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User Topic: Confronting Tomorrow. Could use advice
careerlady
Member
Member # 16958
Default  Posted: 10:41 AM, April 25th (Thursday)

This is the second time around the block, had false R since the end of 2008 when he cheated with an OW that didn't know he was married. Found out last week he made a child in 2008 I was never told about with a different OW who I knew. He's been out of town and I've been snooping cause he came home late a couple of times in the last few months. Have now found evidence of a new affair with phone calls/texts late at night, high restaurant charges, and 2 hotels when he stayed out late. Didn't need more and met with a lawyer to work on divorce because we discussed that's what would happen the next time.

The problem is I make more than him and we have a precious 9 month old . He can make my lifesaver able through joint custody, alimony, and not letting me go back to SoCal where my family is. So I need to tread gently. I am dreading contacting OW (who i know by phone # and voicemail only) but it would squash his denials dead if she didn't know like the last OW who told me everything. Now since they were doing hotels and stuff she may know, so I don't want to contact her too early and have her deny and warn him. Is the best plan to try and call her while he's in his post airplane shower (preferably with his phone if I can swipe it) or should I only suggest it during the conversation if he denies? I would want her to know if she doesn't know but maybe more importantly I don't want him to get angry and make my life harder than it already is. I want him to feel guilty enough to let me move away with the baby to my family (he works from home and we've talked about going to socal where family is but originally came up here for his previous job) and not pay alimony.

The conversation with OW last time tore me up and when I confronted him he shut down and denied. He won't be able to deny the OC (have court papers!) or the unexplainable hotel charges so I have enough without her. My stomach is in knots trying to figure out how to play this. What do you all think?


Me (BS, 35); The Snake (WS, 36) 13yrs together; 1 baby boy (DOB 7/12)
Serial cheater-Multiple OWs, Multiple D-Days
D by default 5/3/14!
In house 8 mos, moved out 7/1!!!
Summary: http://youtu.be/iaysTVcounI

Posts: 937 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Northern California
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, April 25th (Thursday)

Do you need to confront? Couldn't you simply have the divorce papers prepared & have him served?


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9665 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
brokensmile322
Member
Member # 35758
Default  Posted: 10:49 AM, April 25th (Thursday)

Does the OW's account really matter? I wouldn't bother contacting her.

I would let him know a small part of what you know, not all, and not how. I would just keep repeating that "you know".

You do, by the way. I would move forward with the D and 180 if he tries to deny or blame shift or gaslight.

I am not sure about alimony. You may still have to pay unless it is a fault state. Have you discussed with a lawyer? Can he stop you from going back to So Cal? and what did he say about alimony?

If it is a fault state, you may want to get proof from a PI that would be irrefutable.

Hugs, careerlady. FTG!!


Me BS 42 Him WS 44
OW Coworker DDay April 7, 2012
EA on a slippery slope...

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl

"When you are happy, you can forgive a great deal."


Posts: 1476 | Registered: Jun 2012
careerlady
Member
Member # 16958
Default  Posted: 10:55 AM, April 25th (Thursday)

No fault state. He has to request alimony, it can be waived. Because we have a child and he doesn't beat us it's automatically joint custody which means I have to share the baby and can't leave town with the baby without his permission.

If I just slap him with papers he could get angry and make things hard, if I wait we can do mediation and I might get some or all of what I want. But if he denies and avoids I will just file and if he doesn't respond in 30 days I get what I want by default.

The lawyer says if I take him to court to move the fight will cost at least $50,000!!!!


Me (BS, 35); The Snake (WS, 36) 13yrs together; 1 baby boy (DOB 7/12)
Serial cheater-Multiple OWs, Multiple D-Days
D by default 5/3/14!
In house 8 mos, moved out 7/1!!!
Summary: http://youtu.be/iaysTVcounI

Posts: 937 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Northern California
stretch13
Member
Member # 26894
Default  Posted: 11:14 AM, April 25th (Thursday)

I have enough without her.

let it go. it's a potential bees nest of drama. you have what you need. buckle down and proceed.


http://www.facebook.com/hardheadpress
http://www.amazon.com/Eli-Ely-Ezekiel-Tyrus/dp/0986042900/

http://hardheadpress.com/

life must be rich and full of loving--it's no good otherwise, no good at all, for anyone - j. kerouac


Posts: 3929 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: east coast
1Faith
Member
Member # 38975
Angry  Posted: 11:54 AM, April 25th (Thursday)

I am so sorry for you. But I agree with the others. Why contact her? What good will that do you? So you might discover more gory details/lies? You know enough. You have been here before (((heavy sigh and sending hugs))) so you know that he isn't going to change.

If possible, I say possible, because it would be extemely hard...but walking away without a word would completely dumbfound him. By NOT getting upset and creating the drama he obviously craves you are sending such a greater message.

I do understand, however, if you need to/want to rip him a new one. TOTALLY understandable.

Silence is golden.

Good luck and stay strong. You and your son deserve better than this toxic, selfish human being. Sorry but you do.


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1143 | Registered: Apr 2013
HURTAGAIN1981
Member
Member # 35178
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, April 25th (Thursday)

Do you need to confront? Couldn't you simply have the divorce papers prepared & have him served?

I agree with this. He's done it before twice and now he's doing it again. I don't think he's capable of not.

I wouldn't even bother with the OW. It will just cause unnecessary drama. You have the proof and evidence you need to file for divorce. If you cannot put up with his cheating, which I think he will continue, then this is what you need to do.

x


Posts: 296 | Registered: Mar 2012
stretch13
Member
Member # 26894
Default  Posted: 12:01 PM, April 25th (Thursday)

but walking away without a word would completely dumbfound him. By NOT getting upset and creating the drama he obviously craves you are sending such a greater message.

if i could wish anything for you and on your STBX, it's that you could pull this off.

it would absolutely madden him. it's brilliant.


http://www.facebook.com/hardheadpress
http://www.amazon.com/Eli-Ely-Ezekiel-Tyrus/dp/0986042900/

http://hardheadpress.com/

life must be rich and full of loving--it's no good otherwise, no good at all, for anyone - j. kerouac


Posts: 3929 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: east coast
careerlady
Member
Member # 16958
Default  Posted: 12:27 PM, April 25th (Thursday)

Thanks so much ladies. Contacting OW was the part I didn't want to do. I guess I felt guilty in case she was innocent.

Now I can just calmly sit down and ask for divorce instead of doing more things to hurt myself and potentially anger him.
I wish I could just move out but then I'm liable for rent and his revenge. My priority right now is starting a new life with my baby.


Me (BS, 35); The Snake (WS, 36) 13yrs together; 1 baby boy (DOB 7/12)
Serial cheater-Multiple OWs, Multiple D-Days
D by default 5/3/14!
In house 8 mos, moved out 7/1!!!
Summary: http://youtu.be/iaysTVcounI

Posts: 937 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Northern California
HURTAGAIN1981
Member
Member # 35178
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, April 25th (Thursday)

I agree with Stretch.

Pull the rug right out from under him.

Who cares about the OW? She probably isn't innocent, but what if she is? Are you going to try to warn every woman he comes into contact with?

Think of you. I think you know what you need to do. Make that process as painless as you possibly can for yourself.


Posts: 296 | Registered: Mar 2012
stretch13
Member
Member # 26894
Default  Posted: 12:48 PM, April 25th (Thursday)

((((careerlady & little bitty mr. careerlady))))


http://www.facebook.com/hardheadpress
http://www.amazon.com/Eli-Ely-Ezekiel-Tyrus/dp/0986042900/

http://hardheadpress.com/

life must be rich and full of loving--it's no good otherwise, no good at all, for anyone - j. kerouac


Posts: 3929 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: east coast
circlingthedrain
Member
Member # 25733
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, April 25th (Thursday)

just a thought....Can you go to SoCal before you file ?

Can you tell him you're moving there and he can join you in 6 months. He'll jump at the chance to be left alone with his AP. Go to Calif. and file there.


BH (me), 53
FWW (Her) 55
DD18, DS15
D-Day 12/23/2007
R going well

Wish I didn't know now what I didn't know then --- Bob Seger


Posts: 326 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: East Coast
careerlady
Member
Member # 16958
Default  Posted: 1:24 PM, April 25th (Thursday)

He us a casual serial cheater. He wouldn't let us just go like that especially when we are in contract to get a house together up here (which we need to cancel). Can't legally run with baby. Besides need to find a job in SoCal first. There are revenge dreams and then there's reslity


Me (BS, 35); The Snake (WS, 36) 13yrs together; 1 baby boy (DOB 7/12)
Serial cheater-Multiple OWs, Multiple D-Days
D by default 5/3/14!
In house 8 mos, moved out 7/1!!!
Summary: http://youtu.be/iaysTVcounI

Posts: 937 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Northern California
careerlady
Member
Member # 16958
Default  Posted: 1:24 PM, April 25th (Thursday)

He us a casual serial cheater. He wouldn't let us just go like that especially when we are in contract to get a house together up here (which we need to cancel). Can't legally run with baby. Besides need to find a job in SoCal first. There are revenge dreams and then there's reslity


Me (BS, 35); The Snake (WS, 36) 13yrs together; 1 baby boy (DOB 7/12)
Serial cheater-Multiple OWs, Multiple D-Days
D by default 5/3/14!
In house 8 mos, moved out 7/1!!!
Summary: http://youtu.be/iaysTVcounI

Posts: 937 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Northern California
mysticpenguin
Member
Member # 38839
Default  Posted: 4:15 PM, April 25th (Thursday)

He us a casual serial cheater. He wouldn't let us just go like that especially when we are in contract to get a house together up here (which we need to cancel). Can't legally run with baby. Besides need to find a job in SoCal first. There are revenge dreams and then there's reslity

What about moving in with family while you look for a job & get rent/a place to live straightened out? I'm sure they'll take you in even if you have to camp out in the living room for a while. You could plead family emergency (which it is... YOUR family emergency), wait 30-60 days (for CA residency) with his expectation that he'll be moving to join you, then file? Just kinda brainstorming here. What a turd he is for having a child with another woman, hiding it from you, and having another affair -- basically a multi-year false R! Grrrrr.


Betrayed

Posts: 306 | Registered: Mar 2013
I think I can
Member
Member # 17756
Default  Posted: 4:35 PM, April 25th (Thursday)

Maybe ask your lawyer about it, careerlady. You "need some time" you "need to think about it"--and stay with your parents and file there. It's worth asking about.


I'm not the winner, I'm the prize.

Posts: 8815 | Registered: Jan 2008
redrock
Member
Member # 21538
Default  Posted: 5:58 PM, April 25th (Thursday)

when I confronted him he shut down and denied

I would assume that he will deny and lie just as he has always done in the past. He tipped you off about OC and then let you dig the truth out yourself rather than man up and tell you himself.

I would expect the same brand of stonewalling, lying and avoiding whatever he can. Do not expect the relief of closure or understanding or even admission. I don't think this coward has it in him.

You don't need him to confirm what you know. He is cheating. Be calm. Do not start questioning yourself when he puts on the innocent act. Or his victim hat. Or his mainipulation sweatpants. They are all coming. Do not doubt it. Perhaps even a suicide threat. If he does that- call the cops and report it. Do not waste time comforting and helping him.

I would be tempted to look at his phone if it is available. Just to see if there is anything on there that he is too dumb to delete. Not sure if it is at all helpful to look.

However, I think he knows he tipped you off about the OC and may be expecting a confrontation.

He may have everything scrubbed. Or he may have created a whole story while away to explain away OC and even his new OW(maybe he met with lawyers late at night in hotel rooms in a desparate attempt to protect and keep from hurting you)... Be prepared for anything at this point.

If it is not a question of salvaging the relationship, then at this point it is all about negotiating for your priorities like going home to SoCal.

Being able to be 'nice' until you get your take aways is worth all of the self control that it will take to maintain them. Think about it as faking it till you make it. You do not need to show your authentic self to this idiot.

I tend to think that if you know he is cheating that you use the OC as your final dealbreaker rather than starting and getting wrapped up in the final cheating debate.

But that is up to you and whatever your lawyer advised. Hang in there. Use every ounce of strength you have with him and then come here and dump your heartbreak and pain out on the board. I have a feeling you find more empathy and understanding with us than with Mr. head in the sand.

We are all pullling for you.

[This message edited by redrock at 6:02 PM, April 25th (Thursday)]


I don't respect anyone that can't spell a word more than one way:)

Posts: 3156 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Michigan
careerlady
Member
Member # 16958
Default  Posted: 2:13 PM, April 26th (Friday)

Thanks all,

I need to make sure I maintain a job so moving to southern cali without a clear and permanent plan is out of the question. my job up here in N cali is very stable and lucrative so it would be foolish of me.

Just got around to looking back in the phone records and the old credit card statements. Looks like he first texted her on the day he found out he lost his court case and had dinner with her 2 days later. The hotel was 4 days later so she's a total slut.
That is when he first has suspicious behaviour as well
Not that it changes my decision but it's almost comforting to know he probably wasn't doing anything until he lost the court case. Probably gave up on us and figured I wouldn't forgive. Sad thing is if he'd come to me openly and continued to treat me right I probably would have. Oh well.

He was talking to me on the phone last night as if everything was fine. If he makes his flight tonight I will tell him it's over and come back on to report how it went. I can't wait!


Me (BS, 35); The Snake (WS, 36) 13yrs together; 1 baby boy (DOB 7/12)
Serial cheater-Multiple OWs, Multiple D-Days
D by default 5/3/14!
In house 8 mos, moved out 7/1!!!
Summary: http://youtu.be/iaysTVcounI

Posts: 937 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Northern California
ineedtoleave
Member
Member # 29332
Default  Posted: 2:23 PM, April 26th (Friday)

Sending you some MOJO (((careerlady))) !!!


BS(me)-52
WH-59
OW-43(married ex-Co-worker)
Married 6 yrs
DD#1: 3/19/10
DD#2: 5/11/10
Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive.

Posts: 958 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Arizona
tabitha95
Member
Member # 22033
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, April 26th (Friday)

OW lied and lied and lied to me.

Just because the first OW talked to you (probably because she was angry to find out he was married) doesn't mean that this OW will talk or if she does, be honest. It sounds like she may know he's M if they only get together in hotels.


BW (me) - 45
DS 14, DS 11
D-Day#1: Oct 30, 2008
D-Day#2: June 3, 2011 (same MOW) Separation: June 3, 2011
Divorce finalized: Feb 2012 (due to 6 month waiting period).

Posts: 3250 | Registered: Dec 2008
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, April 26th (Friday)

Sending all kinds of positive thoughts your way.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4804 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
mysticpenguin
Member
Member # 38839
Default  Posted: 7:52 PM, April 26th (Friday)

((careerlady)) hoping everything is going well!

For what it's worth you sound like a catch. Focus on that and hold tight to it when the going gets tough.


Betrayed

Posts: 306 | Registered: Mar 2013
careerlady
Member
Member # 16958
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, April 27th (Saturday)

Well I did it. It's so sad. He was so defeated. He said he accepted full responsibility and basically that he knew his family was going to end any day so he got involved with this new OW to cope (the affair did start a few days after the court case by my sleuthing). He also said the 4 year old was not proven by paternity but would have been conceived when he got really drunk for his birthday because I had sent him separation papers which was the worst day of his life. He agreed to whatever terms I want and that I can have all the money and furniture, etc. he also said he'd help me be in the new house without him.
It made me sad. Almost wanted to offer R but can't go through the whole NC and checking up again plus the friends and family I told we were going to D. I just don't know at this point if I should meet with my boss and tell him I want to run to SoCal or if I should get the house we have being built. There is already 100k of equity in it. There are also 4br I could even put Stbx is one so he'd have somewhere to live. At the end of the year we could sell for a big profit to split. Or should I just try to run and lose the 11k we have in it. We should tell them to stop building the house soon to avoid liquidated damages. What do you ladies think?


Me (BS, 35); The Snake (WS, 36) 13yrs together; 1 baby boy (DOB 7/12)
Serial cheater-Multiple OWs, Multiple D-Days
D by default 5/3/14!
In house 8 mos, moved out 7/1!!!
Summary: http://youtu.be/iaysTVcounI

Posts: 937 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Northern California
Haphazard
New Member
Member # 32204
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, April 27th (Saturday)

just don't know at this point if I should meet with my boss and tell him I want to run to SoCal or if I should get the house we have being built. There is already 100k of equity in it. There are also 4br I could even put Stbx is one so he'd have somewhere to live. At the end of the year we could sell for a big profit to split. Or should I just try to run and lose the 11k we have in it. We should tell them to stop building the house soon to avoid liquidated damages. What do you ladies think?

hugs to you for being so brave. You have to think of yourself and your baby... If it were me I'd keep the building going rather than lose money especially if you can make a profit at the end of the year. I wouldnt be even worrying where STBX is going to live ...thats his problem and I certainly wouldnt invite him to live in a spare room..that will be hell on earth for you.


Posts: 18 | Registered: May 2011
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 2:43 PM, April 27th (Saturday)

(((hugs))) I''d second finishing the house and then selling for a profit. There''s no reason for you to loose more money when you''re looking at paying for a divorce.

I''d suggest filing ASAP and getting what he''s agreed to on signed paper as quickly as possible. When they are feeling guilty, they tend to want to agree to anything to assunge their shame, but the longer they have to start justifying to them selves, the less they are willing to honor their words.

I''m so sorry. Please take this weekend to try to take care of yourself.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4804 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
918Mama
Member
Member # 37756
Default  Posted: 11:07 PM, April 27th (Saturday)

^^^totally agree with Skan. Keep the house, make the profit. Hell, rent him a room if you want. But file, get it all in writing and legal in the meantime. That way, if you have a moment of weakness, you're legally protected.


Surrender to what is. Let go of what was. Have faith in what will be. -- Sonia Ricotti

Posts: 562 | Registered: Dec 2012
Safeguard
Member
Member # 38899
Default  Posted: 1:25 AM, April 28th (Sunday)

I also think you should keep the house. Your wh using ow to sooth his distress is disconcerting. Sounds like an excuse to me, but if not, how long has he been doing that?!

If you rent him the room, will you fall for his pity plea? You seem undecided about R.


"since your actions don't match your words, excuse me while I stop believing you."

Posts: 143 | Registered: Apr 2013
careerlady
Member
Member # 16958
Default  Posted: 2:02 AM, April 28th (Sunday)

Thanks ladies. Keeping the house would be a financial stretch and I realized I do want to go to SoCal so I decided to give it up. Another casualty. STBXH was not happy, made it real for him when I emailed the house people and cced him. Now working on divorce papers on ourdivorceagreement.com, hoping to get him to sign before he changes his mind about my terms.

I actually do wish we could R because we've been together so long and our precious son is involved. But he needs IC yet doesn't see the point of it and so many flaws have crept into our marriage (we argue about stupid stuff, he isn't helpful around the house, etc).

My mom says I should offer him a deal that if he goes to IC and follows me to SoCal we'll do MC and see if we can make it work. In the meantime I'd still file for divorce to get all those terms he agreed to and to force the issue. I will offer it but would be shocked if he put in that much effort, he's more the giving up and wallowing in misery type. Sure would be great to have a 2 parent loving household for my son rather than bickering and cheating or being a single mom, but we'll see. Might have to recruit a new father figure if he's not up to the task.


Me (BS, 35); The Snake (WS, 36) 13yrs together; 1 baby boy (DOB 7/12)
Serial cheater-Multiple OWs, Multiple D-Days
D by default 5/3/14!
In house 8 mos, moved out 7/1!!!
Summary: http://youtu.be/iaysTVcounI

Posts: 937 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Northern California
careerlady
Member
Member # 16958
Default  Posted: 2:03 AM, April 28th (Sunday)

Oh by the way glad I didn't confront OW. He is of course saying she's just a friend he confided in because he was worried about me divorcing him when I found out about OC. Part of his friend argument is that she's got a hotshot boyfriend. So she would have lied through her teeth...


Me (BS, 35); The Snake (WS, 36) 13yrs together; 1 baby boy (DOB 7/12)
Serial cheater-Multiple OWs, Multiple D-Days
D by default 5/3/14!
In house 8 mos, moved out 7/1!!!
Summary: http://youtu.be/iaysTVcounI

Posts: 937 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Northern California
Safeguard
Member
Member # 38899
Default  Posted: 3:35 AM, April 28th (Sunday)

Well color me impressed! My hat is off to you!

Such clarity of though is hard to come by, in times when pain can often cloud one's vision.


"since your actions don't match your words, excuse me while I stop believing you."

Posts: 143 | Registered: Apr 2013
I think I can
Member
Member # 17756
Default  Posted: 7:18 AM, April 28th (Sunday)

This is so incredibly hard, and you are doing what you need to to take care of you and your son. Yet I know you are hurting badly. ((careerlady))


I'm not the winner, I'm the prize.

Posts: 8815 | Registered: Jan 2008
homewrecked2011
Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 7:39 AM, April 28th (Sunday)

Might have to recruit a new father figure if he's not up to the task.

And this is why I say to move to SCal.

I have stayed in this town bc I wanted my children to keep their friends and routines.But, here I am w/o my family and awesome relatives who would take my children under their wing and teach them respectfulness, etc. Instead they get a weekly dose of hate regarding me from their father and his slut.

Get all in writing asap!
Maybe he will follow you to SoCal and even if you don't get back together maybe he will become a whole person thru therapy.

Also, I have a friend here whose husband is really being a strong support for my sons, taking them fishing, etc. So they are learning, but I hate to take time from his children for mine. I SHOULD HAVE MOVED BACK TO FAMILY>


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 2118 | Registered: Jan 2012
918Mama
Member
Member # 37756
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, April 28th (Sunday)

I am super impressed!!

You go with your bad self career lady!!

Look at all your mojo! :-)


Surrender to what is. Let go of what was. Have faith in what will be. -- Sonia Ricotti

Posts: 562 | Registered: Dec 2012
stretch13
Member
Member # 26894
Default  Posted: 6:27 PM, April 28th (Sunday)

she's just a friend he confided in because he was worried about me divorcing him when I found out about OC.

after dday, i discovered a recent fishing attempt from my XH to his first EA partner. at the time he said, "i was so upset about OW/OC that i tried to contact her for a sympathetic ear...i figured she was the only person who wouldn't judge me. i didn't have anyone to talk to."

based on the relatively subtle email he sent, i called bullshit and his email a booty call. he admitted later he was hoping she'd respond and screw him...cuz, you see, he never screwed her the first time around but felt like he "got punished for it anyway." might as well make it worth it, right?

hey, fucktard, go ahead and seek solace in your sick, salacious, self-serving symnpathy session with a sleazy sack-sucking slut.

(despite the advice of my lit teacher, i've never been able to forsake my love of alliteration.)

[This message edited by stretch13 at 6:28 PM, April 28th (Sunday)]


http://www.facebook.com/hardheadpress
http://www.amazon.com/Eli-Ely-Ezekiel-Tyrus/dp/0986042900/

http://hardheadpress.com/

life must be rich and full of loving--it's no good otherwise, no good at all, for anyone - j. kerouac


Posts: 3929 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: east coast
careerlady
Member
Member # 16958
Default  Posted: 1:14 AM, April 29th (Monday)

Too late. Already changed his mind. Apparently though he works from home he might make director in 6 months or so in which case he'd have to be in N Cal and doesn't want his son to grow up without him. So not allowing a relocation and my lawyer already said move aways are 50k plus. So I guess I'm staying.

Might as well get the house but still file and not let him live with me though he'll have to help with childcare. He now wants to do counseling and have me not file, not sure I even want him. I'll let him go to individual counseling if he's still motivated after I file and if we are not doing well in MC (cause he did well in IC and passed lie detector) by the time we are divorced then oh well. Really sad about my SoCal dreams but I would definitely fight for DS if I was in his shoes so can't blame him...


Me (BS, 35); The Snake (WS, 36) 13yrs together; 1 baby boy (DOB 7/12)
Serial cheater-Multiple OWs, Multiple D-Days
D by default 5/3/14!
In house 8 mos, moved out 7/1!!!
Summary: http://youtu.be/iaysTVcounI

Posts: 937 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Northern California
Hurt2Deeply
Member
Member # 38317
Default  Posted: 12:55 AM, April 30th (Tuesday)

I sent you a private message.


Me BS 57
Him FWH 60
M 35 years
3 Adult kids
R

Posts: 93 | Registered: Jan 2013
redrock
Member
Member # 21538
Default  Posted: 8:21 AM, April 30th (Tuesday)

I am so sorry careerlady.

I do have to ask...
Why do you hold him to such a low standard?

Might as well get the house but still file and not let him live with me though he'll have to help with childcare.

He will have to help more than just childcare.... Child support plus 1/2 of childcare.

He now wants to do counseling and have me not file

Of course that is what he wants. The longer he can keep the status quo the more opportunity to work on you to stay in the relationship on HIS terms.

After everything that he has put you through he wants to dictate/negotiate the terms of R? He should be crawling accross glass right now. He is showing you who he is. Believe him.

Stay firm on your boundaries and requirements. He needs A LOT of work. He has to prove it to you each step of the way. Do not get sucked back in by his words. Watch what he does and not what he says.

I am sorry that you are stuck up there.


I don't respect anyone that can't spell a word more than one way:)

Posts: 3156 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Michigan
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, April 30th (Tuesday)

I'm hearing a lot of he is sorry about this, not that he is sorry for what he has done multiple times, he is more concerned about his way of life coming to an abrupt halt.

He is trying to manipulate you into letting him continue to cakeeat.
Filing will put an end to that, and knock his butt right off that fence he so enjoys sitting on.

He "Could" be a director in 6 months. Not he is guaranteed a Director in 6 months. He has a skewed way of looking at things. I would count on this as much as I would count on him being honest.

This may sound a bit harsh, but I seriously think you need to take a step back and get a good look at the whole picture.

(((( and strength ))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8506 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
careerlady
Member
Member # 16958
Default  Posted: 12:23 PM, April 30th (Tuesday)

Sorry not sure how to quote

Redrock holding him to a low standard cause I''m still hoping for full custody and can''t get child support without paying alimony. So helping with child care is all I would want. He''s not negotiating any terms of R, was just saying what he wanted. Not compromising this time and would only consider R for my little one''s sake IF he went to IC and I liked his attitude.

Tush nurse - it''s not that I believe he''ll be director, it''s the reason he''s giving for not allowing us to move. Still going to file, just can''t legally take the baby to SoCal...I don''t think he''s sorry yet, I think he feels it''s all understandable because first it was his childhood then he thought he''d lost me, blah blah...


Me (BS, 35); The Snake (WS, 36) 13yrs together; 1 baby boy (DOB 7/12)
Serial cheater-Multiple OWs, Multiple D-Days
D by default 5/3/14!
In house 8 mos, moved out 7/1!!!
Summary: http://youtu.be/iaysTVcounI

Posts: 937 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Northern California
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, April 30th (Tuesday)

Career - Sorry I misunderstood from your post.

I am glad that you have been able to stay so strong in this. You certainly have your priorities right, and that is your baby and yourself.

((((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8506 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
hopefulmother
Member
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, April 30th (Tuesday)

Well, whatever happens. I would out the "OW" after this is fixed. It sounds like someone he know well. And her "hotshot boyfriend" needs to know he is not so "hotshot". It is your H fault, but she didn't help out the situation either if she really did know about the legal problems. Sorry you can't go to SoCal. The good thing is, he sounds like he is reasonable to deal with.


Me-BW 39
WH-39
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends for 20yrs dating since 2000
Married 9yrs with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 933 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA
careerlady
Member
Member # 16958
Default  Posted: 1:56 PM, April 30th (Tuesday)

Hopeful mother don''t know how true it is but he says the woman he talked to on the phone was not the one he slept with. That honor goes to some "friend of a friend". But I told him the number and length of phone calls constitute an EA. if ever thinking to reconcile I will find out cause a lie detector will be involved.

Anyway all I have is her phone number and first name, she''s not in the reverse telephone directory and I don''t know her boyfriend so busting her would be hard. Besides he claims the bf is a friend too and knows they have been talking (humph!)


Me (BS, 35); The Snake (WS, 36) 13yrs together; 1 baby boy (DOB 7/12)
Serial cheater-Multiple OWs, Multiple D-Days
D by default 5/3/14!
In house 8 mos, moved out 7/1!!!
Summary: http://youtu.be/iaysTVcounI

Posts: 937 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Northern California
hopefulmother
Member
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 9:25 PM, May 2nd (Thursday)

I found all I really needed from FB. Did you try that?


Me-BW 39
WH-39
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends for 20yrs dating since 2000
Married 9yrs with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 933 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA
Topic Posts: 43