User Topic: Flow
Member # 36317
Content  Posted: 11:13 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)

I've been using a self-calming technique I decided on for a few months now and I find it is incredibly effective for me. It's quite simple. Be it stress, anger, sadness or any other undesired emotion at the time I remove myself from what is causing me the distress at that moment (as best I can). I close my eyes and say "Be still" and while doing so I envision water; be it a boiling pot, roiling ocean, a dripping tap into a bathtub, murky opaque swamp water, or something else. I picture the type of water that most closely resembles my current emotional state and a mentally try to make the water clear and still. I'm usually very successful at finding a place of peace by doing so, and even if I fail I'm in a much better state than before the effort. As I keep at this it's beginning to work more quickly and efficiently for me.

Thinking about this recently got me thinking of other characteristics to water and my relation to them.

Now I thought to lay out a bunch of metaphors regarding dams, bottlenecks, diverting rivers, drying lakebeds, garbage and pollution, salmon breeding, grizzly bears, whirlpools and other assorted things but it seems awfully unnecessary for my point. Which simply is I've finally found my ability to flow through life without needing to control the outcome.

Well I'll use one metaphor, life is much like a river to me. It starts up a mountain and typically flows water down to a termination point. There's branching paths, rapids, water falls and various other things you can make parallels to life situations with. In my life I resisted the flow; I thrashed and tried swimming every which way I pleased or clung to things and tried holding on. I didn't like feeling out of control and at the whim of the river. I bounced off rapids, was sucked down by the undercurrent on occasion and tossed off of falls never to catch a break because it just keeps going.

Mind you, the metaphor falls apart for me at the notion of just flowing along with no control of my life, but I'm more focusing on the relation to the greater whole of my life and those within it. I don't control the boulders, fish, logs or anything else that may prove to be obstacles within that river. Yet, I choose how I go down it, how prepared I wish to be and I decide what I'll do at each obstacle I encounter. I may not have a say in what awaits me along the river, but I choose and control how I wish to swim down it.

Which is really where I'm at in life right now. I stopped resisting the elements I cannot change and quit worrying about things out of my control. I flow now. Swift and precise and with a presence of mind I've never had before but I'm sure will guide me well into the future.

Recently I have had annoyances with my in-laws, irritation at my wife's work, problems with our home, issues with my daughter's behaviour, concerns about the impending birth of my son, frustration at our cats, and difficulties interacting with my sister (after years of no real contact). Then of course there's the regular day to day stresses. Plus we just stumbled past our D-Day "anniversary" and other infidelity related events and all the emotional turmoil that goes along with that.

You know what though? I'm pretty fucking good right now.

These events flow through me now as I flow through them. They surround me, envelop me, penetrate me, but are not me. I feel them, process them and deal with them. It helps tremendously that my wife has been wonderful for me despite having some rough days of her own.

I feel like I've finally reached the balance and peace I've wanted my whole life. Even if the life beyond me is difficult and not within my control at all times, I'm one with myself and it feels really good. I just had to learn to be still and flow.

Just sharing my random thoughts. Thanks for reading.

Me: 28 ~ Her (FR2012): 27
Together: 9 years, 2 children
D-Day: April 19, 2012

Surrender to the truth of life.

Posts: 466 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Traversing Dark Places With The Light of Truth
Member # 34716
Default  Posted: 11:48 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)

I totally fucking get you man.


My Friends call me Wonderboy--That's Mr. SuperduperWonderboy to you Tred.

Posts: 1296 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Everett
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 6:01 AM, April 25th (Thursday)

Nice, man. "Be like water."

"You have insulted my footwear."

Posts: 7477 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
Member # 37044
Default  Posted: 7:41 AM, April 25th (Thursday)


My mantra through all this is "Letting go is living". I feel sadness, anger & fear often. I acknowledge it, feel it, process it and let it go. I could stay in those feelings forever, immerse myself in them, bathe in them, flail around like I''m drowning in them, but I try not to.

It does help to have a remorseful spouse. Bless him.

Me: BW, Him: fWH
Together 12 years
My EA (?) 2005-2011
His STA/PA: D-day: 19/09/12
TT: 08/12/12

We are in R.

Posts: 698 | Registered: Oct 2012
Member # 35214
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, April 25th (Thursday)

These events flow through me now as I flow through them. They surround me, envelop me, penetrate me, but are not me.

Love love LOVE this....

Me: BS (43)Him: EX, aka "The Dink"(50)
D-Day#1 12/22/11. D-Day#2 5/23/2013.

Divorce final 2/10/14.

Throw me to the wolves and I'll return leading the pack.

Posts: 429 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: North Texas
Member # 38577
Default  Posted: 10:01 AM, April 25th (Thursday)

Wow VD2012. This is truly the best post I've read in a long time! Great analogy. Awesome stuff. Just what I needed. Thank you!

DDay: 1/16/13
ME: 49
WW: 43
2 boys: 9 and 13
Trying to R.
Married 15 years.
"keeping the faith"

Posts: 77 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: NE
Member # 35512
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, April 25th (Thursday)

Awesome post!

Me: BH, 43
Her: FWW, 41 (ThornyRose)
M: 16 years, together 19
2 Daughters: 14 and 12
D Day: 9/25/2011; Lies & TT to 5/4/2012
~Double betrayal; caught them in the act~

Posts: 729 | Registered: May 2012 | From: WI
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, April 25th (Thursday)

VD2012, You have no idea how much your post helped me. Thank you.

together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1396 | Registered: Dec 2012
Member # 38934
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, April 25th (Thursday)

Good post mate.

BH-29 (me)

Multi famam, conscientiam, pauci verentur.

Posts: 575 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Old Blighty
Member # 37645
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, April 25th (Thursday)

Helped me sleep last night. Totally cleared my mind of all the negatives running around in there unsupervised. First good nights sleep I've had in months.
Thanks - I think I'll start using this technique. You're AWESOME!!

BW (me) - 47
WH (him) - 39
DDay - 10/22/2012 (worst day of my life)

Learning to breathe again - one day at a time

Posts: 235 | Registered: Nov 2012
Member # 38622
Default  Posted: 2:24 PM, April 25th (Thursday)

just reding this slowed me down and calmed me. Thanks I will try this out.

ME-BS 34
M 6 Yrs
DDAY- 8/20/12

Posts: 332 | Registered: Mar 2013
Member # 38063
Default  Posted: 2:50 PM, April 25th (Thursday)

Great metaphor. Water is something I love. Ocean, rain, snow, hot tub, all forms of water..

I will use this VD.


Posts: 115 | Registered: Jan 2013
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 5:00 PM, April 25th (Thursday)

Just sent this to my and my FWHs home emails. Great post!

Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012

Posts: 4926 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Member # 36317
Default  Posted: 11:59 PM, April 25th (Thursday)

Just wanted to say thanks for the replies and kind words.

Also glad my post was helpful for others.

Me: 28 ~ Her (FR2012): 27
Together: 9 years, 2 children
D-Day: April 19, 2012

Surrender to the truth of life.

Posts: 466 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Traversing Dark Places With The Light of Truth
Member # 26025
Default  Posted: 2:11 AM, April 26th (Friday)

love it

thanks VD2012


Posts: 465 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: west coast
Topic Posts: 15