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User Topic: Well hell...back to the drawing board! Its not gonna work....
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Concerned  Posted: 8:53 AM, April 28th (Sunday)

Okay.... so I went to the hash run last night....all excited to see my new professor dating prospect...and it was just..ODD. I've come to the conclusion that we have very little in common other than the hash group.....AND the only thing in common with that is that we can gossip together about the drama in the group and we just happen to have the same friends in common. BUT...he doesn't even like to run really.....

So....we chatted throughout the hash and I stayed afterwards and we chatted.... but all he talked about was his many latest adventures of staying out until 4am with his friends partying...then he invited me to some bonfire last night after the hash and I had to RE-explain the fact that I have an almost 9 month old daughter at home that a friend was "nicely" watching so I could go to the hash run and that I couldn't stay out all night long and needed to go home.

He told me that in August he is going to some EURO-hash which is some crazy 4 day party basically in Sweden...costing ONLY $1,500 and then he is staying with family for about a month over there... then actually asked me if I wanted to go! UM.....again.....I HAVE A BABY! I AM A GROWN UP...I AM NOT *NOT*....let me repeat.... *NOOOOOOOT* going through an early mid-life crisis!!! AND....I'm also a SINGLE MOM....and don't have an extra $1,500 lying around in my Richie Rich vault to throw around on a whim!!!

URG...so.... as sweet as he is....and all...I just have come to the conclusion that although we are the EXACT same age (2 month difference) that we are in COMPLETELY different places in our lives.... and I think the weird...awkward token "pat on the back" hug goodbye that he gave me and the "delayed by 3 hours" text message asking if I got home okay....kinda sealed the deal for me.

Am I overreacting?? I need thoughts on this. And, How do I "nicely" explain this to him.....

[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 8:55 AM, April 28th (Sunday)]


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2719 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 8:59 AM, April 28th (Sunday)

Um, No - you are not overreacting.

I know you're young but jaysus... didn't we get that out of our system by the time we were 23? WTF?

He has NFI honey. I wouldn't explain diddly squat to him. Dude hasn't worked out that a baby means your life is a lil different to childless folk.

Either that or... its not me. Its you.


Buzz- The word you are searching for is 'Space-Ranger.'
Woody- The word I'm searching for, I can't say, because there are Pre-school toys here.

Posts: 5535 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Take2
Member
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 9:08 AM, April 28th (Sunday)

Think telling him would be easy: "Love chatting with you but we're in very different places. I don't have the kind of free time that you do - I have my daughter and she is my priority." And if you want to keep it friendly -- "Keep me posted about your Euro-hash though, sounds like fun - I'm planning on enjoying it vicariously through you :)"

[This message edited by Take2 at 9:09 AM, April 28th (Sunday)]


"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4112 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 9:22 AM, April 28th (Sunday)

Thank you....glad I'm not over-reacting! Don't get me wrong....maybe that kind of stuff is fun once in a blue moon! But, I can't go out partying on a weekly basis and truly...have ZERO desire to do so anyways! I need someone a little more mature... plus....I do NOT want another man going through this early mid-life crisis thing....my XWH went through that...and thus had his A! No thank you! I need someone a little more stable...

I guess I should have seen the red flag when he told me that at 23 he owned his own home and had 2 businesses of his own....and had a freak out moment of "OMG....I'm settling down at 23 and I'm not ready for this" ....so he told me he sold his house....and his businesses and applyed to grad school in CALIFORNIA (LA to be exact - We live in Virginia) and he moved away for school! Now he lives either with his mom or rents from her and is an adjunct professor and STILL doesn't seem ready to calm his jets at almost 34 years old....

UGH....I just don't have time for this.....


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2719 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
PurpleRose
Member
Member # 33129
Default  Posted: 9:46 AM, April 28th (Sunday)

I don't think you have to really say anything.. Clearly you guys aren't a match. End of story.

You had, what.. One date? Chalk it up to a nice dinner and some adult conversation and move on. NEXT!


divorced the Dooosh
*****************************
even if you find your voice,
sometimes it does not matter anymore,
when you speak to a man who is deaf by choice.
~dodinsky

Posts: 3557 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Happyville
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, April 28th (Sunday)

Right...I think if he persists and tries to ask me out again....I might have to nip it.. but I think its very obvious that we aren't a match. And, I'm not going to kill myself to find childcare to spend time with a guy that I can already tell just wants a girl to party with....


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2719 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
Oh the Irony
Member
Member # 12354
Default  Posted: 10:48 AM, April 28th (Sunday)

And weird that after one date, he invites you along on a European vacation in frigging August!! I can't stand crap like that.

I don't like it when people dangle future prospects when you barely know them! I mean, if you want me to do something with you, offer at the appropriate time.

But yes, he obviously is not thinking about the life of a single mother.

I would just not contact him, if he contacts you again, just do the short note--I like what Take2 suggested.


Two gorgeous boys, 14 and 8.
D-day Sept. 15, 2006.
Me, BS 43
Him, WS 50
Her, OG (Guess she is 27 or 28 now! 19-21 at the time...)
Separated. Divorcing. Happily working on myself.

Posts: 735 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: thankful for truth
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, April 28th (Sunday)

Yeah....I agree! Talking about a vacation in Europe with someone you have had ONE date with is kinda insanity to me! And, him seeming so shocked that I would not want to leave my daughter behind seemed ludicrous to me... I mean....I wouldn't want to date a man who would be so quick to drop everything and leave their one year old child so easily to run off with someone they barely knew! What would that have said about my character? Or about me as a mother? Um... NO. Just. Not. Me.

Maybe 13 years ago and one child less I would have been that reckless. That lifestyle doesn't even appeal to me now. Maybe I'm old and boring... IDK. Is it too much to ask to find a guy who is old and boring like me! NEXT!


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2719 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
roughroadahead
Member
Member # 36060
Default  Posted: 12:02 PM, April 28th (Sunday)

Usually adjuncts are the most overworked and underpaid cog in the academia machine. How does he have the time and money to go away for a month, especially in August. Doesn't have to teach?


BS-Me 30s
WS-Him 30s
D-Day 4/2012 (Insisted EA only)
D-Day 5/2012 (Did I say EA? Ummm..)
Numerous other TT/broken NC d-days until S 1/2013. D settled 11/2013
MOW-coworker, 40s.
2 DS and DD all w/autism

Posts: 729 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: USA
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 4:06 PM, April 28th (Sunday)

He's off for the summer...and he admitted to me that between the 2 colleges that he teaches at he makes 25k. I have NO idea how he can afford to go to Europe! I'm assuming it might have to do with living with his mother though....


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2719 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
Amazonia
Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 4:23 PM, April 28th (Sunday)

I don't think there's anything wrong with his lifestyle, it just doesn't match with yours. And that's okay!


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13690 | Registered: Jul 2011
traicionada
Member
Member # 10310
Default  Posted: 4:25 PM, April 28th (Sunday)

Next


Real love is a CHOICE, NOT a feeling...

Posts: 3289 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Dallas, Texas
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 5:48 PM, April 28th (Sunday)

Right! His lifestyle would be great if I were younger and didn't have a child to think about....but we are just in different places in our lives....and I need someone whose lifestyle more parallels mine... I think he is a nice guy... just isn't the right guy for me...


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2719 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
InnerLight
Member
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 7:45 PM, April 28th (Sunday)

It sounds like a nice date, but just that. That's great that you had an evening out, but it is not a failure if you don't form a relationship. It's just a date. He obviously doesn't get you but that's OK because there is no relationship. No need to explain anything to him. If he is at all insistent then you can say, thanks for the date but I don't feel we are a match. Good luck in your search. Or something very undramatic like that.


BS, age 53, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years and 20 together. dating again, living in the sticks with a cat. It's taking a long time to create new dreams and a new life but it is slowly coming together.

Posts: 5798 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 8:50 PM, April 28th (Sunday)

Yeah....part of me is glad I went on the date...and another part of me wishes I hadn't gone. It reminded me of how nice it was to spend time with someone of the opposite sex. I miss that sometimes. And, now tonight...I'm feeling a little lonely. Oh well...it is what it is.


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2719 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
million pieces
Member
Member # 27539
Default  Posted: 8:21 AM, April 29th (Monday)

This is why when I started dating is why I stuck to guys w kids. My children are my priority and I didn't have the energy to explain that to someone new in my life. Now don't get me wrong, even if you have children doesn't make a guy automatically understand that for now children are a priority. Shit, most of us wouldn't be single if all parents thought that!

Like Ama, I find nothing wrong w his life, it just doesn't match up to yours.


Me - 42
2 kids, 9 and 11
D-Day 2/5/10, separated 3 wks later
Divorced 11/15/11!!!!

Posts: 1241 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: MD
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 9:21 AM, April 29th (Monday)

million pieces....

I agree whole-heartedly! Although my daughter's father has other children that he has very little to do with that are DEFINITELY not a priority for him...and he only sees them AT ALL because of a court order and child support...and he hasn't seen my daughter since December....JERK.

I had the chance to go out with a nice guy with children back in December....but I wasn't ready to date yet....MAN I wish I could turn back time sometimes! But, I know things happen for a reason.....

[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 9:21 AM, April 29th (Monday)]


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2719 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
Catwoman
Member
Member # 1330
Default  Posted: 4:39 AM, April 30th (Tuesday)

Just because someone doesn't match up with us and our priorities and place in life doesn't make them a bad person--it just makes them someone who doesn't match up with us and our priorities and place in life.

"Sorry, I don't think we're a match, but it's fun to talk with you and see you at hash group."

Period.

You went out on a date--consider that a good thing. You looked at this and were able to see things that just aren't going to be good for where you are in life and where you want to be--even better. See this whole thing as successful--successful learning more about you, learning to stay away from irresponsible men (do I see a pattern here) and being able to do both with dignity and grace.

Dating is all about getting to know someone. Sometimes it works out, but most of the time it doesn't. It's okay to move on, it's okay to learn from it and it's definitely okay to not get entangled with someone who just isn't going to be a match at this point in your life.

You owe him a dignified, gracious and polite "I don't think we have enough in common to make a good match" or some such thing in your own words. It's not drama--it's just what is.

Cat


FBS: Married 20 years, 2 daughters 25 and 22. Divorced by the grace of GOD.
D-Days: 2/23/93; 10/11/97; 3/5/03
Ex & OW Broke up 12-10
"An erection does not count as personal growth."

Posts: 29591 | Registered: Apr 2003 | From: Massachusetts
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 7:52 AM, April 30th (Tuesday)

Thanks Catwoman! I agree!

I am proud of myself for AT LEAST recognizing that he is not a good match for me and choosing to not pursue anything further! The old me would have D-R-A-G-G-E-D out the inevitable and then been oddly surprised when it ultimately crashed and burned months later!!! I would much rather jump ship now and row myself to safety!


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2719 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
Topic Posts: 19