SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Reconciliation
User Topic: Am I too focused on past?
Itstoohard
Member
Member # 37629
Default  Posted: 6:19 AM, April 29th (Monday)

Because it has been so long h has trouble remembering. But when we have discussed it he always seems to remember more. But of course he doesn't want to focus on the past he wants to focus on the future. He says I just want to see the negative in him. He had agreed we would talk every other Sunday. That happened once. It went well but it's not happened again. When do I did to "get over it"? Will I know when? I am still flip flopping. He has made a lot of changes. Actually notices me. But it seems if I am having a bad day(s) he doesnt want to deal with me and I am left to feel I am being mean. Should I bed"sucking it up" and getting on with life?


BS 64
fWH 64
PA 22 yrs ago
Started as EA for 2 yrs then ONS CORRECTION Started as an EA for 8 years
Trustismyissue

Posts: 180 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: US
ItsaClimb
Member
Member # 37107
Default  Posted: 6:58 AM, April 29th (Monday)

I firmly believe in "you can't heal what you don't feel" - and in order to do that, you need to focus on what happened, process it and only THEN move on. The time frame for healing is believed to be 2 to 5 years, assuming no new hurts.

I think perhaps, while you still have questions, you aren't done processing. Especially for those of us who are dealing with something that happened a long time ago, with lots of "I don't remembers" to complicate matters, this all takes some time.

I think it is definitely possible to get stuck in the past, but honestly, I don't feel you are - your D-Day was only in September, am I right?
It's going to take some time before you can move on.


BS 46
Together 29 yrs, M 25 years
2 daughters 24yo(married with a brand new little daughter) & 19yo
D-Day 18 Aug 2012
6mth EA lead to 4mth PA with CO-W. I found out 8 1/2 yrs later

Posts: 988 | Registered: Oct 2012
Knowing
Member
Member # 37044
Default  Posted: 7:10 AM, April 29th (Monday)

Listen to yourself, not him. His way doesn''t work. Proof is that 22 years later it still hurts you. Trust your gut. If you were in MC you would have an opportunity to talk about it. Is he in IC? Are you?


Me: BW, Him: fWH
Together 12 years
My EA (?) 2005-2011
His STA/PA: D-day: 19/09/12
TT: 08/12/12

We are in R.


Posts: 698 | Registered: Oct 2012
Theradin
Member
Member # 38518
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, April 29th (Monday)

I believe you'll 'get over it' when you're ready to. And likely, that will be when you have the FULL STORY. He has cards up his sleeve by keeping things from you that are pertinent to your healing. How can you ever feel fully close to someone or trust them if you don't even know the ways in which they've violated you and desecrated your marriage? You simply cannot. If he doesn't understand that, he needs to see an IC (and an MC, with you) that can explain it in terms he'll understand. After all, he was the one who caused this, not you. You just want to be an equal with him - you want to have equal knowledge of the A, just like he has. That isn't too much to ask, IMHO.

Honestly, if he isn't willing to do this, then he isn't in true R. Period.


ME: 33 BH
HER: 32 WW
Married: 8 years
Children: Yes
DDay #1: 02/22/2006 (ONS)
DDay #2: 09/23/2012 (EA/PA)
DDay #3: 12/07/2012 (EA/PA)
DDay #4: 01/03/2013 (EA/PA)
DDay #5: 01/24/2013 (EA/PA)
TT until 04/07/2013
100% NC: 04/18/2013

Posts: 190 | Registered: Feb 2013
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 2:41 PM, April 29th (Monday)

Does your H have enough empathy to comprehend that the A is 22+ years ago to him, but 8 months ago to you? Does he realize that you bot have to heal from the A and from 22+ years of lies?

He apparently rug swept for 22 years, and it didn't work. He's already shown his internal resources aren't up to the task of dealing with his A. Why doesn't he realizes he needs to do something different.

Would it help if you asked how he'd react f the shoe were on the other foot? If you ask him this, MC might be a good place to do it. (When this came up for us, my W indicated she thinks she'd just move on. MC confronted her, not very gently, and my W really got it.)

The fact that your H remembers more and more as you talk more and more is telling. Maybe you are too focused on the past, but from what you write, you sure aren't.

[This message edited by sisoon at 2:42 PM, April 29th (Monday)]


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10166 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Itstoohard
Member
Member # 37629
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, April 30th (Tuesday)

Thanks so much for the posts. Amazed anyone could follow after rereading my typos.
Yes sisoon I did ask him shortly after dd what he would do if reversed and of course him being a better person than me-NOT- he would forgive me.
I just got back from my annual physical. H and I have same doc. She was concerned about my health. Doesn't want me to loose anymore weight..I have put back some of what I lost immediately after dd.I did end up telling her why and she said H was there last month and was his normal jolly self. No surprise there. She did ask me some detail questions and when I told her he flew to another state to have this affair she did a double take. She gave me a script for some "happy pill" that I haven't decided if I will take or not. She wants me to go to IC. Fence sitting right now. I hear so many stories on here and thru the years that if you don't find a good one you could be worse off.Seems strange to me that I didn't do anything wrong and yet I need to get fixed. I know, I know its to help me get strong again. I'm just trying to process the whole doc visit.


BS 64
fWH 64
PA 22 yrs ago
Started as EA for 2 yrs then ONS CORRECTION Started as an EA for 8 years
Trustismyissue

Posts: 180 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: US
hopingforhappy
Member
Member # 29288
Default  Posted: 1:03 PM, April 30th (Tuesday)

Itstoohard, please listen to your doc. IC can be tremendously helpful in working through the pain that you are experiencing. If you are worried about the therapist, ask your doc for recommendations. Interview a few over the phone until you find one that you feel comfortable with. It will make a world of difference. What is being fixed here is not you, it is the damage that your WH did to you. BTW, he should be seeing an IC as well--because he does need to be fixed!


Me--BW (56)
Him--FWH (53)--5yr. LTA--OW probably BPD
Married 20 years
DS-18, DD-15
Reconciling--but boy is it hard!

Posts: 1318 | Registered: Aug 2010
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 4:59 PM, April 30th (Tuesday)

Your H says he'd forgive you? He's either lying to you or lying to himself.

Before the A, cheating wasn't a deal breaker for us. We discussed it and thought the cheater would have to choose, the BS would have to choose, we'd both probably forgive, and we'd move on. It didn't quite work out that way....

But you can't confront your H effectively on this. You need to have the discussion with an objective 3rd party in the mix - MC, or a joint IC session.

Actually, you sound pretty solid to me. My fantasy is that you'd recognize a lousy IC before being damaged. Besides, you've got us to 2nd guess anything an IC says.

Healing is not too hard. You can do it!


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10166 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Topic Posts: 8