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User Topic: Can't believe This
betraydtwice
Member
Member # 38921
Default  Posted: 2:31 PM, April 25th (Thursday)

I can't believe he's gone. Won't answer my text and I can't really believe he would throw away 23 years just like that. His last ext was " I will love you always"

WTF?? Doesn't feel that way. I have to decide about a whole new future. I thought I knew my future...boy was I wrong.

He's 52 and apparently in love with MY 23 year old niece. WHAT!!!!!!

We were so close...where did it go?? Badly hurt, confused and just f*cked up in general.

Now what do I do?? Luckily its not really a monetary thing. Just a broken heart lol

And starting over at 48 wow I never would have thought...No more anger just PAIN


Posts: 148 | Registered: Apr 2013
simplydevastated
Member
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 2:36 PM, April 25th (Thursday)

WHAT! 23 yr old niece! Sounds like a mid-life crisis. Holy cow!

I'm so sorry your in pain, and receiving that text is just crazy. How can he say that and leave?

I'm so sorry, I wish I had something soothing to say to you.

(((HUGS)))


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day - listed in profile.)

Posts: 5854 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 2:49 PM, April 25th (Thursday)

(((hugs))) You take him at his word. You go see a lawyer. You out him to all of his relatives, your relatives, and friends. You change the locks on your doors, and you focus on one step at a time, moving away from him. Detatch. 180. I''m so bloody sorry. He obviously has his head far up his back passage.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4715 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
somanyyears
Member
Member # 26970
Default  Posted: 2:57 PM, April 25th (Thursday)


..skip talking to your crazy husband.. i'd try talking to the neice .. explain to her he's old enough to be her grandfather, and he's sure not 'sugar-daddy' material..

..she'll be bored silly in no time!!

..perhaps it will burn out in a week when they have their 'first'fight!

..i'd agree with the MLC 52/23 ??

..you are in the driver's seat now..

..lots of support here on SI..

..

Just a broken heart lol

..this is where the real day to day suffering lives.. the constant ache in my heart!

..wishing i was 48 again!!??

..go ahead and start over.. you've got another 48 ahead of you!!!!

live life..

smy


trust no other human- love only your pets
She isn't and never was who I thought..I can't believe who I married and what she did to us.
Me 67
Her 63
Married 42 yrs (together 47)
18 yr LTA with bf


Posts: 4120 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: the sad state of affairs
JanaGreen
Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 3:06 PM, April 25th (Thursday)

He's 52 and apparently in love with MY 23 year old niece. WHAT!!!!!!


I'm so very very sorry. How horrible! Does the rest of your family know? I bet her parents are raising holy hell, as well they should.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6671 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
betraydtwice
Member
Member # 38921
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, April 25th (Thursday)

Thank you everyone for your support. It's really needed now.

That's my worry the loneliness and the constant heart pain. He did a number on me. Blindsided.


Posts: 148 | Registered: Apr 2013
betraydtwice
Member
Member # 38921
Default  Posted: 3:12 PM, April 25th (Thursday)

Everyone knows, that is part of the problem. The asshole is embarrassed. He feels like it goes on and on. Big deal suck it up...YOU did it..live with it

Posts: 148 | Registered: Apr 2013
JanaGreen
Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, April 25th (Thursday)

Well, when you act ridiculous, people are going to think you're ridiculous. Natural consequence. I'm so terribly sorry. Are you getting a lot of support from family/friends?


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6671 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
SoVerySadNow
Member
Member # 36711
Default  Posted: 3:55 PM, April 25th (Thursday)

She won't be asking him to go along when she goes to clubs with her friends, that's for sure.
Edited:I'm sorry to sound flip- they are totally in different worlds. He's delusional. ((((hugs))))

[This message edited by SoVerySadNow at 3:57 PM, April 25th (Thursday)]


Me:BW
Him:WH
D-day(s),after years of TT and Gaslighting was Labor Day Weekend 2012, continuing for a week after. *Dammit! More TT 3/9/13
Really trending toward D- planning about it is my "happy place" now.

Posts: 1292 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Sunny Florida
betraydtwice
Member
Member # 38921
Default  Posted: 5:23 PM, April 25th (Thursday)

Flip is fine..lol He can't go the stupid bastard has anxiety attacks LOL.

At this point I really don't know if he is with her. I know she is the cause of separation but I don't know if he is with her now though. One of the last things he said to me was he was not going to be with her. But then why leave me??

He says its because I always argue with him....Well HELLO, I just found out about her for sure, last month. Of course I'm pissed off.

Anyway, family tries but there is no comprehension of what I am going through


Posts: 148 | Registered: Apr 2013
livebythesea
Member
Member # 38900
Default  Posted: 5:28 PM, April 25th (Thursday)

There is no sense to this at all! It is obviously a mid life crisis. His senses will come back, will it be too late?

Time heals, other than med, time is the best cure. Pray! Try it.


HIM - 56(looks older by the day)
his time has come
ME - 56 (heart aged lately)
DD1 April 5 2013 (he made that one up)
DD2 April 23 2013
DD3 June 8 2013
DD4 June 22 2013
3 children
1 grand child

Posts: 194 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Near the ocean ... Canada
betraydtwice
Member
Member # 38921
Default  Posted: 5:35 PM, April 25th (Thursday)

So what do I do if he calls tonight ? What do I tell him?

Should I be distant, act strong?
Or do I let him know how I feel?


Posts: 148 | Registered: Apr 2013
livebythesea
Member
Member # 38900
Default  Posted: 5:50 PM, April 25th (Thursday)

It is difficult to hold back. I know, I 've been living it for the past 3 weeks. I tell myself I will not reply to his text or answer the phone. And I do.

If you can, try some distance tonight. That is the best advice I can give you. Tomorrow you may feel a little bit different, and less agitated.


HIM - 56(looks older by the day)
his time has come
ME - 56 (heart aged lately)
DD1 April 5 2013 (he made that one up)
DD2 April 23 2013
DD3 June 8 2013
DD4 June 22 2013
3 children
1 grand child

Posts: 194 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Near the ocean ... Canada
betraydtwice
Member
Member # 38921
Default  Posted: 5:55 PM, April 25th (Thursday)

Ok I will try. Who knows he probably won't even call. Haven't heard from him since last night. I texted him once and told him I wanted something he took back and I told him to let me know and I will get the rest of his clothes together for him. No reply

Posts: 148 | Registered: Apr 2013
stupidgirlme
New Member
Member # 38778
Default  Posted: 8:19 PM, April 25th (Thursday)

Alright, since you said flip is fine~~~~ When I first read your post, all I could hear cheering in the background was, "Jer-ry! Jer-ry!, Jer-ry!" They sound like an episode in the making. I agree that it sounds like a mid-life crisis. As for her, maybe she is just jealous of you and wants to somehow get back? You know that it can't last for long.

I really have no good advice, but want you to know how terribly sorry I am for you!


~~I love listening to lies when I know the truth~~

Posts: 47 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Florida
inlove67
New Member
Member # 39064
Default  Posted: 8:51 PM, April 25th (Thursday)

He sounds heartless and lacking in morals. I am so sorry that someone you love and trusted has put you through this. I am concerned for you niece as well. What is she thinking? Sometimes girls are nasty creatures finding self esteem in "taking another woman's man" but real men cannot be stolen I would most certainly advise her to get some counseling, as for him you are better off, just know no matter what your choice we are all here going through infidelity with you and support you all the way! (Hugs)


D day: April 7 2013

Posts: 11 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Boston
betraydtwice
Member
Member # 38921
Default  Posted: 9:17 PM, April 25th (Thursday)

OK so I just talked with him. He is not with her and I think his stupid infatuation with her is over. I think you guys are right about the mid life crisis. I feel like he's just realizing what he did.

He kept crying and telling me he misses me etc. I'm like well all it took was honesty. Don't know what is so hard about that.

Then I told him that I think we need a few days apart to think about things and he freaked.

I think this stupid shit between him and her is over. I think they were feeding each others ego. It was all phone calls and texts between them. My problem was all the lies. Hers and his and I think now he is waking up

Time will tell I guess


Posts: 148 | Registered: Apr 2013
RockyMtn
Member
Member # 37043
Default  Posted: 9:22 PM, April 25th (Thursday)

Cut and paste and save Skan's advice. You might need it again in the future.

There is a forum in I Can Relate for double betrayals - anyone who has experienced the OP being someone they loved/cared about/trusted.


Me, BS, 30s
Him, WS, 30s, Steppenwolf
Kids: Yep
D-Day 1: September 2011, 6 week EA
D-Day 2: January 2013, discovered EA was a PA; there was another PA in 2010. All TT.
Goal = serenity.

Posts: 667 | Registered: Oct 2012
Lucky
Member
Member # 6864
Default  Posted: 9:43 PM, April 25th (Thursday)


Don't be so quick to believe it's totally over. She might not want him in the 'real world', his age might have been fun as a sugar daddy but as someone else pointed out, she's not likely to trot him around to her friends.

Pulling back and away is often a motivator & a defogger but take your time with this.


♥ WINE - the other fruit juice! ♥


Posts: 36162 | Registered: Apr 2005
betraydtwice
Member
Member # 38921
Default  Posted: 10:02 PM, April 25th (Thursday)

ya I've been to that sight. I started there. Thanks though.

This "thing" was always was always emotional between them. I knew that but they have both been lying to me. I talked to her yesterday. She apologized and said we were only talking.

So I told her, if that's all it was then why all the lies and secrets? Same story from both of them..I didn't want you to get mad.

So instead you idiots went underground and made it look like it was more than it was.

Anyway long story short, she came clean yesterday and we are supposed to meet up on wednesday to discuss it more.
He now realizes about his lies. But he can stew for a few days and think about it more.

I needed to see where he was physically and emotionally, because when he left I had no idea where his head was at. Delusional idiot. He left and he's crying and dying..

He's so lucky I'm almost done my menopause...last year he wouldn't have lasted so long. LOL


Posts: 148 | Registered: Apr 2013
betraydtwice
Member
Member # 38921
Default  Posted: 10:08 PM, April 25th (Thursday)

I know Lucky...there is still going to be some fallout from this, but it took a year for me to get them to the point that they can both put their fingers to their head.

I have discussed with him many times and he wouldn't let go..now he has. She is next, time to see what her deal is and was.


Posts: 148 | Registered: Apr 2013
Lucky
Member
Member # 6864
Default  Posted: 10:35 PM, April 25th (Thursday)

Betrayedtwice, get ahold of the book NOT "Just Friends"

http://www.shirleyglass.com/bookmain.htm

Many will tell you that an EA is harder to cope with, recover from than a PA. Both are traumatic, and I don't mean to lessen anyones pain at all... if this has been going on for a year, I'm not totally sure I'd believe it was 'just' an EA.


♥ WINE - the other fruit juice! ♥


Posts: 36162 | Registered: Apr 2005
betraydtwice
Member
Member # 38921
Default  Posted: 8:06 AM, April 26th (Friday)

I definitely think EA is worse than a ONS, sex is sex, talking,sharing your feelings with someone....getting closer and closer. Came to point we didn't hardly talk because he would tell her everything.

Think they are both dumbasses...lol


Posts: 148 | Registered: Apr 2013
betraydtwice
Member
Member # 38921
Default  Posted: 8:26 AM, April 26th (Friday)

There are many reasons why I KNOW it was only a EA. One of which is she doesn't live here and we were gone for most of the year last year. But they kept in touch even though we were 3000 miles away.

Imagine it taking almost a year and a huge ordeal for them to stop talking to each other.

I think the reason she stopped and has seen the light because I told her boyfriend about the calls. I told him that my marriage was over (that was when he left, even though he's still gone) and it was a result of him and her and their intimate phone calls.

Now I have to try to put it right (try to bring N and her mother together again, etc) for everyone so it doesn't affect the family any more than it already has.

There is a Huge family issue going on now. EA the gift that keeps on giving.

So I think my crisis is over, still things to deal with but not so confused...both of them are starting to talk to me and explain.

I will continue to show my support on here because without you guys I would have went nuts. I was too embarrassed to go to friends and there is only so much I can discuss with my family


Posts: 148 | Registered: Apr 2013
Lucky
Member
Member # 6864
Default  Posted: 10:57 AM, April 26th (Friday)

Listen sweetie, you have a lot on your plate. Step back and breathe a bit, take care of you first.

They created this mess it isn't your job to clean it up & nobody gets that more than me, truly.

Her relationship with her mom is hers to fix - not yours, it's part and parcel of growing up, it's called owning your shit and assuming responsibility for mistakes maken.

Your crisis is far from over it's just beginning, you are on the precipice of a landslide, you've no idea.

Right now maybe it would be better to not listen to them, they are busy doing damage control and trying to make it not such a big deal, point out your over reaction, they are "just friends" etc., be kind to yourself and step back. Do things you enjoy to try and take your mind off of it for an hour, half hour, 15 minutes...

And don't forget, we are always here.


♥ WINE - the other fruit juice! ♥


Posts: 36162 | Registered: Apr 2005
I think I can
Member
Member # 17756
Default  Posted: 11:15 AM, April 26th (Friday)

both of them are starting to talk to me and explain

Sorry, but this sounds more like "gaslighting and getting their cover stories straight." Have you seen their communications from the last year? I'd stay vigilant and start looking for the secret cell phone.

((betrayedtwice))


I'm not the winner, I'm the prize.

Posts: 8807 | Registered: Jan 2008
hopefulmother
Member
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 11:23 AM, April 26th (Friday)

Lucky_I wish there was a "like" button. I agree with her -damage control. Get your hands on "Not Just Friends" ASAP. It will bring a lot of clarity. It sounds like she has "daddy" issues. Your H isn't her father, so she was able to fall "in love" with him. Your H is clearly going through a mid-life crisis. So was mine. They need to feel young again, wanted again, needed again. They want to be the KISA. It is wrong, but it is not the end of the world. You can still save this. It would mean NC. It will be hard (no family events where she is there). Let her take care of herself. I have issues with my half-brother (pediophile) and haven't talked to him and seen him in 7yrs. It will cause family drama, but you need to focus on your immediate family. Stay separated for a week. Let him stew on his mistake. Then go see IC and MC. I know that it will always hurt. The intimacy and specialness is gone and can't be given back. Can you go on with that? Don't decide to do anything until you have had some therapy under your belt. I am soooo happy he has decided to start coming out of the fog.


Me-BW 39
WH-39
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends for 20yrs dating since 2000
Married 9yrs with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 933 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA
betraydtwice
Member
Member # 38921
Default  Posted: 3:26 PM, April 26th (Friday)

Lucky what is the landslide you are talking about?? What do you mean, there's more sh*t to come? What else? Give me a heads up

Posts: 148 | Registered: Apr 2013
betraydtwice
Member
Member # 38921
Default  Posted: 3:29 PM, April 26th (Friday)

I think I can, I think you are right. There is so much that doesn't ring true? I still think there is ALOT more to this story. You are right, gaslighting and rugsweeping.

Posts: 148 | Registered: Apr 2013
Haphazard
New Member
Member # 32204
Default  Posted: 11:54 AM, April 27th (Saturday)

180 the both of them and give yourself some time to think about what you want instead of letting them give you a crock of stories. Its not for you to put anything right...its for them to do that
take care

Posts: 18 | Registered: May 2011
Topic Posts: 30