Wayward Side
User Topic: I am such a jackass
New Member
Member # 39010
Stop  Posted: 9:14 PM, April 29th (Monday)

I leave for 3 months training this weekend. My BS was going with me. For the weekend anyway. I told her in no uncertain terms that I didn't want her to go with me. I'm planning on staying in a hotel for that weekend. I've been thinking about things, and decided I need to decompress. The OW lives in the same city. I can understand her concerns, but I really need some time alone. When she told me she wanted to go, I became angry, and let her know this. Not nicely I might add. I really need time alone to work things out. I am NC with the OW. I feel really remorseful and I regret the A. How can I convince her that I need the "me" time?

Posts: 23 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Jack317
Member # 29972
Default  Posted: 9:45 PM, April 29th (Monday)

You on 4/18:
I wish I could take her with me!

Me: WS (52)
Him: Shards (47)
D-day: June 6, 2010
Last voluntary AP contact: June 23, 2010
NC Letter sent: 3/9/11

Digging our way through.

Posts: 308 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: Turning the corner.
Member # 32428
Default  Posted: 10:03 PM, April 29th (Monday)

You're getting three months of "me" time. Why can't you give her a weekend?

ETA - the training is in the place the OW lives? Not cool. How will you make your BW feel safe? Is there a way out of this training? This will not be good for R.

[This message edited by longroadhome at 10:52 PM, April 29th (Monday)]

Me: WH
Her: BW, and the most amazing, beautiful person I've ever known

It is counterintuitive really... the less we defend our well-being, the more well we feel. ~ Nancy Colier

Posts: 547 | Registered: Jun 2011
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 11:16 PM, April 29th (Monday)

I'm not sure this.
I feel really remorseful and I regret the A

Matches this
How can I convince her that I need the "me" time?

FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

I edit often because I make a lot of typos. ☺️

Posts: 1503 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
Member # 29447
Default  Posted: 4:45 AM, April 30th (Tuesday)

So let me get this straight. You are staying in a hotel this weekend in the th town the OW lived in and you have told your wife (not in a nice way) that you do not want her to come with you?

You are looking for support on how to convince her you need some 'me' time? Honestly, I can't believe that you can't see how messed up that is. This shortly after DDay, if I were to bring up the same scenario, I would have been given D papers. I would then have all the free time I wanted.

Your tone implies (and I hope I'm wrong) that your wife coming along would put a damper on plans you have already made. Maybe not specific plans, but scenarios you have played out in your head. For instance, "bumping" into the OW, having time with the boys out a bar, getting drunk enough to call OW for a little "closure". None of these things are conducive to R.

You are clearly thinking of only yourself here. Anyone who truly wants to R would understand how uncomfortable this situation would be for the BS. They would do what they could to comfort their BS and avoid the appearance of impropriety at all costs.

You are doing the exact opposite. And for your BW that is concerning.

Me: WS 42
Him: BH 43(HoldingTogether)
M: 18years, together 22
2 Daughters: 13 and 10
D Day: 7/24/2010; TT to 10/17/10
If you keep asking people to give you the benefit of the doubt, they will eventually start to doubt your benefit.

Posts: 741 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
New Member
Member # 38845
Default  Posted: 5:27 AM, April 30th (Tuesday)

Looking at the post, it seems that the A was just recently discovered. If that is the case. There is no room for "me" time. We have had our "me" time with other people. Now our spouses need us. I am graduating from nursing school. I have missed exams and banquets to honor my achievements. All my choice because my H needed me. This is a time you you and your spouse to be together and reconnect There is no room for us to be angry or irritated when they want to be with us. I had an A when I went back home to visit my family. Personally I would not want to go back there without my H. Especially right now. That would be devastating to him and our recovery. I have to agree with WalkinOnEggshelz, you may not have specific plans, but you may have hope of seeing the OW. That is how I would have thought. I am exhausted. I am beat down. I feel worthless at times. I would love some "me" time. I would love to sit in a room somewhere, watch tv, listen to music, and eat something awesome and not have to wonder what questions my H is going to ask me when he gets home. I would not like to have to watch what i say, or do, or watch or listen too because it may be a trigger to him. It is just not possible right now, and I am ok with that. I did this. I caused this and these emotions. Own it!!! I am sorry but this whole situation is wrong and you were a jackass. If I were her, I wouldnt trust you based on your actions. And you might need to question yourself

Posts: 12 | Registered: Mar 2013
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 6:42 AM, April 30th (Tuesday)

There is no way you can convince your BW that you need "me" time...especially while you are alone in a hotel in the same town as the OW. Do you see how f'ed up that is?

What exactly do you need to work out? Why do you need to decompress? What would you be doing during this "me" weekend? Would you be holed up in the hotel? wandering through town? hoping to accidently run into the OW? Are you going to hit a bar?

Your BW is probably triggering huge right now thinking that you 1) you don't want her and 2) that you would rather be spending time alone in the same town as the OW than be with your BW before your three month leave of absence...

WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6099 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
New Member
Member # 39010
Default  Posted: 7:06 AM, April 30th (Tuesday)

I'm a jerk. I see that now. Thanks to everyone who has offered advice! I didn't realize just how much this was affecting my BS till now. I have asked her to go with me again, and am hoping she'll agree. Sometimes it take being called out on something to understand how our actions affect others!

Posts: 23 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Jack317
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 8:54 AM, April 30th (Tuesday)

You can make changes. There is being called out and then there is being shown the reality of your way of thinking. Sometimes getting others perspectives really helps. More often than not it is people other than our SO's who can make us see what is going on with our thinking. If we could learn to listen to and be more aware of jow our BS sees us rather tan worry about how strangers see us, things wojld be a lot better for everyone.

Stay the course. Figure out why you thought your needs would outweigh the needs of your BS at this time after d-day.

WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6099 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
New Member
Member # 38845
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, April 30th (Tuesday)

I know how hard it is to put your feelings aside. I wonder sometimes does anyone care about my feelings and how hard this is for me. Then i think about what I did. Even though this is hard for me, it does not compare to what my spouse is going through. I am glad you changed your mine. I am not sure if you are in IC, but it can help with your personal feelings.

Posts: 12 | Registered: Mar 2013
Member # 39035
Default  Posted: 12:28 PM, April 30th (Tuesday)

It's not about you right now. How has me time been for you in the past? If your not careful you just might get a xxl serving of me time. I am searching for anyway possible to be involved in bs's life or show her what she needs,wants for any reason is what I want for her. Do you want r?.

[This message edited by Apple3point14 at 12:33 PM, April 30th (Tuesday)]

Posts: 81 | Registered: Apr 2013
Member # 35025
Default  Posted: 3:47 PM, April 30th (Tuesday)

Jack, go back and read your various posts. You need to stop saying you are remorseful, I get that you are regretting you got busted but that is as far as that goes for you. Read your posts, even the thread "We had a major breakthrough" was about how YOU felt so wonderful that you got a kiss. Or how emotionally drained you are.

It is impossible to be remorseful with our heads lodged so far up our own ass that daylight only comes when we yawn.

Also, need to stop with the self flagellation "I'm a jerk" I'm a jackass", there are some really smart people on the board and they can figure that stuff out pretty quick on their own. Many of us use that as a way to either deflect from the issue or gather ego kibbles from people coming in to pat you on the back.

Why am I layin down some wood? Because that is what got me started on a healthy path and maybe it can work for you. You are the common denominator in all your problems so focus on you. Without the need for "me time", or getting passive aggressive with the triggers your BH has and get real with yourself. Good luck

[This message edited by hardlessons at 3:47 PM, April 30th (Tuesday)]

Wife Tired Girl
3 adult sons
"a wayward...annnnd just a tad betrayed."

Posts: 880 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Arizona
Member # 15122
Default  Posted: 4:08 PM, April 30th (Tuesday)

Good info on this thread Jack. I would follow it to a T.

Remorse..Honey I know that I am going into the same city as OW. If you like I will try to get out of it..If i cannot..i would like you to come so YOU won't have to worry or trigger about this.

Regret... Honey I know that I am going into the same city as OW. I know that you don't like this, however I need to be alone to not face how much I have hurt you....*and possibly bump into OW while I'm there*

Regret is what your BS hears when you make a decision like that. I am glad you changed your thinking on this.

The simplest thing can be the hardest thing to do....FRM

Posts: 2537 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Florida
Topic Posts: 13