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User Topic: Just Trying To Breath
OneFootForward
Member
Member # 39136
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, April 30th (Tuesday)

To be completely open I believe a little back story is in order. Back in 97, while in the Army, I married my wife... less than 5 months later I was deployed to a chemical destruction facility in the middle of the Pacific to guard an aging US Chemical Weapons stockpile. I honestly think about things a bit to much, and the smokestack pouring possible death out to any and all of the islands 2000+ population. My wife thought it would be good to send me something tasteful to read, and a subscription to an adult mag came to me monthly. I then discovered the endless supplies of Field Manuals (hard copy porn) or Training Videos (porn videos) on the island. They were traded like baseball cards. The activities on the island were porn, sex, alcohol, lifting weights, running, scuba and fishing. I picked up on lifting weights, scuba diving and porn.

I came back to the states @ 185 lbs, 13% Body Fat and addicted to porn. My wife thought the porn should stop since she was now available for that release, but I had become distant. The island put a number on my that took years to shake. I continued to watch porn online for years and years and years. She would find it, we would fight, I would quit, then I would go back to porn, she would find it, rinse, later repeat. This went on for about 10 years. Eventually, I had a apifiny/spiritual moment of clarity/etc. Four years ago I had a devotion in church about addiction and admitted my addiction to about 100 people (you could hear a pin drop) and my wife was in the room. I asked for their forgiveness as I had asked the Lord for my forgiveness for this terrible sin against my wife, me, etc. I gave the floor up to other though no one came forward. I then started getting asked about porn by people in church (a lot of people). I was not cast out on my ear, though a few people did treat me differently. I can live with that. Turns out though, my wife did not believe me (which I did not learn until recently).

Four years go by and our sex life is not great. Actually, nothing was great. I figured this is just suppose to be the way things are. I did some reading over Christmas (maybe a bit of mid life crisis too) and decided to make a serious change. In the bible it says we are suppose to love our wives sacrificially. I was in a "me first" mode in our relationship, not a her first mode. So I made some changes. Now, a lot of these changes probably came across as overt sexual advanced out of desperation (which some probably were) but my focus was on her needs, the best way I knew how. At the same time, my wife wanted to start hanging out with the girls. I did not like it but I am suppose to be about her needs. I game on the PC with friends why cant she hang out with her friends. About the 2nd week of February she had a mini breakdown. Asking how long I was going to act like this (the new me). I told her I did not know, but it would be as long as I was capable. I told her I could have been better in the past and I was making every effort to try. Signs then started to appear. She would hide her phone from me, shut down the lid of the laptop, laugh at text messages and not have a why and studded some non-sense reason I would not understand... then the biggie showed up. When I attempted to kiss her, she turned her head. She did this for a week. When I would hug her, she would attempt to squirm away. I confronted her about it, she said something was going on. It was just her. No reason, but she allowed me to kiss and hug her again... but I got a bad look when I did it.

I could feel something was terrible wrong, I was starting to lose sleep. Something was happening. I confronted her in the middle of March, and asked her if she still loved me. She said she did. I told her, if she were any other woman, I would think she was having an affair. But I told her, she was the best woman I could ever hope for... she was to good for that... for us... for our children.

She continued to hang out with her girlfriends every two to three weeks. I could not reach her on her cell or she could not hear me where they were. D-Day -1 she received a cell phone msg and I picked up the phone to bring it to her. It was from a guy and it said "I miss you :(" I started shaking and I asked her about it. She said it was some guy from church band since she had dropped it to work on her masters. That night while she was asleep I searched for this guy on the church directory, nothing.

D-Day (4/17/13)
I did a search, found him on FB and LinkedIn. He absolutely loved everything my wife did. I then hit the phone records online, she was averaging 1700 txt msgs and over 4 hours talk time a month on the phone, since January. Everything came into focus like a sledgehammer to the gut. I threw up in my trashcan at the office.

I called the number, he answered the phone with name from the text message. I asked him to be a gentleman and own up to it what he was going with my wife. He called me a few colorful four letter words and hung up. I called my wife and she, calmly, said she would meet me at home that night. I told her now. I left work and went home, shaking like a leaf.

I confronted her on the couch, she said they had started on Facebook and it went to txt messages. They had met twice but nothing happened. I was a basketcase. Me, Army Veteran, crying like a baby left out in the cold. She was SO calm. I then told her I had contacts and they were securing the txt msg logs for me. I would have them in the morning. I work with computers, skip tracing, phone companies and you can find all sorts of dirt... and she knew it. She turned white. She said she would leave and I could have the kids, she was ashamed. I asked her why she did not come forward, "She wanted to spare me from the pain."

After the kids were in bed we talked some more. They did meet twice, undressed each other and did some heavy petting. I asked her why she did not come clean when she had the chance, "She wanted to spare me from the pain." Like I was not in pain. We talked and I told her I could forgive her, if this was the whole truth. She said it was. I knew everything. Then she asked me what I was going to do with the text messages. I told her I did not trust her. I felt she was holding back. I was going to read them all and if she left out any details, I would find out.

She admitted having sext messages, she sent pictures and she had intercourse with him twice. "She wanted to spare me the pain." Where do they find this line?! Is there a Cheaters Anon they go to!? I could not stop crying, she left the room and turned the lights off on me. I started not to sleep or eat.

I started to eat again after 5 days, but I don't have an appetite. I go until I am exhausted and pray I do not have nightmares about him and her. I have thought about suicide (a permanent solution to temporary problem - I know) or taking something that would allow me to forget or sleep without dreams. That only allows you to escape the handcuffs for a short time, when you come to your senses... low and behold, they are still there.

She called off the affair on D-Day with him over the phone. He called back a few times, sent some text messages that day. Is it real? She says it is over?

In the time since then we have seen the pastor once and talked a great deal. I have the text messages, though I have only read a few of them. It turns out when I stopped using Porn, she did not believe me. When I told her she was the most beautiful woman in the world, I was just lying to get into her pants. I was nothing more than a Friend w/ Benefits we have kids with.

I found out some more in the days to follow. Turns out the sexual encounters were at his sister house, because he did not have a place of his own. My wife went out to eat with him twice. Out to eat wearing our ring! They txted about getting a house together, divorce... I feel like he is stalking me. I mean, him and my wife were sexting/texting in the morning while we were in bed, while she was at work, when she was fixing supper, when we were at relatives house, when we were at church, while watching tv, after making love... HE IS EVERYWHERE!!! When she leaves for work, is she really going? If she is going to the store, is he there too? If they want to contact they can through some unknown email or he can just give her a burner phone. Thinking about it is consuming me, like a wildfire across the prairie.

I could go over to his house, yes I know where he lives, and end him. Break every small bone in his body and make him feel an iota of the pain I feel. That would be a moment of righteousness for an untold amount of suffering (both money and jail time come to mind). Not going to do it. Nice warming fantasy, still not going to do it.

A few key words really send me for a loop: I miss you and spare me the pain seem to be the two right now. Cell phone calls or txt messages are hard to deal with too.

I don't think I can get enough air. It is like every breath is a quarter breath. Sure I can survive, but I am just spent. I read how other people have to deal with this for years and I just don't know how...

How can I feel like this for a year, when I don't want to feel like this today. It is like shell shock. I have been in the trenches so long getting shelled, even when the shelling stops I live in fear of the next one. Will it hit me? Is it going to pass overhead?

I just want to know the whole truth! I just want to know the ground can be solid again! I just want the pain to stop! Please! Please!


Me: 42 BS
Her: 41 EMA
Married: 16 years
D-Day#1: 04/17/13
D-Day#2: 05/8/13
Children: 9,5 (girls)
Om: High School Flame
"Marital problems doesn't make someone a cheater just like financial problems doesn't make someone a thief"

Posts: 71 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Mobile, AL
OneFootForward
Member
Member # 39136
Flame  Posted: 10:47 AM, April 30th (Tuesday)

BTW, I went and had the full battery of tests of STD last Saturday and my results came back negative. I have to go back in 60 and 90 days for AIDS. I have to wait for an outbreak for a Herpies test.

So i get to live thru the hell again in 60 and 90 days.


Me: 42 BS
Her: 41 EMA
Married: 16 years
D-Day#1: 04/17/13
D-Day#2: 05/8/13
Children: 9,5 (girls)
Om: High School Flame
"Marital problems doesn't make someone a cheater just like financial problems doesn't make someone a thief"

Posts: 71 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Mobile, AL
unarmbears
Member
Member # 7480
Default  Posted: 11:04 AM, April 30th (Tuesday)

You are right, just keep breathing. This is a tough blow. I hope you have had a chance to read in the healing library. You will find it in the yellow box on the upper left of the page. The FAQ section for betrayed spouses has a lot of wisdom there.

Healing is a process, there will be good days and bad days. We call it an emotional rollercoaster for a definite reason!

Do not let your wife blame you or your porn obsession for her own choice to stray from the marriage. That is the nugget of wisdom I will leave here with you. Try to eat, drink water, sleep and keep posting and reading here.


FBS-Me, 60
FWH-Him, 55
2 Sons 26 and 31
2 Daughters 29, 24 And 4 darling grandchildren!
"Love is an impulsive act, it's free. It's the story we tell about it afterward that's our poverty." Byron Katie

Posts: 4891 | Registered: Jun 2005 | From: From where the trees lean east...
OneFootForward
Member
Member # 39136
Default  Posted: 12:09 PM, April 30th (Tuesday)

Clarification - "In the time since then we have seen the pastor once and talked a great deal. I have the text messages, though I have only read a few of them. It turns out when I stopped using Porn, she did not believe me. When I told her she was the most beautiful woman in the world, I was just lying to get into her pants. I was nothing more than a Friend w/ Benefits we have kids with. "

She thought I was still using porn. She thought I was just saying she is most beautiful women in the world. She thought I was doing all this just to get into her pants. She thought our relationship had come to down to Friends with Benefits.

This is not what I thought or did. I don't use porn. She still is the most beautiful woman in the world.

You do not walk down the aisle "for better or worse" with a BFF!


Me: 42 BS
Her: 41 EMA
Married: 16 years
D-Day#1: 04/17/13
D-Day#2: 05/8/13
Children: 9,5 (girls)
Om: High School Flame
"Marital problems doesn't make someone a cheater just like financial problems doesn't make someone a thief"

Posts: 71 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Mobile, AL
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, April 30th (Tuesday)

Hey there. I''m sorry that you have the reason to find this site, but I''m glad that you found us for support.

So she didn''t believe you stopped your porn use. Well, what were her options? She could have investigated, just like you did when you suspected her of an A. She could have confronted you. She could have demanded proof by getting access to all of your electronic devices, heck, she could have insisted that you give her your cell phone and computer. She could have separated from you. She could have divorced you. All of these are sensable and understandable reactions. Honorable reactions.

Instead she emulated that US Chemical Weapons stockpile''s smokestack and went one further. She actually threw a bomb into your marriage. And you are the person reaping the fallout, as also will your children.

Sorry. The belief that your spouse is doing X does not mean that your justified in screwing someone else. That was a decision that she made alone. She needs to own that. Her reasoning was invalid, but even if you were watching Cunny Connie and her 5 Performing Pekanese every night, the proper action would have been to separate or end the marriage. Not go out and become a connie herself. That''s ALL on her.

I''m so sorry. Please, keep posting, please read the Healing Library, and keep coming back for support. We got your back.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4727 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
OneFootForward
Member
Member # 39136
Default  Posted: 4:53 PM, April 30th (Tuesday)

I asked her two things today. 1 - A complete timeline of events on paper. I told her I needed her to write down on the paper what was important. I should not have to ask.
2- I told her no intimate relations for at least a month.

She then got mad, said she did not need sex and when we were together it was love. I told her I understood, by semantics aside it would just confuse the issue. I wanted us to "date" and get to know each other again. She then said, via txt, "I'll write the letter for you. We'll talk about whatever you need to talk about. I'll be there for you when you need me. Emotionally." I felt like I wanted to shoot myself.

I just want someone to give me some answers. Tell me what I should do to make all this pain stop. Instead it feels like I am digging a deeper hole.


Me: 42 BS
Her: 41 EMA
Married: 16 years
D-Day#1: 04/17/13
D-Day#2: 05/8/13
Children: 9,5 (girls)
Om: High School Flame
"Marital problems doesn't make someone a cheater just like financial problems doesn't make someone a thief"

Posts: 71 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Mobile, AL
OneFootForward
Member
Member # 39136
Default  Posted: 10:00 AM, May 1st (Wednesday)

I asked my wife to write me out a timeline of everything important, back to the beginning. She asked how far? I said the beginning. She want she wanted me to ask her specifics, and I told her no. If she thought it was important, write it down. If she thought, I thought, it was important, write it down. I wanted a document to point to as a ending/beginning. I told her this was her chance to come clean of everything. I did not want something to come up later. I would not be a victim of trickle or gas lighting. If something was to appear, if she wanted to use some excuse... fini. This may sound pretty harsh, I don't know. I know I have never cried this much in my entire life. I have never hurt so much as I hurt right now. At least if you are being tortured (I have had some SEAR training) the bad guy will let up to get info. The bad guy will offer you something to end the pain. Even if that something is death. There is no out. I does not stop! I thought I was strong. I am not. This one thing has crippled me.

She wrote me a VERY long letter back to the inception of our marriage. It really felt like a big this is why I did it letter and a lot of it was pointing at my failings. Which I will readily admit, there were a lot of. The Om contacted her two years ago, though nothing happened. He then vanished. Turns out he was did a year in prison and a year in a mental institution, or something to that effect. As soon as he gets back, he starts contacting her again (this is Jan 2013). They FB messaged, emailed, txt messaged and then starting sexting. She went over to his house the first time and it "just happened." She swept her off her feet. I was not meeting her needs and he was just lavishing everything on her. The second time she said she felt bad about it. She was hoping I would find out, so all of this could come to and end.

She told me he has attempt to contact her three times by email and once by text message since she broke it off. I knew about all but one of the emails, turns out it was the day I asked her to write the letter.

I already feel responsible because I was not meeting her needs. I was addicted to porn for a decade. Then when I finally came clean, she did not believe me. She has some trust issues and self body issues from being sexually abused as a child. I knew about some of it, but more it came up after D-Day and then more again in her letter. She was hiding pain in her life I did not know about and I could not address. She felt everything we did was just about getting sex in the end. I wanted to scream! What did you give Om!?!

I know I screwed up and I feel bad about it. I thought I had taken care of this years ago but did not. I wish I could have put a key logger on my PC way back when this all started, saw a MC, something. So I know there is some blame on my end. She readily admits to screwing up, but I feel that she is saying "if I would have been better, she would not have done this."

I feel like the sand is starting to firm up, like maybe there can be R. However, if she does not believe me... what the !@#$ am I doing all this for?! Why do I want to endure all this pain to live in the shadow of truth? If she thinks all I am saying is empty words then some other Om is just going to fill in the blanks.


Me: 42 BS
Her: 41 EMA
Married: 16 years
D-Day#1: 04/17/13
D-Day#2: 05/8/13
Children: 9,5 (girls)
Om: High School Flame
"Marital problems doesn't make someone a cheater just like financial problems doesn't make someone a thief"

Posts: 71 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Mobile, AL
Dawn58
Member
Member # 37656
Default  Posted: 10:22 AM, May 1st (Wednesday)

There were many, many moments when all I could do was to try to breath through the pain, the deceit, the devastation.

My cheating spouse chose to be with the OW. No remorse, no apologies, no nothing. When we talked on the phone a few weeks after he asked me to leave (huh?? I left that day, dday because all I felt was that I had to get the hell away from him.). He was laying next to me in bed texting her, and then when I looked over at his laptop, he quickly hid the page he was on. He left to go get his car washed, and I got into his computer (which he had put a password on) and found one string of texts between him and his skanky mistress. I confronted him and he told me he wanted a divorce and told me to leave.

The affair was not your fault. They will blame you to justify their actions. My cheating spouse has completely rewritten the history of the marriage and has completely forgotten who I am as he now believes I used him for his money, never loved him, never liked his family.....They call this gaslighting. Read the Healing Library, so much wisdom there.

I have only spoke to him on the phone a few times. When I asked him about the affair, he claims "it just happened" (A bit of history, I was his third wife, he cheated twice on the second wife, don't know about the first wife. So he has a history of this.). He also said that he never meant to hurt me. Right, how did he think I was going to feel when I found out? Asshole.

Get support from your friends and family, that has carried me through the past few months. Had suicidal thoughts but could not do that to my son. It has been a nightmare, a horrible nightmare.

Post here often, you will find support from people who have been where you are. There is so much strength and wisdom here.


I got into the marriage, because I loved him. I got out of the marriage, because I love me.

Posts: 468 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Southern California
OneFootForward
Member
Member # 39136
Default  Posted: 3:28 PM, May 1st (Wednesday)

Right now the only people who know about this are me, her , our pastor and Om.

I told my boss I was going thru some tough times and he has given me some leeway. People at the office know something is up and they are worried, but they don't know. My mother knows something is up and she is smart, she will probably figure it out before to long.

I got the "be careful who you tell" line from the pastor and it makes a lot of sense. I am glad to have found SI, but not having human contact about this besides the pastor is wearing on me pretty bad.

I am sure when/if her parents find out, I will be painted the bad guy and then be really removed (my family is far away in another state and I have no relatives around). Her family knows the Om and are still friends with him on FB. One of my nightmares is the Om coming over for dinner at their house and they just welcome him with open arms "long time no see." I hate that dream.

I want to scream. A lot! But I dont. And I want to cry. Which I do. A lot :(


Me: 42 BS
Her: 41 EMA
Married: 16 years
D-Day#1: 04/17/13
D-Day#2: 05/8/13
Children: 9,5 (girls)
Om: High School Flame
"Marital problems doesn't make someone a cheater just like financial problems doesn't make someone a thief"

Posts: 71 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Mobile, AL
Long Gone
Member
Member # 32587
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, May 2nd (Thursday)

ahhh...Johnson Island.

I rode a boat over there in the mid late 90s carrying VX&GB for storage and disposal...was a part of the monitoring crew....from just up the road from where you are now actually....we probably were there at the same time......

that place sucked....

i disagree with your pastor.....I went 100% nuke strike.....and everything feel into place....


D-Day 11/26/10

Posts: 766 | Registered: Jun 2011
Painfool
Member
Member # 33227
Default  Posted: 2:08 PM, May 2nd (Thursday)

I think your pastor may be right, but only so far as to consider who you speak to about it. Each person is individual, but once you have told someone you can't take it back. While I told everyone at the time it was because I was sure I was going to D fWH. It did add another dimension to R, as I felt judged by people who knew for taking him back. I've dealt with that now, and couldn't care less what others think, but it did make it harder at the time.
Saying that, I couldn't have kept it all secret from those closest to me, and their support and love helped me through...a very personal decision whether or not to share.

As for the blame. This is NOT your fault. There may have been problems in your M, you may have been the very devil himself, but your WW could have spoken to you about it, or you could have separated or divorced. You are not responsible for your W's actions here, and if she's still trying to put some of the blame on you, then she's got a huge amount of work ahead of her. Hopefully she will learn to take responsibility for herself, and realise that no matter what you did, the A was her choice, and her responsibility entirely.

If something was to appear, if she wanted to use some excuse... fini. This may sound pretty harsh, I don't know.

This does not sound harsh, but...it sounds like you could do with writing a list of dealbreakers for her (more in the healing library about this) as a prerequisite to offering R. From what you've written so far, I'm not sure that she's ready for it yet, but that doesn't mean that you shouldn't be letting her know what you now need to stay in this M. One word of caution I would offer here though is that if you are working with absolutes, you need to be completely sure that you will follow through. Rather than saying 'I will D you if you break this .....,' I would advise saying that you would be re-evaluating whether or not you are prepared to stay in the M, and mean it. That way there's a little leeway, while still ensuring she knows you are serious.
I would never have said this until I had been on this site, and experienced TT myself, but even if you're *sure* (and who is after such a shattering betrayal!?) that you have all the information, chances are there will be more. :/

I also wanted to say that this pain will not last forever. It will ease in time (a word you may learn to hate). It came as a shock to me (and many here) just how painful infidelity is. I too felt that i coudldn't breathe at first. I had a very tight feeling in my chest for a few weeks after D-day, and had no appetite whatsoever for a long time. This gets better, I promise you.

What I would suggest as a next move for you now is for the both of you to find IC's. Personally (and this is all entirely just my personal opinion, but is based on experience, and on a huge amount of reading and research, including on this site) I would make IC for your WW an absolute requirement before you can begin to consider true R. You may know that you want to save your M, but you can't do that alone, and there are things you're going to need to be able to make a real go of it, such as complete transparency. The timeline letter is a good start, but it still seems your WW is blame shifting etc, hence the need for IC, and some firm dealbreakers.

There's no rush for you to make any decisions either- something that many forget in the wake of such complete devastation. I know that I couldn't think straight for a while after D-day. Now is the time to take care of yourself, possibly explore things within IC, and go easy on yourself.

All I can really say apart from that is that things will get better. Something that helped me through the first few weeks was repeating the mantra that nothing lasts forever (or something along those lines). This horrendous pain will not be there always. I'm not saying that it will all fade into oblivion, or that it will be easy by any stretch of the imagination, but things will get better, and reminding yourself of this may help keep you going.

(((OneFootForward)))

So many things I could say here really, but your name says it for me. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and you will get through this.

(edited for sp mistakes)

[This message edited by Painfool at 2:12 PM, May 2nd (Thursday)]


Married 9 years, together 14.
1 child, aged 6.
WS (31)
Me (30)

The bad news is there is no key to happiness. The good news is it isn't locked.


Posts: 1871 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: United Kingdom
5454real
Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, May 2nd (Thursday)

I am sure when/if her parents find out, I will be painted the bad guy and then be really removed (my family is far away in another state and I have no relatives around). Her family knows the Om and are still friends with him on FB.

It seems there are rarely instances where a wayward can, in a single act, show that they get it. Her reaction and support when/if this happens would be one of those.

Will she be supportive and accept the blame or will she shift it to you? That will be a guidepost for your further actions.

Strength


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2726 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
OneFootForward
Member
Member # 39136
Default  Posted: 2:50 PM, May 2nd (Thursday)

LongGone - I was on Johnston from mid 97 to 98. It did suck. All the NBC guys in moon suits 100m from me in... BDUs. They got hazard pay, we got nada. I mean a protective mask is not meant to save you, just keep you alive a bit longer. I got bit my a Moray Eel when I was snorkeling there (seriously, I was the first), it is in my Medical Records too... full color picture and all. The amounting of drinking, sex and debauchery going on at that Atoll would make Vegas look like a Nunnery.

PainFool & 5454real - We are having a Come to Jesus talk after the kids go to sleep tonight. I am going to give her a final chance to come clean. I am also laying down some boundaries. And I am going to ask about talking to her parents. I should know better before the night is over if we are really going to try and R or if she is just trying to string me along.

I have some text message logs that started shortly after she called it off with Om. I have found out where the phone number is billed to, name, etc. I am going to give her a chance to come clean and then I am going to ask. I will compare the text message logs vs what I see on her phone. If there are some blanks, then I know she deleted the messages. That will lead me to the next step, driving there tomorrow with her and knock on the door. If she has severed all contact, I will know. I am also prepared to install recovery software on the laptop she uses, find everything she thought was deleted (I have used it at work... and it works really well).

Someone posted an article in another thread, http://www.healingafteraffairs-bloomington.info/infidelity/trauma-of-infidelity.html, and I read it. I really give me the first piece glimpse out of the fog in two weeks. I have taken contribution does not mean causation to heart. She lived the lie. She hid the truth of her EA while sitting in the same room as me. She then said she was going out with friends and he just showed up. Poppycock! None of it just happened. She can't play Mission Impossible on me and disavow any knowledge. I want the whole truth or we are all done.


Me: 42 BS
Her: 41 EMA
Married: 16 years
D-Day#1: 04/17/13
D-Day#2: 05/8/13
Children: 9,5 (girls)
Om: High School Flame
"Marital problems doesn't make someone a cheater just like financial problems doesn't make someone a thief"

Posts: 71 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Mobile, AL
hatefulnow
Member
Member # 35603
Default  Posted: 3:31 PM, May 2nd (Thursday)

No words of advice. Just know you've been heard.

Posts: 124 | Registered: May 2012
OneFootForward
Member
Member # 39136
Default  Posted: 9:50 AM, May 7th (Tuesday)

My WS and I had a series of long talks from Thursday night (5/5) to very early Sunday morning (5/7).

I had gained a lot of clarity near the end of last week. Why? D-Day was a few weeks removed, I had received a lot of great advice, I learned a great deal from others in the same boat and I read a some really, really useful information. I had basically come to the realization that this was not my fault and I had to be willing to end the relationship in order to save it. I laid out four things:

1. She HAD to let go of past hurts. I had forgiven her of our problems in the past and it seemed she had not done so with me. She said she had BUT she was hanging onto everything. If she was unwilling to forgive then we would never move forward. She would act like we were ok when we were not in her mind. Someone would come along in the future, she would get the "tingles" and we would be back here again. Or she would simple fall back into the arms of the Om. I could not and would not do it again. I told her she did not have to forgive me immediately, but she needed to work through it. If she could not, then our relationship was over.

2. I set up boundaries and we are stilling working through the implementation. I would love to say we were flush with cash and I could just toss out old and go buy new, but I can't. We are living paycheck to paycheck as is. She was ok with all of the boundaries and I allowed some alteration of the rules keeping the spirit of the rules in place. However, I added that if I found her hiding an email account, FB page, burner phone, etc in the future or she contacted the Om... we were going back to square one. This would probably mean the end of the relationship, because I could not do this again (based on how I feel now at any rate).

3. She put out a timeline from the beginning of our marriage until the end of the A. Anything she felt was important she put down and anything she thought I would consider important, she put down. I was not going to be gaslighted, TT, none of it. We had a chance to completely come clean of everything and this was a starting over point. I did not learn anything new about the A but I did learn more about her past (how she had a nervous breakdown when I was on JI/JA and she did not even tell me). If I found out anything NEW from the past after this and it violated the spirit of the timelines and/or coming clean... again, fini.

4. We set up a Share Time for at least once a week. During this time we could take turns discussing anything without judgement or interruption. We needed to restore communication, not just talk. We can't read each others minds and we should not be forced to try. As long as it is on your heart, you share... for well or woe. A's bloom in like dark like a parasitic fungus and I would not have that in our marriage.

I found out MORE about my wife's past during the past few weeks (including this weekend) than I have in a VERY long time. She is dealing with a lot of childhood trauma that is still hanging on. She is dealing with a lot of forgiveness issues. She is dealing with a lot of trust issues. She keeps a lot of pain close to the vest and it is poisoning her. Not absolving myself of any past wrongs I have done BUT I am not going to go out and dig up a dead horse to beat it all over again.

I opened up and told her my mother knows about the A and so does my boss. She went pretty crazy about me lying to her after all my talk about truth. I told her she was right and I was being selfish, but I could not apologies for doing it. On D-Day + 12 hours I was just looking for comfort and did not know who to turn to. I admit it... this 42 year old army vet just wanted to talk to his Mommy :) I also told my boss the following day because I had something akin to a panic attack at work and if I had not calmed down they would have called for an ambulance. Looking back, I should not have gone to work that day, I was just too screwed up. I tried to put on a game face and work. Epic fail on my part. Not upset about it and I don't blame myself for either of them. That said, I was in so much pain and I wanted to save the kids the pain I was feeling. I also did not want to expose myself to further harm if she was just playing along. She said she was looking at houses with Om, they were talking about divorce but then she said later she felt sick by what she had done and was "glad" I caught her so the lies would end. It felt like she was trying to make one plus one equal four and I was not signing off on it. I asked her what would happen if her parents found out, she said "I will be fine! How will you be?" She was pretty upset/emotional at the time. She had a lot pain/venom in her voice and I can understand why. I calmly told her "I would be fine." I was thinking, I told 100+ people, in church, about porn addiction and had asked them and the Lord for forgiveness. Uh... why should I be ashamed?

I talked to my Mom this morning and let her off the hook for keeping the A secret. She could use her own judgement on who to tell. I am also going to get a paternity test and make sure the kids are mine, biologically. My wife said she knows they are mine. I said I know they are mine too, but I was not going to be a victim. I was also not going to use our kids as pawns in our R or D. They will always be mine and if I find out they are not, then we will get a D and I will fight for them. I will not make them out to be "bastard" offspring. I also told her I would expect child support and all that comes along with it!

Where does that leave us? We are going to see our pastor (MC) this Thursday for our second meeting.

Where does that leave me? The pain is not near as bad. I can think with some clarity but I do have recurring nightmares, triggers and fears. My appetite has come back to some extent though some days I still don't want to eat. Drinking water is hard and I don't know why.

[This message edited by OneFootForward at 9:54 AM, May 7th (Tuesday)]


Me: 42 BS
Her: 41 EMA
Married: 16 years
D-Day#1: 04/17/13
D-Day#2: 05/8/13
Children: 9,5 (girls)
Om: High School Flame
"Marital problems doesn't make someone a cheater just like financial problems doesn't make someone a thief"

Posts: 71 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Mobile, AL
OneFootForward
Member
Member # 39136
Default  Posted: 1:38 PM, May 7th (Tuesday)

I thought I was doing pretty good today and then it just hits me out of the blue. My heart is racing, I can hear the blood rush through my ears, my focus is dwindling like a kite left without wind.

My WS had two physical encounters. One she went to his place and he swept her off her feet, they had sex. It was unplanned but they used protection. Not sure I buying that bridge in NY yet. Second time it was a date with sex. Here is my question: Who brought the condom!?!

If she did, then she has been planning it. Her initial statement of it being unplanned is invalidated. The second was just going back for, seconds. If she did not bring protection then she did not care enough about the consequences. Now she could say she was depending on him to bring the protection, which is the same as her getting them as far as I am concerned.... maybe worse... depending on the Om to protect her. I want to throw my monitor out the glass window of my office I am so damned mad!

My stomach is churning and I know I am going to lose my lunch if I keep thinking this way. Lord knows I can't stop thinking about it. I guess this is what the Anger Stage is all about... personal revelations and getting upset all over again.

Anyone throw me a bone and let me see this in some better light? Or just send it on home and I light up like a roman candle?


Me: 42 BS
Her: 41 EMA
Married: 16 years
D-Day#1: 04/17/13
D-Day#2: 05/8/13
Children: 9,5 (girls)
Om: High School Flame
"Marital problems doesn't make someone a cheater just like financial problems doesn't make someone a thief"

Posts: 71 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Mobile, AL
kenny55
Member
Member # 23014
Default  Posted: 6:57 PM, May 7th (Tuesday)

Sorry dude. My WW at first said he brought the condom as it was not planned . She said he had it in his wallet as all men do? I told her I am a guy and never carreied them in my wallet. They dry out that way. Turns out I found she went to Walgreens the same day. She also went to Fantasy gifts. So who do you think bought them? I think you know the answer. Sorry

Posts: 461 | Registered: Feb 2009
haleyscomet
Member
Member # 38250
Default  Posted: 3:37 AM, May 8th (Wednesday)

so sorry for your pain.

part of what u said especially hit home for me --- mine was texting OW 2 feet from me after I fell asleep - I woke up and found him asleep with the phone in his hand open to the texts screen - he grabbed it and deleted everything and denied anything saying it was a wrong #

he stopped coming to bed - opting to stay on the couch with his f*ckin' phone right next to him -- so he would catch OW's good nights / and good mornings

one morning when he was still asleep i sneaked his phone away and answered the texts as tho i was him -- she said why didn't u call me before u went home?/ what happened with your girl when u got home... luv u/ miss u / when are we gonna spend the night

killed me.... i ended up leaving within a few days of that - got talked into coming back - only to find he broke NC
left for good march 11th

it sucks it sucks it sucks
the horrible horrible pain - literally feeling pain in your chest - your heart

but

I also wanted to say that this pain will not last forever. It will ease in time (a word you may learn to hate). It came as a shock to me (and many here) just how painful infidelity is. I too felt that i coudldn't breathe at first. I had a very tight feeling in my chest for a few weeks after D-day, and had no appetite whatsoever for a long time. This gets better, I promise you.

it does. i see ur feeling a relapse into the horrible sickening feelings...

i'm sure if i had stayed i would have been going through this indefinitely - even if he had ended it (which he didn't) i still couldn't get over the little i already knew had occurred and couldn't trust him anymore
it SUCKED

but being away / free and trying to feel out being without him has made the world of difference... i can smile again

just saying --- do what makes you feel better...

ps: i understand you're married with children.... i wasn't -- but i'm just sharing with you about what i can relate to -- and saying it feels like the end of the world but its not -- thankfully.

take care of you.


me: bgf - 46
him: wwbf - 40
lived together 2-1/2 years
dday1 dec 16 2012 found texts
dday2 dec 29 2012 intercepted texts
dday3 feb 20 2013 found texts during false R
status: its over


Posts: 68 | Registered: Jan 2013
OneFootForward
Member
Member # 39136
Default  Posted: 12:50 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)

We talked, I cried, she got angry, I got angry, I cried some more, she cried... last night was pretty bad.

She wanted to know why I am asking her all of this again, and I said because I am trying to process it all. These questions do not appear on any sort of "BS Cheat Sheet!" As I come up with a question, I ask.

When I asked who brought the condom she blurted out "He brought them!" She did not have any time to think about it. Which is good, she was not trying to think it thru or obfuscate. Then, the hammer fell about how selfish she was being to trust her safety, my safety and the safety of our children to this scumbag. I told her what if you gave me Herpes and we have to worry about kissing our kids for the rest of our lives. What about Hep A or some other nasty bug? While I admit my failings and I have not been a great husband, I AM a good father. And while my failings did hurt, they were not intended to harm. Her actions not only took away my ability has a husband and a father to protect my family, but it shows she did not give ONE THOUGHT to anyone elses well being but herself. I got checked out at the docs at D-Day+3. Has she been checked yet, no! Makes me hotter than a $2 pistol left at the scene of a bank robbery.

We had a break and I decided to check out her email. And I find an undeleted draft message to Om dated 5/1. She agreed to NC and she said she he did contact her that day. However, she responded with some little banter and said no contact. BUT, at the bottom of the message was "I love you very much." It took everything I had not to sail the laptop across the house. I asked her about it and she said no contact. I said responding to a no contact saying no contact... is contact. Then the "love you"? She said she did but he was there for her, listening to her, etc when I was not. BUT she loves me and wants to work things out. I asked her if he was there paying the bills, or washing clothes, or taking care of the kids, or wiping vomit off your face when you were sick, etc, etc, etc. You felt SO special you HID the whole thing for months. Hiding makes you feel special. Lying to your husband makes you feel special. Screwing the Om while I am at home watching the kids makes you feel special. No, he was there to stroke you until he could get a piece of @$$, and as soon as he figured out he could not get any more he moved on. I mean... then I fell apart... again.

After the "discussion" she deleted her FB account and trashed her phone. She did not do it out of anger but to show she wanted to be proactive with the boundaries. I have to honestly say, if I get home and she uses that as an excuse as to why she has not made a appointment for a checkup, I will probably go ballistic.


Me: 42 BS
Her: 41 EMA
Married: 16 years
D-Day#1: 04/17/13
D-Day#2: 05/8/13
Children: 9,5 (girls)
Om: High School Flame
"Marital problems doesn't make someone a cheater just like financial problems doesn't make someone a thief"

Posts: 71 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Mobile, AL
haleyscomet
Member
Member # 38250
Sad  Posted: 4:44 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)

BUT, at the bottom of the message was "I love you very much."

so sorry --
her deleting fb and trashing phone is an effort to console you - a desperate effort

tell her unless she can "un-f*ck" him, ur not consoled...

and still justifying why she 'loves' him -- u hit the nail on the head -- and she still don't see it was stroking and that she GOT PLAYED and USED... a convenient / willing piece of ass...

oooh i'd want to cut her loose right out the door and tell her to go cry to the one that's "there for her, listening to her, etc."

do i recall correctly? (gonna look back at ur first post)yes - the first thing she said when she was busted - she would leave and you could have the kids... and where do you think she was GOING? she still was and continued to hold onto her fantasy - and SEEMS TO ME was willing to give up you and her kids for it

sorry - just what i'm seeing between the lines --- i think u have given her too much credit for 'remorse'.... i think she's just trying to recuperate with the remaining option... you. but what if HE were an option?

they/she did after all discuss "getting a house together, divorce"

consider having one of your tech buddies spoof a communique to look as tho it were from him - something simple like "this is where u can reach me now"
and see if she responds.


me: bgf - 46
him: wwbf - 40
lived together 2-1/2 years
dday1 dec 16 2012 found texts
dday2 dec 29 2012 intercepted texts
dday3 feb 20 2013 found texts during false R
status: its over


Posts: 68 | Registered: Jan 2013
OneFootForward
Member
Member # 39136
Default  Posted: 8:22 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)

She said told me, that her friend told her, that he had shacked up with someone else. This was after my WS and Om broke up. After all they went to High School together. Her friend would know. Right? Ding! She is now caught. I check on FB, the two are not friends.

I then went to my wife's friend and asked her if she knew the Om. She said she did from High School but they not talked in decades. Busted! I thanked her and came home.

I get a new D-Day, since she broke the NC. NC sometime between 4/17 and 5/1 at the very least. How long? Dont know. Dont know if I want to know. I gave her PLENTY of opportunity to come clean and she is STILL talking with him.

As soon as all the kids are in bed, it comes out. With her threatening suicide, I took all the bullets out of all of the guns in the house and hid them. So, if she wants to do something rash, it will have to be with a blade or pills. Crappy thing to say, but I think it is going to hit the fan and really soon.


Me: 42 BS
Her: 41 EMA
Married: 16 years
D-Day#1: 04/17/13
D-Day#2: 05/8/13
Children: 9,5 (girls)
Om: High School Flame
"Marital problems doesn't make someone a cheater just like financial problems doesn't make someone a thief"

Posts: 71 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Mobile, AL
haleyscomet
Member
Member # 38250
Default  Posted: 9:15 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)

she broke the NC


sorry to hear OneFootForward

it sucks --- they KNOW how much they hurt us and what they have to lose and STILL they act so selfishly --

(she) was "glad" I caught her so the lies would end

just another lie

maddening - I know.

not fair that she wants to play martyr and that you're supposed to comfort HER (again)

if she don't calm down call her parents--- you don't need a mentally/ emotionally unstable woman threatening suicide carrying on in your home with your children


me: bgf - 46
him: wwbf - 40
lived together 2-1/2 years
dday1 dec 16 2012 found texts
dday2 dec 29 2012 intercepted texts
dday3 feb 20 2013 found texts during false R
status: its over


Posts: 68 | Registered: Jan 2013
haleyscomet
Member
Member # 38250
Exclaimation  Posted: 9:20 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)

I think it is going to hit the fan and really soon

get another party involved -- if you have to call an ambulance or the police to deal with her threats


me: bgf - 46
him: wwbf - 40
lived together 2-1/2 years
dday1 dec 16 2012 found texts
dday2 dec 29 2012 intercepted texts
dday3 feb 20 2013 found texts during false R
status: its over


Posts: 68 | Registered: Jan 2013
OneFootForward
Member
Member # 39136
Default  Posted: 9:34 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)

Kids went to bed and it hit the fan. I told her that one and one did not equal twelve; she had nothing to say. She said her friend said it, but her friend did not. So now she says she has no idea why she said it. She says its the truth, crying, flailing arms, all of it... still feels like a lie.

She took all the "love notes" I have written her in the past few weeks and threw them in the trash. She said she cant handle it anymore. I think my R just turned into a D.


Me: 42 BS
Her: 41 EMA
Married: 16 years
D-Day#1: 04/17/13
D-Day#2: 05/8/13
Children: 9,5 (girls)
Om: High School Flame
"Marital problems doesn't make someone a cheater just like financial problems doesn't make someone a thief"

Posts: 71 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Mobile, AL
haleyscomet
Member
Member # 38250
Default  Posted: 10:25 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)

I think my R just turned into a D.

sorry for your continued pain...

find out your rights...

She said she would leave and I could have the kids


tell her you'll take her up on that offer

don't let her get you to leave the house

don't let her bait you into fighting --- she's already threatened suicide -- how far might she push you to make herself the victim?

might she go so far as to hurt herself and blame you? (to get you taken away)

i think it may be best to withdraw and gather your thoughts

i never got anywhere trying to talk to my WXBF... just lies denial and aggravation -- drunken ranting....

let her wonder what your plans are...

turn on TV and zone out -- for now just dis-engage

take care OneFootForward


me: bgf - 46
him: wwbf - 40
lived together 2-1/2 years
dday1 dec 16 2012 found texts
dday2 dec 29 2012 intercepted texts
dday3 feb 20 2013 found texts during false R
status: its over


Posts: 68 | Registered: Jan 2013
OneFootForward
Member
Member # 39136
Default  Posted: 10:05 AM, May 10th (Friday)

Wednesday night was bad. Thursday morning, while shorter, was no better.

I did some financial grunt work and went an see an attorney. Among other things I told the attorney about the Om, his year in the mental institution and has ban from driving in Alabama. He said that was pretty serious and did some digging. Turns out, the Om has some recent traffic tickets and parking citations. How did he get a traffic ticket if he was banned from driving? Someone was lying. Maybe the Om for sympathy. Not sure.

I then went to see the MC solo and broke down what has been happening. I showed him all the texts and emails. I told him I did not want this to be a bash session on WS but I wanted him to know everything. I was going to tell my WS what I gave him too. We talked for about an hour.

My WS and I met at the MC about 30 min prior. Every time I talked, it was thrown back in my face in some sort of negative way. It was like I was trying to fight the surf. I told her I consulted an attorney and she told me to get out of her car. I said I would not. I told her I wanted to find out what my options were because it seemed she had given up. I also said a D attorney is the only person I could talk to about mental health issues without them reporting. If I went to a doc and showed them the emails, they would be forced to report. Attorneys are bound. The attorney was not shooting to use the info in a negative way, but he said he would sure use it that way. I told my WS I was serious about moving forward: I was either all in for R or I was all in for D. I was going to get out of the car and if she drove off, it was D. She went in with me to see the MC.

We had a very intense session and it was not easy.

1. The pills for my WS's depression may be masking her problems because the sure are not dealing with them. Now the A has come up, she has more than she can deal with. Masking tape as a great thing, but to much weight and it will not hold... everything comes falling out of the box. He seriously recommended seeing someone outside his office and gave a few recommendations.

2. If my anger get worse, I need to see someone for PTSD. I told him I was planning on seeing someone and I will starting looking for one at lunch today.

3. He asked if she had any more questions about my porn or me with the A/Om. We both said no. He said had we forgiven each other of the errors we made. We both said yes. He said then we need to go put it in a glass house out back. We could still look at it, but don't dwell on it. And absolutely no taking plants and bringing them back inside the house.

4. The MC was mifted about the last contact after her adamant agreement to NC. He told her it was obvious why I went into a tail spin over it. Not just that there was a contact "saying no contact" but the contact said "Goodbye My Love". This is not a hard break for anyone. Also, if the Om tries to contact her, she should tell me immediately. If there is any email, I should see them, etc. Deleting them and having to ask about the Om to see if there was attempted contact is only hurting the BS, and destroying trust.

Last night was pretty calm. She sacked out around 7:30 and I did around 8:00 after putting the kids to bed. I don't recall dreaming at all. I am pretty wasted still, my digestive track is a mess and people are complementing me at work about my weight loss (what was my secret?) LOL.

Mothers' Day is the weekend and I don't have a clue about what to do. I am going to have my kids get something together (duh) but.. if I give her something does it come across wrong but if I don't give her something I was not thinking about her?? Gah?!


Me: 42 BS
Her: 41 EMA
Married: 16 years
D-Day#1: 04/17/13
D-Day#2: 05/8/13
Children: 9,5 (girls)
Om: High School Flame
"Marital problems doesn't make someone a cheater just like financial problems doesn't make someone a thief"

Posts: 71 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Mobile, AL
Topic Posts: 26