SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Just Found Out
User Topic: I just knew....something wasn't right.
1stxmom
New Member
Member # 39078
Default  Posted: 8:41 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)

I have been with him for ten years on and off. We have recently been on for two years. And we have a baby who turnes 1 on 4/28. I knew something wasn't right before I found out because he was distant. He gave me a valentines day card that said "thank you for loving me" and had to work that day. 3/12 - I looked in his phone and saw pictures of her. messages from her. i checked his email, there were pictures and email from her. I was shocked. I never thought this would happen to me. I never thought he could do this to his family. Now... he's suggested counseling, he is doing everything right (now). I just don't know how sincere this is or even if I want to stay. I never wanted to be a statistic and thought our family could overcome anything but this has me questioning anything. I don't believe anything he says. I don't believe he loves me (although he tells me everyday now). I don't think he'll ever truly be happy with me. He is willing to do whatever it takes (and I don't know why - because he wasn't thinking about his family when he was thinking about himself).

Please help me through this. I'm miserable. I feel likemy world is shattered. I'm broken.


Posts: 3 | Registered: Apr 2013
1stxmom
New Member
Member # 39078
Default  Posted: 8:46 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)

He's now working really hard to mend whats been damaged, but if it was that important to him....why'd he have to cheat? If he really loved his family, why not work on trouble areas instead of seeking another woman.

Posts: 3 | Registered: Apr 2013
JanaGreen
Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 8:55 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)

I am so so sorry you are going through this. What all is he doing to show he is serious about changing? Are you guys in counseling? I am a huge fan of individual counseling for both parties.

(((((hugs)))))


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6764 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
NoraLee
Member
Member # 37922
Default  Posted: 9:02 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)

I understand your pain - your grief AND the disbelief...we all do...

You dont need to make any serious decisions now...allow yourself time to process this.

Watch his actions - ignore his words. That will tell you if he's serious about fixing what he's destroyed....actually it can't be fixed but it can be replaced - with a new (and in many ways better) relationship.

You will know in time whether this is a deal breaker for you. Keep reading and asking questions - it will bring you some clarity. SI is awesome for support and great advice.

I think this is a must read for WS's and BS's...

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=478824

My H did everything in the article and it has been key to my healing - it also helped me understand my reactions and needs - and it made me realize my behaviour was normal...

There's no guarantee your relationship will survive this assault...but YOU will. (((1stxmom)))


Me - BW - 44
Him - FWH - 42
Married 16 years
D day - 1/2 truth - July 2012
Full disclosure - August 2012
EA with skanky waitress coworker
3 kids - 14, 16, 21
In R

Posts: 791 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Canada
Omahahurt
New Member
Member # 39046
Default  Posted: 9:03 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)

It is horrible the decisions ws make. I struggle with the why everyday. Be thankful that he has even realized it was a mistake. My husband is still out with her right now. I have been looking through the healing libraries on this site and they have some really good advice on what it would take to help you heal. I look in case my husband comes out of the fog, but i know his personality and he would never be willing to do that stuff. Be thankful that if staying together is what you want, your husband is willing to try, but at the end of the day, be true to yourself.


me-34
h-32
DD-4/17/2013

Posts: 26 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Nebraska
callmecrazy
Member
Member # 38765
Default  Posted: 9:04 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)

Welcome 1stx, sorry you are here. Better advise is on the way but since its evening i just thought Id offer support.
None of the waywards were thinking of others at the time, but while on here you can find many stories of ones who truly woke up and started caring. Your hurt however is going to take you on a journey. Take your time, allow yourself to feel things and focus on you. If he truly is remorsful u will have a choice. Either R or D/break-up are supported and a deeply personal choice.
I hope you find the support you need here. Hugs.

Posts: 279 | Registered: Mar 2013
Theradin
Member
Member # 38518
Default  Posted: 9:48 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)

So sorry for your pain. I can imagine how difficult it is for you right now. We (BS', that is) have all, unfortunately, 'been there'.

Your best ally right now will be your gut. Trust it. If you think something is up, then it is. I can assure you of this. No matter what, trust your gut before you trust anything your WH says. He has proven himself unbelievably deceitful and mistrusting, and the last thing you need is to fall into yet another one of his 'death traps'.

If you haven't checked it out, I strongly recommend you do. It is the 180. It is in the Healing Library. It will help you regain a sense of self and purpose, and allow you to protect yourself. You are the victim here, not him. And he is 100% responsible for the affair, cheating, lying, etc. You are in no way, whatsoever, responsible for ANYTHING having to do with the affair. He didn't consult you before choosing to betray you, therefore you are to take no responsibility for his choices and actions.

Try to be strong and take care of yourself during this grueling time. Eat, sleep, drink (alcohol, as well as water..!), and find a good support network (in addition to SI.com).

You will get through this. We all do and will.


ME: 33 BH
HER: 32 WW
Married: 8 years
Children: Yes
DDay #1: 02/22/2006 (ONS)
DDay #2: 09/23/2012 (EA/PA)
DDay #3: 12/07/2012 (EA/PA)
DDay #4: 01/03/2013 (EA/PA)
DDay #5: 01/24/2013 (EA/PA)
TT until 04/07/2013
100% NC: 04/18/2013

Posts: 190 | Registered: Feb 2013
HelpMe123
Member
Member # 39044
Default  Posted: 10:24 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)

My WS is also out with the OW right now...I do wish he showed some kind of regret, and wanting of his family. I am new here (2 weeks tomorrow is my Dday) so I am in no position to give advice but I can tell you I come here often and just type away. The posters have been wonderful and have given me alot to move on with each day and event that has occured over the last 2 weeks. You are in good company here.


Me BS 37
Him 47
OW 32
Together 12 years
D-Day was told it was EA 4/11/2013 found out it was PA 4/21/2013 :( I am broken
1 son (9)
3 kids from previous (19,17,16)
His kids from previous 2 (17, 15)

Posts: 74 | Registered: Apr 2013
1stxmom
New Member
Member # 39078
Default  Posted: 8:51 AM, April 25th (Thursday)

He has been trying to find ways to reconnect. Date nights. Fun games. Questionnaires. Being more affectionate (which at this time is unwanted). He suggested counseling, we went once but it was more of an evaluation than anything. We have another session on Tuesday. I can't even articulate how I feel in the session because I'm still shocked and broken hearted. I don't know if his actions are sincere or because he's desperate and scared of losing his family. Why didn't he think about this/us before he acted.

Posts: 3 | Registered: Apr 2013
Jada52
Member
Member # 38984
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, April 25th (Thursday)

So sorry for your hurt. I got the exact same "thank you for loving me" card for our anniversary yesterday.

Why do they feel they have the right to hurt their spouse like this? I could never do to him what he has done to me.

I am sending good thoughts your way.


Silly Slut, husbands are for wives - get your own man B*tch!

Posts: 114 | Registered: Apr 2013
TrustGone
Member
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 3:14 PM, April 25th (Thursday)

I am so sorry that you are going through this. Every BS on this forum knows exactly how you feel and had the exact same questions as you do. It is impossible to understand what does or does not go through a WS's mind when they are cheating. Some say it's like an addiction they form from the high they get from the affair. Others say they compartmentalize their spouses and the AP. Still others have other theories, so who really knows. Most of the time the WS themselves can't even explain it or answer the age old question of "WHY" without deep digging into their own issues and lots of IC, if they are willing. Hopefully your WH is willing. Just know that none of his reasons will ever seem good enough for you because you don't think like he thinks. His main concern should now be to fix himself and help you heal from his betrayal. Anything short of that is selling yourself short. (((HUGS)))


BW-50
WH#2-51
M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
Topic Posts: 11