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Just Found Out
User Topic: My story
LearningToFly
Member
Member # 39073
Default  Posted: 11:40 PM, April 25th (Thursday)

Our family has gone through a lot in the past 5 years. We have had one devastating thing after another happen. Dh has been emotionally stunted through most of our marriage. He is a "happy-go-lucky" guy so difficult times are ignored so he can be positive. However, these difficult times have been too hard to just ignore.

An old girlfriend connected with him on facebook and over the past year and a half they have built a strong "love" relationship. He and she both say they love like they have never knew existed.

We have been married for 28 years and it has been a difficult marriage for me because my husband is very independent. I come way down on his priority list. I let that go on for at least 20 years. I don't want to be an afterthough anymore. He says I don't communicate well and I say I communicate the best I can, he just doesn't like what I have to say.

Anyway, his girlfriend praises him up and down and thinks he is god himself. I have been literally trying to keep our kids alive while he has been off in affair-land. I understand his need for praise and appreciation. What I don't understand is his complete disregard for all I have been trying to do to take care of our kids and deal with the deaths of three of my closest family members in just 2 and a half years. i know I am not the attentive wife right now. I still don't think it was fair for him to run after the first person to tell him how wonderful he was. She is not living my life or with him.

Anyway, he says he wants to try this time. He has said that a lot, even while planning to meet with her days later, even while writing her love notes and poems, even while hiding everything from me. Its hard to believe him right now.

I think he believes that he wants to work on us. I am just not sure if he will be willing to continue if the results are not instant.


Me - BS (53) Him-WS(58)
Her OW(55) HighSchoolGirlfriend
Together 30 years Married 28 Kids 24,21,18
D day Feb 26 2013 after 20 months
D day March 4 they met again "to say goodbye"
D day April 2 found out about secret email

Posts: 179 | Registered: Apr 2013
summerain
Member
Member # 37439
Default  Posted: 11:42 PM, April 25th (Thursday)

Sorry how long has this affair been going on for? and when did you first find out?


OW1 inadvertently let me know WH loves English breakfast tea. Never ever saw him drink it. And I never will.

Posts: 818 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Australia
summerain
Member
Member # 37439
Default  Posted: 11:51 PM, April 25th (Thursday)

Okay I found some articles for you. The first one is called a no contact agreement, I recommend you get him to write it, you review it and then it is sent off.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/confrontation/no_contact.asp

Secondly is does she have a BS? If there is you should tell him

See if you can print this off and give it to him:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/reconciliation/reconcile_musts.asp


Regret vs remorse

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/reconciliation/guilt.asp

hopefully someone can come along and give you the link to the 180 as well.

Finally 'out' the affair to everyone you know. Many may disagree but my personal experience: I confronted the OWs over and over (even when he cut it straight off when discovered) when they attempted contact.

I am so sorry this is happening to you.


OW1 inadvertently let me know WH loves English breakfast tea. Never ever saw him drink it. And I never will.

Posts: 818 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Australia
LearningToFly
Member
Member # 39073
Default  Posted: 12:07 AM, April 26th (Friday)

From what I can piece together, they started communicating in June of 2011. H e went to see her under the pretension of spending time with our son in July of 2012. The affair exploded after that.

I found out in February when he wouldn't stop talking about how he had made a mistake and didn't understand what love was when we got married. (28 years before) He was saying he thought we might need to separate so we didn't spend anymore years together being miserable. I did some research and found that many men say stuff like this when they are involved with someone else. I asked him and he told me he was friends with someone going through a hard time. They encouraged each other. I reminded him that our lives were difficult at the moment and his wife was going through a hard time and needed his encouragement. He said he stopped the relationship.

His secretive behavior didn't change so after two weeks I asked for his email password and found out they were still writing. I told him he needed to stop if he was serious about working on us. He wrote her a quick hesitant email.

I didn't see anything else for two weeks then he sent something to a different account. I was able to read what he sent. It was a love poem about how she was his soul mate and how sad that they couldn't be together because they were both married. I was devastated. I insisted on the password to that account. He lied and said he deleted it. I didn't believe him and he ended up giving it to me.

I learned that they were VERY emotionally involved and had actually met up again after he told me it was over. This was supposedly to say goodbye. They were still writing fake emails to each other on the account he gave me first. On the other account, they were expressing their true feelings. It hurts so much to know that my husband would go that far to deceive me.

I don't think he sees what he did. She is still writing to the account to contact him. I changed the password so he cant see it.

He says he wants to make things work with us. I don't want a divorce. I also feel so disrespectful to myself for allowing him to treat me this way. My daughters love him very much but they also think I am so stupid for staying. I don't know what to do.


Me - BS (53) Him-WS(58)
Her OW(55) HighSchoolGirlfriend
Together 30 years Married 28 Kids 24,21,18
D day Feb 26 2013 after 20 months
D day March 4 they met again "to say goodbye"
D day April 2 found out about secret email

Posts: 179 | Registered: Apr 2013
betrayed5years
Member
Member # 37146
Default  Posted: 12:08 AM, April 26th (Friday)

Dear LearningToFly...Sorry, so very sorry. Don't beat yourself up for what you think he wants/needs that is not why affairs happen. I am 8 months from the discovery day with a spouse of 41 years and he was in 5 year affair. lauren123 is right on with letter of no contact to stop the affair and start a recovery process. Are you in marriage counseling? Have you seen a lawyer? I did both early on to know my state laws and rights...the lawyer visit scared my wayward spouse more than any words. He knew I meant business. I did contact the other women's spouse (both of whom were friends and still are neighbors) which caused other woman to get off her "what happen would be a whisper in the next room in a few months"

I did not do all the 180 stuff as I had not found this website until 3 months later but purchase 3 books and 2 I recommend though are not finished with either...but they kept me sane early on. One is "Not just friend" by Shirley Glass and the other "Getting Past the Affair" which is a chapter to chapter process spouse and I are reading and doing the exercises....and it has been good.

Lots of hugs, concern for you and your kids, and know this is a good place to share, rant and get feedback!! Take care of yourself!


Posts: 102 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Somewhere in USA
LearningToFly
Member
Member # 39073
Default  Posted: 12:09 AM, April 26th (Friday)

Thank-you for those links. I will check them out.


Me - BS (53) Him-WS(58)
Her OW(55) HighSchoolGirlfriend
Together 30 years Married 28 Kids 24,21,18
D day Feb 26 2013 after 20 months
D day March 4 they met again "to say goodbye"
D day April 2 found out about secret email

Posts: 179 | Registered: Apr 2013
summerain
Member
Member # 37439
Default  Posted: 12:32 AM, April 26th (Friday)

Okay I found the 180, this is actually a really good explanation of it:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=232785

Secondly, I'm hoping considering the nature of everything it's okay to give you a couple of tips (ETA: I mean investigative tips)

Can you download a couple of key loggers?

Does he have an Iphone?

If he has an Iphone I have a really cool trick. however you need an Ipad to pull it off sneakily.

Third. Get your bitch boots on! How dare he have the audacity to treat you like this?

Why do you want to stay with him? Is it love, family, financial.. etc?

Who knows about the affair, what is your support network like?

[This message edited by lauren123 at 12:34 AM, April 26th (Friday)]


OW1 inadvertently let me know WH loves English breakfast tea. Never ever saw him drink it. And I never will.

Posts: 818 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Australia
Lucky
Member
Member # 6864
Default  Posted: 12:45 AM, April 26th (Friday)

i know I am not the attentive wife right now. I still don't think it was fair for him to run after the first person to tell him how wonderful he was.

You KNOW this isn't really about you, right? You could have made his lunch, cooked dinner, rubbed his back, massaged and kissed his feet and he still would have gone off into an affair - for whatever reason. His coping mechanisms suck, clearly.

.

Anyway, he says he wants to try this time. He has said that a lot, even while planning to meet with her days later, even while writing her love notes and poems, even while hiding everything from me. Its hard to believe him right now.

And honestly - you shouldn't. He hasn't stopped the affair and from what you write, he doesn't have any plans to.


.

I think he believes that he wants to work on us. I am just not sure if he will be willing to continue if the results are not instant.

UHHMMMM... yes, he has to work on you two & results will NOT be instant. Affairs take two to three years, and sometimes longer, to recover from.

Have you read anything in the Healing Library? There is so much fantastic information for both BS and WS. It wouldn't hurt to print some articles out and have him read them.

Until he ends contact forever and absolutely - you don't have a chance in hell, he's decided long ago that he can walk on you and will do so if he thinks he can continue the affair - after all, he's a god right?


♥ WINE - the other fruit juice! ♥


Posts: 36162 | Registered: Apr 2005
Lucky
Member
Member # 6864
Default  Posted: 12:48 AM, April 26th (Friday)

Lauren, members aren't supposed to share I-tips, there is a reason that forum is locked until after 51 legitimate posts.


♥ WINE - the other fruit juice! ♥


Posts: 36162 | Registered: Apr 2005
LearningToFly
Member
Member # 39073
Default  Posted: 1:13 AM, April 26th (Friday)

He doesn't have an Iphone and I know he hasn't contacted her with our phones. He has a work computer which is what he has used to contact her. I don't think he is contacting her right now. I know she is trying to contact him but he doesn't have the password to the account. He could contact her on facebook but I don't see evidence of that at this time. She is still his "friend" there.

When I married my husband, I loved him with all my heart. I have given him all of me. My life has been built on the belief that we would always be together. I stayed home to mother the kids and work part-time now. I am financially dependent on him. All our financial plans were based on staying together when he reached retirement which will be in 5 years.

I still love him though I don't know why. He is a very nice guy and works hard in a nurturing profession. I am proud of what he does. I enjoy watching him interact with others. He loves our kids and makes them laugh. He does lots of nice things for me, opening the car door, bringing me a candy bar, helping around the house.

He isn't there for me emotionally. I am very emotional. I think I scare him. The kids have said "Dad only does happy".

I lost my sister to cancer and my brother and 17 y/o nephew to a drunk driver in the past 2 years. I am still grieving their deaths. Our kids were on track to healthy productive lives until 3 years ago when they all got into drugs and drinking.My oldest daughter was in a bicycle accident two years ago and is now disabled. My son is in and out of juvenile hall because of drugs. My other daughter is drinking a lot to numb her pain. I have been focused on doing everything I can to get them help. I keep being told to take care of myself but I really don't know how. I feel like I have to save my kids first.

It really hurts to know that my husband would add this new level of pain to what our family has already been going through. I understand that he has been hurting too but couldn't he have dealt with it in a less damaging way?

We have been in marriage counseling off and on for five years. Dh goes willingly but doesn't follow through. He had been going to our counselor by himself for the past 7 months. His affair was raging and he never mentioned it to the counselor.

I went to hospice and now to a individual therapist. I talk mostly about what to do to help my kids. I know I need to work on me. Its so hard when I feel so strongly that I have to save them.

We went together to marriage counseling this week. My husband apologized to the counselor for not telling him about the affair. I was thinking why are you apologizing to him? You should be sorry about it because of what you did to me and to us!

The counselor told him to write a letter. It sounds like the same kind of letter as the NC. He hasn't done it yet.

My husband was very protective of the girlfriend. I said I wanted to tell her husband. (I don't know either of them.) My husband says he might get violent and I shouldn't. She said the same thing when she wrote to him in the last email.

Everything is so raw right now. I want it to all go away but I know it won't. Finding out about this feels the same as the phone call from my dad about my brother and nephew when they were killed by the drunk driver.

[This message edited by LearningToFly at 2:03 AM, April 26th (Friday)]


Me - BS (53) Him-WS(58)
Her OW(55) HighSchoolGirlfriend
Together 30 years Married 28 Kids 24,21,18
D day Feb 26 2013 after 20 months
D day March 4 they met again "to say goodbye"
D day April 2 found out about secret email

Posts: 179 | Registered: Apr 2013
momentintime
Member
Member # 16394
Default  Posted: 1:23 AM, April 26th (Friday)

Has her BS been told of the A. Out it ASAP.

Ask him where your support is? Why isn't he giving you praise for all you have done for the family. Instead he sucks up her ego stroking and blames you for his being unhappy. Stay strong, even if inside you are falling apart. As long as he thinks you will tolerate his lies and secret behavior he has no reason to change. Shock him with your strength. Show him you can move on without him. Let him see you pulling away and that you won't be plan B for anyone. Right now he thinks he makes all the decisions and you will live with them. Wrong. You decide what your life will look like.

Tell him, if he wants her, go, get the hell out of your house. (bet MOW won't be happy with having to choose her spouse or your WS). Force the decisions on them.


BS-me FWS - him
D-day 8/04
R'd

"Global editing disclaimer - I edit almost everything I post, and I am not going to post why every time."...re: Bionical girl


Posts: 2899 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: New York
summerain
Member
Member # 37439
Default  Posted: 1:24 AM, April 26th (Friday)

Okay they always pull the 'my husband is violent', if she was that scared she wouldn't do it in the first place.

Tell the husband, expose it all. They don't want you to tell because you know it will all be exposed. He hasn't done the letter yet?

Sit him down and be assertive,

state "You have agreed to end this affair so you need to write a no contact letter for me to review within 20 mins" -seems scary I know

He argues?

"If you do not send this NC letter I will tell the husband about the affair"


Then tell the husband anyway.

I'm not even go into the whole 'nice guy', he

a) doesn't help you with the kids
b) has an affair

I don't know what time it is over there, but get on the phone and book a lawyer's appointment, you may be suprised at what you can get.

I know it seems harsh, but do all these things today so that you don't get worried and put it off. I will find a really really good post for you and copy it, someone that was in a similar situation as you

What do you think?


OW1 inadvertently let me know WH loves English breakfast tea. Never ever saw him drink it. And I never will.

Posts: 818 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Australia
Lucky
Member
Member # 6864
Default  Posted: 1:29 AM, April 26th (Friday)


OH. MY. GOD.

Honey the stuff you've been dealt with

Has it occured to you that maybe being away from your H might actually help you?


♥ WINE - the other fruit juice! ♥


Posts: 36162 | Registered: Apr 2005
Lucky
Member
Member # 6864
Default  Posted: 1:31 AM, April 26th (Friday)


Okay they always pull the 'my husband is violent', if she was that scared she wouldn't do it in the first place.
Tell the husband, expose it all. They don't want you to tell because you know it will all be exposed.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Ditto THAT! I sure heard it as have countless others here, most often it's a huge lie.

[This message edited by Lucky at 1:33 AM, April 26th (Friday)]


♥ WINE - the other fruit juice! ♥


Posts: 36162 | Registered: Apr 2005
summerain
Member
Member # 37439
Default  Posted: 1:39 AM, April 26th (Friday)

I'm posting this as a consideration for you as it may show that all is not loss even in divorce. I am not telling you to divorce at all but I think you may find it inspiring in reconcilliation or divorce

canigetoverthis ... from the D/S forum

I've been divorced for a little over a year, after a long separation following my XH's last affair. (His 8th). I remember so well all the times I was a puddle on the floor, unable to move from the fetal position, scared out of my mind, a SAHM to 4 kids who hadn't been in the workforce in a very long time. Hindsight being what it is, healing and moving forward giving me clarity, and realizing I survived what I thought I never could, I have some insight I'd like to share. I hope it helps any of you that are where I was.
Over the 23 years he cheated, lied, gaslighted, got violent when confronted with his F*ups, etc., the main question I asked myself was 'WHY?' As I have lurked here for well over a year, (might even be 2, I can't remember - I was too embarrassed to post), I have read over and over the question of why. It seems that final closure can't come until we understand the why of it.

What I finally realized was there could be a myriad of 'reasons' that the WS may give, none of which have a whit to do with the BS, the state of the marriage, the economy, or the price of wheat in China. When you boil it down, the answer to the question of why is BECAUSE THEY WANTED TO. Think about that. They wouldn't have done it if they hadn't have wanted to. All that is involved in carrying on an affair, conscious choices, conscious lies, consciously betraying their spouses and loved ones ALL boils down to BECAUSE THEY WANTED TO. Once I realized that and let it really sink in, I didn't need any other answers. Any other answers are smoke and mirrors, excuses, etc. They WANTED to do it, they believed they were so special that they wouldn't get caught, and rationalized to themselves all the 'reasons why' they should be able to do what THEY WANTED TO DO.

I also learned how to be an excellent investigator. I caught my XWS in his last affair by hacking into his OW's own cell phone account, because he was calling her from payphones as he drove cross country for his trucking job. I was able to match the calls she received from truck stop payphones to when he was in that particular town. I spent hours and loads of energy investigating because I felt I just HAD to have undeniable proof in order to leave. The truth was, I didn't need that at all. All I needed to know was right in front of my face. He wasn't treating me with respect, dignity, or even an ounce of compassion. I was worth so much more than his treatment of me. The investigating drove me crazy - those heart racing, can't see, can't breathe moments when you discover something else. He was still going to do what he wanted to do regardless of what I found out or not. He would either want to be a good husband and human being and reconcile our marriage and family or he wouldn't. I didn't need the undeniable proof of his cheating to know that he was a piss poor husband and it didn't matter who he 'used' to be, it was who he was choosing to be NOW that mattered to my life right then. Once I put more energy into owning and celebrating my own worth, instead of fighting for somebody who didn't deserve it, who didn't deserve me, only then was I able to realize that I didn't need to prove anything other than what he had already willingly shown me.

So, I was married to an ass who cheated because he WANTED to, who lied because he WANTED to, who did all the rat bastard things he did all because he wanted to, and I realized that he didn't deserve me. He didn't get to have me. He didn't get to suck up anymore of my precious energy. I stepped off the crazy train and said no more.

Now, I'd decided that I deserved so much better than he could give me with who he was choosing to be, but had no idea what to do regarding supporting my kids. It took me 18 months to get my ducks in a row, while he knew nothing of it. Whenever I did grocery shopping, I bought 2 of many of the items, and took $20 cash back off my debit card. I joined sites like pinching your pennies and used coupons and pocketed the savings. Anything extra, birthday gift money, etc., I pocketed. I paid utilities ahead, starting with $10 a month and moving up from there as I could. Since the man didn't open a bill, it was easy. I went back to school to do something that I love, under the guise that 'he worked too hard and I wanted to bring in some money so HE could enjoy himself. Luckily, the man isn't Einstein. I got into IC, under the guise of learning how to make things 'easier' for him, when in reality it was to heal, and learn the strength to take up for myself and my children. Of course, he paid for that. Two months after I graduated from my school program, I had him served when he wasn't expecting it.

I'm not saying this to toot my own horn, but rather to point out that when we empower ourselves, no matter our situation, we find our way out. It might take baby steps, but step by step you will get there. You become a good little actress, and do what you need to do for YOU. Did I feel guilty for the subterfuge? At times yes, but then I reminded myself that I was doing what I had to do to protect myself and my children and I kept moving forward.

You are worth so much, and your worth is NOT determined by what your WS, their family, or 'friends' that run from you think or say. It's inside of you and even if you can't find it, it hasn't left you. When you let that knowledge flood over you, you will find an inner strength that will amaze you. You become a warrior, but instead of fighting the losing battle of having a very damaged, broken, and selfish person validate you, you warrior through to validate yourself, to be there for yourself and your children. Unlike the anger that comes and goes and gives strength when it comes, this inner knowledge is different. It is steady because you KNOW you have value, you KNOW you didn't deserve what happened, but in spite of what has happened, you can always count on YOU. You have to be your own hero. Your WS isn't going to be or they would have by now. Trust yourself. Your self-esteem may be shaken or shattered, but YOU are still in there, waiting for you.

I can't think of a better person that deserves the beautiful YOU than YOU, can you?

I've lurked for so long that I feel as if I know each of you, even though you don't know me. I was just too embarrassed to post and to have to write it all down.. I mean.. 23 years of being cheated on with 8 affairs that I have proof of, who knows really how many there were. Thank you for the strength you gave me when you didn't even know I was here. I hope this post doesn't offend anybody. My intention is to give back what I received each time I needed help by you and received it.
Peace.

[This message edited by lauren123 at 1:44 AM, April 26th (Friday)]


OW1 inadvertently let me know WH loves English breakfast tea. Never ever saw him drink it. And I never will.

Posts: 818 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Australia
LearningToFly
Member
Member # 39073
Default  Posted: 1:52 AM, April 26th (Friday)

My husband does help with the kids but he is like a frightened little boy much of the time. He doesn't like conflict so I am the one who has to be the bad cop. Its hard because I am soooooo stressed out over the stuff going on in our home. I am worried about the future of my kids. I am learning that they have a mind of their own and I can't control them. I have now learned the same about my husband.

I don't believe he was trying to hurt me. I believe he has a giant hole that needs to be filled with praise and admiration. He says he really likes who he is but he can't deal with anything I say that threatens his view of himself. He truly is like a small child.

He lies because he doesn't want people to think bad of him. He sneaks around because he doesn't want to be stopped from doing what he wants. He tries to be nice to everyone but that usually means that when he has to choose, he breaks his word to me instead of standing by it.

I keep hoping he will grow up and we can be all that we were meant to be. Maybe I am just crazy.

I haven't gone to a lawyer yet. I have been thinking about it. It just seems like such a drastic step and I also don't know who to go to. I don't have any divorced friends. If I go, I think my husband will go into self protection mode and he has more contacts to get a good lawyer. I have to be very careful. At this point I haven't given up on the marriage.

My husband didn't cause all the bad things that have happened in our lives EXCEPT for this one.


Me - BS (53) Him-WS(58)
Her OW(55) HighSchoolGirlfriend
Together 30 years Married 28 Kids 24,21,18
D day Feb 26 2013 after 20 months
D day March 4 they met again "to say goodbye"
D day April 2 found out about secret email

Posts: 179 | Registered: Apr 2013
LearningToFly
Member
Member # 39073
Default  Posted: 1:59 AM, April 26th (Friday)

Thank-you Lauren for that post. I want to be strong and feel like I can make it on my own. Even if we stay together, which is what I want - though I feel stupid for wanting it, I want to feel like I don't need him. I want to feel like I have a life beyond him. I am not there yet but I want to be.


Me - BS (53) Him-WS(58)
Her OW(55) HighSchoolGirlfriend
Together 30 years Married 28 Kids 24,21,18
D day Feb 26 2013 after 20 months
D day March 4 they met again "to say goodbye"
D day April 2 found out about secret email

Posts: 179 | Registered: Apr 2013
summerain
Member
Member # 37439
Default  Posted: 1:59 AM, April 26th (Friday)

I know going to a lawyer is a drastic step but if he does have good contacts you probably want to get prepped now. You don't know he may not decide to run off with OW?

You don't need to tell him, I think on your side of the world you can get free consultations. You say you haven't given up on the marriage which is great but instead of working hard i.e MC etc

work smart

The best thing!!!!! is to tell the OW husband. Maybe anonymously is the best way?


OW1 inadvertently let me know WH loves English breakfast tea. Never ever saw him drink it. And I never will.

Posts: 818 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Australia
LearningToFly
Member
Member # 39073
Default  Posted: 2:06 AM, April 26th (Friday)

Lauren, I like that ... "Work smart." I will need to check into a lawyer so at least I know. I am a prepare kind of person usually. It just makes this more real and that makes me feel so scared. I am going to bed now. Its after midnight here in the US. Have a wonderful day in Australia.

[This message edited by LearningToFly at 8:35 AM, April 26th (Friday)]


Me - BS (53) Him-WS(58)
Her OW(55) HighSchoolGirlfriend
Together 30 years Married 28 Kids 24,21,18
D day Feb 26 2013 after 20 months
D day March 4 they met again "to say goodbye"
D day April 2 found out about secret email

Posts: 179 | Registered: Apr 2013
summerain
Member
Member # 37439
Default  Posted: 2:09 AM, April 26th (Friday)

try and have a good sleep


OW1 inadvertently let me know WH loves English breakfast tea. Never ever saw him drink it. And I never will.

Posts: 818 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Australia
RedWheelBarrow
Member
Member # 38966
Default  Posted: 4:08 AM, April 26th (Friday)

Your WH sounds a lot like mine. Sorry. Friendly people pleaser, yes? My WH is also "soul mates" with his AP, who he is now living with.This is because of the praise. He loves it, just eats it up. Such babies, these guys.
I have gone NC on him, and he is finally acting remorseful, according to friends who have seen him weeping.
Can you order him out, and cut off contact for a while? Tell him if he's serious about R then he needs to go straight to IC, write the NC letter to AP.
So sorry you're going through this. It sucks.
(((hugs)))


Me: BW 50
Him:Rockstar late 50's
DS: 10 , so precious.
Married 14 years, together 17 years
DDay #1 Nov.2012, plus more, more, more!
OW : 25 years younger than him, left her BH for my prize beast.
He moved in with her April,2013.
D Filed 4/

Posts: 98 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: NW
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 6:02 AM, April 26th (Friday)

I think he is still in contact with her. I believe the emails she is sending to the account,the one only you have the password to,are fake. He has told her you have the password,so she is still emailing him to make you think they are not in contact. He has told you her BH might get violent..and coincidentally she sends him an email saying the same thing. They're talking.

Tell her husband. You dont need your husband's permission to tell his girlfriend's husband that his wife is cheating on him. The poor man deserves to know,just as you did/do. Do not tell your WH. Just do it. Since she knows you know,she is watching her BH's email and facebook,waiting to intercept anything you send him. Call him. Tell him the truth. If you have evidence..which you do..the emails she has sent to your WH...tell him you will forward everything to his account. Save a copy for yourself.

Im so sorry. You have been through more than enough. Your WH is NOT a nice man. A nice man doesn't do this to his wife when she is in a crisis. A good father doesn't destroy his children's mother.


(((LearningToFly))))


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7116 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
LearningToFly
Member
Member # 39073
Default  Posted: 11:06 PM, April 26th (Friday)

When we went to counseling Tuesday, he was told to write her a letter to end it. We were arguing today and I asked if he had written it. He said he was too busy but he would soon. I told him that knowing how much this has hurt me and telling me that he was going to try to save our marriage should have lead him to write the letter that night. He got mad. He says a lot of words but his actions don't match.

He brought me a letter. It said. . .

"Returning your gifts. I'm working on my marriage. No more contacts."

Is this enough? I didn't think so. I told him that he should tell her that what they did was wrong. He wrote

"I'm returning your gifts. What we did has hurt my marriage: I need to give my all to it. There should be no more contact."

I am still not satisfied. Am I being to picky? What do you think? Does he sound sincere. I don't think he is. He told her many times that he wanted to feel like he gave his all to the marriage before divorcing me and being fully with her. It sounds to me like he is still saying that to her. Am I paranoid?


Me - BS (53) Him-WS(58)
Her OW(55) HighSchoolGirlfriend
Together 30 years Married 28 Kids 24,21,18
D day Feb 26 2013 after 20 months
D day March 4 they met again "to say goodbye"
D day April 2 found out about secret email

Posts: 179 | Registered: Apr 2013
summerain
Member
Member # 37439
Default  Posted: 11:42 PM, April 26th (Friday)

"I have realised I have made a terrible choice in having an affair with you. From this point onwards I will have no contact with you. I am in love with my wife and our marriage is now my priority."

Or along the lines of that...

You know why his letter isn't sufficient.


OW1 inadvertently let me know WH loves English breakfast tea. Never ever saw him drink it. And I never will.

Posts: 818 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Australia
LearningToFly
Member
Member # 39073
Default  Posted: 12:31 AM, April 27th (Saturday)

I don't think he could write that he is in love with me. He is really angry that I brought up the letter. I could tell that he didn't want to write it. He didn't write it willingly. Now I wish I had just let it sit until we went to counseling again and he could tell the counselor why he didn't write it.

I feel guilty that I don't think its good enough. It doesn't sound like he means it to me. It will just make him angrier if I ask him to write another. He is already sick of me talking about how he has hurt me with what he did. He says he did it because he wanted validation and acceptance and I didn't give it to him. I am still not giving it to him. He thinks I should just shut up and try to meet his needs. I am trying to be strong so I dont' go back and continue to be treated like an afterthought if anything.


Me - BS (53) Him-WS(58)
Her OW(55) HighSchoolGirlfriend
Together 30 years Married 28 Kids 24,21,18
D day Feb 26 2013 after 20 months
D day March 4 they met again "to say goodbye"
D day April 2 found out about secret email

Posts: 179 | Registered: Apr 2013
betrayed5years
Member
Member # 37146
Default  Posted: 12:42 AM, April 27th (Saturday)

Learningtofly...know you are sleeping. I am just getting back to our house from a movie and it is still evening.

When you go to a lawyer, have your questions with you as, for me, the stress was un-nerving. You need to know what rights you have, as it varies state to state in the US. Not sure of the ages of your kids but the care they need, seems to be of concern too.

Be proactive, if you stay or if you go...what rights, what support for you and your kids, how assets are divided, does your state have a no-fault divorce/separation or not(some do but still have financial penalties when a spouse is or has been in an affair---it was news to me!)

I had lots of questions and it was the best money I spent that I did not have!! Due to our situation, wanted to know about "alienation of affection" laws in our state as I was wanting to lay that on the other woman, but not where I live.

Take some time to think before you go.

About the no contact letter, make sure you "know" it was done...and how. My WS was going to personally deliver it---I said "NO WAY" and it was sent by registered mail.
(When I outed the OW to her spouse, I related about the no contact letter being sent by registered mail)

You do have a whole lot on your plate...grief from many perceptives and family issues. Remember, it is hard to help others until you take care of yourself...even the airline personnel tell us to put our oxygen on first, then help others.

You will survive it, so many wonderful people on this site have and are helping many of us through the healing process or the other options.

I understand about giving "passes" to long term spouses, but an affair does not deserve a "pass". None of us are perfect or without self esteem issues or wanting to look good. Guess the betrayal, deception and lies that an affair involves takes alot out of a person, a marriage, relationships and the people it hurts. My WS admitted when he got out of his fog, that a weight was lifted off his shoulders...but he did nothing to stop it until I and one of our children saw text messages and emails between him and OW. Reality hit him hard and his life was totally out of control.

That was 8 months of hell ago...but we are still together and working toward resolve. Never thought I would get through it, but I have and know I will....the worse pain my soul has ever experienced. YOU will make it through to whatever you decide....do take care of yourself, please!

Lots of hugs


Posts: 102 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Somewhere in USA
summerain
Member
Member # 37439
Default  Posted: 12:58 AM, April 27th (Saturday)

LTF

"You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink". Don't try and nice him, he's no prize. Needs etc.. Is he meeting yours?

Anyway, if he doesn't love you, it demonstrates he doesn't know a corked wine (ow) to a classic (you).

I hope you are thinking about a lawyer.

He acts like a child? Ignore him
Play smart not hard.

Good luck

[This message edited by lauren123 at 1:00 AM, April 27th (Saturday)]


OW1 inadvertently let me know WH loves English breakfast tea. Never ever saw him drink it. And I never will.

Posts: 818 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Australia
Diva0702
Member
Member # 32309
Default  Posted: 2:32 AM, April 27th (Saturday)

He needs to grow a pair. Simple.

This:

On dday, FWH called OW and left this message on her answer machine: "Diva knows everything. I am not coming back. I am staying in Devon with my wife. I will continue to pay you the money (long story) as agreed". and put the phone down.

He gets a call from a chum he's made in his other life with the f***pig. The caller says, "You will probably get a call from f***pig, will you take it?" FWH says, "No, I can't"

These are NOT the words of a man who is intent on severing the A completely are they? In my case, H didn't want the Cee U Next Tuesday that he had been screwing to think that that is exactly what he was!

I had to suffer another 5 months of his 'talk without action' as she contacted him every month through even his new changed email, to say 'thankyou for the money' as he paid her every month.

I finally gave him the choice, loan to pay the bitch off, solicitor to send a NC letter or I would be using that solicitor myself in D proceedings. THAT changed the tune a little bit!

H looks back now and says he was definately caught in the headlights of discovery and couldn't see. Tough. Now he does.

A NC letter is ESSENTIAL to any possibility of R in my opinion, and should be written in the presence of the spouse according to the criteria the spouse sets out.

Your H is still full of himself.


Me: BW 53
Him: FWH 47
4 wonderful grown children
2 beautiful grandchildren
Married 20 years
Together 23 years
Dday March 10 2010. 4 yr A.
Me: RGN(ret), N.Dip.,BA(Psych),MA (Psych),BA Music.
OW: 55 year old taxi driver

Posts: 333 | Registered: May 2011 | From: UK
Mack9512
Member
Member # 38619
Default  Posted: 6:22 AM, April 27th (Saturday)

(((LTF)))

Your story is very similar to mine. My WH saw himself as 'Mr. Happy-Go-Lucky' and a knight in shining armor and I was reserved, depressed and hard to talk, yet too independent. We also went thru 5 years of trauma; both of my parents died, his step-mother died, BIL had cancer, etc...
My WH hooked up with a woman (married with 3 kids under the age of 10) from college in mid-August last year. By the beginning of September he wanted a divorce. (Literally was willing to leave his family within 3 weeks from their first phone call). We tried consulting, we tried HB, we tried a trial separation but the fog of the A was thick and addictive. (They both said that what they were feeling was 'more than love' or MTL and she needed my WH to rescue her from her abusive BH.) The A went underground with secret emails, throw-away phones and clandestine meetings.

At first I lost myself. I couldn't work, I never laughed...I was barely a functioning human. I spent days trying to figure out what I did or didn't do to make the man I loved turn to someone else. I was the poster child for the infidelity diet, losing 48 lbs in 6 weeks. I eventually got myself together enough to see a lawyer and do other things for the D that I was sure was in my future.
It took a long time for the haze of the greatest pain I have ever felt to lift, but it happened...slowly, but it also made me stronger than I've ever been. I've been thru 5 false attempts at R because I wanted my family back. After the last false R I was ready to let my marriage go. Not my family but my marriage. For me the old saying "if you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was meant to be' worked. The second my WH realized that I was truly DONE his A fog burned off quickly.

My suggestion to you is to sit back and take some deep breaths, then start the process of making yourself stronger. Keep eating, keep getting fluids into you. Go for walks. Hang out with your kids and with people that will support 'you'. Do as much as possible to make yourself feel better, and more importantly..SAFE.
The best advice I got after the initial DDay was to not make any important decisions for at least 6 months. That advice saved me from having knee-jerk reactions to some stupid shit.

Take care and keep on posting. PM if you ever just need to talk.

Mack


"If you're brave enough to say goodbye, life will reward you with a new hello." - Paulo Coehlo

Posts: 374 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: East Coast
Safeguard
Member
Member # 38899
Default  Posted: 7:17 AM, April 27th (Saturday)

I agree that letter to OW is underwhelming. I'm so sorry. He doesn't seem like he even wants to send a NC letter at all. Why would he be angry about you requesting he let OW know he loves you, and regrets hurting you?

Great post from Mack, solid advice,concisely written!


"since your actions don't match your words, excuse me while I stop believing you."

Posts: 143 | Registered: Apr 2013
LearningToFly
Member
Member # 39073
Default  Posted: 10:16 AM, April 27th (Saturday)

He keeps saying that my words devastate him. He agrees with what I say but he says my way of communication isn't okay. I am trying my best.

I think he is trying his best too. I think his best is that of a spoiled child. He wants to be able to do whatever he wants and not have to be responsible for it.

He says he is hurting too so he can't be there for me. That has been the story of our lives together. He takes care of himself and asks me to take care of myself and him too.


Me - BS (53) Him-WS(58)
Her OW(55) HighSchoolGirlfriend
Together 30 years Married 28 Kids 24,21,18
D day Feb 26 2013 after 20 months
D day March 4 they met again "to say goodbye"
D day April 2 found out about secret email

Posts: 179 | Registered: Apr 2013
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, April 27th (Saturday)

Having an affair is selfish,and he is still being selfish and wayward in his thinking.

Find your bitch boots and 180 his ass.


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7116 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Sal1995
Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 10:30 AM, April 27th (Saturday)

Hang in there Learning, and don't be deterred by the OW's "abusive husband" garbage. I found an email from my WW's OM that suggested he was concerned for her safety. It's nonsense, I've never raised a hand to my wife in 17 years of marriage. But idealizing the BS isn't really how things go in an affair, otherwise they'd be even harder to justify. Thank God my WW has seen the light and is working on our marriage. But the OW's BS deserves to know, period. Sorry you are going through this nightmare. Best wishes.


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciling


Posts: 1323 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
betrayed5years
Member
Member # 37146
Default  Posted: 9:59 PM, April 27th (Saturday)

Learningtofly

Many of us have heard the story of abusive spouse...no different here. There is where part of the inappropriate relationship began and continued. When I told OW's spouse, I thought long and hard wheither her spouse would kill my WS or his....everyone is still living. My WS nows understands that was part of the seduction....and the 5 year EA to be there for her, listen, support and on and on. He doubts all of it now...

Abuse happens, but it is used to gets one's attention, male or female. Don't feel responsible for the OW or your WS. My WS understand my anger, hurt feelings, betrayal was caused by his actions/or lack of...only because of my love for him. He is trying to make up for what he did or did not do for 5 years of our marriage.

One smart person on this website told me earlier on that I needed to decide if my spouse was a "good" person, who I wanted to be with....then to decide about our marriage. I would not have stayed (and continue to stay) if it was not a marriage worth saving. I am a person (64 years old) who believes every day is precious...I would not waste my time, my love, my being on a man that did not want to be in a marriage for us. I have to live with myself first....respect myself before I can expect others too.

I grew up in a family that there was no love, I wanted better for myself, children and spouse. Our children are grown but they know of the affair....and it has been hard on them. I wish I could have spared them the hurt....that is on their father and he is working on repairs there too.

I feel for you... you have so much to deal with. Are the kids in counseling?

Please take care of yourself!!


Posts: 102 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Somewhere in USA
LearningToFly
Member
Member # 39073
Default  Posted: 1:24 AM, April 28th (Sunday)

I am trying to figure out if my husband is a good man. I have always believed that he was. He likes to make people happy, he really loves our kids, he works in a nurturing profession. But, how could he be so cold to me. Why wasn't he willing to learn to listen instead of complaining about the way I communicated. Why was he so dishonest? How could he sneak behind my back while I was fighting so hard to save our family?

I went out with a friend who has known us for a long time. She said we have both been unhappy for a long time. Before the kids went crazy, before the family members were killed, before our daughter was disabled. These things have lasted a long time and with the unhappiness before, he is tired. She said I just need to forgive him and move on from here. I want to but I don't think it will make a difference. I think he still wants to be with her.


Me - BS (53) Him-WS(58)
Her OW(55) HighSchoolGirlfriend
Together 30 years Married 28 Kids 24,21,18
D day Feb 26 2013 after 20 months
D day March 4 they met again "to say goodbye"
D day April 2 found out about secret email

Posts: 179 | Registered: Apr 2013
Safeguard
Member
Member # 38899
Default  Posted: 3:47 AM, April 28th (Sunday)

Yeah what is it about waywards using the Abusive Spouse lie? I can't believe how many of them use that! I spoke to ow once, (on the phone), and I remember asking her, if she was Xwbf loved her so much, why did he immediately throw her under the bus? She said He told her I was, "screaming and smashing things in the house, so he HAD to give me her name!

Ummm. No? In truth I just said you have about two seconds to live here, unless you tell me who it is. He gave me her name instantly.

They use that Abuse Excuse for everything apparently.

Learning2fly, If this out of character for your WH. But his core values are the same as yours, then maybe you could R. But your right, he would need to want that. I am sorry for the huge troubles your family has had to deal with. It does seem like there is a lot of love you two have shared. Certainly worth fighting for imo. If you feel he's someone you can respect and rebuild with.

[This message edited by Safeguard at 3:57 AM, April 28th (Sunday)]


"since your actions don't match your words, excuse me while I stop believing you."

Posts: 143 | Registered: Apr 2013
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 5:56 AM, April 28th (Sunday)

Your friend meant well,but clearly she has never dealt with this.

Infidelity..a betrayal of this magnitude, is not something you just get over and move on from.


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7116 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
LearningToFly
Member
Member # 39073
Default  Posted: 2:53 AM, April 29th (Monday)

My husband seems to think that I should be focusing on taking care of him because he is hurting too. He doesn't want to hear about my feelings because he feels like he doesn't have a voice.

Since my friend's husband is my husbands best friend, I am afraid that he will not be held accountable to think beyond himself and work to reassure me that he wants to work through this. I would imagine that her husband also thinks that I should just forgive and move on. I can forgive but I want change. I want my husband to value, respect, and care about me. He isn't going to do that without some accountability for how he has treated me.


Me - BS (53) Him-WS(58)
Her OW(55) HighSchoolGirlfriend
Together 30 years Married 28 Kids 24,21,18
D day Feb 26 2013 after 20 months
D day March 4 they met again "to say goodbye"
D day April 2 found out about secret email

Posts: 179 | Registered: Apr 2013
crazycatlady
Member
Member # 12849
Default  Posted: 5:28 AM, April 29th (Monday)

When my fwh was pining about how much he was hurting, I blew up and told him it was all about my hurt...fuck him and his whore, they destroyed me and too bad he was hurting because he didn't matter.
Needless to say, he was gobsmacked and ever since then it has always been about me and never him.
Your husband did the deed and now he needs to man up. Start a hard 180 and get busy taking care of you. Good luck.

[This message edited by crazycatlady at 5:29 AM, April 29th (Monday)]


Love all, trust a few. Do wrong to none.
William Shakespeare "All's Well That Ends Well"
D-Day: Nov 30, 2006
"For I have sworn thee fair, and thought thee bright, who art as black as hell, as dark as night."
William Shakespeare

Posts: 1712 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Etherville
Topic Posts: 39