|Just Found Out|
Topic: She said she was being totally honest, she wasn't.
Member # 38723
| Posted: 11:49 AM, April 19th (Friday)|
My wife said she was being truthful about everything, no reason to lie anymore...
She told me she only had sex with him at a motel...
Not true, she told me last night, that she gave him a bj at his house when his family was away.
Her reasoning was, that she would think I thought they had sex in our house if she told me that...
I told her I don't care if they had sex on the moon!!!
Just tell me the truth, why is that so hard?
Now I'm back at square one, just when I thought we were making progress.
Why do they continue to lie?
Or not give us the whole truth?
It's not that hard, is it?
It only hurts me again and again.
And it makes me wonder why I'm staying with her???
I really am at a loss.
Married 15 years
Working on R
Posts: 71 | Registered: Mar 2013
Member # 30826
| Posted: 11:53 AM, April 19th (Friday)|
They lie because they don't want to have to deal with the consequences of telling the truth.
She lied to cover her ass.
Since it happened in his house while his family was away,she probably lied to cover for him..so his wife wouldn't find out he had brought his OW into her home.
TT is very,very common.
My WH TT me at 2.5 years into R. He told me about a whole other AP/PA that took place a few months prior to dday1.
Why did he lie? Because he "couldn't stand hurting you again!"
Bullshit. Had he told me years ago,I would have dealt with it all at once.
They lie because they're cowards.
M: June 2001
Status: Happily Reconciled.
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
Posts: 7310 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Member # 37455
| Posted: 11:59 AM, April 19th (Friday)|
Sorry you're here brother. What she's doing is called trickle truth. Whether it's about the duration, the acts or the why's, they've always got a reason. 'I wanted to spare you', 'I was ashamed', 'I didn't want to hurt you' are all pretty common. The saddest part is that the hurt is increased with each TT.
Compare it to a band aid, right now, she's ripping it off as slowly as she can. With each pull, she is starting the bleeding all over. She needs to know that it has to be all at once. Quit prolonging the agony.
She has already devastated you once, each further admission, truth revealed from her are additional barriers to beginning the healing process. Doesn't she want to get started?
TT kills R. It's that simple.
BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone
Posts: 2722 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Member # 8531
| Posted: 12:36 PM, April 19th (Friday)|
Too often the WS is not honest right out of the box. Some will eventually telling the truth after a thousand cuts of TT, some never come clean.
In my case, which only affects me, I was lied to over and over and over. It ended when I ended it.
I do not regret pulling the plug - I think it was my salvation, my road back to sanity.
D-Day was 10/9/05
He promised NC. He lied. After 4 chances, I kicked him out 1/05/06.
Since then I have survived cancer surgery and a heart attack.
Now he's sorry, but it's too late.
Posts: 8094 | Registered: Oct 2005 | From: Wisconsin
Member # 38787
| Posted: 12:48 PM, April 19th (Friday)|
For some reason in their mind they think that they don't what to hurts us but its because they can't deal with what they did.
Bw (me) 47
WH (him) 59
D day 3/7/2013
Married 26 together 28
2 adult sons 25 and 22
Posts: 167 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: nj
Member # 34602
| Posted: 12:53 PM, April 19th (Friday)|
Never think that she didn't tell you so you wouldn't be hurt. You asked for the whole truth and expressed your need for it. Those two things don't mesh. Keeping things secret are not because they don't want to hurt you but because they don't want to feel shame.
[This message edited by TattoodChinaDoll at 4:27 PM, April 19th (Friday)]
Me (BW): 32
WH: 33 TimeToManUp
Married: 11 years, together 16 years
3 daughters: 9, 5, 2, and and 2 angel babies (2013 and 2014)
Confronted him: 12/22/2011
Posts: 1718 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: New Jersey
Member # 38619
| Posted: 1:42 PM, April 19th (Friday)|
I told my WH that it wasn't the A that was going to kill our marriage, it was the constant lies.
"If you're brave enough to say goodbye, life will reward you with a new hello." - Paulo Coehlo
Posts: 390 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: East Coast
Member # 37322
| Posted: 3:58 PM, April 19th (Friday)|
WXGF lied constantly. She lied to me, she lied to her family, she lied to herself. Even when confronted with the truth she would lie. Even as i throw proof in her face she would continue to lie until i just gave up. Sure she would alter her story here or there to account for whatever proof i had. Once she committed to those lies it was written in stone and almost nothing i could say or do would get her to come clean 100%.
As the others have said, they lie to protect themselves. Whether it's to save face, or not deal with consequences or whatever. It's never for you.
They don't get it though, their thinking is so mucked up that up is down and right is wrong and they tell lies to "protect" you.
There isn't a single BS here who preferred the lies to the truth.
And it makes me wonder why I'm staying with her???So why are you staying with her? Consider the possibility that she might still be lying. What if they had sex in your home? On your bed? In front of your dog? These things might all be forgivable in time but the lies? Without trust there is no future with this woman.
[This message edited by LastChanceLarry at 5:23 PM, April 19th (Friday)]
Me: BBF (29)
WXGF: Confused26 (27) EA/PA with xBF, lasted almost a year. TT, blameshifting, gaslighting, & broken NC for 10 months.
Together 5 years
Ding dong, the bitch is gone! Settling into the life of a single dad.
Posts: 317 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: New England
Member # 16953
| Posted: 4:25 PM, April 19th (Friday)|
Bro, I hate to tell you this. But rest assured your only scratching the surface of what really went on. My take is that its much worse then she is admitting to. They will admit a small instance in order to hide the big picture. I personally tell people to multiply what they admit at least five fold. And that's giving them the benefit of the doubt. Ask her to take a poly. Matter of fact insist on it. They usually spill the beans when that happens. Hang in there my man. Sorry your here. Keep posting and reading.
You cant eat soup with chopsticks.
Posts: 5607 | Registered: Nov 2007
Member # 32554
| Posted: 4:40 PM, April 19th (Friday)|
When you take the time to quietly sit & contemplate that you were lied to, right to your face, over & over, the reality is pretty frightening. I can recall being actually frightened when I thought back over all the times STBX lied to my face, lied while crying, lied while swearing he was telling the truth, lied while invoking his mother's grave and our children's lives... What kind of a soulless monster lies like that?
The kind I married.
The kind I'm divorcing.
Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
Posts: 9517 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Member # 38937
| Posted: 5:20 PM, April 19th (Friday)|
^^^ What Nature Girl said. I get the most disgusted when I think back on all the deliberate, bold faced lies my WF told me. And even more disgusted when I realize that I actually trusted and BELIEVED him. That, even more than the 5 encounters with prostitutes (he has admitted to) makes me want to vomit :(
Posts: 8 | Registered: Apr 2013
Member # 39050
| Posted: 6:52 PM, April 19th (Friday)|
I am asking the same question. My BF went from saying he slept with the OW once while we were together. Months later, I find out by accident it was at least 3 times while we were together and he kept talking to her. I guess he forgot he didn't come clean about some of it because liars tend to forget their lies. Why don't they tell us all at once???? We are going to find out and when we do it undoes the trust we've been trying to rebuild!!!
Posts: 1 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Canada
Member # 38928
| Posted: 7:09 PM, April 19th (Friday)|
I wish I had a nickel for every lie my POS has told me. I would be a VERY rich woman right now! Some people are simply pathological liars, which I have determined fits my POS. He simply does not want me to know the full extent of his betrayals, even when confronted with evidence he lies, lies, and lies some more. I cannot believe a word out of his mouth anymore and, unfortunately, our kids have told me they feel the same way. Unfortunate for him, but he made his bed so he gets to lay in it. Some people simply don't know the meaning of honesty or trust, and I never would have married him had I known this.
BS - Me
XPOS - too many OW/OCs over 20+yrs
Kids - DDs 22,17 -DS20 Deceased
M Dissolved 2013
This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet
Posts: 1033 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Rising out of Hell's ashes!
Member # 8291
| Posted: 8:18 PM, April 19th (Friday)|
Nine years out now and I am still wondering.
Posts: 2423 | Registered: Sep 2005
Member # 25753
| Posted: 3:05 AM, April 20th (Saturday)|
she will string it along as long as she can.i'm sure she hates it when you bring it up.so now even if she tells you everything,you will still wonder.not what you want 2 hear i know.It all began 4 me in aug 09.you can make her read websites,watch doc phil,plead your heart out.if she doesn't want 2 she won't.if and until she puts your pain before her feelings she won't.....sorry man just being honest..if you still want to be with her the best thing you can do is just observe her.does she flirt,stare at dudes in public,seems like she doesn't care etc...just remember the only thing you can't get back is time....not all cheating women are the same ...
If i can do it anyone can .My hpd wife was my only friend for 13 years....don't let the fear of being alone ruin your life....people will come ray
Posts: 77 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: memphis,TN
Member # 38518
| Posted: 4:47 PM, April 21st (Sunday)|
Totally sucks, I know! Many of us have been in similar situations. My WW TT'd for over six months before I finally knew what I believe to be the 'full story'. Even after coming fully clean, as she called it, she then later revealed additional things that she lied about, even into full R. This is just par for the course. Some WS' have enough, say, respect or decency or whatever you call it, to disclose the full truth and know that they are actually HELPING the process, not hurting it. But for other WS', it's almost an impossible task. That's not to say that full disclosure makes an A any less painful, but at least there's a sense of some respect from the WS if they can just 'man up' and be honest with you (and, in a way, themselves).
Unfortunately, I hate to admit it, but you will likely find out even more stuff in the coming days, weeks and months (hopefully not the coming years!). One thing that may be useful is to tell your WW that her continued lying and withholding only hurts you more and greatly decreases the chances of actually being able to successfully recover. Each additional 'lie' they reveal after they already told you that they've told you everything is very damaging to your ability to trust that person again. And it becomes exponentially so when it repeatedly happens. I've actually read this in a well known book on infidelity and R.
If your heart is still in it, and you think she has a shot at being honest, then all I can say is keep trying. At some point, though, if you feel she will just simply not tell you the truth anymore, then you may need to reconsider? The answers all lie within you.
Be strong, man! Keep working on yourself!
ME: 33 BH
HER: 32 WW
Married: 8 years
DDay #1: 02/22/2006 (ONS)
DDay #2: 09/23/2012 (EA/PA)
DDay #3: 12/07/2012 (EA/PA)
DDay #4: 01/03/2013 (EA/PA)
DDay #5: 01/24/2013 (EA/PA)
TT until 04/07/2013
100% NC: 04/18/2013
Posts: 190 | Registered: Feb 2013
Member # 38378
| Posted: 5:07 PM, April 21st (Sunday)|
Yes, the lies are some of the hardest part. Now, STBXH wants to minimalize every part of what he did, but it doesn't work. Every epxlanation he gave, he tried to minimalize or change.
Now he continues to lie to DD and that makes me ache for her. She told me again today during our lunch, "Mom I just don't trust dad." I felt such hurt for her and I didn't know I had room any more.
She's 10 and already sees through him and some other people, like relatives who tell a little kid "one minute!" but they never come. She talks about that, also.
The lying to children I simply cannot fathom, but they get caught up in what WS do-and they didn't even choose to be born into the situation, but are by circumstance. A little off topic but related to the lying topic.
STBXH also lies by omission and frequently just plain doesn't answer something. Now I think that's when I know I've got him in a corner and a counselor said that's what's happening.
I'm sorry for changed's hard time, for I went through it too. I finally came to a point where I don't want to hear anything, even the name of the state OW lives in and where he went. I hope that you will find that over time, you don't want to hear anymore either. There are other parts I wonder about and am haunted by, but details about the PA part I can't tolerate emotionally any longer.
I saw mail from hotel chains come to our house before STBXH switched his mail and he used to lie and say he was doing work for a friend, to explain being away at night. Nope, during TT he finally said he hadn't seen or talked to the friend in over a year.
I've been very tempted to contact the friend and tell him what he was used for.
Even on Christmas day this last season, STBXH lied to me and said he was going to the friend's for Christmas dinner while DD and I were all alone-yep, Christmas f'ing day!-but we all know where he was.
I have set boundaries that OW not be allowed here and am looking to buy no trespassins signs. I've had him sign a contract that he won't bring her here and hope that I can keep it going-after D though I don't know?
So anyway, I am sorry for the hard times Changed and everyone is having with WS's.
Discovering the disrespect and dishonor to us is one of the hardest things for me.
A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess
Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.
Posts: 2202 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Member # 33867
| Posted: 5:08 PM, April 21st (Sunday)|
They lie because they're cowards.
They don't lie because they are trying to spare us pain, they lie to spare themselves the pain of our wrath. It's a continuation of their selfish behavior.
[This message edited by RidingHealingRd at 5:21 PM, April 21st (Sunday)]
ME: 54 BS
HIM: 61 WH
Married: 28 years
in R 3.5 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.
The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.
Posts: 2109 | Registered: Nov 2011
Member # 21183
| Posted: 8:14 PM, April 21st (Sunday)|
I'm so sorry this happened.
Can I ask:
Who was your WW referring to when she stated:
"She told me she only had sex with him at a motel...
Not true, she told me last night, that she gave him a bj at his house when his family was away.
Her reasoning was, that she would think I thought they had sex in our house if she told me that..."
If she was referring to MOM-the first OM she had an affair with....Do you still feel like MOM's WIFE doesn't deserve to be told about this affair?
1)Even after your WW and MOM invaded his WIFE'S home and had sex there?
2) Even though MOM has broken NO CONTACT with your WW a couple of times recently?
3) Even though your WW still works with this man?
Again, I'm really sorry this happened. It is amazing how our cheating spouses define "being totally honest."
[This message edited by Dare2Trust at 8:19 PM, April 21st (Sunday)]
Me BS 59
Married 19 years
D-Day Nov 3, 2005
Child: Adopted Daughter 21 College Student now
I can understand being alone; but I hate being with someone and feeling lonely.
Posts: 6114 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
Member # 38601
| Posted: 3:32 AM, April 22nd (Monday)|
Changed72, your post hits very very close to mine, my WW,has an affair with her boss in late 2010, she was going through menopause, acting like she wasn't married, and not until Nov. 2012, until she showed signs of S.T.D. did she tell me.first D-Day she said they only had sex 2 times,and that was it, swore to god ,and kept saying she didn't know why she did it,begged for forgiveness,in Jan 2013, after i told her i text-ed the OM. and told her there stories didn't match, she confessed to having sex with him over 6 times,and she gave him oral sex, knowing he had a S.T.D., there is a lot more to the story, but it boils down to every time we get into the subject, her story changes a little.i also just want the truth, the whole story,who,what,where,when and the big one...why. the longer she holds back the truth, the more i don't want to be with her,good luck changed72
Affair -her with her boss,has S.T.D
ME-fed up with lies,
D-Day1- Nov 2012
D-Day2- Jan 2013
trying to R,but just not feeling it
Posts: 22 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: p.a.
Member # 34107
| Posted: 3:52 AM, April 22nd (Monday)|
Hey Changed72, great advice and stories in this thread. You're not alone! A lot of what is being said here strikes close to home for me as well.
I got enough TT after DDay1 to eventually believe that I had the full story, and to start what eventually became a false R. I learned 17 months later that it was all lies, and that she did a real fine job pulling the wool over my eyes.
Well, my eyes are real wide open this time, and I have also accepted that I will never get the whole truth. Her inability to tell the truth, to cease he dissembling, to acknowledge and own up to her acts, and to provide the full accounting is what has doomed our M.
As many have said, the betrayal of deceit far exceeds the betrayed from the actual act.
Be careful! If there is one lie (and TTing is a form of lying), then you know there are more. I doubt you'll ever find out how deep that rabbit hole goes.
As for why you are staying with her? For me it was the 17 years of hard ass work prior to the 2 years of As that went into building a strong R. It is hard to give up all that effort. You want to do it for the kids. She knows this and will use it...
[This message edited by KickedInTheNuts at 3:55 AM, April 22nd (Monday)]
DDay #1: December 4, 2011
DDay #2: April 20, 2013
Kids: 18 & 16
R for 17 months, turned out to be false R. Starting the D process.
Posts: 56 | Registered: Dec 2011
Member # 28542
| Posted: 8:57 AM, April 22nd (Monday)|
Yeah, I was lucky in that I did not get TT, but I did have this withheld from me for like three years.
It is the lies that kill your chances of R. Give her one more chance to come clean and ask for a poly to confirm what she told you. The rationale is that since she has lied before, the only way you can feel the full truth is by having it verified by another source. Only then will you begin to allow yourself to trust her again.
So why do they do this ? The best answer (other than what others have said) is that some people through various channels (usually FOOs) learn that telling lies is the only way to protect themselves. So for example when you are young and you get asked a questions about something, they learn that lying has fewer consequences that the truth would be. This becomes ingrained in who they grow up to be. Identifying these in IC is the only way to "fix them."
Lastly most of us get confused by the way our WS because we are looking at them from a vantage point of being "unbroken." Looking at a person with unhealthy mechanisms from a "healthier" vantage point does not always work. It is someone who is blind and someone with perfect vision looking at the same thing and trying to describe it.
I am in no way justifying the behavior, but sharing what has helped me deal with the lying issue.
Have you set any boundaries or consequences in the past for TT ?
In the end it will not be the A that ends my M, it will be the lies. Most BS see it that way, after some time. Lying of any kind, is a deal breaker for me. Even about something small, like did you eat the last cookie ?
Lies lead to D. You have to determine if she has the potential to be 100% truthful with you. If she can't, then you have to decide if it you really want your M.
Sometimes you have to be ready to lose your M to save it. A wake up call, like a poly or S agreement can be powerful motivators. They aren't threats, they are just a different language that someone who isn't as healthy speaks so they understand 100%.
DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.
Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.
Posts: 2554 | Registered: May 2010
|Topic Posts: 22|| |