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Just Found Out
User Topic: When It Involves a Stripper/Prostitute
cds22
Member
Member # 39083
Default  Posted: 10:05 AM, April 25th (Thursday)

My husband went to a strip bar while on a business trip and paid for a lap dance and ended up giving the stripper oral sex. She wanted to have intercourse with him for money, he said no, left, threw up in the parking lot, confessed, and has been a physical and emotional wreck since.

My biggest concern is not my husband cheating again. I know this has never happened before, going to the strip bar was an unusual thing for him, he has no ability to keep secrets and does have a good moral character in general, and he has made himself seriously ill over this for two months now. It was so out of character. He has initiated IC, MC, is seeing a psychiatrist because he started having anxiety attacks after the infidelity, has always taken full responsibility for his actions.

However, I am having a lot of difficulty getting past the fact that this was with a commercial sex worker, probably diseased, and just . . . gross. He has been tested and is being retested for caution, he never put me at risk, but this is just so repulsive to me. We are professionals, have two sweet kids. I don't know how to explain this but things like strippers and commercial sex workers are not part of my world (or weren't)and I am can't get over my shock.

If this has happened to you or someone you know, do you ever get over the revulsion and disgust? I feel like my husband's mouth is dirty now and maybe I will feel that way forever. We used to have such sweet kisses and a rare bond -- our marriage was far from perfect but we have always been crazy about each other. I feel like that might never come back . . .

[This message edited by cds22 at 12:06 PM, April 25th (Thursday)]


Posts: 236 | Registered: Apr 2013
Missymomma
Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 10:15 AM, April 25th (Thursday)

My SAWH acted out with strippers first and then prostitutes. It is a good thing that your WH got help immediately. When your WH has figured out his whys and worked very hard on regaining his integrity, you will have respect for him again. It takes a long time. That is why it is a 2-5 year process.

I feel the same way about sex workers. I never associated with strippers or went to a strip club. It is just not something that men in my family did. It is morally repugnant to me. I will never be ok with what my SAWH did but I can move toward forgiveness as he is working very hard on himself and his problems.


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, April 25th (Thursday)

So he had no problem having oral sex with this stripper,but having vaginal sex was a no-no?

Yeah. Im sorry but I doubt this is true. He is probably telling you he "only" had oral with her because he thinks it will seem "better" than full on sex.

Cheaters lie and minimize.

Please get tested for STD's.


((((cds22))))

[This message edited by confused615 at 10:21 AM, April 25th (Thursday)]


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7756 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
cds22
Member
Member # 39083
Default  Posted: 10:33 AM, April 25th (Thursday)

I will be tested but I believe him that it was oral sex -- and I don't view it as "just" oral sex, I view it as a full infidelity. And so does he.

We have been together for 20 years/13 married, he has never lied to me, he didn't lie to me this time either but told me, expecting me to leave. Our MC does not see red flags and tells us that sometimes he sees people for infidelity that just make one-time terrible mistakes.

I understand why you are concerned though -- I can already see there are many heartbreaking stories on here of people being lied to. Of course, I can't say for sure that I won't be among them. But, I believe this was an awful, destructive mid-life mistake that I hope won't define him or our marriage.


Posts: 236 | Registered: Apr 2013
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, April 25th (Thursday)

Im sorry,I think you misunderstood me. Yes,oral sex is full blown infidelity,absolutely. Im saying nearly every wayward will minimize at first..they tell you a small bit of what happened,to gauge your reaction..and will TT you..meaning a little more will come out..until you find out that EA was a PA..or that oral was also vaginal,etc.


And,gently. This was not a mistake. He chose to go to a strip club. he chose to pay for a lap dance. He chose to take her g-string off and perform oral sex. This was a choice,not a mistake.

Has he told you why he was at the club? Where the oral sex took place? And why he was willing to put that part of her body into his mouth,yet wouldn't have intercourse with her?


Other than IC and MC what he is he doing?

Is he transparent? Does he answer all of your questions without anger or defensiveness?

Do you have full access to all of his accounts,including his cell? Passwords too?

What else is he doing?

[This message edited by confused615 at 10:38 AM, April 25th (Thursday)]


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7756 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
cds22
Member
Member # 39083
Default  Posted: 10:59 AM, April 25th (Thursday)

Well, I am open to advice here. :) I am new at this and never imagined my life taking this turn.

Yes, it was a choice I agree - - but I think the choice was a terrible mistake and out of character. I cannot square this with the man I have admired my whole adult life for his kindness, who chose his career based on taking care of others, who gets up every single morning with our son who rises at 5am so I can sleep in, who has supported me through two recent family losses and has been my partner for half of my adult life.

I realize I sound like a fool here and that is apparently something else I need to live with now.

He has been fully transparent about every detail of this sordid event, he has not been angry at me or defensive (though he has been very sad and basically curled in a ball which is getting hard for me). He experienced for the first time in the two decades I have known him a severe depression and panic attacks so he is seeing a psychiatrist for medication. He also saw two professionals to be evaluated in case it was bipolar, sex addiction, some other etc and both of those people said no he was in a major depression and that he had poor coping skills for his high stress lifestyle/job. He is now taking medication for the depression, starting to exercise a little, and I think working on the coping skills in IC (though I don't ask about IC).

This is the second time in our marriage he has been to a strip club-- the other was a bachelor party. He told me he started watching porn a few times per week about six months ago.

I have asked hundreds of times why. And he has told me again and again it was not our marriage, he can't stand for me to blame myself. He said that he wishes he could say it was depression but it would be a lie. He says the awful truth is that it was selfishness and wanting sexual titillation and thinking somehow he could get away with it and just not tell me. In my view, this is all correct but I would add to it that my husband works incredibly hard, 60-70 hours per week, and is a hands on dad every other waking minute of the day and I think he just has no outlets.

As for the last question, no I haven't looked at his cell phone or asked to look at it. I use his iphone sometimes for internet access or tooling around in the car. We have always shared email passwords for dealing with kid stuff and travel plans and I have never seen anything off there.



Posts: 236 | Registered: Apr 2013
27yearsnowlost
Member
Member # 38787
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, April 25th (Thursday)

So sorry you are here...

My WH of 27 years hire someone off of Craigslist for oral sex in our car.

It has 7 weeks as of today for d day. I struggle every day with....has he told me everything???. He also said she offered vaginal sex at her place but he said he said no.

The mental movies that go threw my head are the same as you. Who and what did she "do" before being with my WH.

He still can't tell me why he would do this to us. He is in IC and trying very hard to repair us.

I take it one day at a time. That's all I can do at this point. I have read almost everything on this site. It has been very helpful knowing that I'm not alone or crazy.


Bw (me) 47
WH (him) 59
D day 3/7/2013
Married 26 together 28
2 adult sons 25 and 22

Posts: 167 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: nj
brokensmile322
Member
Member # 35758
Default  Posted: 11:08 AM, April 25th (Thursday)

Really? Well, I guess I am naive. I had no idea that a man could touch anyone at a strip club. Yes, new about lap dances, but thought the girls could only touch the men. No idea about sex or oral. YUK!

Don't know if WH has been to any....guess I'll be asking that question.

Hugs, CDS! I don't know about getting over the revulsion. Have you been able to kiss him? Are you in IC? Do you even want to get over it?


Me BS 42 Him WS 44
OW Coworker DDay April 7, 2012
EA on a slippery slope...

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl

"When you are happy, you can forgive a great deal."


Posts: 1572 | Registered: Jun 2012
cds22
Member
Member # 39083
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, April 25th (Thursday)

Oh, I realized I didn't answer all of your questions. I suppose it is therapeutic to get this all out.

He said at his business trip, the coordinator was going on and on about someone else's work and he started to feel really bad and stressed. He was driving home in the rental car and he passed a strip bar sign with lights and pulled in. He told me he was not intending to have any physical contact just to go to a strip bar.

He said when I got inside he had a bad feeling about the place. The strippers were doing lots of crotch-grabbing and my husband had a few drinks-though he is very clear he was not drunk. He went to a booth with the woman for the lap dance The woman put her private area basically in his face during the course of that and then I think it escalated to oral sex. I am not sure if he took off a g-string -- I didn't think to ask. He said it lasted about a minute or so and it was not what he had thought it would be. The stripper was not attractive, it didn't feel very good or exciting the way he thought it was going to, and he started to get really upset and panicked and he left.

Oh, I didn't realize you could touch anyone either. I don't think this was an above-board strip bar if such a thing exists.

No, we have not kissed since.

[This message edited by cds22 at 11:21 AM, April 25th (Thursday)]


Posts: 236 | Registered: Apr 2013
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 11:18 AM, April 25th (Thursday)

Im really sorry that you're here,and having to deal with this. But,Im so glad you found us. This site is full of the kindest,most caring people you will ever "meet."

Im reading an awful lot about your WH,but very little about you. How are you handling this? Are you taking care of yourself? Are you eating and getting enough sleep? Finding out you've been betrayed by your spouse is traumatizing. It's alot to deal with,and sometimes we forget to take care of ourselves.

Also, you should get tested. Oral sex can carry STD's. If your WH kissed you when he got back from that trip,or if you had sex,you need to be tested. Him being tested is good..but you need to take care of yourself also. HPV is very common these days,and there is no test to determine if a man has it. But there are tests for women.


ETA: Oops! Missed that you hadn't kissed. ugh. Im sorry. That must be hard. Instead of deleting my comment about STD/HPV,Im going to leave it....someone here may read it and realize they need to be tested.


((((cds22))))

[This message edited by confused615 at 11:20 AM, April 25th (Thursday)]


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7756 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
brokensmile322
Member
Member # 35758
Default  Posted: 11:18 AM, April 25th (Thursday)

cds,

I'm sorry that you have not been able to kiss.

When is your dday? And are you in independent counseling. I highly recommend it especially when you can't kiss.


Me BS 42 Him WS 44
OW Coworker DDay April 7, 2012
EA on a slippery slope...

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl

"When you are happy, you can forgive a great deal."


Posts: 1572 | Registered: Jun 2012
JanaGreen
Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, April 25th (Thursday)

My biggest concern is not my husband cheating again. I know this has never happened before, going to the strip bar was an unusual thing for him, he has no ability to keep secrets and does have a good moral character in general, and he has made himself seriously ill over this for two months now. It was so out of character. He has initiated IC, MC, is seeing a psychiatrist because he started having anxiety attacks after the infidelity, has always taken full responsibility for his actions.


I'm so sorry.

I could have written this two months after my first D-Day. Note that I said my FIRST D-Day.

It's good that he's in counseling but make sure he addresses the issues of WHY he let himself do this, and doesn't just beat himself up unproductively.

((HUGS))


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6835 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
cds22
Member
Member # 39083
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, April 25th (Thursday)

Me? I am having a hard time. Things started to go wrong one year ago when my sister died unexpectedly at age 32. My mother was quite ill already and that pushed her over the edge and she died four months later after a brutal series of strokes with my whole family flying back and forth and my husband trying to help coordinate her medical care. Two weeks after her death, I then had a very high pressure work commitment I had to complete that involved the whole family traveling with me for two months - - the work part of that went really well, but it was very draining and I didn't get to mourn my mother. My husband took off a lot of work to come with me and take care of the kids so we wouldn't have to be apart. He was my rock during all of this which makes this all the more upsetting now. Right before my husband cheated we were trying to get pregnant--a high-risk pregnancy that we were both stressed out about. It is very important to me to have another child. He and I found out I was pregnant after he got home from the business trip/stripper. I miscarried that baby and had the D&C last week.

On the positive side, I am fairly resilient by nature and I do have a lot of resources. I started IC again with the counselor I saw when my sister died last spring, I started seeing a bodywork person for a weekly massage, and I try to take walks. I have confided in exactly one IRL friend--my best friend who is older, lives out of state, is unmarried, and has known my husband for over ten years too. She has been wonderful which is good because I was decided for the get-go I wanted this whole thing limited to one trusted confidante.

I want to stay with my husband if we can have the same or better quality marriage. But I am not very eager to live the rest of my life feeling like I have a tarnished, second-best version of what I used to have.


Posts: 236 | Registered: Apr 2013
JanaGreen
Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, April 25th (Thursday)

Oh my God, I am so so sorry for your losses. I had a miscarriage & D&C in January 2009, and I can't imagine trying to deal with that grief and finding out about an infidelity at the same time. I'm so sorry cds22. It sounds like you are a whole lot smarter about taking care of yourself than I was, so that's great. ((HUGS))


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6835 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, April 25th (Thursday)

Im so sorry..you have lost so much,in such a short period of time.

Honey,if he is remorseful and willing to do the hard work to repair the damage he has done to you,himself,and the marriage,R is possible. Many have said their marriage is better..not in any way because of the infidelity...but because both partners have worked together(the WS carrying most of that burden) to have a healthier marriage than before.

But Im afraid it will never be the same. You will adjust to a new normal,but it just can't be the same.

Big hugs to you.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7756 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
mysticpenguin
Member
Member # 38839
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, April 25th (Thursday)

Very very very gently -- I had my first (note "first") D-Day fairly recently and I see a lot of myself in you, even though I'm sure our stories and backgrounds have fundamental differences. I had one D-Day in Feb., joined here, several people said, "I think you've just discovered the tip of the iceberg," I said "oh no no no I know him, this is out of character" -- and two months later, bam, D-Day 2, where the other-woman-count jumped from 1 to 4.

Also, I am SO SORRY for the terrible time you are having. I know how much that complicates things. :( Just as background for all that I'm about to say... I found out about my husband's infidelities during the first four months of this year. Just before my first D-Day, my 29-year-old cousin who truly was like my brother (we lived together for the early part of our lives, and his mother provided daily daycare for me until I was in middle school) died very very suddenly of Guillain-Barre, I flew home for 2 days for the funeral & came back to have lost my job of 2 years, my sister was raped and testified against the rapist in court, and an uncle committed suicide. Through all these things, my husband was my rock, too, and I don't know how I would've handled all that stress without his support. I understand -- so much trauma, so fast, and then to find out your rock betrayed you... it's unreal. Anyway. Here's my take.

Well, I am open to advice here. :) I am new at this and never imagined my life taking this turn.

First and foremost - I am so sorry you're here :(

Yes, it was a choice I agree - - but I think the choice was a terrible mistake and out of character. I cannot square this with the man I have admired my whole adult life for his kindness, who chose his career based on taking care of others, who gets up every single morning with our son who rises at 5am so I can sleep in, who has supported me through two recent family losses and has been my partner for half of my adult life.

I could have written that same thing about my WH. Well, except we have a very needy dog (medical problems), not any human children. Nonetheless - I still am having trouble squaring what I know with the man I know. I feel you on this. Even when he told me it was just one single solitary month-long fling, I had a lot of trouble fitting that with who I know him to be. I think every betrayed partner here could say the same thing, unfortunately.


I realize I sound like a fool here and that is apparently something else I need to live with now.

You don't sound like a fool. You sound like a strong woman who loved and trusted and has recently found out that some of what she loved and trusted was and is a lie.

He has been fully transparent about every detail of this sordid event, he has not been angry at me or defensive (though he has been very sad and basically curled in a ball which is getting hard for me). He experienced for the first time in the two decades I have known him a severe depression and panic attacks so he is seeing a psychiatrist for medication. He also saw two professionals to be evaluated in case it was bipolar, sex addiction, some other etc and both of those people said no he was in a major depression and that he had poor coping skills for his high stress lifestyle/job. He is now taking medication for the depression, starting to exercise a little, and I think working on the coping skills in IC (though I don't ask about IC).

This is all well and good, and it's heartening to see initiative, but at some point in the immediate future this needs to turn from "woe is me, major depression, curled into the fetal position" to "how do I make amends to my mortally wounded marriage, support my hurting wife, and help her trust me again?" Yes, it's good he's seeing a psychiatrist and an IC. Until he figures his crap out, I would say hold off on MC and continue to both see your own ICs. In curling up in a ball and crying, he is making HIS pain the center of attention. Well, he's the one who fucked up, quite frankly. So this is about him supporting you in your pain right now, not you supporting him in his pain. You focusing on his pain vs. your own is really excusing him from facing some responsibility. He's preventing you from getting angry or upset, because you're in a caretaker role. Make sense?

This is the second time in our marriage he has been to a strip club-- the other was a bachelor party. He told me he started watching porn a few times per week about six months ago.

I have asked hundreds of times why. And he has told me again and again it was not our marriage, he can't stand for me to blame myself. He said that he wishes he could say it was depression but it would be a lie. He says the awful truth is that it was selfishness and wanting sexual titillation and thinking somehow he could get away with it and just not tell me. In my view, this is all correct but I would add to it that my husband works incredibly hard, 60-70 hours per week, and is a hands on dad every other waking minute of the day and I think he just has no outlets.

Okay -- what outlets do you have? It sounds like you are a working mom, so by my calculation, you work 24 hours a day x 7 days a week... and you did not betray your husband.

Don't accept his excuses. Plenty of people work 60+ hours a week and are also parents and don't cheat on their spouses. He was unfaithful because of something wrong deep inside him, not because of conditions in your marriage or his stressful job.

As for the last question, no I haven't looked at his cell phone or asked to look at it. I use his iphone sometimes for internet access or tooling around in the car. We have always shared email passwords for dealing with kid stuff and travel plans and I have never seen anything off there.

Is his phone password protected?

I'll finish with this.

Most men don't even perform oral sex on their girlfriends. I have never heard of a man giving a woman oral sex and then refusing to have vaginal intercourse. There's no pleasure for him in providing oral sex to her. I mean, wouldn't you think if he was going to step outside the bounds of his marriage, he'd at least do something that felt good for him? If he was going to mess around with a stripper of all people, don't you think he'd have a hard time putting that part of the female anatomy into his mouth? That would certainly be grosser and less pleasant than vaginal intercourse for many men.

((HUGS))

I know this is hard, and it's so hard to reconcile the man you know with the ugly thing he did. Take your time. Focus on YOU. Don't feel bad for him. He made his bed, as the saying goes.

[This message edited by mysticpenguin at 12:49 PM, April 25th (Thursday)]


Betrayed

Posts: 306 | Registered: Mar 2013
cds22
Member
Member # 39083
Default  Posted: 12:55 PM, April 25th (Thursday)

Thanks everyone for the support and feedback.

Well, I agree it is weird that he gave her oral sex and he thinks it weird--he says he even screwed up cheating. Without getting too personal, I think giving oral sex is something he has found enjoyable in the past in more normal relationships. And most of all I think it was literally right there -- opportunity. Having vaginal intercourse or rec'ing oral sex would have involved moving rooms, taking off clothes, and I am not convinced he was ready to go that far with it. He is a healthcare provider and well aware of how dangerous what he did was and how much more dangerous vaginal sex, even protected, would have been on the risk scale.

To be fair, he didn't say he did it because of work stress. It is my own view that he extreme stress/poor coping skills and a lot of midlife stuff were factors. What he has told me again and again is selfish/sexual thrill/not thinking/not thinking about family/wanted to experience something new sexually--his words were that what he wanted to experience was new skin, new hair, new sweat.

And yes, it is clearly the case that now I, old skin, old hair, and old sweat, am stuck in a caregiving role. We have talked about my very mixed feelings about this and my resentment. But I don't know what to do. If he does not get better we can't even begin to repair things and since he has very few friends (the work issue) and doesn't want to tell his parents he has no other supports other than his counselor. It is not a good situation at all and I have thought about separating and letting him get himself together on his own. But it doesn't feel right to me to leave when he is sick and it also would be very traumatizing to my young children.

Oh, his phone is not password protected. Neither his computer. I suppose I could go look there but I feel very uncomfortable with that and I can't live that way long-term, casing his phone and email.

[This message edited by cds22 at 12:58 PM, April 25th (Thursday)]


Posts: 236 | Registered: Apr 2013
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 1:11 PM, April 25th (Thursday)

So..it is ok to perform oral sex with a stripper..out on the floor...but for him to recieve oral,they would have had to switch rooms? Honey...that doesn't make sense. He is saying he had no problem putting his mouth on her vagina..in front of the entire club..but switching to a more private room so he could get something out of it..that was taking things too far? Because switching rooms and removing clothes is too far? Yet giving her oral in front of the other dancers,bouncers, bartenders,and the other customers in the club wasn't?

Im so sorry. I think you've only heard a bit of the story. I understand your need...your primal,raw need to believe him..to think he didn't go "that far." But his story doesn't make sense.

ETA: Also,you said he said the stripper wasn't attractive..yet he chose her to give him a lap dance. When a man gets a lap dance,they request it from the dancer..the dancer isn't chosen for them..so he picked her. His story of her being unattractive sounds like bullshit..because he picked her out. he said the dancers were grabbing crotches...so when he requested that dance..he knew it would go beyond a lap dance.

[This message edited by confused615 at 1:16 PM, April 25th (Thursday)]


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7756 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
cds22
Member
Member # 39083
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, April 25th (Thursday)

No he didn't say anything about switching rooms. I said that. I am assuming they would??? I mean, they don't just do it out there in a public room, do they? This is so horrifying to me, it really is, I can't believe this is what I am now writing about. Anyway, the question previously was why give her oral and I admit it was weird but frankly I think it was there, literally right there in his face. I think it was a lap dance that went way (way) too far. I don't think he was prepared to take it to vaginal sex for a variety of reasons -- health, sort of coming to his senses and realizing he was not enjoying himself, hopefully thinking about our family and the risk to us. But, obviously I cannot know, can never know, and that is the trap of all of this.

I guess I don't know about him requesting her. I didn't realize that was how it worked. He said it was different from any place he had been to, he now thinks it was probably a house of prostitution. As I understand it she came up to him and was grabbing his crotch. But I will ask about the choosing her aspect.

I can ask him again if there is more but this happened about seven weeks ago, I have asked that many times, we have been through it with the MC. He swears nothing and he has never lied to me before.

[This message edited by cds22 at 1:20 PM, April 25th (Thursday)]


Posts: 236 | Registered: Apr 2013
lieshurt
Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, April 25th (Thursday)

CDS22, in order for him to have been able to give her oral, they would have had to have been in a private room/area to begin with and you have to pay extra for that. There is no way he did that out in the open for others to see. The club wouldn't have risked that.

Have him take a polygraph to get to the full truth.


Walk away from anything or anyone who takes away your joy. Life is too short to put up with fools.

Posts: 13818 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
cds22
Member
Member # 39083
Default  Posted: 1:25 PM, April 25th (Thursday)

He said there were booths in the public room with side walls. Does that sound right? I don't think anyone realized it was oral since it lasted for at most 2 minutes, he thinks 1 minute. I don't think a G-string came off but I need to ask. It sounded to me like they do a lot of dancing in clients' faces.

This place is on the other coast for me but maybe I need to see it to figure this out? Or phone them? I mean how does one deal with this?


Posts: 236 | Registered: Apr 2013
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, April 25th (Thursday)

You need to talk to painpaingoaway. Her husband met a stripper in a club. She was able to dig up all kinds of things about the club,if I recall correctly. I will see if I can find her and ask her to check this thread.


In the meantime..yes..they request a lap dance..the girl is not chosen for them,they choose the girl.

And I was thinking the same thing as lieshurt. That him giving her oral out on the floor...booth or not...sounds really,really odd. That kind of thing can get them arrested,and you never know when a cop is there undercover. And yes,he would have paid for the oral ahead of doing it.

I think him admitting when he walked in he noticed the dancers grabbing at crotches..I think that is a very telling piece of this story he's told you. WHY would he ask for a lap dance and think it wouldn't go beyond a lap dance if he already admitted they were touching the men? He knew what he was getting. He had been there long enough to down a few drinks.

I have a little sister..18 years younger than me. She runs with..or used to run with...a wild crowd. it included strippers. I had the "pleasure" of spending the day with a few. One was a nice girl She was working her way through law school. 2 of them were flat out whores. They worked in seedy clubs,and they took money for sexual favors..and they liked to brag. I got quite the education on strippers that day.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7756 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 2:17 PM, April 25th (Thursday)

Honey,I know I sound pushy. Im sorry. I really am. Just like there is a WS fog,there is a BS fog. And there are just so many things in this story he has told you that don't ring true.

I mean for my advice to be helpful,and supportive. I truly hope you are taking that way. The very last thing I want to do is cause you more pain.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7756 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
cds22
Member
Member # 39083
Default  Posted: 2:40 PM, April 25th (Thursday)

Oh no, I know you are all trying to protect from more pain later.

I think my husband did want something to happen and obviously it did . . . touching, kissing, etc. I don't think he intended, at least walking in there, for it to go to the level of sex. My understanding is that he just paid $50 for the lap dance and did not pay or arrange in advance for the oral sex. I think she may have done it as an entre to having him pay for intercourse which he refused.

Someone mentioned a polygraph. Is that an accurate measure and administered by reputable people? It would be bad for the polygraph to miss a lie and it would be even worse in my book for it to record something as a lie that was actually the truth.


Posts: 236 | Registered: Apr 2013
JanaGreen
Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 2:44 PM, April 25th (Thursday)

Did he have cash on him or did he make a withdrawal before going into the club? If he made a withdrawal, do you know how much it was?

Was this a city he was familiar with, or someplace he'd never been before?

Personally I'd want to check his phone - I'm assuming he has a smartphone. I'd want to see what he google searched, and his call logs. You can learn a lot this way. I spoke personally to the escort who, er, serviced my H.

ETA: I know your initial question was how do you get over the revulsion and disgust - for me, I had to be confident I had the whole truth - or as much as his insanely drunk ass could possibly remember - before I could start to get over the disgust.

[This message edited by JanaGreen at 2:45 PM, April 25th (Thursday)]


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6835 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
sparklingwater
Member
Member # 38792
Default  Posted: 2:47 PM, April 25th (Thursday)

cds22,

I would consider having a look through his phone and his internet history. If there is nothing untoward there, you have peace of mind, but if there is then at least you know.

You mentioned he has started watching porn in the last 6 months. Seemed a bit odd to me why he would suddenly start doing that. That coupled with the need for "new skin, new hair" etc made me wonder what is really going on with him.


Newly single and trying to find my feet.

There's always light at the end of the tunnel, just pray it's not a train.


Posts: 104 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Australia
cds22
Member
Member # 39083
Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, April 25th (Thursday)

I think it was cash. I can check the withdrawal. But it would be very hard to tell because he would have been withdrawing for travel expenses at that point too.

He was in LA. He has been there before but he doesn't know the city and I think the part of the city he was staying in for the business trip was new to him.

I can check the internet and phone but it does not feel good to me at all. I can do this once or twice but I can't live like this.


Posts: 236 | Registered: Apr 2013
Butterfly24
Member
Member # 39053
Default  Posted: 3:24 PM, April 25th (Thursday)

I don't know if you read my post the other day about my husband having sex with a prostitute. He said the only thing he did unprotected was her giving him oral.

I now have herpes. You need to get checked.


Posts: 64 | Registered: Apr 2013
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 3:50 PM, April 25th (Thursday)

Welcome, and sorry you have to be here.

This is very painful, but you really need to listen what others are telling you. It sounds as though he has manipulated the story to minimize waht he did.

He has broken your trust, even if you don't want to see it as such. Blindly trusting him without him realizing why he did it is just setting yourself up for more hurt. I tried to take a high road initially too, however more and more came to surface that just didn't feel right, sound right, or make sense. Thus the Keylogger, and phone checking started. This is when I got oh so much more proof, and ultimately the truth.

If you push for a poly, and yes they can be very reliable. You may get more real truth without having to go through with it.

But honestly step back and think about what he has told you and the events that occured. If someone told your best friend this story and she said I believe him because I love him, what would your response be?

We are not judging, we are just trying to share from our experiences and help you through this.

Oh and it's time he stopped feeling sorry for himself and focus on what he has done to you, and the sooner you force this the sooner things can heal.

((((and strength)))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8744 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
cds22
Member
Member # 39083
Default  Posted: 4:15 PM, April 25th (Thursday)

Ok, I phoned him. He said he went with her into something that was between a booth/room. It had three floor to ceiling walls but then no fourth wall so it was open to the room. He said there were only two strippers there, the place was very seedy, and she approached him (who approached who does not matter to me but people asked about him choosing her). He said she was touching him in his private areas before they went to the booth room. He said she took off her own underwear in that room, he did not take it off. He said he did not go into the room expecting the oral sex to occur, he was expecting a lap dance and perhaps more, he cannot really tell me what he was thinking or expecting at the time because he was not thinking.

I understand what all of you are saying, I do. I will take the steps you recommend. But, ultimately I am in a very bad position here. If I don't ever believe anything he says our marriage will end, we won't stay together like that. And I will wind up heartbroken. If I do believe him the sentiment seems to be I am setting myself up for more pain. And I will wind up heartbroken.

Does anyone have an Option C?


Posts: 236 | Registered: Apr 2013
tryinghard2013
Member
Member # 37981
Default  Posted: 4:23 PM, April 25th (Thursday)

Option c is that he tells u the whole painful truth and you decide whether to reconcile or not because we here can all tell you the longer it takes for the real truth the harder it will be to forgive and heal

Posts: 130 | Registered: Jan 2013
sparklingwater
Member
Member # 38792
Default  Posted: 5:09 PM, April 25th (Thursday)

3 months ago, I never would have believed my SO could do the things he has done (which I found out about in his internet history). I'm sure a few months ago you never would have believed what you have found out about your husband also. At this point they can't be trusted. They are in damage control mode.

From what I have heard about strip joints where I live in Aus- you pay for a lap dance and they take place in a semi secluded area like the booth/room you described. There is a very strict no touch policy and there is security to reinforce this. (Even though the girls touch the guys - the guys are not allowed to touch the girls). Anything extra could be negotiated but wouldn't happen in that room. That is just me hearing from guys over the years as to what happens. Could be totally different where you are at, particularly if it is a sleazy (aren't they all?) place.


Newly single and trying to find my feet.

There's always light at the end of the tunnel, just pray it's not a train.


Posts: 104 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Australia
brokenblackbird
Member
Member # 29541
Default  Posted: 5:41 PM, April 25th (Thursday)

I understand what all of you are saying, I do. I will take the steps you recommend. But, ultimately I am in a very bad position here. If I don't ever believe anything he says our marriage will end, we won't stay together like that. And I will wind up heartbroken. If I do believe him the sentiment seems to be I am setting myself up for more pain. And I will wind up heartbroken.

There is a saying around here "Trust but verify". Which means, you can trust your husband but also verify what he is saying is the truth.

We were all blind to what happened to us. None of us believed infidelity would ever happen to us. We all had a different marriage, right? Our husbands/wives would NEVER do that to us! And BOOM, it happened. Our world crumbled, we doubted everything that had ever happened in our relationship, and worst of all, we doubted ourselves.

Everyone here is giving you good advice. Verify what your husband is telling you. A consistent pattern of honesty builds trust. His honesty = your trust. But how do you know if he is honest? You verify it. If that means looking through his internet history, then thats what it means for you. Or it could be checking his phone and the interior of his car (trust me, lots of stuff gets left in the car, like receipts from strip clubs - I found one of those on a night my husband was at a work meeting).

If you don't want to check, then don't. We've all been on the edge of wondering if we are crazy, is s/he telling us the truth. Old timers try to give new comers the best advice to prevent them being hurt again like many of us were. Maybe we even give advice we wish we'd taken when we had the chance...


Posts: 787 | Registered: Sep 2010
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 5:47 PM, April 25th (Thursday)

Rather than getting bogged down and swirling around in the uncertainty of the details you've provided.......I want to focus on his mindset.

He has been using porn for the past 6 months without your knowledge. I think that you should find out what type of porn he was watching. And if he used a computer for his viewing, then you MOST definitely should look at the internet phone history and check his data usage numbers.

Also, he wanted *new hair, skin, sweat*. Ok, hair and skin follows along with wanting *bright and shiny*, but IMO......*sweat* doesn't fit. Stroking someone's hair doesn't make them sweat. Kissing someone doesn't make them sweat. The context of his usage indicates.......*contact* sweat. I definitely think that there was more than just *looking* on his mind when he went to that club.

And last. His being curled up in a ball is just too over the top. Yes, he did *wrong*, but you are coming across as very understanding and amenable. His reaction, coupled with the severe depression is leading me to think that he is feeling a great deal of shame. An amount that seems to me, is disproportionate to what he has told you he did.


Sorry for any typos or unclear sentences.....I'm on my phone.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8114 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
cds22
Member
Member # 39083
Default  Posted: 8:40 PM, April 25th (Thursday)

Well I feel badly exposing all of you to this ugliness, but here it is.

I checked his email, his text messages, and attempted to check his internet history. Email and texts were fine. Internet browsing history had been deleted. He told me he regularly deletes his internet history because he views porn on it and our sitters are always using his computer as I am (this is true, we are always on his laptop). I told him he had to show me the sites he has been going to and what he has been viewing. I told him that people delete their browsing history when they have things to hide. He needed to tell me everything tonight, if anything came out later it would be over between us, I would have full custody of the kids and his visitation would be supervised, and I would tell everyone in his life everything. I have considerable financial and legal resources and this was not an idle threat.

He showed me the porn sites - - I sort of looked through squinted eyes but it seemed like standard porn. He told me there was never anything involving children, violence, rape, animals, homosexual men and that all of the above were reprehensible to him. He said his biggest turn on for pornography has been watching lesbians and threesomes. I don't know how deviant that is? He said he felt like that watching lesbians/threesomes played into the oral sex at the strip bar. I asked him if the strip bar was a way of stepping deeper into that fantasy world and he said yes but that he didn't intend it to end in sex (that is the oral sex).

I think he may have a pornography addiction. Across our marriage he has watched twice a month for 15-20 minutes. However, in the past six months that ramped up. I was out of town for work for a month and he watched every night; for the rest of the time he has been watching three times per week usually for 15 minutes. However, he said "it is like a drug to me" and "it is like a total escape into another world." Also, after he told me about the infidelity we discussed the fact he had been watching porn and I told him I didn't feel comfortable being anyone's censor but I thought this was not a good idea for him. He told me he agreed it was not a good idea and from that I left with the impression the viewing would stop. He told me that he was viewed three times since the infidelity, that he didn't view our conversation as an absolute ban, but he did feel the need to hide it from me and also from our babysitters so he deleted his browsing history. He said he has religiously deleted his browsing history for years because the kids and sitters are on his laptop alot.

I told him if there was anything else I absolutely needed to know now, if it came out later we could not repair things. He said he had never contacted anyone, never spent money on a web site, but he did google search erotic massage parlors in our area twice. He never went to one and he doesn't remember the address (apparently there are dozens in our large city) but that was the one other thing he could think of.

He said he would take a polygraph. He was concerned about its reliability as am I and found the whole thing distasteful. But he said he was absolutely willing to take it.

Short of waterboarding him I don't know what else I can do. I am trying to decide whether we should separate. Although his pornography addiction is probably in the mild to moderate end from my internet reading (apparently some people spend a hundred hours of week viewing porn and bankrupt themselves), I am not sure I am ready to deal with someone with a pornography addiction. He said he told his psychiatrist he thought he might be a sex addict but his psychiatrist didn't agree given there was only the one sexual incident. However, the psychiatrist did not ask about porn addiction which I think is the issue. :(

[This message edited by cds22 at 9:14 PM, April 25th (Thursday)]


Posts: 236 | Registered: Apr 2013
Missymomma
Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 8:48 PM, April 25th (Thursday)

It sounds like, if he is telling the truth, he is in the beginning throes of sex addiction. It might be further advanced than he is telling you and it might not. He is using it to escape. His behavior is escalating. He is getting a high from it. FYI, pornography addiction is sex addiction. Check out www.sexhelp.com and see if it fits.


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
absolut
Member
Member # 37933
Default  Posted: 3:47 AM, April 26th (Friday)

I am very reluctant to post this because I feel like you are in pain and I'm not trying to pile on. Plus I'm about to make myself look not-so-great.

I started working as a stripper a few days after I turned eighteen and basically did it for about three years, which is a long time. I have worked at more clubs than I care to remember. If you can find out the name of the club, let me know, I'll find out how it's set up.

A few things. generally, any guy can get a dance out on the floor area. If he wants to go to a private room, he pays for an hour or some clubs will allow 30 minutes. Private areas are never totally private, they're like a little area with a couch and a beaded curtain or something, it's just a little more privacy and more comfortable seating. We always called it a VIP room or a champagne room but it's not an actual "room" per se. Personally I can't believe that a man would agree to spend any money for a dance or a VIP with a dancer who is unattractive to him. Or that a stripper would basically initiate so much sexual contact with a customer. We were always told to get our money for the private rooms up front so if the customer wanted something we didn't want to do we'd already have our money and it wouldn't be a problem. That was something I was taught on my first day. 90% of stripping is getting paid while dodging the customers' advances.
Also, if you could see his internet history I bet he looked for clubs in that area. I don't believe he randomly drove past that club. Men who were in from out of town would often tell me that they "researched" the best club in the area. There are review sites that are pure filth where men post ... I don't even want to go into it. But I wouldn't be surprised if he planned his trip in advance. It seems kind of fortuitous that he happened to drive past a strip club while he was out of town. And then an ugly stripper climbed up on him, shoved her crotch in his face, and asked to have sex with him while he declined.

You need to put a keylogger on that computer.

Best wishes.


Posts: 421 | Registered: Dec 2012
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 5:17 AM, April 26th (Friday)

I second the keylogger. And do NOT tell him it's there.

Im very concerned that you're taking all that he says as the truth. You told him to show you the porn sites he visited...chances are,he showed you the most "tame" one. Also,the deleting the history is a problem. If the sitters use his computer,then he needs to lock it up. Let the kids use a family computer. He deletes NOTHING.

There is always a grain of truth in the lies they tell. He googled massage parlors. Why? That shows intent,at the very least.

Polygraph. Yes,it's distasteful. But what he did was rather distasteful. As for their reliability....there is a member here who has worked with law enforcement,and has been a part of many poly's. They have said the reason poly's aren't admitted into court is because a sociopath CAN pass the test...that they can lie so well,they can fool it. But a common person? The test is accurate. It's nice that he said he would do it...but then...he doesn't believe you will go through with it. DO IT. Chances are,you'll get a parking lot confession before you go in...even if you do..go through with it...chances are he'll tell you a part of the truth thinking you won't go through with the test. DO IT.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7756 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
cds22
Member
Member # 39083
Default  Posted: 7:33 AM, April 26th (Friday)

He doesn't remember the name of the club but he says it was in Glendale CA and was different from other places, not standard, seemed very off. He has sworn up and down to me that she took off her underwear in the private room, that he had never seen that or even heard of that before (in our city, where he told me he has been to strip bars 3-4 times in the past 10 years he said it was very strict, no touching, tightly controlled).

I asked him this morning and he said he just drove by and then he came back into the kitchen five minutes later and said that wasn't true he had googled it after his business dinner. I am very upset he told me that lie to my face and more than anything that has made me doubt him.

I can try to verify but I won't live that way as a way of life. Your suggestions are wise and the result of hard experience but after I m done tracking someone on his computer, submitting us to polygraphs, etc, what kind of marriage do I really have? I am not sure I want to be in a relationship like that anymore where my part-time job (on top of my full-time job and my little kids) is constantly privately investigating my spouse.

I am going to call around today to see if I can meet with a certified sex addiction therapist as the spouse to get some information on cure rates, treatment strategies, and what steps I should take at home (keylogger, polygraph, etc). I need to figure out what the realistic odds are of fixing this.

[This message edited by cds22 at 7:34 AM, April 26th (Friday)]


Posts: 236 | Registered: Apr 2013
sparklingwater
Member
Member # 38792
Default  Posted: 7:38 AM, April 26th (Friday)

Not sure if you can be the one to fix this, despite your best intentions, he has got to want to do the hard work.

Wishing you all the best cds22.


Newly single and trying to find my feet.

There's always light at the end of the tunnel, just pray it's not a train.


Posts: 104 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Australia
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 7:45 AM, April 26th (Friday)

If he googled it,he knows the name of the club.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7756 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
cds22
Member
Member # 39083
Default  Posted: 7:53 AM, April 26th (Friday)

I didn't mean to say that I should do the work. But if these counselors tell me that even with the pornography addict doing sincere hard work the reoccurrence rate is 80 or 90% and the behavior continues to escalate in the vast majority of cases, then I am going to listen to that.

I really, really wanted to have a bigger family. Because of my age we are in the last few months/year where that was going to be possible and now that is gone too. We were looking for a new house to buy and I had such a clear vision of our happy family in that house. We were a happy family believe it or not . . .


Posts: 236 | Registered: Apr 2013
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 7:54 AM, April 26th (Friday)

The odds of *fixing* it are extremely WS-dependent. Completely depends on your WH's awareness of a problem and his desire to work on it himself. Some can do the work, some can't handle it.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8114 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 7:58 AM, April 26th (Friday)

CDS,
We are not sayint that you have to watch him every day all day for the rest of your life. However checking for a while will do 1 of 2 things. 1. You will consistently find nothing, and trust will build, and if he is doing the work of R. You will be successful.
2. You will find evidence that he is continuing to Lie to you. Not even misbehavior, but the continued lies can be problematic in healing, because a Wayward feels the need to hide things. No lying is allowed in R marriage. Then you can make a decsision about what you want to do.

But to blindly trust, and allow him to wallow in his own sorrow, does not fix what is broken in him, and he will be much more likely to repeat, or do something even worse in the future. That is certainly no way to live.

((((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8744 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 8:17 AM, April 26th (Friday)

This is something else to add to my list:
he had googled it after his business dinner.

He insists that it was a seedy, shady looking place, but he went in anyway.....yada, yada.

If he googled *that* club specifically, then odds are that they talked about the place at dinner and he *knew* what type of establishment it was.....and one or more of his colleagues may have been there also.

OR

He just searched for strip clubs in general. But the odds of some dumpy, seedy place being *high up* in the search results is slim. The bigger, mainstream clubs would most likely come up way before a place like he described.

Does he travel frequently for his job?


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8114 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
cds22
Member
Member # 39083
Default  Posted: 8:19 AM, April 26th (Friday)

He just phoned me on his way into work. He remembered another lie. He told me he paid $50 to go into the back room and he called me back to say that was not true and it was $100.

I finally googled it and I believe it is the only strip bar in the town/area he was having his dinner. He said it was the only one in the town and one strip bar came up in that town on my google search so I think I know. No, he doesn't travel for business alot.

It is an incredible amount of personal loss to process in a very short time . . .

[This message edited by cds22 at 8:20 AM, April 26th (Friday)]


Posts: 236 | Registered: Apr 2013
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 8:24 AM, April 26th (Friday)

Ok, you googled it and checked it out for yourself. Good....and it is helpful that what he told you matched what you found.

It is an incredible amount of personal loss to process in a very short time . . .

Yea, it is. It's a very uncomfortable feeling to get the rug pulled out from underneath your feet....but you'll survive and you'll be okay. {{{hugs}}}


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8114 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
cds22
Member
Member # 39083
Default  Posted: 8:28 AM, April 26th (Friday)

When all of you say the checking is for a time-limited amount of time, is that really true?

I mean, it seems that one would need to be wary of relapse. So, maybe you wouldn't check all the time but after the initial period of rebuilding/counseling etc wouldn't you be wise to check every six months or every year? Some kind of sick version of an anniversary?

I find it hard to believe the checking, verifying, internet snooping etc would or could ever 100% end.


Posts: 236 | Registered: Apr 2013
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 8:33 AM, April 26th (Friday)

He didn't pay $100 for a lap dance. Im sorry,but a lap dance at a strip club,unless it's high end,does NOT cost $100.

The stripper didn't just stick it in his face. He paid for it. He knew it was going to happen.

More and more lies are coming out. Please be prepared that this went way beyond oral.He is TT-ing you(trickle truth). It's slow torture. he has revealed a little,then come out with more and more,and oh,hey,this wasn't true,etc.

You monitor because you need to be able to verify what he is saying is the truth. It doesn't have to go on forever. A polygraph right away,and go from there. You don't have to poly him again. Once will be enough to know if he is still lying. You can not move forward until you know the full extent of what he has done.

(((cds22)))

[This message edited by confused615 at 8:34 AM, April 26th (Friday)]


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7756 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Missymomma
Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, April 26th (Friday)

cds - Many of your questions would be answered by a qualified CSAT. My rule is that I snoop if my instinct tells me to. If things aren't adding up. If I just get that twinge that something is off. I do not spend all day, every day snooping. That would lead into a very dark place.


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
JanaGreen
Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 8:50 AM, April 26th (Friday)

I asked him this morning and he said he just drove by and then he came back into the kitchen five minutes later and said that wasn't true he had googled it after his business dinner. I am very upset he told me that lie to my face and more than anything that has made me doubt him.

I figured he had. What I would want to know is WHAT he googled. Was he looking just for strip clubs? Or was he looking for strip clubs that go the extra mile, so to speak, into prostitution?

The fact that he googled massage parlors is hugely alarming to me.

And I agree that you don't have to check forever. But I think it's pretty obvious right now that he has a problem with lying. He's shown he cannot be trusted to tell the truth. I would check up on him until I was satisfied that his words and his actions are matching up. That's not forever.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6835 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
outtanowhere
Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 9:32 AM, April 26th (Friday)

CDS,

As all the others have said previously, I'm sorry that you have to be here but am thankful that you seem to be sincerely trying to figure your situation out.

I'm very new to this site & haven't posted in a while but I couldn't help reading all of your posts as well as the replies thinking this poor girl is still choosing to believe the best about her husband. (Denial) Honey, I have been married 37 years & only recently (2months ago) discovered my husband is a sex addict. I had never even heard that terminology before even tho, I too, am in healthcare. My husband accidentally left his email account open when he left the house one afternoon. When I got on the computer to google something that's when I found the emails to local prostitutes he found on Craigslist complete with meeting times & room numbers. This man had been paying for sex for the last ten years and I can tell you that I was completely blindsided by the information. If I had not seen it with my own eyes I would have denied the very hint of his misbehavior. We had four beautiful children whom he adored. We made it thru the darkest time of our lives when our oldest child died of a brain tumor at the ripe old age of six just after our 4th child was born during the 7th year of our marriage. This man has sat in church next to me every Sunday since we have been together holding my hand as we worshipped. He was the official "greeter" at church and has done many projects around the church grounds in an effort to be of help. When our grandchildren come to town he gets up early & takes them to the doughnut shop so their mommies can get an extra hour of sleep. He's an all around "good guy" who is a sex addict. I am still coping with the trauma of finding out about his secret life of porn & afternoon escapades which were all about what he says was "monkey sex". So you see, there are some very good guys that make some very bad choices. I don't know you but just reading your story on here let me tell you what is screaming at me.
1. I hear how you believe what he tells you because he is just not that kind of guy - I didn't think mine was either.
2. You are making excuses for him ie. "he works long hours", the dancer got too close to his face....He should not have been there
3. This is so out of character -SA transcends all barriers. It does not discriminate.
4. You feel guilty snooping around on his computer or cell phone. - I always did too but now I feel completely stupid for having been so trusting. It was all right there on an app that was accessible at the touch of his finger.

The facts about your husband as I see them are:
1. His porn use has escalated - this is typical. His brain became tolerant to the porn thus he had to start "acting out" to get the same high that he got when he started porn.
2. He obviously scouted out this particular strip club for whatever reason-he knew what he was doing was wrong but was able to reason that he "deserved" it.
3. He made a conscious decision to go inside
4. Once inside he made another conscious decision to go sit down even tho he saw what was going on ie crotch grabbing
5. He made a third conscious decision to purchase a lap dance.
6. The last decision, conscious or impulsive, was to put his mouth on this woman's genitals.

My suspicion echoes those of some of the other women on here in that he is now diverting your attention to the fact he physically incapacitated as a result of guilt so you wont go about any fact finding missions. I dont doubt for a minute he is torn up (maybe depression & guilt but I suspect he is scared to death you might find out more) but, honey don't let it distract you from seeing the train wreck that just happened.

When I found the email on my husband's computer there were several communications from several women. He tried to tell me at first that he merely attempted to meet up with them but nothing really came of it. By the end of the night he told me he had hooked up with one of them, twice. I love my husband & didn't see the need to throw away a 37 year marriage because of a serious lapse in judgment so we started MC. Since all of this started on 2/19/13 truth has trickled out that there have been at least 5 confirmed women over the last 10 years. I am still trying to get full disclosure & he told me last night that he would rather take a bullet to his head than to give me that information. So that's where we are today.

I'm sorry if this has been long & rambling. I'm just begging you to place your trust aside for a while & investigate this matter thoroughly. Don't put a band aid on it. This is not a flesh wound. From what I have learned over the last two months I truly suspect that this is a much larger problem than you want to give yourself permission to believe. Try not to let what he says deter you. You just need the facts. Addicts lie. All of them. Even the nice ones! :(

I hate you are having to go thru this but please, please listen to the advice of those who have already blazed this trail. I too am trying to stay close behind the one in front of me & am paying close attention on how to protect myself as I navigate my way thru this freaking mine field!

Hugs & blessings to you as you find your way too!


BS - 58
SAWH - 61 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 38 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
He promised me Heaven then put me thru hell

Posts: 762 | Registered: Apr 2013
cds22
Member
Member # 39083
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, April 26th (Friday)

I feel very small and stupid right now.

Outtanowhere, I am so very sorry for the loss of your child and also the most recent turn of events with your husband.

I appreciate everyone's help.


Posts: 236 | Registered: Apr 2013
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 10:49 AM, April 26th (Friday)

NO! Don't you dare feel stupid. This is not your fault!!! This is your HUSBAND. The man you have loved and trusted above anyone else. Of course you should have trusted him. Of course you thought the best of him. This is not wrong. You should be able to trust and believe your husband. And now that you know he has betrayed you,you are trying to rationalize it,you are trying to excuse it away. You want what he is telling you to be true because you are terrified that your life has been ripped away from you. ALL of these feelings are normal.

This is not your fault...any of it.

Sometimes a BS is in a fog. We can usually spot that right away..because many of us have been right where you are...and we are trying to help you by opening your eyes to things you hadn't thought about..because we want to prevent you from being further traumatized.

PLEASE don't feel small or stupid.

Big,huge hugs.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7756 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
cupcakegirl
Member
Member # 33594
Default  Posted: 11:04 AM, April 26th (Friday)

(((cds22)))

You are not stupid, nor are you small. You did what a healthy, well-balanced spouse would do- you trusted and you loved.

He is the broken one, not you. Please do not take his shame- you have done nothing wrong.

My WH is SA. He started with the porn and then went the stripper route also. Porn can escalate to real acting-out with real people-get tested because real people have real STDs-especially sex workers.

Please visit a CSAT. My SAH protected his addiction with every kind of lie. He too was Mr. Church-goer, Mr. Awesome nice guy, Mr. Super dad. But he also had a secret life.

BTW, he is now in recovery and doing very well. It has been a very long journey, though.

peace and hugs to you. -ccg


Me:BS, 43
Him: SAH, 48
Married 21 years
DDay 1: 2007
First day of transparency in M: 10/17/11
Polygraph 1/13/12 passed!
Polygraph 7/8/12 passed!
Polygraph 2/4/13 passed!
Next Poly is 2/14 passed!

Posts: 238 | Registered: Oct 2011
brokenblackbird
Member
Member # 29541
Default  Posted: 11:13 AM, April 26th (Friday)

You are not stupid in any way. You are a loving, trusting wife - those traits are to be admired!

None of what has happened has one thing to do with you.

I'm worried about the TT that is coming out. First it was all about him being honest with you - then you find he wasn't honest, he lied. This is where the verifying comes in. You want to know you can believe him when he says something.

You don't have to follow up forever. When I found my husband had been emailing Craigslist (completely by accident, mind you, a bounced email showed up in my email box and I read it. To me, it was fate.). It was Christmas day and I was completely devastated. He was being sent out of town for work and he'd been looking for women in his new rural work area. He said it was his work mate who emailed. Said they thought it was funny. (By the way, this is EXACTLY what many other posters here have said their husband's claimed when caught...eery)

I went into search mode. I searched every computer in the house. I searched cars (found strip club receipts that I matched up to dates/times he was "working late" or stayed overnight at work). I monitored what I could (work phone with no texting, but I would occasionally search the calls to/from if I could be alone with the phone).

I still check his email sometimes when I get that feeling that something isn't right. It isn't that all consuming feeling that it once was. My discovery of his infidelity shocked the shit out of him. I laid down the boundaries that I was willing to live with for the rest of my life - he knew I was ready to walk out the door.

It was reading SI that helped me the most. So keep reading. Keep asking questions. And only take what you can use for you then leave the rest.


Posts: 787 | Registered: Sep 2010
outtanowhere
Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 11:19 AM, April 26th (Friday)

cds ,

I pray it wasn't something I said that led to these feelings! As I said I just started this journey myself & only thru the help of IC & the awesome people on this site have I started to realize my new reality & it's every bit as awful and gut reaching as I always imagined it would be! Just go forward with your eyes wide open & listen to the gentle guidance from those who have been there. You are obviously a very intelligent girl & I am impressed at how far you have come in only a couple of day's time! You will figure it out but there's a reason that everyone agrees that it is a hard path! Tedious, grueling, draining but I hear that it brings us to a place of greater understanding & I pray peace. I hope they are right. I'm counting on it!


BS - 58
SAWH - 61 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 38 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
He promised me Heaven then put me thru hell

Posts: 762 | Registered: Apr 2013
30Rocked
New Member
Member # 38781
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, April 26th (Friday)

I think your main question was whether you get over the revulsion...seeing your H's mouth as dirty. I can only imagine that the fact he was with a stripper adds to that. For me, even though my WBF wasn't with a sex worker, I had the same feelings about his penis after the A. It was dirty, it was in someone else, I wouldn't be able to see it as anything else ever again. Even though my situation is still pretty new, I have since had sex with my WBF. As corny as it sounds, I felt like I kind of reclaimed his penis, saw it as part of him, the repentant man whom I still love. Maybe you can reclaim his lips and mouth snd those sweet kisses.

Posts: 36 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: 30Rocked
JanaGreen
Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, April 26th (Friday)

I feel very small and stupid right now.

(((((HUGS))))) you have done NOTHING wrong and you are NOT small and stupid. At all.

I think you should make it a top priority to do something nice for yourself this weekend. Get a pedicure, a massage, go to a movie you've been wanting to see. Something, anything to be kind to yourself and get your mind off this shit for a while.

((HUGS))


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6835 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
cds22
Member
Member # 39083
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, April 26th (Friday)

Oh no, no, no, it was nothing anyone said. It is the reality of the situation. And the fact that the people I would have turned to for support - - my mother and my sister - - died this year. And I am still bleeding from the d&c, that was so very recent -- just a week today.

I am nothing but appreciative. We consulted two individual therapists, one marital therapist, and the psychiatrist and they all kept on telling me/him/us this mantra of "one time mistake, must move on with the marriage." Well, all of you exposed it to be more than that very rapidly and while this is painful, I am grateful for that. It gives me information I will need to make some hard decisions, it lets me know what treatments we need if we decide to try that route. Thank you.


Posts: 236 | Registered: Apr 2013
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 11:33 AM, April 26th (Friday)

Any MC or IC that tells you it was a one time mistake and to move on from it..without examining it,feeling it,processing it,etc,is a waste of time. You need to find a MC who understands infidelity.

Move on?? It takes 3-5 years to heal from this..and thats with a remorseful WS who doesn't lie or TT,and is committed to repairing the damage.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7756 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
sadone29
Member
Member # 38597
Default  Posted: 11:44 AM, April 26th (Friday)

I felt stupid and like a fool too when I first found out. Please know it's not true! You've been duped by the one person you love and trust the most. Believe me, the anger will come.

I am so sorry for all of your losses.


DDay Feb. 28, 2013
"I am pretty sure enforcing the boundary is the most important part of the boundary"- Jerry Seinfeld
Can't wait to D, but stuck financially until I find a way out of this SAHM position I'm in.

Posts: 791 | Registered: Mar 2013
absolut
Member
Member # 37933
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, April 26th (Friday)

I'm sorry. Don't beat yourself up!!! Everyone does but it's NOT your fault!!!

How much does the truth matter to you? Because I don't believe he paid 50 or 100, fwiw. Also... this is gross but I don't think he's using google to scout out clubs and massage parlors, I'm pretty sure I know the name of the site and it's disgusting. And yes I think he knows the name of the club.
If he's a member of the site I think he is, that's why he's scrubbing his computer.

ETA:
Was he at the Gentleman's Club in Glendale CA? They do have a 10 minutes in VIP/$100 thing. So maybe that's it.

Maybe try bluffing. Tell him you're taking the computer to have the hardrive analyzed. Tell him you want to know the name of the site he uses to search for clubs.

[This message edited by absolut at 12:11 PM, April 26th (Friday)]


Posts: 421 | Registered: Dec 2012
mysticpenguin
Member
Member # 38839
Default  Posted: 12:02 PM, April 26th (Friday)

Oh no, no, no, it was nothing anyone said. It is the reality of the situation. And the fact that the people I would have turned to for support - - my mother and my sister - - died this year. And I am still bleeding from the d&c, that was so very recent -- just a week today.

I get this. As I said in my eighteen page post (I'm sorry. I am SO VERY WORDY!!), my cousin, who truly was like my brother, passed away ~2 weeks before my first D-Day. Every...single...day for at least a month, I wished I could know what he would say to me, what he would advise me to do. In the shock right after stumbling upon the evidence, I actually called his phone - I was in such a state of shock that I... forgot.

So I do understand this and know it makes things feel so much more insurmountable, I guess, or brutal.

I've also had a miscarriage, though not recently, but I do remember the horrible hormone/mood swings from ~2 to ~8 weeks after the loss -- hold on tight and really consider talking to a doc about anti-anxiety/depression meds, whatever they feel is best for your situation. You're looking at 2 major traumas within days of each other, and one of them is about to do a number on your hormones. ((HUGS)) I'm thinking of you -- and I really mean that, I'm not just typing it for the sake of saying it. My heart truly goes out to you.


Betrayed

Posts: 306 | Registered: Mar 2013
JanaGreen
Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, April 26th (Friday)

You're looking at 2 major traumas within days of each other, and one of them is about to do a number on your hormones. ((HUGS)) I'm thinking of you -- and I really mean that, I'm not just typing it for the sake of saying it. My heart truly goes out to you.

This - oh my God, this is so much to process. And you're being his rock while he's curled up in a ball. Take care of you, please.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6835 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
cds22
Member
Member # 39083
Default  Posted: 12:12 PM, April 26th (Friday)

Absolut, if there is a way for me to go to the site and figure out by entering his email if he is a member then I want to know. If there isn't a way to do that then I think the website would just torture me.

Thanks for the words of support everyone. And Absolut, with regard to your comment about your post not casting you in a good light, it seems to me a matter of considerable grace if the bumps in our lives and some of our harder experiences are something we volunteer to use to help others. By that I don't mean you have to pass on the website if you are uncomfortable . . . just a general thanks for sharing your knowledge in this area.

ETA: I think it was the gentleman's club. He told me though it was 10 to enter and then 40 or 50 for the lapdance and then what turns out to be an additional 100 for the private booth business.

[This message edited by cds22 at 12:20 PM, April 26th (Friday)]


Posts: 236 | Registered: Apr 2013
outtanowhere
Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, April 26th (Friday)

I totally agree with confused! We were able to start from the beginning with a therapist certified in sexual addiction. She was the one who diagnosed my WH SA in just two visits! By the second week he had gone to his first SA meeting & has gone to one Step Weekend. Sadly as I suspected would happen, he has told me he doesn't feel "comfortable" with her & wants to find another one. I know she makes him uncomfortable & I know it's because she's on to the games he plays. That's ok with me! I'm not going anywhere! If he doesn't keep it up that will tell me all I need to know!


BS - 58
SAWH - 61 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 38 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
He promised me Heaven then put me thru hell

Posts: 762 | Registered: Apr 2013
Althea
Member
Member # 37765
Default  Posted: 1:02 PM, April 26th (Friday)

cds22, I'm so sorry you are going through all of this. It seems like so many of our WS's choose to act out at times in our lives when we are already dealing with so much else - it is the definition of selfishness.

At times, it is so overwhelming to hear the advice here. When I first started posting here I received a fair number of 2x4's letting me know that I was not getting the whole truth from my WH. He told me he kissed an old classmate at a high school reunion. I honestly believed this was the extent of A for months. I think I finally started posting here because something in my gut said this just isn't right. Every time I went back to my WH, he came up with some other bit of truth to satisfy my questions, whatever it took to avoid conflict and to end the questions (although he never acted defensive, I only learned later that his extreme shame act was a conscious or unconscious technique to stop the questions dead in their tracks).

Your WH has admitted to a huge number of lies already, and there are more to come. I eventually found out that mine had oral sex, and had previously kissed two other women dating back 5 years.

I hear what you are saying regarding the spying, and like you, I knew I could not be in a marriage like that; but in the beginning, it is necessary to protect yourself. A keylogger is a very good idea. After a few months, if he is doing everything he says he is (i.e. no porn, no looking up massage parlors, etc.) then you can reevaluate how you feel about stopping the surveillance. I don't actively monitor my WH, but I know very well that by doing so I am taking a risk.

Finally, we explored the sex addict angle as well. First and foremost, I agree with the others that you do need to see a CSA or a therapist recommended by a CSA to get an accurate diagnosis. My WH was told by a few therapists that there was no problem with his behavior. In our case, my husband was abusing porn, overworking, and drinking too much. He was using all three as an escape, but he had not yet escalated to the point of addiction. He wasn't using out of compulsion, it was because he had limited forms of coping with stress. Getting the SA evaluation was pivotal in getting my WH to face the facts in terms of where he was headed if he didn't learn to cope with the stresses in his life in different ways.


Taking it one day at a time.

Posts: 458 | Registered: Dec 2012
hathnofury
Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, April 26th (Friday)

(((CDS))) I am so sorry.

Don't for a minute feel stupid and small. It is your WH that is stupid and small. You are honest, loving, and loyal and believe the best in people. Like a spouse is supposed to me.

I won't traumatize you further with details of my story, but I can say that we have many parallels thus far and it is only the tip of the iceberg for mine. But there are a few things you asked, and you said, that I feel need addressing so please know I have been in your shoes and I know what I am talking about.

When does he stop seeming filthy and tainted to you? That is hard to answer. It takes a lot of time. I think you need to reflect and think about what is your dealbreaker, what will make you decide to leave first. If you think sex with another person is your dealbreaker (and that is ok if it is)...then I think you need to prepare for D. There is no point pondering when you can kiss him again if there is no chance for the relationship to begin with.

I am worried for YOU. You have mentioned IC for him, MC etc but I don't see much in the way of therapy for YOU. IMHO, you need a therapist that specializes in trauma and if at all possible a CSAT. If you think what is happening to him is extreme, it compares nothing to what is happening to you, what has happened to you, and what will happen to you. You have basically had all the worst traumas that can happen to a person all at once. Regardless of whatever you decide about anything else , you need to make yourself and your healing the priority now. You will not be able to make the best decisions for you and your kids unless you do.

I am also concerned with your need to know the "cure" rate or relapses to decide your future. You can't cure an addiction of any kind, you can only treat it and manage it. It is a lifelong commitment, and there will always be the risk of relapse. So if that is a dealbreaker for you, that is ok too.

We could tell you all the ways that you can find his internet history on his phone and computer. You could get to 50 posts and find it out for yourself. And you are absolutely right, having to check that regularly is no way to live. But if what is a dealbreaker for you is lying, that he is continuing to lie...well, I think that ship has sailed.

I would stop all efforts on him at this point and only focus on you. What do you need to feel safe, to be able to heal, and move forward with your life? What therapy do you need, what support do you need from others? What does CDS want and need out of life?

You can always take him back later if things are not as they seem (unlikely). You can always support his recovery and healing later when you are strong enough and healed enough on your own, if you even want to. But I am telling you someone who is lying to you even now after all that has happened, is not ready to address what is broken in them, not ready to fix it. So any effort on your part for him will be wasted. He has to decide he needs to do it on his own. Now is the time to focus on you.

Keep posting. You can do this.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1486 | Registered: Jun 2011
absolut
Member
Member # 37933
Default  Posted: 2:41 PM, April 26th (Friday)

Thank you for your kind words CDS. I appreciate it very much, especially at this dark time for you.

Dances at GC are 20 a pop, so maybe he got 2. Really I think he's trying to line up his spending with an ATM withdrawal rather than tell you exactly what he did and spent. Guys were always worried how the ATM at the club would show up on their checking account.


My experience, an enormous percentage of men who go to strip clubs are sex addicts of some stripe. Most strippers know this on some level, we had ways of referring to them, but after a while I started to realize how much behavior lined up with actual clinical sexual addiction. I'm not going to t/j with all that. But no I don't think there's a cure.

I'm going to try to articulate this... take something like heroin addiction. I think an addict would likely be very motivated to recover and quit because everybody on the planet thinks it's disgusting and almost nobody uses it to any extent whatsoever.
Porn? Strip clubs? look at our whole culture. men tend to cheer each other on in regards to these things. If you don't participate, it's viewed as, your wife has you "whipped." The whole culture supports pornography. It's very easy for a man who is a full blown SA to look around him and decide, no, I don't have a problem. I mean, even the covers of mainstream magazines like Cosmo and Maxim are pornographic imo. In regards to the photos and the little blurbs.

So that's just my two pennies on that.

in regard to the website I'm referring to, it has a similar setup to many, you choose a username and password.

Do you know how to lock your computer? How to put a password on it? You can lock it and tell him he can't get back on it until he tells you the whole truth. Sex addicts are also internet addicts. They freak out without internet access for 5 minutes.
(being sarcastic there...but it's true...)


Posts: 421 | Registered: Dec 2012
cds22
Member
Member # 39083
Default  Posted: 6:44 PM, April 27th (Saturday)

I wanted to update everyone-- there is good and bad.

On the positive side, my HIV test is negative! I cannot get tested for anything else for at least a week due to healing from the d&c. I went out to lunch with a friend and ordered some SAM-E online.

Also positive my husband on his own called a CSAT therapist and made an appointment for the diagnostics and evaluation to determine whether he is a sex/pornography addict or transitioning to one.

On the negative side, on Friday there was another disclosure from my husband. He phoned me to say that he has been combing his memory and twelve years ago when we were first married, he went to a massage place he walked by. He was not sure what kind it was but it sounds like he was hoping it would be an erotic massage. It turned out to be an above-board massage but he said he left feeling pretty bad about it because he didn't think his intentions were good. He said he has not attempted anything like that since.

I told him I was going to have his hard drive analyzed if he didn't take me to all the sites he was a member of. He told me he was not a member of anything and I could take it to be analyzed, he just did the free porn download sites. I told him I needed to know if there was anything more awful than what I saw on the sites he took me to. He told me the most sordid thing he views is something called face-sitting (?!?). He now says he wants the polygraph as he has told me everything. I am meeting with a CSAT soon to get info on the polygraph pros and cons and good people in my area.

Thanks again for all of the help and advice.


Posts: 236 | Registered: Apr 2013
outtanowhere
Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 8:02 AM, April 28th (Sunday)

Kudos to you cds!
I continue to be amazed at the number of people signing up daily on this site! To me it is very telling of the fact we as a society have lost our morals. Your strength & courage has been a true inspiration to me! You listened to what these good people were telling you then took the bull by the horns! You have made so much progress in such a short time that I'm am truly amazed! You are a good bit younger than me but you have inspired me to keep putting one foot in front of the other or, as my friend told me recently, right, left....breathe!!!! You are a strong young lady!


BS - 58
SAWH - 61 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 38 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
He promised me Heaven then put me thru hell

Posts: 762 | Registered: Apr 2013
Hurt2Deeply
Member
Member # 38317
Default  Posted: 1:11 AM, April 29th (Monday)

Yes, you are a very strong lady. I admire you for being so kind and forgiving and then listening so well to others about what may have happened and how to handle it. You have been open and honest yourself and willing to learn. Much can be learned from those who have gone through this before us.

I do not believe he only looked at porn 15" at a time. No. It is very addicting and if he uses it like that why would he ever quit after only 15"?

I am seriously against porn. It is degrading to women and so addictive. It changes a person. It hardens people. They go to the next level and get further into the behavior. It escalates. It does not get old and they quit. It gets less exciting so they look for other activities to give them a greater buzz.

My husband's betrayal has hurt me to the very core of my soul. It has been devastating to me. We are in R and after a long time I feel much better. It still bothers me so I have found SI as an outlet for my sorrow and pain and to learn from others.

I believe it is possible to R. But it takes a very willing WS who works extremely hard on their own recovery and behavior.

Checking up on the WS is stressful and takes a great deal of energy. It is worth it if you are to hope to stay together and make it work. If he is faithful there will come a time when it will not be as necessary. I still believe in "check ups" now and then even when things seem to be going well. They were already apparently going well when all this as happening.

I firmly believe in polygraph testing if there is any doubt. Also follow up testing in 6 months or a year and then yearly for a while can reveal dishonesty as well as prevent this behavior in some WH who know they will be checked up on later.

It also troubles me that your husband has progressed to enjoying lesbian sex and and more than one person. That just doesn't seem like the normal early discovery and interest of someone new to this.

It is time to take care of you. Any anxiety and depression he is having is a direct consequences of his behavior. He needs to feel that and experience it fully. It is not yours. You have been subjected to a great trauma.

There is a book called "Your Sexually Addicted Spouse". It explains the trauma and the importance of finding a counsellor who will treat you for trauma.

Hang in there. I have great compassion for the loss of your baby and your plans for another child.


Me BS 57
Him FWH 60
M 35 years
3 Adult kids
R

Posts: 105 | Registered: Jan 2013
Hurt2Deeply
Member
Member # 38317
Default  Posted: 12:53 AM, April 30th (Tuesday)

I sent you a private message. Look on your profile for it


Me BS 57
Him FWH 60
M 35 years
3 Adult kids
R

Posts: 105 | Registered: Jan 2013
Topic Posts: 74