New Beginnings
User Topic: I really, really messed up.
Member # 20470
Sad  Posted: 9:59 PM, April 30th (Tuesday)

This was a doozy. I have hurt myself and feel like a fool. I can't talk to anyone IRL about this except maybe my IC, but she is on vacation and won't be back for a week and a half. So I am turning to you once again SI peeps, as embarrassed as I am to write this.

My Ex's Friend that told me he thought he was in love with me? He was being so sweet! Saying all the right things. He was comfortable, known, and I have been lonely for so long!

We were alone at his house watching a movie and having drinks this weekend. One thing led to another... I slept with him.

Immediate change afterwards. Things got weird really quick. He acted kind of distant, not touching me anymore. No snuggling or kissing. When he took me home he didn't even kiss me goodbye.

Since then he has only texted me once, just casual conversation. He left town for work for two weeks yesterday and didn't call or come over before he left.

I am so angry with myself for being weak and falling into bed with him. I know better. I'm not into casual sex. He knew every emotional button to push, he knows my story inside and out.

So now I just feel icky. Not only did I break my own moral code by sleeping with a guy to soon in a "relationship" but I totally misjudged his intentions and I have known him for years!

I know that most of you will say that I just need to not be with anyone for a while, and you are probably right. It just makes me sad because I want so desperately to share love with someone. I'm not sure what I expected after the D was final, but it is such a relief to be out of a loveless M. I was looking for a shortcut and it has backfired big time. Thanks for reading. Confession is good for the soul and I had to get it out.

M 11 years
Me: BS 38 Him: WS
DDay June 2006, LTA BFFOW
Divorced April 5, 2013
Not making a decision is making a decision.

Posts: 534 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Alaska
Member # 37946
Default  Posted: 10:03 PM, April 30th (Tuesday)

(((Wanttoforgive))) I'm sorry that happened. Don't be embarrassed or too hard on yourself. You'll learn from this and be ok.

Me (BS)- 36
Just keep swimming, just keep swimming- Dorie

Posts: 293 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Southeastern U.S.
Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 10:05 PM, April 30th (Tuesday)

:( I'm sorry that happened to you. I totally get this part:
I want so desperately to share love with someone.
because I feel the same way most of the time. I figure once that goes away and I'm content with just loving myself, then it might be time to consider trying to love somebody else again.

Posts: 1756 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Baja Arizona
Member # 19595
Default  Posted: 10:28 PM, April 30th (Tuesday)

No 2x4s from me.
I'm sorry it didn't end up as you had hoped.

I was looking for a shortcut and it has backfired big time

You know there is no short cut.
Our guts and pickers aren't working 100% after infidelity and divorce.

I have been lonely for so long
I understand !!! But we sure in hell don't need the wrong person in our lives !
Maybe it was just wrong timing for both of you. Maybe he just needs the two weeks as you do to evaluate. Maybe you scared the crap out of him.

Maybe he took advantage knowing your emotional state.
Whatever the reason, it happened and he didn't exactly get up and run for the door. He was a willing partner.
Don't be hard on yourself, doubtful you will be doing anything like this anytime soon.
It just makes me sad because I want so desperately to share love with someone.
And you will with someone that knows what the hell he wants and what you want.

Kiss your bruise and heal a bit more and you will be ready to fall in love .

It's my life now, my choices, my mistakes to make and my victories to celebrate. His choices made me free of liars and betrayers in my life. That is priceless.

Posts: 20384 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Closer to where I want to be..
Member # 20470
Default  Posted: 10:44 PM, April 30th (Tuesday)

Survivor, hopeless and gma, your kind responses brought a smile to my face and a few tears to my eyes. Thank you.

M 11 years
Me: BS 38 Him: WS
DDay June 2006, LTA BFFOW
Divorced April 5, 2013
Not making a decision is making a decision.

Posts: 534 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Alaska
Member # 31365
Default  Posted: 12:45 AM, May 1st (Wednesday)

I'm so sorry you're going through this :( I can sort of relate as I too went WAY against my usual MO and slept with my last guy super early.

But, it's done, there's no taking it back. Hopefully it was fun!

Don't let yourself go down a bad road thinking his reaction is a poor reflection on YOU... That's just a bad rabbit hole you don't want to fall into.

Hang in there! :)

Got rid of a lot of baggage, moved across the country, and am moving on with my life!

Posts: 235 | Registered: Mar 2011
Member # 22033
Default  Posted: 12:53 AM, May 1st (Wednesday)

Don't feel bad, its so common in NB. I did it too. I ended up having sex way 2 weeks after d-day #2 (the date of our separation). My ex made me feel unattractive and unloved and I really wanted someone to make me feel the opposite. I am still with the guy, but I look back and see how desperate and broken I was at that point. My ex really did a number on my self-esteem.

My only advice, other than not to beat yourself up, is be careful with this guy. He doesn't play safe with your emotions. He may come back around for another casual encounter. Just remember how you feel right now and how you will feel if it happens again.


[This message edited by tabitha95 at 12:55 AM, May 1st (Wednesday)]

BW (me) - 45
DS 14, DS 11
D-Day#1: Oct 30, 2008
D-Day#2: June 3, 2011 (same MOW) Separation: June 3, 2011
Divorce finalized: Feb 2012 (due to 6 month waiting period).

Posts: 3250 | Registered: Dec 2008
Member # 20470
Default  Posted: 1:35 AM, May 1st (Wednesday)

So he just called me from work and we talked for a long time about everything under the sun except for what we did or anything relationship related. Can you say awkward?

I don't know what his intentions are but the fact that this situation has made me feel so wretched tells me I have a lot of work to do on me to make sure I am making healthy choices for myself.

Thanks again for the compassion all, you are a great group.

M 11 years
Me: BS 38 Him: WS
DDay June 2006, LTA BFFOW
Divorced April 5, 2013
Not making a decision is making a decision.

Posts: 534 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Alaska
Member # 9344
Default  Posted: 6:26 AM, May 1st (Wednesday)

Something very similar happened to me a few years ago and it was devastating.

There is an innate feeling of trust when you become involved with a friend you have known for years. But it''s a false sense of security. People are very different when they become emotionally or sexually intimate with someone. It''s a side you really don''t see when you''re just friends.

I felt horribly betrayed when it happened to me. It took time for me to understand that this guy was fucked up in ways I had never seen. Tough lesson to learn after infidelity.

Forgive yourself. Learn. Move forward.

She packed up her potential and all she had learned and headed out to change a few things.

Posts: 7605 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: Poolside
Member # 33663
Default  Posted: 6:44 AM, May 1st (Wednesday)

He needs to have a grown up conversation about what happened and how he is feeling. We can't know it was his only intention to engage in meaningless sex. It's possible of course. Another possibility is he is as confused and insecure as you are feeling. His not confronting the issue is a flag and not an example of how people need to communicate in a relationship. I hope your situation can be resolved in a mature manner and I also hope your feelings aren't hurt anymore than they have been. Some thing you should ask yourself is; what have you really lost because of this? I'm guessing not all that much. I hope anyway!

me BS 48
her WW 45
married 15 years
3 wonderful but hurt kids

Posts: 334 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: milwaukee
Member # 9772
Default  Posted: 7:07 AM, May 1st (Wednesday)

Maybe instead of waiting for him to say something, you should? I wouldn't be able to just pretend like it didn't happen.

I'd want to make it clear it was a weak moment, that you're not looking to repeat it, or to get in a relationship. You call the shots here, don't wait for him to decide.

"Put the cuckoo back in the clock baby" - Four Brothers

Posts: 873 | Registered: Feb 2006
Member # 27457
Cool  Posted: 8:13 AM, May 1st (Wednesday)


I have been in your shoes....I think more than ONCE unfortunately! When I was separated....I joined (out of desperation I think) and because of the horrible loneliness...and met a guy that did and said all the right things! He even introduced me to his mom....and all of his friends! I thought....WOW...surely this guy is not a player... because he is doing all of this! He even talked about the future and things he wanted to do with me. We slept together after just knowing each other a few weeks...and it lasted about a month....and then he went POOF on me! It was awful. I questioned over and over what was wrong with me...ALL OVER AGAIN....feeling the same rejected feeling I felt when my XWH left me.... and I never wanted to feel that way again. Come to find out...he had been seeing another girl at the same time as me....and was with her.

Then....I met my daughter's "sperm donor" and we had a crazy whirlwind "off and on" again year and a half together....where I got a "surprise" pregnancy in the mix after 10 months together! The sex was the most amazing of my life..... BUT...that's all that was good. The rest was horrible...toxic...and esteem-killing.

Now...its just me and my daughter and come May will be a year since I decided to become single....and a little over a year since I've had sex!! But, you know what?? I don't mind that at all! I've been on ONE date in the last year..and that was last week!

But, you know what...I was able to recognize that this guy is not a good match for me and I'm moving on.... without complicating things with romance or physicality! I feel like I'm finally in a good place with myself and my life to make better decisions for myself and for my daughter! And, THAT is worth every second of loneliness that I have endured!

Apartment $685 a month.....having a baby $1,000's in medical bills.....doing it alone without a douchebag in my life and being able to make smart choices and live happily ever single after....FREAKIN PRICELESS!!!

"Sometimes your knight in shining armor just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12

Posts: 2724 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 8:45 AM, May 1st (Wednesday)

((((want)))) Sweetie - please don't be embarrassed, especially with us. We get it.

Be gentle with yourself as you start working through this.

You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana

Posts: 25843 | Registered: Aug 2011
Member # 6330
Default  Posted: 3:04 PM, May 2nd (Thursday)

Maybe he feels just as awkward but doesn't know how to talk about it.

Maybe you should initiate the conversation?

Posts: 5473 | Registered: Jan 2005 | From: Chicago
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 3:16 PM, May 2nd (Thursday)

Another possibility is he is as confused and insecure as you are feeling.

For this reason, I agree with the others recommending that you initiate the conversation and see where it goes instead of guessing what is going on with him. Then you'll know and you can decide where to go next. Yeah, it sucks that he isn't initiating but he's human too.

"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good."

Posts: 5298 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
Member # 14833
Default  Posted: 4:00 PM, May 2nd (Thursday)

Don't feel bad and don't apologize to any of us here...

It may take a while to get your brain around what's happened but you will...

Don't beat yourself up... This NB stuff isn't unicorns and rainbows...


The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time...

James Taylor

Posts: 5984 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: A better place
Member # 10552
Default  Posted: 9:21 PM, May 2nd (Thursday)

Don't beat yourself up for being human, honey... we all stumble in our NBs at one time or another.

I agree... can you bring it up with him? It might make you feel better to put it to rest, if nothing else.

Be kind to yourself. It's really okay.

Travel light, live light, spread the light, be the light. ~ Yogi Bhajan

Posts: 15420 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Now an AZ girl
Member # 37845
Default  Posted: 9:49 PM, May 2nd (Thursday)

Don't feel badly. I'll make you feel better with my story. :)

I have literally never been single since being of a dating age. I'm fine alone but I won't lie...I like companionship. In fact, I've been laughing about the fact that I've tried to stay prudish and have meaningful relationships my whole life...and where did that get me? I should have had some fun! Only...I'm just not wired that way.

My friends were desperate to set me up with this "nice guy". As it turns out, he's fun and I just went out with him as friends. At the end of the night, I had too much to drink (he actually got me to drink a cocktail and I ONLY drink wine. Never hard alcohol!!). Anyway, he convinced me to go meet his dog (really, I bought this. What am I - 15??). Anyway, he starts trying to make out with me. I'm basically in and out of consciousness until he tries to get serious and I'm like WTF no!!!!). End of story, at 37 years of age with 2 beautiful kids, I had to ask him to drive me home and basically did the walk of shame.

I mean, really??!! Anyway, I feel for you. Just shake it off and find a real man that cares for you. :)

And...I'm going to have to remind myself to delete this post later.

[This message edited by VeryUncertain at 9:51 PM, May 2nd (Thursday)]

BS (Me): 38
WH: 43
2 beautiful, precious daughters: 4 & 2
Found out early Aug. 2012, separated 2/4/13, in R (?) since 7/2013.

Posts: 166 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: MD
Topic Posts: 18