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Just Found Out
User Topic: Help Now going to confront
HelpMe123
Member
Member # 39044
Default  Posted: 9:20 PM, April 20th (Saturday)

Someone please help me, he is with her at a local pizza place. I want to walk in and act surprised to bust him!!!!


Me BS 37
Him 47
OW 32
Together 12 years
D-Day was told it was EA 4/11/2013 found out it was PA 4/21/2013 :( I am broken
1 son (9)
3 kids from previous (19,17,16)
His kids from previous 2 (17, 15)

Posts: 74 | Registered: Apr 2013
sailorgirl
Member
Member # 38162
Default  Posted: 9:25 PM, April 20th (Saturday)

Do you have hard evidence of the A such as printed emails that say they had sex, screen shots of texts, or sexts?

Because I have never heard of a WS still in the A who would admit to anything unless there was proof. Yours will lie his cheating ass off about how she was giving him Italian lessons or stalking him or starving on the street so he had to take her for pizza.

Hugs, and I would wait for wiser, more experienced posters to suggest a different plan of action.


Married 14 years, three amazing kids
H had 17 month EA/PA
D-day 1/5/13
Reconcilling

Posts: 787 | Registered: Jan 2013
Laura28
Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 9:25 PM, April 20th (Saturday)

Hold on honey.

I am not sure you are ready.

You need to think this through. I am not sure what you would gain from it.

He will gaslight and you have no "proof" of anything untoward in the pizza shop. You need to protect what you do know.

I think that being in shock you need to ensure you do not react impulsively and do something you may regret later.

HUGS

Laura


Married 32yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 60yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA 16+ years).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2738 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
simplydevastated
Member
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 9:32 PM, April 20th (Saturday)

Don't go without hard evidence, and if you do still go, bring a trusted friend with you for support.

(((hugs)))


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day - listed in profile.)

Posts: 5842 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
HelpMe123
Member
Member # 39044
Default  Posted: 9:35 PM, April 20th (Saturday)

A good friend of mine was literally 1 block away from the pizza place when I texted him what was going on. When my friend arrived he say my WS leaving in the car. I guess fate played that one out for me.


Me BS 37
Him 47
OW 32
Together 12 years
D-Day was told it was EA 4/11/2013 found out it was PA 4/21/2013 :( I am broken
1 son (9)
3 kids from previous (19,17,16)
His kids from previous 2 (17, 15)

Posts: 74 | Registered: Apr 2013
MammaMia
Member
Member # 34030
Default  Posted: 9:39 PM, April 20th (Saturday)

I sent you a pm


And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive.But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.”

Posts: 845 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Somewhere in the South
k9lover1
Member
Member # 8531
Default  Posted: 11:28 PM, April 20th (Saturday)

Gently, what is the point?

You two are not married, you don't live together, he has told you to move out of the house that you are currently residing in which he owns (if I understand that correctly.)

Maybe what you should do is this:

1. See a lawyer and set up child support asap:

2. Find someplace else to live and move on with your life.

You can't force him to come back - he's checked out of the relationship. He has used you for sex and companionship for years now - time to find someone who can commit to you.


D-Day was 10/9/05
He promised NC. He lied. After 4 chances, I kicked him out 1/05/06.
Since then I have survived cancer surgery and a heart attack.
Now he's sorry, but it's too late.

Posts: 8091 | Registered: Oct 2005 | From: Wisconsin
HelpMe123
Member
Member # 39044
Default  Posted: 11:56 PM, April 20th (Saturday)

Gently what is the point? The point is just because we do not have a marriage on paper does not make our relationship less then anyone else's on here. We have raised 5 non shared kids together for 12 years and have a young child together. We have had a few rough patches but were ALWAYS committed to our relationship. Why would I want to move with 4 kids? Why would I want to give up my partner? Because on paper is not my husband?


Me BS 37
Him 47
OW 32
Together 12 years
D-Day was told it was EA 4/11/2013 found out it was PA 4/21/2013 :( I am broken
1 son (9)
3 kids from previous (19,17,16)
His kids from previous 2 (17, 15)

Posts: 74 | Registered: Apr 2013
betraydtwice
Member
Member # 38921
Default  Posted: 1:22 AM, April 21st (Sunday)

I am same way 22 yrs but not on paper

Posts: 148 | Registered: Apr 2013
PanicAttack53
Member
Member # 34195
Default  Posted: 1:39 AM, April 21st (Sunday)

Whoa HM123,

Slow down a bit. Take a deep breath. No one is trying to say that your relationship isn't just as important as any other here. I know you're hurt, angry and raw right now... but just for future reference, you'll discover that not "all" the advice you receive here will always be agreeable to you. Also, please know that when someone puts "Gently" in front of what they say, it means "this may seem harsh, but it's intended to help not hurt you."

Please know that the advice given out here is not intended in any way to berate or upset you further. Remember that we are... or were BS's too. We know first hand how painful this shitty mess can be. We also understand that this is "YOUR" life not ours. I always say to new BS's here... take what you can use from the advice I or others give and disregard the rest because while every situation here is eerily similar in some ways... it's unique in others.

As for your situation last night, I'm glad it didn't work out. While it may have seemed at the time like it would help you to get some of your frustration out, confrontation in a public place without hard evidence is always a bad idea. It never accomplishes what the BS intended and in fact can do more harm due to coming off to SO & OW as being out of control.

I know this is hard for you to hear now but please try and be patient. Bide your time and collect your evidence. Then confront with that evidence in a non public place. I believe you'll get much more mileage out of doing it this way.

Stay strong and hang in there.

(((HelpMe123)))

[This message edited by PanicAttack53 at 1:42 AM, April 21st (Sunday)]


Me-BH Her-XWW | B/ 60 | D final on 10/1/13 I'm Lovin' life again!
Rest of the story really doesn't matter any more.
“Realize deeply that the present moment is all you have.” ― Eckhart Tolle

Posts: 868 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Midwest
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 1:50 AM, April 21st (Sunday)

Why would you want to move and give up your partner? Honest answer....because he's a total douche. He's no partner to you.

Re-read this:

I could hear him clear as day telling her that "my crazy ex wont stop calling me, she is so insane and she wont move out of my house". I was HORRIFIED! I stood there for an hour frozen, listening to him bash me to her, lying to her, and he even bashed his mother

He has spoken to her every night since I found out for a minumum of 2 hours.

refuses to end it and is telling me to take our son and leave

telling me I was nothing more then someone to "bang"

He tells me I'm delusional for thinking we were a couple over the last 3 years

And from this morning:
I think its a pretty good guess that my partner's online/phone affair just turned into a PA

he never came home and it's now 11 am. Today is our son's birthday party to top it all off.


You can't force him to be in a relationship with you. And for whatever crazy, fucked-up, stupid reason he's got...he's decided that his relationship with you isn't what he wants.

He needs a big old bucket of cold water dumped on his head. See a L about getting an order for child support put into place and get the hell away from this abusive asshole.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7712 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
simplydevastated
Member
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 6:27 AM, April 21st (Sunday)

After reading all the posts it sounds as if you're trying to hang onto a relationship that may have just run its course. You've been with him through thick-and-thin for along time, so you want to try hang-on and make it work. That's great! However, and this is a HUGE however, he's already broken up with you, at least in his own mind. He is not going to work on this relationship and it takes two to make it work.

If you go with any public confrontation, always bring a trusted friend with you. The last thing you need with four children is for him to slap you with a restraining order.

I would take the others advice and see a lawyer about getting custody papers in place.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

(((hugs)))


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day - listed in profile.)

Posts: 5842 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
homewrecked2011
Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 8:01 AM, April 21st (Sunday)

I made the mistake of confronting before I had solid evidence that he could not deny. Then they went underground so it even freaked me out more. Please see an atty on a free consultation and ask him who is a good PI in the area. If you had a PI on him, he would have gotten video of them together, kissing, etc etc.

Then, take the video the PI is going to give you to file papers making sure you and the children can stay in the house.

Then send the video to everyone in his family and her H if she's married. THEN confront him.

This is the cold water over the head trick.

Do it now while he thinks he is in the clear.

Be calm. Be Sandra Bullock calm. She is my role model thru all of this. She would not have had Jesse James chasing after HER if she was all over town chasing after HIM.

Do this right and he might wake up!

hugs

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 8:02 AM, April 21st (Sunday)]


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 1983 | Registered: Jan 2012
Althea
Member
Member # 37765
Default  Posted: 8:16 AM, April 21st (Sunday)

My sister went through something similar with her STBX. They have three children, and although they had some problems and were even separated for a time, she was blindsided by his decision to cheat. She did everything she could to try to save their marriage because she believed very strongly, as a child of divorce, that it was better for her children to be raised in an in-tact home. This is how it went down for her: she took abuse most of the time, listened to her WH rewrite the marital history and demonize her to all of their friends and in the community while he justified his relationship with AP. He would keep her hooked in by every now and then crying and acting like he got it. Hell, he even slept with her once. This went on for a year. Finally, she realized what he was really doing was going a year without paying child support or spousal support. He had no intention of even filing for divorce because he had it all. She was playing into his "my ex-wife is a crazy stalker" story, and he was getting away without taking care of his family.

Who knows whether you will end up in this scenario. I offer this as a cautionary tale, because sticking around and trying to talk reason into an unremorseful spouse is signing up for a world of abuse, IMO. Take care of yourself. If he is a partner who deserves you, walking away will wake him up. Mostly though, it will protect you and your children.


Taking it one day at a time.

Posts: 447 | Registered: Dec 2012
HelpMe123
Member
Member # 39044
Default  Posted: 8:16 AM, April 21st (Sunday)

To respond to GonnaBe...Why would I want him...because in my screwed up mind I love him. Maybe deep down it's not him I love. I really don't know at this point. Moving out of the house requires quitting my job and relocating 120+ miles away. I moved away from my friends and family long ago to be here with him. Picking up 3 kids and relocating knowing no one. I cannot stay in the area we are in now due to it is WAY to expensive for even rent, and I would need the help of family and friends in either place and back home is that support system for me, not here. I do majorly fear uprooting everyone to move back. I am still in the fog as it's only been 11 days since D-Day. I will reinforce what I said previously. We were always committed to our relationship and to have him say and do what he has been for the last week and a half is just so blindsiding it really knocked me on my ass.


Me BS 37
Him 47
OW 32
Together 12 years
D-Day was told it was EA 4/11/2013 found out it was PA 4/21/2013 :( I am broken
1 son (9)
3 kids from previous (19,17,16)
His kids from previous 2 (17, 15)

Posts: 74 | Registered: Apr 2013
k94ever
Member
Member # 11176
Default  Posted: 8:34 AM, April 21st (Sunday)

HM, file for Child Support. He needs to financially support his kid(s). Does your state recognize common-law marriage? Check into it and you might be able to get some type of spousal support.

Sadly as others have pointed out, he is no longer interested in a relationship with you. You did nothing wrong and deserve better than what he is giving you.

Hold your head up and go see a lawyer to find out your rights.

{{{hugs}}}

k9


BS: 56
WS: 53
Betrayed: 23 years
Affairs: 14 (2 lasted 3 months. Rest were ONS)
WS died: 16 May 2011
Do not stay in your hurt forever. Choose to move out of it.

Posts: 6456 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: Wisconsin
HelpMe123
Member
Member # 39044
Default  Posted: 8:43 AM, April 21st (Sunday)

My state phased out Common Law Marriage in 2005. However, we met criteria because we were together before and I actually do have a chance (small one) to file for a divorce, spousal support. The thing is proving common law marriage...I will find the info and post it here maybe to see if anyone has any opinions. I am meeting with lawyer tomorrow but I would truly prefer to get help for our family before throwing in the towel.


Me BS 37
Him 47
OW 32
Together 12 years
D-Day was told it was EA 4/11/2013 found out it was PA 4/21/2013 :( I am broken
1 son (9)
3 kids from previous (19,17,16)
His kids from previous 2 (17, 15)

Posts: 74 | Registered: Apr 2013
k9lover1
Member
Member # 8531
Default  Posted: 9:09 AM, April 21st (Sunday)

Whose decision was it 3 years ago to live in separate houses and what was the reason for that.

Also, do you take care of his children as well as your own?

[This message edited by k9lover1 at 9:09 AM, April 21st (Sunday)]


D-Day was 10/9/05
He promised NC. He lied. After 4 chances, I kicked him out 1/05/06.
Since then I have survived cancer surgery and a heart attack.
Now he's sorry, but it's too late.

Posts: 8091 | Registered: Oct 2005 | From: Wisconsin
Theradin
Member
Member # 38518
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, April 21st (Sunday)

Ouch! So sorry for your pain.

I agree that confronting him in public may not serve any purpose other than to validate in his own twisted mind that you are NOT someone he wants to be with. Because, you see, in his mind, he would interpret it as though you are 'ruining' his new life. Sounds totally fucked up, but that is how they think! That is how a WS thinks when they are either in the 'fog' or just plain done with the relationship and can't be mature enough to talk to you about it and respect your feelings.

As many others have said, the best thing for you now is to seek an attorney and start working on yourself and protecting the safety and well being of you and the kids. Let him go live what he thinks is a 'satisfying' life. It'll surely blow up in his face at some point. You'll likely get the last laugh, if you even care at that point.

Be strong!


ME: 33 BH
HER: 32 WW
Married: 8 years
Children: Yes
DDay #1: 02/22/2006 (ONS)
DDay #2: 09/23/2012 (EA/PA)
DDay #3: 12/07/2012 (EA/PA)
DDay #4: 01/03/2013 (EA/PA)
DDay #5: 01/24/2013 (EA/PA)
TT until 04/07/2013
100% NC: 04/18/2013

Posts: 190 | Registered: Feb 2013
daledge
Member
Member # 38886
Default  Posted: 10:05 AM, April 21st (Sunday)

I think I might be one to understand what you are going through.

You do need to consult a lawyer, immediately.

Start seeing a therapist as well to help you sort through your thoughts/feelings.

Make a plan of action.

You do not need to throw away your marriage/relationship.

You don't have to forgive and forget to move on. But you and your husband do need to work together to put this relationship of yours together.

Get support, real support from your family and close friends.
Realize that despite your efforts, he has to want things to work between you both, too.

Read, read, read before you confront him so that you will be able to understand things if he does not readily admit to his affair and take responsibility for it. You need to be ready to do the 180.

Good luck, take it slow. This takes such an emotional toll of us, having a plan gives us a sense of control, although, sometimes we don't have much!

xxx


Posts: 106 | Registered: Apr 2013
HelpMe123
Member
Member # 39044
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, April 21st (Sunday)

@K9Lover...let me give you the dirty details if you don't mind...3 years ago my WS was a very verbally abusive man who drank frequently. We agreed that I would move from the home but try to work things out. I rented a townhouse a few miles away while he paid the rent and I paid for everything else. In this time his disabled son came to live with him full time. That was totally against my opinion as I did not believe bringing the kid into a bad situation full time was appropriate. Anyway, life for my kids and I got a little better but life for my stepson was not so hot. One day while I was at the home (our home not the rental) with my youngest son, stepson, and WS my WS spouse started unloading a verbal assault on my stepson because he did not want to play video games with our son. My WS began calling the kid "retarded" and telling him his mother didn't want him because of it and that was why the kid was living there instead of with his mother and a whole lot more but I would be here forever typing. At that time I began recording my WS screaming at my stepson. The next morning my WS's mother called me asking what happened. Apparently my Stepson had contacted her crying after the incident. I told I recorded it because it was so bad. She asked me to send it to her. I really had to think about it, but in the end I thought it's HIS mother, maybe she can help him. I sent her the recording and she immidiatley contacted my step sons mother. The kid's mom removed the kid from the home and my WS has had little contact with both of his children since. I then moved back to where my home area is. Within 1 week there was an emergency court order ordering me back to the county I had resided in with my WS. So the kids and I had to come back, but because we had given up our rental we had nowhere to go. The judge was going to allow me to go back to my home county but then my WS said he would move from the home and the children and I could reside there, across the street. The judge said he could not legally argue with that and I was ordered to reside in our home once again. Once the dust settled (all this happened in a week!) from all of this we found ourselves in a very strange situation. Here we were living across the street from each other raising kids, constantly together. We decided that we would remain a couple and do whatever it took to keep us a family. That is what we have been doing for the last 3 years, until now. Yes is a completely strange situation but even though we never legally married I do not believe in just throwing our family away before we seek professional help. Professional help has never been attempted.


Me BS 37
Him 47
OW 32
Together 12 years
D-Day was told it was EA 4/11/2013 found out it was PA 4/21/2013 :( I am broken
1 son (9)
3 kids from previous (19,17,16)
His kids from previous 2 (17, 15)

Posts: 74 | Registered: Apr 2013
BaldwinBeauty59
Member
Member # 35507
Default  Posted: 10:34 AM, April 21st (Sunday)

If you are not legally married then how can a judge order you to move back to his county? Have you seen a lawyer to find out what your rights are? I am thinking that you are being hoodwinked. He has no legal claim to you so how can a judge issue an order that a free woman has to reside in his county? Even if you have children together, if there is not any legal documents in place specifically outlining his rights to the children and where they live then I'm thinking you are being lied to. You seriously need to see a lawyer ASAP.


Me - BW (53)
Him - WH (56)
OW - skanky whore coworker
Married 33 years
DDay1 8/10/11
DDay2 8/15/11
DDay3 8/28/11
2 grown children
Status - in R

Posts: 978 | Registered: May 2012
HelpMe123
Member
Member # 39044
Default  Posted: 10:38 AM, April 21st (Sunday)

I had a lawyer. The laws in my state are very strict concerning custody. A parent cannot leave the county of residence without permission from the other parent or court. I left the county without permission. I guess technically I did not have to return to the home, but my son did therefore I view that as I'm never leaving my child.


Me BS 37
Him 47
OW 32
Together 12 years
D-Day was told it was EA 4/11/2013 found out it was PA 4/21/2013 :( I am broken
1 son (9)
3 kids from previous (19,17,16)
His kids from previous 2 (17, 15)

Posts: 74 | Registered: Apr 2013
k9lover1
Member
Member # 8531
Default  Posted: 10:57 AM, April 21st (Sunday)

Is child support in place for the 9 year old? I assume it must be and he must be on record as the father or else the judge would not have ordered you to bring the child back.

So, if I understand this, your SO owns the home in which you are living?

I know you want to save the relationship and go back to being a couple, but this is a two-way street. You can't do this alone. As much as you want to fight for this, he has to want it too. Maybe you need to do a hard 180, if for no other reason, than to protect yourself.

I'm sorry to say this, but he doesn't sound like any prize to me. A drinker, abusive, and mean to a disabled child? What a peach.

You can do better than this.

[This message edited by k9lover1 at 1:45 PM, April 21st (Sunday)]


D-Day was 10/9/05
He promised NC. He lied. After 4 chances, I kicked him out 1/05/06.
Since then I have survived cancer surgery and a heart attack.
Now he's sorry, but it's too late.

Posts: 8091 | Registered: Oct 2005 | From: Wisconsin
BaldwinBeauty59
Member
Member # 35507
Default  Posted: 10:59 AM, April 21st (Sunday)

So there is a court ordered custody/visitation agreement between the two of you in place? If not, then you need to be seeing a different lawyer. He can file for visitation and try to keep you in the county but if you show the judge how the children will have a better life in the new city, he will agree with you and allow your move. If you are going to a better job, better school system, better home, extended family near to help with the children, etc. the judge will allow the move in the best interest of the children.


Me - BW (53)
Him - WH (56)
OW - skanky whore coworker
Married 33 years
DDay1 8/10/11
DDay2 8/15/11
DDay3 8/28/11
2 grown children
Status - in R

Posts: 978 | Registered: May 2012
HelpMe123
Member
Member # 39044
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, April 21st (Sunday)

We will be going to an area that is not better then the one we reside in. My WS is telling me to leave, to go home, he and I both know that I cannot afford to reside here on my income. There is a custody agreement in place now but is is joint custody. My WS told me he would sign over Sole Legal Custody if I just leave. I am getting the paperwork drawn up tomorrow. When I informed him I was going to the lawyer to have what he wants done he was not pleased and started saying he never agreed to any of it (oh but he did). Having dealt with children from previous relationships for 17 years now I am fairly educated in the field of family law, I even got my degree in pre-law over the last 3 years to try to protect myself. However, knowing the law is not as great as it sounds. I know my WS is self employed and hides much of his income. Domestic Relations doesn't really care about that, they only see what's on the paper before them. Therefore child support will be minimal. We currently have no support order in place only custody. Why is OW worth throwing his family away so quickly? I strongly believe his relationship with her is VERY new. I know this man very well he can hide nothing. His behavior has only just changed towards me in the last 2 weeks.

[This message edited by HelpMe123 at 11:11 AM, April 21st (Sunday)]


Me BS 37
Him 47
OW 32
Together 12 years
D-Day was told it was EA 4/11/2013 found out it was PA 4/21/2013 :( I am broken
1 son (9)
3 kids from previous (19,17,16)
His kids from previous 2 (17, 15)

Posts: 74 | Registered: Apr 2013
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, April 21st (Sunday)

He sounds like a complete monster. Yelling at his disabled son..calling him retarded..telling him his mother didn't want him??

So...he's clearly abusive to his kids.

And now he is having an affair...which is also abusive. He is being emotionally,mentally,and verbally abusive to you...so clearly he has not gotten any help for his anger/abusive ways.

If this man doesn't realize he needs intensive therapy..why would you want him around your kids?

That poor little boy..to have his father say things like that.

ETA: Does the OW have a kid? if so,I'd send her a copy of that recording..and tell her *this* is the man who she is in luuuurrrrrvvveee with. If she has any sense at all(haha) she will run as far from this abusive monster as possible.

[This message edited by confused615 at 11:35 AM, April 21st (Sunday)]


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7161 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
HelpMe123
Member
Member # 39044
Default  Posted: 3:01 PM, April 21st (Sunday)

I don't know if OW has kids but I fully intend to send her a copy of the recording as soon as I'm out of this!


Me BS 37
Him 47
OW 32
Together 12 years
D-Day was told it was EA 4/11/2013 found out it was PA 4/21/2013 :( I am broken
1 son (9)
3 kids from previous (19,17,16)
His kids from previous 2 (17, 15)

Posts: 74 | Registered: Apr 2013
Topic Posts: 28