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User Topic: My X W Hs best friend told me he is in love with me.
want_to_forgive
Member
Member # 20470
Default  Posted: 3:13 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)

We have known each other the entire time of my M. He and my H were estranged when my H and I first got together. My H told me that he missed him, we ran into him one night when we were out and I tried to act as a friendly go-between to get them talking again. It worked, and they have been friends again ever since.

Fast forward to last night. He stopped by my house to see how I was doing. We talked a little about how the end of a M is sad but I had to move on for my sanity. He agreed that he had seen me do everything I could do to try to save my M and he thought XWH was a fool.

Then he told me that he has always thought the world of me. That the main reason he became friends with XWH again was because of me. That while he wasnt necessarily hoping that I would leave my H, now that we are D he would like to be able to take me out so we can get to know each other on a different level . He actually said that he thinks he is in love with me. Holy shit.

He has never acted inappropriately towards me, crossed boundaries, nothing. He is a super nice guy, I have always wished he would find someone to settle down with. He has had a few long term relationships during the course of our friendship, and one engagement, but they always fell apart for one reason or another.

While I think it is too soon for me to date anyone right now, my M has been over in spirit for years. Now it is over in the eyes of the law as well. My H cheated on me with my best friend. Does that mean that I just need to cut off all contact with his friend because it would be wrong to hurt my XWH by dating said friend in the future? I have been in a loveless marriage for so long I have to admit that having a sweet, good looking guy look me in the eye and tell me I am who he has wanted for years gives me butterflies. I have them right now as I am typing this.

Help!


M 11 years
Me: BS 38 Him: WS
DDay June 2006, LTA BFFOW
Divorced April 5, 2013
Not making a decision is making a decision.

Posts: 534 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Alaska
Undefinabl3
Member
Member # 36883
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)

I would let this one go. Do you really want to tie yourself to X with a friend of his?

What would come next, your X comeing over to dinner since they are still friends? What about mutal friend's parties - and X shows up....

Awkward for sure.

I would leave this one alone girl


Me: 31 MH
Him: 37 MH
New online find 6/19/14 - shit

Posts: 1751 | Registered: Sep 2012
want_to_forgive
Member
Member # 20470
Default  Posted: 3:28 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)

What would come next, your X comeing over to dinner since they are still friends? What about mutal friend's parties - and X shows up....

Oh the drama I could be inviting into my life if I let myself go here...

BUT THE BUTTERFLIES! Wow, I forgot what that was like. Long sigh.


M 11 years
Me: BS 38 Him: WS
DDay June 2006, LTA BFFOW
Divorced April 5, 2013
Not making a decision is making a decision.

Posts: 534 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Alaska
BeingNaive
Member
Member # 30652
Default  Posted: 3:37 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)

I say to let this one go only because it would keep your X in your life due to them being friends. If it were me, I wouldn't even think about how it may affect my X's feelings (dating his friend). Just think about how it would pertain to you.

[This message edited by BeingNaive at 3:38 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 171 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Michigan
Mousse242
Member
Member # 6330
Default  Posted: 4:26 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)

Give it some time. Keep your distance a bit, you still have healing to do.

If this guy is real, and the main reason he was friends with the Ex was because of you, now that you are D'd, his friendship with the Ex may diminish on its own.

If that is the case then, after you've done some healing, if there is still mutual interest, it MIGHT be worth exploring.

But if he is still going to remain close to your Ex, it would probably be best to let it go.


Posts: 5473 | Registered: Jan 2005 | From: Chicago
wontdefineme
Member
Member # 31421
Default  Posted: 4:46 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)

Good boundaries, waited, and you like him. He nas been estranged before, and wouldn't it just eat your ex up knowing it was his friend. See where my mind is. Life is short, and if you are healed, go slowly and if nothing else, you have a good male friend.

Posts: 2172 | Registered: Mar 2011
want_to_forgive
Member
Member # 20470
Default  Posted: 6:49 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)

Thanks all, this is all pretty new to me. I haven't dated in over 12 years. Apparently I wasn't very good at it back then anyway, because I choose my NPD X.

The conversation was a little intoxicating, and I had to keep reminding myself that I wasn't doing anything wrong, I am divorced.

BUT... I think letting things stand while I get some distance from this D is a good idea. The top of X's head would blow off if I started dating his friend. Not that I should care about how X feels, but it's hard for me to not do that with everyone in my life, not just him.


M 11 years
Me: BS 38 Him: WS
DDay June 2006, LTA BFFOW
Divorced April 5, 2013
Not making a decision is making a decision.

Posts: 534 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Alaska
Kajem
Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 8:03 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)

I dated a guy who used to work with XH after my marriage imploded. I had the butterflies, he said all the right things, He made me feel so good about myself.

My suggestion is to take the time to get your bearings/boundaries being single. I wish I had done that and waited.

Hugs,

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5161 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
CrappyLife
Member
Member # 37630
Default  Posted: 6:07 AM, April 25th (Thursday)

From your description, this guy sounds like he is genuine. He mentioned that he liked you, but never did anything inappropriate since you were married. Then, he could have jumped in earlier when you were getting divorced and acted as a KISA. He waited until your D and then made his move. To me, he sounds really stable and level-headed even though he has had problems in his relationships. My suggestion is to date him, go slow and see where it goes.

As far as being a friend of your XH goes, he has indicated that he became friends with your XH because of you. So, he can dump him again. For you. That would make you feel nice also.


BBF-turned-BH: 28 (Me)
WGF-turned-WW: 28 (EmotionalFool)
POS1: a 'friend'? WW believed it was my 'best friend'!
POS2: her senior at work!
Together - 6 years
Married - 1.5 years
D-Day- 15/10/12

Don't know where we are headed..


Posts: 276 | Registered: Nov 2012
Undefinabl3
Member
Member # 36883
Default  Posted: 8:00 AM, April 25th (Thursday)

BUT THE BUTTERFLIES!

Oh, i get the butterflies.....but just cause they are there doesnt mean its a good idea.

Good boundaries, waited, and you like him. He nas been estranged before, and wouldn't it just eat your ex up knowing it was his friend. See where my mind is.

You should never go into a relationship with any hint or possiblity of it being partly revenge or 'getting back' at your ex. If this is in any part of your reasoning, then you should stop and realize that those are false pretenses to have a relationship.

Life is short, and if you are healed, go slowly and if nothing else, you have a good male friend.

Life is short, but it doesnt have to be drama filled and seriously complicated.

its a really good suggestion to give yourself time to heal, get to know yourself, find out who you are without a partner....before you actually get another one.

If he is still around when you have given that time to yourself....then I would say go into it slowly...but right now - not so much


Me: 31 MH
Him: 37 MH
New online find 6/19/14 - shit

Posts: 1751 | Registered: Sep 2012
wonderingbull
Member
Member # 14833
Default  Posted: 8:13 AM, April 25th (Thursday)

I wouldn't say that KD and my ex were actually friends but they did know each other through our family gatherings...

When the ex and I were together and KD was with her now ex we didn't even look sideways at each other... I enjoyed her spirit but never thought about it on any level...

When I saw her at a family get together and we were both single I knew she wouldn't be single long... I took the chance and asked her out...

It's worked out great so far... The ex sent me an email a month or so into the new relationship stating she heard about us... That surprised the hell out of me but I didn't care...

I'd say, take it slow and see where it might go... You never know... I know I don't regret it one bit...

WB


The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time...

James Taylor


Posts: 5976 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: A better place
Sad in AZ
Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 8:25 AM, April 25th (Thursday)

Examine yourself--if your relationship with your X has been over in spirit for sometime, I don't think the suggested timeframe for healing from D necessarily applies.

Having experienced OLD and other methods of meeting potential dates from 'scratch', I would overwhelmingly welcome an old 'friend'. Really, I feel you have to be friends before you can be successful lovers. But that's just my opinion...


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20221 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
ajsmom
Member
Member # 17460
Default  Posted: 8:34 AM, April 25th (Thursday)

Well...he's been pretty open about his feelings toward you.

How do YOU feel about HIM?

AJ's MOM


Fidelity isn't a feeling...it's a choice.

"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now - always." - Albert Schweitzer
____________________________________________
Me: BW - Him: 200+ # tumor removed 7/09
DS - 31 - Yikes!


Posts: 21056 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Been Through Hell...On My Way Back
stupidstupidme
Member
Member # 11888
Default  Posted: 8:57 AM, April 25th (Thursday)

I agree with what Mousse said - it seems to me that if their friendship is not that strong, and he only rekindled it because of you, he may have no qualms about distancing himself from your ex in order to provide a more comfortable atmosphere for you...

I say proceed slowly... with caution.


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19732 | Registered: Aug 2006
amitheow
Member
Member # 4691
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, April 25th (Thursday)

If you date him, he WON'T be friends with your X anymore. He will let that relationship go. I can almost guarantee it.

So as long as it doesn't bother him that you were with his friend, then ... go for it, when you feel ready, if you ever do.


Old Timer, Just here to help
My screen name is: Am I The Ow? - Not Ami the OW.

Because in my situation I didn't know if I was the OW at first or if I was being cheated on. Found I was being cheated on.


Posts: 5085 | Registered: Jun 2004 | From: Texas
SoHappyNow
Member
Member # 8923
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, April 25th (Thursday)

I am in a somewhat similar situation. My late husband and I met a really good and decent man about 18 months ago when the 3 of us became neighbors in a retirement community. As my hubby's health worsened until his death from lung cancer 3 months ago, Friend (F) spent more and more time watching over hubby - up to 8 to 10 hours daily. At one point my husband told F "you're not a friend, you're FAMILY". Hubby asked F to take care of me after he died.

After my husband died, F and I still kept spending time together and our friendship became even closer.
I moved across town to a new apartment on March 1st. On March 14th, F confessed that he had feelings for me.

Since then, our love for each other has grown and grown. I am seizing this second chance at true happiness.......because I know I am tough and very resilient and will be OK no matter what may come my way.

Point being: you're the only one who really knows yourself and your risk tolerance. If you think you can, I always advise to go for the gusto!

[This message edited by hit-by-a-train at 9:21 AM, April 25th (Thursday)]


In the depths of winter I finally learned there was in me an invincible summer..Albert Camus

***Used to be hit-by-a-train***
Remarried 2/14/14


Posts: 2294 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: USA
Dawnie
Member
Member # 26912
Default  Posted: 2:50 PM, April 25th (Thursday)

IMHO, as long as you arent pursuing him just to get revenge on your ex then go for it..... but go slow...

Enjoy!


DIVORCED! Remarried to a real man!
BW (me) - 41 (now 46)
WH (him) - 43 (now 48)
OW - 23 yr old foreign gold digging whore looking for her American meal ticket
1 14 yr old son (now 19)
married 20 years/together 25 years
D day - 9/23/2009 5pm

Posts: 802 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Mid Atlantic coast
GabyBaby
Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, April 25th (Thursday)

I also agree that you should go for it (slowly!!!).

It sounds like this guy has boundaries (wow!) and didnt make his feelings known until AFTER the divorce.
If you're into him and he's into you, have fun!


Me - 40s
SorryInSac - WH#2 - 40s. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - ??

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW)
Legally married 18yrs, together 16.5yrs

I edit often for clarity.


Posts: 6456 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
wildbananas
Member
Member # 10552
Default  Posted: 3:57 PM, April 25th (Thursday)

Then he told me that he has always thought the world of me. That the main reason he became friends with XWH again was because of me.

I'm curious... was he friends with XWH again because he wanted to be closer to you? Or because you helped them to get talking again?


Travel light, live light, spread the light, be the light. ~ Yogi Bhajan

Posts: 15402 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Now an AZ girl
sudra
Member
Member # 30143
Default  Posted: 9:36 AM, April 26th (Friday)

You shouldn't make your decision based upon how it might affect your ex husband - you shouldn't do it to get back at him, but you also shouldn't NOT see him because he's your exhusband's friend.

He can decide for himself if a relationship with you is worth risking his friendship with your ex. It's not your issue.

Sounds like he's got good boundaries - I doubt if he renewed his friendship with you ex just because of you given that you've been married 11 years and this happened at the beginning of your marriage.

Do you feel ready to date? If so, why not?


Me (BW) (55), Him(SAWH) (58)
Married 22 years, 1 son (19), 1 stepdaughter (27)
DDay #1 January 2004
DDay #2 7-27-2010 7 month EA/PA (became "engaged" to OW before he told me he wanted a divorce)
Working on R

Posts: 1478 | Registered: Nov 2010
want_to_forgive
Member
Member # 20470
Default  Posted: 5:50 PM, April 26th (Friday)

Hi all, thank you so much for the responses!

I am actually really surprised that no one has swung huge 2x4's at me for even entertaining the idea.

One thing I can say with 1000% conviction is that if I dated him it wouldn't be to get back at my Ex. I'm not exaggerating when I say we were in a loveless marriage for years. No sex. No affection. It was sad. We were roommates and I was resigned because I had made him a promise. Since my Ex was the one that initiated the D, I felt set free. Parts of the D were a little scary and stressful, but now that I am on the other side I am ready to jump into life with both feet and enjoy what I have been denied for so many years.

But wait! I stayed with a broken NPD man for years after I discovered he had a LTA with my best friend! What does that say about me? Do I need to wait a while before I dip my toe back into romance? I don't want to, but I sure don't want to make a mistake either.

That's one of the things that is so attractive to me about this guy. I know him. He is sweet. I've never known him to be unfaithful to anyone. I LIKE him.

BUT, it would cause a bit of a stir in the small town I live in. And this would be my first relationship since the D. What if it doesn't work out and their friendship is ruined because of me? I'm not worried about Ex, I'm worried about the friend. He's a big boy though, and he knows the risks. I'm tempted. He has come over a couple more times. We just sit and talk, but there is definitely a chemistry there.


M 11 years
Me: BS 38 Him: WS
DDay June 2006, LTA BFFOW
Divorced April 5, 2013
Not making a decision is making a decision.

Posts: 534 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Alaska
SoHappyNow
Member
Member # 8923
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, April 27th (Saturday)

Read some of my threads about my Friend! Pm me if you like. For me, this is working out so very well and we had a somewhat similar beginning to you two. My mantra is this:

If the Universe has seen fit to send me two good men in a row, then who am I tolook a gift horse in the mouth?


In the depths of winter I finally learned there was in me an invincible summer..Albert Camus

***Used to be hit-by-a-train***
Remarried 2/14/14


Posts: 2294 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: USA
Haphazard
New Member
Member # 32204
Default  Posted: 12:34 PM, April 27th (Saturday)

What if it doesn't work out and their friendship is ruined because of me?

Nobody knows better than an SIer that nothing is guaranteed. Sometimes you just have to take a leap of faith.
It is his friendship..his choice. It won't be because of you


Posts: 18 | Registered: May 2011
Topic Posts: 23