I have this too and finally realized it is as Theradin says. My mind is screaming obsenities and calling STBXH names, while in some twisted way his presence still is a comfort...though not much.
"Flurry" is a nice description of the feelings we BS's go through and is away from the roller coaster idea, which gets old. I think of it all as very twisted because while we are fully aware finally of what WS are doing, still the letting go is one of the most painful things I have ever experienced. It is akin to the physical pain of giving birth for me.
What I notice with my STBXH and a few waywards that I've known of, is that during court and L process, sometimes they are civil and even appear kind. My thought is that it is an appearance type thing and I know at least my STBXH panics when there is conflict, so I would think that some want a peaceful process as well as us BS's?
Omahurt, I've wondered the same things as you: is he telling the same things, doting on her, buying her stuff? He is amazing when he wants to be, the charm and listening skills and pretend empathy reel you in and hook you like the sharp end of a fishing rod. You are in too deep with STBXH before you realize Uh-oh-something's funky here.
It took 20 years for me to uncover the funk and OMG there's so damn much of it.
Somewhere on SI is a neat post and it gives a quote that has provided me comfort. It says that "personality" is what we are allowed to see of a person and who we spend time with, while "Character" is what a person does behind closed doors or when they are alone." I don't know if that's word for word, but it describes STBXH better than I ever could.
I am glad you are able to work with your WS. We are trying to but I noticed when I went over one request with him, I got silence. So I don't know if that will come back as an arguement or he will just do it. I asked for money to reimburse me for false counseling because it was so much money and emotional turmoil.
One thing that's hard to remember is that my STBXH and the others I've known in other marriages, like a neighbor...they are nice when in our actual company and then very different when they are not.
I wonder what your WS said he wanted for the future, but it's really ok if you don't want to tell me-I would ask it of any WS, for I don't think mine even plans what he wants for breakfast.
I am in a similar place in my mind with you and its interesting because my Stbxh is already far entwined with OW and family and OW junior, while I am thinking lately how nice it will be to have no ties or responsiblity for a relationship.
And another question would be, how does she trust him, or how does OW trust your WS? For instance, OW in this case found out she hooked herself a married guy -she told me he confessed after it became PA-but she kept him. I know she must think herself in luuuvvveee, but how could she think its real or could last when it started out as lies? I would ask that of any OW, but don't want to generalize or label.
As well I have the eating problem too. Either starving or nothing for long periods.Ashland 13
A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess