Just Found Out
User Topic: Anxious...again
New Member
Member # 38838
Default  Posted: 6:16 AM, April 29th (Monday)

He finally set up MC. Tonight is our first appointment. I am having major anxiety over this. Why?

Me: 44
WH: 50
D day 03.20.13
Married 25 years.
4 children; 6 between us

Posts: 32 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Pa
Member # 36711
Default  Posted: 6:40 AM, April 29th (Monday)

Because you are facing the unknown. (What new will I find out? Will the safety of the MC office allow more hurtful revelations? Will my partner try to manipulate the session to make me appear worse and them to appear "the good guy"? Will I be blamed? Will the therapist side with my partner? Will I be told to suck it up and change?) These come to mind for me, anyway. As BS, we are dealing with so much turmoil and self doubt, that anything added seems too much.

A good therapist won't allow those things, so if it seems to be going that direction, get out and find a different one.

D-day(s),after years of TT and Gaslighting was Labor Day Weekend 2012, continuing for a week after. *Dammit! More TT 3/9/13
Really trending toward D- planning about it is my "happy place" now.

Posts: 1292 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Sunny Florida
Member # 38923
Default  Posted: 6:48 AM, April 29th (Monday)

If I ever end up in MC, which I doubt at this time, my biggest fear is that the councillor won't concur that the affair is all WS fault. I reckon they will suggest that the BS takes a responsibility for it.

Me 40
WW 38
Together 19 years
Married for 9
DS(1) 9
DS(2) 7
Dday 10th Feb 2013
She moved in with POS and took kids 23rd Mar 2013. WW now has new baby
Divorced April 2014

Posts: 721 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 2:10 PM, April 29th (Monday)

And that is exactly why you would fire such a counciler, allatsea. Marriage problems belong to both parties. Infidelity is 100% on the person who committed it. It was a decision to go outside of the marriage or committed relationship. Instead of talking to the partner, getting counciling, separating from them, divorcing them, or choosing any other honorable way to help solve the problem or leave the relationship, the adulterous partner chooses to betray their partner and throw a bomb into the middle of their life.

Unless that is fully understood by a MC or IC, and is addressed first, nothing productive can come of the counciling IMHO.

Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012

Posts: 4943 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 2:30 PM, April 29th (Monday)

Good luck Notgwen,

The unknown is usually scarier than the actual event.

If your WS begins to say I did A because of X, Y, or Z in the M, your (or better the MC’s) response should be “Why did you choose to have an A in response to X, Y, or Z rather than some other more productive and better for the M action?”

We started in MC after dday thinking he would help us to keep civil as we D. It was not until FWW started doing IC every 2 weeks for a couple of years that we got to the point of actually working on the M.

It takes some shopping, one size in underwear or MC does not fit all. biggest fear is that the councilor won't concur that the affair is all WS fault...

We have an excellent MC/IC who helped me and is still helping FWW. One of the first things that he said when we went in after dday was to look at my FWW and say "Your affair had nothing to do with Atsenaotie". He held this line with her and would call her out when she tried to blame shift.

FBS 54
Separated and Divorcing

Posts: 4133 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 2:30 PM, April 29th (Monday)

My WH#2 has also agreed to MC. He tried IC for 3 sessions, then quit. I think it had to do with the stigma of going to a psychologist. He wouldn't let his insurance pay for it and paid out of his pocket and didn't want anyone to know he was going.

I would rather him go to IC first and then later MC, but right now I will take what I can get and hope the MC can get him to go to IC. I am making sure that the MC I find deals with Infedelity and PTSD. If I find one that only wants to concentrate on pre-A issues, then I will not go back to them and will look until I find one that does.

Good luck with your MC session. I hope it helps. (((HUGS)))

M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 3:17 PM, April 29th (Monday)

Try not to stress too much about the first session, it's more about getting to know you, and understand the reasons you are there. Of course it's emotional, but for the most part, you won't get much info, and certainly won't resolve much of anything.

Deep breaths.

((( and strength )))

Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8718 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Topic Posts: 7