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User Topic: Voice recorder gives proof..hurts so much
mainlyinpain
Member
Member # 39134
Default  Posted: 2:03 AM, May 1st (Wednesday)

After third day .... I hear him with her on the phone.....telling her she can do things to make him feel better from all his woes...but worst of all...ends withtelling her he loves her...always told me he never said that to her....now I know it never ended in 2011 from the second time....I had spent all day with him as it is his birthday....then he goes to work to finish some paperwork up and calls her on his way home....
so much pain.....I love him and feel such love with him but knew there was a kink...a disconnect ....why oh why can't she find her own man...her own family....what are his plans going on behind my back...i feel so much like confronting him...i know that is not smart...what do i do....my world is gone...this is it.....i am 54 and my past is gone...was not real....god help me....don't know what to do
i never had girlfriends cuz i hated the way he looked at them...didnt realize I was doing that until recently....i am so broken


DD 1 - 7/7/2004
DD 2 - 10/31/2011
DD 3 - 4/30/2013(or continuation?)(Yes)
DD 4 - 9/25/2013
DD 5 - 2/15/2014 (found phone from 2009)

Posts: 491 | Registered: Apr 2013
mainlyinpain
Member
Member # 39134
Default  Posted: 2:07 AM, May 1st (Wednesday)

I want so much to go wake him up....i need his comfort...how sick is this....he will never end it with her....I want to contact her daughter and tell her that her mother is still involved with a married man...she was appalled to find out in 2011...can she possibly know about this? is he still involved with her with her family knowing? how can that be unless he has given them a timeline and told them he will divorce me when our son is finished with school? Has he been doing this to my life or lying to both of us? help god help I am so pathetic


DD 1 - 7/7/2004
DD 2 - 10/31/2011
DD 3 - 4/30/2013(or continuation?)(Yes)
DD 4 - 9/25/2013
DD 5 - 2/15/2014 (found phone from 2009)

Posts: 491 | Registered: Apr 2013
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 2:09 AM, May 1st (Wednesday)

(((HUGS))))


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9714 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
sparklingwater
Member
Member # 38792
Default  Posted: 2:12 AM, May 1st (Wednesday)

Sorry for your pain ((((hugs)))

Why can't you confront him?


Newly single and trying to find my feet.

There's always light at the end of the tunnel, just pray it's not a train.


Posts: 104 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Australia
mainlyinpain
Member
Member # 39134
Default  Posted: 2:16 AM, May 1st (Wednesday)

I think isnt it smart not to confront until I get more evidence? I want to be smart this time....not give him chance to cover stuff up....I want to know as much as I can know....thats all I remember from good advice...


DD 1 - 7/7/2004
DD 2 - 10/31/2011
DD 3 - 4/30/2013(or continuation?)(Yes)
DD 4 - 9/25/2013
DD 5 - 2/15/2014 (found phone from 2009)

Posts: 491 | Registered: Apr 2013
sparklingwater
Member
Member # 38792
Default  Posted: 2:44 AM, May 1st (Wednesday)

Ok. I had a read back on your previous posts.

I'm glad you found your way here to talk to people who have been through similar terrible times. You are free here to get advice or just vent in this awful time. We are here for you and will help however we can. Are you able to also get some IC so that you have someone safe in real life to talk to?

The healing library (top left yellow box) is somewhere to visit to get some sort of understanding about WS's. Importantly check out the frequently asked questions and the stuff on the 180. Sometimes you read the stuff and you are not ready for that yet, but you can come back to it later. Knowledge is power.

I am really so so sorry for your suffering. It's hard to believe how someone that you share your life with and love can be the one to hurt you so much. You wonder why they don't just leave you. There's all sorts of reasons for this I guess, but I think it's mostly for selfish reasons.

Other wiser members will be along soon with advice for you. I have just had to say goodbye to my partner as what he had done in my relationship was a dealbreaker for me. I didn't want to live my life that way.


Newly single and trying to find my feet.

There's always light at the end of the tunnel, just pray it's not a train.


Posts: 104 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Australia
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 2:45 AM, May 1st (Wednesday)

MIP, you don't need more evidence. You have *enough*. Your WH is a gas-lighter of epic proportions and he's not going to just *fall on his sword* if you present what you have to him. If you replay that VAR recording to him....he's going to turn it around on you and accuse you of being a crazy, obssessed person and you'll get so caught up in defending yourself that the *real* issue--his telling OW that he loves her, etc.--will get lost in the kerfluffle.

You can *love* him all that you want to, but that doesn't mean that you have to stick around and endure his cheating on you.

You very much need to consider that he is just waiting until your kid is done with school. He very well may be making plans behind your back, so you need to be pro-active and make sure that you are protected....because you can't trust him.

My MIL said the same thing that you did. She can't have friends because her husband (my serial-cheating FIL and Sultan's dad) fucks them all. When she told me that, I remember that I felt really sad for her. And I feel sad for you for the same reason. What your WH has done is a form of *control* over you and it's not right.

You are 54. You still have plenty of years in front of you. Think about how it will feel to spend them in a place of *happy*.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8034 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Lyonesse
Member
Member # 32943
Default  Posted: 2:47 AM, May 1st (Wednesday)

I'm sorry, MIP, I can hear your anguish. You are right, however, it would be better to record another day or two. If you wake him up, he will just gaslight more. He will not comfort you, because his guilty feelings will not allow it.

Think hard about seeing a lawyer tomorrow, to get advice. Knowledge is strength.

People will have more advice for you but my take is to watch a movie or something to distract yourself and don't confront until you have looked at your options and decided what you want to achieve with the confrontation.

Did you back up the info you got from the VAR? Keep it in a safe place.


Me: BS, 40's.

Posts: 1796 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: West Coast
mainlyinpain
Member
Member # 39134
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, May 1st (Wednesday)

I messed up
I confronted him I was shaking so much
He yelled and denied
I screwed up the recording....I think it erased on the var but I had held it up to my iphone to record another copy before that but that copy is all staticy
he listened to it but denied it was hime deniesall contact
I amgoing to confront her and tell herto stay away from my family
This is very scary
I feel so alone but thank thank you all for your support
I know I did the wrong thing
Damn my stupid heart


DD 1 - 7/7/2004
DD 2 - 10/31/2011
DD 3 - 4/30/2013(or continuation?)(Yes)
DD 4 - 9/25/2013
DD 5 - 2/15/2014 (found phone from 2009)

Posts: 491 | Registered: Apr 2013
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, May 1st (Wednesday)

Stop Mainly,
How is confronting her going to help you?

It is time to put you and your kid first. Get to a lawyer pronto, and find out what your rights are. Gather your evidence and decide what you want to do from that point.

He has disrespected you by doing this, and you know that he is manipulating you. He can deny all he wants, but you know.

Take a deep breath, and think about what you need, and want to be happy.

BTW - My MIL divorced at 54, and is the happiest person I know. She wasn't looking for another man, and she got a 1st place Man this time around. He is wonderful to her, and is kind and loving. She only regets not getting out sooner now.

(((( and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8598 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
mainlyinpain
Member
Member # 39134
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, May 1st (Wednesday)

I don't know...it is hard to know what is right. I feel that I want her actions and his to be known, I don't want to be part of the coverup, that led to it again.
I want people to know what she really is. Why would I protect her?
I guess its really a feeling of having control over something in this and being able to hurt her in some way or at least expose her.
I am sure I will regret it.
I talked to her coworker and gave her the message to give to her to stay out of our lives for what that is worth. The coworker was very nice and said that she had experienced this also with her ex-husband, had actually talked about how painful it was with this woman whose own husband actually cheated on her altho she had lied to my husband and said they divorced because he hit her.


DD 1 - 7/7/2004
DD 2 - 10/31/2011
DD 3 - 4/30/2013(or continuation?)(Yes)
DD 4 - 9/25/2013
DD 5 - 2/15/2014 (found phone from 2009)

Posts: 491 | Registered: Apr 2013
NoraLee
Member
Member # 37922
Default  Posted: 6:02 PM, May 1st (Wednesday)

Remember, you don't need to convince him - he already knows he's having an affair. You know because of the VAR...who cares if it got erased...you know what you heard. You don't need him to admit what YOU already know. He's not going to leave the A until he feels the consequences. I'd rather spend my life alone than be a third party in my own marriage...


Me - BW - 44
Him - FWH - 42
Married 16 years
D day - 1/2 truth - July 2012
Full disclosure - August 2012
EA with skanky waitress coworker
3 kids - 14, 16, 21
In R

Posts: 791 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Canada
2yrs+recovering
Member
Member # 31582
Default  Posted: 6:47 PM, May 1st (Wednesday)

I too was 54 when I finally confronted. I had a very remoreseful spouse and 4 yrs later life is much better.

Other posters are right, you know what you are dealing with, no need to prove anything. Get control of all you can control. Set up an account in your name and get as much assets as you can in it. Get the best lawyer his money can buy.

Get to a therapist and do all for yourself. This is where you start. One step at a time. And please read and implement as much of the 180 as you can.

Is this op married? Out this person to cooworkers, boss neighbors and other spouse if any. If there are adult children, out it to them too. I told everyone and anyone who would listen. I needed to tell so he could not spin his story and he could not. He dumped the ow like a hot potato and I believe he has not looked back. But I keep checking.

You deserve to be the one in control and you are!


BS (me)59 FWH 71
Married 35 years
4 children and 3 grandchildren
5 yrs into R.
Now that he has changed and become the man he should have been all along, why should I start over?

Posts: 560 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: New Jersey
mainlyinpain
Member
Member # 39134
Default  Posted: 9:53 PM, May 1st (Wednesday)

2yrs+ I like your reply. That's what I felt too that I wanted to out her, not be a party to their coverup. I messaged her adult daughter who was the one whose facebook page showed me pictures of their second affair. She was very kind to me when I asked her who the man in her pictures was and she found out he was married. Her mother had told her different. She was appalled as her father had cheated on her mother and she had had this girl (11 at the time) and her ten year old sister confront the father...what a vile person she is. She had cried on my husbands shoulder and said she was divorcing him because he hit her...daughter said that was a lie. She hasnt remarried since her divorce and start of affair with my husband in 1999-2004 and then again in maybe?2011 til present. She just uses my husband.
I am so sad
I don't know the facts of my own life. My memories of every day are skewed with the knowledge of the behind my back stuff
Hugs and thanks to all who have offered kindness and thoughts


DD 1 - 7/7/2004
DD 2 - 10/31/2011
DD 3 - 4/30/2013(or continuation?)(Yes)
DD 4 - 9/25/2013
DD 5 - 2/15/2014 (found phone from 2009)

Posts: 491 | Registered: Apr 2013
sparklingwater
Member
Member # 38792
Default  Posted: 2:53 AM, May 2nd (Thursday)

Keep us updated and let us know how you are doing. Just venting sometimes at least gives a little release. You know you are not alone here and have support. (((hugs)))


Newly single and trying to find my feet.

There's always light at the end of the tunnel, just pray it's not a train.


Posts: 104 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Australia
shiloe
Member
Member # 1224
Default  Posted: 5:32 AM, May 2nd (Thursday)

(Mainlyinpain)

Geeze . . . you need some help. I have been exactly where you are. Got to hear my H having sex in the car with his first OW. . .lucky me, got PTSD.
Now. Know this, it is not your fault. This is what you need to do. I know how hard it is but try to calm the pain and shock and think rationally.
He is not remorseful. He is pissed that you caught him. They will go underground. You will not be able to use the VAR anymore. It is him and her against the terrible wife. So the tape is no good, BUT it doesnít matter, you know the truth now. Yes, he will continue to deny it, further proof that his allegiance is with her.
They are going to very be cautious now. They do not want you to have any evidence against them so they can tell everyone else you are crazy, paranoid, etc,
I know it is expensive, but you might want to hire a PI. Or try putting a GPS on his car, without his knowledge, you can track him on your computer, in real time exactly where he goes and for how long. You can PM and I can tell you how if you like. Knowledge is power.
I would not confront the slut, (not at this point), she will lie and she donít give a sh@t about what you have to say.
I am sorry for you heartache. If I can help one more woman get through this crap, itís worth it.
No one deserves to be cheated on.


But remember, good love is hard to find . . -Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers
BS - 54
Cheater -54
Married 26 yrs
DD - 21 DD -19 DS-17
A#1 2000 with married ho-worker/neighbor ow#1
A#2 2007-? OW#2 LTA with yet another married ho-worker. Kicked h

Posts: 598 | Registered: Mar 2003
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, May 2nd (Thursday)

Mainly,
The reason I say not to contact OW isnt' because you shouldn't out it. It's because she will lie to you, she will either deny it, or more likely say it's so wonderful, and make you feel even weaker. Also confronting a broken person about ending this is a futile effort. She doesn't care, or want to hear what you are telling her.

You need to draw your proverbial line in the sand and be prepared to follow through if he crosses it.

This is really your only hope of ending it.
You can never force another person to do something because you want them to do it. If you are lucky, you can make them understand why they shouldnt do what they are doing. Kick his cakeeating plate out of his hand.

((((and strength)))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8598 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Heavy Sigh
Member
Member # 34243
Default  Posted: 10:00 AM, May 2nd (Thursday)

The result you want is the one that isn't going to happen. You want him to stop cheating and want some magic words or actions to make that happen.

It's not going to happen. Nothing changes until you, yourself, work on changing and getting stronger.


I understand being afraid to divorce and starting over.

Your first step is to work on yourself, not to "get him back" but to get YOU back or become the past YOU that was stronger, even if that YOU was when you were 10 or 12 or a child.

You can only change or strengthen yourself. Get into IC. Find friends but don't start immediately clinging to them crying, because in a way, you would be using that friend for a role to play for you.

What you need are friends and support outside of marriage, and you'll have to work on this over time. If you have family that's emotionally healthy, start there to reach out a little, visit them a little in small visits to re-establish contact.

Then after IC is working a bit, your world will have expanded beyond using your husband as a life-raft to protect you from the world and shut yourself away from it. Then you will know the difference between LOVING someone when you don't need them, vs. just NEEDING someone and thinking you love them when you don't, you're just being fearful.

Also - using your spouse as your only friend and conversationalist is a helluva lot of burden to have placed on him in life. You want to feel like his partner, not his legal dependent, to stay married. So you need to find your stronger version of yourself, more emotionally healthy one, and change that dynamic first.

Maybe the marriage will survive, maybe it won't, but at some point you have to get to where that answer won't matter as much as getting to be a whole, healthy person again.

[This message edited by Heavy Sigh at 10:03 AM, May 2nd (Thursday)]


Posts: 1917 | Registered: Dec 2011
mchercheur
Member
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 10:06 AM, May 2nd (Thursday)

(((mainlyinpain)))

I am so sorry this is happening to you. You do not deserve this. No one does.

Maybe I have read your post incorrectly, but it sounds like you have already given him a 2nd & 3rd chance. How many chances do you intend to keep giving him? Obviously he has no intention of stopping this abusive behavior.

Believe me, I know, the idea of starting out on your own when in your 50s is scary. But you can do it by taking one day at a time.
Meanwhile, can you even continue to live with someone who is treating you so disrespectfully?
You say you still love him.
The only hope you have to save your M is to walk away. Maybe if he sees that he will lose you, he will come out of the Fog. And if he doesn't, you don't want him, let that slut have him---she deserves what she will be getting.


together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1393 | Registered: Dec 2012
sportsfan
Member
Member # 9918
Default  Posted: 10:27 AM, May 2nd (Thursday)

You have enough proof. What you need now is the courage to kick him out of your life. Nobody needs this ... he is a cancer in your life. Remove the cancer.

Posts: 1962 | Registered: Feb 2006 | From: PA
mainlyinpain
Member
Member # 39134
Default  Posted: 5:49 PM, May 2nd (Thursday)

Heavy Sigh...this was kinda hurtful...((Also - using your spouse as your only friend and conversationalist is a helluva lot of burden to have placed on him in life. You want to feel like his partner, not his legal dependent, to stay married.))...kinda unnecessary too. Yes, I said that at this time I have no girlfriends...I have had them through marriage, been unlucky as that two moved to other states. Yes I realized recently that I have turned down many friendships if he appeared to find them attractive..I also have a big family that I am involved with. Even if this was not true, am too raw to be criticized about my marriage and about putting any kind of a burden on my husband.

His legal dependent to stay married? Don't even know what this means.


DD 1 - 7/7/2004
DD 2 - 10/31/2011
DD 3 - 4/30/2013(or continuation?)(Yes)
DD 4 - 9/25/2013
DD 5 - 2/15/2014 (found phone from 2009)

Posts: 491 | Registered: Apr 2013
mainlyinpain
Member
Member # 39134
Default  Posted: 5:54 PM, May 2nd (Thursday)

And this.?....
"using your husband as a life-raft to protect you from the world"

I don't use him and the protection I need is FROM him

Going in the corner to lick my extra wounds, now


DD 1 - 7/7/2004
DD 2 - 10/31/2011
DD 3 - 4/30/2013(or continuation?)(Yes)
DD 4 - 9/25/2013
DD 5 - 2/15/2014 (found phone from 2009)

Posts: 491 | Registered: Apr 2013
Safeguard
Member
Member # 38899
Default  Posted: 6:31 PM, May 2nd (Thursday)

Mainlyinpain,

No one should be psychoanalyzing your faults like that, especially when you are at your most vulnerable. I agree it was un called for.

Your IC will help you discover any changes, work you need to do. If it means anything at all, I did not see those things as true, (or false), I don't see how someone could know that about the dynamics of your life, just from what you posted. I am sorry you are hurting.


"since your actions don't match your words, excuse me while I stop believing you."

Posts: 143 | Registered: Apr 2013
NoraLee
Member
Member # 37922
Default  Posted: 7:00 PM, May 2nd (Thursday)

Hugs to you honey...that was a heavy 2x4 to throw your way...remember...all we offer is perspective and advice, take what you like and throw back what doesn't feel accurate right now. One thing we seem to all agree with...you don't deserve this...


Me - BW - 44
Him - FWH - 42
Married 16 years
D day - 1/2 truth - July 2012
Full disclosure - August 2012
EA with skanky waitress coworker
3 kids - 14, 16, 21
In R

Posts: 791 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Canada
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 7:13 PM, May 2nd (Thursday)

I don't know the facts of my own life. My memories of every day are skewed with the knowledge of the behind my back stuff

(((MORE HUGS)))

I am so sorry for what you're going through right now. The first sentence I quoted is one that staggered me for the better part of two years post DDay. I've done my own digging & discovered an astounding double life my STBX was leading. Each discovery destroyed me again & again, yet it was critical that I know, KNOW, the truth about my own life.

I couldn't have survived it without lots of counseling. Please please please get yourself into counseling immediately. For a couple of months I went 2x weekly! Then stepped down to 1x weekly. Then 2x monthly, then 1x monthly. Now I'm back to 2x monthly, although right now I need to be going 1x weekly because my divorce is almost over & the pressure is on.

You need to find a counselor.

BTW, I am doing all this, the starting over, and I'm in my 50's. It's not impossible to start over at this age. I'll be GD'd if I'm gonna let a cruel pervert like STBX ruin the rest of my life. Right now I'm really low & struggling, but that's because of all the stress. It's not going to kill me. I can do this.

You can do this, too.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9714 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
mainlyinpain
Member
Member # 39134
Default  Posted: 10:23 PM, May 2nd (Thursday)

Thank you NatureGirl and everyone for the good thoughts.
Perhaps when I said "my world is gone" it was supposed that I meant my husband, but what I really meant was that my world (or my past) that was what I thought it was was now colored with what had really been going on behind my back, so was no longer my reality. And I really have no idea what was really my world then because only she and he know that part of my life. Hate that. And hate how much work it is to get that information about my own life, my own marriage.
My original postings were very raw and visceral and it hurts to reread them. I feel sorry for that woman.
I don't recognize any part of my true self or my marriage or relationship with my husband in what HeavySigh said so I will just let it roll off my back.
Nature_Girl you are very strong and a good example for me.
I am searching for a counselor, it is hard to know who to pick. In 2004 the first time, the one I went to was not really effective, seemed to coddle my husband (he is good-looking and personable) so I am thinking maybe a male but don't know if that would be comfortable.
Nature_Girl, do you feel like you were able to find out enough to give you peace of mind finally?
I feel like I don't want to die without these pieces of my puzzle yet I have no control over which little morsels of my life I will be able to discover, unearth, or have someone else decide to tell me.
Almost like being an amnesiac and trying to construct your past from what people tell you.


DD 1 - 7/7/2004
DD 2 - 10/31/2011
DD 3 - 4/30/2013(or continuation?)(Yes)
DD 4 - 9/25/2013
DD 5 - 2/15/2014 (found phone from 2009)

Posts: 491 | Registered: Apr 2013
Edie
Member
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 4:15 AM, May 3rd (Friday)

Sorry you are hurting. MIP. I am afraid that I agree with the points of Heavy Sigh's post, even if it was not expressed as sympathetically as you need at present. Those of us who are several years out are of course a little removed from the immediate pain of Dday. That may mean that we come across as unsympathetic occasionally. But it also means we have a distance and experience that offers a long term perspective, and it is with both of these thati I tell you that the 180 is your best friend now.

To re-find yourself and break your dependency on your H.

This is no criticism -- so please do not react to it as such - it is life-saving advice. Be your own friend.


Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 5120 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: UK
mainlyinpain
Member
Member # 39134
Default  Posted: 10:25 AM, May 3rd (Friday)

Well...hell...you agree that I specifically use my husband as a life raft, that I, in my marriage have used my husband as my only friend and conversationalist and placed this heavy burden on him in life? I must have missed you in the rooms of my house and the years of my marriage. Were you another woman I didn't know about? Where, pray tell did you glean this information from the posts that I have made since Monday? Perhaps this was hers and your own projections of your particular lives but it is not my life. So unless you are saying that you believe this to be true of every BS and is a factor of every case of infidelity... You are saying that all infidelity is based on the BS relying too much on their spouse and this caused every case of infidelity. And my original DDay was 7/2004 so I have perspective. I am not dependent on my husband for my life. I do depend on him to be faithful to me. It is going to hurt when he is not even if I am the strongest emotional person in the world and the most varied conversationalist. No one is perfect so everyone can have issues to better themselves but none of them make the pain of infidelity less and none of them are the reason for infidelity. Not in my world.


DD 1 - 7/7/2004
DD 2 - 10/31/2011
DD 3 - 4/30/2013(or continuation?)(Yes)
DD 4 - 9/25/2013
DD 5 - 2/15/2014 (found phone from 2009)

Posts: 491 | Registered: Apr 2013
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 10:30 AM, May 3rd (Friday)

I understand your "my world" point of view. It took me a very long time to come to terms with the knowledge that my entire marriage was based on lies. My husband was not who he portrayed himself to be. Therefore, my marriage was not what I thought it was. All of the events were now recast in a different light since I had new information. Certain behaviors of his or certain incidents were no longer as I understood them, they were completely different, and not in a good way.

All my life I used to read stories about the wife who finds out that her husband is a __________. And I'd think, oh, she knew or she's an idiot. Then to realize that *I* am that wife? To find out that I'd been utterly duped? And worse, to look back and acknowledge that I'd willfully ignored certain clues & red flags, all in the name of blind trust and fidelity? Horrors!

Yes, it is like an amnesiac trying to reconstruct a past. Yes, I do feel I have enough pieces of the puzzle that I can have a large measure of peace of mind. No, I'll never know it all. Heck, he won't even admit to what I do know and have proof! So I'll never know everything. I'll never understand him because he's a character-disordered person. I'll never trust him with the children because he's a pervert as well as a character-disordered person. But I have enough information about him now as well as about our life together that I can make some sense of things. I am able to rewrite my life with what I think now is accurate information. Unfortunately the part I play in that life is often titled "Fool", but oh well, I was but am no longer. Now I reach out to people when I see in them similar themes as what I saw in myself. The only way I can tolerate having the disgusting black smears in my past is if I can use that heartbreak to help others.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9714 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
mainlyinpain
Member
Member # 39134
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, May 3rd (Friday)

Nature_Girl,
You are helping me the most here. Every sentence you write is like me talking to myself, me comforting myself. I think you endured much more than I have and to see your strength in the face of your horrors is amazing and uplifting. You make me cry for you which is good because empathy is good, too give and to get.


DD 1 - 7/7/2004
DD 2 - 10/31/2011
DD 3 - 4/30/2013(or continuation?)(Yes)
DD 4 - 9/25/2013
DD 5 - 2/15/2014 (found phone from 2009)

Posts: 491 | Registered: Apr 2013
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 11:14 AM, May 3rd (Friday)

I don't want to die without these pieces of my puzzle

And hate how much work it is to get that information about my own life, my own marriage.

^^^This issue became my *hill to die on*. Unbeknownst to me until a couple of years ago, Sultan cheated throughout our entire 20 year marriage. And suddenly, everything that I thought was true.....was turned into fiction. And it made me angry. I knew that *my* part in the marriage and life events had been authentic, but I highly resented that I had made a whole shit-ton of decisions based on *bad* or manipulated information.

Sultan never did 'fess up completely about all of his shenanigans and I finally decided that I was done with the *tooth-pulling* conversations. He wants to keep his secrets? Ok, fine. He can put them in the drawer right next to the divorce papers that he got.

See, there was no way that I could remain in a marriage with a person that insisted that I just *ignore* my distorted past.

I used to feel that I needed to *know* all the pieces to the puzzle. And that would still be true if I were to remain married to him. But I cut the cord....and now it's just not important anymore. I just don't give a flip. I've pretty much *wiped* any nice thing that he said or did for me in the years before I found out...and written them off as either guilt-assuagers or outright manipulation since he never cared to sufficiently *explain* why they weren't.

All I know is that *I* had my head in the marriage and the things that *I* did were done in the best interest of the family. Him?....not so much. So, whatever.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8034 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
mainlyinpain
Member
Member # 39134
Default  Posted: 11:16 AM, May 3rd (Friday)

I am struggling with what to believe. I am afraid to have faith in something because so fearful of believing and then finding out not true.
Husband had original EA ?99 to 11/21 and then escalated to include PA until 7/2004
I believe there was some kind of contact for maybe another year but not much
Found out new contact 11/2011.
Supposed to have ended but just found out new contact last Friday or not ended since 2011 more probably.
Sorry, I have to keep this straight for myself.
Anyway, there was the PA and this time he says there was no sex with her since 2004. He still won't admit to any contact at all though, I can see him struggling with this and he cries and says he needs to see a psychiatrist before he talks about this but that he can assure me that he has had sex with no one but me since 2004.
Can I believe this? At all?
He is a disordered person, I would say a pathological liar, so he is stopping himself now from denying contact, which he did at first even after I played his phone messages. He is no longer saying I am crazy, he just says please let me see a psychiatrist before we talk about that but I want you to know that I have only had sex with you since 2004.
I don't know if he is lying to himself which is does or if I can have faith in this. It is important to me.
It would be the height of cruelty of him if he insists on this and it is not true. I want to believe but I also know that he can lie to himself and truly believe it to the point where I think he would pass a lie detector test. I know he needs help and he really wants it. He really wants to save our marriage. I have agreed to let him see a psychiatrist before we talk about what he has been doing but can I have any faith in what he says about no sex? Would he be cruel enough to say this and it not be true?


DD 1 - 7/7/2004
DD 2 - 10/31/2011
DD 3 - 4/30/2013(or continuation?)(Yes)
DD 4 - 9/25/2013
DD 5 - 2/15/2014 (found phone from 2009)

Posts: 491 | Registered: Apr 2013
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, May 3rd (Friday)

I'm not understanding why he *needs* to talk to a psych before he has a conversation with you. It's giving me a *bad vibe*....


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8034 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
2yrs+recovering
Member
Member # 31582
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, May 3rd (Friday)

You need to take control as this will give you what you need to move forward...whatever way that is. See a really great attorney right away. This does not mean you will divorce in the end. But you will have knowledge and that is power.

Now in the beginning all of this is overwhelming and I do not like any negative criticism, especially in the beginning. No need for that at all.

Disregard anything that makes you feel worse and take in only what empowers you.

Get the lawyer, read and enact as much of the 180 as you can. Get a grip on anything you can. Start with your finances.

Put your mask on first!!!


BS (me)59 FWH 71
Married 35 years
4 children and 3 grandchildren
5 yrs into R.
Now that he has changed and become the man he should have been all along, why should I start over?

Posts: 560 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: New Jersey
mainlyinpain
Member
Member # 39134
Default  Posted: 1:20 PM, May 3rd (Friday)

I don't understand the 180 thing.
I am supposed to ignore what happened and kind of remove myself from him almost? But also go into mc with him? Aren't I supposed to spill my guts there with him? Or should I delay that?
I respect that many people recommend the 180 but if we are at a crisis point where he is making a decision about who he wants to be with how is showing him a cold shoulder showing how I truly feel? Is it just that I accept that I have no influence on him and only on me? Then why can't I behave like me? Confused.


DD 1 - 7/7/2004
DD 2 - 10/31/2011
DD 3 - 4/30/2013(or continuation?)(Yes)
DD 4 - 9/25/2013
DD 5 - 2/15/2014 (found phone from 2009)

Posts: 491 | Registered: Apr 2013
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 1:23 PM, May 3rd (Friday)

I'm not understanding why he *needs* to talk to a psych before he has a conversation with you. It's giving me a *bad vibe*....

I agree. That's a really disturbing thing to insist on. That's troubling.

Also, I agree that you need to get yourself to a divorce lawyer ASAP. You need information. Right now you have discovered you've been in the dark, that your husband is the one who's deliberately kept you there. He is treating you like a mushroom as far as darkness and diet. It's up to YOU to shine the light on this situation, whatever it is. It's up to you to decide what you'll stomach.

Talk to a lawyer. Don't let your husband delay talking to YOU via the trumped up need for a psychiatrist. He's buying time. He's taking more power & control over you. I urge you to be the driver, here.

If you're wondering if cheating spouses truly do lie right to our faces, the answer is yes, they do. My husband invoked his mother's grave and our children's lives, screamed those invocations, actually, as he insisted he was a faithful, loving husband. He screamed for God to be his witness, he begged God to strike him down with a lightning bolt, if he'd ever been unfaithful or lied to me. He sobbed, he blubbered, he despondently whispered that everything was all untrue... He pleaded & begged me to believe him.

During most of our marriage I would have believed him. Surely no one could say those things and be lying, right? A man wouldn't become that hysterical if he wasn't telling the truth, right? But after DDay, and after each successive discovery? That line from Shakespeare kept ringing in my head, "Methinks the [man] doth protest too much."


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9714 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
LookingforLove
Member
Member # 12002
Default  Posted: 1:23 PM, May 3rd (Friday)

I have been where you are.

Ex-H had affair with HO-worker. Started 2000-lasted a year and threw her under the bus when I found out. They started up again in 2006 and didn't stop.

Mine did what yours is doing..said he wasn't doing it, said I was crazy, wanted counseling but in the end he just took it more underground.

Nothing I said to him or the Ho-worker made a difference...(btw--my OW's kids were friends with mine as they went to school together, played together and visited each other's houses). So she knew my kids and didn't care that she was breaking up my family...

The problem is not with OW as she doesn't care about you or your kids or how much you hurt. Your problem is with your H as he is the one that made vows to you..and you have to let him know that you will no longer tolerate 3 in your marriage.

1) See a lawyer and find out your options.
2) File for divorce. I say this because he will not take you seriously unless you let him know the consequences of his decisions/actions. You can put the D on hold if his actions change and you have proof that he is no longer in contact..Most states will let you put a D on hold for up to a year before you have to decide if you are going to go through with it or have them dismiss it..but he has to understand that you are serious about what you expect in your marriage...

My SI friends told me this for 6 years but I just wanted to save my marriage..problem was, I was the only one trying to save it. I filed and it took me a year to get D but he wouldn't stop seeing her.

He suffered the consequences by losing his family (my oldest does not talk to him), his home (I got the house)and he got all the debt (he had more in retirement so instead of giving me half, he got the debt). He also pays child support every month...

I am happier now, I have peace and I have a wonderful SO that gives me the respect I deserve...And BTW, I filed at the age of 52...I was scared of being alone, of losing everything, of the future. But I could no longer put up with his A.

It can be done but you need to get strong, make a decision about what you will tolerate and take action..

I am praying for you!!!


Me: BS
Him: WS LTA 6+ yrs
OW: Skank Company HO
23 years of Marriage down the drain
Filed 4/5/11
Divorced 4/17/12

Posts: 1153 | Registered: Sep 2006 | From: Washington State
keptmypromise
Member
Member # 36178
Default  Posted: 1:42 PM, May 3rd (Friday)

If you are able...hire a PI. He may be hiding money in hidden accounts. I am deeply sorry for all this pain. I an 54 years old, and maybe its just us who have entered that back 9 of life, but it seems that all the dreams/plans we had for a peaceful/serene transition to our elderly years get ripped apart by those we trusted most.


Me - BH 54 years
Her - WS 46 years
DD - 6/13/11 (2 total that i know of)
DD - 14
DD - 11
In R...The long and Winding Road

Posts: 254 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Ohio
mainlyinpain
Member
Member # 39134
Default  Posted: 1:58 PM, May 3rd (Friday)

Heck Nature_Girl...just last night he swore on everyone's graves, my son's, mine, his mother's...My son is traveling and I have been worried about him because of this.
Why do you think he is insisting on psych? I just can't think of reason and just want to know of possibilities? Any ideas...don't care how awful...want to steel myself


DD 1 - 7/7/2004
DD 2 - 10/31/2011
DD 3 - 4/30/2013(or continuation?)(Yes)
DD 4 - 9/25/2013
DD 5 - 2/15/2014 (found phone from 2009)

Posts: 491 | Registered: Apr 2013
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 2:10 PM, May 3rd (Friday)

Let's see, why might he insist on a psych? Well, maybe it's just BS, he's simply stalling, hoping you'll "forget" or be lulled back into complacency. Or, maybe he's actually seeing men as well as women. So he wants to delay telling you THAT. Maybe the OW is a psychiatrist. Maybe he's just stalling for time while he cleans out the bank accounts and sets himself up in an apartment with or without the OW. Maybe he's a polygamist. Maybe the psychiatrist is actually a divorce lawyer, and he's going to surprise YOU with being served.

You already know he's a liar and a cheater. You heard him with your own ears. You need to talk to an IC. Not MC, and IC. Get your own head screwed on straight, let a professional help you sort your thoughts out. MC can come later.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9714 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
mainlyinpain
Member
Member # 39134
Default  Posted: 2:26 PM, May 3rd (Friday)

okay


DD 1 - 7/7/2004
DD 2 - 10/31/2011
DD 3 - 4/30/2013(or continuation?)(Yes)
DD 4 - 9/25/2013
DD 5 - 2/15/2014 (found phone from 2009)

Posts: 491 | Registered: Apr 2013
sparklingwater
Member
Member # 38792
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, May 3rd (Friday)

MIP, the 180 helps you detach somewhat from your WS and work on strengthening and building up yourself. Putting yourself first. For me, I didn't take it to extremes - I was available to him but not overly available if you know what I mean. I think it also gives the WS a sense of "losing you" which can help wake them up a bit.

We can only speculate about what the psychiatrist thing is all about. It could be a way of staling, or he could be recognizing he needs some help. If he wants to go down this path, sooner the better.


Newly single and trying to find my feet.

There's always light at the end of the tunnel, just pray it's not a train.


Posts: 104 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Australia
LookingforLove
Member
Member # 12002
Default  Posted: 2:48 PM, May 3rd (Friday)

Forgot to tell you a couple of things...

1. Going to IC is good as it is for you, to help you get clarity about the situation and get strong so you can deal with it. I went to IC for almost a year, before and after I filed.

2. Make copies of all finances--bank account records and statements, pay-stubs, tax returns, bills. This will be important to an attorney. You will be able to find out if he is withdrawing funds or spending money on hotels/restaurants that you haven't been to.

My attorney plugged in my EX's SS # into one of the Credit reporting agencies and my Ex-H had opened credit card accounts in his name that I did not know about. Even though they were in his name, we were married and I was responsible for the debt he created. Through his own personal bank account he had spent over 10K dollars in 6 years on his A that I did not know about. He was depositing his bonus money in that account.

Having an A in most states is not illegal, spending community property money on an A is a different matter.

The courts look at it as if he is taking money away from his family to support another lifestyle that does not benefit you or your kids.

I want you to protect yourself emotionally as well as financially!!!


Me: BS
Him: WS LTA 6+ yrs
OW: Skank Company HO
23 years of Marriage down the drain
Filed 4/5/11
Divorced 4/17/12

Posts: 1153 | Registered: Sep 2006 | From: Washington State
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, May 3rd (Friday)

I sucked at the 180. I tried, but I was so weak, in large part because I did not have enough information. Plus, STBX was and still is a Grand Poobah Wizard Master of Manipulation. Me getting lots of IC helped me know myself and my strengths. Me conferring with a divorce attorney gave me information & courage. Me becoming a full-time resident of SI gave me direction & clear vision. Me putting myself first gave me kindness and care I wasn't getting from him.

But I still cooked family meals, still did his laundry, still talked to him. Any time I tried to pull back he'd use the kids to get me back. "Mommy is mad at me. Go ask Mommy if she'll _________ for me." Really not possible to 180 when you're looking at your beautiful babies pleading with you. I had to do what I could to protect myself, establish my boundaries, work on my head to examine the contents.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9714 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
2yrs+recovering
Member
Member # 31582
Default  Posted: 3:57 PM, May 3rd (Friday)

If you're wondering if cheating spouses truly do lie right to our faces, the answer is yes, they do. My husband invoked his mother's grave and our children's lives, screamed those invocations, actually, as he insisted he was a faithful, loving husband. He screamed for God to be his witness, he begged God to strike him down with a lightning bolt, if he'd ever been unfaithful or lied to me. He sobbed, he blubbered, he despondently whispered that everything was all untrue... He pleaded & begged me to believe him.

During most of our marriage I would have believed him. Surely no one could say those things and be lying, right? A man wouldn't become that hysterical if he wasn't telling the truth, right? But after DDay, and after each successive discovery? That line from Shakespeare kept ringing in my head, "Methinks the [man] doth protest too much."

My FWH told me I was crazy for years and swore on the lives of his Granchildren that there was nothing going on!!!!!

Read my profile...there was alot of "nothing"

When asked in mc how he could swear on the lives of his Grandchildren, he stated he didn't remember saying that!!!!!

They will say ANYTHING when they are cornered.

My FWH didn't take it seriously until I threw his ass out and told him to go with her.

She didn't want him when she could have him all to herself.

So take yourself to a lawyer, how many different ways can it be said?


BS (me)59 FWH 71
Married 35 years
4 children and 3 grandchildren
5 yrs into R.
Now that he has changed and become the man he should have been all along, why should I start over?

Posts: 560 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: New Jersey
mainlyinpain
Member
Member # 39134
Default  Posted: 5:27 PM, May 3rd (Friday)

All this pain, all your stories are so sad. Why isn't this epidemic given more attention? It seems as destructive as any cancer to me yet I had no idea really of its destructiveness until I was a victim and even then after the first discovery I was really not put on any path of true understanding.
This is the only place where people make sense. I really think you have to have experienced it to help someone. I have found an IC for me and hope to have an appt next week. I have found a good PI and will see what she says next week. I still have to find a good lawyer. And altho it feels bizarre I have to find my husband a psychiatrist. Only because he has many work obligations right now and is doing overtime. Feels like I am in limbo but my son comes home from NY tonight so YAY! I will get some love from him, altho I have to hide all this from him which is hard. Just want to make the right decisions but what to do when everything is SNAFU


DD 1 - 7/7/2004
DD 2 - 10/31/2011
DD 3 - 4/30/2013(or continuation?)(Yes)
DD 4 - 9/25/2013
DD 5 - 2/15/2014 (found phone from 2009)

Posts: 491 | Registered: Apr 2013
sparklingwater
Member
Member # 38792
Default  Posted: 5:54 PM, May 3rd (Friday)

Have a wonderful time with your son. I found it hard to hide my crying etc from my teenager no matter how hard I tried, mind you someone only had to look at me or something to set me off again :/

I'm doing much better now, time is a good healer, and getting things put into place, ie IC, lawyer etc helps as it gives you something to plan and think about and is a step in the right direction.

Enjoy the love from your son.


Newly single and trying to find my feet.

There's always light at the end of the tunnel, just pray it's not a train.


Posts: 104 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Australia
mainlyinpain
Member
Member # 39134
Default  Posted: 7:05 PM, May 4th (Saturday)

I am absorbing everyone's advice and experiences. I am being aloof and mysterious...don't laugh.
But really, I am trying some of the 180 and finding that it calms me somewhat, it gives me a guideline and makes me feel less scattered, more in control.
Husband really can't talk about it at all he says until he sees a psychiatrist. Won't even admit to any contact. If I try to question him at all he is very anxious and upset. But I did get him to admit to having a hidden cell phone. One of those throw away ones. First he denied denied but I told him he could give me some reason to keep on a path with him and if he couldn't give me words or revelations, he could just go get and then hand me this cell phone. Now, he told me that he threw it in a dumpster the morning after I played him the Voice recorder conversation. I think this may be the truth but not sure. At any rate I have to view it as progress. He became agitated when I asked how long he had had it, which I think means for a looong time, but maybe this revelation is progress? Don't know. This is going to be so hard and for the third time now. I am fearful of not getting all the information I need, of not getting full disclosure and always living with questions if we stay together or even if we don't. I keep remembering days when things felt off to me and realizing why now...this is so sad to once again have to rewrite my memories.


DD 1 - 7/7/2004
DD 2 - 10/31/2011
DD 3 - 4/30/2013(or continuation?)(Yes)
DD 4 - 9/25/2013
DD 5 - 2/15/2014 (found phone from 2009)

Posts: 491 | Registered: Apr 2013
Ladyogilvy
Member
Member # 31558
Default  Posted: 8:51 PM, May 5th (Sunday)

If you are willing to give him the gift or R, he needs to know anything less than complete transparency will cause serious long term damage. My WH was incapable of telling the truth to save his own life... Alcoholic, self destructive, asshole! It's been two years and I am still pissed off because he's never come clean. He sober now but the first year was hell and the second year, going into our third now, is still hard because I can't forgive him for the lies and secrets he's never come clean over. If I knew he was never going to come clean, if I knew My boys and I were going to have to endure so much the last couple of years, I think I would have ended it there. For a long time it made sense to try because he was finally getting sober after years of abuse. That seemed like the wrong time to leave. Now there's this sense of feeling like we've been through so much, now would be the wrong time to leave because then it's all been for nothing. Don't let him make the same mistakes my WH did and if he insists on making the same mistakes, get out sooner than later or risk PTSD like me. get on with your life and be the person you want to be instead of someone riding an emotional exhausting roller coaster for years on end. Unless, and this is a judgement only you can make, unless risk to your children would be greater in divorce than in staying. Sorry for my emotional response. I'm having one of those days. But, hopefully others can learn from my mistakes. Right now, I feel like I've done nearly everything wrong from the moment I decided to spend my life with WH.


Me: BW a youthful 49
Him: alcoholic, sober now, WH 56
Married 19 years
Two sons, 16 & 17 years old
DD? He's still keeping secrets and only admits to what I have indisputable
evidence of... the $2000 earrings he bought her for x-mas.

Posts: 1531 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: California
2yrs+recovering
Member
Member # 31582
Default  Posted: 9:18 AM, May 6th (Monday)

Nice to hear from you Ladyo.

Mainly - You are right there are a lot of sad stories, but also a lot of experience and valuable information.

Figuring out what is best for you will be your hardest job.

Take your time, take all the time you want.

Except do not pass go, get the legal advice right away!!!


BS (me)59 FWH 71
Married 35 years
4 children and 3 grandchildren
5 yrs into R.
Now that he has changed and become the man he should have been all along, why should I start over?

Posts: 560 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: New Jersey
mainlyinpain
Member
Member # 39134
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, May 6th (Monday)

Could someone tell me how to read someone else's profile? Thanks much.


DD 1 - 7/7/2004
DD 2 - 10/31/2011
DD 3 - 4/30/2013(or continuation?)(Yes)
DD 4 - 9/25/2013
DD 5 - 2/15/2014 (found phone from 2009)

Posts: 491 | Registered: Apr 2013
Getting to Happy
Member
Member # 35200
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, May 6th (Monday)

There is a happy face on the upper right hand corner of all posts. Click that happy face and the profile will show up.

I hope you are having a better day. You are in my thoughts today. Sending you strength and light.


WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
Unknown


Posts: 1140 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: La La Land
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 2:03 PM, May 6th (Monday)

(((mainly))))

He definitely is using the Psych as a delay tactic. And YOU have to find one for him? He is manipulating you.

How about you telling him he needs to come home tonight with an appointment for a psychiatrist, if he doesn't well then he shouldn't bother coming home.

He has continued to lie to you. He is admitting only what he is afraid you already know.

This time sucks for sure. But one thing about R, and healing from this is that you get to be in the driver seat. He lost the chance to be a decision maker, when he lied to you yet again.

YOU get to dictate how this will go, and if he chooses not to do it, then do you really want to be with someone that does not respect you enough to do what you ask? It's not like you are asking for outragous things. You want transparancy, honesty, and him to be in a marriage that involves just 2 adults. You and him.

((((and strength)))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8598 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
mainlyinpain
Member
Member # 39134
Default  Posted: 11:30 PM, May 6th (Monday)

Thank you all for the kind words and support. You don't know what it means to me. I love you all for your kind caring souls. I think the not talking until seeing a psychiatrist is stalling at least in part, a way to delay having to come clean and pay the consequences. He has always, in everything, tried to evade blame for anything falling on himself. I also think though that he does not have the skills to be truthful and he is searching for that. I also did get him to tell me that this time started "in 2013" so maybe a year at most with no contact since 11/2011 time? He wouldn't tell me what month so I am guessing January. And he wouldn't tell me who initiated it so I am guessing he did. That hurts.
This is definitely it for me if we can stay together this time. I so wish I had done investigating earlier, that I knew how to do that in the past. There will definitely be a lot of it from now on which I hate my life having come to. He needs help for his habitual lying, something I have known forever. He knows now too but I don't know if he will work hard enough to overcome. I am afraid, afraid, afraid. I see all the other couples in my life, our age so secure with each other and I want that feeling. This shouldn't be so hard.
He tells me he loves only me, wants to grow old with me. Will never do this again. But I have heard it all before...there is no room for hope in my heart. Sad sad sad.


DD 1 - 7/7/2004
DD 2 - 10/31/2011
DD 3 - 4/30/2013(or continuation?)(Yes)
DD 4 - 9/25/2013
DD 5 - 2/15/2014 (found phone from 2009)

Posts: 491 | Registered: Apr 2013
haleyscomet
Member
Member # 38250
Default  Posted: 1:15 AM, May 7th (Tuesday)

Ladyogilvy: get out sooner than later or risk PTSD like me. get on with your life and be the person you want to be instead of someone riding an emotional exhausting roller coaster for years on end

your words ring so so true and comforting for me... mine was/is an "Alcoholic, self destructive, asshole!" who never came clean.

mainlyinpain: I see all the other couples in my life, our age so secure with each other and I want that feeling. This shouldn't be so hard.
He tells me he loves only me, wants to grow old with me. Will never do this again. But I have heard it all before...there is no room for hope in my heart. Sad sad sad.

Be strong. For me, the longer I stay away - the stronger I get. Keep doing whatever it is that makes you feel stronger.

Mine never 'came clean' either - but like I read someone say earlier -- it doesn't even matter to me anymore (I left him).

[This message edited by haleyscomet at 1:15 AM, May 7th (Tuesday)]


me: bgf - 46
him: wwbf - 40
lived together 2-1/2 years
dday1 dec 16 2012 found texts
dday2 dec 29 2012 intercepted texts
dday3 feb 20 2013 found texts during false R
status: its over


Posts: 68 | Registered: Jan 2013
LearningToFly
Member
Member # 39073
Default  Posted: 1:51 AM, May 7th (Tuesday)

I'm so sorry you are facing this. I am your age and after 30 years together I felt kicked in the stomach and heart over and over while reading the emails OW and WH wrote to each other. We have had so many tough things happen to our family in the last several years and life has been really hard. I never thought my husband was cheating though he was certainly mean and disconnected. This was something he did to our family all on his own.

It hurts to find out you were believing lies.


Me - BS (53) Him-WS(58)
Her OW(55) HighSchoolGirlfriend
Together 30 years Married 28 Kids 24,21,18
D day Feb 26 2013 after 20 months
D day March 4 they met again "to say goodbye"
D day April 2 found out about secret email

Posts: 188 | Registered: Apr 2013
TheAgonyOfIt
Member
Member # 39114
Default  Posted: 1:56 AM, May 7th (Tuesday)

Hi mostly. I am so terribly sorry for your heart wrenching pain. I found letters between my WS and OW but thankfully never heard it. For some reason, the hearing would be that much more piercing, and my agony has been almost unbearable at times.

I *think* I might have started the 180 a bit and its really helping me to feel planted on the ground. And I realize that I do not, DO NOT, love liars. Imagine what staying with your liar will continue to do to you. hsosoooooooooooooso wzsy


Me BS 49, ExWS: narcissist! Jekyll Hyde. Left in secret early July, moved states. Now homeless but getting it together. Necessary but difficult(!) transition! Sad sad sad but hopeful.

Posts: 554 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: theagonyofit
TheAgonyOfIt
Member
Member # 39114
Default  Posted: 1:59 AM, May 7th (Tuesday)

Sorry, difficult to post on mobile device. Others here have given you excellent, smart, wise, take care of yourself advice. Do whatever u need to do, and please do everything they said. Its all for your own protection and self empowerment.

So so sorry for your sadness and agony.


Me BS 49, ExWS: narcissist! Jekyll Hyde. Left in secret early July, moved states. Now homeless but getting it together. Necessary but difficult(!) transition! Sad sad sad but hopeful.

Posts: 554 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: theagonyofit
mainlyinpain
Member
Member # 39134
Default  Posted: 5:31 PM, May 16th (Thursday)

So, he had his psychiatrist appt today at 3pm. I have been waiting two weeks since I discovered evidence on VAR. He hasn't really told me anything except that he wants to stay with me. Not sure I believe that it will JUST be with me. I am not sure how to act when (or if) he tells me his story tonight. Do I do any of the 180 now or just in the days to come? Can't imagine being happy and aloof after he tells what he is going to tell. And what do I do when he gaslights? That is my biggest anxiety. Am I supposed to be understanding of his angst, his problems where he will say he doesn't remember saying the words on the recorder? This is what he said he had to see a psych about but I think it is really only himself wanting to believe his own lies, to control all. I do feel sorry for him. Is that wrong? Should I rein that in? I don't feel like being angry is right for him as "criticizing" him never works and anything but rainbows and puppy dogs is criticizing. I really just want to know truths, what happened, what will happen and how he really feels. No telling me he loves only me if that is not true. But I think he knows I will end it if he admits to loving this thing. But it would kill me if he ended up with her and she would be forever in my life. I just feel like his being with her has eroded his true personality and I don't know if the one I love will return.
What do I do if he wants to delay the talk? His cousin died today and I am afraid he will say he is unable to have the talk today. Don't know what I will do then. Have felt so controlled by him with this delay, but he says he is doing all that he can. Worry about what is and has been possibly going on behind my back. It never ends


DD 1 - 7/7/2004
DD 2 - 10/31/2011
DD 3 - 4/30/2013(or continuation?)(Yes)
DD 4 - 9/25/2013
DD 5 - 2/15/2014 (found phone from 2009)

Posts: 491 | Registered: Apr 2013
2yrs+recovering
Member
Member # 31582
Default  Posted: 8:16 AM, May 17th (Friday)

Mainly,

You are having all the feelings you should have. The anxiety, fear, feeling manipulated. And just realizing that this is normal at this stage is very important. Taking care of yourself first is your most important job.

I know it may sound like harping, and you may have already taken care of this, but...have you sought legal help. Just knowing my legal rights gave me great power. And, as you can see I am not divorced. But, my wh, just knowing what could happen legally, gave him a sudden clarity!!! L(LOL)_

Keep posting, the support here is invaluable.


BS (me)59 FWH 71
Married 35 years
4 children and 3 grandchildren
5 yrs into R.
Now that he has changed and become the man he should have been all along, why should I start over?

Posts: 560 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: New Jersey
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 8:43 AM, May 17th (Friday)

2 years is right.

In addition to what she said, I would like to say that I too saw an attorney about my rights, and that was prior to D Day (I knew something was amiss and he wouldn't talk).

Dont let him control the situation, or you. You are in control of yourself, and what you allow yourself to tolerate. It's up to you to decide that. It is normal to feel sad, and to still love the man you married, but are you willing to allow him to continually disrespect you, and manipulate the situation so that you don't get honest answers is not really helping anyone.

Sending many hugs and strength.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8598 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Topic Posts: 61