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New Beginnings
User Topic: on my own
survivor_kh
Member
Member # 33738
Sad  Posted: 4:00 AM, April 20th (Saturday)

I'm feeling extremely defeated over the dating process. I don't want to do it anymore. my natural instinct is to allow myself to feel depressed until I'm finished processing these sad feelings, but I don't know if I should do that or brush the feelings off and keep moving forward.

The only man I have liked since dating again broke it off and moved on quickly. after that I wasted my time with someone who started putting me down and when confronted, played it off like I'm just miserable. needless to say I don't regret cutting off contact with that one.

This week I've been struggling with the realization that I probably won't have any children by the time I'm thirty ( which is less than two years away). this feels very difficult to accept and it saddens me.

The advice I have thus far received has been to keep putting myself out there, but I don't know how when it feels pointless.

I don't want to be alone anymore. I've been throwing myself into work and getting finances in order and it's not enough. I don't want to be alone. I don't want to go through any more life without someone I can share I with, and I mean the right person, not just someone to fill the void. I feel like I'm on my own, even with tons of people in my life.


Surviving is important, thriving is elegant- Maya Angelou

you is kind, you is smart, you is important


Posts: 297 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Indiana
Kajem
Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 4:23 AM, April 20th (Saturday)

I was married 18 years when it imploded. I needed to take the time to process from my divorce. I didn't, and jumped from relationship to relationship till I found XSO. We were together till last year (8 years). His wanting out of the relationship brought up a lot of crap from the ending of my marriage. It has eroded my self esteem to be even lower than when my marriage died.

My instinct then was the same as it was after my marriage... I need to get out there. I need to find someone... And people were advising me to do it.

I felt like something was wrong and I wanted to fix it. Something was wrong, I should NOT NEED a person in my life. I want a person in my life but need- no. And I want to get to that point and to do that I need to learn to be ok with me. I am enough all by myself.... and I am learning that's going to take time and work to feel comfortable with that.

Maybe it's the same for you?

Hugs,

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5262 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
stronger08
Member
Member # 16953
Default  Posted: 5:04 AM, April 20th (Saturday)

Defeat is only measured by the individuals willingness to give up. Know what I mean ?


You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

Posts: 5720 | Registered: Nov 2007
phmh
Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 6:39 AM, April 20th (Saturday)

Gently, and with much love because I care (if I didn't care, I wouldn't post) you come across as extremely negative about the process. My guess is, even if it's only at an unconscious level, you are giving off those vibes in real life. Which means that good quality guys aren't going to be attracted to you right now. Only losers will be (like the guy that kept putting you down.)

I don't think you should keep putting yourself out there right now.

I think you should instead focus on creating a good, fun, fulfilling single life for yourself. Come to terms that you probably won't have kids by the time you're 30 (but that you still have plenty of time to, if you heal and find a decent guy.) That kind of desperation makes good men flee.

Take some time off, and focus on you. Still get out and meet people, but not with the express intention of dating. Meetups, volunteer, join a group, etc. Make yourself happy and someone that other people want to be around. When you're in a good place personally is when you'll find a good guy.

Earlier this year, I'd been feeling burnt out by the dating process. I deactivated my profile, and haven't been on a date in nearly 3 months. I feel happier than I did back then. I'm spending time on friends and family, doing things alone, have more time for hobbies.

Just remember, you don't want to be with any man. You want to be with a good man. And a good man wants to be with someone who is healed and happy. You can get there, but you really don't want to settle.

Good luck!


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny


Posts: 3404 | Registered: Dec 2011
Amazonia
Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 6:47 AM, April 20th (Saturday)

I felt like something was wrong and I wanted to fix it. Something was wrong, I should NOT NEED a person in my life. I want a person in my life but need- no. And I want to get to that point and to do that I need to learn to be ok with me. I am enough all by myself.... and I am learning that's going to take time and work to feel comfortable with that.

^this

But also, I get it, especially OLD really takes a toll. I know it seems counter productive, but sometimes taking a step back away from it for a few weeks can really help you go in fresh and with a better perspective. Give yourself grace!

As for having kids, there is this interesting difference I've noticed between DC where I live now and the Midwest where I grew up - here it's considered odd to have a child before 30. Most women start trying around 30. Back in the Midwest, the people I know seem to have this impression that the womb stops working at 30 (okay maybe a slight exaggeration). Practically everyone I know here with kids has had healthy babies between the ages of 30 and 40. Don't let that push you into a relationship with the wrong person.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13797 | Registered: Jul 2011
cmego
Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 6:54 AM, April 20th (Saturday)

The advice I have thus far received has been to keep putting myself out there, but I don't know how when it feels pointless.

I don't want to do it anymore. my natural instinct is to allow myself to feel depressed until I'm finished processing these sad feelings, but I don't know if I should do that or brush the feelings off

I think one of the best things you can learn to do for yourself in your NB...is to listen to YOURSELF. Stop listening to what other people think is good for you.

I can only say, when the time to date is "right", you will know it. It will feel right. When it feels "pointless" to me, then I don't date. I don't push it because that means I'm not in the right frame of mind for a healthy relationship. I still have something unsettled inside I need to work through.

On SI, there is a lot of discussion about "once you are OK with being alone...then you know you are healed". Although I don't fully agree with that statement, there is something about finding yourself in this process that is essential for moving forward in a healthy way.

Try to look at this time as finding yourself, some would say...dating yourself. I think it is perfectly fine to want to be in a relationship. We are designed to be with other people. We desire it, relationships (all kinds) are vital to being human. Don't feel bad for wanting to be in a relationship, it is part of being human. Try to accept that is something for your future that you cannot control and take this time to really know who you ARE.

BTW, I didn't have my first child until I was 33, second at 35, and plenty of friends who are late 30's and even one 40 year old who are starting their families. Your biological clock is no where close to being done.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4182 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
tesla
Member
Member # 34697
Default  Posted: 8:16 AM, April 20th (Saturday)

I feel like I'm on my own, even with tons of people in my life.

Very gently here, if you feel like you are on your own even surrounded by tons of people...then surrounding yourself with a significant other is not going to change that. There is something inside that needs to be addressed and filled and only you can do that.
(((survivor)))

Also -- you can have healthy, happy kiddos in your 30s...hell, my mom and great grandma were having healthy, happy kiddos into their 40s.

Maybe some IC to explore these feelings would be helpful.


"Thou art the son and heir of a mongrel bitch." --King Lear

Posts: 4683 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Indiana
survivor_kh
Member
Member # 33738
Default  Posted: 11:18 AM, April 20th (Saturday)

thanks everyone. I really needed words of advice from those who have btdt. nearly all of my friends are my age and seem to find it unbelievable that I wouldnt be ready to date after being D'd for a little over a year. I feel like the pressure to keep up and be able to keep moving forward in that sense is whats getting me so down. besides that, its difficult to still be working through problems in IC.

Now I'm not sure if it's so much the idea of dating thats making me feel so bummed out right now or that I feel stuck still putting my life back together and in tired of that.


Surviving is important, thriving is elegant- Maya Angelou

you is kind, you is smart, you is important


Posts: 297 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Indiana
hurtinky
Member
Member # 26152
Default  Posted: 4:56 PM, April 20th (Saturday)

I dated for a while and hated it.

I'm much happier now that I've let go of the idea that I should date. I've also let go of thinking I should be in a relationship. I'm not even sure I ever want to be. I don't have time for it and there's nothing I want to give up to make time.

It's ok not to date. :)


Me --> BS
D-Day 10-1988
D-Day 9-12-2005
S 9-13-2005
D 3-6-12



Posts: 1500 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Kentucky
survivor_kh
Member
Member # 33738
Default  Posted: 8:41 PM, April 20th (Saturday)

I dont believe I have ever shared this on here before,but I didnt have serious relationships before X. it was all casually dating .

Before I started to see the pain he was causing me, I felt like we were really compatible. I felt extremely happy when we spent time together. I dont think im afraid of being alone. I think Ive given up hope that I can find someone who posseses those qualities.

[This message edited by survivor_kh at 10:31 PM, April 20th (Saturday)]


Surviving is important, thriving is elegant- Maya Angelou

you is kind, you is smart, you is important


Posts: 297 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Indiana
EvenKeel
Member
Member # 24210
Default  Posted: 1:29 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)

You WILL be ok and it WILL get better.

I know that is hard to believe when you are feeling down.

I remember being single in my twenties and literally crying to someone that I as going to be an old maid. Of course, they LOL at me but it wasn't funny to me at the time. It was very real & sad to me.

I think Ive given up hope that I can find someone who posseses those qualities.

Sometimes it is hard for me to decipher if my fear is really I can't find "that person" or if the fear is....will I read that person wrong? Meaning, once upon a time I though X was really a good guy with good character. Time proved differently. You might want to consider that since you felt very compatible with your X and then were devastated, kwim?



Eyes are useless if the mind is blind.


Posts: 2176 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Pa
survivor_kh
Member
Member # 33738
Default  Posted: 2:25 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)

evenkeel, I like the way you think. ive been afraid to admit that I think im a bad judge of character. I secretly question motives and constantly analyze behaviors of others.

I catch myself thinking things like "how could you have been thay stupid. youre so stupid"

X was unfaithful for the entire 5 years we were together, but I ignored and excused. Im still finding out things he did that I never imagined were possibly going on.

Part of me says theres a small chance I will encounter anyone on that level of crazy again. Another pary of me says there's no way to know when to trust someone.


Surviving is important, thriving is elegant- Maya Angelou

you is kind, you is smart, you is important


Posts: 297 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Indiana
jennie160
Member
Member # 29949
Default  Posted: 2:58 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)

I really struggles with this in the beginning of my NB as well. The biggest thing for me was to figure out why I had kept falling for unhealthy relationships. Why I was drawn to being treated poorly and walked on.

I feel like I'm on my own, even with tons of people in my life.

Ask yourself, would you want to date someone who felt this way about their life. I'll admit I use to go for this type. I would try to "save" them, we could face the world together, solve each other problems. But then I realize that life is chaotic enough on it's own. I souldn't be trying to fulfill someone else, I should be fulfilling myself. Once I do that then I will attract healthy people.

You have to become someone that you would want to date. You don't want to be in a relationship with someone that is uncertain about themselves and feels unfulfilled in their life, why would someone worth your time want that as well. You need to figure out how to take care of yourself and become someone worth having a relationship with. Once you do that you'll be surprised how your view on a relationship changes as well as your qualification in a partner.

This week I've been struggling with the realization that I probably won't have any children by the time I'm thirty ( which is less than two years away).

I have always wanted to start having kids by the time I was thirty as well. Even right after my D my goal was still to start around 30. But as the date creeps closer and closer (a little over 2 years away) the more unrealistic it seems. I am no where near ready to bring a child into this world. By the time I am ready (if ever) I'm sure some of my friends kids will be teenagers. But I'm ok with that. I will be more prepared than they were when they had their kids. I will be able to properly support them and won't have to struggle to make ends meet.


Posts: 921 | Registered: Oct 2010
EvenKeel
Member
Member # 24210
Default  Posted: 9:33 AM, April 24th (Wednesday)

I secretly question motives and constantly analyze behaviors of others.

I do this but always have. I am always analyzing people's reactions/faces in a room even when they are not the center of attention. I am constantly picking up in the emotion and reactions of those in the corner, etc.
It is an awful trait to develop and exhausting.
I decided it would be way better to be oblivious sometimes.

I catch myself thinking things like "how could you have been thay stupid. youre so stupid"

You weren't/aren't stupid. Even though we end up feeling like such idiots in hindsight sometimes. BUT we just WANTED so badly to believe the good part....even at the expense of ignoring other parts.

That is not a bad trait....to see the good. There are many people that can't see a darn good thing in anything of life. They walk about grumbly & miserable.


Eyes are useless if the mind is blind.


Posts: 2176 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Pa
damncutekitty
Member
Member # 5929
Default  Posted: 11:35 AM, April 24th (Wednesday)

Not sure if you've ever heard of the Elizabeth Kubler Ross stages of grief. (denial, anger, bargainning, depression, acceptance)

But they TOTALLY apply to extended singledom after divorce. People who find someone right away don't really have to deal with it, but if you stay single for a year or more you will go through all the stages, some more than once.

I went 8 years between my D and being in another committed long term relationship. So here's my advice on surviving being single.

First, it's OK to want a partner. Finding companionship is a normal human thing to do. So don't get down on yourself for wanting someone. But don't let it become an obsession either.

Second, being in a relationship is not all happiness all the time. Enjoy being single while you are because I guarantee you will have days in the future when you miss it. Make the most of all that glorious me time in whatever ways make you happiest.

Third, use your time alone wisely. Get fit, job hunt, fix your finances, see a shrink, travel, buy new clothes- whatever. Become the best YOU that you can. It makes you feel good AND it makes you more attractive to potential partners.

And finally DO NOT fall into the traps of comparing yourself to others or thinking you "should" be at a certain place in life. So you don't have kids at 30? It doesn't mean you won't. I'm 34 and still don't really know if I want them. (leaning towards no, but I do wonder). Sometimes you have to just let go and let fate/god/the universe do it's thing. If you focus on always making your life RIGHT NOW be a life worth living I guarantee you won't have any regrets.


Keep calm and carry on.

Posts: 49482 | Registered: Nov 2004 | From: Minneapolis
ninebark
Member
Member # 24534
Default  Posted: 9:34 AM, April 26th (Friday)

I can understand feeling some pressure to have children before you get too old. But don't make that the reason you feel the need to rush out there.

After being married 12 years I have to say I am enjoying the single life. I like being on my own, I like the freedom.

I have a BF but as bad as this sounds if we break up tomorrow and I never date again I would be fine with that.

You do what feels good to you. I took some time to get to know myself, started working out, trying new things, just enjoying life, and it felt good.

I hope you can find that happiness too, and sometimes it is when you stop looking that you find what you are looking for :)


BS (me) 40
WH - 48
Married 12 years
DS - 12
D-day 06/21/09
Separated....hopefully divorcing soon.

Posts: 630 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Canada
StrongerOne
Member
Member # 36915
Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, April 26th (Friday)

Doll, you are SO young still! No worries, you don't have to have a kid before you're thirty. Get yourself settled and feeling good about yourself and your life. Having a kid after you're thirty (or, like slowpoke here, when you're almost forty!) has some real pluses, not least being you're more sure about who you are. More tiring, I think, but nice in a lot of other ways.


DDay Feb 2011.
In R.

Posts: 872 | Registered: Sep 2012
Topic Posts: 17