User Topic: When will I be able to let go of the pain?
New Member
Member # 39028
Default  Posted: 10:46 PM, April 25th (Thursday)

We are 2 years out and he has been doing everything right. Transparency, support, counseling,etc. the only thing is that he only 2 months ago fully admitted major details of the A and his relationship with OW. This changes the way I had processed the A and my reaction to it. My therapist says I can't let go because of childhood abuse and abandonment issues, but frankly I think that's a load of crap. Should I already be able to move on?? I feel that he loves me more than he ever has and shows me every day, but I can't get the A out of my head. How can you do that to someone you love?

Me: BS (32)
Him: WH (33)
Dday: 12/24/2010
Kids: 2- ages 2 and 4

Posts: 14 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Indiana
Member # 6864
Default  Posted: 10:50 PM, April 25th (Thursday)

For many the second year was the hardest, and then you got another D-day tossed in... you hang on until you are healed, there is no timeframe.

♥ WINE - the other fruit juice! ♥

Posts: 36162 | Registered: Apr 2005
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 10:51 PM, April 25th (Thursday)

I can't get the A out of my head.

No wonder. You were just served up a boatload of TT. For all intents and purposes you are just 2 months past DDay.

I think your therapist is full of it too. And I think it's great that you can recognize that.

Hang in there....

D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1083 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
Member # 28889
Default  Posted: 7:38 AM, April 26th (Friday)

I can tell you that the 2nd year was the hardest for me. My WH TT 5 months past D-Day and it was like starting all over again. TT , to me is one of the harder things to deal with, because it means that the WS has been withholding information while your trying to save your M.

I also want to say that at 4 years out, there are still some painful thoughts, but they do not last long and are not gut wrenching.

Hugs to you.

Ws 59
Bs me--57
Married 39 years
D Day 11/30/08
Just trying to feel normal.It is getting there, but very slow.

Posts: 178 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Tennessee
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 10:29 AM, April 26th (Friday)

How can you do that to someone you love?

I ask myself this every day, sometimes several times a day. The answer I always get from the SI veterans here is, IT WAS ALL ABOUT THEIR SHORTCOMINGS and had nothing to do with the love they had for you. I still have trouble believing this...It doesn't make sense. 2+2= orange. It will never make sense. I'm trying to accept it, but the logical part of my brain won't let go of rationale.

Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,Recovering Alcoholic, M6yrs T13. Boys 2 & 4 1/2.
DDay #1 Nov,2012. 1 1/2 year false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 again Jan,2014
Filed for D Feb,2014.

Posts: 962 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, April 26th (Friday)

The TT set you all the way back to day one. You have to reprocess every thing he has told you.

Also,your WH has NOT been doing everything he should. Since he was holding back major details of the A,he has been lying throughout that makes the last 2 years a false R.

2.5 years into our R,WH told me some major changed everything for me too.

The TT was bad..but what I am really having a hard time with is all the lies he told me since dday1..for 2.5 years he swore I knew everything,he was a changed man,he would never lie or cheat again. Then 2.5 years into it,he tells me about another PA/AP that took place prior to dday#1.

That he would lie to me..over and over again..while I begged him to tell me what I didnt know..while my gut was screaming there was more..he lied.

Im not sure how to R with someone who does that.

FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.

Posts: 7679 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 5:17 PM, April 26th (Friday)


You are not alone. I too wonder when I can let go of the pain.

My therapist says I can't let go because of childhood abuse and abandonment issues

I find this interesting and I wonder what facts there are to back this up. I am also a childhood abuse survivor with abandonment issues.

How can you do that to someone you love?

Well my own answer to this question is because they either put us (BS's) completely out of their minds during the A


They didn't love us during the A.

My WH acted cruel to me while in the A. He was distant and I couldn't do anything right. We argued all the time about his withdrawn behavior, which he would then use to paint me as the bad guy to the MOW and play off her sympathies.

My WH did not love me during his A. His actions toward me were proof of that.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 5:17 PM, April 26th (Friday)]

BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
Member # 36285
Default  Posted: 9:37 PM, April 26th (Friday)

I agree, you're back at square one with the new info. Don't worry yourself about doing things on the correct timeline.

One thing that has helped me is journaling. It has helped me to see how far I've come when I would have otherwise seen the progress.

BW Me, 32 FWH - Him, 33
Married 9 years, together for 14
3 Kids: 5 yrs, 3 yrs, 18 months
MOW - my "friend"
DD#1 July 2012, admitted to an EA
DD#2 1/14/13, finally admitted to PA

Posts: 122 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Somewhere in Middle America
Member # 38518
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, April 27th (Saturday)


For some people, they may just not be able to truly ever 'get over' the emotional abuse that comes with an A. That's certainly not a bad thing. It's just the way some people work, and that's perfectly acceptable. However, if you are one of those people, it may be good to reevaluate how long you want to allow yourself to remain in a relationship feeling this constant pain. I can't imagine you'd want to spend the rest of your life with someone who you feel daily pain with, ya know?

Search within yourself. I'm sure you'll find the answer soon.

ME: 33 BH
HER: 32 WW
Married: 8 years
Children: Yes
DDay #1: 02/22/2006 (ONS)
DDay #2: 09/23/2012 (EA/PA)
DDay #3: 12/07/2012 (EA/PA)
DDay #4: 01/03/2013 (EA/PA)
DDay #5: 01/24/2013 (EA/PA)
TT until 04/07/2013
100% NC: 04/18/2013

Posts: 190 | Registered: Feb 2013
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, April 27th (Saturday)

If you just found out a boatload of A stuff, TWO MONTHS ago, it is no wonder you cannot get it out of your head. He waited wayyyy to long to reveal these things to you! For him, it is "old news". For you - it is very fresh.

So...let him know what you need. That you are in pain. With work and time "letting go" will come.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2444 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
New Member
Member # 39028
Default  Posted: 11:24 PM, April 30th (Tuesday)

Thank you to everyone who has replied. It helps me so much to hear perspective and validation of my feelings and reactions. I feel so supported, we are all in this together!

Me: BS (32)
Him: WH (33)
Dday: 12/24/2010
Kids: 2- ages 2 and 4

Posts: 14 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Indiana
Member # 33867
Default  Posted: 1:43 AM, May 1st (Wednesday)

My therapist says I can't let go because of childhood abuse and abandonment issues

^^^This statement alone would cause me to find a new IC.

I did not suffer childhood abuse or abandonment issues ~ I wonder what poor excuse your IC would come up with to explain why, after 2.5yrs, I "can't let go/move on"

My response to IC would be:

"It's called betrayal. It's HUGE, it's PAINFUL, it's DESTRUCTIVE, it's LIFE's that simple numb nut".

Geez, who's giving away these degrees?

ME: 54 BS
HIM: 61 WH
Married: 28 years
D'Day: 10/29/10
in R 4 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.

The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.

Posts: 2122 | Registered: Nov 2011
Topic Posts: 12