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User Topic: Something he said came back to me
HURTAGAIN1981
Member
Member # 35178
Default  Posted: 4:25 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)

I just remembered this and I feel sick!

I saw him Monday night to stupidly talk in the hope that he would be open and honest with me when I questioned him about things I wasn't happy about.

He knew I was severely upset and hadn't eaten at this point since Friday.

My stomach was rumbling a lot and very loudly. He then asked, if I wanted some C*m,(sperm). Meaning as something to eat as I hadn't eaten.

This is also after he had found out my mother was seriously ill.

I can't believe it. I really can't.


Posts: 296 | Registered: Mar 2012
hobbeskat
Member
Member # 38805
Default  Posted: 4:28 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)

Wow, I'm sorry. This guy seems to have no respect for you. You can do better than this!

Posts: 308 | Registered: Mar 2013
permanentpain
Member
Member # 38312
Default  Posted: 4:45 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)

Total doosh! He's not worth your time.


Me: 32 y/o, student and mom of two of the best kids in the world
Him: 33 y/o scumbag
Divorcing
Feels good to start laughing and feeling better again...

Posts: 270 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Island
Jeyana
Member
Member # 38464
Default  Posted: 5:11 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)

For some reason this realy pisses me off! And Im not the one who had to hear it. How dare he? What a callous, self-centered, self-absorbed, manipulative piece of shit! Find your anger woman! If you need some I have plenty. Grrrrr!

Posts: 121 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: oregon
shiloe
Member
Member # 1224
Default  Posted: 5:20 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)

He's disgusting, how old is he? 13?


But remember, good love is hard to find . . -Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers
BS - 54
Cheater -54
Married 26 yrs
DD - 21 DD -19 DS-17
A#1 2000 with married ho-worker/neighbor ow#1
A#2 2007-? OW#2 LTA with yet another married ho-worker. Kicked h

Posts: 611 | Registered: Mar 2003
HURTAGAIN1981
Member
Member # 35178
Default  Posted: 5:44 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)

He's 29 this year.

Some of the stuff, like this I find hard to believe how someone could be like it.


Posts: 296 | Registered: Mar 2012
Bigger
Member
Member # 8354
Default  Posted: 5:44 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)

Progress!!!
Great HURTAGIAIN! GREAT!!!!!

See what you are doing? You are listening to what he says and his actions and seeing what he REALLY IS.

So yes, Iím disgusted in what he said to you but whatís even more important is that YOU are disgusted with what heís saying.

Hold on to that for the next couple of days. Call it back into your mind when you get an urge to call him or answer his calls.


"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

Posts: 5565 | Registered: Sep 2005
HURTAGAIN1981
Member
Member # 35178
Default  Posted: 6:01 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)

Thanks Bigger,

I can't deny it, I have missed him today and there have been times when I have wanted to contact him but I haven't. I keep thinking back to Monday night and how he was with me. He seems to have completely changed since he moved out from his parents house. It's just insane.

He messaged me this morning saying he was shattered. What a conversation starter eh? Many of our exchanges started that way. Nothing like, good morning how are you? or anything of the sort. I didn't reply. I am determined as this is what I have to do for my own sanity. I realised that I could even catch something like scabies from his bed if he allows various people to sleep in it all the damn time. I haven't heard from him since. I kinda hope I don't but also want him to contact me too if that makes sense?


Posts: 296 | Registered: Mar 2012
h0peless
Member
Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 6:05 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)

What a piece of shit. What a childish, insensitive, disrespectful piece of shit. You deserve so much better.

Posts: 1731 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Baja Arizona
Hurt2Deeply
Member
Member # 38317
Default  Posted: 6:08 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)

That was so disrespectful of him. Truly mean. I'm sorry. Take care of you. He doesn't seem smart or kind enough to treat you right.

Hugs.

H2D


Me BS 57
Him FWH 60
M 35 years
3 Adult kids
R

Posts: 101 | Registered: Jan 2013
5yrsout
Member
Member # 32109
Default  Posted: 6:23 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)

((((HurtAgain1981)))

Your posts have me so upset - I actually had to find my laptop and log in to reply (can't post properly from my phone.)

I believe you mentioned in one of your posts that you had an ex that had sex with you while you were sleeping (my apologies if I got you mixed up with another poster.)

Even if this was not you, my advice is going to be the same...

PLEASE find someone (preferably a really good individual counselor) who can help you sort out why you are even remotely pining for this freak - who plainly told you he doesn't love you the way you deserve.

I understand it is hard to turn "off" those feelings once you are in love with someone.

But, what concerns me about your situation is that you accepted his considerable "flaws" and weirdness RIGHT.FROM.THE.START.

You questioned his dick picture. But you went forward willingly.

You questioned his freaky sex preferences and pressuring you. Yet, you went forward willingly.

You mentioned that you sometimes dread having sex with him.
But, none of this was enough to deter you.

You did not share with him the serious nature of your mom's situation. You knew he wouldn't be supportive of you. And, yet, here you remain, still dithering and trying to "figure" him out - or worse, still trying to figure out a way to help "fix" him - or even scarier - TOLERATE his faults because you had such "good times", too.

PLEASE. PLEASE.
go back to your own profile and click on "Recent Posts". Then scroll down and START AT THE BOTTOM and re-read every single word you wrote from day one here. Read every single piece of advice that was given to you.

Please see where you have ignored your self-preservation instincts.

Ask yourself why?
Why would you put yourself in this situation in the first place??

It seems to me that had you not found the sanitary napkins, etc. - you would have IGNORED the rest of the seriously worrisome warning signs (lying, hiding his porn, him pressuring you for sex that you are not EAGER to participate in)...

If you had not found him cheating, you were willing to continue this relationship.

THIS is so damn sad.

I don't recall if you've mentioned your age, but if you are the one who also had an ex treat you as a sex object and violate your boundaries, then you are probably old enough to recognize this is a dangerous path and looking like it could be a pattern that you select or rather accept men who are deviant.

THAT is okay if you like that kind of thing (I guess?) But, YOU SAY YOU DON'T.

So, if you hadn't found him cheating, you would have continued with this relationship?

From some of your most recent posts, it sounds as though you are breaking if off - and I pray that you are.

But, you have also expressed a desire to hear from him again...

PLEASE do as EVERYONE here has advised. LOVE yourself.
LOVE your mom.

If you think any of this rings true, please also find someone IRL to talk to and help "fix" YOU - so you value yourself enough to stay away from him and any other sick fucks that come your way.

HUGS.HUGS.HUGS.
I cannot tell you how hard I am praying for you (and I don't even pray.)


Now 7 Yrs Out - my prince is a frog
DD 5/15/2006

Posts: 774 | Registered: May 2011
1Faith
Member
Member # 38975
Angry  Posted: 6:25 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)

Don't settle for being treated like this. He will not change because he doesn't have to. What have been the consequences of treating you this way?

I don't mean to be harsh but is it possible you miss the idea of him and your relationship more than him?

Disrespectful and disgusting. No honor.

Be strong - you deserve better.


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1183 | Registered: Apr 2013
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 6:42 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)

My thoughts are along the lines of Bigger's. I'm thrilled that you are questioning how he treated you, what he said to you. I'm thrilled that it has occurred to you that he's been inexcusably dismissive of you, that's he's been using you. These are painful, embarassing but NECESSARY realizations on your part.

No pain, no gain. Pain now in tearing yourself free from this guy will gain you your freedom.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9817 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
HURTAGAIN1981
Member
Member # 35178
Default  Posted: 7:04 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)

5yrsout,

It worries me that the posts have you upset because it makes me wonder what is wrong with me to put up with all I did.

Another poster mentioned it, but it also happened to me. Not this one but a previous ex. He thought I would know when I woke up but I had no clue so he told me while we were having a meal the next day. I also brushed that off too but after we broke up it started to bother me.

I think my problem is that I minimise behaviour and accept more and more as time wears on. I always remember what it was like in the beginning and the excitement and just don't leave when it gets bad.


But, what concerns me about your situation is that you accepted his considerable "flaws" and weirdness RIGHT.FROM.THE.START.

This is really starting to concern me too. I was a bit taken aback when others said that they would have been off at the first sign of the picture.

Ask yourself why?
Why would you put yourself in this situation in the first place??

Sadly, I have no idea what the answer to this is. I am 31 and I think it may be because I have had a series of dysfunctional relationships.

So, if you hadn't found him cheating, you would have continued with this relationship?

If I hadn't caught him in lies, if none of this stuff had happened, then yes I would still be with him.

From some of your most recent posts, it sounds as though you are breaking if off - and I pray that you are.

I am determined atm to break it off with him. It was really making me ill, still is. I know my mother would be disgusted if I told her all about this.

But, you have also expressed a desire to hear from him again...

I know this is crazy! I think it's because I want to know he is thinking about me, notices I am gone and even cares a little, even though I know he doesn't.


Posts: 296 | Registered: Mar 2012
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 7:06 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)

I think my problem is that I minimise behaviour and accept more and more as time wears on. I always remember what it was like in the beginning and the excitement and just don't leave when it gets bad.

That has been my problem as well. I'm working to eliminate that unhealthy thought process with my IC. It is not good for me and does not make me happy. It does not serve me well in my adult life, nor does it make me a good mother. I forget, are you in IC?


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9817 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
HURTAGAIN1981
Member
Member # 35178
Default  Posted: 7:11 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)

NatureGirl

My thoughts are along the lines of Bigger's. I'm thrilled that you are questioning how he treated you, what he said to you. I'm thrilled that it has occurred to you that he's been inexcusably dismissive of you, that's he's been using you. These are painful, embarassing but NECESSARY realizations on your part.

No pain, no gain. Pain now in tearing yourself free from this guy will gain you your freedom.

Thanks for this. I don't know why it is so hard. Logically I know he is a disgusting human. Throughout the relationship nothing really seemed right. His actions were always weird, I have thought many many times that he doesn't even seem human, has no depth to him, and is just a shell with nothing inside. But then there are the other things, when he was nice to me, when he cried at films, so it made me think he must have feelings.

He also cried on Monday when I was upset so that has me conflicted too. I have been thinking why would he cry if he didn't care about me?

Nothing makes sense.


Posts: 296 | Registered: Mar 2012
HURTAGAIN1981
Member
Member # 35178
Default  Posted: 7:14 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)

I know exactly what you mean. Past relationships have had me make myself ill. I have even wanted to leave, but still haven't been able to. Literally said to myself, "I don't want this anymore" but still, I stay.

I am not in IC. I should look into it really. I have been reading a lot on the net about NPD which is helping me to understand that this is just who he is.


Posts: 296 | Registered: Mar 2012
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 7:26 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)

My husband is capable of tears that would flood Niagara Falls. He can put on an emotional show that will fool most people. He knows exactly the right words to say, when to cry, when to get weak & faint from "emotion" & "despair". The problem is, it's all fake. Fake fake fake. People like my husband, and I'm thinking like this creep you're involved with, put up false fronts. They charm us. Seduce us. They are witty, or funny, or just the right kind of socially awkward that they disarm us. They know how to put on a pretend relationship long enough for us to be fully invested in them.

And then it changes. They let their true selves come out. That's when the nightmare begins for us. Mr. Hyde has come out to destroy us. But when they sense that we're pulling back they trot out Dr. Jeckyll to make it all better. The good doctor only stays long enough to calm us down & placate us, when Mr. Hyde comes back out and is even more of an asshole because of the trouble we put him through.

It's a cycle. It's called the abuse cycle or abuse wheel. When you realize you're caught up in it it's humiliating. At that point I used to deny, minimize, tell myself it's not so bad, tell myself I have to stay for the sake of the children, I have to stay to try and save him, I have to stay because I don't want to fail at marriage, I don't want to be divorced, I don't want to admit failure, I don't want to be middle-aged with three kids and have to start my life over again... I had a thousand excuses as to why I needed to stay in the relationship rather than get out and live an authentic life.

When I first started IC she had me write out every single incident. Every red flag, every deliberate hurt, everything. Everything. Every humiliating sex act he got me to participate in, everything. Every fight I could remember. Everything he did that showed how he really thought about me, how he truly was as a human being. Just like the man you're involved with, I began realizing he's not a complete human being. He's just a shell. There is no one in there. That's one reason why he does not recognize my humanity, my pain.

Get away from him & stay away, Hurt.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9817 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 7:32 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)

Here's a little "lite" reading to help you along your way.
http://psychopathyawareness.wordpress.com/2011/08/03/reconciling-with-a-psychopath-the-dangerous-lure-of-the-honeymoon-phase/

http://psychopathfree.com/peace/

http://drkentgriffiths.com/PDFs/Character_Disorder.pdf

http://wonforum.blogspot.com/2011/02/jekyl-hyde-split.html?zx=4804960ce3af0fa4

http://www.sarahtateauthor.com/cluster-b%27s.html


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9817 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
5yrsout
Member
Member # 32109
Default  Posted: 7:47 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)

I hope you will stay with us - for as long as you need - to stay strong and to begin to heal from the betrayals and break up.

I do not usually share this next story - but I want to let you know that I know very well how you feel - wanting to believe he at least loved/cared somehow.

I stupidly fell in love and got married at 17. We had been together 2 years and he was the love of my life (as first loves are.)

Our marriage was doomed from the start, but alcohol and drugs sped up the demise. After only four months, when the same paramedics arrived to take me to the hospital for yet another beating, one of the EMTs discreetly handed me a business card for a women's shelter.

I didn't call the shelter but I did leave him and returned to my mom's home. With the love and support of my incredible mom, I stayed strong and did not contact him.

What killed me was HE DID NOT EVEN TRY TO CONTACT ME.

Here I was crying and devastated because the man who put me into the hospital twice in four months DID NOT EVEN CALL ONCE to see if I was ok, to talk about our M, our Divorce, NOTHING.

I struggled with this for nearly 20 years. (well, that and the lasting effects of having suffered an abusive relationship and all of the self-esteem issues that generates.)

I obsessed over "did he even love me?" "did he ever love me?" "did I destroy my life for nothing? (I had quit school to marry him.)

25 years later...

In a strange conversation with my mom, I mentioned how long I had hated myself and felt so worthless that EX never even called a single time.

My mom got very quiet and said, "Honey, I am so sorry. I had no idea you've been carrying this around for all this time...

HE DID CALL."

I was shocked. Mom told him that if he ever had the balls to EVER contact me in any way shape or form ever until the end of time - she would mortgage her house, turn to prostitution, whatever it took to hire a hit man to bash his brains in with a baseball bat.

I guess she was convincing.

He never called or tried to reach me again.

Even five years after I had left him, when I had finally got around to filing for a divorce, he didn't show up to court.

This is actually not funny, because I remember how I felt (as I imagine you feeling now)... and it took a toll on me for 20 years.

So, here's what I wish someone would have been able to convey to me then...

Honey, of course he cared about you. How could he not? You were good to him. Good for him. But, he didn't appreciate you or love you the way you DESERVE.

Even if he were to fall upon his knees and take a blood oath - and proclaim his love for the entire universe to see - IT IS NOT HEALTHY OR SAFE FOR YOU.

If it makes you feel better to believe he loved you, then let yourself believe it.

Remind yourself though he loved you in his own sick, twisted way. A way that was toxic. A way that was not consistent with a real relationship.

He cared. I guarantee it.

If only due to his NPD, he will care because you (GASP!) dumped him. His ego will care. His pride will care.

I pray he will be so angry that he leaves you alone.

I hope he NEVER, ever calls you.

And, you should, too.

HUGS!!!!!!!!!!!!

Please keep posting here.
Please stay strong.

Please hug that little girl inside of you and tell her that she will be okay and mean it.


Now 7 Yrs Out - my prince is a frog
DD 5/15/2006

Posts: 774 | Registered: May 2011
Kajem
Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 8:16 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)

I haven't read all the posts, but this stood out to me:

I think my problem is that I minimise behaviour and accept more and more as time wears on. I always remember what it was like in the beginning and the excitement and just don't leave when it gets bad.

This is typical of someone who is in an abusive relationship.

And like Stockholm syndrome you want the attention from your abuser. Any attention is a good thing... even negative degrading attention is still attention. When you get to a certain point..you crave attention from the person...

Going to go and finish reading now.

Hugs,

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5257 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
homewrecked2011
Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 8:25 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)

He is like Heroin.

You are breaking free from an addiction --- him.

We have all been where you are and support your effort.

Please get into IC, it really really helps,, especially if you call a Domestic violence center. You have been abused.
Don't be afraid to tell the IC everything, they have heard it all and will want to help you find ways to move past him.

The reason several of us on here are supporting you so closely is because (I, for one) now have to hand my children over every other weekend BY COURT ORDER to a man did freaky shit to me.

Can you imagine having a 13 year old daughter and have to send her to his house every other weekend while he has freaks around?

Remember, you are breaking free of something very intense because there are good times rolled into the bad times.

It's hard --- hell I was MARRIED for 15 years and I have had to break away just as you are. I wanted to call him every single day and try to figure out how to make him love our family more than the OW. My sons were in despair beyond what I was.

So, I'm not asking you to do what we all haven't had to do. Be strong and really try to give yourself a great life. WITHOUT HIM!

hugs


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 2205 | Registered: Jan 2012
HURTAGAIN1981
Member
Member # 35178
Default  Posted: 7:09 AM, April 25th (Thursday)

Thanks again Naturegirl.

My husband is capable of tears that would flood Niagara Falls. He can put on an emotional show that will fool most people. He knows exactly the right words to say, when to cry, when to get weak & faint from "emotion" & "despair". The problem is, it's all fake. Fake fake fake. People like my husband, and I'm thinking like this creep you're involved with, put up false fronts. They charm us. Seduce us. They are witty, or funny, or just the right kind of socially awkward that they disarm us. They know how to put on a pretend relationship long enough for us to be fully invested in them.

This makes sense. He seems very intelligent and is INCREDIBLY funny. Would a person who is able to turn on the tears also fall under NPD? I know you must have read a lot about it too and have seen some of your posts on the NPD thread. The weird thing is, is that when I get upset at films or whatever, I have always tried to hide it because I get embarrassed. He however, seems to like to make a point of it. He told me that he was watching the last Harry Potter film the other week and was crying over it.

And then it changes. They let their true selves come out. That's when the nightmare begins for us. Mr. Hyde has come out to destroy us. But when they sense that we're pulling back they trot out Dr. Jeckyll to make it all better. The good doctor only stays long enough to calm us down & placate us, when Mr. Hyde comes back out and is even more of an asshole because of the trouble we put him through.

This also makes sense. When I have tried to break it off before, before I had any suspicions about his fidelity and agreed to stay friends but needed time, he completely changed. We had a more open and honest conversation than what we had ever had. He was saying lovely things that really pulled me back in. Saying he felt the same as me and that he missed me and couldn't eat or sleep.


It's a cycle. It's called the abuse cycle or abuse wheel. When you realize you're caught up in it it's humiliating. At that point I used to deny, minimize, tell myself it's not so bad, tell myself I have to stay for the sake of the children, I have to stay to try and save him, I have to stay because I don't want to fail at marriage, I don't want to be divorced, I don't want to admit failure, I don't want to be middle-aged with three kids and have to start my life over again... I had a thousand excuses as to why I needed to stay in the relationship rather than get out and live an authentic life.

Makes sense also. I'm ashamed of how little self respect I have. The trouble I have is that I read that about 1% of the population is NPD. So I think how could I have met one of these if they are so rare? It's hard to say yes, this is what he is because in a way it seems so far fetched really.



Posts: 296 | Registered: Mar 2012
HURTAGAIN1981
Member
Member # 35178
Default  Posted: 7:17 AM, April 25th (Thursday)

5yrsout,

Thank you so much. I do plan to stay here. I'm overwhelmed at how caring everyone is here and it has given me so much strength.

That is a sad story and I can't believe that it affected you for 20 years. Did you end up marrying him? I'm not sure if you are talking about your divorce with him or a different man?

It doesn't help to think that he loved me or cared. I definitely know that he did not love me. I am not sure he's capable. He told me that his past ex went off with some other man because he took to long to tell her he loved her and when he did it was too late. I have no idea what that really means.


Posts: 296 | Registered: Mar 2012
NeverAgain2013
Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 10:56 AM, April 25th (Thursday)

What a piece of shit. What a childish, insensitive, disrespectful piece of shit. You deserve so much better.

Quoted for TRUTH.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1807 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
Lyonesse
Member
Member # 32943
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, April 25th (Thursday)

The trouble I have is that I read that about 1% of the population is NPD. So I think how could I have met one of these if they are so rare?

That's not rare. That means 1 in 100 people. If, as I understand it, NPDs are always looking for people to admire them or to groom, they are the type of people who would be more active in searching out 'victims,' so it is not really so unusual to run across one in your dating years. The NPD thread here on SI is evidence of that!

It's possible, too, that the dating pool may concentrate the number of unsuitable partners, since presumably some of the suitable ones have settled into relationships.

[This message edited by Lyonesse at 12:04 PM, April 25th (Thursday)]


Me: BS, 40's.

Posts: 1797 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: West Coast
HURTAGAIN1981
Member
Member # 35178
Default  Posted: 12:07 PM, April 25th (Thursday)

I guess you are right! Ive been reading and a lot of it seems to be psychopathic behaviour too. That is scary. He seems to have traits of NPD, BPD, and also some of a sociopath!

Posts: 296 | Registered: Mar 2012
Topic Posts: 27