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Just Found Out
User Topic: Completely devastated
savvy
Member
Member # 39102
Default  Posted: 4:17 PM, April 26th (Friday)

Hi
I can't believe this is happening! I have been with my husband for 30 years and just found out he is having an affair. I found them sitting in front of her house in his car talking. This OW is 20 years younger than us and used to work for us. Of course they have do e more than talk, which completely makes me sick. We have had our issues over past few years , my mother with Alzheimer's had to move in with us for a while and I became a bit depressed. Intimacy had become almost nil. I have put on weight and about 8 months ago he told me he wasn't attracted to me anymore and wasn't sure if he wanted to stay married. Well we proceeded to work on our marriage and things did improve. Then a few days ago I found out about this affair. He says he is confused and not sure if he wants to give her up but he isn't ready to commit to a divorce. He won't go for couseling. I gave him an altimatum this morning and told him he needs to either committ to working on us and give her up or file for divorce. I haven't kicked him out yet but I may tonight. Can't get the picture of him and her together out of my mind!!! My self esteem is completely gone.
I don't know what is the right thing to do.
Sorry I'm rambling. Needed to get it out.
We have two beautiful children. 21 and 19


me-BS (49)
him-WH (49)
2 children 21 and 19
Together 30 years
Ow-(30)and she knew me knew he is married.
D-day 1 4/24/2013
D-day 2. 7/9/2013. Day after anniversary
D-day 3. 8/12/13.
Filing for divorce

Posts: 135 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: connecticut
1Faith
Member
Member # 38975
Sad  Posted: 4:32 PM, April 26th (Friday)

Oh Savvy

I am so sorry you found yourself here but please know it is a place of healing and support. When you think no one else can possibly understand, someone here does and will.

First...it's hard but breathe. Just breathe. Your world has just been rocked. You are in shock (rightfully so) and your head is swimming in 1000 directions (all VERY normal).

Please know this has NOTHING to do with you. Regardless of lack of sex, gaining weight, etc. Do not do that to yourself.

When someone has an affair it is not about what they aren't getting it is about what they aren't giving.

He gave time and attention to a LIE. He should of been talking to you.

Your husband made the conscience choice to break his vows and cheat. His choice because of his lack of self control and integrity.

Please go to the library and read the article on the 180. This may be too soon for you to even consider this but at this point your husband needs to decide what he wants. You are his wife not an option.

Is the OW married? If so, do you know the OS?

Hang in there. The ride is long and hard but you will come out the other side. I promise. You will be okay.

Don't worry about long term at this point. Take one day, one hour at a time.

Be kind to yourself.

Sending healthy hugs. Please know you are NOT alone.


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1096 | Registered: Apr 2013
Lucky
Member
Member # 6864
Default  Posted: 5:07 PM, April 26th (Friday)

I'm so sorry you had to find us.

There is a wealth of information in the Healing Library to help you get started on what's happening to you & your life.


.

about 8 months ago he told me he wasn't attracted to me anymore and wasn't sure if he wanted to stay married. Well we proceeded to work on our marriage and things did improve.

I'm guessing this is when the affair started? His comments and then sudden enthusiasm about the marriage are pretty typical, sadly.


.

Then a few days ago I found out about this affair. He says he is confused and not sure if he wants to give her up but he isn't ready to commit to a divorce

Translation: I want to keep the bakery open as long as possible. To see just how long I can keep you both on a string without having to make any kind of commitment.

Make it for him. Toss him out and tell him you are filing for a D. You don't really have to do it but I'll about guarantee he has quite the epiphany about how he wants his marriage to go.. and it isn't you calling the shots.

Hang in there and do take care of yourself, try and drink water, sip milkshakes, soft things like french fries can help. Sleep is almost impossible but do try and get some rest when you can. Get some fresh air, go for walks, a bike ride, read a book outside.

And remember; keep breathing you will be ok.

[This message edited by Lucky at 5:15 PM, April 26th (Friday)]


♥ WINE - the other fruit juice! ♥


Posts: 36162 | Registered: Apr 2005
scaredyKat
Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 5:29 PM, April 26th (Friday)

I second all the advice you have gotten. He's a idiot. You are the prize.

Let him know that you aren't putting up with it. You aren't waiting for him to decide YOUR fate.

Read in the healing library and post here. Stay hydrated and eat small meals if you can't do a lot of food. Get to a doctor if you think you might need anti-depressants short term.

YOU are the prize. She is trash. Throw him out with that if he doesn't de fog immediately.

Speaking from experience...


Me-BS-60-Can't tell you how painful it was to change this number!
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 3253 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
savvy
Member
Member # 39102
Default  Posted: 5:48 PM, April 26th (Friday)

Thank all for making me feel like I'm not alone. From your posts I am guessing the fact that I can't keep food down is normal. And yes she is trash. I know her history and she has nothing to bring to the table I want to put his things on the front porch but I'm afraid he will go right to her. I can't stop checking to see where he is and driving by her house. We also own a business together so it's hard to get away from him. Being near him right now hurts sooo much, but I'm afraid to not be with him. Btw he hasn't been back to see her since I found out. But I know he wants to. Thank you all again your posts made me feel better about me. Oh and the Ow is not married, recently separated from a live in bf. she has two children 15 and 10 each from a different dad. And get this my husband had a vasectomy years ago so he didn't use protection...he's an idiot. I'm getting myself checked for STD

[This message edited by savvy at 5:52 PM, April 26th (Friday)]


me-BS (49)
him-WH (49)
2 children 21 and 19
Together 30 years
Ow-(30)and she knew me knew he is married.
D-day 1 4/24/2013
D-day 2. 7/9/2013. Day after anniversary
D-day 3. 8/12/13.
Filing for divorce

Posts: 135 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: connecticut
Topic Posts: 5