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Reconciliation
User Topic: Opposite sex friends
April101
Member
Member # 20417
Default  Posted: 4:55 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)

Is it possible for people to have a close friendship with someone of the opposite sex? I think people need some form of boundary. They can be friends, go out to dinner, enjoy each other's company, just as long as there is first full disclosure to their spouse and second some other type of boundary such as a third party, time constraint, public meeting. Not intimate meetings. Am I off base in saying any other type of friendship just doesn't work.

This issue just came up this week. When discussing it, I don't really think it is a good idea to NOT have a boundary. People who were not affected by an affair (yet?) may not see a need. I myself, before being betrayed, felt little or no need for a boundary.

Please give me your opinions.

Also, on a related note, a co-worker of mine, male and about 15 years younger, is having boundary issues with another co-worker in our office. I don't want him to know about my husband's affair, but I am really worried he is going down the wrong path with B. She has texted him from home during the work day, when she is off and he's at work. She apparently has a drinking problem, which he found out about and confided to me. He has gone to her home and even carried her up to bed once when she was drunk. He has a wife and 2 little kids. When I asked him if anything happened between them he said no. My husband says to stay out of it. But I hate to see him go down that road. To me it sounds like the "knight in shining armor" syndrome. An affair waiting to happen.


Me: 49 (BS)
Him: 47 (WS)
PA: 2 yrs
Married 22 yrs
3 kids
D Day: April 2008
Me: "Nobody wants to be with a cheater not even a cheater."
My D(16): 'Why should I listen to dad, he knew what he was doing was wrong and did it anyway'

Posts: 484 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: New York
BaldwinBeauty59
Member
Member # 35507
Default  Posted: 5:09 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)

He has gone to her home and even carried her up to bed once when she was drunk.

I'd bet the farm that it is already an A. Talking to him won't do anything as he is already too involved with this OW to pull away. Find out a way to tell his wife what you know. Let her in on this secret "friendship".


Me - BW (53)
Him - WH (56)
OW - skanky whore coworker
Married 33 years
DDay1 8/10/11
DDay2 8/15/11
DDay3 8/28/11
2 grown children
Status - in R

Posts: 978 | Registered: May 2012
Extirpated
New Member
Member # 38707
Default  Posted: 5:10 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)

If you had asked me 6 months ago, I would have said yes that one can be friends and do those things with the opposite sex. Now, I have a much different opinion - no, they cannot be. It is a slippery slope that leads to no good. But, I may be bitter because the OW in my case was a good friend of ours. I made the mistake of letting them do things together without me because I trusted them both implicitly - that came around to bite me in the ass.

I have always gotten along better with men (women are too superficial and catty and backstabbing) but once I was married kept all friendships friendships of both my husband and I. We no longer had close friends that were just his or mine. I am no longer comfortable or allow my husband to do anything alone with someone of the opposite sex. It's both of us or it doesn't happen.

Being betrayed really does open your eyes to a lot of things. I never thought or even considered that this would happen to me/us.


BS - 37 (me)
WH - 37
Children - 3 (aged 11-8)
Married 14 years, together 17 years
TT - 1/27/13, Full DDay 2/11/13
Working towards R
OW - two faced, lying, cheating, manipulating next door neighbor who pretended to be my friend

Posts: 21 | Registered: Mar 2013
heartache101
Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 5:11 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)

I don't believe in opposite sex friends going out in public etc. Just me I am sure.

Now I have an opposite sex friend but he is gay. SOoo no problem there.

I would most definetely not allow my FWS to have a female friend. Period.
JMO.


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3188 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
karmahappens
Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 5:12 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)

I made the mistake of letting them do things together without me because I trusted them both implicitly - that came around to bite me in the ass.

Yup, me too....


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3845 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
Rebreather
Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 5:24 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)

Most affairs start between friends, right?

I would have no problem telling this person he is wildly out of line and that he needs to end that friendship ASAP less he find himself out of a marriage. I'd have a hard time not saying something to his wife.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6549 | Registered: Jan 2011
April101
Member
Member # 20417
Default  Posted: 5:35 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)

Don't think you are safe if the other woman is gay. The other woman in my husband's affair was openly gay and living with her "partner" wife. Four months after D-day, when I had my wits about me, I outed the A to the OW's partner. Before I did that, she merely thought of the TWO-YEAR affair as a "bump in the road". Right.


Me: 49 (BS)
Him: 47 (WS)
PA: 2 yrs
Married 22 yrs
3 kids
D Day: April 2008
Me: "Nobody wants to be with a cheater not even a cheater."
My D(16): 'Why should I listen to dad, he knew what he was doing was wrong and did it anyway'

Posts: 484 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: New York
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 5:43 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)

Before the A....I was actually encouraging my wife to find a running partner...didnt even care if it was man or woman.

But for me...even pre-A...I was always concerned about it. I never went to lunch with just 1 woman co-worker. If I felt the need to take one out for help they offered me at my job I would ask them which other female co-worker they would like to join us.

I just never thought my wife would have an A. Foolishly, I thought that was a mans trait....I have no idea why I didnt think that in every A there is a WOMAN involved too!

I just dont think you can have a really close opposite sex friend.

God be with us all.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3987 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
brokensmile322
Member
Member # 35758
Default  Posted: 6:07 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)

I used to think so, but not anymore.

Think about it...how do we all fall in love with our WS's to begin with? We spend time with them, we like their company, we discover we have something in common, we are attracted to them and it happens. Time spent together is creating that intimacy IMHO. The spark is bound to ignite on one side or the other. One person steps over the boundary, the other tries to resist because you know, they are married, but they can still be friends??! Ha! They ignore it for awhile, tension building, being friends until.... BOOM!

Nope. Don't advise it.

[This message edited by brokensmile322 at 6:08 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)]


Me BS 42 Him WS 44
OW Coworker DDay April 7, 2012
EA on a slippery slope...

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl

"When you are happy, you can forgive a great deal."


Posts: 1542 | Registered: Jun 2012
Kelany
Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 6:15 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)

No, no, and a resounding NO.

There is no reason for me (the BS) to have male friends. None. I can find what I need in a friendship from my female friends. There is no reason I would EVER need to go have coffee, lunch, etc. with a man who is not my husband. NONE. This was a boundary I had in place BEFORE my husband had multiple affairs. I'm not comfortable being around men alone because it's SO easy to go down that slippery slope. I can not honestly remember being with a man alone in a casual setting that wasn't a relative since before my marriage.

My husbands affairs all occurred with employee's whom he "befriended". There is absolutely NO reason he needs to have a female friend at all. NONE.

Being alone with opposite sex friends fosters a sense of intimacy no matter how you slice it. You let your guard down, you become comfortable and then you can start sliding down that slope.

So in my opinion, absolutely not. There is NO reason for me, or my spouse to have a close relationship with someone of the opposite sex.

We have friends of our marriage whom we hang out with together or, I'll hang out with the wife and he'll hang out with the husband, but that's it.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
hopefulmother
Member
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 6:28 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)

Yep-sounds like an EA. In addition, I don't think you can have a friendship with the opposite sex unless you are there as well. My WH went out with co-workers from work for just drinks. Since, he works with all females. Cashiers-I trusted him. There were more than one there. Only to find out that both of them liked him. One was going through a separation. The other was bored because her boyfriend just started a new job and she didn't get enough attention. He was having an EA with the bored cashier. Her boss (the other women) helped the A along by taking them out. A few months later she got back with her H, after my H was out of the picture. You just can't trust anyone without you there.


Me-BW 39
WH-39
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends for 20yrs dating since 2000
Married 10yrs with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 946 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA
Uneek
Member
Member # 38416
Default  Posted: 12:45 AM, April 24th (Wednesday)

I'll be the lone dissenter. Yes, I think people of the opposite sex can be friends. One of my good friends is a male coworker. We text, we facebook, we hang out. Generally when we hang out there is a group of us. The difference between my friendship with CW and H's friendship with his CW/AP is A) H knows about this friendship and B) I hide nothing from him. He knows about the texts, he knows about the facebook messages, he knows if we go out to dinner or CW brings me coffee or whatever.

Could it eventually turn that way? Absolutely - in fact, I have a CW right now that I could see becoming an AP if I let it. But I make sure that I am never alone with him, I am very upfront with H about him, and our conversations are purely work related.


Posts: 114 | Registered: Feb 2013
catlover50
Member
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 1:25 AM, April 24th (Wednesday)

I think it's possible for people like Uneek who have excellent boundaries and morals, but not for former waywards and not for MY fWH!

While we we in " false" R ( when he was lying about the PA that had ended) he insisted he was "just friends" with another young, female employee. I didn't have the " right" to tell him who his friends could be, and since he worked with almost exclusively women what did I expect? When I became increasingly uncomfortable he said I was being controlling. Part of what made him finally come out of his fog (besides my finding out the truth of his LTA!) was when I looked at his cell phone records and we both saw how often he was calling this girl. Although there was never the "intention" of a PA, which is how he convinced himself it was ok, he was spending emotional energy on her that was inappropriate.

Now that he is seeing clearly he doesn't even consider behavior of this sort. He's ashamed that he fought me over it. And I would no longer put up with it for a second. No female friends one on one. Period.



Dday -9/24/2012
Reconciling

Posts: 1761 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
Laura28
Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 1:28 AM, April 24th (Wednesday)

no


Married 32yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 60yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA 16+ years).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2754 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Uneek
Member
Member # 38416
Default  Posted: 2:23 AM, April 24th (Wednesday)

I think it's possible for people like Uneek who have excellent boundaries and morals, but not for former waywards and not for MY fWH!

To be fair, I am a Madhatter. I am quite a ways out, though, and know exactly what actions leds to the A and, perhaps more importantly, why I went that way.

We are only a couple months out from H's D-day but even so, I still have no problem with H texting or speaking to his female friends/coworkers, but again the boundaries are very clear. He has also taken steps to show me he is serious about R (NC with OW without me asking, taking himself off FB which was a favored form of communication for them, etc). If he were struggling to commit to R it would probably be a different story. We both recognize that the major difference between his friendship with his AP and his friendship with other women is that the AP was a secret. If you've read "Not Just Friends," these current female friends are definitely friends of the marriage.

[This message edited by Uneek at 2:24 AM, April 24th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 114 | Registered: Feb 2013
struggling3
Member
Member # 34671
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)

Funny...I just saw this question and answer in a magazine and cut it out...it said

Q: Can a man and a woman ever just be friends?

A: Well, it requires that you find each other at least vaguely repulsive. Good luck!

I agree!!


Me - BS 55
H - WS 57/very remorseful and supportive
Kids 29, 26, 22
D-Day 8-5-11
discovered 4 month long EA
R - slow and steady but very optimistic

Posts: 319 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: New Jersey
Gottagetthrough
Member
Member # 27325
Default  Posted: 1:10 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)

NO


Posts: 1401 | Registered: Jan 2010
sohowamI
Member
Member # 36671
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)

My WH has always had women 'friends.' In fact he surrounded himself with them and they were just SO happy to be his friend - especially because he 'had such a feminine side'! No, he's most definitely NOT gay!

His female friends became his lovers too. He has no boundaries. He never, ever, looked in our circle of friends but anyone on his networking circle or sports circle or even among his clients, if they were available, then the affairs began.

I think that someone who has had poor boundaries in the past with friends of the opposite sex, then no, these are now off limits. I have certainly now made this plain to my WH. I don't know how he will retrain himself not to flirt or play the field. Lots of IC and lots of messages to himself that women are not sexual objects.


WS had two LTAs of 10 years and 12 years; further 8/9 affairs; EAs, 2 OC. Looks horrific but he is fully immersed in trying to find the 'broken.' It's on-going and painful. If there's a blue sky and sunshine, then it's a good day.

Posts: 168 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: UK
libertyrocks
Member
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 1:36 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)

No. There should be no need for that. For 13 years, I was ok with WH's female friends. Now, I realize I don't deserve that. It is not ok for WH to have female friends. What for? I know I wasn't enough for WH. Not physcially, mentally, emotionally, not even to date. My WH is a fucking asshole and I cannot wait to leave his ass. I'm almost there, I can feel it.


Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,Recovering Alcoholic, M6yrs T13. Boys 2 & 4 1/2.
DDay #1 Nov,2012. 1 1/2 year false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 again Jan,2014
Filed for D Feb,2014.

Posts: 962 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
MoreWould
Member
Member # 37982
Default  Posted: 3:57 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)

Call me a Heretic if you want, but I believe that friends of the opposite sex, that is, both sexes, are a necessary part of a healthy life. But unfortunately, so many of us have such poor boundaries, self-control, and self-knowledge that eliminating opportunity is the only path that keeps us faithful. Just a Dry Drunk I say.


Me BH/WH, 63
Her WW/BW, 62
Her DDay Dec 1976 OMW at the door
My DDay, ~ 2years later, confessed ONS the next day
R via "Sweeping under the rug"
Still married, 40 yrs, mostly OK
2 kids, 24 & 20

Posts: 357 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Colorado
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 4:13 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)

Depends on boundaries. Friendships with potential sex partners work fine when both friends' boundaries are strong.

A corollary is that a person with strong boundaries keeps a potential friend with weak boundaries at a distance.

My rule is not doing or saying anything that I wouldn't want my W to see or hear, except WRT a surprise gift for my W. That hasn't been a difficult rule for me to follow.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10370 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Sienna500
Member
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 4:20 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)

My H has girl friends and I've never worried in the past.

I did have a wobble not long after DDay but they were my issues, not his.

The only male friends I have are his friends really. His best friend is sort of my friend but his allegiance would of course be with my H.


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
MoreWould
Member
Member # 37982
Default  Posted: 6:34 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)

Sisoon,

I'm totally with you on keeping friends with weak boundaries at a distance, and following the "Spouse See" rule at all times.

But your comment about "potential sex partners" rang a different bell. If we can't have straight friends of the opposite sex, are we also banned from gay friends of the same sex? And how can we be sure which is which?

Boundaries, boundaries. Know thyself, and to thyself be True.


Me BH/WH, 63
Her WW/BW, 62
Her DDay Dec 1976 OMW at the door
My DDay, ~ 2years later, confessed ONS the next day
R via "Sweeping under the rug"
Still married, 40 yrs, mostly OK
2 kids, 24 & 20

Posts: 357 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Colorado
RightTrack
Member
Member # 36976
Default  Posted: 9:32 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)

I can. Wh? Only with a very few women who are "friends of the marriage".

Posts: 629 | Registered: Sep 2012
What2Thnk
Member
Member # 37863
Default  Posted: 10:47 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)

Not just no, HELL NO. After two A's with HSXGF's when WS swore up and down they were 'just friends' while he was in the fog, there's no chance I will EVER trust the 'just friends' line again.


Me (BS) 42
Him (WS) 43
DD #1 7/19/10 2 year LTA EA/PA w/MOW - HSXGF#1
DD #2 6/6/12 4 mo EA (PA?) w/HSXGF#2
DD #3 12/15/12 3 week EA with random stranger
A whole crapload of gaslighting, minimizing, blameshifting, rugsweeping and TT.

Posts: 183 | Registered: Dec 2012
Betrayed67
Member
Member # 38134
Default  Posted: 10:51 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)

The Rules we have signed prohibit friendships with the opposite sex who are not friends of the marriage. After his infidelity, WH is now very conscious of how he interacts with the opposite sex. I told him one more episode of infidelity and I will "bring him down" and he will not know what hit him!


Me-BW 46 yo;Him - WH 53 yo
Married 13years
One daughter together 9yo, 2 stepchildren(His from previous marriage)
Various DDdays (see my profile)
ONS and multiple "friendships" with women in various online dating sites

Posts: 131 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: New Zealand
summerain
Member
Member # 37439
Default  Posted: 10:55 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)

I have friends of the opposite sex, but they are WH's friends as well. I only ever meet up with them with him.

My other male friends are apart of a group. Never one on one, no fb messages etc etc.

:)


OW1 inadvertently let me know WH loves English breakfast tea. Never ever saw him drink it. And I never will.

Posts: 818 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Australia
cdnmommy
Member
Member # 30182
Default  Posted: 11:59 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)

I have had good male friends throughout my marriage until FWH's A completely derailed all my friendships. It has never been an issue, but I have always had very clear boundaries. These included not discussing overly personal things (and especially anything that showed my FWH in a bad light or my relationship with him) as well as complete transparency with FWH. I believed that FWH had the same boundaries as I did, since we discussed it often enough even though we didn't use the term "boundaries".

Even after DDay when male friends knew something was wrong (even if they didn't know what it was), and even when I thought I was going to divorce my FWH, I maintained those boundaries. It was tempting to run down my FWH when I was really angry, but I felt like I owed it to myself not to compromise my own values.

So, is it possible? I think it is. Is it advisable? Maybe not. With all the infidelity that occurs it feels like many people are not capable of it.


Me: BW
DDay: Oct 2010 + 6 weeks false R
2.5 (+?) year A with married coworker/my "friend"
1 great kid.
Reconciling and healing

Posts: 1742 | Registered: Nov 2010
idiot85
Member
Member # 38934
Default  Posted: 6:15 AM, April 25th (Thursday)

I have a few friends who are girls- why shouldn't I? I have naturally strong boundaries I would never cross any line and if someone did with me- well- we certainly wouldn't be friends!!!

The Mrs doesn't really have any opposite sex friends- I would probs think it was a odd if she made a new friend that was a guy but I would have before.

We hang out in a group and it's probably around 50/50 a few of my mates are definitely her mates too. I don't worry about her cheating on me with a friend of mine- I don't think it would happen.


BH-29 (me)
WW-28

Multi famam, conscientiam, pauci verentur.


Posts: 575 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Old Blighty
AFrayedKnot
Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 6:30 AM, April 25th (Thursday)

Thinking back over my opposite sex friendships throughout my life, there were very very few that the thought of "What if?" Didn't cross my mind. Even if it was a very quick passing thought.

And if I think about the very few that "What if?" Didn't cross my mind. I am sure it crossed theirs.

Even with the best boundaries in the world, given the right set of circumstances, any of us could break them.

I am not going to take that chance.


BS 40
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2631 | Registered: Aug 2012
Thorston
Member
Member # 38709
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, April 25th (Thursday)

This has really confused me since I have realized that there is such thing as an EA. Both myself and WW have had friends of the opposite sex. I have a few female friends that I would consider very good friends, but that is all they are. Since I have become friends with them, I have never thought of them as anything more then friends. I even lived with one for a couple years when I met my WW.

My WW has male friends that I have never thought would be more then that, but now, I am posting on this webiste, so I was obviously wrong. If we ever did R, this will be a very hard thing for me, because she does have a lot of male friends, and i don't think that she has feelings for them as anything more. But, she cheated on me with a "Friend" before, so how do I know it won't happen again with another "Friend".

AGhhhh!


Me: BH – 38
Her: WW – 34
Married: 4 years, togther 8
D-Day #1 10/20/12
D-Day #2 12/23/12
EA>PA 2/2/2013
D-Day #3 3/2/12

Posts: 63 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: ON, Canada
RockyMtn
Member
Member # 37043
Default  Posted: 6:25 PM, April 25th (Thursday)

I agree with the previous poster (April, I think)...don't assume gay friends of the opposite sex are safe just because they are gay. OW2 in my case was in an openly gay live-in partnership. In fact, her sexual orientation came up when they were "just friends" and it gave me a false sense of comfort that she was safe. Same as you see here where some WS have affairs with people of the same sex. Sexual orientation is not a black and white thing. Its a continuum for most people. Your "very" straight wife may not be as straight as you think after all. Really, its boundaries, not sexual orientation, that matters when it comes to fidelity.

Thinking back over my opposite sex friendships throughout my life, there were very very few that the thought of "What if?" Didn't cross my mind. Even if it was a very quick passing thought.

To go back to my continuum, i think I am on the straighter side of it. Ha! Anyway, I agree, Chicho. I'm a tomboy and have had as many male friends and female friends over the years. My experience is much like yours - there have only been 2 men in my life where I can honestly say there was absolutely zero/nada/not ever a passing thought of dating/kissing/whatever. They were very much friendships - just that there are flickers there. And that's just it - that's part of being a human. Again, its boundaries that matter.

I wonder what a "friend" is anyway. I have a few male co-workers who I chit chat with - about their hobbies, partners/girlfriends, families, etc. I've gone out to dinner with them when traveling. But I wouldn't call them friends. They give me a good male perspective and some male variety in my life, but there isn't a closeness there. Are these OK for us and for our WS? Or must they isolate completely?

My other thought on this whole topic is - why is everyone so comfortable with friends of the opposite sex so long as they are friends of the marriage or "my girlfriends are the only female friends my WH has"? You only have to go over to the Double Betrayal thread on ICR to see that there are many friends of the marriage or personal best friends who turned out to be bad fucking eggs and the affair developed in the context of "friends of the marriage" right under the BS' nose. Fact of the matter is, lots of trustworthy, close people turn into WS or OPs.

Which is why I think it is all about boundaries. All about them. The opposite sex is everywhere. Being friends or not doesn't promote or prevent infidelity. Just look at all the people who have As with folks they weren't friends with at all. Unless you're going to remove the opposite sex from the face of the earth, boundaries is where you need to shore up, not in allowing or disallowing in black and white terms certain types of people.

Having said all of that, I think it is more than legit and probably helpful to limit friendships if that makes R easier for any reason. I know I'd have a really hard time if my WH all the sudden paraded a close personal female friend around. I just would, regardless of whether it makes logical sense.


Me, BS, 30s
Him, WS, 30s, Steppenwolf
Kids: Yep
D-Day 1: September 2011, 6 week EA
D-Day 2: January 2013, discovered EA was a PA; there was another PA in 2010. All TT.
Goal = serenity.

Posts: 667 | Registered: Oct 2012
healingk
Member
Member # 28889
Default  Posted: 10:34 PM, April 25th (Thursday)

NO NO NO !!! One of our conditions for R is that my WH can not have FREINDS of the opposite sex unless it is a friend of mine and the Marriage. I never thought anything about my WH's friends before, but the A was with a so called friend of his. So the answer is NO!


Ws 59
Bs me--57
Married 39 years
D Day 11/30/08
Just trying to feel normal.It is getting there, but very slow.

Posts: 178 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Tennessee
Topic Posts: 33