User Topic: How do you hold on when you can't find the rope?
Member # 37190
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, April 28th (Sunday)

Decided to officially comment to R a few weeks ago. I never have good days anymore. Not just since deciding to R, but since the last bout of lies (about his AP) came out in February. So officially 7 months out, yet really only 2 in so many ways.

How do you hold on when you can't see the rope? I want my M, I love my WH. I HATE THIS LIFE though. It seems like all we do is fight. Ok - it's me fighting but I am just so frustrated. I am TRYING to do this right and the pain and anger just gets worse. He is finally actually really trying and it just never feels like enough.

Had a horrible few days. After sex this AM, the injustice of it all just hit me like a ton of bricks. HE doesn't have to battle constant thoughts of what they did while trying to be intimate with me, he gets to just enjoy it. I walk away feeling second best and HE had his ego stroked from two women. I am left feeling alone. After sex he gets to enjoy the afterglow while I lay there wishing I could stop thinking about it and feeling like a fat cow.

We go to church and I am just a zombie. I used to be so playful and carefree. Now - I have no idea who this woman in my skin is. She is broken and a shell of who she was. They played a song we used to do when I led the youth group. I would jump and dance around like one of the teenagers. This morning I stood there like a zombie. I left. I walked out of church. I am in my van crying, posting here because I feel like nobody else feels like this. I watched everyone being carefree and I was just so jealous.

I want to quit. I can't see anything tangible to hold onto. For once, I don't think it's because he isn't actually trying. I just really feel defeated and like there is no point, he CANNOT make this ok. How the hell do I fight when I can't see a reason to?

If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck - it's not a fluffy pink unicorn squirting liquid rainbows, complete with pots of gold out of it's ass.

Posts: 766 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Nowhere pretty
Member # 37756
Default  Posted: 10:59 AM, April 28th (Sunday)


I hear you. Big hugs. I've had that same feeling in church many, many times.

Now when I go, I try to focus on God. Renewing my relationship with Him. not the people around me or my H or any of the madness. Just keep your eyes towards Him.

I'm largely in the same place as you, although not in R. There's a great David Crowder Band song that carries me in times like this when I feel so desolate. I am posting below for you. Hugs!!!

Lord I'm tired
So tired from walking
And Lord I'm so alone
And Lord the dark
Is creeping in
Creeping up
To swallow me
I think I'll stop
Rest here a while

And this is all that I can say right now
And this is all that I can give
And this is all that I can say right now
And this is all that I can give, that's my everything

Lord didn't You see me cry'n?
And didn't You hear me call Your name?
Wasn't it You I gave my heart to?
I wish You'd remember
Where you sat it down

And this is all that I can say right now, i know it's not much.
But this is all that I can give, yeah that's my everything.
This is all that I can say right now [right now], i know it's not much.
But this is all that I can give, yeah that's my everything.

I didn't notice You were standing here
I didn't know that
That was You holding me
I didn't notice You were cry'n too
I didn't know that
That was You washing my feet

And this is all
This is all that I can say right now, oh i know its not much.
But this is all that I can give, yeah that's my everything.
This is all that I can say right now [right now], i know it's not much.
But this is all that I can give, yeah that's my everything.
This is all that I can say right now, oh i know it's not much.
But this is all that I can give, yeah that's my everything..
yeah that's my everything..
yeah that's my everything..

Surrender to what is. Let go of what was. Have faith in what will be. -- Sonia Ricotti

Posts: 578 | Registered: Dec 2012
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 1:09 PM, April 28th (Sunday)

I'm really, really sorry.

I'm a church organist and pregnant and have to sit on the alter with them all looking at me, while going through much that you are.

They ask the usual niceties when I hardly feel like any part of the morning is good!

How to be polite when your world is crumbling, when you know they mean well, but you don't have a pleasant thing to say at all?

How to smile and pretend when they haven't done anything wrong, but your world is shattering?

I just wanted to say that you are going through just what I did and what I will offer is an idea that I did not think of because I was so desparate for him to be home safe and for M.

I will offer up this idea: that maybe, just maybe it's too early in your discovery period to go full throttle back to M? That maybe some stages or parts of M could be worked on but all of it doesn't have to be at once?

I tried to do this with STBXH and he didn't have a clue. Like, if I couldn't trust him, how could other things happen? But because of my warped brain and things he did and said, I worked like a dog to please. And ended up angry at myself and not healed.

It doesn't sound like your emotions are healed, so if you can be careful of your interactions with WH, that would be my other advice to offer.

This is brand new "again" and you have to re-discover yourselves all over again, but you have knowledge about WH now that you didn't before and that changed who he is for you and in your mind.

Advice was given to me bu a wonderful Dutchwoman who said to go slower than we did and I wish now that I took it, for our lives are going to be forever different. She said, "date him again", don't even live with him again yet, he should woo you and all of that". But we went gung-ho back in to M and R and it backfired, largely because of time and because of the A.

I hope any of that helps and hope you will be ok...I have lived this, too.

Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington

Posts: 2239 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 2:22 PM, April 28th (Sunday)


I know, I know. Lately I don't know what else to do --- I have been praying so hard to God to help me, to make it better.

together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1393 | Registered: Dec 2012
Member # 37044
Default  Posted: 4:30 PM, April 28th (Sunday)


I isolated for several months and only started feeling "normal" just before the 7 month mark. Hang in there.

Me: BW, Him: fWH
Together 12 years
My EA (?) 2005-2011
His STA/PA: D-day: 19/09/12
TT: 08/12/12

We are in R.

Posts: 698 | Registered: Oct 2012
Member # 35799
Default  Posted: 5:46 PM, April 28th (Sunday)

I'm pretty much at this point too. I just couldn't stomach church on Sunday and stayed home.

Having to sit there smiling and chatting to people as if my world is intact and happy was totally beyond me.

Watching WH lead the service like he is righteous makes me nauseated.

I do believe he is sorry and has repented for what he has done but I feel like a hypocrite keeping his secret when he is only just beginning to do a smidgen of heavy lifting.

I think we get totally exhausted by all the emotional energy we exert.

Praying you can find strength

BS: 47 (me)
WH: 51
Married 26 yrs, 3 kids (16-24)
D-Days 2012: 23 - 24 May + TT
D-Day 2013: 12 Apr OW#3
mOW #1 EA yrs PA Feb 2009-end 2011
mOW #2 EA months PA 4 months 2010
OW #3 PA single time 2010
Status: Maybe 'R'

Posts: 726 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: "down-under"
Topic Posts: 6