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Just Found Out
User Topic: Should I tell mother-in-law?
Phoenix1
Member
Member # 38928
Default  Posted: 1:47 PM, April 19th (Friday)

POS is currently living with his mother, out of state. I know for a fact that he has not told her why he ran off and is there. Rather, I know what he told her, and it is a complete lie to cover himself.

My feeling is that she deserves to know the truth. He is her son, and it is not like she is going to kick him out, but I think she needs to know the real reason why he suddenly walked out and ended up there. If I don't tell her, her granddaughters will likely do so anyway.

Thoughts anyone?


BS - Me
XPOS - too many OW/OCs over 20+yrs
Kids - DDs 22,17 -DS20 Deceased
M Dissolved 2013

This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet


Posts: 1107 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Rising out of Hell's ashes!
simplydevastated
Member
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 1:57 PM, April 19th (Friday)

I think it would depend on how that family works. Meaning, would she believe you or is she the type of mother that would say "Not my little boy. You drove him to it." etc...

Also, I would be careful about who you tell in a family because if you decide to R it may cause a strain because they may see it as a dealbreaker and understand why you stayed, kwim?

Just a few thoughts.


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day - listed in profile.)

Posts: 5854 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
LastChanceLarry
Member
Member # 37322
Default  Posted: 2:23 PM, April 19th (Friday)

I would tell. Not in a "your son is a worthless POS" kind of way but in a nicer "i thought you should know the truth.." instead.

Be ready for anything once you tell her though, undoubtably it will stir up some heavy emotions and reactions from WH and MIL and WS family can be a real wildcard sometimes. One day they are telling you how happy they are that you are in their family, the next day it's nothing but accusations and threats.

One thing is certain, the more people you tell, the harder it is to avoid dealing with the situation. Affairs flourish in secrecy and shadows. Expose the SOB and at the very least begin with your own healing.

Right now he thinks that he is safe hiding behind mom's apron.
Root him out.

Oh, and if you think it's not your "place" to tell MIL, just think about all the lies he's told you and your children. It is your place to keep you and your family safe and healthy. It is not your place to let this get rugswept again.

~Larry


D-Day: 8/27/12
Me: BBF (29)
WXGF: Confused26 (27) EA/PA with xBF, lasted almost a year. TT, blameshifting, gaslighting, & broken NC for 10 months.
DS: 3
Together 5 years

Ding dong, the bitch is gone! Settling into the life of a single dad.


Posts: 317 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: New England
newlysingle
Member
Member # 38735
Default  Posted: 6:52 PM, April 19th (Friday)

I told my mother in law as I knew STBXWH would not. His evil plan (he admitted this to me) was to quickly divorce me before anyone found out about her, then he was going to parade her around to all of us as is his "new" girlfriend. Well, I caught him in the A, so that was out.

I waited a couple of months and when I realized he wasn't going to fess up to mother in law, I told her. I was not going to allow the skank homewrecker to show up on my in-laws pretending she was the new girlfriend that came after the D. I wanted them to know she was the cause of the D.

My mother in law has been very supportive me and is VERY upset with her son. However, I do realize that at some point, she will have to accept OW if dickhead chooses to stay with her. She will always be knows as the homewrecker on that side of the family though, LOL.

I think it just really depends on the relationship that you have with her. I agree that you may experience some backlash, but it's probably still worth telling her.


BW - Me (37)
XWH - (37) The Gnat
OW - Some dumb whore he picked up in another state and moved here here. Known as Hello Kitty.
M for 8 years, together for 10
1 DD (5), 1 DS (1 year)
Dday 3/13
Divorced 9/20/13

Posts: 897 | Registered: Mar 2013
Spinning180
New Member
Member # 37705
Default  Posted: 9:50 PM, April 19th (Friday)

I found out while driving with my MIL. She has been very supportive. She also told her son that she was disappointed but will always love him. She has watched our kids so we can go to MC and has helped him orchestrate date nights. She does not talk about it with me but has spoken to my mother. It can be helpful to have support especially when you have young children and need a sitter in order to work on R.


Me: 32 WS: 30
Married 5.5 years together for 7
Dday: 12/2/12
A: 2.5 years
DD: 4
DS: 1.5
DS: still baking

Posts: 18 | Registered: Dec 2012
traveldad
Member
Member # 34047
Default  Posted: 12:40 AM, April 20th (Saturday)

I've read that rule of thumb is that you don't. I really think it depends on the character of the MIL. When my XW was leaving me for the OM, she told her mother that the breakup was mutual and that I had a girlfriend(a lie). My oldest son called my MIL(his grandmother) to tell her the truth. The self righteous witch told my son that he is wrong not to forgive his mother, that she would always be his mother, and he was the one in sin for not demonstrating unconditional love to her. Then she proceeded to email my daughter and lecture her on her unchristian attitude for not accepting the XW's actions and showing unconditional love. My kids realized quickly why their mother and maternal aunts are all sluts.

On the other hand, when my youngest son had an affair, my wonderful DIL called me for support. I supported her 100%, sent them to a weeks marriage counseling and then once a week counseling for a year afterwards. They had married too young against my wishes, so I had some moral authority with them. They are doing extremely well two years later.


DDay January 2010
Divorced July 2010...broke up 2 families
Contented single dad of 2 grown sons and two daughters.
XW talks to kids about once a year

Posts: 54 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Southwest
karissa
New Member
Member # 38878
Default  Posted: 1:40 AM, April 20th (Saturday)

I required that Wh tell his parents when I found out because I know he cares so much about what they think. HE told them over the phone and, of course, told them that he started the A when we were in a rough time. HIs A lasted over 5 years and I found out in October 2012. While I think they are saddened and they do have our kids over 1 night a month now (our kids are very self-sfficient, studious, etc.), FIL was hospitalized later that month for another condition. I understood H had to spend a lot of time at the hospital. Our family has seen the in-laws more often but I really have had almost NO feedback from the in-laws. I suspect they are just hoping for the best and pushing it all under the rug. MIL always likes to see only the best in things and I am sure she does not want to deal with this emotionally. So, in some ways, I think it was important for the in-laws to know but I really haven't had much support in the realm. I should also note that both of my parents are deceased.

Posts: 6 | Registered: Apr 2013
heforgotme
Member
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, April 20th (Saturday)

I didn't tell my MIL bc of her age and worries about how the shock would affect her.

If this is not a concern, then I would tell. Especially since he is spinning stories for her. Just more fantasy that is not going to help him get head head out of his butt.


D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1081 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
hopefulmother
Member
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, April 20th (Saturday)

Tell, I did. My mother-in-law has been so helpful and understanding. It helps to have someone else on your side that is disappointed in your H. She was especially supportive, because of the grandchildren.


Me-BW 39
WH-39
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends for 20yrs dating since 2000
Married 9yrs with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 933 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA
Phoenix1
Member
Member # 38928
Default  Posted: 12:48 PM, April 20th (Saturday)

I think I am going to tell her, but wait until papers are served. If I tell now he will give her the heads up not to answer any knocks on the door....


BS - Me
XPOS - too many OW/OCs over 20+yrs
Kids - DDs 22,17 -DS20 Deceased
M Dissolved 2013

This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet


Posts: 1107 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Rising out of Hell's ashes!
Happydays
Member
Member # 38681
Default  Posted: 2:05 PM, April 20th (Saturday)

You should tell her.
The timing, you decide(ed).
The script, depends on the age, health etc.
Most importantly, bear in mind that there are strong possibilities that you won't get much support.
So don't expect support, that won't hurt you later.

Also, as you mentioned, MIL has been treated to Disney stories by your WS, there is a good chance WS might have told MIL that you are going to blame WS for infidelity.

My exW had informed my in laws that I was "suspecting" an A, and I had manufactured proof to get out of the marriage.
When I called FIL he listened to me without any interruptions. Then he confirmed if I had anything else to say. I said no, nothing else.
Then he began. He said " my daughter has explained to me about everything and I am going to be on my daughters side. My daughter is not going to D you no matter how much you try." (if she filed for D she doesnt get anything).

In other words, she wants to be in her A and you should be her slave.

It was war from then on.

[This message edited by Happydays at 2:09 PM, April 20th (Saturday)]


BH 33
FWW 32
DS: 3 year old.
Dday 10/14/2012
No remorse so:
Divorced 02/15/2013. No alimony, no CS, got apartment. Won all battles and mind games off the courts.

Posts: 294 | Registered: Mar 2013
thisisterrible
Member
Member # 24727
Default  Posted: 10:11 PM, April 20th (Saturday)

When STBXH decided he wanted to leave for the OW, I told my mother-in-law right away. I told her because I wanted her support and 'help' in trying to win STBXH back, not because I was trying to get her to turn against him or take my side.

However, it became clear very quickly that she was scared to make any waves with STBXH and was afraid of making him mad, so she simply kept saying how she just wanted what was best for everyone and just wanted STBXH to be happy, blah fucking blah. Again, I never, ever, wanted or expected her to turn her back on her son, but after being in her family for 20 years, I expected her to be supportive of me and her two grandchildren. She turned out to be as big of an asshole as her son.

Fast forward four years to today, and I am SO happy I told her. We don't have a relationship at all, but I am so proud that she knows the truth of why STBXH left because I told her. STBXH's plan was to just let his mother (and everyone else) think that things just suddenly weren't working out, with no mention that he was fucking a whore.

So tell your mother in law, tell everyone you know. You won't regret it.

[This message edited by thisisterrible at 10:13 PM, April 20th (Saturday)]


Me:BS Him:WH Two young kids
Married 12yrs - together 20
A started 2/09 - S 7/09 - he filed for D 12/09
I wanted to R and he didn't. He never stopped seeing the MOW, who filed for D 11/09. They've since broke up...for now.

Posts: 543 | Registered: Jul 2009
RockyMtn
Member
Member # 37043
Default  Posted: 10:30 PM, April 20th (Saturday)

I don't see the point, personally. If you're going to D the guy, why get enmeshed in his family. I love my MIL, she's great, we have a very good relationship. But her relationship with her son - even now, even still in the M - is their relationship. Not mine. If he was hurting her in some way, then I'd expose/tell (this is why we tell the other BS) but, otherwise...I don't understand why. I suppose if you define a grown son keeping his personal life (as disgusting as it is) from his mother as hurting then, yes, tell her.

Do you plan to have a relationship with her? I mean, outside of perhaps seeing her at an event with your DD or something?


Me, BS, 30s
Him, WS, 30s, Steppenwolf
Kids: Yep
D-Day 1: September 2011, 6 week EA
D-Day 2: January 2013, discovered EA was a PA; there was another PA in 2010. All TT.
Goal = serenity.

Posts: 667 | Registered: Oct 2012
jackie89
Member
Member # 38271
Default  Posted: 10:35 PM, April 20th (Saturday)

Yes tell - because you will tell the truth!

I told everybody too - I don't care.. You know the first person I told was his sister. And you know what he once told me in a very sad, almost crying voice - "I wanted to be the one to tell them about OW" - yeah ok!

Do tell, in a gentle - you should know the truth kinda way!


Separated/divorcing

"The Secret of Change is to focus all your energy - not on fighting the old, but on building the new" ~~Lori Greiner FB post~~


Posts: 481 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
Seru
New Member
Member # 38667
Default  Posted: 11:13 PM, April 20th (Saturday)

I told my MIL and she came by that evening along with SIL (Sister in law) and my son knew daddy was not around, but it was a rough day for he left just that day. She said she was lied to about ExH going to work, and I said no, he's shut his cell off and no way I could reach him, unless he reached me first. Yea was a nightmare, she was not supportive of me or DS yet, DS and Ex and his "whore wife" lives with her.. Yea I got burned bad,still trying to recover the pieces...

So do what you feel is right in your soul,mind and heart, depends on your relationship with her. Me, I was never accepted in the family period. How sad is that and yet, without me she'd not have a DGS?*Shakes head*


Seru
BS: Age 38
Ex-WH: Age 40
DS: Age 8
M from April 21, 2001
Separated: April 6 2011
D Finalized April 30 2012

Posts: 9 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: CA
keptmyword
Member
Member # 35526
Default  Posted: 10:07 AM, April 21st (Sunday)

I think in the end, honesty will always prevail - regardless of whether the MIL believes and supports you or does not believe and turns on you. I was prepared for either as I was finished with my POS WW and knew I was divorcing her.

How you tell them is very important and can make the difference between them supporting you or resenting you. Be sure that when you tell your MIL about your WS adultery, that you are not coming off as though you are trying to punish them(WS), or "getting back" at them, or being vindictive, or angry, or jilted/scorned, and don't call their son/daughter any names (as much as they deserve so).

Calmly advise them that you have confirmed that your WS is in a sexual extramarital affair. Tell them that you have tried to reason with your WS and tried to express to your WS that this has hurt you and your children. Tell them that you have done all that you can to help your family and your marriage but that your WS remains in the affair. Tell them this is unacceptable to you, your morals, and your beliefs. Tell them that you are disclosing this because you believe that you have done all you can and believe that your WS family may be the only ones that can help them. Again, assure them that you are not telling them because you want get-back-at or punish your WS, but that you care for your WS, believe they are in an unhealthy state of mind, and that their family should know about it so they can help your WS.

I told my MIL and was expecting her to turn on me. She didn't. She was disgusted with her daughters actions and shared her concern for her grandchildren. A year later she still is supportive and we still have a good relationship even though I'm divorcing her daughter because of adultery.


I Divorced Her.

Posts: 362 | Registered: May 2012
Topic Posts: 16