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New Beginnings
User Topic: Good lord, will this ever go away?
MollyJo
Member
Member # 18820
Default  Posted: 1:38 PM, April 21st (Sunday)

Broke up with "the love of my life" over 4 years ago (right after the guy who was "always going to have my back" had a baby with another woman).

I've moved on, have been with the new BF for 4 years...and I'm still struck DAILY by how much this experience has changed me and my life. I still have no real dreams for my life; I just don't believe in true love anymore (after spending 30 years convinced I had it); I don't trust anyone, because if the person who supposedly loves you more than anyone in the world can be so incredibly careless with your feelings and your future, who wouldn't be?

It would be so good to be happy and hopeful again. Instead, I'm cynical, closed off, and I have no idea what in the world I'm living for.


Me: BS Him: SOB OC born 9/08. We've split up but I still see him every day and the OW occasionally. Lost my whole life because he couldn't keep it in his pants.

Posts: 223 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: midwest
inconnu
Member
Member # 24518
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, April 21st (Sunday)

((mollyjo)) I'm sorry you're having such a tough time still. Have you done any IC to help you work through these feelings you're still having?


Say what you wanna say and let the words fall out...honestly
I wanna see you be brave

Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect


Posts: 12144 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: TX
Newlease
Member
Member # 7767
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, April 22nd (Monday)

The trick is to know that even if you can't blindly trust someone else, you can trust YOURSELF.

Happiness is more about attitude than circumstances. It helps to find joy in small things - there is beauty all around if you just take the time to notice it.

I have found that helping someone else takes me outside of my own head. Charity work and exercise are the best medicine for those down in the dumps feelings.

Sending strength and peace.

NL


Even if you can't control the world around you, you are still the master of your own soul.

Posts: 7676 | Registered: Aug 2005
SeanFLA
Member
Member # 32380
Default  Posted: 11:18 AM, April 22nd (Monday)

I don't trust anyone, because if the person who supposedly loves you more than anyone in the world can be so incredibly careless with your feelings and your future, who wouldn't be?

This is my biggest problem I'm sorting through. I'm under the notion that "everyone has their own agenda regardless." Lord knows the woman who supposedly had my back had her own agenda and didn't care to share that with me. So why not everyone else?

I also broke up with the woman I was seeing over this thought. Recently we started communicating again and I haven't told her yet but I will...she's selfish and doesn't even see it. What I mean by that is she cares about her own feelings and well being first...well before mine. It seems like she's allowed to say things that hurt me, but feels it's ok because she's been divorced so long that she's very set in her ways and used to taking care of number one. I think being divorced too long and looking for a relationship can be just as difficult to master as being divorced not long enough. People get used to protecting themselves (including their feelings) first sometimes. Really what it comes down to is I don't trust her with my feelings enough. But maybe I just don't trust ANYONE with my feelings enough. I don't know if that will ever come back. It's a numb and frustrating state of mind to be in. Especially when you see and hear all these people you know who are so "in love." Obviously the majority of them haven't suffered through this. Then again maybe their partners are just hiding something since statistics show that 80% of all marriages are touched by infidelity.

[This message edited by SeanFLA at 11:20 AM, April 22nd (Monday)]


BS(me) 48
WW 46
1 son 14 yrs old
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley


Posts: 1459 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Zombie Land
Survivor3512
Member
Member # 37946
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, April 22nd (Monday)

(((Mollyjo))) no real advice. Just wanted you to know you've been heard. Your post reminds me of this quote from Marilyn Monroe:

I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so you can learn to let go. Things go wrong so you can appreciate them when they're right. You believe less so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself. And sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.

I think that is the key. You've got to learn to trust yourself. Good luck and don't give up.


Me (BS)- 36
Divorced
----------------------------------------------------------
Just keep swimming, just keep swimming- Dorie

Posts: 293 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Southeastern U.S.
ProbableIceCream
Member
Member # 37468
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, April 22nd (Monday)

Not being able to trust anyone else ever again seems like a pretty bad outcome. Surely it's possible eventually?


Me, 32. DD, 8. DS, 6 (deceased).

Posts: 818 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Pacific Northwest
damncutekitty
Member
Member # 5929
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, April 22nd (Monday)

I don't trust anyone, because if the person who supposedly loves you more than anyone in the world can be so incredibly careless with your feelings and your future, who wouldn't be?

I can't allow myself to think that way. IMO it feels like letting my XH and the OW win. They put a lot of effort into the destruction of my former life. I am determined to live a full and happy life in spite of all their best efforts to the contrary.


Keep calm and carry on.

Posts: 49468 | Registered: Nov 2004 | From: Minneapolis
ProbableIceCream
Member
Member # 37468
Default  Posted: 12:28 PM, April 22nd (Monday)

damncutekitty, I like your attitude on this. I think that being disappointed by people is not a black and white thing. Not everyone is going to potentially betray one in the worst way possible, but on the other hand, some will, and it's a bit of a calculated risk, based on one's ability perhaps to trust one's own judgment of character, based on experience, and based on willingness to accept the risk for the reward of living a full life.


Me, 32. DD, 8. DS, 6 (deceased).

Posts: 818 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Pacific Northwest
MollyJo
Member
Member # 18820
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, April 25th (Thursday)

Thanks for the support, everyone. A big part of my issue with this is that I am NOT a person who naturally trusts or gets close to people--all the usual childhood stuff.
WS not only knew this, he played on it. If you read my bio, you'll see that we'd been best friends since I was 14 years old. He made a big point of letting me know that I could completely, 100% trust him (and probably not anyone else) for nearly 30 years. In fact, it was this ingrained belief (and, I think, the fear of finding out the truth) that kept me from following my gut during the four+ years of his affair.
So now there's a big chunk of me that believes that not only can you not trust anyone, but anyone who clearly WANTS you to trust them only wants that so they can manipulate you.
Luckily, I think that it's entirely possible to be happy without putting too much trust in people. I just don't know how to stop wallowing in the "What happened to the life I planned for 40 years? Where are the kids I was supposed to have? What am I supposed to do now? What's the use?" place I can't seem to get out of.


Me: BS Him: SOB OC born 9/08. We've split up but I still see him every day and the OW occasionally. Lost my whole life because he couldn't keep it in his pants.

Posts: 223 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: midwest
MollyJo
Member
Member # 18820
Default  Posted: 9:34 AM, April 25th (Thursday)

Damncutekitty
They put a lot of effort into the destruction of my former life. I am determined to live a full and happy life in spite of all their best efforts to the contrary.

What's sad is that none of these jackasses put any effort into ANYTHING. If WS had expended any effort, he could have just kept it in his pants. Or used birth control. Our lives get ruined not because they're evil geniuses, but because they can't be bothered to think clearly, or act responsibly, or make any effort to do anything that doesn't feel good to them.


Me: BS Him: SOB OC born 9/08. We've split up but I still see him every day and the OW occasionally. Lost my whole life because he couldn't keep it in his pants.

Posts: 223 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: midwest
stretch13
Member
Member # 26894
Default  Posted: 1:11 PM, April 25th (Thursday)

Not being able to trust anyone else ever again seems like a pretty bad outcome. Surely it's possible eventually?

i'm there. can't believe it, never saw it coming, held it arms length for a long time. H and i (not XH), are both BS's. the level of transparency, constant affirmation, commitment, mindful presence and the focus we have on family and bonding restored my trust. he and i still look at each other, feeling vulnerable now and then, and say with an eyebrow up and gently wary eye, "don't fuck this up..." followed by "you either..."

i don't worry about him cheating. it's easy. and i'm definitely not blindly trusting anymore. i don't think there is anyone who "could never do that to me" but i'm back closer to that than i thought i would be. we've stayed in this vulnerable and trusted place because our actions every day affirm our words and commitment.

it's a big risk. i was just fine on my own. i took it anyway. so far, the gamble has paid off in spades. if he was someone who didn't get infidelity and/or who ever left me doubting, i wouldn't be here. my fight or flight response is strong and i've done enough fighting for a very long time.

it's possible.


http://www.facebook.com/hardheadpress
http://www.amazon.com/Eli-Ely-Ezekiel-Tyrus/dp/0986042900/

http://hardheadpress.com/

life must be rich and full of loving--it's no good otherwise, no good at all, for anyone - j. kerouac


Posts: 3929 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: east coast
Topic Posts: 11