Just Found Out
User Topic: contacting obs
New Member
Member # 38850
Default  Posted: 3:31 PM, April 29th (Monday)

I have a strong urge to contact the wife of my WW's AP. I have all of her contact info (she has a child in the same grade/school as mine---nice!)
My IC says that's "venturing off my side of the street" in 12-step parlance. Trusted friends say I have no idea what's going on over there and no idea what I might be starting/getting into. Not my business.
I'm 99% sure she knows at least that he cheated if not the particulars of with whom. Emails indicate that he told his W and they began separation/divorce. He broke it off with my W because she wouldn't do the same. He even gave my W a reference to his divorce attorney and custody mediator and a sample of their informal custody agreement to use when my wife moved out (too late/after he'd moved on to other women).
So, I think I would be doing it for the following reasons: to fill in any blanks for me and for her. For possible commiseration. Just to make sure everybody is being held entirely accountable.
Assuming she does know, is there any merit to going down that path?

Posts: 12 | Registered: Mar 2013
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 5:40 PM, April 29th (Monday)

I''d do it. To see about filling in blanks and to make sure of accountability. Now, she may not want to talk to you in which case, you need to respect that. However I sure would reach out. If you do, don''t tell your WW that you''re going to do it. Just do it.

Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012

Posts: 4935 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Member # 27071
Default  Posted: 9:24 PM, April 29th (Monday)

Sure wish someone had told me ! Why wouldn't an uninformed BS want to know ? Don't you wish someone had told you ? Tell. In my case, the bimbo's betrayed husband and I answered a LOT of questions for one another. Nearly 3 years later and we still talk occasionally. Tell. It's not much different than telling someone their house is on fire / again, wouldn't you want to be told ?

BW: 59
XH: 60
Married 34 yrs, LIBerated: 2/17/11
MOW: 50 (she said she wanted a sugar daddy; xh said, "I'M HIM!")
Actions ALWAYS have consequences. Too bad cheaters don't consider the consequences BEFORE they create so much damage.

Posts: 510 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Missouri & Massachusetts
Member # 38135
Default  Posted: 9:34 PM, April 29th (Monday)

Tell. In my case, the bimbo's betrayed husband and I answered a LOT of questions for one another.

Same! Knowledge is power. My WH and that bimbo kept all of us in the dark for years while they carried on their disgusting and selfish relationship.

OBS and I are finally in a position to make life decisions based on reality instead of false love and split affection and cruel deceit.

Please tell.

♪I'm not fine; I'm in pain
It's harder every day ~ Maroon 5♫

BS:45 WH:47 needhelp123
8yr EA&PA w/MCOW emp/frmr emp
19y M * 25y T, 2 teens
DDay 12/31/12*5w TT
Sick tired sad

Posts: 273 | Registered: Jan 2013
Member # 34195
Default  Posted: 9:37 PM, April 29th (Monday)

I would do it... but only if using Skan's excellent format.

The most important being that she may not want to talk to you... or worse... even lash out at you as another cause for all her troubles. Just be hyper aware of that and prepared to back off if needed.

Me-BH Her-XWW | B/ 59 on D-day (11/17/11) | D final on 10/1/13 I'm Lovin' life again!
Rest of the story really doesn't matter any more.
“Realize deeply that the present moment is all you have.” ― Eckhart Tolle

Posts: 904 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Midwest
New Member
Member # 38991
Default  Posted: 11:32 PM, April 29th (Monday)

I did it several times, He was very glad I gave him all of the info on what his wife and my husband did. He had no idea she had another phone. She just kept denying everything, She claimed she did not do anything with him except call him, What a lair. Have no idea what they are up to now, haven't talked to him in 3 months, Don't care what they are doing. I still wish her dead.

You're the first person who broke my heart, For the rest of my life, you will always be the one who hurt me the most. Don't ever forget that.

Posts: 26 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Hell
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 11:57 PM, April 29th (Monday)

Pardon me, but
My IC says that's "venturing off my side of the street" in 12-step parlance.

Your IC is wrong in this instance. Probably even telling you. you need to start letting this go. BS and I'm referring to Bovine Fecal Matter. From a purely physical standpoint, both HPV and HIV may lay dormant and undetectable for years. Condoms(if used, and I've not seen one here yet that they were used) offer little protection from some STD's, esp. HPV. She will be able to help confirm quantity/duration. She may be able to 'keep an eye out for further contact. She has a right to know. Don't assume anything.

In short, there are too many upsides to telling her.


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2992 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Member # 38681
Default  Posted: 12:07 AM, April 30th (Tuesday)

Hi you should contact the OBS.
She has a right to know.
Don't tell your WW that your going to out it.
Be a gentle messenger and see if you can get all the answers.

BH 33
FWW 32
DS: 3 year old.
Dday 10/14/2012
No remorse so:
Divorced 02/15/2013. No alimony, no CS, got apartment. Won all battles and mind games off the courts.

Posts: 294 | Registered: Mar 2013
Topic Posts: 8