Oh, I so totally hear you! I begged my FWH for sex, just to touch me. I wanted intimacy. I asked time and time again for him to put down the fucking computer, quit wanking off to internet sex, and come and get the real thing. I was desperate for his loving touch.
And he had sex with a stranger he met on-line instead.
From your date, you''re not even one month out? Hell, I didn''t want his touch at that point either. I couldn''t even undress in front of him. I hid my body in baggy clothing. I was either so dead that I wandered around the house like a zombie or out of my head insanely in a rage! There was no in-between.
Just concentrate on getting through each day with enough food, hydration, and rest to keep your body together at this point. Be selfish do what YOU need to do to get through the days. Let him take care of himself he''s a grown-up, he can act like one. You don''t have to decide One Damned Thing right now. Read in The Healing Library (upper left corner, yellow box) if you haven''t. Heck, read it again. Read the posts with bulls-eyes on this forum. Make sure that you get yourself STD/HIV tested and make sure he does the same, and then shows you the actual paper copies of the results because, well, liars lie.
And don''t feel badly about not trusting him. He hasn''t earned one bit of trust right now and won''t until after months of trustworthy actions. The bank is empty. Don''t feel pressured about having to make a firm decision about R. You can take all the time you need. If his A is a deal-breaker for you, then so be it. He chose the action, he has to accept the consequence. But don''t feel that you HAVE to make a final decision until you know that it''s correct for you. I promised that I would not divorce for a year, with the kickout clause that if it got too hard or if horrible new things came to light, I would re-evaluate that. And I didn''t promise to stay after a year, only that I would not make an impulsive decision before then. This was solely for me so that I knew that I gave R a fair try. But you certainly dont have to do that.
Be kind to yourself. You need and deserve kindness right now. (((hugs)))