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Divorce/Separation
User Topic: I'm ready for the beating. Get out the 2x4's.
CheaterMagnet
Member
Member # 33581
Default  Posted: 4:14 PM, April 29th (Monday)

Well, I didn't take the condo. SAWH paid half for my car and if I were to leave it would leave him kind of screwed financially for next month. Plus, paying my half of the car left me a little iffy also.

We talked this morning. I asked him what he wanted. He doesn't seem to mind us living as roommates. I told him it was killing me and all I wanted was for him to start working a program and doing some reading about SA. IF he were to do those things, I would be willing to stay and work on us. He didn't commit, but admitted that he needs to at least go back to AA. I told him that the longer he stays away, the more his behavior deteriorates. He agreed.

I don't think he has much hope for us either. I quite frankly, have a hard time seeing any emotion out of him at all. All he will admit to is he hates to see ME so sad.

So, I am still doing in house for another month. By then my apartment should be ready and that is much cheaper than the condo and MUCH closer to work (same building).

On a side note, I had a weird epiphany this weekend. It was that in my whole life no one has EVER stood up for me. Been loyal to ME. Ever. Not even my own family. I wonder what it is about me that causes people to not want to defend me or protect me. I honestly don't think I am an awful person. My sperm donor disowned me when I was 17 and told my brother and sister that I wasn't his kid. (not true) No one fought for me. My brother and sister still had a relationship with him for YEARS. My brother even brought him to my house! I slammed the door in their faces. When my sister and I told our Grandmother that our uncle had abused us as children (we were trying to protect his young daughter) she got mad and blamed us for breaking up the family. She cut ME off for years. NOT my sister. Even though my sister was the one who told. When pigfucker cheated on me, my brothers initially took HIS side. His good Christian Mother gave them 30k to buy a house (PF and OW)! When I found out about SAWH's A I found out that he had been complaining about me to my Mom and SHE told him to divorce me!!!! She denies that of course.

I just feel so alone. I don't think I ask for much from people. I try to be a good person. I try to be honest and authentic.

I'm rambling. I'm just so tired and defeated.


If Happy Ever After did exist, I would still be holding you like this.
All those fairly tales are full of shit.
One more fucking love song I'll be sick. ~ Maroon 5

Posts: 1025 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Kailua-Kona, HI
Kajem
Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 4:21 PM, April 29th (Monday)

No Beating here... just hugs,

((((((Cheatermagnet)))))))

When you are done, you'll be done. Till then you're not done.

We aren't going anywhere, and will be here when you need us.

It sounds like you are doing your best to be financially responsible and not reacting emotionally to the situation. That's a good start to taking care of you as long as you pay attention to your emotional side. It sounds like you are doing just that.

We'll be here when you need us...

More hugs,

K

[This message edited by Kajem at 4:26 PM, April 29th (Monday)]


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5017 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
Pass
Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 4:32 PM, April 29th (Monday)

There's absolutely nothing wrong with you, CM. If nobody has ever stood up for you before, it's because you're surrounded by arseholes.

I don't know why they do it, but it is their issue, not yours.

Take care.


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 1833 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Ottawa, Ontario, Canada
5454real
Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 4:57 PM, April 29th (Monday)

39k got your back now!


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2725 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Holly-Isis
Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 6:16 PM, April 29th (Monday)

From the outside it looks like you've never been stood up for because the people in your life are incredibly broken. Well adjusted people don't say and do the things you shared here.

Focus on your healing and understanding your issues and you will begin to surround yourself with more emotionally healthy peopl- who will have your back.


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11133 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
CheaterMagnet
Member
Member # 33581
Default  Posted: 6:49 PM, April 29th (Monday)

Thank you all. I know I have a fucked up family. They are so toxic I sometimes think I should own a hazmat suit for family gatherings.

However, almost 2 years ago I moved 3,000 miles away and have pretty much cut off contact with all of them. We "like" each others pictures on FB but there isn't any interaction.

Funny, my Mom worked for me for a few years. Then my sister got gravely ill and was on life support. My Mom rushed to her side. I continued to pay her her full salary for 3 months. Then she quit to take care of my sister full time (her recovery took almost a year). My Mom sold her house and had about $12,500 in cash.

A couple of months later, SAWH and I hit a financial pothole and needed a little help to keep our car from being repossessed. So, I asked my Mom for a short term loan. She said No. After I had paid her her full salary for 3 months while doing her work and mine. She couldn't help me out once. Oh, and did I mention I was still paying for her cell phone at the time!! I haven't spoken to her since. She thinks I am being vindictive. I think I am just cutting down on toxic substances. Oh, and I forgot to mention that by this time my Mom had moved in with my brother and his family. Now they are constantly strapped for cash because they don't manage their money well and they are constantly spending money they can't afford on their kids activities. So anyway, my Mom is now living with them and what do they do? They move into a new fancy house. And my niece suddenly has a shiny new red car. Where do you all think the $$ for that came from??? Oh riiiiight. The money fairy must have stopped by. But she can't help me keep my fucking car.

Anyway, all this leaves me with no family, no support system except long distance friends. They have their own issues, so I try not to whinge on about my life.

It just gets so lonely sometimes.

Thank you all. I do feel your hugs.

[This message edited by CheaterMagnet at 6:52 PM, April 29th (Monday)]


If Happy Ever After did exist, I would still be holding you like this.
All those fairly tales are full of shit.
One more fucking love song I'll be sick. ~ Maroon 5

Posts: 1025 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Kailua-Kona, HI
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 6:51 PM, April 29th (Monday)

(((((HUGS))))

I'm making a new life for myself that includes people I can trust. Now you have that opportunity, too!


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9530 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Ashland13
Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 7:05 PM, April 29th (Monday)

HI CM,

I have this too.

Part of your post hit home, the word "authentic". That's me to a T and what I'm learning from the A and Perv is that it doesn't pay to be that way and do everything right.

I'm also not going to be dependent on anyone at all when I can possibly help it, for this is something that bit me, too.

I feel exactly like you do and have always been a person people stomp on. So I no longer take sh and stick up for myself, no matter who it is I'm dealing with. People don't like that but after the dust settles from a skirmish, I feel better about myself and about changing the image people had of me.

Some of your post sounds like me, you sound like a people pleaser and in that we lose ourselves...that happened to me for 20 years. I don't even know who I am now.

So I will send hugs and wish you well and agree with the post about filling our lives with different people.

I found after missing my family and then having them hurt me on a really expensive trip I just took, that sometimes being alone is safer than chancing opening ourselves up to more pain. Even in my suffering, my NPD sister competed with me and my mother argues my parenting and wishes or needs and in front of DD so that I feel I have no rights as a parent or person. They were supposed to be my moral support and were able to make panic attacks instead.


Yes, I understand what you are saying and the other part I'm told by counselors is self esteem.

I wish you luck for a better tomorrow and soem way to not let him hurt you.

I'm glad you made the decision about your car and hope the apartment will be good. I am probably facing that decision too, as we could lose the house financially and Perv is changing his tune about paying the mortgage so we can stay here.


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2204 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
dmari
Member
Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 7:24 PM, April 29th (Monday)

No 2x4's necessary at all! I agree one billion percent (is there such a thing?) with what Holly-Isis said. I wanted to add that broken people unfortunately take advantage/granted of good people like you. Hugs!!!


Me (BS): 42 Children: DD 18, DS 15
Settled at mediation
Officially divorced ... SOON!

Posts: 2146 | Registered: Oct 2012
torn2bits
Member
Member # 28376
Default  Posted: 7:44 PM, April 29th (Monday)

(((CM))))

We are here for you. I know how hard it is when you have to see him each day.

You are worth fighting for! Our SI family will be here for you. Please take care of YOU.

You only get one life, one time at today! Make it yours.


Me: 44/WH (SA): 49
M: 24 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce pending

Posts: 1240 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
Grace and Flowers
Member
Member # 34431
Default  Posted: 9:33 PM, April 29th (Monday)

CM,
I get it. I learned at a very young age that no one would ever "stand up" for me. Took me years to stop wanting them to.

You ARE worth fighting for. Once I took control of my life, I found peace. I found my power, my strength. You will, too.


I'm Happy, not Sad!

Posts: 1159 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: US
fraeuken
Member
Member # 30742
Default  Posted: 12:02 AM, April 30th (Tuesday)

(((Hugs)))) from down the road. Sent you a PM.


Temporarily independent with the whole world at my feet.

Posts: 1247 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: California
nolight
Member
Member # 32785
Default  Posted: 6:19 AM, April 30th (Tuesday)

We have to do things by our own timeline, there's no judgement here take care of yourself

Posts: 480 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Hawaii
Holly-Isis
Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 7:13 AM, April 30th (Tuesday)

Even when we recognize our unhealthy backgrounds we tend to pick people who injure us in the same way over and over. Then it becomes a "life commandment".

"I am unlovable"
"I don't deserve support"
"I get abandoned"

It's not until we deal with our issues that we can fix our pickers and surround ourselves with healthier people.


Autobiography in Five Short Chapters

Chapter 1

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost ... I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter 2

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place.
But it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter 3

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in ... it's a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

Chapter 4

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

Chapter 5

I walk down another street.

~ Portia Nelson ~

(There's a Hole in My Sidewalk)



"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11133 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
Ashland13
Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 10:40 AM, April 30th (Tuesday)

CM,

It sounds like you're doing something that I and some relatives who are also divorced did in their processes.

It's been my experience after DDay that I question not only things he did but the world and everything about myself...my future, but also my past, present and all the people in it.

Nothing gets by me without being questioned and I don't reply to anything someone says without turning it over a few times. Prior to the A I was a little bit automatic. Not that I took things for granted, but it seems like we see and react to life in different ways afterward.

This experience is causing me to question everything about my life.

I was reading again your post and thinking that sure, the longer he stays away, the longer he may not be concentrating on you and R but other things and it seems logical that it would change how he behaves.


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2204 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Jada52
Member
Member # 38984
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, April 30th (Tuesday)

We are basically roommates as well. It is breaking my heart to go to bed alone knowing he is in the guest room.

((((hugs)))) to you.


Silly Slut, husbands are for wives - get your own man B*tch!

Posts: 114 | Registered: Apr 2013
Topic Posts: 16