SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Wayward Side
User Topic: Performance issues?
guiltfilled11
New Member
Member # 35713
Default  Posted: 4:43 PM, April 21st (Sunday)

Let me start out by saying that my wife and I have been on the fast track to R and everything has been going great except one thing...

Lately I have been having some issues with sex. I think it has a lot to do with my guilt and mental state as a whole. I am struggling with what I can only describe as Sexual Performance Anxiety and it is really testing our relationship as of late.

So I was wondering if any other AS out there have had this issue and if so how did you get through it? I know its mainly mental but any insight would help us both.

Thank you in advance


Me - WH - 30 (Stupid selfish husband)
BS - 27
3 Amazing Children
D-day - 7/6/11
R begins - 8/29/11

Posts: 21 | Registered: May 2012 | From: guiltfilled11
Steppenwolf
Member
Member # 38140
Default  Posted: 7:21 PM, April 21st (Sunday)

I can relate.

I think the best thing to do is talk about it with BS so it doesn't live and grow in your mind.


Me: WS- 30s
Her: BS- 30s RockyMtn



Posts: 126 | Registered: Jan 2013
Uneek
Member
Member # 38416
Default  Posted: 1:28 AM, April 22nd (Monday)

We're having this issue, except instead of performance anxiety it's a lack of desire at all. Our therapist is in the process of diagnosing H, but it looks like it will be either acute stress disorder or PTSD, which may explain some of the performance issue.

So I have no advice on how to get through it since we're still muddling through, but do be upfront with your BS. H didn't tell me about the lack of desire/inability to be aroused until I confronted him about his constant rejection of me


Posts: 114 | Registered: Feb 2013
idiot85
Member
Member # 38934
Default  Posted: 6:59 AM, April 22nd (Monday)

No stop sign...So... BH here-

I get the exact same thing and with various states of issues- sometimes just doesn't happen at all, sometimes goes away, sometimes too fast sometimes doesn't...end (I think that's the most gentlemanly way to put it!).

I feel a lot better after I've talked to my wife about it because then it takes a bit of the stress away- means I don't need to worry I'm going to upset or stress her out.

I know it's easier said than done but there's a lot to be said for relaxing too. I try to focus on concentrating on that second like "ooh I like kisses" I know it sounds daft but it helps me.


BH-29 (me)
WW-28

Multi famam, conscientiam, pauci verentur.


Posts: 575 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Old Blighty
HurtButHoping12
Member
Member # 34918
Default  Posted: 9:16 AM, April 22nd (Monday)

I'm glad you posted here for help :)

This is a tough one for us to deal with because... through everything that has happened, intimacy is the one thing that we have NEVER had issues with. I don't know how to help him deal with this, and its extremely frustrating to me because I feel like its one more thing the A has robbed me of.

I'm not upset with HIM at all, and I want to figure out what I can do to help him work through this.


BW (me):30
WH (guiltfilled11): 31
together 11 years, married 5 years
DDay: July 6th 2011
False R: beginning of August
True R until DDay 06/20 - talking to another girl and lying about it
Kids: DD 7, DS 4, DD 3

On the fence... do I stay or do


Posts: 183 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: NY
Sienna500
Member
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, April 22nd (Monday)

I'm I85's WW and we've definitely found taking it step by step helps to just stay in the moment.

He's always talked to me about it and that helps a lot too.


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
thecaves
Member
Member # 38062
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, April 22nd (Monday)

I had the exact same issues a couple of times. You start to think in your head is your BS having thoughts about you and the AP, are they really in the moment with you, are they enjoying this moment of intimacy. Unfortunately, it then hits you and affects your ability to maintain arousal. You WANT badly to please your BS but the body and mind just does not want to cooperate.

I think this is one area where you must have serious open and frank discussions with your BS. You should both discuss clearly what you feel before, during, and after sex. Be clear to each other that sometimes both of you may have issues and it's OK if you need to stop or even say something during the act if you want help.

We also found it helps to be very loving throughout the entire day through random kisses, words, and physical touch. It builds up the suspense and your evening will be truly about being with each other.


Me: WH
Her: BW
Kids: Yes
Married: 20+
D-Day: 12/2012

What defines us is how well we rise after falling.


Posts: 173 | Registered: Jan 2013
kourt090
Member
Member # 34926
Default  Posted: 11:35 PM, April 22nd (Monday)

WH and I have had the same issues. First and foremost, be honest with your BS about what's going on. It's very hard, especially when trying to R, to feel like your WS is rejecting you or not aroused by you. Just talking about it and explaining that it has nothing to do with your BS but is caused by your own stress and feelings of guilt can put your BS at ease (knowing it's not THEM) and can also help take the pressure to perform off of you.

I find that a problem I have is that my mind tends to wander during intimate moments with WH. A good distraction for me AND WH has been to set the mood with low lighting and music. The music has actually helped me and WH to stay focused on each other and not get distracted by random thoughts. Maybe it's worth giving a try?


Kourt090

Posts: 292 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Utah
silverhopes
Member
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 11:40 PM, April 22nd (Monday)

It might help to tell her the things about her that turn you on. It could help in two ways: it might reassure her that you are turned on by her and mentally there with her, and also by talking about it it might help you overcome some of the anxiety by focusing on the things that turn you on, instead of focusing on the anxiety itself (I know that feeling anxious, and then thinking about and focusing on the anxiety during intimacy can make it difficult to overcome). Sort of refocusing your thoughts. As you focus on those things that excite both of you, you might even begin to find new things. Good luck.


Find peace. Or sleep on it.

Infidelities are like icebergs - they may take many different shapes and sizes, but they all damage your ship.


Posts: 3901 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
Ladyogilvy
Member
Member # 31558
Default  Posted: 12:39 AM, April 23rd (Tuesday)

Dude, just get some Cialis. It's better than Viagra, lasts longer and doesn't give you a headache so you have a bigger window of opportunity. That's important, especially after an A when seducing your wife probably involves more than it did pre A. Cialis is expensive but can be gotten more cheaply from Canada. Also, it's way cheaper than marriage counseling and there's a lot you can do towards R in bed that no amount of MC can do. You need to be showing her that you love her, are attracted to her and want her. IMO.


Me: BW a youthful 49
Him: alcoholic, sober now, WH 56
Married 19 years
Two sons, 16 & 17 years old
DD? He's still keeping secrets and only admits to what I have indisputable
evidence of... the $2000 earrings he bought her for x-mas.

Posts: 1512 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: California
Topic Posts: 10