New Beginnings
User Topic: Should I help or laugh? haha
Member # 36258
Default  Posted: 11:02 PM, April 25th (Thursday)

So my XWW calls me on Tuesday to discuss the drop off times for the kids. She goes off subjects

X- Do you know how to fix alternators?
Me- Yes.
X- Can you fix mine on my car? My alternator died on me.
Me- Why don't you ask your boyfriend(OM) to do it?
X- I did and he researched it and you had to BLAH BLAH BLAH(I was shopping) BLAH BLAH. $400 for it to be fixed at the shop. BLAH BLAH BLAH.......
Me- What do you want me to do about it?
X- If you could fix it for me?
Me- HMMMMMMMMMMMM. Lets see if I have anytime this weekend. I am really busy with my dad in the hospital and I have the kids this weekend.
X- Fine. Thanks anyways.

I do feel bad because I could fix it for free but really, I laughed after I ended the call. Is it wrong to laugh? Is it wrong to still be laughing because she downgraded to a crap car after giving everything I gave her back to me? Well I don't hope that when it rains, it pours. I would die laughing.

Posts: 342 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: St.Paul Minnesota
Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 11:12 PM, April 25th (Thursday)

I had a similar exchange over text messaging with mine last week. Apparently her car is running poorly now that nobody has been maintaining it for the past nine months and New Dad badly misdiagnosed the problem, costing her well over $1000 at the shop. She didn't actually come out and ask me to fix it for her (I suspect that it's just a sensor that had coolant leaking on it from a bad hose that I replaced a few weeks after Dday. Gotta love how hard I tried to nice her back.) but she sure tried to get me to offer. I didn't bite. You shouldn't either.

Posts: 1736 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Baja Arizona
Member # 19595
Default  Posted: 12:50 AM, April 26th (Friday)

She fired you. No obligation from you any longer. She can't have a boyfriend and a husband with two different men at the same time. Guess she'll have to pay to fix the car.

I had the opportunity one time to tell FT he fired me from being his wife. I was laughing and smiling for days too.

It's my life now, my choices, my mistakes to make and my victories to celebrate. His choices made me free of liars and betrayers in my life. That is priceless.

Posts: 20383 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Closer to where I want to be..
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 12:54 AM, April 26th (Friday)

I think you should enjoy the laughter.

Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011

Posts: 9829 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Member # 24210
Default  Posted: 8:13 AM, April 26th (Friday)

What helped me gauge what I should or shouldn't do was thinking about it as setting a precedent forever.

Meaning.....if you help now, it will not be a one time thing. It will be a thing every single time she needs help.

Fast forward to 5 years down the have to go pick up her car to fix XYZ and her and some guy are just lounging on the porch, giggling and sipping drinks.

Those are the thoughts that helped me not feel bad.

Eyes are useless if the mind is blind.

Posts: 2181 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Pa
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 8:46 AM, April 26th (Friday)

I vote laugh!

I have a friend who is just like you - it's easy for him to fix stuff like a car, and he will always help out a friend. But your ex wife isn't your friend anymore. She's your ex wife. She fired you from doing stuff like fixing her car for free.

I mean, think about it. Why would you fix her car in the past? Because you loved her and want to take care of her. It's a show of affection, even though it's something that you may enjoy doing. But now? How incredibly inappropriate would it be for you to be showing that kind of affection to a woman who 1) cheated on you, and 2) is with another guy, and 3) obviously isn't worthy of your affection?

Um, no thanks. Sorry "honey", should have thought of all that before you ran around.

"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13801 | Registered: Jul 2011
Member # 36839
Default  Posted: 9:03 AM, April 26th (Friday)

So I''m the family fix-it/call guy and I HATE not helping people out no matter who they are. Now my situation is a little differant in that my X is not with OM, but in your case just don''t touch it. If your KISA like me it won''t be easy to leave this stuff alone but she has OM now, she made her choice and needs adjust to her new life just like you do. If you help out then you will give the impression that she can now rely on you to fix things in the future.

The barometer I try and use in all things is how will this effect my children''s "needs". As long as she is spending her play cash to fix it and that does not hurt the children in some way then its up to her to handle it from now on. Your only obligation is to your kids now.

BH (32)
DS - 7, DD - 6

Posts: 461 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Fort Worth,Texas
Member # 24534
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, April 26th (Friday)

Yeah, my ex was hinting about getting me to help with his taxes this year. I have always done both of our taxes every year, come to think of it I took care of everything

Anyway, you like me should politely tell her of some good shops where you can get that done for a resonable price. lol. We are no longer at their disposal. We are ex's not friends not go have a laugh..and a cookie!

BS (me) 40
WH - 48
Married 12 years
DS - 12
D-day 06/21/09
Separated....hopefully divorcing soon.

Posts: 630 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Canada
Member # 30143
Default  Posted: 9:28 AM, April 26th (Friday)

She's got a lot of nerve to even ask.

Me (BW) (55), Him(SAWH) (58)
Married 22 years, 1 son (19), 1 stepdaughter (27)
DDay #1 January 2004
DDay #2 7-27-2010 7 month EA/PA (became "engaged" to OW before he told me he wanted a divorce)
Working on R

Posts: 1499 | Registered: Nov 2010
Member # 16935
Default  Posted: 10:11 AM, April 26th (Friday)

I would laugh too,... hysterically!!!

Posts: 2041 | Registered: Nov 2007
little turtle
Member # 15584
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, April 26th (Friday)

Hmmm... I'm on the other side of this situation. XH always took care of my car for me. I've asked him since the divorce about different car problems that I've had. He's told me that if he wasn't with his girlfriend, he'd do the repairs for me. Instead, he makes sure that I'm not getting ripped off by where ever I take my car for the work to be done. He calls around for part prices, figures out the labor time and lets me know that what the guy is telling me is a fair price, or not. So far, I've gotten lucky.

While it's not "his job" to help me with my car, I'm driving his kids around in my car almost every day. By helping me, he's also helping his kids. If I get ripped off at a garage, that's less money I'll have to provide things for the kids.

Do whatever you're comfortable doing.

Failure is success if we learn from it.

Posts: 4209 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: michigan
Member # 36258
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, April 26th (Friday)

What really strikes me is she had the nerve to ask me, like I am still her friend. What's so funny is that if I fixed the car, how would OM feel? Oh it would be great to see how useless he is. But nah, I don't need to make myself right. I guess her choices and consequences are coming around. I was waiting for it someday. Feels nice that its my turn to feel the sunshine for once!!!

Posts: 342 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: St.Paul Minnesota
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 12:35 PM, April 26th (Friday)

For me, any inclination to help ended at “Fine.” How about, “I’d really appreciate it but understand if you can’t.” Some exes can transition to friends, clearly she isn’t there yet because this exchange is just about what you can do for her, and if you don't jump fast enough she ain't playing.

“Happiness cannot be pursued; it must ensue.” ― Viktor E. Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning

Posts: 3459 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
Member # 36258
Default  Posted: 2:47 PM, April 26th (Friday)

I might be stubborn a little but when she said she wanted to do nothing with me and I should leave her life alone, I might just do that. That was said on Dday.

Posts: 342 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: St.Paul Minnesota
Member # 17460
Default  Posted: 2:57 PM, April 26th (Friday)

Yeah, I stopped being my X's Wikipedia too.

Though I have to say, some of his requests were pretty damn funny!


Fidelity isn't a's a choice.

"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now - always." - Albert Schweitzer
Me: BW - Him: 200+ # tumor removed 7/09
DS - 31 - Yikes!

Posts: 21072 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Been Through Hell...On My Way Back
Member # 34722
Default  Posted: 10:51 PM, April 26th (Friday)

You're a better person than I. I wouldn't have been able to wait until the call had ended before laughing! But, then, he has been known to describe me as a cold bitch....

Finding what life could have been....... Why didn't I see it?

Posts: 2388 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: the Other Side
Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 11:12 PM, April 26th (Friday)

What really strikes me is she had the nerve to ask me, like I am still her friend.

That bugged me too. It bugged me enough that I let her take some bad advice and get her timing belt replaced about 25,000 miles too soon. Sounds like a consequence to me.

Posts: 1736 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Baja Arizona
New Member
Member # 38581
Default  Posted: 8:35 AM, April 27th (Saturday)

Do all WW go to the same class to learn this BS? Why is it they want to remain friends?
I'd laugh my *** off if I were you. And tell her to replace muffler bearing and that will help out the alternator so as not to overload the flux capacitor. hahahahaha

Me: FBH 42
DS 17
DD 14
Dday 9-10-11 @ 2:08am
Divorced 9-27-12

Posts: 33 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: KS
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 9:46 AM, April 27th (Saturday)

Good for you. Keep laughing. This comes under the category of "not my problem." You aren't friends - she is your lying, cheating, nasty X. I don't know why but it always amazes me when they expect you to drop everything for them after what they have done. Dumbasses.

"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good."

Posts: 5297 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
Member # 37946
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, April 27th (Saturday)

I can't get over the nerve of some people. That she would even ask you!! Ridiculous. My x is a cheating ass, but he at least has the decency to not ask me to help him with personal issues. Help with kids? Sure, no problem. I'm there. Help him with his taxes or truck or whatever else? No way. Good for you on sticking to your guns. She can get her own car fixed.

Me (BS)- 36
Just keep swimming, just keep swimming- Dorie

Posts: 293 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Southeastern U.S.
Member # 36258
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, April 27th (Saturday)

he has been known to describe me as a cold bitch

Ahahahahahahaha!! That was funny!

Posts: 342 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: St.Paul Minnesota
Member # 36258
Default  Posted: 12:47 PM, April 27th (Saturday)

And tell her to replace muffler bearing and that will help out the alternator so as not to overload the flux capacitor. hahahahaha


Posts: 342 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: St.Paul Minnesota
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 1:03 PM, April 27th (Saturday)

I would have told her that she fired you from that job. And then I would laugh.

BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson

Posts: 9801 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Topic Posts: 23