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User Topic: Some encouragement needed
Sienna500
Member
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 1:46 PM, April 30th (Tuesday)

I know I'm utterly ridiculous but I'm dreading IC. I cancelled Monday's and I'm so tempted to cancel tomorrow.

I think with everything I'm just super stressed out. I know it's all my own doing but, I'm stressed out and I don't want to go.


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
IGaveItMyAll
Member
Member # 38622
Default  Posted: 1:51 PM, April 30th (Tuesday)

Please gather the strength to go. I know sometimes I dont want to go to MC but after I usually feel better. Chin up. It may help you with your stress. You owe it to yourself and your BS.


ME-BS 34
FWW-28
M 6 Yrs
DDAY- 8/20/12
R

Posts: 332 | Registered: Mar 2013
badchoice
Member
Member # 35566
Default  Posted: 1:59 PM, April 30th (Tuesday)

I know it' shard to go sometimes, but sometimes the thing you want to avoid the most, is the exact thing you need to do.

Hang in there, and good luck. You can do this.


Me: fWH/BH 46

Separated transitioning to D


Posts: 725 | Registered: May 2012 | From: L.A.
Sienna500
Member
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 2:15 PM, April 30th (Tuesday)

I don't feel like I can go this week. I think I'll just start again next week. I know I need to go


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
MissesJai
Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 2:21 PM, April 30th (Tuesday)

I don't feel like I can go this week
why? Sienna, I can't help but feel like you are running from something. Not necessarily A related, just something that you really would rather not deal with - the potential outcome scares the shit out of you. I implore you to investigate further. For your own sake, do not cancel anymore IC appointments.


FWW - 41
I'm big on personal responsibility. Own your shit. ALL OF IT.

Posts: 5846 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
badchoice
Member
Member # 35566
Default  Posted: 2:24 PM, April 30th (Tuesday)

I know that I have skipped in the past because I just felt overwhelmed.

You know what you need to do to take care of yourself.

Take care of yourself, maybe do some journaling instead this week, and bring that in next week. Maybe discuss how you felt this week, and why you needed the space, in next weeks session.

ETA: Thinking about your original post some more...

You did ask for support in going, so maybe you really want to go, but are just really scared of stuff coming up. That is when you really need to go IMO.

[This message edited by badchoice at 2:35 PM, April 30th (Tuesday)]


Me: fWH/BH 46

Separated transitioning to D


Posts: 725 | Registered: May 2012 | From: L.A.
Sienna500
Member
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 2:28 PM, April 30th (Tuesday)

I'm just full of stupid fucked up issues I'm a total fuck up in fact


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
What2Thnk
Member
Member # 37863
Default  Posted: 2:41 PM, April 30th (Tuesday)

Sometimes it's like exercise. Give yourself permission to not want to do it, and then do it anyway. But do it.


Me (BS) 42
Him (WS) 43
DD #1 7/19/10 2 year LTA EA/PA w/MOW - HSXGF#1
DD #2 6/6/12 4 mo EA (PA?) w/HSXGF#2
DD #3 12/15/12 3 week EA with random stranger
A whole crapload of gaslighting, minimizing, blameshifting, rugsweeping and TT.

Posts: 183 | Registered: Dec 2012
knightsbff
Member
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 3:08 PM, April 30th (Tuesday)

Sienna,

You can do this. Don't cancel.

Whenever I have wanted to avoid something and forced myself do do it anyway at the very least I gave myself credit for doing something I REALLY didn't want to do. That feels good.

Go to IC then give yourself a much deserved pat on the back for toughing it out.

[This message edited by knightsbff at 3:08 PM, April 30th (Tuesday)]


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

Posts: 1411 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
floridaredman
Member
Member # 15122
Default  Posted: 4:16 PM, April 30th (Tuesday)

I'm just full of stupid fucked up issues I'm a total fuck up in fact

If you defeat yourself..how are you going to help yourself?
Calling yourself that is not going to get you anywhere but pity party city.

Where is that strength you said you made yourself have. The strength to face matters that are hard to face?

You and circumstances have helped you create the monster you don't want to face.
It is going to take you and help from someone that can assist you in finding the formula that made that monstrous side you don't like.

Don't run from healing..embrace it...This is for you..and this will help heal your family. Please go.


The simplest thing can be the hardest thing to do....FRM

Posts: 2483 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Florida
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 4:20 PM, April 30th (Tuesday)

Gentle 2x4 here.

Go. What do you think that it says to your BH that you cancelled the first appointment? What do you think that cancelling the 2nd one will scream at him? So you''re dreading it. Welcome to the after the A world. You''re going to have to, absolutely have to do things that you dread, that make you filled with fear, that make you nauseated, and make you quake in your shoes. Repeat to yourself, I am doing this for my BH and more importantly, I am doing this for myself. Because that''s the truth. If you don''t get to the bottom of your issues, then you are going to find youself either repeating the same scenario with your BH, divorced, or repeating with another BH/BBF. Go!

Stepping off of my soapbox now. But seriously, go!


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4727 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
needhelp123
Member
Member # 38109
Default  Posted: 4:26 PM, April 30th (Tuesday)

I can't say I felt the way you do. I wanted to go. It took several sessions to discuss/confront some very personal FOO issues but it has been well worth it. Therapists don't judge. They are there to help you and, as mine has told me on several occasions, they have heard it all before. Go. Go for yourself. Keep going. It really feels good when you make breakthroughs.


Me: 47 BS: Cheerless (not giving her age)
DDay 12/31/12
30 days of TT WRONG - try 17 months
2 great teenagers
I had a LTA - EA and then PA. Escalated in 2012.
Never Giving Up Hope
The secret of life is to "die before you die" - Eckhart Tolle

Posts: 92 | Registered: Jan 2013
Sienna500
Member
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 4:30 PM, April 30th (Tuesday)

I don't feel sorry for myself I just don't know.

This isn't the first session I've been to a few.

I know I need to go but maybe not this week

[This message edited by Sienna500 at 4:33 PM, April 30th (Tuesday)]


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
floridaredman
Member
Member # 15122
Default  Posted: 4:41 PM, April 30th (Tuesday)

I don't feel sorry for myself I just don't know.

How are you going to find out..if you don't know?


The simplest thing can be the hardest thing to do....FRM

Posts: 2483 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Florida
Sal1995
Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 4:42 PM, April 30th (Tuesday)

Sienna, I'm a BS. No stop sign, so I'll venture into the discussion and hope my comments aren't taken the wrong way, or violate any forum rules. Here goes:

You acknowledged 3 ONS's in a two week period. This would be considered destructive and self-defeating behavior by a single person, let alone a married woman with children.

You're a decent person or you wouldn't be on this site talking about your issues. This is helpful, but more is needed. Please go to IC. Not just for yourself, but for those who love and depend on you.

[This message edited by Sal1995 at 4:49 PM, April 30th (Tuesday)]


Me (BS)-45, WW-42
PMs with men only, please
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, 4 children
Reconciling

Posts: 1360 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
MissesJai
Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 4:50 PM, April 30th (Tuesday)

I'm just full of stupid fucked up issues I'm a total fuck up in fact
this statement alone reads you are feeling sorry for yourself.


FWW - 41
I'm big on personal responsibility. Own your shit. ALL OF IT.

Posts: 5846 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
Sienna500
Member
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 4:59 PM, April 30th (Tuesday)

Maybe if I just carry on and talk to my H more I don't know I'm just stressed at the moment it might look different tomorrow

MissesJai you'll be right I'm sure but it doesn't feel that way honestly

[This message edited by Sienna500 at 5:02 PM, April 30th (Tuesday)]


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
Mrs Panda
Member
Member # 27303
Default  Posted: 5:33 PM, April 30th (Tuesday)

If you continue to cancel on your IC, she will have to "fire you."

You realize that your cancellation prevents her from seeing other patients, and loses income?

Are you (subconsciously)deliberately sabotaging this?


Me-41 FWW Him-45BH
M 13years. Reconciled.
DDay#1 Nov 2008 (OM2)
DDay#2 Aug 2009 (Confessed to OM 2001)
"Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand." -Kurt Vonnegut

Posts: 1971 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: The SouthEast
Sienna500
Member
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 5:52 PM, April 30th (Tuesday)

I suppose I'm being selfish I never thought of it that way

I do want sort this out and I know I need to go but I struggle and I'm scared

[This message edited by Sienna500 at 5:55 PM, April 30th (Tuesday)]


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
MissesJai
Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 5:56 PM, April 30th (Tuesday)

I'm scared
of???


FWW - 41
I'm big on personal responsibility. Own your shit. ALL OF IT.

Posts: 5846 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
heartbroken0903
Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 6:01 PM, April 30th (Tuesday)

Hi sienna,

If you are scared of what you might find out about yourself, don't be. I was just as fucked up and had just as many issues as anybody. It was hard to look at myself honestly and dig deep for stuff that I didn't really want to think about/face. Really hard!

But you can fix all of it. Maybe it doesn't seem like it right now, but you really can! If you are with a qualified professional who is good at his/her job, they will know how to help you and set you on a better path.

But you have to take the first step. You have to walk through the door. If you open it a little bit, others can help you make it wider. You can do it!


Me: WS, 30s
XH: BS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciled after divorce

"Someday you'll look back on all these days
And all this pain is gonna be invisible." - Hunter Hayes, "Invisible"


Posts: 2100 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
Sienna500
Member
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 6:05 PM, April 30th (Tuesday)

I don't know, I'm sorry I think I'm just tired and stressed and talking rubbish.

Thank you heartbroken, I'm sure you're right

[This message edited by Sienna500 at 6:06 PM, April 30th (Tuesday)]


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
MissesJai
Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 6:10 PM, April 30th (Tuesday)

(((sienna))). One day at a time - just don't give up on YOU.


FWW - 41
I'm big on personal responsibility. Own your shit. ALL OF IT.

Posts: 5846 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
Sienna500
Member
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 7:51 PM, April 30th (Tuesday)

It's almost 2am and my H still isn't back which totally isn't helping

I know I have no right or reason to worry but I feel sick. I just want this all to be fixed now I wish I could turn back the clock


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
tired girl
Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 8:55 PM, April 30th (Tuesday)

I wish I could turn back the clock

I think probably almost every wayward has felt the same way.

And I can assure you there have been times that most of us have wanted to quit, when the road ahead of us seemed to hard. Don't give up Sienna. You can do this.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 4767 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
thisissogross
Member
Member # 30294
Default  Posted: 10:06 PM, April 30th (Tuesday)

You have nothing to apologize for Sienna. You're still here, still trying to figure stuff out and that's what this place is for. I think I remember that maybe you dread the topic your ic wanted to discuss recently? (Sorry if I'm wrong) Why not go to your appointment and open by telling her that? That you realize those issues exist-but for now-you need to discuss and work on other things. Quite likely she'll just move on to something else. You seem to be mentioning a lot of anxiety around your husband and current circumstances, discuss those issues and get her take on them if you can't talk about the other stuff. Maybe? That way you could receive support and become that much more comfortable (hopefully) with your therapist and the whole process?

Everybody does this stuff in jagged little baby steps. Therapy is scary at the beginning-it's new and weird. If you keep your appointment, that's a step at least. Even if you don't have some ginormous breakthrough-it's worth going because it means you went. It's cumulative in terms of effects and I think breakthrough moments are rare for most?


Anyway, I hope you will go, but, ultimately that's up to you.


"A pair of powerful spectacles has sometimes sufficed to cure a person in love." -Friedrich Nietzsche

i edit frequently because i have to


Posts: 234 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: southern us
hatefulnow
Member
Member # 35603
Default  Posted: 10:07 PM, April 30th (Tuesday)

Be strong...good luck.

Posts: 124 | Registered: May 2012
Sienna500
Member
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 5:15 AM, May 1st (Wednesday)

I went this morning. Thank you everyone.

It wasn't too bad, she's quite forceful and that works better for me. She said she would ideally like to put me on some meds but can't because I'm currently working on other addictions whilst pregnant.

She said she can do CBT but it will only deal with the symptoms now. We were talking about emotional numbness and how she's not sure at this time if I do empathise or just know the right things to say and do.

I know how I feel though, overwhelmed. I think I feel better for going.

She asked what emotions I remember feeling during traumatic events and I told her. She then said I used the same word order and phrase to the GP and in thefirst session with her. I asked her what that means and she said we can find out together.

What does that mean? I'm not aware of it and I think it's probably a bad thing.

Also, my H returned at 5:30am this morning.

I just wanted to add that by forceful I mean she said "OK let's just pretend everything's fine" and rolled her eyes. It made me buckle up.

[This message edited by Sienna500 at 5:16 AM, May 1st (Wednesday)]


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
Finally10
Member
Member # 36900
Default  Posted: 7:05 AM, May 1st (Wednesday)

Sienna

Good for you for going.

Knowing a little about some of you issues, what your counsellor is saying in so many words is that your particular phrasing and "rote"response to how you felt at times of trauma is likely indicative that you have adoptered a position of coping by repeating the same phrase or group of words. Effectively you have adopted a this is how I feel about that and by saying it enough to yourself you believe or want it to be true. I suspect she feels that the actual feelings are really much more involved and will work with you to gradually uncover and resolve those feelings. I wouldn't think of this as "bad", just an indication of an area where you and your counselor will dig a little deeper as you progress.


Posts: 113 | Registered: Sep 2012
Sienna500
Member
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 8:57 AM, May 1st (Wednesday)

I'm just not sure how much I can do I feel like most efforts go into looking after kids, husband, working and just remembering to breathe.

I want someone just to tell me what to do. I stayed underwater for ages this morning in the bath I have such unhealthy thought processes and I recognise they're wrong but I was thinking maybe I did those things to force some feelings. I don't know I was trying to think about what was good to make me do it twice more.

Anyway, thank you again and I'm sorry for rambling.


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
floridaredman
Member
Member # 15122
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, May 2nd (Thursday)

Never good to leave your house without letting your spouse know where you went..especially after you have been involved in infidelity.'


Does your BH know where you went after your altercation yesterday?


The simplest thing can be the hardest thing to do....FRM

Posts: 2483 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Florida
Sienna500
Member
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 11:38 AM, May 2nd (Thursday)

Yes of course he knows. I'd do anything for my H I know how much he's hurting but I'm not going to have anyone talk the way he did about my family. They're his children's family too and talking about my brother like he was a wimp and saying about me as if I'm going the same way no I'm not accepting that


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
floridaredman
Member
Member # 15122
Default  Posted: 11:54 AM, May 2nd (Thursday)

understood...did he apologize?


The simplest thing can be the hardest thing to do....FRM

Posts: 2483 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Florida
badchoice
Member
Member # 35566
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, May 2nd (Thursday)

but I was thinking maybe I did those things to force some feelings

I think you are referring to you As... Am I correct?

This is very possibly the case.

A lot of the un-healthy things we do is to either avoid feeling an unpleasant feeling (for example i feel lonely, unloved, unhappy so I cheat), or to create a pleasant feeling.

So the question is what was going on in your life at the time that you were trying to avoid? Or - what feelings did you get that made you do it again? Those are big questions to look into.

This is the difference of making decisions based on feelings, rather than commitments.


Me: fWH/BH 46

Separated transitioning to D


Posts: 725 | Registered: May 2012 | From: L.A.
Sienna500
Member
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, May 2nd (Thursday)

Yes, he's sorry.

I'm not sure what I was referring to in that post to be honest.

I was angry with him when I left he was calling me names and I think it was just anger


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
hurt2005
New Member
Member # 36918
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, May 2nd (Thursday)

What do you mean, he was calling you names?


WGF 27 | BBF 28 | in CC and in hope for R | 7 years
OM#1 EA, PA 2010 | OM#2 EA, PA (3x) 2011 | D-Day#1 2011, false R, D-Day #2 25/09/12
'Piglet was so excited at the idea of being Useful that he forgot to be frightened anymore.'

Posts: 27 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: UK
Sienna500
Member
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 6:25 PM, May 2nd (Thursday)

We argued, he called me a whore and I behaved like one.


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
MissesJai
Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 6:34 PM, May 2nd (Thursday)

the name calling is not uncommon, Sienna. I was called all kinds of whores, bitches, sluts, a bad mother, all that shit. They're in pain and lashing out. Not excusing it - just explaining it. Now, him attacking your brother, that is beyond wrong.


FWW - 41
I'm big on personal responsibility. Own your shit. ALL OF IT.

Posts: 5846 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
Sienna500
Member
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 7:05 PM, May 2nd (Thursday)

I think I've confused this. He didn't call me any names yesterday. he called me names just before I went and cheated on him.

yesterday he wrote on a forum about my brother giving up and having young children said he thinks it's cowardly and then made comparisons to me said I'm a pill-head it just really upset me so I got angry with him I was shaking and left, I went to my Dad's.

He's apologised and said he didn't mean it the way it looked. I know I'm probably over sensitive and I didn't mean to upset him so much yesterday afternoon I just felt so angry at the time. I went and told my Dad and he made me see how I overreacted and I just took a minute to think about how lucky I am that he might be an idiot but I know he just gets scared and he loves me


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
What2Thnk
Member
Member # 37863
Default  Posted: 5:28 PM, May 3rd (Friday)

Sienna,

I'm proud of you for going to your appointment. I hope you're proud of yourself, too. It was a tough thing to do, but you did it.


Me (BS) 42
Him (WS) 43
DD #1 7/19/10 2 year LTA EA/PA w/MOW - HSXGF#1
DD #2 6/6/12 4 mo EA (PA?) w/HSXGF#2
DD #3 12/15/12 3 week EA with random stranger
A whole crapload of gaslighting, minimizing, blameshifting, rugsweeping and TT.

Posts: 183 | Registered: Dec 2012
Mrs Panda
Member
Member # 27303
Default  Posted: 10:42 PM, May 3rd (Friday)

Do you think you need to address your issues with pills/drugs? You are doing well now with pregnancy, but what about after that?


Me-41 FWW Him-45BH
M 13years. Reconciled.
DDay#1 Nov 2008 (OM2)
DDay#2 Aug 2009 (Confessed to OM 2001)
"Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand." -Kurt Vonnegut

Posts: 1971 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: The SouthEast
Sienna500
Member
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 8:19 PM, May 4th (Saturday)

Honestly no, I never do anything serious and can stop easily because it's only party stuff and painkillers.

With my newly found clear head I have had an interesting conversation with my youngest sister today. She was reading over SI on my iPad and she asked if I thought it was significant that when I last went off the rails I met my husband and I actually said he saved me and he really did, I wasn't going anywhere nice. Then last summer I was slipping again and I felt my husband wasn't doing anything, I was angry at him.

I was a real party girl when I met my husband and I iactually had a ONS with him then completely avoided him, in fact I left immediately and when he asked for my number I said no. I did lot's of stupid stuff at that time and I was so unhappy with myself. I felt like I just had to live each day and it was a chore.. then he came along and made so much of an effort to be with me. He did really silly/romantic stuff and made me feel so special and wanted, he made me question who/what I thought I was in a positive way. He saw me differently to how I saw myself.

Since last summer little things started to irritate me with him (I felt he thought it was ok for people to make me sound like a whore mainly), I started thinking about the sad things in my life more, I felt like he should be stronger than me and I also began wondering if he still feels like I'm the same person he pursued so fervently. Then he did things that made me question it more and more. Me just being me, I wasn't going to bring it up with him in case it just caused an argument and I find it so difficult to say I'm upset or sad when someone's looking at me. I feel embarrassed about it and so foolish, I still do now. So I turned into a party girl again. I'll always do recreational drugs/painkillers etc occasionally but I did go way overboard last year and the beginning of this year.

I know it seems like I was about to lead to some revelation but unfortunately I'm not there yet. It's funny that a conversation with my baby sister (she's 20 but she'll always be my baby sister) has led me to thinking about this.

I brought it up with her because I was reading how affairs are usually more emotional with women and more physical with men so I thought well what does that make me? I went with 2 different people in consecutive Friday and Saturday nights and didn't listen to a word either said, got off my head and said what I wanted, got it, left then repeated it the next weekend but felt disgusting after. I didn't feel disgusted the first 2 times, I felt like I'd done what I wanted then forgot about it, until the third time. Looking at my life, my big silly handsome husband, my beautiful children... What more could I want? Right now I can't imagine what else, it seems perfect for me.

It's all so twisted and messed up. I'm actually glad I have a clear head right now and I haven't said that for a long time.

I'm sorry that's so long but it only happened today and I wanted to share it since you've all been so helpful. Thank you for reading, I'm sorry it probably doesn't make much sense too but it's 2:20am!


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
Topic Posts: 42