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Just Found Out
User Topic: Found OW's Name
Phoenix1
Member
Member # 38928
Default  Posted: 1:49 AM, April 22nd (Monday)

Did some digging and found current OW's name and confirmed with address thru some cross checking. And he so thought he had his tracks covered! I am really fighting with myself to break NC and gloat that I know who she is, even her DOB. Her birthday is 3-30 and it makes me sick that he was there after I caught him on 3-28!! I SO want to rub the info in his face!! But I know I should probably just sit on the knowledge for now. Massive internal struggle!

It makes me so sad that I loved this person with every ounce of my being. I was in the M for life. Yet he doesn't seem to give a rat's ass. I KNOW this in my head. I KNOW in my head he is toxic. Yet I am angry at myself for constantly looking at my email in the hope that he will come crawling back and beg forgiveness and want our M to work. My head says it is a foolish dream, yet my heart keeps looking, almost obsessively, at my email. I am driving myself bonkers. I should be sleeping but I can't shut down. I am in a rage one minute and a depressed mess the next. Yes, the roller coaster extremes. I keep trying to stop dwelling on it, but I can't. It is consuming me. He is a complete shitbag, and even my kids currently feel that way about their father. Yet I keep waiting in vain for that email...

Sorry. I am having a really bad moment. I am putting on the strong front and pasting on the smile, but I am afraid of the future being alone after being with him my entire adult life. I know I can do it, but I just don't know if I want to. Wow, I sound really pathetic right now. And as for a suggestion to seek IC, not an option for financial reasons...

[This message edited by Phoenix1 at 3:04 AM, April 22nd (Monday)]


BS - Me
XPOS - too many OW/OCs over 20+yrs
Kids - DDs 22,17 -DS20 Deceased
M Dissolved 2013

This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet


Posts: 1086 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Rising out of Hell's ashes!
simplydevastated
Member
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 5:55 AM, April 22nd (Monday)

I'm so sorry you're hurting. I know how hard it is when you want it to work so bad, but your husband doesn't. It hurts. To me, it made me feel worthless and bit enough to fight for. I still have they days you're talking about.

You're strong, you'll get through this and emerge a much stronger version of yourself. We all will.

yes, the rollercoaster is a pain in the ass. I'm stuck in one of loops, ugh.

Try and focus on yourself and your kids. I know you said financial reasons hold you back from IC, but what about a hobby? Is there something you enjoy doing? That may help.

(((hugs)))


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day - listed in profile.)

Posts: 5854 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
daledge
Member
Member # 38886
Default  Posted: 7:42 AM, April 22nd (Monday)

If you don't have the money for counseling right now, start saving! And read, read, read.
Find a friend or family member to talk to. But do what you can , have a garage sale, something!to do this for YOU!

Posts: 106 | Registered: Apr 2013
Ashland13
Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 7:50 AM, April 22nd (Monday)

HI Phoenix1,

I know of what you speak and think. I live this every day and every night of my life. I know it sounds suicidal but is nothing I would act on, but I'm searching for reasons to face each new day that won't stop coming and looking for the good that's left in life among the rubble left behind by STBXH.

For an entire year of my life (2012) I fought a raging battle for my M and I too was a SAHM for the last 12 years. My heart and soul were M and him and DD and he knew it. I used to tell him how much pride I had in us and being M to him and being part of his life and family. I told him constantly.

I did not know that I was working against invisible demons and feel so angry that OW knew of me but I did not know of her or the real reasons for changes in his behavior.

I, too, struggle with the A but find I speak of it aloud less and less, because I get yelled at and lectured about how destructive it is for me to think.

All that said, I will offer some advice my counselor gave me for when it becomes consuming. This counselor has given me some of the first glimpses of validation since abandonment and first dday.

Her words are: "let it come. Your brain is seeking ways to process events and ideas that occurred without your knowledge. Know that you have this knowledge, your brain is in such shock and turmoil that it has to focus to an extent on the A."

She said further that there is nothing wrong with thought processing the A or people in it, it's how we behave or what we do when those thoughts and emotions come. I'm really glad you're questioning contacting your WH with what you know, because I think you may know deep down that it's not a good idea.

If I attempted to ask or discuss OW, STBXH got red-faced and like a kid having a fit. Even though it tortures me, I finally understand that it's actually me causing myself more damage when I contact him for any reason, but esp. that or about her.

I am searching for another place to channel those thoughts and that energy. One way I do that is to be on SI and try to give any advice I can to others who are in earlier stages than I am. If there are ways you can work on it without involving your WH in any way, my counselor said that's a really good thing. It allows yourself to have to process and deal with it, but the destructive parts are taken away by not contacting the actual people.

Journals for this don't help me right now but places like this do, or a person I can ask a question about it helps the very most. I only have two people in my life who don't lecture me and who will discuss it freely-a cousin and the counselor and they don't have anything to do with him. So one suggestion I would offer is to see if you can find a confidant.

I'm getting long but wanted to touch on the "being strong outwardly" comment. I find this impossible most days and have finally said to people, "I will get in touch with you on a stronger day". If I am too down, I put up some boundaries and that way save berrating myself for being lousy company. I also just tell our daughter when I am down and generically why, so she can know it wasn't her actions or words causing my melancholy. Especially because of her age-10.5-I don't hide my feelings because I want to figure out to be open with her when teen years come. Most adults we know aren't real with feelings with her and I think there is a way to be, so I do it simply.

STBXH grew up hiding his feelings and truest needs and finally burst wide open like a bean bag. I don't want that for DD or me but I know that it was his own choice to hide his needs from his wife and family. I was here waiting to work with him, while he was off spewing to OW and others.

Sorry for my long letter but to repeat, I do think you are wise to simply go about info. collecting and keep it for a day that will surely come when you can tell him what you know. For certain, I've felt that and in the heat of emotion have brought it up to Perv and been bitten, making it worse.

There's another little piece before I end that I've heard from local people who are BS also. They have discovered that oftentimes, showing something you know about an OW or OM says to the BS that you are interested in what they're doing and that fuels the ego more and there've been OW/OM who actually gloat behind the back of the BS. Then they toss it in their face in court or in front of friends or kids and it really gets ugly.

The high road is deserted, dry and long, but is a source of pride for me during a time when there are so few sources of that.

I too have worked every day and am detatching from the M. Perv I am no longer attracted to and find him disgusting because of his actions, but yes, the M was my life too. My sense of family is destroyed and so I am trying to focus on creating a new sense of family for DD and our baby to be. It's less draining but hard to hear the advice "focus on your children". It really does work but when our hearts and minds are disconnected is very hard to hear and then do.

There's also a good thread on SI about acceptance and once I have been able to do that, I can be calmer in my mind and heart. It's not to say happy, but other realizations are able to work their way into my head.

I wish you well and a glimpse of peace and sunshine in the rain.


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2229 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
27yearsnowlost
Member
Member # 38787
Default  Posted: 7:52 AM, April 22nd (Monday)

Sorry you are having a bad moment

I know the roller coaster ride suck...

You are strong... You will get threw this. Hang there.


Bw (me) 47
WH (him) 59
D day 3/7/2013
Married 26 together 28
2 adult sons 25 and 22

Posts: 167 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: nj
Phoenix1
Member
Member # 38928
Default  Posted: 9:32 PM, April 22nd (Monday)

Thanks everyone. I just really hate those dark places that I find myself in at times.


BS - Me
XPOS - too many OW/OCs over 20+yrs
Kids - DDs 22,17 -DS20 Deceased
M Dissolved 2013

This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet


Posts: 1086 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Rising out of Hell's ashes!
newlysingle
Member
Member # 38735
Default  Posted: 9:39 PM, April 22nd (Monday)

Can you go to counseling through your medical insurance? I can with mine and it's just an office copay.

If not, try googling a local divorce support group. I found one through meetup.com through me. I've gone two weeks in a row now and it has been so helpful. Many of us in the group have been cheated on, so there is a lot of advice/support and it's free.


BW - Me (37)
XWH - (37) The Gnat
OW - Some dumb whore he picked up in another state and moved here here. Known as Hello Kitty.
M for 8 years, together for 10
1 DD (5), 1 DS (1 year)
Dday 3/13
Divorced 9/20/13

Posts: 887 | Registered: Mar 2013
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 10:08 PM, April 22nd (Monday)

You won't be alone in the future, Phoenix1. You'll just be minus one person who treated you really badly.

Sending hugs and strength.

(((Phoenix1)))


It is better to be slapped with the truth than kissed with a lie. -Russian Proverb

Posts: 17268 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Titanium
Member
Member # 38866
Default  Posted: 4:54 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)

I hate the rollercoaster days too. I am sorry you going through this. Bloody hurts hey? I would suggest getting angry. Much better emotion than letting sadness bad depression flatten you. You will get stronger. Focus on the fact that he has lost out. YOU arecway to good for him. Have a dabble on some dating sites just so you can feel good about yourself again. Plenty of good honest gentlemen but there. Doesn't have to be serious but some loving attention may help you take that step forward and you can begin to heal and Beirut of this selfish narcasstic being. Remember to breathe. You deserve better. ((((Hugs to you))))


BS me 48
Him 45 NPD/SA fucktard
1 beautiful DS
M 20 yr T 24
DD#1 Jan 12
DD#2 Aug 12 LTA/PA with pond scum
Divorced....... :))
Shoot me down but I wont fall.
I am Titanium

Posts: 93 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Australia
Titanium
Member
Member # 38866
Default  Posted: 4:56 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)

I hate the rollercoaster days too. I am sorry you going through this. Bloody hurts hey? I would suggest getting angry. Much better emotion than letting sadness bad depression flatten you. You will get stronger. Focus on the fact that he has lost out. YOU are way to good for him. Have a dabble on some dating sites just so you can feel good about yourself again. Plenty of good honest gentlemen but there. Doesn't have to be serious but some loving attention may help you take that step forward and you can begin to heal and Be rid of this selfish narcasstic being. Remember to breathe. You deserve better. ((((Hugs to you))))


BS me 48
Him 45 NPD/SA fucktard
1 beautiful DS
M 20 yr T 24
DD#1 Jan 12
DD#2 Aug 12 LTA/PA with pond scum
Divorced....... :))
Shoot me down but I wont fall.
I am Titanium

Posts: 93 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Australia
Phoenix1
Member
Member # 38928
Default  Posted: 7:16 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)

newlysingle, good ideas, but no dice. Not available with insurance and because of rural location no local groups (I checked). SSSoooo, I get to go it alone for the most part. I've been burned by a "confidant" in the past as well, so I refrain from talking about any personal issues with just about anyone. If I thought I had trust issues before, this crap with POS has really sent it through the roof!


BS - Me
XPOS - too many OW/OCs over 20+yrs
Kids - DDs 22,17 -DS20 Deceased
M Dissolved 2013

This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet


Posts: 1086 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Rising out of Hell's ashes!
Topic Posts: 11