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User Topic: Can I just get some opinions on checking wife's phone?
idiot85
Member
Member # 38934
Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, April 24th (Wednesday)

In my position where there's been no emotional affair and nothing apart from one night stands- is it weird that I can't help but check her phone?? I look at messages, calls, missed calls and even her phonebook.

This is a new thing- I never used to. The wife says she doesn't mind- that she has nothing to hide but I do feel like I'm doing something wrong- invading privacy.

I'd just like some opinions- I don't want to become paranoid so if I am being- I think I am- I want to nip it in the bud.


BH-29 (me)
WW-28

Multi famam, conscientiam, pauci verentur.


Posts: 575 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Old Blighty
simplydevastated
Member
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, April 24th (Wednesday)

No, you're not being paranoid. You're doing what you need to do to protect yourself from more hurt. There's a saying here "trust, but verify." You're lucky that she doesn't mind. She's showing transparency and that's a good thing. My husband guards his devices like a soldier at Fort Knox.


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day - listed in profile.)

Posts: 5854 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
karmahappens
Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, April 24th (Wednesday)

Oh silly...becoming paranoid is just one of the bonuses!

SEriously, it's normal. It's the way we try to control the completely uncontrollable after the A. I checked everything and made myself feel completely nuts...but it fades, with time and a WS that helps you heal (if you are going to R).

There are so many emotions and actions we BS's do after dday that don't make sense to anyone but us

Hang in there...the roller coaster is a long one (((hugs)))


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3792 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
heforgotme
Member
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 9:59 AM, April 24th (Wednesday)

You are not being paranoid, you are being smart.

If I would have been a little more "paranoid", this might never have happened.


D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1076 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
anemie
Member
Member # 37543
Default  Posted: 10:04 AM, April 24th (Wednesday)

Even though my WS is showing complete transparency and does understand my need to check the phone and emails I still feel like I'm doing something wrong. In a healthy relationship people don't feel the need to check up like that, it makes me feel worse when I do it because I realize we were not in a healthy relationship.


D-Day October 18th, 2012 D-Day2 October 5th 2013
4 kids 12,11,7, 1 and one sweet little newborn

Posts: 112 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: MA
idiot85
Member
Member # 38934
Default  Posted: 10:07 AM, April 24th (Wednesday)

How long do you reckon it will last?? I know everyone's different but...How long?!

I find myself doing it when she isn't around because it feels wrong and then I feel sneaky so 9/10 I tell her that I've looked!!!

I honestly don't know how people can sneak around- I'm struggling with reading texts!!

Edited to say: Me too anemie

[This message edited by idiot85 at 10:08 AM, April 24th (Wednesday)]


BH-29 (me)
WW-28

Multi famam, conscientiam, pauci verentur.


Posts: 575 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Old Blighty
Twitchy
Member
Member # 25393
Default  Posted: 10:09 AM, April 24th (Wednesday)

I'm of a slightly different mind. Yes, you are being paranoid. But it's a justifiable paranoia brought on by the shattering of your trust in your WW.

It's completely normal to feel this way and whether or not your WW is fine with it is immatterial. It's what you need to do to feel safer.

Keep it up as long as you need too.


BH(me)-49, FWW-43,
D-Day #1 - Oct 2007 - On-Line EA leading to a failed rendez-vous
D-Day #2 - Nov 2008 - In person EA caught early.

Away you will go, sailing in a race among the ruins.
If you plan to face tomorrow, do it soon. Gordon Lightfoot


Posts: 619 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Ontario - Canada
RyeBread
Member
Member # 37437
Default  Posted: 10:14 AM, April 24th (Wednesday)

I think its normal to want to verify honesty after being lied to and manipulated in a situation like this. I too was checking my WW's phone at first and then felt guilty, like somehow I was being the controlling/sneaky one. Its totally out of character for me and I wasn't comfortable doing it.

I finally decided I wasn't going to do that anymore because I didn't want to be in a relationship with someone where I felt the need to do that. It gets exhausting and creates a lot of anxiety for me. Not to mention if the WS's know what steps you are taking to verify honesty, they figure out new ways to go underground with it. I don't have the time for that kind of bs.


Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 1030 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
neverwantedaWW
Member
Member # 36015
Default  Posted: 10:34 AM, April 24th (Wednesday)

I suggest you ask her for the online login to the account. Then you can do it as you feel you need too. That way you don't have to feel the way your feeling about getting access to the physical device. This is what works for me/us. All the best.


Me: BS
WW EA/PA with coworker
DD OCT 14 2011
Married 19 years.

Posts: 60 | Registered: Jul 2012
idiot85
Member
Member # 38934
Default  Posted: 10:56 AM, April 24th (Wednesday)

Cheers everyone- I defo feel a bit better about it- I hope it doesn't last long though.

I know what you mean Ryebread- for me I always think how in that first weekend, following week and weekend she just acted normal even though she'd just been rammed by a couple of guys- she acted normal. Saying that- she didn't even have their numbers. Then in the second week acted all weird and then puked all the info up like a confessional. I do believe her now and I do think I trust her- only been a few months though.

Good idea Neverwanted- thing is I wouldn't know what had come in.


BH-29 (me)
WW-28

Multi famam, conscientiam, pauci verentur.


Posts: 575 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Old Blighty
callmecrazy
Member
Member # 38765
Default  Posted: 11:33 AM, April 24th (Wednesday)

After I found the sexting in the past, it took about 6 mo of regular checking then I became more sparatic and after a yr to yr1/2 I stopped. Then when things felt off again I wanted to check, but no longer had passwords and the phone was locked.
Its paranoia, but at the same time its something you need to know you can do if you want, a comfort that should be in ANY relationship infidelity or not. When they take that transparentcy away, it only heightens your fears. In NO marriage should you not be able to pick up and use your spouses phone or check an email/ text, unless their job involves such a privacy (which then you have to trust they dont abuse said privacy)

Posts: 279 | Registered: Mar 2013
idiot85
Member
Member # 38934
Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, April 24th (Wednesday)

Hey CMC- The wife didn't even have their numbers- I'm never sure what I'm looking for- sometimes maybe an insight to her mind!! The only thing is- her mates text her their own personal stuff so I do take care not to read that- I genuinely do. I don't want her mates to feel like they have to censor what they text her because Idiot's going to read it.

The kids play games on it- it's never locked and I doubt she's hiding anything- just gives me peace of mind. Feels sneaky though!!


BH-29 (me)
WW-28

Multi famam, conscientiam, pauci verentur.


Posts: 575 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Old Blighty
Lyonesse
Member
Member # 32943
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, April 24th (Wednesday)

I think it was almost daily for about 2 months, then sporadic up to 6 months. I sometimes check around significant dates, but I really don't want this to be my job, either.


Me: BS, 40's.

Posts: 1794 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: West Coast
BW2639
Member
Member # 34875
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, April 24th (Wednesday)

I'm over a year from dday and check fWW phone/phone records almost daily. She has no problem with it. Sometimes I check her phone, sometimes I check the ATT website. She knows I do. I dont feel bad about doing it as far as "invading her privacy" though. I just wish I didnt feel the "need" ( hence the paranoia) to check.


married 21 yr
Reconciling

Posts: 174 | Registered: Feb 2012
5454real
Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 11:57 AM, April 24th (Wednesday)

I checked almost daily for 6 months. another three months I checked sporadically. haven't checked much at all since then.

I too felt like I was being intrusive and invading privacy. however after I realized what a healthy marriage looks like, I didn't feel guilty looking at all. I did not cause this.

for the rest of her life, I will have the ability to look at her phone anytime anyplace anywhere. the thing is, so will she. there is nothing to hide in an open honest marriage.

IMO privacy is relegated to shutting the bathroom door.


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2686 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
callmecrazy
Member
Member # 38765
Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)

Idiot85...I did read other stuff besides the OW and it was insight into how he was talking crap about me to others...helped me see just cause she appeared to be gone didn't mean he felt bad at all. His friends or the OW...no need for privacy.

Posts: 279 | Registered: Mar 2013
HURTAGAIN1981
Member
Member # 35178
Default  Posted: 1:42 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)

Hi idiot85,

I really don't think you are doing anything wrong. She broke your trust so she lost her privacy. I may be new here but not new to infidelity. I think sometimes snooping, although it can make you feel bad, is sometimes the only way to find out what is going on.

Her knowing you do it though, I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. Good that she doesn't mind and that she says she has nothing to hide, but bad because she knows you do it so she isn't going to leave anything on there for you to find.

[This message edited by HURTAGAIN1981 at 1:43 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 296 | Registered: Mar 2012
libertyrocks
Member
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)

Nope, it's your gut instincts. Nature gave us these for survival. DO NOT CHUCK IT OFF. Check the online phone bill history, not phone, they can delete that stuff. But, they can't delete from actual phone company records. That's how I discovered WH's A's. One after another. 5 Ddays . So far. I'm positive there's more. I don't trust him. And, for my own protection, I shouldn't.

[This message edited by libertyrocks at 1:48 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)]


Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,Recovering Alcoholic, M6yrs T13. Boys 2 & 4 1/2.
DDay #1 Nov,2012. 1 1/2 year false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 again Jan,2014
Filed for D Feb,2014.

Posts: 962 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
mysticpenguin
Member
Member # 38839
Default  Posted: 4:29 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)

I definitely understand why you're doing it and think it's natural. If I were in your wife's shoes, I would of course have absolutely no problem letting you prove whatever you need to prove to yourself, you know?

However, I will say this. My WH had all PAs / 3 ONS's and one month-long fling, and I personally don't check his phone, e-mail, Facebook, etc. Why? Well, here's my take....

1- I have to learn to trust my instincts again without relying on phone/email/etc. I don't want to use a crutch, personally. I have a very powerful intuition and I want to learn to believe in it again.

2- For me, personally, if I sneak around and check something and don't find anything incriminating, all I wind up thinking is, "Oh, I just didn't find it *this time.*" If I did find something, I know it wouldn't be conclusive and without relying on my instincts, I know I'd be vulnerable to gaslighting. No good can come of it for me.

3- We are reconciling (ONS/purely PA are not a dealbreaker for me) and I want to be able to trust HIM, not HIS PHONE. Know what I mean?

ETA: Now I know what a lie looks like from him. You know? I know what behaviors to look out for... and subtle things too. I guess he could change that, go deeper underground - but then again, if I was checking his phone, he could get a 'secret' phone, or communicate exclusively via an email address I don't know about, ya know? IMO there is no way to 100% know for sure, so I'd rather just trust myself and my instincts and my knowledge going forward. To each his/her own though!

[This message edited by mysticpenguin at 4:50 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)]


Betrayed

Posts: 306 | Registered: Mar 2013
anemie
Member
Member # 37543
Default  Posted: 7:17 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)

Sometimes I feel ridiculous checking because all I have to do is look online on the phone bill and see it, yet my brain keeps telling me to look on the phone, don't know what I expect to find. The compulsion has lessened a lot though. We are 6 months out and now I only check maybe 2/3 times a month instead of 2/3 times a day. It gets easier...sort of.


D-Day October 18th, 2012 D-Day2 October 5th 2013
4 kids 12,11,7, 1 and one sweet little newborn

Posts: 112 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: MA
stupidgirlme
New Member
Member # 38778
Concerned  Posted: 4:48 AM, April 25th (Thursday)

I really understand your feeling bad, I do that, too. I feel that I am better than doing that, somehow, but still have to check what I can. If you are worried that you are invading her privacy, think about how she has invaded yours. As long as she has nothing to hide and you find nothing, she should be happy that she 'passed that test' and gave you a little touch of healing.

So sorry you're going through this!


~~I love listening to lies when I know the truth~~

Posts: 47 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Florida
idiot85
Member
Member # 38934
Default  Posted: 5:36 AM, April 25th (Thursday)

Mysticpenguin (excellent username)- it's the third point I think the most.

I don't mean invading her privacy as such- more her friends- I'll tell you an example- I did not need to know her mate's smear test hurt!! Know what I mean?! I read that and thought GOD IF HER MATE KNEW I'D JUST READ THAT!!!!! She'd be mortified!!

So- they're the ones I now avoid. I don't know what I'm looking for- it just makes me feel better- I like seeing normal texts they cheer me up.

I don't want to be paranoid though or checking up on her.


BH-29 (me)
WW-28

Multi famam, conscientiam, pauci verentur.


Posts: 575 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Old Blighty
summerain
Member
Member # 37439
Default  Posted: 5:39 AM, April 25th (Thursday)

This is from as poster called 'lady V",

She's being treated like an adult with no right to secrecy. And since her kind of secrets are abusive to you and cause you injury, she has no right to them. Secrecy is not privacy. Privacy is shutting the door when you go to the bathroom. Secrecy is taking a cell phone in there with you and text messaging your AP. They are not the same thing.

It made me feel better


OW1 inadvertently let me know WH loves English breakfast tea. Never ever saw him drink it. And I never will.

Posts: 818 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Australia
mysticpenguin
Member
Member # 38839
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, April 25th (Thursday)

Mysticpenguin (excellent username)
haha thanks! (:

it's the third point I think the most.

For me too. That was really the biggie for me when I was asking myself if I wanted to ask for total access to everything or not.

I don't mean invading her privacy as such- more her friends- I'll tell you an example- I did not need to know her mate's smear test hurt!! Know what I mean?! I read that and thought GOD IF HER MATE KNEW I'D JUST READ THAT!!!!! She'd be mortified!!

Welp that's it no more texting about smears to my friends! Phone call convos only! In reality though, it seems like it's not unusual at all for husbands/wives/boyfriends/girlfriends/etc to be checking each other's phones, social media messages, and so on -- even if there's been no betrayal of trust. So don't feel too bad! As the media / employer handbooks / etc are always reminding us, we should all know that no text message or e-mail or Facebook message we send is actually private.


Betrayed

Posts: 306 | Registered: Mar 2013
idiot85
Member
Member # 38934
Default  Posted: 3:58 AM, April 26th (Friday)

Cheers mysticpenguin!!- I feel less like I'm invading.

I do trust her right now- it does change depending what I'm thinking about!!

She doesn't say bad things about me very often- if she does- it's usually when it's deserved to be fair!!!

Thanks everyone- got some great opinions


BH-29 (me)
WW-28

Multi famam, conscientiam, pauci verentur.


Posts: 575 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Old Blighty
Topic Posts: 25