Just Found Out
User Topic: It's been 2 weeks...
New Member
Member # 39064
Concerned  Posted: 7:42 PM, April 22nd (Monday)

I almost feel stupid posting after seeing that so many of you have it so much harder than I. Anyway, I hope your strength and wisdom can help me too. I am almost 24 years old, I am very successful and have worked very hard to get where I am. My bf is not at the same place I am career wise which never bothered long as he treated me like a queen. We had an amazing relationship for some time and then things went south. He stopped wanting to have sex with me he was distant and started making me feel unwanted. I thought it would be a good idea for us to get away...maybe we would rekindle our was a good time but it did not solve anything. Here I am now...2 weeks after he called me and said "I have to tell you something, the other day I received a sexual favor from someone else" I obviously have gone back and forth about how I should feel...He says he loves me and wants to make it up to me. Now he wants to marry me. I love him so much I want to give him a chance to make this up to me...but at the same time I dont. I am so conflicted because I know I deserve better. I know I am not stuck with him. I don't know if I should settle for that or move on..even though my heart does not want to. I would love some insight. Any insight at all.

D day: April 7 2013

Posts: 11 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Boston
Member # 38398
Default  Posted: 7:53 PM, April 22nd (Monday)

Sorry you find yourself here. Infidelity sucks, no matter the age or the stage of life.

Take some time reading here on SI. My insight: him wanting to marry you is not a healthy response to his cheating. I wish I would have known about my husband's cheating before we were married (he has cheated off and on throughout our entire relationship). I wouldn't have married him...and now we have two beautiful kids, a home, much to lose.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Me: BS, 40 yrs
Him: WS, 41 yrs (4 PA over 14 yrs, 2 ONS, 2 current PA of 3 months and 2 yrs)
Two small children
Married 17 years
D-day: 1/26/13

Posts: 108 | Registered: Feb 2013
Member # 38518
Default  Posted: 8:04 PM, April 22nd (Monday)


So sorry you had to come here, but know that you are in good company.

Your story is an all too familiar one. You are stable, emotionally developed, and have your shit together. Yet, you are partnered up with someone who is very clearly dysfunctional and who doesn't respect you or treat you the way you need to be treated (like a "queen", you said).

My #1 bit of advice would be this: absolutely do NOT marry him. At least now, and not for a long time. If he is truly serious about you and about your relationship, he will work on his issues and give you time (years!) to reconcile with him. Otherwise, he is just playing games by wanting to marry you after totally violating you, betraying you, and traumatizing you. That is the absolute LAST thing that should even been on your mind.

It's fortunate (for you), that you aren't married to him, have children, etc., as it makes cutting ties with this guy MUCH easier.

That being said, whatever choice you make, know that you can always come here to vent/ask for advice/process/etc. Sadly, we've all "been there", and can relate in one way or another.

ME: 33 BH
HER: 32 WW
Married: 8 years
Children: Yes
DDay #1: 02/22/2006 (ONS)
DDay #2: 09/23/2012 (EA/PA)
DDay #3: 12/07/2012 (EA/PA)
DDay #4: 01/03/2013 (EA/PA)
DDay #5: 01/24/2013 (EA/PA)
TT until 04/07/2013
100% NC: 04/18/2013

Posts: 190 | Registered: Feb 2013
New Member
Member # 39046
Default  Posted: 9:00 PM, April 22nd (Monday)

I am struggling with day 5 here and the only wisdom I can share is look inside yourself and find out what you really want. I had to ask myself was it my husband that I wanted or do I just not want to have to start over. Think I am leaning toward the idea of him is actually what I love, not him. Dont sell yourself short. Get out of life what you truly want.


Posts: 26 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Nebraska
Member # 26894
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)

come here and read. work through these feelings. i think over time you will find yourself able to think more clearly, act more rationally and make good decisions that won't be as painful as they seem like they would be now.

you've found the most wonderful place of all the places you never wanted to be. the folks here care so much, it's so genuine. on that note, i think pretty much every mid- to old-timer on these boards is going to tell you the same thing -


it's not because we are jaded. it's because we have almost 40,000 different experiences documented by people who have come here. among these almost 40,000 stories, the resounding actions, themes and outcomes are frightfully similar. there is a way to get through this with a mate or spouse...but only after it tears you both to the bones and forces you to piece yourselves back together, shred by painful shred.

read on in here. read the R forum. ask questions there. see if you think your BF has anything like what it takes to be a reformed and honorable man.

my guess is you are dodging a selfish man-child. my guess is you will see it more clearly one day...relatively soon. sometimes the hardest part of this is truly seeing them for who they are, simply because it's embarrassing to have been so blind. it is and has been embarrassing for me and many others here.


welcome...stay until you find your answers, even if it takes a while, even if you don't like them all.

[This message edited by stretch13 at 1:29 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)]

life must be rich and full of loving--it's no good otherwise, no good at all, for anyone - j. kerouac

Posts: 3929 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: east coast
Member # 33867
Default  Posted: 8:00 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)

I will make this very short: dump him, you DO deserve better.
This is exactly the advice I would give my own 20ish adult children.

ME: 54 BS
HIM: 61 WH
Married: 28 years
D'Day: 10/29/10
in R 4 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.

The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.

Posts: 2124 | Registered: Nov 2011
Member # 30877
Default  Posted: 8:06 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday) fast and as quickly as you can. You deserve much better.

D-Day 10/28/10..almost admission 7/10 Reconciled. I was the betrayed

Posts: 1203 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: arizona
Member # 38681
Default  Posted: 8:23 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)

It might be the case he was feeling insecure/lesser due to your success and went for external validation of his self worth. Well, that maybe the case after marriage as well.
As you read and read on this wonderful forum, you'll see that your feelings for him right now are not that of pure love, but, of getting something you might be losing to some other woman.
Once he comes back to you you'll keep wondering whether it'll happen again in future and that'll keep you occupied which might impact your work/schedule/career etc.

Like the others said, you deserve much better.

BH 33
FWW 32
DS: 3 year old.
Dday 10/14/2012
No remorse so:
Divorced 02/15/2013. No alimony, no CS, got apartment. Won all battles and mind games off the courts.

Posts: 294 | Registered: Mar 2013
Member # 38135
Default  Posted: 8:24 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)

Please, please, please don't start a marriage with a cheater.

You deserve better. Go find better. Don't settle!

((( )))

♪I'm not fine; I'm in pain
It's harder every day ~ Maroon 5♫

BS:45 WH:47 needhelp123
8yr EA&PA w/MCOW emp/frmr emp
19y M * 25y T, 2 teens
DDay 12/31/12*5w TT
Sick tired sad

Posts: 273 | Registered: Jan 2013
Member # 37439
Default  Posted: 2:03 AM, April 24th (Wednesday)

I recommend against getting married. Ofcourse you can stay together and try and work through this. But it is often a 2-5 year process.

My advice is start the 180 and see how you fare with it, empower yourself. Don't make any decisions right now.

OW1 inadvertently let me know WH loves English breakfast tea. Never ever saw him drink it. And I never will.

Posts: 818 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Australia
Member # 26894
Default  Posted: 7:14 AM, April 24th (Wednesday)

don't start a marriage with a dark cloud, a bag of doubts and a bundle of pain.

marriage is hard enough. it's highs are awesome, and the purity of the connection you build at the beginning is what feeds strength to your M in life's less elegant moments. the bond of "impenetrable us" is really what makes Ms last and be happy.

you are way too young to sign up for this kind of grinding work. it can be worth it when you have many years invested, kids, a lifetime of memories...if you marry him now (or in the next, say, 3 years), all of your newlywed years will be tainted. and he will not magically change himself. please know that.

i hope you are doing ok today. check in with us if you can. it's ok if you aren't ready to decide anything. just breathe for now.

life must be rich and full of loving--it's no good otherwise, no good at all, for anyone - j. kerouac

Posts: 3929 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: east coast
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 7:42 AM, April 24th (Wednesday)

I agree with what the others said, you deserve better. But wanted to add that the way he phrased it:

"I have to tell you something, the other day I received a sexual favor from someone else"

really bothers me. Sounds like he got a gift in the mail and didn't know what it was 'til he opened it... (minimizing) And "the other day" doesn't jive with the period of detachment you sensed before. If you should end up leaning toward R, I'd get details right up front. Was the "someone else" male or female? How did it come about?

"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4157 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
New Member
Member # 39064
Default  Posted: 10:07 AM, April 24th (Wednesday)

Thank you all for your wonderful heart felt advice. To clarify a few things...he did not say "the other day" he told me Sunday it had happened Friday. Also, sexual favor was my nice way of saying he received oral sex from another girl. One day I wake up feeling like YEAH SCREW HIM .. He just taught me to be stronger for the next guy hell regret this... But the next second i want to believe the beautiful things he says and does. We work together which normally I would not involve myself but he seemed overly mature and I thought a break up in the future would be civil. I'm sure people here have noticed that things aren't right. I don't want anyone to know yet.. I don't know how I feel. I wouldn't ever consider marriage right now. I think that was his way of saying.. Hey now that I've been somewhere else I know I just wanna be with you. It's all confusing and definitely something I never thought I would have to go through. I know he does not deserve a second chance.. We had so many problems before.. I think he was trying to bring me down to where he felt.. He has made some changes these past 2 weeks but I still don't know if I can handle being in a relationship where I have to wonder if hell do it again. I just want this to go away.

D day: April 7 2013

Posts: 11 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Boston
Member # 36072
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, April 24th (Wednesday)

He has made some changes these past 2 weeks but I still don't know if I can handle being in a relationship where I have to wonder if hell do it again. I just want this to go away.

I want you to understand that I am not trying to minimize the hurt you feel right now. Infidelity sucks no matter where you are in life or in your relationship.

My advice to you is get out while you can!!! You don't have kids (I'm assuming), you have a good career, you're 24. You have your whole life in front of you!

Please, please, please get out now. I was married at 21 to an immature ass and he didn't grow up until he was 27.

Do you really want to spend the rest of your life wondering when this is going to happen again? Always questioning, always paranoid?

It hurts, and it's going to hurt for awhile. But just be grateful that you found out who he really is now.

Me: BS
D-Day: 7/7/12

Trust is like paper. Once it's crumpled it can never be perfect again.

Posts: 1179 | Registered: Jul 2012
Member # 26894
Default  Posted: 2:40 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)

if you were one of the nieces i have that are about your age and i thought you might get sucked in trying to fix this with this guy, that you might marry him even, i would get on a plane tomorrow to see you in person and try my damndest to stop plead with you, eye-to-eye, loving heart to loving heart...i'd weep if i had to.

you are too young. that's the bottom line. it's too hard to start this way.

life must be rich and full of loving--it's no good otherwise, no good at all, for anyone - j. kerouac

Posts: 3929 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: east coast
Member # 38975
Default  Posted: 2:56 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)

He needs a wake up call. He won't change his ways unless he has to.

Do not feel obligated to make any decision right now.

Tell him you need your space and make him truly reflect on what it is he did and make himself figure out WHY he did it.

It is not a passe thing to cheat. It is a concious decision. If it is brushed off like it is no big deal then guess what? It will be no big deal and he will most likely be tempted again at some point.

Read the 180. Make plans without him this weekend and clear your head.

Again you don't have to make any decision right now other than allowing yourself time to figure out what is right for you.

Remember - people can change but they have to WANT to - sorry doesn't fix this one.

Don't settle. You deserve more out of life and love.

Good luck.

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1219 | Registered: Apr 2013
Topic Posts: 16