User Topic: I stood up for myself and it felt good
Member # 36574
Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, April 25th (Thursday)

Some of this may sound like a rant but here it goes. Sorry for the length.

Yesterday, I posted about trust and trying to understand why my wife doesn't seem to get that trust isn't restored overnight.

So I brought up the issue in MC last night as I planned.

First, we were reviewing the events of the week when I announced that I had participated in an ISA (infidelity survivors anonymous) call over the weekend. It's a 12 step program like Al-anon and I found it valuable. I hadn't told her at the time because I didn't think she would understand.

I brought it up in MC and for some reason, she started getting angry and resentful. Why didn't I tell her? How would I feel if she did the same thing? She tried to turn it into my keeping some sort of secret and then tried to make it into an argument about why it's ok for me to have "space" and not her. I repeated that I didn't think she'd understand and I wasn't keeping it secret because I brought it up in MC.

I brought it up in MC because it's safer for me to do it there. Because we can't talk about difficult things outside of MC. Because she wouldn't understand.

But it was a perfect segue into the trust issue which I'd hoped to discuss.

I explained to her and the MC that I don't quite understand why it is she doesn't get that trust takes a long time to restore and that the burden is on her to rebuild trust. She rejected that notion and said it wasn't her problem. I said it was most certainly her problem. She tried to argue the point but it didn't work. And thank God for the MC who didn't let her off the hook.

I could see her getting angrier and the MC even asked at one point what all the resentment was about.

You see, my wife says she wants freedom. She doesn't really want to pay the price for her actions. She wants to sacrifice nothing. I need to feel safe and it just seems that she's not willing to do whatever it takes.

A few weeks ago, she had gone to our parent group meeting (I didn't go that day). The meeting was supposed to be over by a certain time and she wasn't home so I texted her then called her. She answered and said she was annoyed. Annoyed. I brought this up last night. And the MC looked concerned and had to question her about that.

Who the hell is annoyed when their spouse who they almost destroyed is calling just so they can feel a little safer? Who does that? She has NO HUMILITY.

She went on to say she didn't understand why I was bringing up these issues when we'd had a good week. I said it was because we can never discuss anything difficult at home.

We have different visions of marriage. I think there are those who enjoy doing everything together. And other couples who are content to sort of live a married single life. Sorry, but if I wanted to be single I would have stayed single.

This discussion really struck a nerve with her. She tried her usual tactics of discrediting me but it didn't work. She called me co-dependent. She tried to say I was being contemptuous (I wasn't). She tries to jockey for position in front of our MC. But it won't work.

I stood up for myself, didn't get angry and it felt real good. It's amazing. I talk about my feelings and she hates it.

The problem is, I don't think any of this bodes well for the survival of our M.

We're supposed to go on a brief getaway tomorrow. Not sure how I feel about that. But I guess I'll just fake it for now.

Does she try sometimes? Yes. But it always seems forced.

The divorce complaint is ready. I have only to give the go ahead. In the midst of our argument last night, she even made some mention about why I don't just go ahead and leave her; I said nothing about that last night. And then she followed with saying I should put my money where my mouth is (about leaving her).

I just may have to do that soon.

[This message edited by phoenix54 at 10:04 AM, April 25th (Thursday)]

BH: 45 (me)
WW: 43
11 month PA/EA
4 children
D-day: 5/4/12
Married: 17 years
Trying to reconcile

Posts: 436 | Registered: Aug 2012
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 10:05 AM, April 25th (Thursday)


yep, recovery can't happen without this....

his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

The conditions we face do not define us. They remind us of who we are and who we want to be.

Posts: 5230 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 10:13 AM, April 25th (Thursday)

Good for you, phoenix54. AWESOME for you, in fact.

I'm really sorry that your standing up for yourself always seems to result in a bigger chasm, but that's not on you and you know it.


Cherish those who seek the truth but beware of those who find it. - François-Marie Arouet

Posts: 17755 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 10:15 AM, April 25th (Thursday)

This is the thing that stuck out the most for me, too, phoenix. I think you nailed it. Your wife does sound like a very proud woman. Which having pride in oneself is good, but not to the excess. It sounds to me that she doesn't really believe you will ever get to the point of following through with the divorce, because, ya know, she is just such a very special snowflake.

(((phoenix))) I am glad you stood up for yourself and that it felt good. Continue to stand up for yourself, you will feel better knowing that you have your back.

BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson

Posts: 9792 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 10:34 AM, April 25th (Thursday)

This happens to me everyday, everytime I find something important enough to stand up for myself for.

Now that STBXH isn't here as a buffer, it happens with family members, too. I think it's also called "bitch boots?"

I'm glad, Phoenix, I'm really glad that you stood up for yourself even if your W argued and even more glad that you have an MC who doesn't seem to take crap and sees through the sh people sell.

My STBXH was able to trick an MC we went to separately and she didn't know about his A or chasing a multitude of women or porn habits or NPD. He didn't tell her about his childhood and still doesn't think it relates-sorry, there I go.

It's just an example of how counseling can be manipulated and I am happy to find there are MCs out there who can hover in the middle.

Perv (STBXH of course) has no humility and doesn't show remorse or guilt though I suspect lately it's there. I think he's far too proud to show it? He also wanted to go along during false R after about two days of talking hard about the A and other crap he did but then got really angry and defensive. That was a red flag and I soon discovered he was chasing OW again on his textamaphone. He wanted to string us both and eat more cake, but got ratted out again.

And so after all that, he took off a last time to OW.

I hope it will work with you and your W if its what you want.

But whenever I hear a spouse is defensive when trying to R, the hair on the back of my neck stands up.

Good luck.

Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington

Posts: 2287 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 11:19 AM, April 25th (Thursday)

Awesome brother. Feels great doesn't it. Unfortunately, do you see yourself getting that same feeling with her? With the attitude she's displaying, I doubt it, especially if she has to deal with you as an equal. Won't have control over you then.

You see, my wife says she wants freedom

I know you're not there yet, but give it to her. In her arrogance and with

The divorce complaint is ready. I have only to give the go ahead. In the midst of our argument last night, she even made some mention about why I don't just go ahead and leave her; I said nothing about that last night. And then she followed with saying I should put my money where my mouth is (about leaving her).

I just may have to do that soon.

I don't think she believes you ever will. NPD's generally don't believe anyone would have the balls to stand up to the mightiness which is them.

She went on to say she didn't understand why I was bringing up these issues when we'd had a good week

Of course she doesn't understand, she CAN'T. See above. To her the week was great because it was on her terms. No concern for you. Only the fact that she had a good week. In that time frame, did she ask about you and/or your concerns/emotional state? What were her actions?

Good to see you're getting there brother!


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2968 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Member # 39019
Default  Posted: 11:33 AM, April 25th (Thursday)

inspirational phoenix. i dont have much trouble standing up for lots of things, my work, my children. i just have to be better at standing up for myself and my marriage. Thank you for this fine example. I hear myself saying "I can do that too."

Honesty is a very expensive gift. Don't expect it from cheap people.

Posts: 101 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Me=BW 45
Member # 36070
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, April 26th (Friday)

I am sorry to hear this is where you marriage is at. We are only 1 month apart in terms of Dday. I think I would have crumbled a long time ago if my husband had this attitude.

Please file the paperwork...and do it for yourself. You deserve so much more than she will ever be able to offer you. HUGS

Married 13 yrs
3 kids 13, 10 & 1
I'm 34
FWH 37
Affair lasted 6 months
Ended 09/2011
Found out 06/2012
My father died during the affair
In the middle of Reconcilliation

Posts: 291 | Registered: Jul 2012
Topic Posts: 8