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User Topic: Always on the hurting end
stupidstupidme
Member
Member # 11888
Sad  Posted: 9:52 AM, April 22nd (Monday)

I seem to do well at picking up the gauntlet and getting tough when needed with everything else, yet cannot do it with relationships/romantic partners.

I've had so many people tell me I am the strongest person they know. I've been through a LOT in the last seven years, and I've come out ok, mostly because I've gotten tough and smart...

But with love... I'm such a failure. I've tried being with men who are very much like me... disaster. I've tried someone who was polar opposite... he walked the fuck out on me and my kids. I've tried giving people I would never have considered dating in the past a chance - disaster... I've tried to keep people at arms length to avoid being hurt... can't seem to do that very well.

This last person did a number on me. I don't even know how it happened... but now I'm really scared to ever open up to having feelings again. This pain doesn't seem worth it.


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19714 | Registered: Aug 2006
Newlease
Member
Member # 7767
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, April 22nd (Monday)

SSM

I'm so sorry you are hurting again. It sucks.

Gently, how long have you gone without some form of relationship with the opposite sex? I mean, no flirtations, no FWB, no FB, no internet conversations?

Maybe you just need a nice long break to concentrate on making your life wonderful without a man.

Sending strength and peace.

NL


Even if you can't control the world around you, you are still the master of your own soul.

Posts: 7676 | Registered: Aug 2005
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 12:55 PM, April 22nd (Monday)

((((ssm))))


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 25047 | Registered: Aug 2011
jo2love
Moderator
Member # 31528
Default  Posted: 6:14 PM, April 22nd (Monday)

(((stupidstupidme)))

Posts: 34709 | Registered: Mar 2011
ManBearDivorce
Member
Member # 36258
Default  Posted: 7:05 PM, April 22nd (Monday)

Yeah You sound just like a friend at work. She takes every guy she meets in because she desperately wants a BF because she feels so lonely, only to get hurt and used over and over. I tell her to stay away from the opposite sex until you can really feel good about yourself and loving yourself. She doesn't listen to me at all. Shame, she is such a great person. Sorry No 2x4 from me. Just one of my related stories.

Hugs and kisses coming your way.

[This message edited by ManBearDivorce at 7:07 PM, April 22nd (Monday)]


Posts: 339 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: St.Paul Minnesota
Amazonia
Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 7:38 PM, April 22nd (Monday)

SSM, somewhere inside you, there is a reason why you invest so deeply so quickly in men, despite being the strong, amazing woman you are. Honestly this cycle is going to continue until you figure out WHY you do this, and work through that root cause.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13690 | Registered: Jul 2011
stupidstupidme
Member
Member # 11888
Default  Posted: 9:11 AM, April 23rd (Tuesday)

This one was 7 months, so not sure that was quickly... maybe. I do know why, and I don't do it with every man I meet, but when I begin to care... yeah - I end up caring deeply. I do know why - but I really am not sure how to change that.


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19714 | Registered: Aug 2006
SoHappyNow
Member
Member # 8923
Default  Posted: 9:33 AM, April 23rd (Tuesday)

(((((ssm)))))

I know how awful it can be to know that we really need to change something about ourselves and to yet be stuck at the "just HOW do I do this?" point.


In the depths of winter I finally learned there was in me an invincible summer..Albert Camus
**Beloved hubby died at home 1/28/2013, age 61..** God sent me two good men in a row......and saved the best for last. Remarried 2/14/14, grief and joy....

Posts: 2287 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: USA
Betrayal
Member
Member # 9898
Default  Posted: 10:16 AM, April 23rd (Tuesday)

It's the time period from when you get hurt by someone, to the time you start chatting up other men is where the problem lies. A good year, on your own, no BS male friendships, no OLD profile, no nuthin, just do you. See what happens, you might get to a place where you aren't going to end up on "hurting end". HUgs


Me,38 BS
Divorced
Married
DS Born 9/6/10

Posts: 2220 | Registered: Feb 2006 | From: IL
stupidstupidme
Member
Member # 11888
Default  Posted: 10:47 AM, April 23rd (Tuesday)

It's the time period from when you get hurt by someone, to the time you start chatting up other men is where the problem lies.

?? I don't get this. That to me seems to be the GOOD time period - not the problem one. When I am finished with the hurt and have no feelings invested in anyone at all is when I am my best.

I'll be fine. I just seem to see traits in people that I like, so I give it a chance. When the bad comes along, or whatever it is that makes it not work - I ignore and latch on to the good that I saw. That right there, IMO, is where the problem lies. I need to learn that walking away is OK.


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19714 | Registered: Aug 2006
grace68
Member
Member # 28241
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)

My IC pointed out that I invest/attach the most in men who invest the least in me.

I placed higher value on them than I would someone who was really willing to open up to me.

It was a sign of the value I placed on myself in a romantic relationship.

I wouldn't have agreed with her except I took a step back and thought about the men I was attracted to.

Take some time without any male interaction except family. What is your role, or indentity, besides "mom"?

[This message edited by grace68 at 12:06 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)]


Me - BS
Him - Doesn't Matter
Status: Divorced

Posts: 109 | Registered: Apr 2010
veritas
Member
Member # 3525
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)

I'll be fine. I just seem to see traits in people that I like, so I give it a chance. When the bad comes along, or whatever it is that makes it not work - I ignore and latch on to the good that I saw. That right there, IMO, is where the problem lies. I need to learn that walking away is OK.

I think you've just become comfortable in being in a relationship by yourself. You're comfortable with driving the bus until the bus has 4 flat tires and a burnt out motor and you're left stranded in the desert with nothing but 3 Tic Tacs and a stick of gum. I think if you learned how to relate to others versus taking what you can "handle," that might be a better approach because then you weed out the people who only want to see what they can get from you. In trying not to be vulnerable, you end up being so.

[This message edited by veritas at 12:21 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)]


Actions unmask what words disguise.
Love many; trust few; and always paddle your own canoe.
When you win, you teach; when you lose, you learn.

Posts: 10168 | Registered: Feb 2004
changedforlife
Member
Member # 38474
Default  Posted: 1:04 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)

It's the time period from when you get hurt by someone, to the time you start chatting up other men is where the problem lies.

?? I don't get this. That to me seems to be the GOOD time period - not the problem one. When I am finished with the hurt and have no feelings invested in anyone at all is when I am my best.

I think what Betrayal was trying to say is that the time between relationships may be too short - not that that time alone was the problem.

I don't really have any advice but I love that you say you are at your best when you are on your own. That is huge.

Sorry that you were hurt again. ((ssm))


Me - BS/Him - WH (in our 40's)
Together 21 years/ 1 preschooler
D-day - Jan 24/13 He confessed about affair.
Broken NC -Feb 7-22,Feb 28,March 6
Continued Contact up to July 16
D-DAY 2-July 19 FALSE R!

Posts: 132 | Registered: Feb 2013
Amazonia
Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 1:47 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)

I just seem to see traits in people that I like, so I give it a chance. When the bad comes along, or whatever it is that makes it not work - I ignore and latch on to the good that I saw.

I would challenge you to keep drilling down on this. Keep asking "Why???" like you are your own proverbial obnoxious child who keeps repeating why.

You recognize what you do, now WHY do you ignore the bad stuff? Keep drilling down, keep asking why, until you hit on something that you can work with.

[This message edited by Amazonia at 1:52 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)]


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13690 | Registered: Jul 2011
idkam
Member
Member # 18375
Default  Posted: 1:57 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)

I' m Sorry SSM that really sucks.... If i were you in the next relationship i wouldnt let my guard down for at least a year.... It took me 9 mos to let my guard down with SO... Although he was good to me from the start i still held back... I try not to put too much stock into the relationship in the beginning and go with the flow....

You may want to give yourself a break from any type of relationship for right now....

(((SSM)))


People come into your life for a Reason, Season or a Lifetime..
Divorced

Posts: 1783 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Texas
stupidstupidme
Member
Member # 11888
Default  Posted: 3:02 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)

Oh I definitely have no desire to be in any type of involvement right now. Hell no.

Just read an article in Baggage Reclaim, thank to another member sending it to me. I think I've even read it before. It hit home. I cause myself this pain... and change is hard. Especially when each situation is different... it's hard to navigate others' real intentions vs. my own issues.


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19714 | Registered: Aug 2006
I.will.survive
Member
Member # 34677
Default  Posted: 6:47 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)

it's hard to navigate others' real intentions vs. my own issues.

Make sure you are falling for the REAL man and not just the POTENTIAL you see.

Believe what he shows you, not what you think he's capable of.

Maybe that will help cut off the too early attachment if you see clearly the reality of the man, not the potential you think he has??


Posts: 530 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: east coast
stupidstupidme
Member
Member # 11888
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)

Moment of weakness and I just have to write it out. I don't even want to tell my friends, and I'm sitting in my office upset.

I heard from him yesterday. This is an EUM (emotionally unavailable man) who knows I have feelings, but is selfish... ropes me back in when I get too far away.

His text was a small attempt to keep me engaged. I didn't reply for almost 24 hours, then it was eating at me. I basically told him that if he wants me in his life, make the effort. If it isn't worth it, consider me gone.

Why is it sometimes so hard to get away from these people? I know to look at his actions, and ignore his empty words... I know this... yet I still am hurting... fresh again right now.

Please no 2x4s - I don't have it in me today.


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19714 | Registered: Aug 2006
ajsmom
Member
Member # 17460
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)

What did the text say?

I didn't reply for almost 24 hours, then it was eating at me.

Why?

What was it about this particular message that was so different (Was it?) that it ate away at you?


AJ's MOM


Fidelity isn't a feeling...it's a choice.

"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now - always." - Albert Schweitzer
____________________________________________
Me: BW - Him: 200+ # tumor removed 7/09
DS - 31 - Yikes!


Posts: 21041 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Been Through Hell...On My Way Back
stupidstupidme
Member
Member # 11888
Default  Posted: 1:34 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)

It's a weird dynamic with us, so I don't really want to get too detailed, but basically it was that he doesn't want me going anywhere, and that instead of texting I should use my voice... and call.


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19714 | Registered: Aug 2006
ajsmom
Member
Member # 17460
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)

I wish you would have come here before you answered it for NC support.

Sounds like the same push/pull, P/A dynamic that keeps you spinning.

What's your plan now?


Fidelity isn't a feeling...it's a choice.

"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now - always." - Albert Schweitzer
____________________________________________
Me: BW - Him: 200+ # tumor removed 7/09
DS - 31 - Yikes!


Posts: 21041 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Been Through Hell...On My Way Back
Newlease
Member
Member # 7767
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)

SSM - you KNOW, with your mind not your emotions, that if he was really into you, you wouldn't have to ask him to put in the effort.

If he wanted you in his life, nothing would stop him from putting in the effort. You are worth it and you KNOW that.

NC, NC, NC!

NL


Even if you can't control the world around you, you are still the master of your own soul.

Posts: 7676 | Registered: Aug 2005
stupidstupidme
Member
Member # 11888
Default  Posted: 1:52 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)

Right. I never should have even replied to the "you're not going anywhere" text.

Back to NC... Over the last week and a half there has been barely any... when I get that time and gain perspective (head can win over the stupid idiot heart) I feel much better... then I always get pulled back in.

It's my fault. Not his. I let it happen. I still want something from him that I'm never going to get. Still hope for it. I realize it is never going to happen and I'm only prolonging my own pain.


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19714 | Registered: Aug 2006
stupidstupidme
Member
Member # 11888
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)

If he wanted you in his life, nothing would stop him from putting in the effort. You are worth it and you KNOW that.

I know both of these things. I do.


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19714 | Registered: Aug 2006
SouthernGal
Member
Member # 27315
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)

Can you block him on your phone?

What is it that you want from him? And why do you want it from him?

Is it, on some level, because you know you won't get it?

Next time you're tempted to contact him ... come here.

(((SSM)))


BS (Me) XWH (him) M nearly 16 yrs
1 DD (teens)
D-day #1 12/09, #2 2/10
Divorced 10/6/10

Posts: 3862 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: The Deep (Fried) South
stupidstupidme
Member
Member # 11888
Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)

I can block him on my phone, but only so he cannot call or text me. I haven't done it. I don't want to. I know I SHOULD, but I don't want to yet. *pathetic

I have asked him several times to block me... that way I can't text/call him. I am the weaker one... admittedly. His reply to my request was "never"

What I want from him was the type of relationship that he and I discussed when we met. It's complicated, but could work. Not something I want to really outline here.

Why from him - because I like the way he makes me laugh, the way he talks to me, the way he touches me , the way he is when he's "on". It's great. Basically, I've had from him exactly what I want, and I like it. It works. The problem is, it never lasts for very long... it's back and forth.

It may very well be on some level that it's because I can't have it. I really don't know... except that I have had what I want with/from him, and really love it... so I'm not really sure...


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19714 | Registered: Aug 2006
Amazonia
Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)

Something that I learned when I started dating again that I have kept with me is that no one is going to enforce your boundaries for you. If you want yourself cut off from communication with him, it's up to you to do that. It's not his job to do that for you.

Don't give so much of your power away.

[This message edited by Amazonia at 2:54 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)]


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13690 | Registered: Jul 2011
cryingdaily
Member
Member # 7276
Default  Posted: 3:02 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)


Me: BS 48
Him: Doesn't matter any more.
The Royal Court, formerly known as the Princess Posse:
DD31 - Belle
DD23 - Xena
GD10 - Jasmine
GD8 - Ariel
GD Born 9/4/12 - Tink
GS Born 6/23/2014 - Little Prince

Posts: 14398 | Registered: Jun 2005 | From: Massachusetts
SouthernGal
Member
Member # 27315
Default  Posted: 3:05 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)

SSM,

I think Ama is on to something.

Why are you so willing to hand over your person power to this guy? If this is the guy I'm thinking of, I remember the gist of the type of "relationship" you're talking about ... and I realize that handing over power is part of that dynamic.

But we're talking about your entire life here.

I said back then that it seems more like an addition than a relationship. I honestly think that your last post underscores that.

You have to decide what you want more. To stop being hurt (thus stopping contacting him) or to have this dysfunctional push/pull relationship.


BS (Me) XWH (him) M nearly 16 yrs
1 DD (teens)
D-day #1 12/09, #2 2/10
Divorced 10/6/10

Posts: 3862 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: The Deep (Fried) South
stupidstupidme
Member
Member # 11888
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)

Don't give so much of your power away

Ahhhhh yes... and you have no idea... lmao.

The weird thing is... I think he enjoys it. Fucking with me... keeping me hooked. He knows I have feelings for him - I've told him point blank. We don't want the same thing - even though I still want what I wanted initially - it's him that misled me in the beginning... yet he'll continue engaging with me... and repeating the cycle. WHY? Really? Like - if you know someone has feelings for you and you don't share them, stop playing games that hurt them, and leave them alone.

Yes - I KNOW I have the power to stop it... and that is what I really am trying to do... but it's hard because it's not what I want.

What I WANT is for him to do what he was doing two weeks ago, and stay steady that way. That's it. Stay the course. It was fun, nice, great... I know it wasn't only me that thought so... but it never lasts... never. I really don't know why... but I guess I don't have to. All I need to know is how it makes me feel, and that it isn't acceptable for me.


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19714 | Registered: Aug 2006
SouthernGal
Member
Member # 27315
Default  Posted: 3:16 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)

SSM,

I want you to go back and read your last two posts as though it was someone else who wrote them ... Let's say it was your daughter who wrote them. What would you think of the woman writing that?

The weird thing is... I think he enjoys it. Fucking with me... keeping me hooked.

Of course he likes it. To state the patently obvious, he wouldn't do it if he didn't like it.

In addition to that it goes along with everything you've written about this guy. He is all about the power trip. He has been from day one.

I'm not sure he misled you quite as much as you misled yourself.

You keep talking about what you want. Honey, it is a moot point. It doesn't matter what you want, because you're not ever going to get it.

It's rather like the old saying, "People in Hell want ice water. How does it feel to want?"

You're no more likely to get what you want from this situation than the people in Hell are to get ice water.

He isn't interested in giving you what you want. He is interested in the game. He is interested in control. He is interested in what he wants. What you want isn't even on the table for him.

This is a situation in which you either choose to play the game (by his rules) and be miserable or you walk away. Those are really your only two choices.


BS (Me) XWH (him) M nearly 16 yrs
1 DD (teens)
D-day #1 12/09, #2 2/10
Divorced 10/6/10

Posts: 3862 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: The Deep (Fried) South
stupidstupidme
Member
Member # 11888
Default  Posted: 3:17 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)

If this is the guy I'm thinking of, I remember the gist of the type of "relationship" you're talking about ... and I realize that handing over power is part of that dynamic

Yes... and this is where some of my confusion comes in. It is my first relationship like this (other than NY guy), and the mind fuck is incredible... very difficult to explain, and I'm not gonna even try.

They dynamic is part of what makes it so hard to disengage... if anyone knows - it's so much more mental than it is physical. This man is VERY very good at it, so over seven months it has taken it's toll.

I should probably talk on another forum about it, but I can't get on those at work... and I don't have a computer at home.

I don't expect you guys to totally understand, but I really really do appreciate you talking to me and trying to help. It is helping... keeping me occupied.

Basically, his idea of the dynamics of this relationship and mine... are similar in some ways (and that part works amazingly), and very different in others... me being "shelved" is what hurts me, and from what I know and have learned, it is unfortunately very common in a relationship like this.


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19714 | Registered: Aug 2006
Amazonia
Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 3:19 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)

The weird thing is... I think he enjoys it. Fucking with me... keeping me hooked.

Of course he likes it. To state the patently obvious, he wouldn't do it if he didn't like it.

From what you're saying here, it sounds like he likes the game more than he likes you. Real winner.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13690 | Registered: Jul 2011
Amazonia
Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)

me being "shelved" is what hurts me, and from what I know and have learned, it is unfortunately very common in a relationship like this.

Specific guy aside, why do you want a relationship that you acknowledge hurts you by it's very essence? I still think you need to drill down on the "Why" here.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13690 | Registered: Jul 2011
stupidstupidme
Member
Member # 11888
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)

SG: we were writing at the same time...

He isn't interested in giving you what you want. He is interested in the game. He is interested in control. He is interested in what he wants. What you want isn't even on the table for him.

This is a situation in which you either choose to play the game (by his rules) and be miserable or you walk away. Those are really your only two choices.

EXACTLY: all that is totally correct. I just need to get stronger and remember when he comes back giving me what I want (and he will) that it is fleeting, and I always end up feeling like this in the end - and NOT do it.



Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19714 | Registered: Aug 2006
SouthernGal
Member
Member # 27315
Default  Posted: 3:21 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)

I do get the draw and appeal.

The problem is that you're not enjoying this. Yes, you enjoy a part of it. But the final analysis has a net negative effect on you and your emotions.

In the end you're hurting and you're not happy.

This particular relationship is not healthy for you. What you need to figure out is what is your investment in trying to hold on to something that is hurting you.


ETA:

I know someone who is in this type of relationship. The push/pull and being "shelved" is indeed common. The thing is that it really works for her. She is contented and comfortable. The push/pull and all that goes with it does not hurt her and cause her angst.

I think that you should perhaps consider that you aren't really cut out for this type of relationship.

From the outside it is rather like watching Cinderella's step-sisters cutting off parts of their feet to try to fit into the glass slipper.

They, like you, were trying too hard to make something that doesn't fit, fit.

I cannot help but think that if this was really the right fit for you, you wouldn't be this unhappy.

I've another friend who tried to be in a polyamorous relationship. She loved both of the people she was involved with, but sharing didn't work for her. She thought she could do it. Parts of the relationship were fulfilling for her, but other parts hurt. The pain outweighed the happiness in the end.

I think you need to look at your bottom line. You said you're hurting. That should never be the goal of any relationship.

[This message edited by SouthernGal at 3:28 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)]


BS (Me) XWH (him) M nearly 16 yrs
1 DD (teens)
D-day #1 12/09, #2 2/10
Divorced 10/6/10

Posts: 3862 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: The Deep (Fried) South
stupidstupidme
Member
Member # 11888
Default  Posted: 3:33 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)

I know why... because at the times I am getting what I need/want, it is mind blowingly amazing, and fills a very important need in me. We are extremely compatible in ways that are VERY hard to find... and on top of that there are other traits in him that I would look for in a partner. We are attracted to each other's intellect, the physical attraction is there, and as far as the other part - we match perfectly. That is very rare - as he told me months ago.

I guess I go back each time for two reasons...

1. I've had a taste of how great it can be, and I want it. Very badly.

2. I am very afraid that I won't find that kind of compatibility again... or not for a very long time.

I'm babbling here trying to keep my thoughts making sense - but in the end the bottom line is that he doesn't have the same feelings for me that I have. He doesn't want or need the relationship to be the way I want/need it to be.


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19714 | Registered: Aug 2006
SouthernGal
Member
Member # 27315
Default  Posted: 3:37 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)

I'm really sorry, SSM.

It sucks to be in that type of situation. I'm pretty sure we've all be there at one time or another.

Just keep focusing on the fact that he doesn't want or need what you want, thus he will always be incapable of filling those needs and wants for you.

You'll always be chasing your tail on this ... and you deserve a whole hell of a lot better than that.


BS (Me) XWH (him) M nearly 16 yrs
1 DD (teens)
D-day #1 12/09, #2 2/10
Divorced 10/6/10

Posts: 3862 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: The Deep (Fried) South
stupidstupidme
Member
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Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)

Well since I'm spilling so much anyway - in some sick way I think I must be attracted to the push/pull. I think sometimes I even create it...

It hurts me, yes... and I hate it... I do. I do not like feeling like this... but I also seem to be drawn to it. If I weren't, I'd just block his number and not look back.

There are very specific things he does that hurt me. For instance, if he asks me for something, and I do it... then I get no response - no feedback... no nothing. In this type of relationship, it's praise... I need that, and I get it sometimes... but when I don't - it hurts a LOT.

It is basic... you do something giving to please someone, and they don't acknowledge it... it's hurtful. In this dynamic - it's hurtful times 10, because that is a lot of what it's based on... and why I am even in it.

Am I making sense??


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19714 | Registered: Aug 2006
Amazonia
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Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 3:51 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)

I do not like feeling like this... but I also seem to be drawn to it

This is the "why" I was asking about. It's obvious you're drawn to it or you wouldn't keep going back - the "good" side isn't enough.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13690 | Registered: Jul 2011
stupidstupidme
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Default  Posted: 3:55 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)

There are a few specific needs, outside of me being a mom, friend, and HR manager... and he did the work to make sure that I became dependent on him for them. Of course... it's what they do. He got what he wanted. I am. Very much so.

To me; it's serious, and I'm invested. We fit our roles well, and it worked on me... not sure how else to word that.

To him, it's natural and great... it is who he is - I'm sure of that... but it isn't something he's overly serious about... it fills a need in him too - but on a different level than me. That's where the problem lies.

ETA: also, that he's selfish. He gets his needs met... but in return mine aren't of any importance. That's the part that doesn't work for me. Not really the push/pull... as Ama just said and me too - I think I need that part.

[This message edited by stupidstupidme at 3:59 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)]


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19714 | Registered: Aug 2006
SouthernGal
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Default  Posted: 4:04 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)

but it isn't something he's overly serious about

I see it differently. I see the ego stroke he gets out of this situation (both the "winning" of the game and the fact that no matter how badly it hurts you, you keep coming back for more) is vital to him. I think he needs that nearly as much as he needs oxygen and food.


BS (Me) XWH (him) M nearly 16 yrs
1 DD (teens)
D-day #1 12/09, #2 2/10
Divorced 10/6/10

Posts: 3862 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: The Deep (Fried) South
stupidstupidme
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Default  Posted: 4:23 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)

whoa... ok... let me digest that a minute, because all this time I've thought differently.

When we first met, he was the one that pursued this with me - heavily. He said he recognized how rare it was to find, I knew he finds me very physically attractive, and I don't want a conventional relationship from him. (don't wanna meet his friends or family, don't need him to spend money on me, etc...)

He was WAY more enthusiastic than I was... his age, and honestly... I wasn't physically attracted to him at all at first.

Anyway, of course that all changed... he definitely groomed me to be right where he wants me - and he has that. Yesterday, that text said "you're going nowhere. I own you"

He's right. He does. I WANT him to. Yes, I like giving the power away - this is the only part of my life that I can... and I love it. I've never experienced anything like this, and damn... I need it. He knows this. He knows that I am dependent on him for the attention, praise... all of my needs in this area of my life.

He has exactly what he wants... and honestly - to keep it - the effort he'd have to make is so small - just some tweaks to make this work for me... yet he won't do it. That baffles me... and yes - kills my self esteem - why in the world would he give up this great thing he has, when all he has to do is make a the little effort I ask...

And it really is small - reply to my texts. Comment when I sent you a pic that you've asked me for. Say something NICE. When you ask me to write you something specific and I do - don't say "you can do better" then disappear for days without any contact.

All that... above - I think is what works for him... and it doesn't matter to him that it doesn't work for me. Maybe I'm NOT cut out for this, or the way he views it anyway. In my eyes, I'm still supposed to feel important and valued... and I don't. I need to.


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19714 | Registered: Aug 2006
stupidstupidme
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Default  Posted: 4:28 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)

SG: I keep re-reading your last post. Maybe that's why he will say "Fine I'm not fucking with you anymore - you want blocked - you got it"

But then a minute later, he'll come back and go into some long explanation, and put me in my place, and never do it. He will definitely let me hurt, and get upset, and walk... but never too far.

BUT... every time this cycles - it gets worse. Meaning, the communication gets thinned out more each time - so it FEELS to me like he's losing interest. The more I try to push for the way it was in the beginning, the less I get.


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19714 | Registered: Aug 2006
SouthernGal
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Default  Posted: 4:43 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)

He has exactly what he wants... and honestly - to keep it - the effort he'd have to make is so small - just some tweaks to make this work for me... yet he won't do it. That baffles me... and yes - kills my self esteem - why in the world would he give up this great thing he has, when all he has to do is make a the little effort I ask...

SSM, you answered this already, you just don't realize it. He doesn't HAVE to change. Because you said it yourself - he "owns" you.

In all likelihood, he's right. You're not going anywhere. You'll put up a token struggle. You'll fight against doing it his way, playing by his rules, for a while. And eventually you'll stop fighting it.

You've said. He's groomed you. He's still grooming you.

And eventually you're going to get so used to this that you'll start to think that the pain you're feeling was your idea and that you want it this way.

And it really is small - reply to my texts. Comment when I sent you a pic that you've asked me for. Say something NICE. When you ask me to write you something specific and I do - don't say "you can do better" then disappear for days without any contact.

In a typical relationship it is a small thing. In this relationship, in this type of relationship, that would be a huge thing.

The problem here, SSM, is that he knows how to play this game. He's a pro. You're not even a minor league player, you're still playing little league. He knows what he's doing and for what y'all are doing ... he's playing his game exactly right.

The problem is that you're still thinking you can blend this with a typical relationship ... like some sort of relationship buffet. A little pain, a little pleasure, a little control, and a side dish of normal sauce. It doesn't work like that. He knows it, and that's why he isn't giving you what you want. If he gives you want you want he looses the control, the upper hand ... it counters all of the hard work he's put in to making you feel that he owns you and that you want him to.

All that... above - I think is what works for him... and it doesn't matter to him that it doesn't work for me.

I'd be willing to guess that it does matter to him, in so far as your doubts and your insecurities in this make you a less-than-ideal playmate. At this point he's probably still engaging because he realizes you're new to this and he's still grooming you.

If you continue in the vein of this not working for you, eventually he'll cut you loose and find someone better suited.

The more I try to push for the way it was in the beginning, the less I get.

This! This is what I am talking about. You're pushing for something. Your protest has gone beyond the token that is acceptable to him. The more you push the more he is going to lose interest because you're not responding the way you're supposed to.

Maybe I'm NOT cut out for this, or the way he views it anyway. In my eyes, I'm still supposed to feel important and valued... and I don't. I need to.

Look, I'm not advocating this relationship style (in fact it is absolutely not for me and the idea of anyone "owning" me makes me shudder) but here's the thing. You probably are important and valued. But you're expecting him to show it like a typical guy in a typical relationship would.

You're NOT in a typical relationship with a typical guy.

Don't kid yourself. He is getting very deep seeded needs met here, too. If he wasn't, he wouldn't do it.

But you keep expecting his actions to be what you expect, based on your experience with a wholly different type of guy.

I still get the sense from you that you're trying to be something you're not. I don't get the vibe from what you write that you're really 100% sold on this. I get that you want to be, but you're not.

Why force something that isn't right?

I mean I get the sexual kicks part ... But there are ways to fill those needs without consistently being emotionally damaged by someone you care about.

[This message edited by SouthernGal at 4:45 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)]


BS (Me) XWH (him) M nearly 16 yrs
1 DD (teens)
D-day #1 12/09, #2 2/10
Divorced 10/6/10

Posts: 3862 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: The Deep (Fried) South
stupidstupidme
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Default  Posted: 7:56 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)

Thanks. I agree with everything you said. It is all so confusing, and sometimes I think I can totally handle it, then I can't. I wonder if I am just too sensitive, or if I am doing something wrong.

I think you are exactly right in that I am trying to blend a mix together... I don't even really know what I want at this point, but I feel much better after working through some of it. At least for now... hahaha


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19714 | Registered: Aug 2006
Williesmom
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Default  Posted: 6:55 AM, April 25th (Thursday)

SSM, I see a lot of drama in your posts and your life, even in your past life.

I can understand that, because you definately get something from that drama. It's quite exciting when there is pursuit.

But it also has a very steep downside that can be very painful.

Don't participate in this drama. Just walk away from it - it's mucht healthier, IMHO to realize that you deserve better than playing the part that someone else is trying to get you to play.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7557 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
stupidstupidme
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Default  Posted: 8:40 AM, April 25th (Thursday)

haha oh my, and here I thought my life was becoming so peaceful and drama free lately!

I get what you're saying, but honestly I only really post here when it is something big - or dramatic. Mostly my life is pretty damn boring these days, some of what's gotten me down... I really have nuthin going on... but this... and *this* is bothering me, yes... but it's only a small part of the big picture of my life. Some days I spend too much brain time on it, but not usually.

I'm feeling a little more grounded today, and I really want to thank SG - SO VERY MUCH for taking the time to talk me through some of my confusion. Also, to everyone else that has been trying to help.

I haven't heard from him, and I am keeping busy and trying to focus on other things. I had a great night with my Bunt last night, and slept pretty much through the night (hard for me lately, not cause of this... just always)

This was all navigating new territory for me, and who knows... I'm still very confused about what I want, what I can handle, and what really works for me. I'm sure I'll eventually figure it all out. Of course I have in my mind the perfect scenario of a relationship that works, but that's a needle in a haystack.


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19714 | Registered: Aug 2006
TrulyReconciled
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Default  Posted: 8:59 AM, April 25th (Thursday)

"I get what you're saying, but ..."

Just a reminder, SSM, that this is how you often respond to folks here.

"I hear you but ..."

I'm trying to say this gently because you definitely deserve to be in a great relationship.

'Drama' is created when a lot of stuff is stirred up - either in posting or in real life - yet there is no resolution.

I submit that in order to get to where you want to be you need to think about nothing less than changing your way of thinking and getting rid of some of the 'buts.'

it is who he is - I'm sure of that... but

He gets his needs met... but in return mine

He will definitely let me hurt, and get upset, and walk... but never too far

I'm not picking on you semantically, by the way, this can become a way of life.


"In a time of deceit, telling the Truth is a revolutionary act."

Posts: 21040 | Registered: Dec 2003 | From: Hell and back, way back :o)
hexed
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Default  Posted: 9:07 AM, April 25th (Thursday)

((SSM))

Have you explored this relationship with IC? It might help you break this cycle with him if you could really dig in to why it works for you.

I'm glad you recognized that you're not getting your needs met but I do worry you're going to forget about that b/c of the 'high' the good parts of this relationship give you.


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


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Amazonia
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Default  Posted: 9:07 AM, April 25th (Thursday)

Of course I have in my mind the perfect scenario of a relationship that works, but that's a needle in a haystack.

I guess what I never understand about posts like these are why anyone would rather settle for some half ass relationship that doesn't meet their needs instead of holding out for that needle in the haystack. I guess my perspective is that I'd rather be alone that with the wrong person - BTDT if you know what I mean.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

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stupidstupidme
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Default  Posted: 9:08 AM, April 25th (Thursday)

I hear you, but...

I guess I don't know what you mean by that, TR. What I'm trying to do is understand what everyone is saying, without being defensive, as I know I've been in the past.

The thing is, I can possibly post every single thing that has happened with this person... every single word that was said... every action. When I respond to what is said on here, I have the knowledge in my brain of all the rest of the information, and the details. Trust me - I do this inside my head too... I think of each thing, analyze it, go through the "buts" even with myself on a continuous basis.


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19714 | Registered: Aug 2006
stupidstupidme
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Default  Posted: 9:13 AM, April 25th (Thursday)

Hexed: I do often forget. Well, no... I don't forget... I get beyond it, then I *think* I am fine, and can handle it now, then get drawn back into the high. Not forget - just convince myself it won't happen again. ETA: not that he won't do it again - but that when he does, I won't care or will be ok with it.

Ama: I guess I think that my perfect scenario is most likely never gonna happen, and you're right - sometimes I agree with your statement - fuck it... I'd rather be alone than to be feeling like this and in the wrong thing... then when I'm feeling great, I waffle - and I think "well, nothing is perfect, and maybe having the good and taking the bad with it is better than nothing"... I go back and forth.

[This message edited by stupidstupidme at 9:13 AM, April 25th (Thursday)]


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19714 | Registered: Aug 2006
hexed
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Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, April 25th (Thursday)

SSM - honey you know I think you're assume but you're also an addict. You are addicted to this high you get when things are perfect. Nothing is absolutely perfect. Unfortunately the sum total of this relationship isn't even close. You deserve a lot more than you're getting but he's got you hooked. You need 90 days of sobriety from this guy to start with


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8439 | Registered: Apr 2008
stupidstupidme
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Default  Posted: 9:26 AM, April 25th (Thursday)

Yep - agreed


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19714 | Registered: Aug 2006
hexed
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Default  Posted: 9:33 AM, April 25th (Thursday)

by the way that was meant to be "awesome" not assume...uggh autocorrect.


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8439 | Registered: Apr 2008
stupidstupidme
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Default  Posted: 9:45 AM, April 25th (Thursday)

I got it

That definitely adds to my confusion about what I want and what is right for me. At times when I'm feeling fine and strong, I'm like "oh yeah... fuck this... I got this" and I go with it...

Then we get together - that is the downfall for me - always. Talking and texting is one thing, but it keeps that dynamic at... a more distant level. When we are together (and it is NOT about sex), it is very powerful. From the moment he walks in the door to the moment he leaves, and it does something to me. Exactly what it's meant to in this type of situation/relationship. Of COURSE it's going to effect me. After that is the time I am most vulnerable, and it's also the time he is most distant.

RIGHT THERE is where the problems begin... then escalate to this... where I am today.


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19714 | Registered: Aug 2006
stupidstupidme
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Default  Posted: 11:25 AM, April 25th (Thursday)

Silence. I know that I should be happy about that... break the cycle. But I'm not there yet.

I don't think I'll hear from him again. Again, should be relieved, but I'm not.

Sitting in this office with nothing to do but think doesn't help either...


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

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ajsmom
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Default  Posted: 11:27 AM, April 25th (Thursday)

You can massage this (no pun intended) six ways from Sunday and at the end of the day, this guy is bad news.

Hot stove kind of bad news.

Major manipulator kind of bad news.

Physical and emotional USER kind of bad news.

Get your mind elsewhere.

It's N.F.L. Draft Day - who are you hopin' your birds get?


Fidelity isn't a feeling...it's a choice.

"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now - always." - Albert Schweitzer
____________________________________________
Me: BW - Him: 200+ # tumor removed 7/09
DS - 31 - Yikes!


Posts: 21041 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Been Through Hell...On My Way Back
stupidstupidme
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Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, April 25th (Thursday)

I don't even know... I haven't been paying attention since they dismantled my team Now I am paying attention to the other birds (Orioles) Namely, Chris Davis (swoon)

Thanks... I know he's bad news... and young, and selfish and stupid. Although I wouldn't trade the experience for the world, I wish I had never even given him a chance seven months ago... I KNEW not to deal with that type of guy.


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

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ajsmom
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Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, April 25th (Thursday)

dismantled

Read: "Rebuilding"

Love the O's...all the way back to the Brooks Robinson days.

Had the biggest crush on Doug DeCinces.

Yes, I am dating myself.


Fidelity isn't a feeling...it's a choice.

"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now - always." - Albert Schweitzer
____________________________________________
Me: BW - Him: 200+ # tumor removed 7/09
DS - 31 - Yikes!


Posts: 21041 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Been Through Hell...On My Way Back
stupidstupidme
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Default  Posted: 12:01 PM, April 25th (Thursday)

We shall see... obviously, I'm no Ozzie, so hopefully he knows what he's doing

I just don't like change! Wanted my team to stay EXACTLY the same.

I am enjoying Jacoby on DWTS though! Love him


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19714 | Registered: Aug 2006
stupidstupidme
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Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, April 25th (Thursday)

I'm about to start crying again... it just creeps up on me.

Maybe I need to go outside and take a little walk. I kinda want to throw this phone through the wall.


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19714 | Registered: Aug 2006
ajsmom
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Default  Posted: 12:07 PM, April 25th (Thursday)

Maybe I need to go outside and take a little walk.

Yup.

Get your arse out there.


Fidelity isn't a feeling...it's a choice.

"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now - always." - Albert Schweitzer
____________________________________________
Me: BW - Him: 200+ # tumor removed 7/09
DS - 31 - Yikes!


Posts: 21041 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Been Through Hell...On My Way Back
stupidstupidme
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Default  Posted: 12:12 PM, April 25th (Thursday)

I forsee a bad weekend ahead. It is supposed to be nice here, and I am definitely a sun lover/worshipper. I need to maybe go get a book and sit outside and read... or SOMETHING. Bunt leaves to go with his dad for 5 days starting tomorrow morning.

HE... has his daughter. Until Sunday. That doesn't always mean silence, but chances are, if I don't hear from him before Sunday - that will be when. I always think I've heard the last of him, but when I've been able to keep the NC, I will hear from him within 48 hours. Last week, he was quiet for four days, but I was texting...

I think if I can get from now to Sunday - I will be ok. God, I'm really pathetic...


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19714 | Registered: Aug 2006
ajsmom
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Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, April 25th (Thursday)

Not pathetic. Normal.

STOP labeling yourself!

One Day At A Time.

You can do this!


Fidelity isn't a feeling...it's a choice.

"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now - always." - Albert Schweitzer
____________________________________________
Me: BW - Him: 200+ # tumor removed 7/09
DS - 31 - Yikes!


Posts: 21041 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Been Through Hell...On My Way Back
TrulyReconciled
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Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, April 25th (Thursday)

You know we love you, right??

But ...


"In a time of deceit, telling the Truth is a revolutionary act."

Posts: 21040 | Registered: Dec 2003 | From: Hell and back, way back :o)
stupidstupidme
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Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, April 25th (Thursday)

Thanks... those last two posts were very kind of both of you... don't make me cry again!!!

I went out and took a nice little walk with my pup. Back in office now, and it's the countdown to the end of the workday for me, then I will go get my boy and re-try our grilling out and baseball evening... last night was an epic fail - dog ate the ground beef and kid clocked himself in the nose throwing the ball up in the air while waiting for me to get outside. We ended up with spaghetti O's and a swollen, bloody nose. and wine. Mommy had wine - then Duck Dynasty

I know this is a little typical, but I know his schedule. He works 2-10:30. Now that it's past 2:00 - I am no longer even *hoping* for contact.

I also deleted everything out of my phone--- again. Unfortunately I have his number memorized... but not being able to go in and re-read everything helps keep it out of my mind too.


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19714 | Registered: Aug 2006
ajsmom
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Member # 17460
Default  Posted: 1:20 PM, April 25th (Thursday)

Snorts:

Dog eating meat.

Duck Dynasty.


Poor Bunt's widdle nose.


Baby steps on the deletion.

Don't worry. You've got your village behind you.


Fidelity isn't a feeling...it's a choice.

"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now - always." - Albert Schweitzer
____________________________________________
Me: BW - Him: 200+ # tumor removed 7/09
DS - 31 - Yikes!


Posts: 21041 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Been Through Hell...On My Way Back
stupidstupidme
Member
Member # 11888
Default  Posted: 1:44 PM, April 25th (Thursday)

Thanks. Ya know what just baffles me about myself... and I think I said this in my very first post...

I don't get how I can be so strong about other areas in my life and get through tough things, like boom... methodically. Then when it comes to this, I turn into this weak ass person. Frustrating.


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19714 | Registered: Aug 2006
FaithFool
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Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 1:57 PM, April 25th (Thursday)

This guy is your Kryptonite. That's why....


DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 17340 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
stupidstupidme
Member
Member # 11888
Default  Posted: 2:30 PM, April 25th (Thursday)

Kryptonite... crack (addiction)

Wonder what I am to him (really in his mind)


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19714 | Registered: Aug 2006
Amazonia
Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 2:41 PM, April 25th (Thursday)

You're probably nothing to him. A toy. A distraction.

Seriously, that's the whole point of the dom-sub relationship - you don't matter to him. The relationship dynamic is what he gets off on, not you.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13690 | Registered: Jul 2011
Crescita
Member
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 2:56 PM, April 25th (Thursday)

Like - if you know someone has feelings for you and you don't share them, stop playing games that hurt them, and leave them alone.

Well you know how he feels, yet you keep hurting yourself.

Yes, I like giving the power away - this is the only part of my life that I can... and I love it. I've never experienced anything like this, and damn... I need it. He knows this. He knows that I am dependent on him for the attention, praise... all of my needs in this area of my life.

Why can’t let go of the control in the other areas? Why does he have to be the one and only to fill these needs?

Mostly my life is pretty damn boring these days, some of what's gotten me down... I really have nuthin going on... but this... and *this* is bothering me, yes... but it's only a small part of the big picture of my life.

It seems this is the area that needs the attention. You are compartmentalizing everything, neglecting one area and expecting to get your needs met in another. You need balance. You need to spread it out. One person or situation can’t fill all your expectations. Would you only have one friend? One hobby? Would you expect one food to meet all your nutritional needs?

It is draining to be 100% responsible for your lot in life all the time. I get that. But if you let up a bit everywhere, you will feel a lot better than if you let up completely in just one thing. Find a way to relinquish control at work, assign one task to someone else. Let your son pick your outfit once a week. Roll the dice on what you will eat for dinner. Add some healthy, harmless drama and spontaneity to your life. You feel better providing service, pleasing, and being thanked? Volunteer. Break the needs up, the core issue, not just the sexual thrill, and spread it out. Find ways to fulfill yourself that can’t be taken away in an instant.


Posts: 3343 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
ladies_first
Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 12:42 PM, April 26th (Friday)

Meaning, the communication gets thinned out more each time - so it FEELS to me like he's losing interest. The more I try to push for the way it was in the beginning, the less I get.

His text was a small attempt to keep me engaged.

all he has to do is make a the little effort I ask... And it really is small - reply to my texts. Comment when I sent you a pic that you've asked me for.

Take away the texting, and virtually nothing is left...

I can block him on my phone, but only so he cannot call or text me. I haven't done it. I don't want to. I know I SHOULD, but I don't want to yet.

Block his texts.

Get real. Engage in real give-and-take relationships.

You need 90 days of sobriety from this guy to start with.

Can you detox from your phone for 90 days, SSM?


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
Abby
Member
Member # 5526
Default  Posted: 6:42 PM, April 27th (Saturday)

How are you doing today, SSM? Been thinking about you!

Posts: 582 | Registered: Oct 2004
positively4thst
Member
Member # 23998
Default  Posted: 9:18 PM, April 28th (Sunday)

SSM,

I haven't read all the responses but I did read the first page. I have not followed your story since after EH left you. I do remember lots of members upset that you were seeking to jump into another relationship too quickly and that it seemed to be your M.O. I remember you justifying and denying "just friends" and now here you are again and don't understand how you got here. I'm sorry, I feel this sounds mean, but I don't mean it that way. I just want you to see what other people are seeing.

It sounds like you have so much to offer but I'm not sure you see that so you compulsively force yourself into another relationship and then are confused when it doesn't work out.

These Cat Stevens lyrics come to mind:

"It's not time to make a change,
Just relax, take it easy.
You're still young, that's your fault,
There's so much you have to know.
Find a [girl/boy], settle down,
If you want you can marry.
Look at me, I am old, but I'm happy.

I was once like you are now, and I know that it's not easy,
To be calm when you've found something going on.
But take your time, think a lot,
Why, think of everything you've got.
For you will still be here tomorrow, but your dreams may not."


Posts: 1246 | Registered: May 2009
stupidstupidme
Member
Member # 11888
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, April 29th (Monday)

I love Cat Stevens

To update... I heard from him. I also replied. Nothing major and very sporadic all weekend. I didn't think much about him, didn't worry about my phone or checking for contact... and when it came Saturday, it was late. My roommate and I had a cookout/party, and I drank - so I *thought* I was being snarky and funny. I was but he pushed to come over, and I ignored and went to bed.

Yesterday, same thing... didn't hear from him all day and didn't care. In fact, I figured I would and hoped I wouldn't. I did about 7:00, and he wanted to come over later. I said no. He didn't like that at all. He tried again later, and I ignored.

Proud of myself for that. Still hurting a little bit, but it's winding down. There's zero effort to give me what I need, so fuck it.

Yes, I realize I could block or keep total NC, and this is like dying a slow and painful death. I know that. I'm just doing this the way I need to, though.


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19714 | Registered: Aug 2006
stupidstupidme
Member
Member # 11888
Default  Posted: 8:48 AM, April 30th (Tuesday)

Success another day

and... I've had that Cat Stevens song in my head for the last 24 hours.


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19714 | Registered: Aug 2006
stupidstupidme
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Default  Posted: 10:04 AM, May 1st (Wednesday)

Success again! I'm staying away, and the further I get, the better I feel. That's gotta tell me something, right?? Still communication, but I'm not heavily effected by it, and he's tried to see me the last four nights - I've said no each time.


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19714 | Registered: Aug 2006
Abby
Member
Member # 5526
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, May 1st (Wednesday)

Glad to hear you are doing better, SSM!

I'm going through an NC period with an ex-bf. I messed up today and contacted. We even made plans for next week. I know this isn't a good idea though. I know I'll have to back out and start all over again. Argh!

WTG, for saying NO!


Posts: 582 | Registered: Oct 2004
stupidstupidme
Member
Member # 11888
Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, May 2nd (Thursday)

Thanks. very very little contact yesterday. I sent one text, got one from him. I'm not bothered or upset at all, and that's the important part - just keeping ME fine.


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19714 | Registered: Aug 2006
Amazonia
Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 9:00 AM, May 2nd (Thursday)

Hang onto this. I suspect his next tactic (read: manipulation) will be silence.

Can you hold onto yourself and stay NC, stay ambivalent?

Sending you strength and mojo.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13690 | Registered: Jul 2011
stupidstupidme
Member
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Default  Posted: 9:46 AM, May 2nd (Thursday)

He definitely has used the silence before... and when I am silent for too long, he will turn it back "on". I expect that to happen when the weekend begins.


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19714 | Registered: Aug 2006
Amazonia
Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, May 2nd (Thursday)

IME, knowing the pattern and being able to recognize that it's just that - a pattern (and manipulative) really helps.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13690 | Registered: Jul 2011
stupidstupidme
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Default  Posted: 10:15 AM, May 2nd (Thursday)

Right - but unfortunately in this situation the silence is a "dom" typical thing - ignoring is punishment. I am well aware of it, hate it, and it works... (usually, which is why he does it).

The silence from him is usually when I'm running off at the mouth, though... not when I am silent.

Also - don't forget earlier in this thread we established that I'm drawn to the push/pull...

BUT - I feel flat. That is what helps. No emotions.


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19714 | Registered: Aug 2006
Undefinabl3
Member
Member # 36883
Default  Posted: 10:30 AM, May 2nd (Thursday)

I have been reading the story, and DH was a Dom for many years. We have never heavily gotten into it, but from what I have learned and experienced, he's not being a very good Dom at all.

Personally, I think his abuse of power over you has crossed the boundaries into emotional abuse and as a dom his role is to protect the situation from getting out of hand and to control the boundaries. The sub is supposed to trust that the dom knows what he is doing and to trust that they will not be hurt in the process.

Your guy is failing at this, and if this lifestyle has peeked your interest, and you enjoy this...I am here to tell you that there are many other dom's out there that would not be playing this petty game. He's using you alright, but for his own gain - and that is not want that lifestyle is all about.

eta: spelling errors

[This message edited by Undefinabl3 at 10:31 AM, May 2nd (Thursday)]


Me: 31 MH
Him: 37 MH
New online find 6/19/14 - shit

Posts: 1717 | Registered: Sep 2012
Amazonia
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Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 10:51 AM, May 2nd (Thursday)

Whether or not you're drawn to it, you have an option of how you respond.

[This message edited by Amazonia at 12:35 PM, May 2nd (Thursday)]


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13690 | Registered: Jul 2011
stupidstupidme
Member
Member # 11888
Default  Posted: 12:44 PM, May 2nd (Thursday)

Und: yeah, I know that. That is why I can't just accept the situation. I know it's wrong, and wrong for me, not how it's sup to be, and not what I want - or how we even agreed it would be.


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19714 | Registered: Aug 2006
stupidstupidme
Member
Member # 11888
Default  Posted: 12:47 PM, May 3rd (Friday)

Thought I was beyond him getting me to tears. I was wrong. Two minutes though, and I'll chalk it up to PMS. Strict NC from here on out. Prob gonna be a difficult weekend, because I have no concrete plans, BUT... good weather and I have my Bunt this weekend. Luckily, I've been feeling really good overall, so I'm hoping this won't be too much of a setback.


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19714 | Registered: Aug 2006
Undefinabl3
Member
Member # 36883
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, May 3rd (Friday)

Strict NC from here on out.

I wanna 2x4 you, but I can't. I know its hard to quit a person, and to have that kind of a relationship is even harder (imo)

You really really do need to block his contact from you. As much as it hurts, its really for the best.

He is not the only fish in the sea, and really there are plenty of good ones out there. Dont let him be the litmus test for you.


Me: 31 MH
Him: 37 MH
New online find 6/19/14 - shit

Posts: 1717 | Registered: Sep 2012
stupidstupidme
Member
Member # 11888
Default  Posted: 1:07 PM, May 3rd (Friday)

to have that kind of a relationship is even harder

Thanks for understanding this... and I know I should.


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19714 | Registered: Aug 2006
stupidstupidme
Member
Member # 11888
Default  Posted: 6:18 PM, May 3rd (Friday)


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19714 | Registered: Aug 2006
Oh the Irony
Member
Member # 12354
Default  Posted: 7:03 PM, May 3rd (Friday)

I'm so sorry sweetie. I know it's hard.

One thing that helped me was when I realized that someone was very deliberately pushing my buttons. And then realized that I was setting boundaries and letting him cross them left and right.

Which ultimately becomes a self-betrayal.

It sounds like you have some impulse control issues as well--which I also sympathize with. I actually got tested for ADHD and by medical standards I meet those qualifications. So thinking about your impulses and difficulty managing them can also put it in some perspective.

That all said, what got me out was the dude showing up on my front porch when my kids were home. Scared the shit out of me and made it easy to totally disengage.

Also, EMDR on some of this issues relating to it helped a lot.

Sending you much love. I know it's hard. You CAN do it. It's normal for it to take some time. You will get to a point where you have no choice.


Two gorgeous boys, 14 and 8.
D-day Sept. 15, 2006.
Me, BS 43
Him, WS 50
Her, OG (Guess she is 27 or 28 now! 19-21 at the time...)
Separated. Divorcing. Happily working on myself.

Posts: 735 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: thankful for truth
stupidstupidme
Member
Member # 11888
Default  Posted: 7:12 PM, May 3rd (Friday)

Thanks. Today is just a very slight setback. Luckily nowhere near where I was. I guess it's just somewhat of a lonely feeling.


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19714 | Registered: Aug 2006
Abby
Member
Member # 5526
Default  Posted: 12:04 AM, May 4th (Saturday)

Hang in there SSM!

I had a big set-back today canceling the plans my ex-bf had for next week. Sometimes I think I must like to tortured myself.

It really hurts but when I think about WHO he REALLY is (liar, cheater, opportunistic, etc), I realize I am so much better without him.

I understand those lonely feelings - I am dealing with that too, right now. Maybe he was just a really bad habit though, and it's better to be alone.

Thinking about you, SSM!


Posts: 582 | Registered: Oct 2004
UnexpectedSong
Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 8:53 AM, May 4th (Saturday)

Have you read studies about intermittent rewards? People get addicted to that process much, much more than if you get the reward every time.

You are essentially a gambling addict. You know the house is stacked against you, but you blind yourself into believing that the next roll, the next pull, will be the jackpot. And when you do get something small back, after 18 tries, you tell yourself that it will stay that way, that because you won once in 18 tries, you will win the next one.

The only way to get over this is to suffer through the withdrawal. There are no shortcuts.

But you don't want to. You love this. You feel alive. Waiting for the next text makes you feel alive. Suffering to wait 24 hours until you respond - and you know you will respond - makes you feel alive. The adrenaline when you do respond makes you feel alive.

You love every aspect of this. That is why you stay.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6092 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
stupidstupidme
Member
Member # 11888
Default  Posted: 10:02 AM, May 4th (Saturday)

Blocked after nasty message this morning. Shed tears for one minute, now he gets not one more second of my precious energy. I said fuck you asshole, and done. Blocked.


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19714 | Registered: Aug 2006
Amazonia
Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 10:52 AM, May 4th (Saturday)

Good job.

Even as a sub, there's a difference between your Dom respecting you or not - you deserve someone who respects you.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13690 | Registered: Jul 2011
ladies_first
Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, May 4th (Saturday)

Blocked after nasty message this morning.

You can block a man BEFORE things get nasty. You deserve better!


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
Betrayal
Member
Member # 9898
Default  Posted: 7:14 PM, May 5th (Sunday)

now he gets not one more second of my precious energy. I said fuck you asshole, and done. Blocked.

Amen. Now STICK to it, HONOR yourself.


Me,38 BS
Divorced
Married
DS Born 9/6/10

Posts: 2220 | Registered: Feb 2006 | From: IL
stupidstupidme
Member
Member # 11888
Default  Posted: 7:35 PM, May 5th (Sunday)

I am very close to my cousins. One of them lives in lower Manhattan. Me and my Bunt took a spontaneous weekend road trip to NYC. Perfect weather, amazing family, Bunt's first time to the big city, and fun fun fun... it was perfect, and just what I needed. I just got home and I feel happy, refreshed and relaxed.

Thank you all so much for being patient and continuing to help and be supportive. Tomorrow I'll post some great pics of my trip.


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19714 | Registered: Aug 2006
Abby
Member
Member # 5526
Default  Posted: 6:07 AM, May 6th (Monday)

WTG, SSM! That is just great! I am so proud of you!!! Keep it up - you are inspiring me!

Abby


Posts: 582 | Registered: Oct 2004
stupidstupidme
Member
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Default  Posted: 8:42 AM, May 6th (Monday)

Well my peace was very short lived It doesn't have anything to do with this guy... but bad.


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19714 | Registered: Aug 2006
stupidstupidme
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Default  Posted: 8:58 AM, May 6th (Monday)

Here's a couple pics from the trip


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19714 | Registered: Aug 2006
NaiveAgain
Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 12:23 PM, May 6th (Monday)

Aawwww, SSM, your kids are SO adorable!

I am getting to this subject late, but reading through some of this just hurts. You know we have some relationship tendencies in common. I understand the thrill and the need of a push/pull.....it IS the intermittent reward that keeps us in it, it is the fact that sometimes we get what we need and when we do, it is amazing, and we are willing to settle for a little bit of something great than take a chance on nothing at all.....and we both feel we have some different needs that an ordinary regular type of relationship just can't fulfill. We need the adrenaline rush, the thrills, the roller coaster ups and downs.... I totally get all that.

My XSO was the last guy I dated that I allowed myself that type of relationship with. He was damaged, I was damaged, our damage complimented each other in a unique type of hurting relationship....and you know what? For some of us, we don't feel normal unless we are hurting somewhat. We are so used to it that it makes it very difficult to be in anything that doesn't have that thrill and excitement of the unknown....and of course with that comes the possibility of pain....

I am not sure what changed me, but over time, as I realized that it was FOO issues that made me seek out emotionally distant men, and the fact that I was tired of getting hurt, and the fact that instead of seeing my XSO as the incredibly sexy and hot guy that I used to think (and it makes it more difficult when so many other women reaffirm that he is hot) but now I see him as a good-looking grown up child that is emotionally stunted and probably always will be. And I guess I am tired of relationships with guys that cannot give me what I need.

I'm in a new one now (after taking a year hiatus) and it is so different from any of the others. This guy is stable, he is here for me, he LIKES to talk about emotional issues and keep the air between us clear, and although most women are not going to think he is the hottest thing since Johnny Depp, I have never seen a sexier guy in my life. As in, we are a twice a day couple (you don't have to fore-go the excitement in the bedroom for stability...you can have both.....

I look back now at what I was settling for with the XSO and would be really sad except for the fact that it makes me appreciate what I have now so much more. There is still plenty of excitement and adrenaline in this relationship. He isn't perfect. But the dynamics are different.

It is scary getting into a real, grown up type of relationship that may actually work. There is some safety going into a relationship that you know is doomed from the start. And every once in a while I want to run but I don't. We are talking things thru like mature adults. This is so much better......I hope you can get at what is keeping you tied down to the ones that bring you pain. ((((hugs))))


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15193 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
stupidstupidme
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Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, May 6th (Monday)

Thanks. The one in the middle is my Bunt, and the other two are my cousin's kids. My other two are 20 and almost 17!!

we don't feel normal unless we are hurting somewhat

YES

Today isn't a good day. When I get off work, I have something really bad I have to deal with. I was so peaceful and relaxed and content last night, and then this...

Not having anything to do with this guy, and total NC still in place. I am not even missing HIM and the drama, but in having to deal with this other shit, the feeling of being alone is all too real.


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19714 | Registered: Aug 2006
stupidstupidme
Member
Member # 11888
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, May 9th (Thursday)

Well, the "fuck you asshole" part has worn off. Of course. Wish the damn anger could last longer, but it never does.

The last few days have been really rough ones. Now that the drama of that has dissipated (sp?) somewhat, I'm thinking about him today. Crap. I also have NOTHING to do at work, so I'm free to look around on this computer... shouldn't be doing it, but already did a little.

Just like my other situation with my daughter, I know this is the right thing, and the healthy thing - but it doesn't feel good right now... and even harder cause of the other stuff going on. I don't even so much miss him emotionally anymore (like don't feel heartbroken), but more of this is when I need my distraction - the rush of good feeling. I miss it, especially right now.


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19714 | Registered: Aug 2006
ajsmom
Member
Member # 17460
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, May 9th (Thursday)

He's an EMPTY WELL, ssm.

Don't dip into the empty well. It will only exasperate things already spinning for you.


Fidelity isn't a feeling...it's a choice.

"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now - always." - Albert Schweitzer
____________________________________________
Me: BW - Him: 200+ # tumor removed 7/09
DS - 31 - Yikes!


Posts: 21041 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Been Through Hell...On My Way Back
stupidstupidme
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Default  Posted: 11:41 AM, May 9th (Thursday)

I'm not... trying not to. That's why I posted on this thread. Better to do this than to scroll the computer missing something I never had in the first place, and is something I shouldn't even want.


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19714 | Registered: Aug 2006
stupidstupidme
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Member # 11888
Default  Posted: 9:06 AM, May 10th (Friday)

He's still on my mind way too much. It's making me very frustrated.


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19714 | Registered: Aug 2006
Topic Posts: 111