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Reconciliation
User Topic: the choices we have to make
ladya
Member
Member # 29184
Default  Posted: 4:42 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)

This is affair season for me. So, the other night I was in a funk. FWH asked what was wrong and I said I just can't help but wonder what I missed. It was 5 years ago that I confronted him about the EA. He lied....... It was 3 years ago that I found out it was a PA. It was 2 years ago that I found out it lasted longer than I ever thought. So, I said I just wonder how you could lie for so long, how you could live that double life, how you could do that to me, our kids...... He apologized and said, "you can wonder how I did all of that which was all very wrong or you can try to focus on how much I love you, how sorry I am and how much I have changed for the better." I said good point. It stinks but I have to make the choice to focus on now, not then.


Me:BS married 29 yrs.
5 kids

Time really does heal.
EA D-Day May 2008
PA D-Day May 7,2010 (same A)


Posts: 883 | Registered: Jul 2010
karmahappens
Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 5:33 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)

I still have a text on my phone from 5 years ago from my H....sent May 19 2008.

I asked him if he was sure he could do this.

His reply...I am sure Karma. I can't change what happened, I can only try to make things better.

I think it was then I knew I had to let go of the "I wish this hadn't happened" and start focusing on the now and what he was doing to fix/own it.

It's hard to let it go, isn't it? Hard to wish we could wake up and find things different than they are. That we would suddenly have magic answers.

No, what we have is the right now. The ability to face the pain and attack the issues and the future of the M together.

It takes a whole lot of time to get through this, but acceptance in what we can not change is huge...

(((hugs)))


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3775 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
forgivingnow
Member
Member # 33549
Default  Posted: 5:37 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)

I think what he said is wonderful. I do agree we need to focus on now, the present. BUT this is a trauma we are getting over & sometimes the feeling of pain & betrayal is still there. It does get better with time & positive words/actions from our spouse.
(((Ladya)))


Me-BS 51
FWH-51
M 31 yrs.
Dday 3-19-11, TT 10/2011, Full truth July 2013
Strength comes from within. You can't get it from someone or go somewhere to get it. It is already here, waiting to be used when you need it most. Believe in yourself.
R

Posts: 598 | Registered: Oct 2011
Rebreather
Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 5:44 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)

Funny, cause those kind of comments always tick me off. I need my husband to let me ruminate when I need to. I always find that comment to be self serving for him. I get it; we do need to focus on the positive. On our 5 year antiversary I decided not to bring the affair up any more, unless I really, REALLY needed to. It did work really well. But when I do bring it, being directed to "think more positively" just pisses me off. LOL


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6311 | Registered: Jan 2011
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 5:48 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)

I totally agree....acceptance and living in the NOW is so very important. I would say it is a very good way to live ALL of our lives...not just within our M and as we learn to R.

I am a very analytical type of person. I routinely look at my past actions to find clues on how to handle issues today and in the future. This is a handicap to me now as I try to leave the A in the past.

BUT, if we can successfully do this and embrace what we have now...we will be much better off.

I just cant imagine what possible good would come of fixating on the A that is part of our history? And yet, my mind wonders there....

Keep pressing forward!

God be with us all.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3411 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
ladya
Member
Member # 29184
Default  Posted: 5:59 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)

I have to try hard to focus on the present and who we are now. It's tough but It's worth it in the end. I know we would not have the marriage we have today if he wasn't remorseful and determined to fix what he broke. Life is just too short to focus on what I can't change.


Me:BS married 29 yrs.
5 kids

Time really does heal.
EA D-Day May 2008
PA D-Day May 7,2010 (same A)


Posts: 883 | Registered: Jul 2010
pewpewpew
Member
Member # 38116
Default  Posted: 6:46 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)

Thank you for this post.

I am so guilty of focusing on the past, wishing the A never happened. I need to start to forgive and appreciate that my WH is doing everything I ask, and showing me everyday that he is sorry.

I do not want to be in a M where I feel the need to hang this over his head everyday. How can we ever be happy?


ME: 30
WH: 35

Fool me once - Shame on you. Fool me twice - pack your shit and get out.


Posts: 308 | Registered: Jan 2013
scaredyKat
Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 10:25 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)

I am so guilty of focusing on the past, wishing the A never happened. I need to start to forgive and appreciate that my WH is doing everything I ask, and showing me everyday that he is sorry.

True dat. However, as the BS of a long term cheater, an SA, the trauma was long and deep. My walls are high and thick. I fixate on the past because I am so afraid that it will be repeated, despite the changes and commitment I see in SAfWH.

His acting out, verbal and emotional abuse and manipulation have change the fundamental me. I don't know if I will ever be able to change back. I hope some of you have more success, as this is no way to live.


Me-BS-60-Can't tell you how painful it was to change this number!
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 3284 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
catlover50
Member
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 2:04 AM, April 24th (Wednesday)

I'm with Rebreather on this. Although I tend to be positive and forward thinking, in the early months I did not appreciate my H saying this in response to a trigger. I taught him that at that time it would only make me angry. I needed him to apologize, comfort me, etc, but not tell me to focus on the future. I did that plenty, but I still had a lot of shitty past to process.

That said, in general I was positive and did not spend much time beating up my H. He was becoming the man of my dreams and was easy to support.



Dday -9/24/2012
Reconciling

Posts: 1710 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
BIZZYBEEZ
Member
Member # 37645
Default  Posted: 2:18 AM, April 24th (Wednesday)

Thanks for this post. It was 6 months for me yesterday & I've been struggling the last couple days. This was what I needed to read to put a smile back on my face.


BW (me) - 47
WH (him) - 39
DDay - 10/22/2012 (worst day of my life)

Learning to breathe again - one day at a time


Posts: 235 | Registered: Nov 2012
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 5:23 AM, April 24th (Wednesday)

the trauma was long and deep. My walls are high and thick. I fixate on the past because I am so afraid that it will be repeated,

this is me, although I'm getting better. Probably because he did it twice...


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me: 48
him: 51
4 kiddos in lower 20's

“Slide the weight from your shoulders and move forward. You are afraid you might forget, but you never will. You will forgive and remember."


Posts: 4536 | Registered: Dec 2010
forgivingnow
Member
Member # 33549
Default  Posted: 9:58 AM, July 2nd (Tuesday)

I needed to reread this today because I was struggling with anxiety and slipping. Right now is wonderful, it is the past that was horrible.


Me-BS 51
FWH-51
M 31 yrs.
Dday 3-19-11, TT 10/2011, Full truth July 2013
Strength comes from within. You can't get it from someone or go somewhere to get it. It is already here, waiting to be used when you need it most. Believe in yourself.
R

Posts: 598 | Registered: Oct 2011
karmahappens
Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 10:03 AM, July 2nd (Tuesday)


It's the start of A season for me, the good thing is...it doesn't impact me anymore.

You will get there and you will be ok. Keep walking.

(((hugs)))



“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3775 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, July 2nd (Tuesday)

wow. this thread is from a while ago and I see I commented on it.

you can wonder how I did all of that which was all very wrong or you can try to focus on how much I love you, how sorry I am and how much I have changed for the better.

this bothers the hell out of me. I'd probably rip him a new one for telling me what and how to feel...
you all are much better people than I. Marriage shouldn't be this hard.

[This message edited by rachelc at 11:08 AM, July 2nd (Tuesday)]


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me: 48
him: 51
4 kiddos in lower 20's

“Slide the weight from your shoulders and move forward. You are afraid you might forget, but you never will. You will forgive and remember."


Posts: 4536 | Registered: Dec 2010
jjsr
Member
Member # 34353
Default  Posted: 2:43 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday)

I needed this today


Me: BS
Him: WS
Married since 1985
Parents to 2 adult sons and 3 of the cutest cats you have ever seen
D-day 8/6/11 Truth about ONS and 9/21/11 Truth about EA
Trying to reconcile

Posts: 1593 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Texas
Topic Posts: 15