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Divorce/Separation
User Topic: god, i'm so weak!
meplustwo
Member
Member # 39082
Default  Posted: 5:41 AM, April 29th (Monday)

I tried my first 180 day on Saturday. It went pretty well, except that I went to our home to pack some stuff and he asked if I was excited about my new apartment. I teared up and said "no I am not excited. I didn't want any of this. This is awful!" He didn't say much. I went out with friends Saturday night and they were talking me into filing. I felt okay. When I woke up on Sunday, I felt devastated. I called him and asked to come over to talk. I lost it when I saw him, crying shaking. He held me and pleaded with me to talk to him. I told him I didn't know what to do and how I feel crushed. He said he just wasn't happy and couldn't pretend to be. He needed to find some way to change the direction of his life but every move he was making was wrong. I asked if he was going to keep having the affair. He said, right now, no. Whatever that means. He told me he loves me. Then we spent to day together with the kids and he asked me to rent a movie spend the night. I did. I know, dumb. I don't feel any better this morning. I don't feel anymore hopeful that he will wake the f up. Why do I love him so much? Why can't I let go? Why am I addicted to someone who isn't addicted to me? I hate this. I'm going to try to restart my 180 today. Any suggestions on how to get past this awful neediness would be so appreciated!


Me(34) - BS
Him(35) - WH
Married: 9 years
Two Kids: 4 and 6
D-Day #1: 7/12, D-Day #2: 4/24/13
Affair: EA to PA with coworker
Status of A: Says he broke it off after I went to her house and confronted both of them

Posts: 59 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Maine
cayc
Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 7:22 AM, April 29th (Monday)

Sweetheart, you need to close the bakery with Mr. Indecisive. This is what 180 is for, to regain your equilibrium and a bit of sanity.

And this is a one day at a time kind of thing. What can you do today to ensure you stay NC? What can you do right now? Let tomorrow take care of itself.

For me, the mantra of NC = no new hurts really helps. For as much as I hurt now, how much worse will it be if I contact him and he's dismissive, or friendly, or loving, or whatever. Basically no matter how he is, it hurts. And it hurts worse than NC because it makes the wound fresh again.

You're in a small town? Well then if he becomes remorseful, he can easily come find you. Until then, focus on you and loving yourself.

(((meplustwo)))


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3124 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
sunshine226
Member
Member # 38851
Default  Posted: 7:44 AM, April 29th (Monday)

NC is tough, I caved but I am back to it again now

yes it is something that is one day at a time, try to keep yourself busy, focus more on you than your WS, some days are easier than others, I went 17 days with NC until yesterday and i got to start over again,

hang in there, take it one day at a time, one hour at a time. I know each day, i felt good that i was able to get through it without contact but then yesterday happened, dont dwell on losing your way with 180, just start over again, and again and again as many times as you have to.

Ive gone NC many times over the past 16 months, its never easy but its necessary


Me-BS (44)
Him-WS (47)
DDay 1/1/2012, common law for 22 1/2 years when he began A in September 2011
Status: moving on without him

Posts: 234 | Registered: Mar 2013
Linus1968
Member
Member # 31243
Default  Posted: 8:16 AM, April 29th (Monday)

Keep the 180 going. Don't let him use you like an object, whether physical or emotional. You are not a car he can drop off in the parking lot when done. It is tough, but so it the crap he is dragging you though.
I will admit, it took sometime for me to go totally 180, but once I did, and WW saw she could not control me like before, it bugged the crap out of her.
I think 180 is more about control myself and what you need and less about revenge. Then, when you have control of your emotions, then you can make sound decision about if you want to R with the WH or not. Then if you R, you can say this and that is what I expected, and not just take him back because you are lonely or horny or "love him". You decide what you want. When he sees that, if he will want you back, he will do as you ask, because he can't control you. He can't just give you the pouty puppy eyes to use you again.
So 180 up, girl! You have the power. Keep it going. You are stronger than you know...

You're an interesting species, an interesting mix. You're capable of such beautiful dreams and such horrible nightmares. You feel so lost, so cut off, so alone, only you're not. See, in all our searching, the only thing we've found that makes the emptiness bearable is each other. - Contact

[This message edited by Linus1968 at 8:18 AM, April 29th (Monday)]


Me: Me
Her: Multiple men, multiple times, OC with the latest one
S: 16, D:14
May 27, 2014 DIVORCED!!!
In the words of Dory "Whew, I'm glad I got that off my chest."

Posts: 241 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Hell, and my X is the mayor (FL)
lonelylost
Member
Member # 36784
Default  Posted: 10:30 AM, April 29th (Monday)

It's very hard...don't be too hard on yourself.

I broke NC about one million times and I can promise you that every time I did, it only hurt me...it never hurt him. Never.

And with every NC broken, it felt like I slipped backwards 1,000 feet and had to work my way back to being strong again. It does take time. You'll get there. You are strong.


Divorced Jan 2013

"Don't look back, the road is long."
- Needtobreathe


Posts: 209 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: IL
meplustwo
Member
Member # 39082
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, April 29th (Monday)

Thanks. I restarted my NC/180 today and, so far so good. I actually touched base with my property manager for my new apartment today and I am signing the lease and moving in on Wednesday. I am scared and it sucks that I have to do that, but I am interested to see if it assists me in my NC/180 and getting some of my life back!


Me(34) - BS
Him(35) - WH
Married: 9 years
Two Kids: 4 and 6
D-Day #1: 7/12, D-Day #2: 4/24/13
Affair: EA to PA with coworker
Status of A: Says he broke it off after I went to her house and confronted both of them

Posts: 59 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Maine
KeepOnMovin
Member
Member # 38245
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, April 29th (Monday)

(((meplustwo)))

I am THE WORST at the NC thing, so i feel sort of hypocritical offering advice. So, i can share how breaking NC really f's me up.

The 180, i got, and i don't contact STBXWW, but i do let her get to me. She comes over for comfort when things get rough, and i give her a shoulder to cry on and even cry with her.

She tracks me down every 2-3 weeks fishing to see if i'm still there, and i take the freakin bait every freakin time! I am her stability; her rock. And by me offering comfort and playing the role i've always played, it reinforces that she can continue to screw OM, and if it doesn't work out, KOM will give her a soft place to land.

So she leaves, feeling all better and less guilty. Thinking we're going to be friends. And i am set back emotionally. I'm confused and my kids are confused. And i question myself and whether this really is my fault, and if i just do X, maybe we can keep our family in-tact? It is truly crazy-making!

When emotions take over, my heart makes decisions. i have a good heart, but it's not the smartests. When we maintain NC, i make decisions with my head, and my gut. My instincts know she is an entitled, narcissistic (sp?), spoiled princess who is incapable of looking at herself as the problem. My hearts sees the mother of my children, and really the first girl i ever loved and was vulnerable to.

So, i have redoubled my efforts to maintain NC. She sort of got to me yesterday, but i recovered when i saw where it was going. Told her, "I'm not doing this any more." Kids or finances only. She got mad at first, but it happens becase i let it happen.

Stay strong meplustwo. You will make a few mistakes, so don't beat yourself up. You will eventually get this, and be as strong as some of the other amazing women on this forum!

Peace! k


Me: BH
Her: who cares?
Married: 22 years
2 sons at home
1 son in college
Divorced on 9/4/14!
Often it's the deepest pain which empowers you to grow into your highest self.

Posts: 333 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Midwest
Housefulloflove
Member
Member # 38458
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, April 29th (Monday)

"NC= No new hurts" really opened my eyes to the point of going completely NC. It's to detach of course but it's also protection for yourself.

After reading that, it clicked. And darn near EVERY time I broke NC there was something else he said to piss me off and add more hurt. Recently his new way of blameshifting is to claim that I didn't spend enough of my day hugging and kissing him over the course of a decade. In fact, he said the real "issue" is that I gave my all to everything except him...like our kids....and our home..and our life in general..not enough of that time was spent worshiping him at the expense of everything and everyone else including our children who were always primarily MY responsibility while he focused on himself.

I say all that to illustrate that if I had kept to NC, that would be one less batch of stupid to add to the LONG list of offenses since DDay#1. It's hard and most people fail at it especially in the beginning. I'm still failing obviously. lol! It's not easy totally letting go when you love someone. REALLY..love someone. Not the shallow, self-centered kind of "love" our waywards have that allow them to emotionally detach and hurt us without an difficulty.

As others have already stated, one day at time. The more you detach the easier it will get. And when you stumble he will likely quickly remind you why NC is so much better than dealing with someone who will hurt you with no remorse.

If he takes his head out of his ass and wants to truly be a better man, he knows where to find you and he will be ready and willing to work on all the destruction he caused.


Me-29 Starting over
ExWH-29 Probable NPD, PA, manchild
3 beautiful young children
DDay 1/20/13 Admits PA
No remorse so NO R. DIVORCED! 9/2013

Posts: 541 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: USA
Ashland13
Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 2:47 PM, April 29th (Monday)

OMG, I have this too! I get soooo angry at myself because my brain is like two-one side telling the other, "that man will hurt you more!" and the other not being able to not hear from him, even with all he's done.

One of the posts about a WS "dismissing" us is something STBXH enjoys like a sport. I wanted to ask for opinions as to why he may do this? I think it's not hard to be civil and I don't understand why the pompous attitude, when he's the one in the wrong?

He said recently, "I've done too much to go to counseling." I thought that would be more for me or both of us to decide? and it sounded kind of like a rehearsed line.

Denial comes to mind, but not sure.


Ashland 13

You gave me nothing and now it's all I've got - Bono

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2297 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Topic Posts: 9