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Just Found Out
User Topic: Back again and it's worse this time :(
careerlady
Member
Member # 16958
Default  Posted: 5:49 PM, April 21st (Sunday)

Haven't posted on here in a while. Although my husband and I had a wonderful marriage, we occasionally argued about his flirting (which once led to a girl sending him a naked photo!)

Our marriage became long distance 6/08 due to career issues (I started residency in Cali, his plan was to follow me), and although things were great between us, I started feeling something was not right, so I snooped in his email and found a copy of an airline ticket for one of his "friends". The weekend she was scheduled to be in town, I called him and could not get him on the phone, which made me feel sick to my stomach cause I knew the truth at that point. On October 6th, 2008, I called the OW I suspected him of being with and she said they slept together and that she was shocked to find out he was married.

I sent him separation papers 4 days after D-Day. He said he was wrong, it is all his fault, and he wished he would have read a CNN article I sent him earlier (basically about setting boundaries and how affairs develop unintentionally). He says he has been devastated because we are soul mates and doesn't know what he would do without me.
We ended up reconciling (but i didn't hold him to therapy like a dummy because he did one session and hated it), had a long distance marriage until 2009 when he moved in with me in LA (in between time he lived in N cali). When i finished residency i got a job in n cali cause his job was based there. I got pregnant 7/2011 but miscarried. That brought us closer. On 7/8/12 we had a beautiful baby boy. We were getting ready to buy a house on his va loan and doing pretty well.

Suddenly 2 days ago Friday 4/19 he texted me and said he wanted to kill himself and later said that his credit score had gone way down so I would have to ask the loan processor to try the mortgage with me alone. He wouldn't tell me why his score went down, refused to talk about it except to say he was devastated. Now I don't know if he wanted me to check cause I do have access to all his accounts. I checked his credit report and it said "family court, child or family support" for $10,000!!!!!!! Judgement 10/12. So now there was another OW suing him for child support???? The prior OW was in Colorado and this court is based in the county where he used to live when I was in LA and he was in northern Cali after we reconciled. I am praying this baby is way old and he just recently found out but I doubt it. I'm devastated. He seemed so accountable for the last few years. That's all i've found so not sure whether there's an active affair. Planning to confront him when he comes back from a business trip. He left after d-day today but my aunt will be in town next weekend so I want to wait until she's gone. This is so crappy because my brother in law is staying with us for a little bit so it's like do I kick them both out? If I qualify for the house alone which I should I am thinking to get it and tell DH he can't come. He would have like 6 weeks notice to find a new pad for him and brother in law.

I hate the idea of divorce and being a single mom but also the idea of forgiving him AGAIN and paying child support. He seems to be a serial cheater who is able to completely compartmentalize and is too dumb to use a condom. My poor baby deserves better!!! Open to any advice

ETA: found the court record and found the OW. She used to work with me and was in his karate dojo when we lived in Philly. Skank. At least the kid is 4 so they cheating time period was the same

[This message edited by careerlady at 8:15 PM, April 21st (Sunday)]


Me (BS, 35); The Snake (WS, 36) 13yrs together; 1 baby boy (DOB 7/12)
Serial cheater-Multiple OWs, Multiple D-Days
Divorcing! Stupid in house separation though

Posts: 864 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Northern California
callmecrazy
Member
Member # 38765
Default  Posted: 6:03 PM, April 21st (Sunday)

Im so sorry you have been hit like this. He didnt even have the decency to tell you himself. I think that makes the worst case seem most likely. He needs to talk with you. He needs to come clean. You dont get to that point in court proceedings without knowing.
Stay strong for your son. If your H wont talk its time to 180do while you figure things out.
Hugs and support from across the US.

Posts: 279 | Registered: Mar 2013
simplydevastated
Member
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 6:12 PM, April 21st (Sunday)

Wow, you've been through so much. My heart goes out to you.

I will agree with the other poster. 180 him and get all the information together that you can. He needs to come clean and tell you everything, and you're right, you and your baby deserve better than this.

(((hugs)))


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day's, listed in profile)


Posts: 5375 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
Omahahurt
New Member
Member # 39046
Default  Posted: 6:14 PM, April 21st (Sunday)

Oh Honey, I am so sorry. My heart goes out to you. Take it one day at a time. Think about what you want and need. I feel bad giving advice since Iam only 5 days into this, but my heart goes out to you.


me-34
h-32
DD-4/17/2013

Posts: 26 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Nebraska
Dark Inertia
Member
Member # 30727
Default  Posted: 6:14 PM, April 21st (Sunday)

You summed up my opinion.


My poor baby deserves better!!!

Your poor baby and YOU deserves better.


"If I listened earlier, I wouldn't be here. But that's just the trouble with me. I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it."

Posts: 1102 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: The Ohio
burnedcanuckEMS
Member
Member # 35813
Default  Posted: 6:55 PM, April 21st (Sunday)

Wow. I don't have any advice other than to say stay strong. I am so sorry you are going through such hell. It takes a long time to heal from all this. I am not sure I will ever heal from the shit my ex- Husband and ex-boyfriend pulled. Hugs to you.


Me: BW 38, Him: WH 37
M: 07/07/07
DDay: 06/09/12
Divorce Granted on December 5, 2012 - fasted divorce ever (thanks to my good lawyer) and I am not looking back with ANY regrets!!

"And this above all else, to thine own self be true"


Posts: 215 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Alberta
Ashland13
Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 7:18 PM, April 21st (Sunday)

I'm really sorry for what you are going through and have a bunch of similar things.

My STBXH never told me himself but dropped hints like yours. He'd type "I'm a bad, bad man", whenever I tried to talk abut marriage last year. Or he'd type "I'm not a monster", but I never knew to what he referred.

I wonder if your WH is doing a similar thing and thinking if you look up the credit cards, you'll find the A's without him having to tell you? That's what my STXH wanted, was for me to know without him telling me.

For me, it's one the most cowardly and deceiptful thing a person can do. He's been gone a year and never filed for D. Makes excuses to relatives so i finally had to do it.

I also worry about our children and I forgave him once, but the false R sent me to emotional hell so it was a real lesson.

I hope very much you will get the house and if you decide not to let him come, then hope you get that. It doesn't sound like he deserves your forgiveness or family life with you, but it's the hardest thing to let go.

It's so much courage to confront them, I give you much credit and also for being thoughtful about it during the emotional turmoil as well. I imagine it will be very hard while the relatives are there and hope it will be okay someday.

Maybe in the long run for the new house and your child(ren) it might be a more peaceful place without your WH-and, it would be completely new and not tainted with reminders of his behavior and actions.

My house is very hard to be in sometimes because he started the online crap and the A here, but I want so much to overcome the ghosts and shadows and make the place mine and my children's home instead. I like that idea for you very much and maybe it could be a way to move on easier.


Ashland 13

The only thing that stays the same, is change. -M. Etheridge


Posts: 1965 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 7:27 PM, April 21st (Sunday)

I urge you to get legal advice immediately. The fact that there are one, possibly two children already receiving support from your husband does not bode well for YOU and YOUR BABY. It's first come, first served when it comes to dollars divvied up for child support, according to my understanding. You need to get on this immediately.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8785 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Theradin
Member
Member # 38518
Default  Posted: 8:01 PM, April 21st (Sunday)

Holy shit! This story is so insane! It's so sad that it is actually REAL. I feel your pain. I couldn't imagine what you're going through. I thought my situation was pretty horrible, but this one takes the cake (mine didn't result in an affair child, STD, or any other thing that I've seen posted on here).

All I can honestly say is get the hell away from that guy as soon as you can. You deserve WAAAAAAAY better. Not only you, but your little baby. This guy has yucky written all over him. You seem incredibly intelligent, have a good head on your shoulders, and are surely a very good mom. Honestly, 180 that sleazeball and find something more on your maturity and commitment level

[This message edited by Theradin at 8:02 PM, April 21st (Sunday)]


ME: 33 BH
HER: 32 WW
Married: 8 years
Children: Yes
DDay #1: 02/22/2006 (ONS)
DDay #2: 09/23/2012 (EA/PA)
DDay #3: 12/07/2012 (EA/PA)
DDay #4: 01/03/2013 (EA/PA)
DDay #5: 01/24/2013 (EA/PA)
TT until 04/07/2013
100% NC: 04/18/2013

Posts: 190 | Registered: Feb 2013
careerlady
Member
Member # 16958
Helpless  Posted: 8:10 PM, April 21st (Sunday)

Just found out the kid was conceived before the first DD (with a skank I knew in Philly in the same circles as the original OW), and I haven't found any evidence of anything going on currently. So may have just been that one time period. I always knew there were more.

Thanks for your support. It's still bad since he needs to discuss it with me and this will end up being $$$ but I feel much better to know he didn't do it again. I am leaning towards R now because the sex was part of the original forgiveness deal

[This message edited by careerlady at 8:21 PM, April 21st (Sunday)]


Me (BS, 35); The Snake (WS, 36) 13yrs together; 1 baby boy (DOB 7/12)
Serial cheater-Multiple OWs, Multiple D-Days
Divorcing! Stupid in house separation though

Posts: 864 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Northern California
Kajem
Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 8:18 PM, April 21st (Sunday)

He needs to talk to you about this.

Paternity needs to be proven... And he needs to man up.. and figure this out.

Hugs,

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4031 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
careerlady
Member
Member # 16958
Default  Posted: 8:24 PM, April 21st (Sunday)

Theraden I don't think there is any moral difference in sex that results in only hurt feelings versus hurt feeling plus biologic things like kids and STDs


Me (BS, 35); The Snake (WS, 36) 13yrs together; 1 baby boy (DOB 7/12)
Serial cheater-Multiple OWs, Multiple D-Days
Divorcing! Stupid in house separation though

Posts: 864 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Northern California
I think I can
Member
Member # 17756
Default  Posted: 9:44 PM, April 21st (Sunday)

Careerlady,

What a shock; I'm so sorry. Take time before you start thinking about R. Even though this child was conceived long ago--your husband is still acting like a WS. HE is devastated, HE wants to kill himself. Me Me Me. What about your hurt? What about your pain? It doesn't seem as though he is communicating--he is just running away.

Don't offer R at this time--what is HE offering?

He's gotta man up before he deserves the gift of R again.

[This message edited by I think I can at 9:45 PM, April 21st (Sunday)]


I'm not the winner, I'm the prize.

Posts: 8717 | Registered: Jan 2008
MFC2011
Member
Member # 34856
Default  Posted: 10:14 PM, April 21st (Sunday)

Sent you a PM.

(((careerlady)))


Dday#1: 12/25/11, Dday#2: 3/28/12, 4+ OW
It's in the stars
It's been written in the scars on our hearts
That we're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
-Pink, "Just Give Me A Reason"

Posts: 795 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: USA
Housefulloflove
Member
Member # 38458
Default  Posted: 10:48 PM, April 21st (Sunday)

I'm having a hard time understanding why you would be leaning towards R with someone who hinted at telling you he has an OC who is 4 years old.

He didn't even have the maturity to tell you straight out. Saying he wants to kill himself and then pointing you in the direction of the secret he has? Wth is that?!

That is not a healthy way of handling potential conflict at all. Based on what you wrote here it's a pretty darn big red flag actually that at the very least he has not learned good coping mechanisms and handles problems very poorly.


Me-29 Starting over
ExWH-29 Probable NPD, PA, manchild
3 beautiful young children
DDay 1/20/13 Admits PA
No remorse so NO R. DIVORCED! 9/2013

Posts: 541 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: USA
mysticpenguin
Member
Member # 38839
Default  Posted: 11:35 PM, April 21st (Sunday)

Throwing my lot in with Housefulloflove here. Is he a little boy in high school, or is he a man capable and (here's the kicker) worthy of love, commitment, honor, etc? Only you know.

He has been lying to you about a HUGE, huge secret for four years. Well. Four years plus gestation. If he's hidden a child from you, what else could he be lying about? Don't even offer R until you feel you have the FULL truth. Trust your instinct and your gut. You'll know when you have it. Listen to what your body tells you.


Betrayed

Posts: 306 | Registered: Mar 2013
Jospehine85
Member
Member # 35971
Default  Posted: 11:49 PM, April 21st (Sunday)

Careerlady, you need to go talk to an attorney and protect yourself and your child financially.

It sounds like a judgment for back (unpaid child support). That would mean that OW had gotten a court order for child support in the past and your WH failed to pay it.

Your WH has known for awhile that he is supposed to pay this OW child support and has not. THere had been an ONGOING litigation for an extended period time before that judgment was filed against him. The legal system does not work terribly fast.

It is this deception that is very troubling (not that the previously forgiven infidelity begat an OC). I think you need to have a very blunt conversation with your WH and ask him to come clean.

Good luck.


Me - BS 40s
WH - 50s
4 Kids
Dday May 2012

Posts: 810 | Registered: Jun 2012
careerlady
Member
Member # 16958
Default  Posted: 11:50 PM, April 21st (Sunday)

I totally understand where people are coming from but we were both immature in that we skirted around the issue but basically silently agreed there had been others. From the way the court papers look he just found out he was the father last October not 4 years ago. I agree he has poor coping skills and that this needs to be addressed but I did forgive him for 2008 and move on. I am absolutely going to confront him and continue on with plans to move into the new house alone if I don't like his responses, but there is a huge difference to me between trickle truth and a new affair. And quite honestly I don't know that it's fair to forgive him, bring a child into the situation, and then divorce him because of something that happened before I forgave him. Not saying divorce is off the table completely but that my inclination would be to work things out for my son's sake.


Me (BS, 35); The Snake (WS, 36) 13yrs together; 1 baby boy (DOB 7/12)
Serial cheater-Multiple OWs, Multiple D-Days
Divorcing! Stupid in house separation though

Posts: 864 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Northern California
BrighterFuture
Member
Member # 38914
Default  Posted: 11:55 PM, April 21st (Sunday)

I'm not an expert but this is what I have to say. I saw the signs of unfaithfulness in my exfiance but since I didn't want to be single or to raise a boy alone. I let it go without full remorse or change of behavior. Now, I'm leaving him with 2 kids and wish I had left when I still had one. Take time to really think if you want to continue in your marriage considering all the facts.


Me:30
Him:31
D-day:2/24/13 (I was 10 weeks pregnant at the time and DS was 15 months)
Status: Parted ways!

"If only I can fight just a little longer, I know it's gonna make me stronger" Jamie Grace-Holding on.


Posts: 260 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Ohio
PurpleRose
Member
Member # 33129
Default  Posted: 12:15 AM, April 22nd (Monday)

You sound pretty foggy. I think you are missing the point many folks are trying to say to you--

He LIED about the OC. He didn't tell you there was one! And he clearly knew about the child since his veiled attempt to direct you to the truth worked. He lied. Again. Kept a secret, and quite a large one too!

That is what we are all seeing we understand this child is a result of an A that hapoened years ago, and you worked through that PA. But, gently here, career lady-- he has a child with the OW that he never told you about.

How much more is there to the truth that you don't know!?? And are you willing to keep living in the dark wih him?


divorced the Dooosh
*****************************
even if you find your voice,
sometimes it does not matter anymore,
when you speak to a man who is deaf by choice.
~dodinsky

Posts: 3240 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: ATX
careerlady
Member
Member # 16958
Default  Posted: 12:21 AM, April 22nd (Monday)

You're all right he should have told me 6 months ago. That's why this is a big deal. It's just not an all but automatic divorce for me like a new betrayal would be that's all I'm saying


Me (BS, 35); The Snake (WS, 36) 13yrs together; 1 baby boy (DOB 7/12)
Serial cheater-Multiple OWs, Multiple D-Days
Divorcing! Stupid in house separation though

Posts: 864 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Northern California
Hurt2Deeply
Member
Member # 38317
Default  Posted: 12:27 AM, April 22nd (Monday)

It is OK for you to want to reconcile. Many very damaged marriages make it. It will certainly be difficult but not impossible. You do not have to make that decision now. You have time to see how this works.

I think you need to do more investigating. It is very important for you to know the truth. He needs to also openly confess. Usually there is very painful TT. Persist until you believe you have the whole story.

You mentioned you have a good career. Great! That will help you tremendously. My concern is you need to make him totally responsible for his financial obligations. You do not need to enable him or take on his consequences just because he seems needy. Those should all be his to own and manage. Also he needs to remember he has financial responsibilities for his own little son and you as a couple. You should not have to finance him so he can finance her and the OC.

He will likely mature more and become more responsible if he has to cope with his own consequences.

Yes, if that was years ago and he is being remorseful now and working on the marriage he is in a better position to try to save the marriage.

Blessings and love to you.

H2D


Me BS 57
Him FWH 60
M 35 years
3 Adult kids
R
3 Grandkids

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jan 2013
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 12:40 AM, April 22nd (Monday)

You need legal advice immediately. I'm saying this again because it's that important. You need legal advice. You need to protect yourself and your baby financially. Divorce him or not, you need to protect yourself and your baby financially.

Furthermore, you have unconvered an enormous lie, one which has been perpetrated against you for an extremely long time. It concerns me that you are so blithley shrugging off again & again, rather than face this hard truth and do some serious introspection. If *I* were disclosing to the group these kinds of discoveries and responding to people the way you are I'd be accused of minimizing, denying, rugsweeping, and a whole host of other unhealthy mind tricks.

You need legal advice from a family law attorney so you can protect yourself and your baby financially.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8785 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
careerlady
Member
Member # 16958
Default  Posted: 10:07 AM, April 22nd (Monday)

Thank you I will start separating out the finances and get some legal counsel. I was not trying to shrug it off, I was just relieved that it was from years ago and that he's known for months and not years. Obviously we have a big problem here I'm not trying to say we don't it's just not the problem I thought it was when I first posted. Was trying to correct the record so I could get better advice.


Me (BS, 35); The Snake (WS, 36) 13yrs together; 1 baby boy (DOB 7/12)
Serial cheater-Multiple OWs, Multiple D-Days
Divorcing! Stupid in house separation though

Posts: 864 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Northern California
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, April 22nd (Monday)

Gently...you forgave him in 2008..but you didn't know everything he had done...he failed to disclose everyone he had cheated on you with. So that forgiveness was based on false information.

Also...the paternity test may have been done last October..and he has known *for sure* since then. But...this OW never told him at the time that she was pregnant? She never mentioned it to him? I highly doubt he was too surprised by the paternity results...surely he had to have known for the last 4 years that this child was possibly/probably his. And he chose to accept your forgiveness,and not tell you about this...until he had no choice.

((((careerlady))))


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: R? I don't know..ask me tomorrow..it changes rapidly.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 6655 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
heforgotme
Member
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 10:29 AM, April 22nd (Monday)

I was just relieved that it was from years ago and that he's known for months and not years.

This would make a difference to me too. BUT....

Are you sure you want to deal with the OC situation for the rest of your life?

And the fact that he did not tell you immediately when he found out is very concerning. Besides being dishonest, did he really think you would never find out? It doesn't even make sense.

If you want to stay together, I think I would at least insist on IC. He's not thinking in a healthy manner.

Good luck.


D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1038 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
Hurt2Deeply
Member
Member # 38317
Default  Posted: 10:34 AM, April 22nd (Monday)

I understand how the length of time since it happened is encouraging plus that he has not known for very long.

It is very wise to seek legal counsel. I think the more investigating you do the better you will know what is going on when you confront him. There are many ways of doing that. The people here have a lot of knowledge on how to do that. Keep listening and posting.

The more information you have the more power you will have in getting him to be honest and in making your decisions.

I believe the ones who have the best success are those who lay down strict behavioral demands and boundaries and stick to them. Start out with a strong position on what you expect and must have from him.

He needs shocked out of this behavior and any more secrecy if he plans to keep you.

He might be trying to make the marriage work but already be in trouble too deep he does not know how to handle it. How is he treating you? Is he irritable and mean or has he been truly working hard on your relationship the last 3 years?

H2D


Me BS 57
Him FWH 60
M 35 years
3 Adult kids
R
3 Grandkids

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jan 2013
Edith
Member
Member # 38337
Default  Posted: 10:44 AM, April 22nd (Monday)

Hi CL,
So terribly sorry you are going through this. It sounds to me like you have a lovely, forgiving nature. Possibly at your own expense.

found out he was the father last October

I believe this is your issue. There are ways for waywards to hide things and justify them to themselves...i.e. you did not specifically ASK if there was an other child, or you did not ASK if OW turned up pregnant, etc.

So lies are outright lies, no such thing as a "little white lie." Also are lies of omission and semantics. If there is R in the future for you, I would make this perfectly clear to him that his not telling you in October immediately when he found out would qualify as a lie moving forward.

Hugs, and again, I am so sorry you are dealing with this. Take care.

E.


Lies are manipulations. Always.

Posts: 284 | Registered: Feb 2013
stretch13
Member
Member # 26894
Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, April 22nd (Monday)

he spent $10,000 of the family's money on court battles and received judgements that will continue to affect you and your child's finances for the next 20 years. then he lied and covered it up...until he couldn't, just like the 4year old OC. when exactly was he going to fill you in? um...when he was forced to. then he pitied himself when he HAD to tell you because the loan was going to be denied. he didn't come clean either....he wouldn't tell you why his credit score went down.

Now I don't know if he wanted me to check cause I do have access to all his accounts.

what a coward!!!!! that's the best comfort he can give you????????

this IS infidelity. it may be mostly financial this time, but the lies and compartmentalization and justifications of a WS are still RAGING in his brain.

also...how do you feel about a guy who tries to hide and not pay for the kids he's created?

from what i can tell, he is still squirrelly as hell. i would very seriously consider what kind of role model he will be for your son...and if your son will grow up to be a sneak, a cheat and a thief like your WS.

sorry for the 2x4. i do feel immense sympathy for your situation...but your rose-colored glasses have you drunk in his delusions.

oh, honey...i think it will be worse next time.[/bold]

[This message edited by stretch13 at 1:10 PM, April 22nd (Monday)]


http://www.facebook.com/hardheadpress
http://www.amazon.com/Eli-Ely-Ezekiel-Tyrus/dp/0986042900/

http://hardheadpress.com/

life must be rich and full of loving--it's no good otherwise, no good at all, for anyone - j. kerouac


Posts: 3929 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: east coast
stretch13
Member
Member # 26894
Default  Posted: 1:09 PM, April 22nd (Monday)

btw - don't forget how many times this OW can take him to court over the years (infinite?), or harass you? how many times will he have to see her again? should he deny all contact with his OC? are you going to go with him everytime?

you should check out the OC thread in ICR. i learned 100 things i never would have thought of about dealing with OC in an M. it's SO much harder than you might think.


http://www.facebook.com/hardheadpress
http://www.amazon.com/Eli-Ely-Ezekiel-Tyrus/dp/0986042900/

http://hardheadpress.com/

life must be rich and full of loving--it's no good otherwise, no good at all, for anyone - j. kerouac


Posts: 3929 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: east coast
careerlady
Member
Member # 16958
Default  Posted: 10:36 AM, April 23rd (Tuesday)

Anyway through my investigations I found a suspicious number on the phone records and it's female. No results on reverse phone look up. Should I call to confront her first or wait till I confront him? Keep in mind my aunt is visiting the one weekend he's in town.... Ugh


Me (BS, 35); The Snake (WS, 36) 13yrs together; 1 baby boy (DOB 7/12)
Serial cheater-Multiple OWs, Multiple D-Days
Divorcing! Stupid in house separation though

Posts: 864 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Northern California
careerlady
Member
Member # 16958
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, April 23rd (Tuesday)

I wanted to ask her how she enjoyed her hotel stay but the suspicious hotel I see was on a night he was going out late with coworkers. Looking at the bill just one person ate.... Who knows though I guesss


Me (BS, 35); The Snake (WS, 36) 13yrs together; 1 baby boy (DOB 7/12)
Serial cheater-Multiple OWs, Multiple D-Days
Divorcing! Stupid in house separation though

Posts: 864 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Northern California
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, April 23rd (Tuesday)

Keep digging. I think you are finding what you need to know that he is not doing what he needs to do to be a good husband.

I know it hurts. Keep posting, we are all here.

(((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 14 & 16
Married for 21 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 6614 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Pudding
Member
Member # 37168
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, April 23rd (Tuesday)

Hugs for you. I know how awful it is. My FWH told me about OC when OC was 3, but said it was all over. We did not dig deep then -i wish I had. II only found out the full story 9 months ago - one month after marrying him. He used to visit OC and still saw socially for late night post work drinks, with the collusion of OWH!!! Since then, after massive rows, we have begun to work on R - it is possible, but there have been conditions. Big big condition is NC with OW? If he wants contact with OC, it has to be through OWH ( funnily enough, he has not wanted contact since then). Another condition is that he works on defining his boundaries and works on finding out the why.

There can be no R without NC. An OC complicates. I am "lucky" in that OWH has accepted OC as his and is raising OC as his in full knowledge of the biological paternity. There has been no demand for money and they have all refused to do DNA test. I say that without DNA test, then I won't recognise OC as his.

If you really want to work on R, he must be fully honest and transparent, there must be NC and the finances need to be sorted out. If he won't accept these conditions, ( or any others you want) then why R?


Posts: 220 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: UK
careerlady
Member
Member # 16958
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)

Thanks all. I made an appointment with a lawyer tomorrow and am looking into jobs in SoCal where my family is (came to N cal for WH)


Me (BS, 35); The Snake (WS, 36) 13yrs together; 1 baby boy (DOB 7/12)
Serial cheater-Multiple OWs, Multiple D-Days
Divorcing! Stupid in house separation though

Posts: 864 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Northern California
stretch13
Member
Member # 26894
Default  Posted: 1:15 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)

((((careerlady)))) i can almost hear the deflation in your words. it's going to be ok. you are going to be ok. you are going to be more ok than you would if you kept trying to "fix" this. this really does suck...and the OC concept is a HUGE pill to swallow. it's one of the hardest parts to believe and wrap your head around.

we'll be here for you...always.


http://www.facebook.com/hardheadpress
http://www.amazon.com/Eli-Ely-Ezekiel-Tyrus/dp/0986042900/

http://hardheadpress.com/

life must be rich and full of loving--it's no good otherwise, no good at all, for anyone - j. kerouac


Posts: 3929 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: east coast
EvenKeel
Member
Member # 24210
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)

I might be mis-reading this so sorry if I am misunderstanding....

but you only know about OC now cause he was forced into a corner (wanting to get a mortgage and it would show up in his credit), right?

Was not like he came to you of his own conscious and desire to be fully transparent to R.

He KNEW you were going to find out....either sitting at the bank.....or by him hinting.

Hugs GF....stay strong!


When someone shows you their true colors, don't try to repaint them.

Posts: 1871 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Pa
1Faith
Member
Member # 38975
Default  Posted: 1:46 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)

Careerlady

Just be careful for you and your son. You know this already. You and your son deserve better than to be lied to.

Your h. has not been honest with your over the course of many things. Multiple affairs, not telling you about the child, etc.

Do what LOGIC tells you to do at this stage. You don't have to make a decision on R or D but protect yourself, your finances and your son for either outcome.

Channel your inner Mother Lion and do what is right to protect your family.

You husband has been extremley dishonest and disrespectfuly. Be an strong example to your son on the meaning of love, honor and integrity if your husband can or will not.

You are stronger than you think you are. Deep breaths. Keep moving.

Good luck. We are all here to support you.


If you're going through hell, keep going. - Winston Churchill

Posts: 835 | Registered: Apr 2013
redrock
Member
Member # 21538
Default  Posted: 3:22 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)

(((careerlady)))

I am so sorry for everything you have been through in the last few days. To go from finalizing paperwork on your dream home to finding an OC is one hell of a start to the rollercoaster ride.

It totally pisses me off that he had the nerve to talk about his devestation and then let you follow the crumbs to this heartbreak.

We are pulling for you and your son. FYI- I am pretty amazed with your sleuthing and ability to do what is necessary for you and the kiddo. I hope the lawyer can help you sort through your options.

It can not be stated enough... You and your son deserve better.

[This message edited by redrock at 3:22 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)]


I don't respect anyone that can't spell a word more than one way:)

Posts: 3122 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Michigan
birdy
Member
Member # 30937
Default  Posted: 10:18 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)

HUGS Careerlady :(

Posts: 126 | Registered: Jan 2011
careerlady
Member
Member # 16958
Default  Posted: 10:39 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)

Thanks ladies, I feel I am doing well. I'm going to see the lawyer tomorrow and I already have a lead on a job in southern California where my family is. The only issue is won't be able to leave my job till at least July when my lease is up. I could pay to extend the lease but my fear is that WH will NOT move out. Then what? Coexist for 2-3 months? But if I really get a southern cali job I could be moving in a few months anyway. I'd hate to move twice and upset DS's schedule and familiarity twice. What should I do?


Me (BS, 35); The Snake (WS, 36) 13yrs together; 1 baby boy (DOB 7/12)
Serial cheater-Multiple OWs, Multiple D-Days
Divorcing! Stupid in house separation though

Posts: 864 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Northern California
momentintime
Member
Member # 16394
Default  Posted: 2:43 AM, April 24th (Wednesday)

You live in California, right? Don't buy a house in your name alone unless you have some time of postnup. The house would be half his if you divorce. Protect yourself and your child. I see you are seeing a L, I hope he cautioned you about how vulnerable you are.


BS-me FWS - him
D-day 8/04
R'd

"Global editing disclaimer - I edit almost everything I post, and I am not going to post why every time."...re: Bionical girl


Posts: 2824 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: New York
Topic Posts: 42