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User Topic: If WH was truly my bf then how could he....
27yearsnowlost
Member
Member # 38787
Default  Posted: 9:20 PM, April 20th (Saturday)

Both WH and I started to read "not just friend." In the end of chapter two it talk about making your spouse your bf.....well we were bf. I had to to put down because I started to cry. I don't know what to believe anymore.


Bw (me) 47
WH (him) 59
D day 3/7/2013
Married 26 together 28
2 adult sons 25 and 22

Posts: 167 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: nj
woundedby2
Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 1:52 AM, April 21st (Sunday)

Big hugs. It absolutely sucks to be betrayed by someone you had placed all your trust in. Hoping tomorrow is a better day for you.


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7799 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 5:18 AM, April 21st (Sunday)

He wasn't. Or,at least,he stopped at some point.

YOU were his best friend. But best friends don't destroy..they support..they love..they treat with respect.

Hugs,honey.


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7298 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
catlover50
Member
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 8:05 AM, April 21st (Sunday)

He lost his way. He got overwhelmed by his compulsions and gave in to his baser self. He was not thinking of you.

Clearly not the behavior of a friend, but if he is clearly remorseful and does the work he can prove to be your friend again.



Dday -9/24/2012
Reconciling

Posts: 1728 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
Ashland13
Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 8:32 AM, April 21st (Sunday)

I felt like that too. STBXH was my bff, my confidant,we cared for each other when we were sick and so on. We had a world of our own for a long while.

It is part of my shock in the face of pure and absolute abandonment because he was really my sole support system and he created that-I know that I also let it happen and that wasn't right, but how to know the future?

One of the hard parts seems to be in the dawn of realizing that our H or W was off thinking something else while we were being M, BFF, still having the feelings and doing all the right things. Yet in the dark, WS are off doing who knows what.

I tend to tell myself that he did feel the same for a long while and there are people who confirm it who were close to us as a couple. I could not face knowing the last 20 years was a lie and I think only the last year and a half were.

In my mind, the idea of making your spouse your BF is kind of like attatching your emotions together and making a connection that way.


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2197 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Ashland13
Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 8:35 AM, April 21st (Sunday)

I think Catlover has it spot on and compulsions or impulses or base physical desires get the better of people and maybe they are able to disconnect their hearts from their minds.

In my agony my heart and mind are not together, so maybe its possible, but still not something I can truly fathom.

I would be interested to know how many WS are NPD as it has that tendancy to not attatch emotions in a lot of cases.


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2197 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
27yearsnowlost
Member
Member # 38787
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, April 21st (Sunday)

WH read my post, then asked me what am I thinking.....I said you read my post....then he doesn't say anything!!! If he did not want to know then why did he ask me?? A few minutes later I had to tell that this is not going to work if he does thing like that. I opened the door and he slammed it closed. Why did it take me saying something to say he is sorry? Sorry for the vent....


Bw (me) 47
WH (him) 59
D day 3/7/2013
Married 26 together 28
2 adult sons 25 and 22

Posts: 167 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: nj
27yearsnowlost
Member
Member # 38787
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, April 21st (Sunday)

Oh he told me to keep reading to book it will help.


Bw (me) 47
WH (him) 59
D day 3/7/2013
Married 26 together 28
2 adult sons 25 and 22

Posts: 167 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: nj
SoVerySadNow
Member
Member # 36711
Default  Posted: 3:55 PM, April 21st (Sunday)

I've read several BS say that the book upsets them. I haven't read it yet, so I'm not sure, but I imagine it would make me upset for the same reason after reading your post.
I hope that your WH can begin communicating with you better soon. He seems to make attempts- does he get overwhelmed and run? Mine still has trouble facing the emotions since he shielded himself from them for so long. It's unfamiliar and intense for him.
Wishing you luck.


Me:BW
Him:WH
D-day(s),after years of TT and Gaslighting was Labor Day Weekend 2012, continuing for a week after. *Dammit! More TT 3/9/13
Really trending toward D- planning about it is my "happy place" now.

Posts: 1292 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Sunny Florida
Topic Posts: 9