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User Topic: Would you date a pastor?
EvenKeel
Member
Member # 24210
Question  Posted: 9:31 AM, April 30th (Tuesday)

Started talking to a OLD guy and it turns out he is pastor. We have just been doing casual emails at this point.

He is D with kiddos.

Anyway - has anyone here dated a pastor or would you? I know the dynamics would be different in some aspects than the average OLD guys (ie Like, I wouldn't expect this one to ask for my undies.... )

Just trying to think of the pros/cons before I dip my toes too far.

You guys are always so wise at looking at all the angles.

Thanks!


Eyes are useless if the mind is blind.


Posts: 2185 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Pa
h0peless
Member
Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, April 30th (Tuesday)

My Mom's husband is a pastor and if you are interested in the guy and he is a pastor at a church, you need to keep in mind that "pastor's wife" is a lifestyle that can be pretty difficult.

My sister's partner is a pastor too but she is a chaplain at a hospital. It isn't much different from any other job with weird hours.


Posts: 1755 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Baja Arizona
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 9:58 AM, April 30th (Tuesday)

I would date a pastor. I don't think I'd marry one. I am not who you'd want as a pastor's wife.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9856 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
EvenKeel
Member
Member # 24210
Default  Posted: 9:59 AM, April 30th (Tuesday)

you need to keep in mind that "pastor's wife" is a lifestyle that can be pretty difficult.

This is what I am thinking about. My own pastor's wife told me a long time ago that she had a heck of a time adjusting to being a pastor's wife. When they married, he was a farmer. Later on he got his calling and went on to be a pastor. She said she kept thinking this was not what she signed up for (or expected) when she married him. She battled bouts of depression for years and almost left him over it.


Eyes are useless if the mind is blind.


Posts: 2185 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Pa
EvenKeel
Member
Member # 24210
Default  Posted: 10:01 AM, April 30th (Tuesday)

I am not who you'd want as a pastor's wife.

I get what you are saying. Part of me thinks that too about myself.


Eyes are useless if the mind is blind.


Posts: 2185 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Pa
stupidstupidme
Member
Member # 11888
Default  Posted: 10:14 AM, April 30th (Tuesday)

No, but then again, I highly doubt he'd want to date me.


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19738 | Registered: Aug 2006
Newlease
Member
Member # 7767
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, April 30th (Tuesday)

Since I'm an agnostic, I doubt that a pastor would want to date me. I would, for sure, suck at being a pastor's wife.

NL


Even if you can't control the world around you, you are still the master of your own soul.

Posts: 7751 | Registered: Aug 2005
Amazonia
Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, April 30th (Tuesday)

My dad is a pastor. I briefly dated (maybe 4-5 dates?) a pastor last fall. Nice guy. I'm very deeply religious.

I think my biggest problem was our differences in theology. I'm a very opinionated person with very well informed views. He was comfortable with that, and with the differences between what we believed, but it wouldn't have gone over well with his congregation if I'd been vocal about what I believe (none of it was "salvation level" differences, just "theology" kwim?)

I also wouldn't mold well into the pastor's wife role, but then, I saw my mom buck the trend my entire life, and my dad has always been really intentional about not letting her be forced into a role that doesn't fit her. She doesn't help out at church in ANY of the traditional ways, because those aren't her gifts.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13811 | Registered: Jul 2011
GabyBaby
Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, April 30th (Tuesday)

Ditto Newlease.
I wouldnt date a pastor (or anyone deeply religious) because long-term (raising kids, etc) I can see conflicts coming up where my lack of religious beliefs could be a dealbreaker.


Me - 42
SorryInSac (WH#2) - 47. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - Stick a fork in me...

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW) - Legally married 18yrs

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Posts: 6587 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
Ashland13
Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 11:38 AM, April 30th (Tuesday)

I think it would depend on the pastor.

Like, how he deals or responds to things...

What does he/she expect of a person they date/marry?

What are they like? There are so many different kinds but all are people underneath the collar.

Working in churches all my life and in different areas has helped me see that pastors and priests are really just people.

However, I do understand the idea of the pastor's wife and that post and the pressures there could be.

I also think it's really good that you are thinking about it, EvenKeel, and not just dismissing the idea because of a person's vocation.

I've also known many different kinds of pastors and priests, with many different personalities.


Ashland 13

You gave me nothing and now it's all I've got - Bono

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2306 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Sad in AZ
Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, April 30th (Tuesday)

We would have some 'interesting' conversations... and I love interesting conversations.

It depends on what he's into dating for--if it's just for companionship, yes, but if he were looking for a mate, it would probably not be a good match because

1)I'm spiritual but have no religion.
2) I think religions are the root of all evil
3) At this point, I don't intend to ever marry again


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20317 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
EvenKeel
Member
Member # 24210
Default  Posted: 1:03 PM, April 30th (Tuesday)

and my dad has always been really intentional about not letting her be forced into a role that doesn't fit her.

My own pastor's wife was like this too. She would often say the "Pastor's wife's expections" were more all in her head. That our congregation was very open to her ways and never expected what she thought they would out of her.

I think it would depend on the pastor.
Like, how he deals or responds to things...

What does he/she expect of a person they date/marry?

What are they like? There are so many different kinds but all are people underneath the collar.

We are very early into the emailing stage so I am still getting a feel of things.

However, he asked in one of the first emails if I would ever remarry. He said he is almost 50 and while has ever intent of going through all the stages of dating....he is dating with the intent to remarry someday.

I have done some internet perusing and while it appears he was a senior pastor in the past, he is currently solely in charge of the music program at this current church. So I don't think he is dealing with a full-fledge pastor role at this current time.

At some point, I plan to get the details. IE Was this his end goal (more music based) or is his goal to go back to running a church again, etc?

Meanwhile, I am thinking about me. Although VERY premature, it is better to think it through now.

My GF says I always date people that are "safe". Like they live further away, etc. I had to chuckle when I realized he was into ministry because how much safer could you be.

[This message edited by EvenKeel at 1:05 PM, April 30th (Tuesday)]


Eyes are useless if the mind is blind.


Posts: 2185 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Pa
Sad in AZ
Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, April 30th (Tuesday)

how much safer could you be

Don't kid yourself; there are freaks in every profession. Not to denigrate the good pastors out there, but we've had several BSs on this site who were M to cheating pastors.


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20317 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
million pieces
Member
Member # 27539
Default  Posted: 2:28 PM, April 30th (Tuesday)

how much safer could you be

Don't kid yourself; there are freaks in every profession. Not to denigrate the good pastors out there, but we've had several BSs on this site who were M to cheating pastors.

The closest I've come to be sexually assaulted was the pastor at my church.


Me - 42
2 kids, 9 and 12
D-Day 2/5/10, separated 3 wks later
Divorced 11/15/11!!!!

Posts: 1271 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: MD
h0peless
Member
Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 2:36 PM, April 30th (Tuesday)

I had to chuckle when I realized he was into ministry because how much safer could you be

My Mom's relationship started as an affair. He was married too. My Dad considered him to be his best friend. "Wolves in sheep's clothing" comes to mind.

[This message edited by h0peless at 2:37 PM, April 30th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 1755 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Baja Arizona
cryingdaily
Member
Member # 7276
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, April 30th (Tuesday)

No, no, no and no. But only because religion and I don't see eye to eye on much of anything.

It would not be a match made in....heaven.


Me: BS 48
Him: Doesn't matter any more.
The Royal Court, formerly known as the Princess Posse:
DD31 - Belle
DD23 - Xena
GD10 - Jasmine
GD8 - Ariel
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Posts: 14400 | Registered: Jun 2005 | From: Massachusetts
7yrsflushed
Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 2:43 PM, April 30th (Tuesday)

My brothers in-laws are a Pastor family. The Father and sons are Pastors and are actually pretty big in the area. The stories he hears as "part" of the family now disturb me to no end. The number of Pastors that cheat, steal, manipulate, etc is astounding. Then again it's probably no different then any other profession.

My point is just remember that preachers/pastors/religious leaders are human beings as well and prone to making mistakes, bouts of hypocrisy, sinning, and everything else just like the "rest of us". I am positive their are some "genuine" good and great Pastors out there just as in other professions but don't assume a Godly person is a good person. At the end of the day he/she is still just a man/woman.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Divorced 9/2/14 and loving life!

Posts: 1914 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
EvenKeel
Member
Member # 24210
Default  Posted: 3:34 PM, April 30th (Tuesday)

You guys are right. I definitely should not let down any defenses "JUST" because of his profession.

Ironically, "I" am the one that told my cousin to be careful on the christian OLD site because that is where I found the creepers at.

I am very interested to hear how his marriage ended....both him and his wife were in that profession, etc. But too soon to ask.


Eyes are useless if the mind is blind.


Posts: 2185 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Pa
EvenKeel
Member
Member # 24210
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, April 30th (Tuesday)

Ohhh and someone else told me that anyone in that profession has people coming on to them all the time. Whodathunk it


Eyes are useless if the mind is blind.


Posts: 2185 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Pa
cmego
Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 4:08 PM, April 30th (Tuesday)

My very first "love", the first person I feel head over heels for...went into the ministry.

We dated off and on for years, never quite making it work. One weekend, after college, I went to visit him. We had a serious discussion about the future and I told him I would not make a very good "pastor's wife". I was raised Agnostic and my views are not mainstream. I remember his reply, "I'm looking for the perfect wife for ME, not a 'pastors wife'". I just knew that it wouldn't work and we ended. He ended up marrying a teacher, also religious.

I don't think I would have functioned well as a pastors wife.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4187 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
kernel
Member
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 7:31 PM, April 30th (Tuesday)

No, I wouldn't date a pastor or anyone that was deeply religious, because I am not. I agree with Sad, I am spiritual but not religious - not in any way that would mesh with established religions. I'm not sure those are differences that can co-exist in a healthy relationship. I would be worried about expectations of changing my beliefs.

[This message edited by kernel at 7:32 PM, April 30th (Tuesday)]


"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good."

Posts: 5298 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
hurtinky
Member
Member # 26152
Default  Posted: 8:21 PM, April 30th (Tuesday)

I wouldn't. I'm Catholic and I just don't think it would be a good fit.


Me --> BS
D-Day 10-1988
D-Day 9-12-2005
S 9-13-2005
D 3-6-12



Posts: 1500 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Kentucky
purplejacket4
Member
Member # 34262
Default  Posted: 8:30 PM, April 30th (Tuesday)

I'd be as cautious dating a pastor as I would a politician. Both really put you into the limelight and everybody being in your business KWIM?

My father became a preacher and that was the catalyst that killed my parents marriage. My mom is a gigantic introvert and never forgave him for dragging her into that role.


Me: BS 45
Her: fWS 48 (same sex partner)
Together: 18 years now (both MDs)
OW: meh so what 40s PhD
DD1: 10/30/11EA; DD2: 11/10/11 Had ONS; TT until 12/26/11; broke NC 6/12; NC again 7/12; R-ish

Posts: 2261 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Great Southwest
Topic Posts: 23