Some of this may sound like a rant but here it goes. Sorry for the length.
Yesterday, I posted about trust and trying to understand why my wife doesn't seem to get that trust isn't restored overnight.
So I brought up the issue in MC last night as I planned.
First, we were reviewing the events of the week when I announced that I had participated in an ISA (infidelity survivors anonymous) call over the weekend. It's a 12 step program like Al-anon and I found it valuable. I hadn't told her at the time because I didn't think she would understand.
I brought it up in MC and for some reason, she started getting angry and resentful. Why didn't I tell her? How would I feel if she did the same thing? She tried to turn it into my keeping some sort of secret and then tried to make it into an argument about why it's ok for me to have "space" and not her. I repeated that I didn't think she'd understand and I wasn't keeping it secret because I brought it up in MC.
I brought it up in MC because it's safer for me to do it there. Because we can't talk about difficult things outside of MC. Because she wouldn't understand.
But it was a perfect segue into the trust issue which I'd hoped to discuss.
I explained to her and the MC that I don't quite understand why it is she doesn't get that trust takes a long time to restore and that the burden is on her to rebuild trust. She rejected that notion and said it wasn't her problem. I said it was most certainly her problem. She tried to argue the point but it didn't work. And thank God for the MC who didn't let her off the hook.
I could see her getting angrier and the MC even asked at one point what all the resentment was about.
You see, my wife says she wants freedom. She doesn't really want to pay the price for her actions. She wants to sacrifice nothing. I need to feel safe and it just seems that she's not willing to do whatever it takes.
A few weeks ago, she had gone to our parent group meeting (I didn't go that day). The meeting was supposed to be over by a certain time and she wasn't home so I texted her then called her. She answered and said she was annoyed. Annoyed. I brought this up last night. And the MC looked concerned and had to question her about that.
Who the hell is annoyed when their spouse who they almost destroyed is calling just so they can feel a little safer? Who does that? She has NO HUMILITY.
She went on to say she didn't understand why I was bringing up these issues when we'd had a good week. I said it was because we can never discuss anything difficult at home.
We have different visions of marriage. I think there are those who enjoy doing everything together. And other couples who are content to sort of live a married single life. Sorry, but if I wanted to be single I would have stayed single.
This discussion really struck a nerve with her. She tried her usual tactics of discrediting me but it didn't work. She called me co-dependent. She tried to say I was being contemptuous (I wasn't). She tries to jockey for position in front of our MC. But it won't work.
I stood up for myself, didn't get angry and it felt real good. It's amazing. I talk about my feelings and she hates it.
The problem is, I don't think any of this bodes well for the survival of our M.
We're supposed to go on a brief getaway tomorrow. Not sure how I feel about that. But I guess I'll just fake it for now.
Does she try sometimes? Yes. But it always seems forced.
The divorce complaint is ready. I have only to give the go ahead. In the midst of our argument last night, she even made some mention about why I don't just go ahead and leave her; I said nothing about that last night. And then she followed with saying I should put my money where my mouth is (about leaving her).
I just may have to do that soon.