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Reconciliation
User Topic: Devastated
Fidelia
Member
Member # 38345
Sad  Posted: 5:14 PM, April 25th (Thursday)

The last couple of weeks I thought WH had been withdrawing emotionally again. So a couple of days ago I asked him to think about why. Tomorrow night we're supposed to go out with some colleagues of his for drinks, so that I can get to know them. So I said I needed to know tonight, so I know where I stand.

He told me a few things (about why he stayed) and it became apparent that he only talked about me in the past or future tense, and the same with our M. So I asked him a really scary question: "Do you love me now, with all my faults? Not some theoretical person I might become in the future, but all of me as I am?"

You see I'd already answered this. That I love him, all of him, even his faults, as he is right now, but yes, I need change for the future too for our M to be safe. And that if he chose to leave, I'd still love him but love him enough to let him go.

He took a while to think. He said that he didn't love every bit of me but that he did care for me. So I told him he needed to think about what he wanted to do (as in whether to stay). First of all he tried to get me to make the decision, but I didn't let him get away with that. Then he said he should go. Then he said he had only stayed for the children (something that I had told him from the very start was NOT enough for me).

I was devastated, went to our room and cried because my heart was breaking all over again. WH went to his study, got a suitcase and started packing. I phoned a friend who was in the middle of putting her children to bed, and she said she'd ring back.

Then he came in and told me that he'd think about it for 24 hours and let me know tomorrow evening. Then he went out for a walk.

So I phoned my old pastor and asked for him and other to pray. WH came back. Got WH to phone his parents and explain why I wasn't going round to visit in the morning (he told them we're having some more difficulties and we're deciding whether to stay together or not).

And then I suggested that WH take the day off tomorrow (so that he can think). So is he? After all, this is our M.

No. He's got to do a handover in the morning, so he'll take the afternoon off. SERIOUSLY?

He'd take a whole day if he was sick. But for our M?

I am beyond hurt and angry right now.


Me: BW 36
Him: WH 36 (randomusername)

"lift your drooping hands and strengthen your weak knees, and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be put out of joint, but rather be healed" Heb12v13

"Oh God give me


Posts: 296 | Registered: Feb 2013
Holly-Isis
Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 5:24 PM, April 25th (Thursday)

((((Fidelia)))))

Are you sure he hasn't taken the A underground...this is very cheater-speak IMO.


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

❣Your soulmate is the person who helps grow your soul into a better being rather than tearing it down❣


Posts: 10868 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Limbo
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 5:30 PM, April 25th (Thursday)

This has ILYBINILWY written all over it.

This wasn't exactly addressed in your last post, Fidelia.

I know it's scary to think that it's still happening... it would be easier to pretend he's just confused.

It just plain doesn't sound like that. Don't trust that what he's saying is what's really happening. You're opening yourself up to even more hurt.

(((Fidelia)))


For last year's words belong to last year's language
And next year's words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning. - T.S. Eliot

Posts: 14617 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Lucky
Member
Member # 6864
Default  Posted: 5:32 PM, April 25th (Thursday)

((( Fidelia )))

I agree about the ILYBINILWY speech - just hasn't come right out and admitted it.

I'm so sorry.


♥ WINE - the other fruit juice! ♥


Posts: 36162 | Registered: Apr 2005
Fidelia
Member
Member # 38345
Default  Posted: 5:44 PM, April 25th (Thursday)

OK. I went downstairs and said:

"I'm going to say something to you. I don't want your answer straight away. I want you to think about it and I want you to be honest with me. Are you still seeing OW2 or contacting her, or flirting with or seeing another woman"

Than I came back upstairs. And having typed all of this out, he's not come back up.

Not a good sign, is it?


Me: BW 36
Him: WH 36 (randomusername)

"lift your drooping hands and strengthen your weak knees, and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be put out of joint, but rather be healed" Heb12v13

"Oh God give me


Posts: 296 | Registered: Feb 2013
Knowing
Member
Member # 37044
Default  Posted: 5:49 PM, April 25th (Thursday)

Good for you! That took courage. What does your gut tell you?


Me: BW, Him: fWH
Together 12 years
My EA (?) 2005-2011
His STA/PA: D-day: 19/09/12
TT: 08/12/12

We are in R.


Posts: 697 | Registered: Oct 2012
InRetrospect
Member
Member # 18641
Default  Posted: 5:50 PM, April 25th (Thursday)

And what did he do or whom did he call on his "walk"?


"We two form a multitude!"
...so glad we ditched the skank!!

Posts: 192 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: California
Lucky
Member
Member # 6864
Default  Posted: 5:53 PM, April 25th (Thursday)

I don't want your answer straight away. I want you to think about it

Oh lordy - music to many WS's ears, "I get time to work on my answer?"

Not a good sign, is it?

Well... you gave him a lot of wiggle room, I don't think you're going to hear what you want.

[This message edited by Lucky at 5:53 PM, April 25th (Thursday)]


♥ WINE - the other fruit juice! ♥


Posts: 36162 | Registered: Apr 2005
Knowing
Member
Member # 37044
Default  Posted: 6:05 PM, April 25th (Thursday)

I agree. Giving them wiggle room is like giving them more rope to hang themselves with.


Me: BW, Him: fWH
Together 12 years
My EA (?) 2005-2011
His STA/PA: D-day: 19/09/12
TT: 08/12/12

We are in R.


Posts: 697 | Registered: Oct 2012
Fidelia
Member
Member # 38345
Default  Posted: 6:07 PM, April 25th (Thursday)

So he said No and No. But that he did see OW2 on a train a few months back (she didn't see him) and he should have told me.

I said "It's not about should, it's about what you wanted to do, and you didn't want to tell me"

I went downstairs for a glass of water. He came back down and I told him to sleep in his study tonight.

I came back upstairs started getting undressed and he walked in and I stopped and said I was getting dressed and to close the door. A few minutes later he knocked. I opened the door and he said (with a sad look on his face)he just wanted to wish me a goodnight. I automatically said "Goodnight" and then stopped and said "No. It won't be." And closed the door.

So just me tonight. This is going to be a very long night. I have a headache already.


Me: BW 36
Him: WH 36 (randomusername)

"lift your drooping hands and strengthen your weak knees, and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be put out of joint, but rather be healed" Heb12v13

"Oh God give me


Posts: 296 | Registered: Feb 2013
Fidelia
Member
Member # 38345
Default  Posted: 6:18 PM, April 25th (Thursday)

Oh and I told him earlier that if he leaves I'm filing for divorce on the grounds of adultery and to not contest it.

I love him so much. But my gut says, how can he not know if he loves me after this long? My gut says, if he has to take a day to think about it, then I probably have my answer.

I have worked so hard at this M, but he doesn't seem to see that. It has been so painful allowing myself to be vulnerable and being hurt again and again. I now am starting to believe that he is regretful, but not remorseful. I suspect that if he leaves, he will not continue IC because I think he was just doing it to keep me happy, and not for himself.

Why has he put me through all this for 8 very long months?


Me: BW 36
Him: WH 36 (randomusername)

"lift your drooping hands and strengthen your weak knees, and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be put out of joint, but rather be healed" Heb12v13

"Oh God give me


Posts: 296 | Registered: Feb 2013
Lucky
Member
Member # 6864
Default  Posted: 6:26 PM, April 25th (Thursday)

Then he came in and told me that he'd think about it for 24 hours and let me know tomorrow evening. Then he went out for a walk.

Whoever he called on that walk has the answers, sounds like he's waiting for word from an OW about whether it's safe to leave you - will her door be open?

No. It shouldn't take a day to ponder if he loves his wife.


♥ WINE - the other fruit juice! ♥


Posts: 36162 | Registered: Apr 2005
mchercheur
Member
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 7:25 PM, April 25th (Thursday)

He is cheating again.

I am so sorry (((Fidelia)))


together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1089 | Registered: Dec 2012
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 7:38 PM, April 25th (Thursday)

But that he did see OW2 on a train a few months back (she didn't see him) and he should have told me.

This is step one of the Trickle Truth where it will eventually come out that he's still cheating.

On some planet they think that if they give you a grain of information you will accept it as enough of a confession to stop pushing.

I'm really proud of you for asking. I'm ashamed of him for still putting you through this. Think about what you love about him - good times aren't a reflection of love. Commitment. Truth. Consideration. THESE are what love is made of.


For last year's words belong to last year's language
And next year's words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning. - T.S. Eliot

Posts: 14617 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
ItStillHurts
Member
Member # 33617
Default  Posted: 7:43 PM, April 25th (Thursday)

I'm so sorry for you Fidelia. You knew, on some level you knew.

Sending you prayers and strength to get through this. (((Hugs)))


The cruelest lies are often told in silence (RLS).
DD: December 24, 2010, when she called me from a pay phone pretending to be someone else.
Me: BS (53)Him: WS (56) OW: 63 yr old Husband hunting predatory whore

Posts: 344 | Registered: Oct 2011
avicarswife
Member
Member # 35799
Default  Posted: 7:51 PM, April 25th (Thursday)

oh honey I am so sorry.

Your posts scream what a wonderful generous and loving person you are.

Take care of you and focus on your kids.

We can't change them - the change has to come from them.

Sending hugs and prayers your way.


BS: 47 (me)
WH: 51
Married 26 yrs, 3 kids (16-24)
D-Days 2012: 21 - 23 May + TT
D-Day 2013: 12 Apr OW#3
mOW #1 EA yrs PA Feb 2009-end 2011
mOW #2 EA months PA 4 months 2010
OW #3 PA single time 2010
Status: Maybe 'R'

Posts: 705 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: "down-under"
roughroadahead
Member
Member # 36060
Default  Posted: 8:02 PM, April 25th (Thursday)

Oh goodness, I'm so sorry. I'm not in R, but I'm responding because this is so very similar to what I went through in limbo/false R. I absolutely agree with the poster who talked about TT and the train comment. The same thing happened to me. He would "forget" to mention a meeting at work that she might be at, or some reason he had to send her an email. Yeah, that's because they were still in the A. The distance, everything, rings a bell. He was totally underground for more or less the whole time.

I know this is not the D/S forum, but I gently suggest not to let him call the shots. You are worth far more than letting him decide whether he loves you as an excuse to eat cake. Your gut is telling you what's going on. Take action. Take your power back.

(((Fidelia)))


BS-Me 30s
WS-Him 30s
D-Day 4/2012 (Insisted EA only)
D-Day 5/2012 (Did I say EA? Ummm..)
Numerous other TT/broken NC d-days until S 1/2013. D settled 11/2013
MOW-coworker, 40s.
2 DS and DD all w/autism

Posts: 707 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: USA
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 10:55 PM, April 25th (Thursday)

IMO, it doesn't matter if he's in another/the same old A or not - his answer to your basic question shows he's just not a candidate for R.

And make no mistake: the problem is his, not yours. He could be loving; he's just choosing not to be.

It's not safe for you to love him. The 180 is your friend here.

I know this is devastating - if you take care of yourself, you'll get through this and thrive.

BTW, kudos for asking your question - it's the single most critical question for BSes who want to R. It's not your fault he came up with the wring answer. He's projecting his problems onto you.


FBH (me) - 65+, FWW (her) - 65+, Married 45+, together almost 49 (as of January, 2014)
DDay - 12/2010
Almost Recovered
I share my own experience not because I'm a good model but because it's the only experience I know.

Posts: 8892 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
heforgotme
Member
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 12:01 AM, April 26th (Friday)

(((Fidelia)))

It seems to me that he has been looking for ways to blame this on you from the beginning. And if I remember the story correctly, you were unlucky enough to run into a MC who validated him. I'm just grateful that you never seemed to fall for their line of bull.

That you could give and give and give the way you have and he could make those ice cold comments to you is just beyond belief.

I don't think he has made any progress. I don't think he wants to. It might be time to think about what to do next.

I would send you strength, but I think you already have lots. Use it for YOU this time.

xo


D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1035 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
Fidelia
Member
Member # 38345
Default  Posted: 12:39 AM, April 26th (Friday)

Thank you everyone. At the moment, I choose to believe he's not still in the A. I know that I may be wrong. He certainly didn't phone anyone on his mobile phone while he was out walking.

Late last night I relented and let him come back into bed (not for sex!) and he held me. He talked about how awful he is and what awful things he has done and how he can't believe I can love him because he can't love himself. And he kept saying sorry. I told him that love is not just a feeling, but a choice. That I have chosen everyday to love him. That he chooses who he wants to love. That he made bad choices for a long time and did bad things, but that they don't have to define him, they don't have to be who he is because he can make different, new choices.

We talked for a while, mostly I cried, he cried, whilst we were holding each other. And I thought, this may be the last time I am ever held like this. And this morning our youngest came into bed between us for a cuddle, being really sweet. And I had silent tears running down my face thinking this may be the last family cuddle that we have. And my eldest missed out.

BTW, I am taking my power back. I believe that WH is passive, if not passive aggressive (he doesn't agree). I feel like he wants me to make the decision for him to leave. In fact he tried openly to do that. I want him to know that if he chooses to leave, it is 100% his choice, just as the A was. But if he does leave, I will be filing for divorce as soon as I can. No limbo land or yoyoing if he decides to go.

I am so very sad. I believe that marriage is for life and that was what I committed myself to when we got married before God. But I can't keep WH promises for him.

What is so very sad, is that as a vicar, I don't believe that vicars should remarry after divorce. I also don't believe in sex outside marriage or in starting relationships with someone who you don't have at least some thought of marrying.

If he goes, I will never be held by someone in that way again. My sex life and romantic life will be castrated at the grand old age of 36.

What's also really sad, is that my FOO is pretty awful with a NPD dad and sister and a family that collude with them. I know that they love me in their way, but it's an unhealthy love. WH was the first person to choose to love me fully as I am. Now I feel that I am not a loveable person. I have given him so much love, despite all he has done, and yet he's not sure if he can love me in that way, that there are some parts of me he cannot love. I know that's more to do with him than me, but it hurts at the deepest level.


Me: BW 36
Him: WH 36 (randomusername)

"lift your drooping hands and strengthen your weak knees, and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be put out of joint, but rather be healed" Heb12v13

"Oh God give me


Posts: 296 | Registered: Feb 2013
sailorgirl
Member
Member # 38162
Default  Posted: 8:26 AM, April 26th (Friday)

Fidelia,
I'm crying for you in Starbucks. With your FOO, it's wonderful that you learned so much about real love. Maybe from the church. Obviously, you have so much to give and are lovable to the core.

I have to say that my WH did that past-and-future only thing while he was in the A (before d-day). He had stopped rewriting the marriage, so he remembered that we had been happy for 12 years. He knew the A was wrong, and he planned to come back to me emotionally and love me right again when it was over. But he was stuck in it. He couldn't figure out how to get out and couldn't imagine coming clean to me.

Is it possible that your WH hasn't told you the worst of it?

[This message edited by sailorgirl at 12:07 PM, April 26th (Friday)]


Married 14 years, three amazing kids
H had 17 month EA/PA
D-day 1/5/13
Reconcilling

Posts: 787 | Registered: Jan 2013
JanaGreen
Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 8:35 AM, April 26th (Friday)

I'm so sorry Fidelia. What you're describing sounds very familiar to me and very similar to my husband's "lingering doubts" that he kept using as an excuse to misbehave and jerk me around.

It sounds like he's jerking you around in the same way, and my guess is that he'll keep giving you just enough hope to keep you hanging on. Just don't let him waffle on you. It's hell. ((HUGS))


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6149 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
Knowing
Member
Member # 37044
Default  Posted: 9:45 AM, April 26th (Friday)

(((Fidelia)))
Take it one day at a time. Today, deal with today... Don''t freak/psych yourself out worrying about the future. We tell ourselves all kinds of things about what we think we will accept from life... We are our own worst enemies, oftentimes we actually create our own unhappiness simply by nurturing our thoughts and having too many expectations. I swore up and down all my adult life that infidelity was an absolute deal-breaker, and automatic divorce, but here I am in R.


Me: BW, Him: fWH
Together 12 years
My EA (?) 2005-2011
His STA/PA: D-day: 19/09/12
TT: 08/12/12

We are in R.


Posts: 697 | Registered: Oct 2012
Fidelia
Member
Member # 38345
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, April 26th (Friday)

He didn't want me to go with him to see the MC (he's there now). He didn't think of what I needed, what we needed, just what he wanted.

Just beforehand we were talking about things upstairs in the bedroom. He kept bouncing from one thing to another, as if testing out reasons to leave:

* I'm too good for him
No, we're both just fallible human beings
* He loves me but doesn't like some things about me
Well he's not exactly perfect either and he knew all those things about me before we married almost 14 years ago
* listing my faults
See above and I didn't throw a bomb into our marriage
* He's a bad selfish person
Yes he has been, but that's all about choices. He could choose to make different choices. Leaving is a selfish bad choice.
* He doesn't feel like he's made to be in a relationship
Umm, hello, we've been married for almost 14 years and were dating for 3 years before that. He did pretty well until the last few years. Slow learner?
* I've not been happy for a long time
See above and if he'd actually talked about it we could have dealt with it. It's not too late to turn things around now, if he's willing to do the work together

These are all things he said right from the beginning when I first began to discover things. Nothing has changed. He has just got better at saying the right things.

And there was no concern for me or the boys. Well he made one comment about us being better without him because he'll just hurt me again. But that was all about him too. Not really feeling hopeful right now. I need an actual miracle.

Oh and he also started pushing against some boundaries we have in place:

* Parental software on his mobile because of the porn thing
* Not going to works drinks because he used that to meet with her etc

These are both boundaries that he suggested, but he was talking as if he was a grumpy teen talking to their tough mum. I told him that he chose them and it was up to him to keep them, but he chose them to protect us and our marriage.


On SI it says to watch their actions over months, not just what they say. All of this conversation tells me that he's been trying to say what he thinks I want to hear, but can't keep it up because it's ot what he really wants.

Well if that's the case, then why keep me hanging on for 8 MONTHS. Why let me have hope? Why keep crushing me? Why not just leave straight away? Then I'd be 8 months further on from healing from this all.

Well, actually, he likes to be seen as the good guy. He's passive / passive aggressive. Walking away from us after having an affair can't very easily be made to look good, can it? Maybe he just wanted me to ask him to leave but I wouldn't co-operate with that. Well, good. If he wants to destroy our marriage and our family, then he can blooming well face up to that.

[This message edited by Fidelia at 11:56 AM, April 26th (Friday)]


Me: BW 36
Him: WH 36 (randomusername)

"lift your drooping hands and strengthen your weak knees, and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be put out of joint, but rather be healed" Heb12v13

"Oh God give me


Posts: 296 | Registered: Feb 2013
Fidelia
Member
Member # 38345
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, April 26th (Friday)

But I still want / pray for this M to be healed


Me: BW 36
Him: WH 36 (randomusername)

"lift your drooping hands and strengthen your weak knees, and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be put out of joint, but rather be healed" Heb12v13

"Oh God give me


Posts: 296 | Registered: Feb 2013
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 12:02 PM, April 26th (Friday)

((((((((((Fidelia))))))))))


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: R? I don't know..ask me tomorrow..it changes rapidly.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 6635 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
dameia
Member
Member # 36072
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, April 26th (Friday)

Fidelia,

I've been following your post for awhile and right now my heart is breaking for you. I know that you really want to save this M, but your WH really seems like he is getting ready to call it quits.

You're right, he left you hanging on for 8 months because now when he walks he can say, "Well I gave it my best, it just didn't work out." Which we all know is crap. He didn't give it his best, he half-assed it.

I am going to keep praying for you, that you have the strength to face whatever is coming your way.

(((Fidelia)))


Me: BS
D-Day: 7/7/12

"People who live in a glass house have to answer the door" -Karl Pilkington


Posts: 988 | Registered: Jul 2012
Fidelia
Member
Member # 38345
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, April 26th (Friday)

He's just told me that he's given himself permission not to make a decision today.

He also said he's been unhappy for some time. I asked him since when. He said the counsellor asked that too. The time correlates to when our eldest was a baby, he didn't feel respected in his job and when the EA with OW1 started.


Me: BW 36
Him: WH 36 (randomusername)

"lift your drooping hands and strengthen your weak knees, and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be put out of joint, but rather be healed" Heb12v13

"Oh God give me


Posts: 296 | Registered: Feb 2013
Fidelia
Member
Member # 38345
Default  Posted: 12:50 PM, April 26th (Friday)

So...he starts an EA and ever since then he's been unhappy. I reckon it's self perpetuating.


Me: BW 36
Him: WH 36 (randomusername)

"lift your drooping hands and strengthen your weak knees, and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be put out of joint, but rather be healed" Heb12v13

"Oh God give me


Posts: 296 | Registered: Feb 2013
Gr8Wht71
New Member
Member # 38599
Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, April 26th (Friday)

So sorry for you Fidelia.
(((Fidelia)))


Me: BH 41 {} Her: WW 42
Married: 17-1/2 years
PAs&EAs July 2012 - ???
D-Days 2/16/13 & 3/4/13
I'm not upset that you lied to me, I'm upset that from now on I can't believe you. - Nietzsche
Divorcing

Posts: 50 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: NorthEast USA
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 5:40 PM, April 26th (Friday)

Two points. First...

Right now, you are too good for your H, Fidelia.

To be a good partner again, he has to look inside, accept that he doesn't like what he sees and feels, and find the courage and strength to change. Until he does that, he's useless in an M. You deserve better - and you will have to get it for yourself.

I hear your sadness. I hope your H finds himself again and works with you to rebuild your M. But staying in this sitch, without changing it, is taking the life out of you.
**********************

Second, based on your profile and posts, I assume you're C of E. Wasn't the founding principal of the C of E that a person can divorce and remarry? Are you really prohibited from remarrying by your Church - or are you just so far down that you want to eat worms?

I'm not making light of that. I've been there during R, and it's awful. But it's temporary.

You're smart, loving, insightful, full of life (which may just be a synonym for 'young') - you'll feel joy again. I hope it's with your H (since that's what you want), but if he won't get on board, choose life for yourself. Choose life.


FBH (me) - 65+, FWW (her) - 65+, Married 45+, together almost 49 (as of January, 2014)
DDay - 12/2010
Almost Recovered
I share my own experience not because I'm a good model but because it's the only experience I know.

Posts: 8892 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
hopeful10
Member
Member # 37765
Default  Posted: 6:39 PM, April 26th (Friday)

(((Fidelia)))

Our timelines are very similar, and I know how devastated I would be if my WH started acting like this after 8 months. He is back to Dday behavior, right down to the blameshifting and trickle truth. How incredibly hurtful and selfish. Even if he isn't cheating again (it sounds like he is at least on the road to it) this kind of mean spirited selfishness is not what you deserve.


Taking it one day at a time.

Posts: 351 | Registered: Dec 2012
Fidelia
Member
Member # 38345
Default  Posted: 7:21 PM, April 26th (Friday)

He has left our marriage.

He tried to say that he was leaving because he had messed me around so much and didn't want to hurt me anymore.

I feel that he was lying to me for the first 4 months about the PA. The last 4 months he's been doing the minimum, saying the right things, but his actions have often not followed through.

Just before he left I asked to look at his phone. Two of his self chosen boundaries are:

1. No texting/phoning women for social reasons
2. No discussing our M with women.

He had called a female colleague and told her our marriage was in trouble. Then they exchanged some texts. And he only told me when I saw it. Well that explains the boundary pushing.

I feel that he really just wants to live as a single man. He actually almost tried to ask if he could cake eat. Saying that he wished there was some kind of halfway house between staying and leaving.

I also discovered that he'd told his parents he was going to leave, before he told me. He also bad mouthed me to them.

I hope that he's not going to try and make me look bad so that he looks like the good guy in all this. I'm not going to play these games.

I'm not looking forward to the boys waking up to find him gone. He'll be back about 3 hours after they wake up so that we can break it to them.

I did not want this. Why couldn't he face himself and his actions? Why is he running away from it all? He can fool himself that he's doing us a favour, but he's broken apart our marriage and family and broken all our hearts.


Me: BW 36
Him: WH 36 (randomusername)

"lift your drooping hands and strengthen your weak knees, and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be put out of joint, but rather be healed" Heb12v13

"Oh God give me


Posts: 296 | Registered: Feb 2013
Fidelia
Member
Member # 38345
Default  Posted: 7:23 PM, April 26th (Friday)

Sisoon - people can remarry, but clergy have to get the bishop's permission. I'm from the low church / evangelical wing and they're not exactly welcoming of remarriage, let alone remarriage of clergy. Plus, I'm praying that he makes the changes and comes back to R


Me: BW 36
Him: WH 36 (randomusername)

"lift your drooping hands and strengthen your weak knees, and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be put out of joint, but rather be healed" Heb12v13

"Oh God give me


Posts: 296 | Registered: Feb 2013
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 7:26 PM, April 26th (Friday)

I'm so sorry, Fidelia.

(((Fidelia)))


For last year's words belong to last year's language
And next year's words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning. - T.S. Eliot

Posts: 14617 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
HappyRunner
New Member
Member # 38484
Default  Posted: 7:31 PM, April 26th (Friday)

Oh my gosh, does this hit home. I think the best thing we can all do is take care of ourselves, realize we are lovable, and love is a choice - a mature, adult choice. You will know what to do. Take it one day at a time and realize, maybe today you don't need to make a final decision. You made a lot of REALLY hard choices today - confronting something you don't want to hear, listening to your gut, listening to your husband. The most important thing is you spoke up. Give yourself a lot of credit. When we are hurting that takes a lot of courage. Hugs your way!


BS (me): 43
WH: 46
DD: 4
D Day: August 14, 2012
Married: 17 years; together 20
OW: Just a fly I want to swat away
"We delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty" - May

Posts: 38 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Midwest
HurtButHopeful?
Member
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 7:38 PM, April 26th (Friday)

(((fidelia)))


Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
dameia
Member
Member # 36072
Default  Posted: 8:23 PM, April 26th (Friday)

I'm so sorry.

(((Fidelia)))


Me: BS
D-Day: 7/7/12

"People who live in a glass house have to answer the door" -Karl Pilkington


Posts: 988 | Registered: Jul 2012
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 11:01 PM, April 26th (Friday)

I came back to edit that comment out of my post, but too late. Thanks for the info.

I'm glad to read you're not giving up hope. My comment that he's not much use in an M relates to now. He can change, and I hope he does, for his sake as well as yours.


FBH (me) - 65+, FWW (her) - 65+, Married 45+, together almost 49 (as of January, 2014)
DDay - 12/2010
Almost Recovered
I share my own experience not because I'm a good model but because it's the only experience I know.

Posts: 8892 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Fidelia
Member
Member # 38345
Default  Posted: 1:12 AM, April 27th (Saturday)

Thanks Sisoon.

I'm praying for change too. But if this, and me pursuing divorce doesn't motivate him to make changes, I don't know what will.

The counsellor said that he kind of created a second persona who could do all this hidden stuff. I feel like he's shut the real him away in a box because he can't face up to his actions, because he hates his real self. And so he's let this new persona take over. He learnt all the right things to say and even made short term changes, but they never lasted and he never fought for our marriage, only did things passively, never did anything I hadn't asked (and didn't do all of that).

Each time counselling got too close, he stopped it for a new type. But our new MC wouldn't let him try to blame me etc and I think it shook him, she might see through him. I think that's why he suddenly became so very distant this week straight after MC.

As long as he lets the A persona take charge, nothing is going to change. It's the easy option for him. Easier to break up our marriage and family than to face himself and own what he has done and actually work on making changes. It's so very sad.

Even if he decides not to R, I want him to become whole again, but I don't know if he will.


Me: BW 36
Him: WH 36 (randomusername)

"lift your drooping hands and strengthen your weak knees, and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be put out of joint, but rather be healed" Heb12v13

"Oh God give me


Posts: 296 | Registered: Feb 2013
Fidelia
Member
Member # 38345
Default  Posted: 1:13 AM, April 27th (Saturday)

Thanks Sisoon.

I'm praying for change too. But if this, and me pursuing divorce doesn't motivate him to make changes, I don't know what will.

The counsellor said that he kind of created a second persona who could do all this hidden stuff. I feel like he's shut the real him away in a box because he can't face up to his actions, because he hates his real self. And so he's let this new persona take over. He learnt all the right things to say and even made short term changes, but they never lasted and he never fought for our marriage, only did things passively, never did anything I hadn't asked (and didn't do all of that).

Each time counselling got too close, he stopped it for a new type. But our new MC wouldn't let him try to blame me etc and I think it shook him, she might see through him. I think that's why he suddenly became so very distant this week straight after MC.

As long as he lets the A persona take charge, nothing is going to change. It's the easy option for him. Easier to break up our marriage and family than to face himself and own what he has done and actually work on making changes. It's so very sad.

Even if he decides not to R, I want him to become whole again, but I don't know if he will.


Me: BW 36
Him: WH 36 (randomusername)

"lift your drooping hands and strengthen your weak knees, and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be put out of joint, but rather be healed" Heb12v13

"Oh God give me


Posts: 296 | Registered: Feb 2013
Hearthache again
Member
Member # 28564
Default  Posted: 1:27 AM, April 27th (Saturday)

He sounds a lot like my H after the 1st A and just prior to Dday#2. My H was suffering from depression. It took many people telling him he needed help before he took it serious. My H was a monster to live with. He just did enough to get by and was so full of pride.

He is a completely different person now. A lot of IC, meds, prayer, and support from a great church family has changed him. Its not impossible for him to change but it will take a lot of mountain moving to do it.

[This message edited by Hearthache again at 1:28 AM, April 27th (Saturday)]


Me-BS(32)
Him-WS(35)
Married-12 years together 13
Kids 4: 15, 12, 8, and 3
DDay#1 9-26-2008 Dday#2 4-26-2010
We have R!!! But I still hate the number 26!

This too shall pass
I edit a lot because that stupid box is so small!


Posts: 871 | Registered: May 2010 | From: Michigan
ItsaClimb
Member
Member # 37107
Default  Posted: 1:52 AM, April 27th (Saturday)

So sorry Fidelia {hugs}


BS 46
Together 29 yrs, M 25 years
2 daughters 24yo(married with a brand new little daughter) & 18yo
D-Day 18 Aug 2012
6mth EA lead to 4mth PA with CO-W. I found out 8 1/2 yrs later

Posts: 764 | Registered: Oct 2012
Fidelia
Member
Member # 38345
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, April 27th (Saturday)

I just want to send a message to people looking for R.

Please don't be discouraged by what has happened to me, but do learn from it:

1. As people keep saying true remorse results in a changed person with changed actions, long term. If the long term change isn't there, they're not doing the work.

2. WS can learn to say all the right words. They can be plausible. And we want it to be true. Make sure the actions match up to their words.

3. You can only work on you. You cannot make it happen for them. If you are the one coming up with all the ideas, if you are prompting them to do things, even if they do them, they are not owning R. Big red flag.

4. Be patient. It's so hard, we want R so much but really, time does tell. For me he kept it up for 8 months. I think that's why they say not to decide anything for the first year.

5. No matter how you work at R, you cannot make the other person stay. And you don't want to. The compromises you will make to placate them will eat away at your self esteem little by little. And when they leave you will realise that it doesn't matter what you tried to change, it was never about you, it was about them.And all you'll have done is compromise your sense of self

6. Some non remorseful WS would rather run away and break up the marriage than face the real trauma of what they have done and who they have become. There is nothing you can do about this. A WS can only R is they have the strength and courage to own their choices. If your WS is facing what they've done and really working on themselves, YOU WILL KNOW, it may take time for you to fully believe it, but they will do anything to put it right, they will do the really hard digging, they will come up with the ideas, they will not derail conversations, they will not try and talk about your faults before they have worked on theirs. And if they are truly remorseful consistently over time, praise them and cherish them because although they are fallible and have hurt you beyond imagining, they have bravery and strength and are committed to you. And there are many who could not do the same.


Me: BW 36
Him: WH 36 (randomusername)

"lift your drooping hands and strengthen your weak knees, and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be put out of joint, but rather be healed" Heb12v13

"Oh God give me


Posts: 296 | Registered: Feb 2013
Ashland13
Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 12:58 PM, April 27th (Saturday)

Fidelia's post has some common things with what STBXH did. He strung me along for a whole year without filing for D or even getting a lawyer but is in and out of living with OW and making "plans for the future", while still married to me.

I forget entire conversations between us now, but he would do similar things and one of the posts struck me as the same thing...the one where he wants to be able to say he did everything he could to make the M work.

My STBXH is actually lying to siblings and friends, telling them how sincerly he wanted it to work, while he drove from their homes directly to OWs.

"Problems" he had were hidden all these 20 years as he too is passive aggressive and he never told me he was unhappy until he had secured a place/shacked up at OWs.

All throughout last year, he even told the same friends and relatives and neighbors that he didn't want a divorce, but he wouldn't come home when he had a chance.

False R came over the holidays and ruined them for me and I think it was even more devious than some of the other things he's done/doing.

I'm really sorry, Fidelia, for your trouble.

At present, I feel like a pregnant widow because I can't fathom loving another man as I loved him. I met him at 17 and am 40 now and all I have known is being his wife and being a mother. I worked years ago, but I was as devoted as any wife could be and used to tell him how proud I was to be his wife. Fool.

I am a church organist and though not super religious, wouldn't hurt a flee. Lying I cannot fathom or tolerate and I married for life as you did.

The things an affair steals from a marriage but also a BS are core and fundamental ideals, I'm finding, and at least at this point, I can't imagine letting anyone into my heart and mind close enough to give that trust to again.

So I wanted to close by saying I'm sorry for your pain as I know it well and wish you peace and prayer.

Each day over the winter, I would get "I love you". "I don't love you anymore." "I don't feel romantic with you anymore." "I care but I'm not in love with you."

I suspect it was when he was securing a spot with OW so he could feel secure to leave here and not be alone like I and our daughter would be. It feels very similar to what you have happening, but I do hope he didn't contact anyone, like you said.

STBXH in this case also found ways to go more underground, but I got smarter as he did and it irked him no end. I and my IC think he was agitated because of the spot-A-but took it out on me and blamed me, also similar sounding.

Some of my favorite hymns are the Maundy Thursday hymns and I think among them is a line that talks about "the guilty walk alone." I have to check up on the reference, but it was really hard last year not to put it on facebook on his pages, especially the one he put up with himself as a widower. (As if...)

Part of the underground route was blocking and unblocking his mobile phone and for all I know there could be another one. He would show me the activity log as blank, but I'd see him very busy beforehand or he wouldn't let me see his computer screen for a time before he would show me the log.

And he lied to my face about NC, texting from the bathroom so much I thought he was sick.

(Ewww...I would rather wait than be contacted from there, almost lol!)

I send support and hope things will work out the way you want them too and will set aside some time to finish your thread.


Ashland 13

The only thing that stays the same, is change. -M. Etheridge


Posts: 1965 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Topic Posts: 45