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Just Found Out
User Topic: Where do I go next?
shockandconfused
New Member
Member # 39123
Default  Posted: 8:41 AM, April 29th (Monday)

WS told me last week he's been cheating for 2 months and has been going to a therapist behind my back for that time. Together 11 yrs, married almost 5. He doesn't know what he wants and wants to be happy but doesn't feel anything for me anymore and is totally emotionally flatlined. He says cheating was not a conscious decision but looking for an emotional connection. It's about his happiness. He's had a rough few yrs at work that we've gotten through together with my support and this past year he hit it big and it's going up for him.

I told him last night that I needed him to stop cheating and end the affair for us to even talk. He said I was making a mistake asking him that out of the blue and he needed time to figure out everything alone. So I said then end the affair and take the time to figure it out. He could not tell my that he would end it. Eventually he left and went to a hotel. He texted me to say that he's staying at his parents house, needs time alone, and is sorry he could not tell me what I wanted to hear.

So, what choice do I have anymore? I love him so much with everything I have, but how can I continue for another minute when he won't look me in the eye and say the affair is over. This is so painful and shocking.


Together 11 yrs, married 5, no kids
BS: 35 yrs old
WS: 35 yrs old
OW: 30 yrs old (same name, background, and looks like me)
D-Day: 4/23/13
Status: In the thick of it, he left and trying to grieve the dream and deal with his selfishness and callo

Posts: 8 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: DC
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 10:05 AM, April 29th (Monday)

Hello, welcome to SI. I am so sorry you are in so much pain, your member name says it all. All of us were pretty much shocked and confused after D-Day.

Have you read the articles in the Healing Library in the upper left-hand corner?

Do you have any idea who the affair partner is? Is she married? The reason I ask this is because the best way to end an affair is to expose it.

In any event, start doing the 180....do not communicate with him at all unless it concerns children or finances. Period. He wants his cake and eat it too, show him you are strong and will make it with or without him. Do not beg, plead or bargain. You will only drive him further away.

So he is at his parents, I guess they know of his cheating? I cannot ever imagine any parent approving of infidelity. How close are you with them?

Consider setting up therapy for yourself, it will help having a GOOD therapist to guide you through this painful trauma.

Post as often as you need to, you have found a great place for support, encouragement, and information.

ETA: Please understand this is not your fault, don't ever allow him to blame you for his actions. Also, there is never room for three in a marriage, you cannot move into any type of reconciliation unless he is out of the affair.

Right now he is making decisions for your life, turn this situation upside down and show him you are in control of the situation and you will not allow him to play ping pong with your future.

Just be kind to yourself in the meantime, you probably feel like crawling up into a ball, the best thing is to stay as active as possible and lean on TRUSTED family members or friends.

[This message edited by annb at 10:10 AM, April 29th (Monday)]


Posts: 7471 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
NeverAgain2013
Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, April 29th (Monday)

Honestly?

I'd give him his wish.

Lawyer up. Let's see how bound and determined he is to get his freedom.

Begging, pleading, crying, howling and clinging are NOT going to do it. It will make you even more of a 'repellant' to him (since he claims he's completely void of any feelings for you and has 'flatlined.) DON'T BEG.

Cut him off at the knees and let him SEE what his new decision will really feel like. If you keep the door open and beg him to come home, he gets the comfort of knowing you're still waiting for him in case he falls flat on his face.

DON'T GIVE HIM THAT.

Shut down the store, Shocked. Shut him off cold.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1711 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
TheClimb
Member
Member # 25895
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, April 29th (Monday)

Ann has given some great advice about the 180 and exposing the affair to the OW's husband or boyfriend. If you go this route, don't warn your husband of your plan, just do it.

Sometimes, you have to be willing to lose the marriage in order to save it. As you read through other posts, you will find that although many of us try, you simply can't nice or love back a wayward spouse. I don't see if you have children or not. If you don't, you have no reason to speak with him. Don't call, don't take his calls. See an attorney, you don't need to file anything yet, but seeing one will help you feel more in control.

Keep posting, drink Ensure if you can't eat and don't be afraid to take something to help you sleep. We have all been in your shoes and are ready to help.


"That which can be destroyed by the truth should be" P.C. Hodgell

Posts: 458 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Southern Maryland
shockandconfused
New Member
Member # 39123
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, April 29th (Monday)

Thank you for posting. A response makes me feel less alone. The last 6 months, we've been working through him getting in touch with why he doesn't feel emotionally connected to his parents, friends, me, and only feels passionate about co-ed softball and work.

He was getting better, we were making plans, enjoying time together, then I guess in his mind it just cut off. I guess a couple months ago he started to go out a lot while I was on work travel and started the affair and seeing the therapist behind my back. He keeps saying that it wasn't his choice, something deep inside led him down this path and he doesn't have clarity.

He said he couldn't keep lying and that's why he told me. The night he told me I left the house in my pjs at midnight to get air I was so shocked and a friend picked me up on the street. He didn't even contact me all night and told me the next day he thought I was home cause he went to her house because that's where he wanted to be and wasn't thinking about me.

I have no idea who she is, but it is someone he has definitely kept secret from everyone. I don't care about her. I care about us and our lives and future.

I've tried to love and support him out of this, but he doesn't care about me or my well being at all it seems. Every conversation is about him. He kept saying that I was making a mistake asking him to end the affair and bringing it up before he had time to think on his own. He made several comments about our relationship being totally separate that just wasn't even factually true.

I just don't understand anything.


Together 11 yrs, married 5, no kids
BS: 35 yrs old
WS: 35 yrs old
OW: 30 yrs old (same name, background, and looks like me)
D-Day: 4/23/13
Status: In the thick of it, he left and trying to grieve the dream and deal with his selfishness and callo

Posts: 8 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: DC
shockandconfused
New Member
Member # 39123
Default  Posted: 10:50 AM, April 29th (Monday)

He's not remorseful or sorry or concerned about my well being in all this. It's about him and his unhappiness.

Then what do I do next?


Together 11 yrs, married 5, no kids
BS: 35 yrs old
WS: 35 yrs old
OW: 30 yrs old (same name, background, and looks like me)
D-Day: 4/23/13
Status: In the thick of it, he left and trying to grieve the dream and deal with his selfishness and callo

Posts: 8 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: DC
Tred
Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, April 29th (Monday)

Shock,

I've tried to love and support him out of this

Never works. You can't love them out of it, or nice them out of it, ever. Want to know why? It isn't about you. The three C's - you didn't cause it, you can't change it, and you can't control it. That's what the 180 is there for - so you can work on you, what you can control. See a lawyer. Empower yourself. Take care of you.


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3868 | Registered: Dec 2011
BaldwinBeauty59
Member
Member # 35507
Default  Posted: 3:21 PM, April 29th (Monday)

He's not remorseful or sorry or concerned about my well being in all this. It's about him and his unhappiness.
Then what do I do next?

Divorce his unremorseful, lying, cheating ass. Why are you waiting on him to decide if he wants her or you? Why? He has told you and shown you that he doesn't care anything about you. You disappear in the middle of the night after a traumatizing experience and he isn't concerned about you and you are waiting for this guy to decide the fate of your marriage? Really??? You cannot love or nice him back to you, all that will do is show him that you are wiling to put up with his crap. Kick his ass to the curb now! Stand up for yourself and let him know that although his whore is willing to share him you are not! There cannot be three in a marriage. FTG!!!!


Me - BW (53)
Him - WH (56)
OW - skanky whore coworker
Married 33 years
DDay1 8/10/11
DDay2 8/15/11
DDay3 8/28/11
2 grown children
Status - in R

Posts: 978 | Registered: May 2012
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 5:34 PM, April 29th (Monday)

S&C, I know that you''re just what your name says. So very shocked because why would ANYONE that supposedly loved you, do what he did. Confused as hell because instead of realizing what a fool he''s been, cutting off contact with the OW, and begging you for a second chance, he''s trying to get away with keeping you as a backup plan while he screws his girlfriend, so if that doesn''t work out he can come home and pretend it never happened. While you eat your soul in anguish.

What we are saying to you sounds harsh and brutal. Our advice may sound heartless because you''re in deep emotional pain. But we are trying to give you truthful clarity.

He has left the marriage. He has chosen the OW over you, or she would have been thrown under the bus. You have been working with him at making your marriage better, and he just shat upon all of that work and told you through his actions, that he isn''t invested in the two of you.

See a lawyer. File. Have him served. Go NC with him, do the 180 to start focusing on taking care of yourself. Only communications are about finances and children if you have any. Make you, your priority.

You cannot love him back, nor nice him back, nor lure him back. You''ve been doing that by working you your marriage and you can see what the results are. So you''re going to have to be very strong. A suggestion? I''d hire a PI as well, find out who the OW is and if she''s married, and then out her. It''s very likely that she will throw him under the bus too. You can send a clear statement about not f''ing with you any more. (((hugs)))


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4719 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
kernel
Member
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 6:29 PM, April 29th (Monday)

You can't love them out of it, or nice them out of it, ever. Want to know why? It isn't about you. The three C's - you didn't cause it, you can't change it, and you can't control it. That's what the 180 is there for - so you can work on you, what you can control. See a lawyer. Empower yourself. Take care of you.

Tred said it perfectly. Read about the 180, and then do it. No contact at all, unless you have to for finances or kids. Shock, just because you move on and start divorce proceedings does not mean you can't stop them at any time, if something changes drastically. You need to protect yourself and quit letting him dictate your life. He'll keep on treating you like crap as long as you'll put up with it - you deserve better and it's time to let him know you're done with his shit and moving on.


"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% - and that's pretty good."

Posts: 5058 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
mysticpenguin
Member
Member # 38839
Default  Posted: 9:17 PM, April 29th (Monday)

I don't see where anyone posted a link to the 180 (and I wholeheartedly agree that you should embark upon it), so here it is: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=232785

Many many many hugs to you. I'm so sorry you're going through this =(


Betrayed

Posts: 306 | Registered: Mar 2013
Theradin
Member
Member # 38518
Default  Posted: 9:30 PM, April 29th (Monday)

You are going through a very traumatic time right now. Know that NOTHING about the affair is your fault. It is 100% HIS fault. The best thing you can do, and I know it will be hard, is to follow the 180 guide in the Healing Library.

When you're in a state of trauma and shock, which you are likely in, you may not be thinking that clearly and be very confused. This guide will truly help you in ways you never knew it could. It will allow you to heal yourself, work on yourself, and get your stuff in order. Then, and only then, will you be able to face your WH on even footing. Right now, he has the upper hand because he's controlling you by playing with your emotions, your vulnerabilities. This was my case, all the way. My WW had the upper hand because she held the cards, she held the power. She had her AP, yet continued to false R me and tell me she wanted to work things out with me but needed time to think, she needed 'space'. What that ended up equating to is that she needed time to go hook up with her AP.

Don't be played the fool like I was. Start healing yourself and protecting yourself. The power to do so lies with only you. But it's incredibly difficult to do on your own. You'll need support (SI.com, trusted friends, family, etc.), and a strong will.

Keep fighting for what you believe is right FOR YOU. And be strong. This, too, shall pass.


ME: 33 BH
HER: 32 WW
Married: 8 years
Children: Yes
DDay #1: 02/22/2006 (ONS)
DDay #2: 09/23/2012 (EA/PA)
DDay #3: 12/07/2012 (EA/PA)
DDay #4: 01/03/2013 (EA/PA)
DDay #5: 01/24/2013 (EA/PA)
TT until 04/07/2013
100% NC: 04/18/2013

Posts: 190 | Registered: Feb 2013
FeelingSoMuch
Member
Member # 38814
Default  Posted: 9:37 PM, April 29th (Monday)

My experience is similar, except that my wife immediately said she was breaking off the affair, only to break NC twice later.

If you're like me -- and I'm finding out we're all experiencing similar feelings you're probably paralyzed with fear over any and all decisions.

Don't make one. Go for help. Go for therapy. Make yourself stronger, bit by bit, day by day. It will take a long time. It's been two months and nine days for me and I still feel weak -- destroyed really.

But you're going to need that strength to make a decision. Please don't feel like you have to act. You don't have to do anything, except make yourself stronger. I keep telling myself that one day I'll wake up and know what to do and then I'll need the strength to carry it out.

Life is hard at times. It just is.


Me: BH
Her: WW
Together since 2001, married since 2007.
D-day: Feb. 20, 2013.
Broke NC: 2 phone calls since
Today: In MC and IC, attempting R.
It got easier: They no longer work together.

Posts: 509 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Canada
shockandconfused
New Member
Member # 39123
Default  Posted: 11:43 PM, April 29th (Monday)

Thank you all so much. One week ago I couldn't have dreamed that reading posts on a website like this would be a lifeline to get me through the day.

I am taking your advice and taking initial steps to protect myself at this moment: lawyer consult, spending time with friends, no contact with WS when he texts/calls, committing to a plan each day, starting to figure out how to get myself to go back to work and focus.

But I'm so scared about what beyond tomorrow holds. Am I crazy to hold out any hope for us and our life together? When and how do you put aside love for someone that is your best friend and the person you would jump in front of a bus for? I'll take the advice to protect myself, but just not decide anything about the future now. I'm just in too much shock and I'm so hurt and sad.

He's so in denial about what he's doing. He texted me that "I'm sorry this is happening. Just need time to understand." I didn't respond. The first sorry, but he's not even ready to acknowledge that he's making choices or ask how I'm handling this. It's all about him. Last night he said this is happening to him and the cheating was inevitable that he couldn't stop it because he's looking for a connection and happiness.

Thank you for your thoughts and support. It means everything.


Together 11 yrs, married 5, no kids
BS: 35 yrs old
WS: 35 yrs old
OW: 30 yrs old (same name, background, and looks like me)
D-Day: 4/23/13
Status: In the thick of it, he left and trying to grieve the dream and deal with his selfishness and callo

Posts: 8 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: DC
Topic Posts: 14