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User Topic: Counsellor's route
Sienna500
Member
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 8:06 AM, April 23rd (Tuesday)

So, in my third IC session I've been given a load of stuff on PTSD and in the next session she wants to specifically 'explore' emotional numbing.

I honestly can't see that this is going to help anyone and what has that got to do with me betraying my husband? I don't know, it just seems a bit far-fetched to me.

I'm not emotinally numb. In an argument yes I might zone out but that's because I'm not confrontational. I do feel things and I do empathise.

I know i need to do this because I want all this healed ASAP but I don't want to waste time on rubbish.

[This message edited by Sienna500 at 8:15 AM, April 23rd (Tuesday)]


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
BaxtersBFF
Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 8:48 AM, April 23rd (Tuesday)

Are you able to identify how you feel about things?

I sat through many IC sessions and "felt" that I was in ti uch with my own emotions, but whenever I was asked how something made me feel, I couldn't identify what it was that I felt. Sort of like I could feel thnigs about and for others, but I couldn't feel it for myself. I still struggle with this.

When you zone during arguments, you are internalizing the fear that is lpart of the reason you don't like confrontation. Fear is at the root of so many problems. I would take a chance at this route.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6097 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
KeepCalm_CarryOn
Member
Member # 33374
Default  Posted: 9:00 AM, April 23rd (Tuesday)

Do you only identify with the "surface" emotions? That's what my FWH did. He could say he was sad or mad or happy but nothing deeper than that. Never hurt or vulnerable or excited. He could tell if I was mad or sad, but again, nothing deeper than that and not always the real reasons behind the emotions. It's helped us a lot.

Also, just a quick note, please be careful with this thinking....

I want all this healed ASAP but I don't want to waste time on rubbish.

This isn't a fast process. It takes a lot of time and sometimes that does mean going down a different path.


You are not dealing with rational people or situations. Normal thought processes won't work...story of my life.

Me- BW, 28
Him- fWh, 34
Mostly R'd, minus a few scars...bought a house and got a puppy...And baby makes 3! She arrived August


Posts: 1989 | Registered: Sep 2011
Sienna500
Member
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 9:01 AM, April 23rd (Tuesday)

I'm not trying to be awkward but I don't think I have PTSD and I don't think I'm emotionally numb. My friends will often ask me advice or come in for a hug. I'm affectionate, I don't wake up in the night with cold sweats.

I don't see the point in reacting to shouting or arguing. I don't feel scared, I just don't see the point. They always turn into rhetorical questions anyway.

I don't know what she means by 'how do you feel'- how are you supposed to articulate a feeling? When she asks I just say 'happy', 'sad' etc. I'm unsure of the right answer to be honest.


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
Sienna500
Member
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 9:21 AM, April 23rd (Tuesday)

KeepCalm, I don't know I'm just not very deep I guess. I feel like I'm going along blindly, the more I read about PTSD the more I don't think I have it.


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
KeepCalm_CarryOn
Member
Member # 33374
Default  Posted: 9:47 AM, April 23rd (Tuesday)

I don't know much about PTSD, so I can't really comment on that.

But as for the surface emotions, it's very much what my FWH did/used. He never really got to the heart of things so nothing ever got solved. Sad is a good "starter" emotion, but as our MC would say, what's behind that? Fear? Vulnerability? Always keep digging.


You are not dealing with rational people or situations. Normal thought processes won't work...story of my life.

Me- BW, 28
Him- fWh, 34
Mostly R'd, minus a few scars...bought a house and got a puppy...And baby makes 3! She arrived August


Posts: 1989 | Registered: Sep 2011
Sienna500
Member
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 9:59 AM, April 23rd (Tuesday)

I doubt I'd ever be able to answer that. I don't even understand to be truthful... She tried that and we didn't get anywhere.

What if that's just it, just 'sad' and nothing else?


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
KeepCalm_CarryOn
Member
Member # 33374
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, April 23rd (Tuesday)

Keep digging. It's why you're in IC. It's part of the healing. But you also have to be open and receptive to there being more.


You are not dealing with rational people or situations. Normal thought processes won't work...story of my life.

Me- BW, 28
Him- fWh, 34
Mostly R'd, minus a few scars...bought a house and got a puppy...And baby makes 3! She arrived August


Posts: 1989 | Registered: Sep 2011
veritas
Member
Member # 3525
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, April 23rd (Tuesday)

I don't see the point in reacting to shouting or arguing.

Why did you bring this up specifically? Is this the only time you freeze? And when did you learn that responding to shouting and arguing got you nowhere?


Actions unmask what words disguise.
Love many; trust few; and always paddle your own canoe.
When you win, you teach; when you lose, you learn.

Posts: 10168 | Registered: Feb 2004
Sienna500
Member
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 10:50 AM, April 23rd (Tuesday)

Veritas, I think because it's the only time I'll zone out. If a conversation gets tricky I know I drift away and nod along because I don't want the hassle of conflict or I freeze because I can't think what to say or get nervous of the answer.

I don't know, it doesn't feel like it's something learned as such.


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
badchoice
Member
Member # 35566
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, April 23rd (Tuesday)

Keep digging. It's why you're in IC. It's part of the healing. But you also have to be open and receptive to there being more.

I agree with this. You have to dig, and explore. When I started IC I wanted to fix things quickly, find all the answers, I went in with list to go over thinking if I just laid all my questions out, IC could answer them.

It's a process, and takes time. the way to the bottom, for me at least, has been a winding road.

Have you told your IC that you don't think you suffer from PTSD? Do you feel safe enough to speak up in IC?

If a conversation gets tricky I know I drift away and nod along because I don't want the hassle of conflict or I freeze because I can't think what to say or get nervous of the answer.

I think exploring this in IC is a great start.


Me: fWH/BH 46

Separated transitioning to D


Posts: 725 | Registered: May 2012 | From: L.A.
MissesJai
Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, April 23rd (Tuesday)

I don't know, it doesn't feel like it's something learned as such.
Conflict avoidance is a learned behavior. It came from somewhere. Keep digging.


FWW - 40
I'm big on personal responsibility. Own your shit. ALL OF IT.

Posts: 5769 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
Sienna500
Member
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, April 23rd (Tuesday)

Yes I told her I don't think I have it and she said thats OK, it will do no harm exploring. I'm not going to drudge up the past if that's what she's thinking. This is what puts me off in the first place, I'd rather she looked at what's happening now.


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
badchoice
Member
Member # 35566
Default  Posted: 11:27 AM, April 23rd (Tuesday)

I'm not going to drudge up the past if that's what she's thinking.

and

This is what puts me off in the first place, I'd rather she looked at what's happening now.

are related though. My IC put it this way. If we don't look at our past and figure out the route causes of why we act the way we do now, we are destined to repeat the behaviors (or something like that).

IMO, it is important to look at the past, not to blame anyone else, or to try to avoid responsibility, but to understand ourselves.

What is happening now did not happen in a vacuum. It was formed by choices and things that happened in our past. things that formed our unhealthy coping skills that allow to do the things we do in the present.

Does that make sense?


Me: fWH/BH 46

Separated transitioning to D


Posts: 725 | Registered: May 2012 | From: L.A.
MissesJai
Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, April 23rd (Tuesday)

badchoice is correct. Sienna, why don't you want to revisit the past? I'm not saying you need to live there, but when doing this kind of work, a lengthy visit is required.


FWW - 40
I'm big on personal responsibility. Own your shit. ALL OF IT.

Posts: 5769 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
tired girl
Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 12:06 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)

Sienna,

I was just like you. I had walked into ever counselor's office and told them I wanted to work on things, but we weren't not going to discuss my past. And so we didn't. My last IC I said the same thing. I was with her a year before we started dealing with my childhood. I had to get to that level of trust before I could deal with it. Turned out that my past had a very real bearing on my present and my present was not getting any better until dealing with what had happened in my past.

You don't have to deal with your past, no one can make you. But your present won't get better. You can't understand what you are doing now without understanding yourself, what has happened to you, what has formed some of these roadblocks. You put them there, and only you can take them down. You need to understand the reasons you put them up in the first place. I know that sounds very upsetting to you. So don't look at doing it right now, just take it one session at a time.

[This message edited by tired girl at 12:07 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)]


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 4533 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
FR2012
Member
Member # 36345
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)

I'm not going to drudge up the past

You know when I first went into counselling, I thought the same way. I didn't want to talk about anything that went on in the past. I didn't want to think about it.

There are a lot of bad things that happened to me when I was a kid. I was raped. Something like that will fuck with your mind and how your grow up.

But you need to talk about the past. You can't just talk about what is going on now. You need to address what has happened in past events to better understand how you have grown up. To better understand how you think.

Honestly, you don't want to talk about anything that has happened to you in the past because you don't want to think about the bad things. You want to just think about the now. But you can't.

It is going to be something that is extremely hard to do, but you have to do it.


BH (him): 28 ~ FWW (me): 27
Together 9 years
2 kids
D-Day: April 19, 2012

Posts: 167 | Registered: Aug 2012
Sienna500
Member
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)

Thank you for your advice.

I don't think bringing up my past will help. I'm so sorry FR2012, nothing has happened to me though.

I can't help but think how much I swallowed down, it took way too much effort to just bring it back up. Nothing happened to me, I just saw a couple of upsetting things. I was fine, i swallowed it and I don't mind glossing over but counsellors don't realise that I have nothing more to say on it. People make too much of a big deal about it.

Even my Mum says it could be a can of worms- i have 2 kids and 1 on the way, it would be the last thing we all needed.

[This message edited by Sienna500 at 12:32 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)]


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
veritas
Member
Member # 3525
Default  Posted: 12:35 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)

People make too much of a big deal about it.

Even my Mum says it could be a can of worms

That's very contradictory.


Actions unmask what words disguise.
Love many; trust few; and always paddle your own canoe.
When you win, you teach; when you lose, you learn.

Posts: 10168 | Registered: Feb 2004
Sienna500
Member
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)

I'm sorry veritas,

I went through a couple of very upsetting events and I decided to be strong, possibly a bit too strong admittedly. I didn't grieve properly, I'm not a counsellor but I can see that. I don't think it relates to this though so I don't want a counsellor acting like it's he cause. My mum doesn't want me to suddenly break down, I'm a Mother myself.

I hope that explains it, I'm sorry if it was confusing


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
tired girl
Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)

I didn't grieve properly, I'm not a counsellor but I can see that

This is good that you can see that,

So why is your mother afraid that you will break down? Is that a negative thing?


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 4533 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
KeepCalm_CarryOn
Member
Member # 33374
Default  Posted: 12:55 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)

Even my Mum says it could be a can of worms

You don't think this has something to do with everything? You're being taught to not deal with things and now you've internalized it.

My FWH too didn't want to deal with the past- how could it help? But with time he realized how much his parents and their parenting style- or lack thereof- has effected his coping and communication skills. He was taught to keep it all in cause no one cared, then he would act out in a big way, as if you say FUCK YOU PAY ATTENTION, and he would get attention and they would "deal with" him. He did the same thing in our marriage, never talked about anything, internalized everything, then had an A to "blow up" the situation. I'm not saying that is 100% the reason for the A, but it played a BIG role. Now we talk about things. It's helped.

Look, you can't build a house on a shaky foundation. It will collapse every time. So you have to go back and repair the foundation or it will never work.


You are not dealing with rational people or situations. Normal thought processes won't work...story of my life.

Me- BW, 28
Him- fWh, 34
Mostly R'd, minus a few scars...bought a house and got a puppy...And baby makes 3! She arrived August


Posts: 1989 | Registered: Sep 2011
veritas
Member
Member # 3525
Default  Posted: 1:10 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)

If your only choices are having a meltdown or shutting down, then yes, I can see where that might be scary and shutting down preferable. Those are not, however, your only choices. You can learn to get through things without doing either, but you have to be willing to open up first instead of being closed. It will lead to better relationships and a better you, for that matter. Being willing to be vulnerable is not the same as being weak.

[This message edited by veritas at 1:11 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)]


Actions unmask what words disguise.
Love many; trust few; and always paddle your own canoe.
When you win, you teach; when you lose, you learn.

Posts: 10168 | Registered: Feb 2004
She-Ra
Member
Member # 36033
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)

Hey sienna

Just throwing in my two cents as you said something that caught my eye. You say you don''t want to drudge up the past and nothing happened.. Well I can relate to your comment there. I have been in IC since July and only recently started digging into my past because I felt it was irrelevant to now. Well it''s not girly.

I thought hey I was brought up well. Both parents married for over 30 years, 1 brother.. We vacationed a lot, I was a competitive figure skater, played piano, got decent grades and had mostly anything that I could want in life. In reality there are some hidden demons that I''m facing now. I was emotionally and physically abused though out my childhood although I never felt like I had been because I never got the belt or whipped. Gee that was my idea of abuse because my mom would tell me that i deserved this and was lucky that i didnt get more. so I grew up but never gave myself any credit for the abuse that I did receive. My point is that you need to look at your past because there are many thought processes that you learn and don''t know any different. It is hard work to work through your emotions and thoughts but its worth it. The first step is giving yourself permission to dig into the past and allowing uourself to analyze your memories and talking with your IC about it

Give it a chance. Don''t let anyone have a say on how to heal


FWW 33 BH 34
Met 9 yrs ago, together for 7, married for 3
Dday Aug 10, 2012
Beautiful daughter born June 2013

Showing signs of true R. I'm hopeful

The WW formerly known as messedupchick


Posts: 768 | Registered: Jul 2012
badchoice
Member
Member # 35566
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)

The first step is giving yourself permission to dig into the past

Don''t let anyone have a say on how to heal

^^this. gently here...First your H didn't want you to go to IC, and now your Mother doesn't want you to open a can of worms. None of us know the details, but you have to decide to work on You, for You. Get the help you need because it will make you a better, healthier person and mother.

[This message edited by badchoice at 3:46 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)]


Me: fWH/BH 46

Separated transitioning to D


Posts: 725 | Registered: May 2012 | From: L.A.
floridaredman
Member
Member # 15122
Default  Posted: 4:52 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)

In an argument yes I might zone out but that's because I'm not confrontational.

This is a wall..

They always turn into rhetorical questions anyway.

Wall
If a conversation gets tricky I know I drift away and nod along because I don't want the hassle of conflict or I freeze because I can't think what to say or get nervous of the answer.

Wall

This is what puts me off in the first place, I'd rather she looked at what's happening now.

Wall


I just saw a couple of upsetting things. I was fine, i swallowed it and I don't mind glossing over but counsellors don't realise that I have nothing more to say on it. People make too much of a big deal about it.

Wall

I went through a couple of very upsetting events and I decided to be strong, possibly a bit too strong admittedly. I didn't grieve properly, I'm not a counsellor but I can see that.

Wall

You have built yourself quite a fortress of avoidance

There is never any strength gained from avoidance and if a broken child is never healed..that broken child still lives in a full grown adult.
The strength comes from fixing the broken child.

[This message edited by floridaredman at 4:55 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)]


The simplest thing can be the hardest thing to do....FRM

Posts: 2473 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Florida
Sienna500
Member
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 5:00 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)

My husband did a U turn though and now he's being very supportive, he was being insecure and worrying over nothing.

My Mum just recognises that I have a lot of reponsibilities and she always says she thinks I'm walking a tight rope. She worries that if they force grief out of me I might not cope well when my family life is already strained. I have the same worry, it's not just her.

I feel like it's important to keep the curtains drawn on some things and I know it doesn't sound healthy but I know the feelings attached to those memories so surely I can work with them from afar, if that makes sense. I can't articulate how hard it was for me to keep everything together at the time and I honestly doubt I'd cope again with everything else going on.

Thank you for all your opinions and advice, it is very helpful to me.


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
Sienna500
Member
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 5:17 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)

I'm not trying to avoid anything, maybe conflict but in general that's surely not a bad thing?

Nothing happened to me in my childhood. I had a happy childhood, then when I was a teenager my grandfather died and my grandmother felt she couldn't live without him and I found her. I had to be strong because my Mum had lost her Mum, she was going through a divorce with my Dad and my sisters and brother were heartbroken. Then in 2010 my brother went the same way as my Gran. My sister and I found him too. I was 8 months pregnant and already had a little one, if I had fallen apart it would have done more harm than good, my little sister and my Mum and Dad were all so distraught. It was a horrible time, both times were filled with sadness, hurt, feeling like I could have done something all just normal feelings so dwelling on them does no good, it just causes upset. I know I didn't handle it well but it was the right thing at the time and it isn't the right time now.

[This message edited by Sienna500 at 6:28 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)]


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
MissesJai
Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 5:21 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)

read FRM's post again & again.


FWW - 40
I'm big on personal responsibility. Own your shit. ALL OF IT.

Posts: 5769 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
badchoice
Member
Member # 35566
Default  Posted: 6:05 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)

I am so sorry to hear what you have experienced. It must have been a lot to deal with and very hard on you and your family.


Me: fWH/BH 46

Separated transitioning to D


Posts: 725 | Registered: May 2012 | From: L.A.
Sienna500
Member
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 6:25 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)

I'm sorry if I've neg'd anyone out, I know it's a sad story. I just want to find a way to fix my life now without dwelling on death. It's over with, by definition. I can't spend anymore of my life thinking about the end of others, this is my life, if you know what I mean? I have a little life growing inside me, 2 little lives snuggled up and sleeping, 3 if you include my husband.

I need to move on in my life and work out the whys without digging all that up. I've messed up and hurt the man I love. That's what I want to focus on.

[This message edited by Sienna500 at 6:26 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)]


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
badchoice
Member
Member # 35566
Default  Posted: 6:29 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)

I get what you are saying, maybe you are not in the emotional space right now to face all of this, but in my opinion, you need to face this and work through it.

Think about it this way, you want to work on the attic of the house, when there is still some issues with the foundation.


Me: fWH/BH 46

Separated transitioning to D


Posts: 725 | Registered: May 2012 | From: L.A.
Sienna500
Member
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 6:37 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)

I just can't see what there is to say about it though. I'm sure if I'd cried and grieved at the time I would have felt a bit better now but it's done, no one is coming back it's over.

If I was to dig it up and get upset there's no guarantee I'd feel better but I'd definitely affect my children, my parents, my sisters and my husband and that's not something I'm going to do, I can't.


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
badchoice
Member
Member # 35566
Default  Posted: 6:50 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)

Not trying to beat you up, just continuing the conversation.

I guess what I am missing is how will this affect your family?

Do you think it will have that negative effect in the long run? I think what I am seeing, and can relate to, is that you feel very responsibly now, as you did then, to keep it together for everyone else. It sounds like you do not feel that it is ok for you to experience your real emotions. That if you are not strong, it will somehow negatively affect everyone else.

I think what we are all saying hear is that it is healthy for you, or anyone for that matter, to experience pain and loss. Trying to protect others at your expense, is not a healthy way to deal with it.

Does this make sense.


Me: fWH/BH 46

Separated transitioning to D


Posts: 725 | Registered: May 2012 | From: L.A.
5454real
Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 6:51 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)

I'm very sorry for your losses. BH here and I hope I'm not out of line. I volunteer as a Critical Incident Stress Debriefer. What you have described falls squarely into the Critical Incident category, not only once, but several times over. Never treated. I would strongly listen to your counselor suggesting PTSD. It has many forms and can be expressed in many ways. None positive, sometimes many, many years later.

Please, continue with IC. I'm very glad BH is supportive.

Strength and prayers.


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2578 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Sienna500
Member
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 7:11 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)

Badchoice, What if I got really upset or breakdown and become devastated myself? That wouldn't be good for my family. Anyway, I'm alright, I'm fully functioning and not depressed so surely I can find a way of fixing this without bringing it up too deeply.

5454real, thank you I'm honestly fine. I will stick at IC and I am definitely lucky to have my husband.


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
badchoice
Member
Member # 35566
Default  Posted: 7:23 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)

What if I got really upset or breakdown and become devastated myself?

Yes, this is a legitimate fear. It is important that you have a support network in place when you face things like this, and you have to be in an emotionally stable place as well.

Believe me, I understand your concern and fear. I have put off a search for my bio-dad until I am in a stronger emotional state on the suggestion of my IC.

I am happy to see you sticking with IC, and happy that your H is there for you!

I wish you all the best, I really do.


Me: fWH/BH 46

Separated transitioning to D


Posts: 725 | Registered: May 2012 | From: L.A.
Sienna500
Member
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 7:38 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)

Thank you, I'll definitely keep it up but I can't allow going down that route. I'll just have to find another way for now.

Good luck to you too!


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
thisissogross
Member
Member # 30294
Default  Posted: 7:54 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)

You know what my counselor wanted me to do right away? Talk about my estranged step-dad and go fly a kite. Yup, literally. I worked 30 hrs a week, was in school full time, running a household, making time for therapy to talk about my stupid stepfather, and my husband had only recently stopped being an abusive lie-monster-and she told me to find time to go fly a kite. (She got it from a list of things I'd made to do for my inner child, never intending to actually do any of them because they all seemed beyond ridiculous.)

I resisted but when I finally caved, here was why; It wasn't going to kill me, and maybe it could help.

I figured I might feel stupid or uncomfortable for a moment, but what if my therapist was right and there was some benefit to be gained? So, if I felt silly for a bit and she was right-i could gain some insight or peace. If she was wrong, I flew a kite and felt a little silly and would have moved on to the next thing. It simply wasn't going to kill me. And you know what Sienna? It didn't hurt at all and helped in ways I never could have imagined, precisely because it was so silly.

The other thing I kept pondering early in therapy when the exercises and assignments were so difficult for me to face was that I wound up in therapy (in part at least) because I felt so lost. And if I was that lost why the hell not try things that felt strange to me? Wouldn't changing (even in positive ways) involve CHANGE and therefore discomfort? So, that's how I tried to view it anyway. I had been doing what I knew to do. I had done what was comfortable and what I believed would work. And it got me a horrible marriage, a job I felt stuck in, and a family that all turned their backs on me at once. Why shouldn't we try new things and thought processes when we see that our old ways aren't working? Is it scary and uncomfortable to change these things? To even really examine these aspects of ourselves? Hell yes! But in a lot of ways, that's what therapy is all about. When its worth a darn anyway.

This lady has asked that you acquaint yourself with a topic and explore it in depth. And you wonder if its rubbish and talk like you're done with therapy? She's asking that you devote a couple hours of your life to exploring trauma, if it doesn't apply to you-fine. You two will figure that out quickly enough and move on to the next thing. If it does, well, I guess you and your therapist will go from there.

Incidently though, since I assume you are looking for input? I don't think you've been saddled with an inept therapist who's wasting your time. I think you've found yourself something even more bone chillingly terrifying-a perceptive and clever therapist who's willing to challenge you on tough topics.

Really, seriously, please consider her homework and your response to it. She's asking that you look in to something, she's not reccomending surgery, months of utter solitude, some sort of self punishment or even medication, she asked you to read a couple things and speak further with her about the topic once you had. Did that kill you? Will it? Could it possibly, even if you only relate to a tiny bit and learn only a couple things in that exploration-possibly maybe help you? And if that's the case-with all the responsibilities you do have and all the little ones depending on you-why wouldn't you want to at least try if it can improve everything about your existence and even who you are and how you walk around feeling inside?

Sigh. I get so sad when I see people recoiling in the early stages of therapy and acting like they'll quit. That's probably what the majority of my posts here are actually, encouraging frightened people to please seek or continue therapy. Please consider this Sienna, this woman would be remiss in her duties (by my standards anyway) if she HADN'T broached the subject of trauma with the type of history you have. If you just really feel like you have that locked away (you probably don't) and refuse to deal with it and she won't move on for 3 more sessions-ok-reconsider. But, just for curiousity's sake-can't you give her thoughts due consideration even if you ultimately disagree? I totally understand the urge to let things be, let them stand, stay on the old familiar paths. They brought you here though Sienna. They brought us all here.

I've read a lot of your posts, there is something about you and the way you talk about yourself and apologize for existing that reminds me a lot of myself, and I so hope you can gain something from what I've written. And please please please continue with your therapy. The fact that this person was perceptive enough to assign reading that made you this uncomfortable this early on- just may be a clear sign that her methods will be effective for you. I got to where I was dissapointed if I wasn't at least a little squirmy about something each session, to me it indicated that I wasn't working hard enough-and then my therapist had to comfort me about that!

Please give this lady a chance Sienna. Please give yourself a chance to settle in to therapy and what that process is like. It isn't comfortable and it isn't supposed to be. Change isn't easy but you are so worth it.

And, even if you didn't love your reading assignment-at least you didn't have to fly a kite! (Yet-idk where your therapy will take you though)

Eta: I see that as I was composing this tretise you made your intention to continue therapy clear-i am thrilled to see that!

I really do wish you the best and see so much that is familiar to me in your posts. I hope you decide to place a little faith in this person. I understand how terrifying vulnerability can be, but you seem to be at such a turning point and I really do hope you're able to find guidance of value for yourself. Also? All the fears about falling apart if you face the demons of the past? The thing is Sienna, those things are never tucked away as quietly as we think. Some things are just too powerful and no matter how tight we close our eyes-how deep we stick our fingers in our ears and say 'naner-naner-naner naaanaaa'-it bubbles up. Not in forms all that identifiable sometimes, but it all bubbles up. Those dark shapes and looming sadnesses have a lot of power for something we never discuss. If you DECIDE to mourn-it could definately mean a lot of crying and devastation. It could mean you stay in bed for a week screaming into a pillow. I suppose it could mean checking into a facility for a short time to rest and recover in super extreme cases (although that would be rare probably and unlikely in your case I would guess). If you continue deciding NOT to mourn-well, I guess you know what that means. Does giving a name to those dark shapes and drawing them out to where they're visible truly have no clensing appeal to you? Even knowing that if you did it those horrid vacancies could change into recognizable faces and happy memories?

when I began therapy a facility was my deepest fear. In retrospect? It would have been fantastic for me and could have given my healing a serious kick start. As deeply pleased as I was to 'escape' that at the time-sometimes people just need a rest in a safe place, and now I actually regret not just checking myself in for a semi-planed colapse. I wish you the best Sienna, I feel that facing down the scary stuff I thought I'd put away was the best thing I ever did for myself. And well, I described what my life was like at the time I did earlier in this post. Miserably inconvenient-but so so precious to me.

[This message edited by thisissogross at 8:43 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)]


"A pair of powerful spectacles has sometimes sufficed to cure a person in love." -Friedrich Nietzsche

i edit frequently because i have to


Posts: 232 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: southern us
Sienna500
Member
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 8:41 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)

Thank you for your thoughts and opinions, they're very much appreciated.

Yes, I'll continue IC. I can actually open my mouth to her so I'd be a fool not to. I'm going to tell her my worries, see what she says.

I know it sounds weird but I just don't want my life to involve talking about death. I'll discuss that with he counsellor too.

Thank you again, I know it's sound advice. Oh and I wouldn't mind flying a kite, I made one with the kids last week ironically!


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
thisissogross
Member
Member # 30294
Default  Posted: 9:29 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)

Well you're ahead of me on kite flying then I only embraced it after 12 or 13 sessions (my silly was very broken then). I know I made the quest for mental health sound pretty bleak before. It's so much like exercising the body though! Just like that-if you've gotten out of shape and jog for an hour? You feel awful! Like crap-you totally think you're falling apart and start measuring your pulse and gulping like a fish on land and going 'ugh. Agh. I can't. Just can't!' But, if you stick with it it NEVER sucks as bad as that 1st time. Even has parallels in the phases of still suffering a fair bit-but you know it means something is being accomplished so its satisfying at the same time. And then, seriously, you'll have moments of glory and epiphany that almost seem like they're coming for free, except you know they're not. Its weird and awesome if you can hang with it.

[This message edited by thisissogross at 9:30 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)]


"A pair of powerful spectacles has sometimes sufficed to cure a person in love." -Friedrich Nietzsche

i edit frequently because i have to


Posts: 232 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: southern us
Uneek
Member
Member # 38416
Default  Posted: 12:59 AM, April 24th (Wednesday)

Madhatter here. Our MC is looking at a PTSD diagnosis for H and the more I read about it, the more I see it fits.

The thing is, WS's are broken. There is a reason that a wayward becomes a wayward. Much like a medical infection, if you treat the symptoms (the betrayal), it will get better...for a while. But until you get at the root of the problem, it's not gone and it will end up cropping up again.

I know what my brokenness is. I am dealing with it. It took us a couple months to figure out where H's came from, but it makes SO much sense now that MC brought it up. Please, please be open to what the IC has to say. It may hurt now, but it will be the best thing for *all* of you in the long run if you deal with the root of the problem instead of just the symptoms.


Posts: 114 | Registered: Feb 2013
Sienna500
Member
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 2:58 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)

Thank you Uneek, I'm open to it but I don't think I have PTSD, I honestly don't.

I'll explore lots of things and I can even take my past as the start point but I'm not going to delve deeply into it. I really do have too many responsibilities just in case.


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
Uneek
Member
Member # 38416
Default  Posted: 5:25 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)

Funny, my H and I were talking last night and it's as if he were quoting your posts. He doesn't see it at all where I completely see it. I'd be curious if your H thinks there's a chance you have PTSD.

Posts: 114 | Registered: Feb 2013
Sienna500
Member
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 5:45 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)

I don't have nightmares, I did straight after but that's normal and not PTSD, I don't re-experience and that's apparently the most common symptom. I'm not irritable and I don't have angry outbursts. I also don't think I'm emotionally numb. In fact I wasn't going to put what happened on this site but then because everyone was being so kind thinking something had happened to me and saying what awful things had happened to them, I felt I had to say.

I'm not 100% dismissing it and I certainly don't want to be rude but, I honestly don't believe it's the right path for me.


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
tired girl
Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 6:00 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)

Sienna I get you think that there is nothing more to be said about what happened to you or in your life. And that your not looking for sympathy. You can continue to think that you turning off your emotions when this happened in your family has no bearing to what is happening now or not. Others have tried to tell you different.

What I can tell you is that my brother committing suicide has been the single most horrible thing to get past in my life, short of what I did to myself. It was worse than my mother trying to kill us as children. You know why? Because he made a choice to leave us, he made a choice without telling me to take himself out of my life, with no regard to what that was going to do to me, or my kids or his daughter. And 18 yrs later it still sucks. Am I over grieving him, yes. Do I still miss him? You bet.

I don't think you are allowing yourself the time to think about anything that even revolves around what happened. I had responsibilities to when this happened, it was dam hard to get through it, and I didn't always do a good job of it. But it is healed now.

You can deny it, up to you. And no one will ever force you to do this. This is your work to do.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 4533 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
Akire
Member
Member # 32101
Default  Posted: 6:48 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)

Its a great thread. And a sad one. Thanks for starting it Sienna. I'm bowled over by your strength - not only exhibited through what you've gone through in both the far and recent past, but what you show in your posts in this thread also. Obviously struggling to say 'no' is not an issue for you, and since it is for me, I have to say I'm jealous! Saying 'yes' might be more the issue, but if it is, I'm sure you'll figure that out.

FRM I loved your post. Sometimes having things spelt out so simply has a powerful effect. When the time is right. I hope Sienna holds onto it.

More generally (and without personalizing), its also a frustrating thread to read, for me. And slightly alarming.

I know it sounds weird but I just don't want my life to involve talking about death.

See, to me? This is a red flag. Make that a black flag. People who know (and presumably love) her have also expressed concern about whether she could make it through a thorough examination of her past at this point. Another black flag. I know loved ones can stop us going where we need to go for their own self-protective reasons - but I'm not hearing her wanting to look at something against other's resistance. THAT'S what makes it another black flag for me.

I'm going to speak bluntly cos I believe it is important: back. the. f. off. I get encouragement. I get that in certain contexts people need a firm word, rather than a kind one. It is hard judging the difference. Every relationship, even online ones like this site offers, is an opportunity to learn and will provide triggers for your (our) own issues. My gut says that in this instance, the 'need' that literally rolls off some posts for Sienna to look at what she is clearly stating she's not ready to look at, has nothing to do with her. Take it to your own IC or whatever channel you use for support. Because I guarantee you, as well-meaning as your push might be, as much as you wish/hope for a 'better' mother/wife for Sienna's wee children and hubby, they will not thank you at all for your kind intentions if they end up without a mother/wife.

I say this facing my own excrutiating battle to straddle the line between not wanting to live and wanting to die. Its been a long and tiring journey. But I chose to deal with this now. If one bastard had pushed me before I was ready, I wouldn't be straddling it, I'd be over it. I have to know and decide when I'm ready for that toughest-of-all battles. Think about Sienna's past experiences with loved ones who crossed that line - black flag! Her solid insistence to decide for herself is not being listened to. I admire it. I salute it. I don't know if Sienna has either the external or internal support to face that battle. But I bet Sienna does, and I'm backing her as the expert in this instance. The biggest thing people took from me in my life is the belief that I could trust myself. Please stop doing that.

Anyway that's all I have.


BS(me), FWH(gone), 2DS
M-16y, now S
A friend will calm you down when you're angry, but a best friend will skip beside you with a baseball bat singing: "Someone's gonna get it!"

Posts: 124 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Wisconsin
Fallen
Member
Member # 4313
Default  Posted: 7:16 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)

Sienna, you said,

She worries that if they force grief out of me I might not cope well when my family life is already strained. I have the same worry, it's not just her.

It's not forcing the grief out but facing the grief that will help you heal. You don't necessarily have to do this with a counselor, although it could definitely help. You may just need to do it on your own; but make no mistake, you must deal with it and feel it or you will never heal from it.

I had so much unresolved grief (over many things) that got in my way all the time. I stuffed my pain, buried my feelings and tried to soldier on. Eventually though it will catch up- and it did- which had a lot to do with why I cheated. I was looking for some way to stop feeling pain.

Please consider reading the book "Unattended Sorrow" by Stephen Levine. Even if you don't feel like counseling will help you or that it might hurt you to be in therapy right now, you might find something in that book that you relate to. It helped me tremendously and I finally was able to grieve many of my losses and to end my internal suffering.

Just a paragraph or two from the book, in hope it will help you:


Repeated loss accumulates in the reservoir of sorrow. It is the repository of all we have ever lost, all that died despite our love, all we ever hoped to be, all the disappointment and despair buried over a lifetime. Those places within ourselves that have been dug away by loss, those parts lost, worn away, and excavated by a gradually increasing helplessness and apathy, slowly begin to fill with sorrow.

Unattended sorrow is a stone stuck in the throat from "swallowing our grief," a boulder rolled into the entrance to the heart against our resurrection. It is a great wounding of hope.

It is not only the loose ends of recent traumas that are the cause of our grief, but those traumas long sequestered in our flesh and bones. The hurt burrows into the tissues of our body and the fiber of our mind and contracts around pain, turning it into suffering. The unwillingness to touch our pain with mercy, even with forgiveness, amplifies our discontent and throws our life out of tune.

Wishing you peace and healing.

[This message edited by Fallen at 7:18 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)]


You can't heal what you won't feel.

"There would be no grand absolution, only forgiveness meted out in these precious sips. It would well up from his heart in spoonfuls, and he would feed it to me. And it would be enough."


Posts: 23478 | Registered: May 2004
Sienna500
Member
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 7:28 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)

TG, as always, thank you. I really mean it but I had to stop even reading that part of your last post. I'm honestly just not going to go there whether it's for good or bad I really just don't want to. I'm so sorry for your loss and It's warming to know it can heal. I know others can grieve and get on but I didn't do it right at the time, I get that I really do. I know I got it wrong but it doesn't mean now is the time to go backwards. I only have one life, I'm messing it up I know but this is still my life I can't dwell on death, I won't. I need to find another way to move forward.

Akire, I think you might be confusing strength with cowardice! I feel like the kid saying they don't want to go on the ghost train! Thank you though, I think you get it and that feels so good right now. I would like to point out that I'm not going anywhere, I'd never leave my children willingly and I wouldn't put anyone through that shit. Not even my worst enemy.


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
Sienna500
Member
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 7:48 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)

Fallen, thank you and I'm sure you'll be right. No ones advice is falling on deaf ears I promise. I don't feel I could read a book like that, I had to skip over those paragraphs.

I wish I hadn't said anything because I'm sure I'm frustrating the hell out of everybody. That's another special gift of mine and I'm sorry, I truly am.

At both times, especially with my brother everyone was freaking out. My sister was hysterical and when I rang my husband he came, walked in and also became hysterical. My parents and sister in law were distraught when I told them. I personally would have loved to encountered 'me' at that time. I forced rational thinking and I did calm my family. My baby didn't have a crying hysterical mother, my pregnancy all went smoothly. It worked at the time for everyone. I made all arrangements I sorted everything and everyone out. I know with hindsight this didn't work out too good for me but, at the time it worked. I'm sure I'm irritating the life out of everyone but, I'm sorry I need to find a different way of moving forward.


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
Akire
Member
Member # 32101
Default  Posted: 8:16 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)

I think you might be confusing strength with cowardice

Strength and cowardice are but two sides of the one coin, friend! I think you're doing great. Really.

I wish I hadn't said anything because I'm sure I'm frustrating the hell out of everybody.

No. That's theirs to own, you don't need to take it on. I know you've been a good little sponge taking on everyone's emotions and battling through, as you very accurately point out - at your own expense. You don't have to keep doing it, you really don't. I hear you say you want to find a different way and focus on the present (for now). I think here would be a good place to start :)

Thanks for your kind words.

Edited for mistakes!

[This message edited by Akire at 8:25 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)]


BS(me), FWH(gone), 2DS
M-16y, now S
A friend will calm you down when you're angry, but a best friend will skip beside you with a baseball bat singing: "Someone's gonna get it!"

Posts: 124 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Wisconsin
thisissogross
Member
Member # 30294
Default  Posted: 9:20 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)

You don't have anything to apologize for Sienna. We're all here trying to figure stuff out. That's all you're doing and you're welcome to it.


"A pair of powerful spectacles has sometimes sufficed to cure a person in love." -Friedrich Nietzsche

i edit frequently because i have to


Posts: 232 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: southern us
cinnamongurl
Member
Member # 37879
Default  Posted: 9:33 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)

Sienna, you've just begun therapy! Its Waaay too early to begin delving into the depths of that kind of pain! Akire is 100% correct. You cannot be forced to deal with grief and trauma by others, it has to be something you're ready to face.

Work on the here and now. With that work, over time you will develop healthy coping skills. That and a good support system will help you to get to a place where you can learn to handle those memories and feelings in a healthy way.

In the meantime, you're doing the right thing by continuing therapy. It will be good for you! And don't forget that it will take some time, and some days will seem like you're getting nowhere, but you are. Your building strength, and learning to make healthy choices. It just doesn't happen overnight.

Be patient and kind to yourself, Sienna. You deserve to be healthy and happy. You've been through so much! ((Sienna))


Me: 36 fWGF He: 35 BBF and my heart
Together 17 yrs. "You were sick, but now you're well again, and there's work to do."
Kurt Vonnegut



Posts: 502 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: home with my heart.
Finally10
Member
Member # 36900
Default  Posted: 10:47 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)

Sienna;

I think you have it right despite what many here want to tell you. As one who has had to experience the suicide of a sibling, I know what you are feeling. My situation was nothing as horrible as yours, but I carry major guilt. I have spoken to my IC about it and simply told him I wasn't ready to deal with that now, that there were more pressing issues that needed to be conquered. He looked at me and said, "You know we have to go there eventually, right?" I said, yes, eventually. He said OK, moving on...

Only you can know when you are ready to process your feelings about your situations and your focus on the here and now, your children, and your wayward issues are current. Your strength is inspiring to those of us that can relate.


Posts: 113 | Registered: Sep 2012
tired girl
Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 2:54 AM, April 25th (Thursday)

Sienna,

I don't think anyone here is frustrated with you. You don't need to keep saying your sorry. I have been in IC off and on now for three years, I have taken some things faster than others. The stuff I am tackling right now feels the most daunting of all. I wasn't ready until now. It is what it is. I worked my onion from my present back. That was easiest for me, it was how I could handle it.

What happened with you and your family, you did nothing wrong. You filled a role that you thought everyone needed, you can look back now and see that probably did yourself no good. So at some point you figure out what that means to you.

This is your process Sienna, what we can tell you is that it is a process that has to be worked if you want change to occur. This is about your life, no one else's. You decide how you want it to look.

I think you have already started making some of those changes, so stick around. You will do fine.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 4533 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
Sienna500
Member
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 4:08 AM, April 25th (Thursday)

Thank you everyone. I definitely have some food for thought.

Cinnamongurl, Akire, You both make me feel a lot less weird!

I started this thread thinking my counsellor was talking rubbish and I'm pleased to say I feel differently now, I haven't done a U turn but I'm sure I'll get there some day.

Finally10, thank you and I'm so sorry for your loss. Don't say my experience is worse, it's always going to be horrid regardless of the circumstances. My counsellor did seem OK when I said I wasn't going there, I'm hoping she doesn't do anything sneaky.

TG, thank you again and good luck to you. I'm sure I'll summon the strength at some point.


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
idiot85
Member
Member # 38934
Default  Posted: 4:58 AM, April 25th (Thursday)

You tell 'em!!!

I said in an earlier post how she doesn't talk and she nods along to everything- I'm pretty sure I could persuade her black is white (maybe in the right lighting!!) but this is something she needs to decide when to talk about- she ALWAYS stands firm on this and I think she might be right- for now at least.

Hindsight's 20/20- I shouldn't have ran around like a headless chicken, I shouldn't have lent on her so much, I should have helped out more instead of wallowing in my own grief- but- I'm an idiot and she was STRONG and it's so selfish but I'm going to say it- she really was the calm and supportive person- the only one- from finding him to getting a headstone. We were all selfish and I regret it now but- it's like I said- hindsight's 20/20. I'm trying to keep my eyes wide open now and with this- she needs to decide when to dig.

I'll be your wing commander though- I've always fancied being a pilot.


BH-29 (me)
WW-28

Multi famam, conscientiam, pauci verentur.


Posts: 575 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Old Blighty
Sienna500
Member
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 5:09 AM, April 25th (Thursday)

Maybe in the dark with my eyes shut!

You idiot.


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
idiot85
Member
Member # 38934
Default  Posted: 5:21 AM, April 25th (Thursday)

You idiot.

yes


BH-29 (me)
WW-28

Multi famam, conscientiam, pauci verentur.


Posts: 575 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Old Blighty
Topic Posts: 59