SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Reconciliation
User Topic: "just" an affair?
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 6:55 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)

I am in a good spot today...so I thought I would express something my wife and I wrestle with.

The A that my wife brought into our family is simply the most traumatic experience of my life. I dont need to expand on that because everyone on here knows what I am talking about...nothing unique here.

Here is my philisophical dilema.

People with cancer, horribly burned people, children with disabilities, the list goes on....these are "real" tragedies....right?

See, this is what my wife and I discuss from time to time. Yes, adultery is bad...but no one is dying, no physical pain is experienced, no noticable shortening of life is occuring. On good days we mention how lucky we are...that we are NOT facing the many OTHER horrible trials that can enter a persons body and affect a family. But then I feel a little tug....saying HEY, THIS IS NO CAKE WALK!...but is that just the victim in me.

And yet...is this trauma any less impactful? Does it not alter life as we know it permenantly?

As I think about it, as I read about others who have dealt with both an A and some of the above mentioned trials of life...I really think an A is just as much of a burden as anything out there...sometimes I think it is more.

I totally see why support groups for traumatic events can be so beneficial to those experiencing similar trials. This is one reason I am fond of SI. However, I think real life group meetings of people affected by an A would be a dangerous gathering setting...due to the potential for rapid bonding occuring between people in that group...maybe I am wrong, just thought I would mention that.

I say an A is more of a burden due to the nature in which it must be carried (basically in secret)and the lack of unified support offered by those you DO confide in to us suffering from it (some say you are weak for R with a WS, some say it takes a strong man to R, others say WS deserve to be happy and should seek their true soul mates, others say soul mates are made not found, stay together for the children, children are resilent and will adapt to single parent homes, etc.).

If one is fighting cancer there is none of this wishy-washy support. The trauma we are experiencing is as life-altering as anything I can imagine. At times, I believe fighting a terminal illness would be easier.

If I were fighting cancer I could tell my boss and he would be accomodating with my work deadlines. With an A I am offered no such luxury...and yet the affect of the A definately affects how productive and focused I am at work (management position that requires problem solving skills and professional presenations).

Can you see what I am trying to convey?

No doubt I would gladly take this over seeing anyone in my family fighting cancer (MIL fought cancer untill the end...was very sad)...but this trauma is not small. But is it in the same class as other traumas?

Trying to quantify something that may not be able to be quantified.

I thank you for viewing my post.

To be sure, my wife is supportive and this thought has NEVER been used in a hostile manner...neither her or I think this is a small trial. We just respect the fact that we have healthy children and are blessed in so many other ways.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 8:35 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3746 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
Rebreather
Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 7:10 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)

I think it can be worse than any other trauma. Know why? Because it was done to us on purpose.

This is the single most traumatic thing I have ever experieced. Many say that this is worse than losing a spouse or even child.

It challenges your mental health. It scars your sense of self. The single most important person in your life, the person you believe in, trust, ripped out your guts and set them on fire and laughed while they did it.

"Just" an affair? I dont' think so. Don't sell your pain short. And for all it is worth, do not EVER let your wayward attempt to do so.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6484 | Registered: Jan 2011
karmahappens
Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 7:11 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)

My BIL lost his wife shortly after dday.Just didn't wake up one morning...gone.

I would opt for my path over his/hers any day. She was only in her 30's...he has yet to recover.

My husband and I ...at least we had the chance.

The A was devastating to us...and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. But I also would opt for my pain than any of these...

People with cancer, horribly burned people, children with disabilities, the list goes on..


ETA: But "Just and affair" doesn't cut it.

It is still a major trauma...

[This message edited by karmahappens at 7:13 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)]


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaďs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3822 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
SuperDuperWonderboy
Member
Member # 34716
Default  Posted: 7:18 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)

HEY, THIS IS NO CAKE WALK!...but is that just the victim in me.

That is not the statement of a victim. Nothing wrong with recognizing the trauma and pain.

[This message edited by wonderboy at 7:29 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)]


My Friends call me Wonderboy--That's Mr. SuperduperWonderboy to you Tred.


Posts: 1290 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Everett
sri624
Member
Member # 33956
Default  Posted: 7:34 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)

gosh....the affair was horrific....i have experienced nothing worse...but for me personally....NOTHING would be worse than anything happening to my little boy. the affair broke me...and i am forever scarred....but if anything happend to my son, i would want to jump off of a bridge. i have the choice to divorce a cheating husband, and move on with my life....heck maybe even get another chance at happienss....i cant get a dead loved one back.


BS (41):(Former Doormat)
WS (39):(Busted Cheater)
Married: 10 years, 3 kids under 5
DD1: 10/11 PA/EA with pilates instructor/former stripper.
DD2: 10/12 False r, cheating with other women, online dating,Substance abuse issues.
R:Last chance

Posts: 956 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Alabama
Lucky
Member
Member # 6864
Default  Posted: 8:00 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)

This is the single most traumatic thing I have ever experienced - it has created PTSD, that's how traumatized I was.


♥ WINE - the other fruit juice! ♥


Posts: 36162 | Registered: Apr 2005
BEM817
Member
Member # 35104
Default  Posted: 8:37 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)

Timely post blake steel...

I've been following the blog of a woman who recently lost her child. It's raw, gut wrenching stuff. I don't think I could ever fathom losing one of my precious children. That being said, Rebreather's response hit the nail on the head for me. The selfish acts that were committed were done purposefully. This sweet mama had no choice or say in her situation, neither did we as the betrayed.

But her child's passing was out of her control, out of the child's control. Our waywards made conscious decisions that would ultimately hurt us. If any of them, including my WH, would try to refute that I call BS. There was a high price to pay for what they did.

No, it's never "just an affair"


Married 14 years, together for 20
BS Me - 42
WS Husband - 43
Two Kids 8 & 9
DDay 3/15/12 8 month EA. PA for 5 of those months.

Posts: 164 | Registered: Mar 2012
tooanalytical
Member
Member # 22306
Default  Posted: 9:28 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)

I am convinced that my life has been shortened because of the A. For at least two years my chest literally hurt (heartache?). I lost weight. Went on blood pressure meds and antacids. I look older, feel older.

I agree I wouldn't want to lose anyone to death but early on I thought the betrayal was worse. When a spouse dies, they wanted to stay alive and be with you. When a spouse purposely kills the marriage, totally disrespects you with an A, it feels the same as a death. You lost something you thought you had and the person you love chose to leave you. I felt like I lost everything that was important in life and my whole 40+ years was living a lie.


Me BH 44
FWW 44
Married 21 years
D-Day Apr 29, 2008
Children: 19,17,14
EA/PA - 1 year
Status: R

Posts: 280 | Registered: Jan 2009
flup
Member
Member # 21259
Default  Posted: 9:46 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)

Maybe, to a wayward, it can't be equated to something as traumatic as a death, or a rape. Then, they would have to face what a horrible thing they've done.

My fWW was stunned to hear that I considered her to be a worse peron than a neighbor that has had 3 kids out of wedlock, and twins with her current beau. I told her "At least she didn't have sex with other women's husbands."

Not much said after that.


Me: BS 55
Her: fWW 50

D-Day #1: 12 Aug. 2008. WW's 2nd affair w/college teacher.
D-Day #2: 18 June 2009. Affair #1 with neighbor was fall of 2002 - while I was coping with the fallout from 9/11.
Still trying to R.
22 years married


Posts: 430 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Ohio
happierdays
Member
Member # 38537
Default  Posted: 9:49 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)

Such a thought provoking post. Coping with his A has been nothing short of devastating, I had no clue just how life altering an A would be until it happened.

I pray never to have to deal with an infidelity again.

That being said, I'd choose his A over the loss of a family member or a disease. Mostly because it leaves me with choices, I have the choice to stay or go, the choice to make the best of this crappy situation and the choice to live the best life I can. The others options don't always give you a choice.

Following dday I could totally have handled a month off work, you nailed that one on the head!


Me - 40
WH - 41
Dday - Oct 7, 2012
Dday 2 - June 4, 2013
Married - 7 years
1 DD

Posts: 145 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada
stupidgirlme
New Member
Member # 38778
Default  Posted: 10:25 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)

I think I would agree with everyone here who mentions that it's the choice the betrayer has made, not something that just happens.

Your choice of wording really hit me right now. My husband keeps saying his life has been so filled with tragedies. Then he will list them, and yes, they are serious, and nothing anyone would choose to endure, but most are natural life happenings. I've had many things in my life that he would have classified as tragedies, by his stnadards, but I just don't look at them that way. They have all strengthened me in some way as well as brought me closer in my relationship with God. His EA started while I was in the hospital recovering from a leg amputation. Of the two things, the affair is the only one that I look at as a tragedy, and the one that has turned my world upside down the most.

I think that anything that causes pain could be looked at as being as serious as another painful thing. There really should be no scale on which one hurt tops another. They are all painful. No one else's pain is any more significant than your own.

So glad that you are able to enjoy a good day today!


~~I love listening to lies when I know the truth~~

Posts: 47 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Florida
StrongerOne
Member
Member # 36915
Default  Posted: 10:31 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)

My brave boy has been on chemo, with a few breaks, for over seven years. One year he also had to have shots at home to deal with immune system problems. I gave him those shots. Every day of those years is crushing.

My FWH's affair was horrible, and I thought it would do me in. It still hurts, and it has changed our relationship irrevocably. But I know I am strong enough to get over my FWH if I had to, to live without him after all these years. I'm changed, but not destroyed.

If my child did not make it, I would be just a shell. It would be the worst thing ever to happen to me. Because what my kid is going through and what I am going through because of it is already the worst.


DDay Feb 2011.
In R.

Posts: 865 | Registered: Sep 2012
scared&stronger
Member
Member # 15942
Default  Posted: 10:37 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)

I buried a parent after he fought cancer for a year. I was angry with God and anybody who had the nerve enough to say to me "It's for the best". But with the affair (and the discovery of previous ones) I planned my exit from life. I wanted off the roller coaster and I wanted to say F-you world. That's just me.


WS 45
BS 43

Met when we were 17 and 15. Together since 1983, married since 1985. Two kids, B21, G15.

d-day 4-3-07

Life has a way of making us get our panties in a wad.....I refuse to wear panties ever again.


Posts: 3971 | Registered: Aug 2007
FaithStricken
Member
Member # 34080
Default  Posted: 11:17 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)

I have a son who is paralyzed from a diving accident. My FWHs affair does not rank second to that. They are both horrible, very traumatic experiences. They don't compare as one was an accident and the other was a choice. Each is worse in aspects that differ from the other.

Posts: 85 | Registered: Dec 2011
everycloud
New Member
Member # 38102
Default  Posted: 2:20 AM, April 24th (Wednesday)


I've been seriouosly ill less than 1 year after Dd. The 2 things combined, the traumas of both discoveries almost killed me.

I think that anything that causes pain could be looked at as being as serious as another painful thing. There really should be no scale on which one hurt tops another
.

That's my experience,too...when phisically in pain everything else disappeared, but the pain of A was there, ready to raise its head when I started to get better. However a disease is something you can share with other people, they're ready to support you, even strangers in the streets where eager to help a hairless and frail woman..the pain of A is something to be ashamed of, to suffer alone or with few trusted friends.
What made my life a nightmare for more than 2 years was that the combination of the 2 events made feel completely helpless: a part of me wanted to leave WH, but my body was so frail, my life so depending on other people that I had to stay ( and also be thankful for his help)

I'd choose his A over the loss of a family member or a disease. Mostly because it leaves me with choices, I have the choice to stay or go, the choice to make the best of this crappy situation and the choice to live the best life I can. The others options don't always give you a choice.

Now that I'm better ( I hope) I think like this..I know that if I discover a new A, If Wh leaves me I can survive, I can go on with my life and be quite happy again: I thank God every morning when I wake up and there's no pain in my body.
Mostly I fear to be ill again, I don't know if I've enough strength left.. but this time I try to get to that prepared, to control what I can.. for example I enquired about paid help for sick people so that I wouldn't depend on WH or kids..That makes me feel stronger and more self-sufficient


Every cloud has a silver lining

Bs 58=me
Wh(?) 60=him


Posts: 48 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: EU
Fidelia
Member
Member # 38345
Default  Posted: 5:44 AM, April 24th (Wednesday)

Oh, this is going to sound awful. And this is just me, just my experience.

This whole A devastation has been more traumatic to me than the sexual assault I suffered in my late teens. You see, with that, I cut that man out of my life, I knew he didn't care for me, hadn't promised anything to me and I cared nothing for him, except to never see him again and for his penis to wither and drop off. I suffered flashbacks for months and years, although they became less. It changed me as a person and I went off the rails for a while. But I worked on me and I never saw him again.

With all of this A stuff? It was done to me again and again over a series of years by deliberate choices of WH who promised to love, cherish and be faithful to me until death. Yes, I didn't find out until Aug 2012 (fully in Dec 2012), but the harm was done, whether I knew it or not. It was done to me by the person I love. And once I discovered it, he blamed me. But unlike my previous trauma (where I had all the facts) I didn't know exactly what he had done to me and he didn't fully disclose until 4 months later. The trauma from all of that, not just from the actual harm he did, but also from the betrayal of love, that feels worse than what I suffered before.

We're working on it. I believe we can recover from it. But I also believe that he has no idea how much trauma he has caused me. And perhaps that's because if he really understood, I don't think he would feel he could ever look me in the eye again.

Part of the problem with this type of trauma is that we have to forgive the person who did this to us if we are to R. Not just as theoretical forgiveness, but a day to day, up close, gritty forgiveness. To rebuild, we have to keep reliving and facing our trauma until we can learn to live with it. It's really hard.

So I don't think we can compare this trauma with other types of trauma as a general rule. It's a different kind of trauma and only those who have been through other trauma can work out for themselves if it is 'better' or 'worse'.

[This message edited by Fidelia at 5:45 AM, April 24th (Wednesday)]


Me: BW 36
Him: WH 36 (randomusername)

"lift your drooping hands and strengthen your weak knees, and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be put out of joint, but rather be healed" Heb12v13

"Oh God give me


Posts: 296 | Registered: Feb 2013
Lucky2HaveMe
Member
Member # 13333
Default  Posted: 6:32 AM, April 24th (Wednesday)

No matter what happens in our lives, there will always be someone who has it *worse.* That shouldn't diminish the trauma of an A or any other trauma we may encounter.

We need to allow ourselves to FEEL - the good, the bad, and the ugly - without guilt.


Indian wisdom says our lives are rivers. We are born somewhere small and quiet and we move toward a place we cannot see, but only imagine. From Tending Roses

Posts: 6439 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: WNY
idiot85
Member
Member # 38934
Default  Posted: 6:47 AM, April 24th (Wednesday)

I think it's a different type of trauma and never "just" and affair.

Saying that, yes there is worse- if anything happened to my family it would be harder for me personally and death is so final BUT this is in someones control- they have chosen to take you down a path that 'could' lead to heartbreak so really- I think it's the worse thing anyone could do that is in their control- especially when they say they love you.

Hope that makes sense!


BH-29 (me)
WW-28

Multi famam, conscientiam, pauci verentur.


Posts: 575 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Old Blighty
StillGoing
Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 6:53 AM, April 24th (Wednesday)

Comparing traumas is never useful or constructive unless it's in regards to legal repercussions because it serves no purpose other than to minimize. In some cases that can be helpful but telling someone it was "just rape" when they could have anal cancer and their entire family is dying from radiation poisoning is just a shitty thing to do.

There is always something worse out there. While it's something to be thankful for, it doesn't diminish the damage done to our own lives, because at the same time we are the something worse to someone else.

As for physical effects... they do happen. Stress is a major influence on health.


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7451 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
RockyMtn
Member
Member # 37043
Default  Posted: 6:55 AM, April 24th (Wednesday)

I get what you're saying.

Infidelity has been an opportunity for me in a lot of ways. Opportunity to grow, to find new ways of living and dealing. It has created an opportunity in my marriage that I'm not sure we would've had without the rock bottom of infidelity (my husband got sober. Not downplaying the gutwrenching pain. At all.
I think those opportunities can be harder to find - but totally there - in tragedies that end with death or severe illness.

I think what you say about unified support is absolutely spot on. Death or physical illness is cut and dried in terms of how the vast majority will respond.

I totally see why support groups for traumatic events can be so beneficial to those experiencing similar trials. This is one reason I am fond of SI. However, I think real life group meetings of people affected by an A would be a dangerous gathering setting...due to the potential for rapid bonding occuring between people in that group...maybe I am wrong, just thought I would mention that
.

I agree. I don't know why, but I do. Group support is notorious in general for sparking affairs. I have no issue with bonding generally. Even bonding with the opposite sex. But...even us BS' with proven ironclad boundaries - we're not always in our right mind for awhile.


Me, BS, 30s
Him, WS, 30s, Steppenwolf
Kids: Yep
D-Day 1: September 2011, 6 week EA
D-Day 2: January 2013, discovered EA was a PA; there was another PA in 2010. All TT.
Goal = serenity.

Posts: 667 | Registered: Oct 2012
wert
Member
Member # 34478
Default  Posted: 7:59 AM, April 24th (Wednesday)

While I tend to think that comparing tragedy is mostly worthless I do think a separation of the kinds of tragedy is important.

Child dying, cancer or illness are all fate, folly or god in cause.

With an A,a person inflicts the pain.

For me the difference is my reaction and expectation of people I love and life. I can't control my child's cancer. I can love them, provide the best care and comfort possible, but I can't stop it. My W's A? I can't change what happen, but I can clearly lay out what I expect as behavior moving forward if she wants to maintain a relationship with me.

In either case my internal cleansing or healing is mine. I need to reconcile with myself. The path is different for different kinds of healing and the development of my story and how it interweaves with life events is mine to create.

My W's A was far from the worst thing that happened in my life - with a little time between discovery and now. I can see that calling it that or assigning that much value to their pathetic attempt at connection degrades my experiences. I do choose to minimize the hurt on some level at this point. I choose that not because it did not hurt, but because it assigns to much credit to her actions.

I think that is why change is central to me in the rest of my M. My W must earn her M back. She must earn that M back through dedication not to me, but to herself. She must become a person with boundaries, with insight, with humility, with vulnerability to me and with expressions of all those things. Otherwise their is another women waiting around the corner.

My healing? I have learned from my W's A more than from the other tragedies in my life. I have learned what I need and want from others and what I expect from my life partner. For those things I am grateful.

I am also grateful for my fathers battle with cancer. I got a year and a half with him with the knowledge of his death coming. I, we, could and did, get to say the things we wanted to say to one anther.

From both I have learned a humility I would not have ever known. They are not the same, but different experiences on the same surface. Pain and hurt are great teachers if we allow them to be.

Does it not alter life as we know it permanently?

Both kinds of trauma do this. Separating them out, finding the lessons and learning from them have been and continue to be the key for me, not comparing them. Treating the hurts as the individual and important events they are.

take care...



Posts: 1428 | Registered: Jan 2012
7yrsflushed
Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 8:24 AM, April 24th (Wednesday)

I think it can be worse than any other trauma. Know why? Because it was done to us on purpose.
^^^This.

Cancer, birth defects, family memeber getting hit by a train, all those things could be attributed to bad luck, fate, God, or lack of God depending on your stance...but they are all things that you have no control over and do NOT see coming.

A's on the other hand are an intentional assualt on a Spouse perpetrated by the person that is supposed to have your back through EVERYTHING. It is the biggest "F U" they can give you and they do it on purpose.

I can accept a family member dying because everyone dies, I can accept someone getting sick because it happens. There is nothing I can do to control that but a WS intentionally has an A and that WAS in their control.

I am almost 2 years out and the A's and her inability to own her shit were in fact deal breakers for me. I have always gone about life with a fairly level headed attitude. By that I mean I understand that everyone dies. My parents will not be around forever, someone will become deathly ill, I even almost died in my early 20's. I didn't live in a bubble so I "get it" bad stuff happens. There are many bad things in the world but their is a difference between randomly receiving a bad hand and someone intentionally stacking the deck against you.

Yes in order to R there has to be an understanding and a sort of moving on into the new M but IMO maybe a little more digging needs to be done if soemone's method of coping boils down to "there are worse things in life than this". I could get hit by a bus tomorrow but if my WW is driving the bus that kind of skews things a bit.

ETA: trauma is trauma and i guess the main thing is how people cope. Having a truly remorseful spouse goes a long way to how you get through this and to some extent your view on the entire thing when you reach a state of healing. For me, I learned a lot from this whole fiasco and for the most part I am healed but I had to heal on my own so my view is colored from that aspect.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 8:31 AM, April 24th (Wednesday)]


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Divorced 9/2/14 and loving life!

Posts: 1905 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 8:31 AM, April 24th (Wednesday)

As some have previously stated, comparing an affair with other tragedies just isn't helpful. It is comparing apples and oranges.

I have suffered tragedies in my life. I don't equate my FWH's infidelity as the greatest tragedy in my life.

However, I do feel that to some people it is the greatest tragedy they have ever suffered. Maybe they haven't lost a child, or any loved one, suffered debilitating disease, whatever. In short, they have lived a life free from tragedy, and I can imagine how shocking and tragic an affair is to them. They have never experienced any kind of pain that ever reached this level of emotional pain. It is the greatest pain and suffering they have ever had.

That being said, it is never "just" an affair. I suffered greatly (still do) from my FWH's infidelity.

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 7:11 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)]


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9702 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Diva0702
Member
Member # 32309
Default  Posted: 8:33 AM, April 24th (Wednesday)

As an aside to this fascinating debate, may I just add that the significant stress levels that arise from such an enormously affective psychological trauma in the event of an A create physiological symptoms in many, and exacerbate existing conditions.


This is not to compare to life threatening illnesses but more to highlight how the human body is affected by prolonged high levels of stress.

Such a serious psychological event for so many is certainly, as all have agreed, not 'just an affair'.


Me: BW 53
Him: FWH 47
4 wonderful grown children
2 beautiful grandchildren
Married 20 years
Together 23 years
Dday March 10 2010. 4 yr A.
Me: RGN(ret), N.Dip.,BA(Psych),MA (Psych),BA Music.
OW: 55 year old taxi driver

Posts: 333 | Registered: May 2011 | From: UK
zen2011
Member
Member # 38459
Default  Posted: 8:44 AM, April 24th (Wednesday)

This is a very thought provoking post.

As a survivor to two separate cancers over the past two years, I have to say that the trauma of infidelity is in a totally different category.

When fighting an illness such as cancer you are given a set of options with expected outcomes for each. You pick the best option and you start your battle with the intent of ending the fight above ground. That sounds pretty callous but that's how it is. You don't question how or why you ended up with the disease, you just have to filter through the advice, pick your direction, and keep a positive attitude until you hear the good news that you will survive to fight another day.

This sounds like good advise to a BS but the difference lies in the fact that during a medical trauma, you are given all the facts and all the truth, so a definite decision can be derived.

I have told my WW several times that "the infidelity" was worse than the cancers. I could fight the cancer because I had all the facts. There was no TT from doctors x, y, and z. There is no good advise, no options with known outcomes, and no living or dying in the end. Just limbo.


BS(me) 50
fWS 41
M 13 yrs
2 kids (9-11)

Posts: 54 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Gulf Coast
DWBH
Member
Member # 35512
Default  Posted: 8:46 AM, April 24th (Wednesday)

Perspective is everything, right? Compared to many other humans on this planet, I live an awesome life. I have everything I could ever want, materially. I've never been hungry, never have been shelter-less, never been inflicted with any horrible disease.

Yet in my life, I've experienced a lot of death/loss from those very close to me. Attended a dozen funerals before I graduated high school; my father's, grandparents, uncles, cousins, friends. Watched my sister take her last breath at age 41, after suffering various organ failure over the course of 10 years.

I have no hesitation in saying my wife's A has been the worst thing I've experienced in my life. Saying goodbye to a loved one is so difficult and painful, yet there is a finality to it. If you could graph a "pain curve", death would have a very high rating, sustained for a very short time, with a fairly predictable curve downwards.

The pain graph on the A would look like someone riding in a Jeep, over rocky ground, during an earthquake, trying to draw a straight line. Completely unpredictable spikes and dips, and so far, very little downward trend.


Me: BH, 43
Her: FWW, 41 (ThornyRose)
M: 16 years, together 19
2 Daughters: 14 and 12
D Day: 9/25/2011; Lies & TT to 5/4/2012
~Double betrayal; caught them in the act~

Posts: 729 | Registered: May 2012 | From: WI
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, April 24th (Wednesday)

I've said our M was 'very good', but it never was perfect. We spent a lot of time on the Drama Triangle 'fighting for the Victim position', and that involved a lot of comparing 'pain'. So I hate to compare the effect of traumas.

But I'm a historian. I've read posts from fellow members who have suffered the loss of a loved one. Some said the loss of the loved one was worse. Some said the A was worse. I think each person who suffers multiple traumas gets to - has to - choose how to integrate the trauma into his head.

I think what's important is that we recognize an A as a big trauma and not try to stuff our feelings/rug-sweep.

It's never 'just an affair', except possibly for relationships none of us would recognize as committed.

[This message edited by sisoon at 9:56 AM, April 24th (Wednesday)]


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10162 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 10:13 AM, April 24th (Wednesday)

Excellent, sisoon.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9702 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Rebreather
Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 11:49 AM, April 24th (Wednesday)

Maybe they haven't lost a child, or any loved one, suffered debilitating disease, whatever. In short, they have lived a life free from tragedy, and I can imagine how shocking and tragic an affair is to them. They have never experienced any kind of pain that ever reached this level of emotional pain. It is the greatest pain and suffering they have ever had.

I really disagree with this. This isn't the biggest trauma I've experienced just because I haven't had other trauma. I certainly have. The just simply hit me in a different place. It hit me in the core of my being and shook my entire concept of reality.

But if I could save the life of my child by going through this again? Of course I would. I would relive dday every day if I could spare my children. But that isn't a choice we are given or a power we have. Since we can't trade our pain, we can't compare it in that way.

Like Sisoon said, I think the most critical part of this is to NOT minimize your pain as "just an affair" or that it isn't so bad because it could be cancer. I think that is dangerous and leads to rug sweeping.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6484 | Registered: Jan 2011
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)

Rebreather, I was talking about people who have never suffered a tragedy. Of course having your spouse have an affair is the biggest tragedy you have ever had. If nothing tragic happened in your life ever, this would be the worst automatically.

I am saying they have nothing to compare it to. Some of us do have something to compare it to, and we all make decisions on what was the greatest tragedy or trauma to us.

I don't understand what you are disagreeing about, sometimes I can be obtuse, but it sounds like you do agree.

This isn't the biggest trauma I've experienced just because I haven't had other trauma. I certainly have. The just simply hit me in a different place


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9702 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
sohowamI
Member
Member # 36671
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)

No. Not 'just' an affair.

This was far worse than anything that I had experienced in my life. Worse than my father killing himself and worse than one of my children having a severe mental illness. My WH could 'hide' from his affairs under the guise of his 'torment'.

My WH deliberately and with foresight has had multiple affairs and a twelve year 'love' affair. I didn't exist as a person either in his eyes or hers. The negation of my very self; the fact that he didn't love or care or consider me enough to lie, deceive, love her, create children, STDs - you name it - is far, far worse.

It has changed me irrevocably - for worse and for better.


WS had two LTAs of 10 years and 12 years; further 8/9 affairs; EAs, 2 OC. Looks horrific but he is fully immersed in trying to find the 'broken.' It's on-going and painful. If there's a blue sky and sunshine, then it's a good day.

Posts: 167 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: UK
crazyblindsided
Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 2:31 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)

think it can be worse than any other trauma. Know why? Because it was done to us on purpose.

This is the single most traumatic thing I have ever experieced. Many say that this is worse than losing a spouse or even child.

It challenges your mental health. It scars your sense of self. The single most important person in your life, the person you believe in, trust, ripped out your guts and set them on fire and laughed while they did it.

Rebreather I agree with you!

I have many scars that I keep, each of them have been traumatic in their own unique way, but my WH's infidelity is by far the worst trauma I have had happen to me yet. I actually think that losing one of my children would be worse than my WH's A because I can get rid of him, but I could never get my babies back if that were to happen.


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
VD2012
Member
Member # 36317
Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)

wert, absolutely awesome post. I very much agree with everything you wrote and feel much the same about the nature of tragedies and personal healing.


SisterMilkshake,

However, I do feel that to some people it is the greatest tragedy they have ever suffered. Maybe they haven't lost a child, or any loved one, suffered debilitating disease, whatever. In short, they have lived a life free from tragedy, and I can imagine how shocking and tragic an affair is to them. They have never experienced any kind of pain that ever reached this level of emotional pain. It is the greatest pain and suffering they have ever had.

I agree with this sentiment a lot. I also believe it's why I have been able to adapt, continue healing and generally recover faster than I likely would. My life was one bullshit event to the next from my conception. I'm sadly used to dealing with traumas and "tragedies". My wife's affair has probably affected me the worst emotionally than anything else, but everything prior and my handling of things has equipped me with the skills to deal with it, Thus, it's actually not been the worst thing to happen to me in life.

For others, especially those who haven't had to cope or deal much in life, and those who haven't had to develop the emotional and mental tools to deal with deep emotional pain, this shit must feel like armageddon.

Anyways, an affair is never "just" anything. Why has been discussed already so I have nothing to add. Regardless of anything minimizing pain and suffering is the worst thing that anyone can do to their own pain or that of others. People feel what they feel, and every person feels things in their own similar yet different way.


Me: 28 ~ Her (FR2012): 27
Together: 9 years, 2 children
D-Day: April 19, 2012

Surrender to the truth of life.


Posts: 466 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Traversing Dark Places With The Light of Truth
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 3:06 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)

This is the single most traumatic thing I have ever experieced. Many say that this is worse than losing a spouse or even child.
Yes, I have read those threads, too. And as someone who has lost a child that is unbelievably painful for me to read and to even wrap my head around.

I have recieved pm's from other mothers here who have lost children. We are shocked that anyone would/could feel that way, but everyone is entitled to their feelings.

You know, I am kicking myself in the ass for even reading this thread. I know better. This will be the last time I do this to myself, and this is totally on me because no one here has said this, this is all my feelings.

But, when I read threads like this I feel like "people" are saying my child's life was negligible. His life wasn't negligible. It was the biggest tragedy the world has ever seen. Because it was my child! It broke my heart like no one's heart has ever been broken. Because it was my child!

I don't think of just what I have lost. No, my greatest pain, the worst trauma, comes from what my child has lost.

I am sorry, what has happened on purpose or by accident, doesn't make a bit of difference to me in so far as how traumatic it feels in either circumstance.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9702 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
crazyblindsided
Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 3:26 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)

(((SisterMilkshake)))

My heart breaks with you sweetie. I'm so sorry


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
Rebreather
Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)

Sister, I can't imagine anyone saying that or thinking that. Nor is it wrong for those who have lost children to still feel like this is the worst trauma in their life. I don't think anyone is trying to compare. And that is the thrust of this message; don't compare. Allow yourself to feel the pain of this experience without judging yourself for it. Otherwise I fear it will increase the healing time for many.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6484 | Registered: Jan 2011
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 4:46 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)

Nor is it wrong for those who have lost children to still feel like this is the worst trauma in their life
And this is why I need to, in the future, to keep my eyes, mouth, butt, opinions and feelings out of threads like these, for me.

Thanks, crazy.

Note to self *the Dude abides, the Dude abides, the Dude abides, the Dude abides.*


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9702 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
still-living
Member
Member # 30434
Default  Posted: 10:18 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)

On D-Day, I discovered the levy was dry. Discovering the affair was an actual death of everything as I knew it, and the memories were not so fond. But make it through, and it's the start of a new era.


BH(me)47
WW 47 FOO Issues
DDay 11/09 Coworker
High School Sweethearts
Married 06/91
8 months TT
Sons 19 and 14
Recovery is constructing a pyramid of inference from which to see clearer.
The process involves using the reflexive loop.

Posts: 747 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Ches
Kelany
Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 7:46 AM, April 25th (Thursday)

I wrote about this in my blog last year.

This was a subject that recently came up on one of the infidelity sites that I go to. A member posed the question to other members. Is infidelity the worst thing (pain) you’ve ever experienced in your life thus far?

Overwhelmingly the response was yes. People replied that this was worse that the loss of a loved one, worse that being in the military during combat time, worse than suffering through abuse and trauma as a child.

And I have to say I agree. Emphatically. This is the worst pain that I’ve ever felt in my life. Though I am healing, I’m still struggling through this “journey” as I call it. It’s not a sprint, it’s a marathon. It is a process.

You grieve, just like grieving for the loss of a loved one. I think it was the second session we had with our therapist where she recommended the book On Death and Dying because she said to me that I would have to go through the stages of grief. And given that the pain from losing someone you love lasts forever, the pain from an affair, also lasts forever.

But what makes this harder, is that death? Happens. Sometimes expected, sometimes sudden, we go through life knowing that it happens. We are exposed to it from the time we are young. We are allowed to process, grieve, and deal with the pain. Death, is final, and eventually, we realize, that we are going to lose our loved ones through death. Some sooner than we should, but, we know that it will happen. Though not intentional, it’s more “acceptable” and most often, we are able to process it with time. (I’m not going to touch on traumatic death right now.)

With an affair however, it’s an intentional choice. An intentional choice that is KNOWN to cause pain. Our wayward partner KNOWS ahead of time, that his/her choice will cause pain, will cause hurt, will absolutely betray and crush us, and they still choose to go forward with the affair. And we are left bewildered and wondering why, the person we trusted the most, would intentionally hurt us so deeply. And the process isn’t final. Because of the aftermath of an affair, usually with gas lighting, trickle truth, sometimes when the affair goes underground or through a false recovery, we’re always waiting for that other shoe to drop. The betrayals are numerous, the hurt is limitless. We’re paranoid that the hurt will always come back and bite us again. We try to pick up the pieces, put ourselves back together again, and something else comes along to push us back down. Maybe a new truth discovered, another hurt inflicted on us, or just a partner unwilling to help us heal in a manner that we need to heal.

Then as we heal, we struggle because the triggers, the reminders, the constant struggles that we have to deal with, they don’t go away. Sure, they lessen over time, but they don’t ever go away entirely. And the doubt…it always plagues us. because once you’ve been through this, you never trust your partner fully again. And you SHOULDN’T. You should never trust blindly. So in some ways, you wonder…what if?? The adage now that has become my mantra…trust, but verify. So if I look at our phone bill, and I see a new number on that? My heart skips a beat until I know who it is. If my husband works later than usual? I worry, not really for his safety anymore, like I used to, but my worry now is…is there someone with him? Every time I hear his cell phone chime that he’s gotten a text message, my stomach drops. If he could do this to me once, after being married for 11 years, could he say in another 5? 10? 15??? I will always have a level of suspicion about me.

When a loved one dies, they aren’t doing it to hurt you. They aren’t doing it intentionally. They aren’t trying to put you through hell.

When your partner cheats on you, they leave a wreckage in your life that you never fully recover from. No matter how much healing, how many books, how much therapy, how many hours you put in trying to repair your relationship, you are traumatized for the rest of your life in a way that can’t ever be fixed completely.

For me, I’ve been through childhood sexual abuse, the loss of some very close loved ones, two miscarriages, pain medication addiction and 5 years of chronic health issues. NONE of them compared to the pain and trauma of infidelity. Nothing has ever made me want to feel physical pain in my life to escape my emotional pain. I’ve dealt with a lot of blows. This? Shattered me. Changed who I was, to my very core. I will be gluing those pieces of me back together forever.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
Kelany
Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 7:54 AM, April 25th (Thursday)

Maybe an affair isn't the worst thing for EVERYONE. But for some it is.

And to say across the board that it shouldn't be or that because they haven't experienced a big enough tragedy, that's just wrong.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 8:26 AM, April 25th (Thursday)

And to say across the board that it shouldn't be or that because they haven't experienced a big enough tragedy, that's just wrong.
If that is directed at me, that isn't what I said.

But, okay, you are the winner, SB, of you hurt the most from being a victim of infidelity. Yep, more than me losing my child. You win! YAY!

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 8:27 AM, April 25th (Thursday)]


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9702 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Kelany
Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 8:27 AM, April 25th (Thursday)

Way to take what I wrote and completely twist it.

You can't say for everyone that infidelity isn't the worst they've experienced, just like I can't say for everyone that death isn't the worst they've experienced.

It wasn't directed at one single person anyway.

It would be like the comparison of who's affair is worse, an EA, a PA, a complex affair? Each person can qualify it how it means to them. I would NEVER tell someone that their pain isn't as valid as mine. I would never tell someone that they can't feel like an affair is the worst tragedy they've experienced.

[This message edited by SamanthaBaker at 8:33 AM, April 25th (Thursday)]


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 8:28 AM, April 25th (Thursday)

Who twisted who's words?


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9702 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Kelany
Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 8:35 AM, April 25th (Thursday)

I never twisted your words, I wasn't commenting directly to you. The blog post I wrote was written LAST YEAR. My comment after that was in general because several people commented on tragedies.

If you feel the loss of your child is worse, I feel that for you it is.

I feel that even with the other tragedies I've been through, infidelity is the worst for me.

Why is that hard for you to accept?


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
ohgoodgrief
Member
Member # 30538
Default  Posted: 9:20 AM, April 25th (Thursday)

To me the reason infidelity SEEMS like the worst tragedy is because it not only destroys the present..... It destroys our perception of the past and the dreams of the future.

If a family member dies or suffers illness or disfigurement or death, then at least we have the fond memories of the past to hang onto. The future may not be appealing and the present may be painful but at least we have the past to cherish.

In essence, life is a three part play consisting of the past, the present and the future. Infidelity temporarily destroys all three. Thus feeling like our whole life is destroyed. When any of the other life tragedies strike, we are able to cherish one or two of the three parts.

Our perspectives change with time and healing from any of the tragedies. On or near d day, I saw infidelity as THE WORST THING. three years out I now only see it as an unfortunate part of my life. Because of my perspective. In a very twisted way, I am grateful for the opportunity to become a better person and able to lead a more purposeful life. Had it not been for infidelity, I would never have achieved this new and wonderful life.

So now I have two of the three parts of life back. My present is wonderful and my future is bright......my past is still tainted with pain and trauma...... But the pain is fading.

Change your perspective and change your life. Lead a life of purpose and become a better person. Infidelity has given you this rare opportunity.

This is only MY PERSPECTIVE.


Posts: 311 | Registered: Dec 2010
Ashland13
Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 10:57 AM, April 25th (Thursday)

Thank you for this post. It's something I can relate to.

For me, because Perv was the most primary person in my life, it is as if he died for me. However, in death there is no choice and in cheating there is...always and every time.

I have a cousin who is 33 and widower, raising his 4 year old daughter by himself. He is a role model for my daughter and I and I feel some of the most sane when we are with him, because he and she faced tragedy, loss and grief and are still going.

He is a little more extreme in parenting than I and I forsee he is raising a young narcissist, but I can also see it is a coping mechanism.

When the little girl was born, her heart was full of fluid and we almost lost her. When she was two, she was finally well, through the mother's research and the father's wish to do anything to save her. Prior to the little girl being born there was a miscarriage.

When the little girl turned 3, the mom got run over by some men driving home from work who fell asleep while driving-the driver and passenger both. She was a mile from home and on her way home, but never went home again.

The dad and I have become very close since our losses of spouse occurred. We grew up together and Perv had a ton in common with him, so my cousin feels a great loss with Perv gone. Many common shows, hobbies, and the bond of parenting only children little girls drew them together.

So when Perv made his exit, it was interesting that this cousin is one who's really come through for us. They don't live near here but we spend many occassion eve's together and the important marks in the little girl cousin's lives.

I wrote this story out to say that affairs are akin to life changing illnesses because they are that-life changing. They come as much as a blow and surprise to the family and spouse of the WS, only the person who died didn't do it on purpose.

This my widower cousin of 33 years old says as well and Perv has lost him forever as a friend. He can no longer relate to Perv or respect what he's done. He even tried to talk him back home, telling him one night last year,

"My wife can never come home and I would give my live to have what you do and what you gave up willingly." He wears both wedding rings and continues traditions, even down to collecting the Pandora beads she favored. This made me cry and its a little bit how we treat Perv's absence. Carrying on improvements at the house when we can and so forth.

I don't know if this will help anyone, but it helped me to write. Thanks to anyone who reads it.


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2239 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Ashland13
Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 11:06 AM, April 25th (Thursday)

P.S. Food for thought and irony. Do you know, Perv hooked OW in part by claiming he was a widower. He also made a false page for social networks and put that status up, with another page that had me on it and M.

However, he would not tell me any details when I asked him this winter, "How did I die?" I and some friends were very curious.

We also have a neighbor who moved, but was also a widower as well and Perv had interest in that wifes story as well. Then I found myself wondering why he felt okay sharing details about things like their sex, but not that?

I know, I know...it doesn't matter!!!

I know it's neither here nor there, just answer-seeking so I could put it out of my head.

He said, "it never came up." that he had to make an explanation, but I don't really believe that. I always wonder if he used my cousins story, but I know it doesn't matter now.


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2239 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
sportsfan
Member
Member # 9918
Default  Posted: 11:52 AM, April 25th (Thursday)

SM - i wanted to send you a PM but your PM area is full.

Posts: 1958 | Registered: Feb 2006 | From: PA
healingk
Member
Member # 28889
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, April 26th (Friday)

I read this post a few days ago, did not respond, but for some reason could not get it off my mind. I know that the affects from infidelity are different for people, but from what I read the pain is pretty close the same for all. My thoughts on this is that I would take the pain of infidelity everyday of my remaining life to save the life of my child or grandchild. With that said, I still have all my children and beautiful grandchildren, so I will say without any doubt that this A has been the worst thing that has ever happened to me in my life. I have lost my father ( my parents were divorced when I was very young, and I did not see him very much) and I have also lost my sister, my only sibling. I feel guilty for saying this but this A hurt me more that any of these two events, no one but God had control over their deaths, but my WH that I trusted with my life ripped my heart out of my chest, by his own choice. I do want to stress again that I would still repeat that pain over and over again for the life and health of my children and grandchildren.


Ws 59
Bs me--57
Married 39 years
D Day 11/30/08
Just trying to feel normal.It is getting there, but very slow.

Posts: 178 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Tennessee
Topic Posts: 49