SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Reconciliation
User Topic: Terrible callous person or dealbreaker?
RightTrack
Member
Member # 36976
Default  Posted: 10:29 PM, May 1st (Wednesday)

This morning WH embarked on a very dangerous job. I listened to the operation he'd planned, kissed him good-bye and then was shocked that I spent the rest of the morning hoping he'd die. My girlfriend called before 8 and I was disappointed it wasn't his boss calling with the bad news. I don't want to divorce because of the kids and our finances. I want to keep the house, keep the kids and keep the kids in private school BUT my idea of perfect would be to have all these things and to have him conveniently out of the picture.

He has been a model WH, very remorseful, helpful, but he says he had his affair in part because he believed I was going to die (Stage III cancer diagnosis) and he didn't want to be alone. So he cheated with dumb MOW.

I am happy with him when he is home. I can go 10-12 hours at a time not thinking about his cheating but I am concerned about my wishing for his demise. I am worried I can't reconcile with him, that this is a sign that no matter what he does in the future that this was a deal breaker.

Impossible isn't it? To really love someone and work to reconcile with them but to wish them dead?

You at SI are such nice people. You have been nothing but positive with me, I don't know if you've been in this place. I must be a terrible person.


Posts: 621 | Registered: Sep 2012
StrongerOne
Member
Member # 36915
Default  Posted: 10:48 PM, May 1st (Wednesday)

If you're a terrible person, so am I. I've had this exact feeling. Forgive yourself. As long as you are not helping him along to being dead, it's ok.

Hugs to you, it gets better, eventually, if he is trying


DDay Feb 2011.
In R.

Posts: 863 | Registered: Sep 2012
RightTrack
Member
Member # 36976
Default  Posted: 10:55 PM, May 1st (Wednesday)

Thanks for that. I can definitely say that he is not just trying to reconcile but that he has been fantastic. He's spent the last year being the husband I always wanted. And yet, here I am, a year out, "successfully reconciled" and still thinking I'd just rather not have him around.

I always told him an affair would be a deal breaker for me. If we didn't have kids I wouldn't have given divorce a second thought. Most days I'm glad I'm still here with him but I guess not today.


Posts: 621 | Registered: Sep 2012
NoraLee
Member
Member # 37922
Default  Posted: 11:19 PM, May 1st (Wednesday)

Eeek...me too! My H has been the model of remorse but I have had the same thoughts! It's not that I wouldn't be devastated... But no more worrying, checking up...but at the same time I've had panic attacks that he would die before we could repair the damage...

It's amazing how infidelity makes us think...


Me - BW - 44
Him - FWH - 42
Married 16 years
D day - 1/2 truth - July 2012
Full disclosure - August 2012
EA with skanky waitress coworker
3 kids - 14, 16, 21
In R

Posts: 791 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Canada
Hearthache again
Member
Member # 28564
Default  Posted: 11:28 PM, May 1st (Wednesday)

Personally I think this is very normal. I thought how easier it would of been if he just died. I even told him once if OW showed up to his funeral I would be in jail.

I also think death is a very common issue to talk about and think about when you are so close to it at one point in your life. Near death experience for me and having watched my sister fight cancer at such a young age(23).

I put myself as fully R and can not imagine ever being with out my H. I am also very happy with my H. We are each others best friends. If I can say that and I still had those same thoughts, it's normal.


Me-BS(32)
Him-WS(35)
Married-12 years together 13
Kids 4: 15, 12, 8, and 3
DDay#1 9-26-2008 Dday#2 4-26-2010
We have R!!! But I still hate the number 26!

This too shall pass
I edit a lot because that stupid box is so small!


Posts: 871 | Registered: May 2010 | From: Michigan
avicarswife
Member
Member # 35799
Default  Posted: 12:42 AM, May 2nd (Thursday)

No I don't think you are callous or that the affair is necessarily a dealbreaker.

I think human emotion is hugely complex - the pain and grief you feel from betrayal seems to me to be similar to grief you feel when someone you love dies.

Also R seems to be fraught with pain as you explore things deeply. At times I want off the crazy train and aren't always particular about how this could be achieved!


BS: 47 (me)
WH: 51
Married 26 yrs, 3 kids (16-24)
D-Days 2012: 23 - 24 May + TT
D-Day 2013: 12 Apr OW#3
mOW #1 EA yrs PA Feb 2009-end 2011
mOW #2 EA months PA 4 months 2010
OW #3 PA single time 2010
Status: Maybe 'R'

Posts: 723 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: "down-under"
SuperDuperWonderboy
Member
Member # 34716
Default  Posted: 12:52 AM, May 2nd (Thursday)

Color me guilty. No I actually don't want my wife dead. But I used to fantasize about how easy life would be for me and the kids if her plane crashed coming back from a work trip. And having lost my mom at a young age, I know that regardless if she and I reconciled, the death of their mom would be horrific. But that doesn't mean I didn't fantasize about the release from this.

Funny thing though, it still wouldn't have undone the damage already inflicted. And she has been integral in my and our healing...so it's a good thing nobody answered my silent prayer. Phew.


My Friends call me Wonderboy--That's Mr. SuperduperWonderboy to you Tred.


Posts: 1272 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Everett
inca
Member
Member # 35298
Default  Posted: 1:02 AM, May 2nd (Thursday)

I feel the same way you do. I have been working to recover but I do, absolutely, wish he was dead. He is spa way tonight and I can't stop thinking about how great it would be if he as dead. I would feel horrible if it happened but I can't help but wish it did!

Posts: 129 | Registered: Apr 2012
I think I can
Member
Member # 17756
Default  Posted: 6:30 AM, May 2nd (Thursday)

Totally done this. It's a fantasy your mind has built to escape this trapped feeling you have. Normal. If he is dead, then you don't have to deal with this anymore!

Just don't actually do it.


I'm not the winner, I'm the prize.

Posts: 8815 | Registered: Jan 2008
daledge
Member
Member # 38886
Default  Posted: 7:00 AM, May 2nd (Thursday)

You've got lots of company here!
I've planned my husband's funeral (in my head).

I think it is a way for us NOT to have to deal with the pain they've caused.

The marriage counselor told me no one has been hurt by thoughts. Just this was her way of absolving me from my evil thinking. Obviously, lots of people do this.

You have enough to deal with.
Don't worry about this.


Posts: 106 | Registered: Apr 2013
Painfool
Member
Member # 33227
Default  Posted: 8:38 AM, May 2nd (Thursday)

More company here!

Not only have I imagined how much easier it would have been if he had died (I don't think this now, just to clarify) but I have had thoughts that I'd wanted it to happen . Very difficult thing to write and admit, but in the hopes it helps normalise these thoughts, I am!


Married 9 years, together 14.
1 child, aged 6.
WS (31)
Me (30)

The bad news is there is no key to happiness. The good news is it isn't locked.


Posts: 1871 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: United Kingdom
freelancer
Member
Member # 36529
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, May 2nd (Thursday)

Thank you for posting this! You have no idea how much better I feel knowing that I am not alone in this thinking. I think that part of it might go to the fact that we are grieving the loss of the relationship, wouldn't that be easier to do, with more finality, if we didn't have to see their faces?


Me: BS, 34
Him: WH, 34
2 beautiful babies, 6 and 3, HB baby due 06/2014
DD1: 7/1/2012
OW#1: EA/PA for 14 months
OW#2: PA for 1.5 months
DD2: 9/17/2013 Back at it with OW#1 for 4 weeks.

Posts: 238 | Registered: Aug 2012
TrustGone
Member
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, May 2nd (Thursday)

I don't think that a BS out there has not had this thought at one time or the other. We don't really want them dead, we just want the pain to go away and we all imagine that their death would make that easier.

Unfortunately it has happened here on SI since I have been posting. Once a BS's WH was in an accident and eventually died. She only found out about the affair after the accident and never got a chance to even confront him that she knew and then had to deal with the OW, In-laws, children, etc. Several others have had their BS die during the process of R. It is always sad and doesn't really stop their pain. It just adds another layer of pain and guilt.

Don't feel like a horrible person for this. It is perfectly natural response to the devastation that they caused. (((HUGS)))


BW-50
WH#2-51
M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
mightsurvive
New Member
Member # 38794
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, May 2nd (Thursday)

I have had these same feelings on occasion too! I think it is a wish to have the pain go away but I love my husband tremendously so that pain would also be incredible.


BW 37-me
WH 40
Kids
Dday Dec 2011
Reconciling

Posts: 48 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: midwest
Searchingforhope
Member
Member # 38437
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, May 2nd (Thursday)

Have you seen the movie with George Clooney..."The Descendents?"

It's a different scenario than this, but it does relate. I don't want to give it away and I urge any BS to watch it with caution. It will most likely trigger you. I saw the movie not long before my Dday.

And I don't think you are a terrible person RightTrack. I think you are very human.

((hugs))


Me: BW 51 (didn't have a clue)
Him: FWH 54(extremely remorseful about his stupid midlife crisis)
Married 27 yrs

PA that lasted approx. 2 weeks. OW was a younger but totally screwed up %#@%!

DDay 4-25-12
Reconciling


Posts: 148 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: California
Theradin
Member
Member # 38518
Default  Posted: 5:03 PM, May 2nd (Thursday)

You definitely are not alone or abnormal. I remember reading about this in some literature a couple months back that I stumbled up when I was searching for resources on recovering from the trauma and emotional abuse inflicted upon one by an affair, by betrayal. Somehow I ended up on a psychology journal that was mostly dealing with those who have been violated by a parent or other family member, and it explains that often, you really do wish they were dead. And it explains that this feeling is because it would bring about (false) closure in your mind - to not ever hear that person, see that person, etc. So no, it's not abnormal or weird, so long as you don't actually ACT on it..!


ME: 33 BH
HER: 32 WW
Married: 8 years
Children: Yes
DDay #1: 02/22/2006 (ONS)
DDay #2: 09/23/2012 (EA/PA)
DDay #3: 12/07/2012 (EA/PA)
DDay #4: 01/03/2013 (EA/PA)
DDay #5: 01/24/2013 (EA/PA)
TT until 04/07/2013
100% NC: 04/18/2013

Posts: 190 | Registered: Feb 2013
SoVerySadNow
Member
Member # 36711
Default  Posted: 5:15 PM, May 2nd (Thursday)

I think it's normal in our abnormal new life.
I don't actually wish WH dead- just "poofed" away. And a happier life after.


Me:BW
Him:WH
D-day(s),after years of TT and Gaslighting was Labor Day Weekend 2012, continuing for a week after. *Dammit! More TT 3/9/13
Really trending toward D- planning about it is my "happy place" now.

Posts: 1292 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Sunny Florida
Safeguard
Member
Member # 38899
Default  Posted: 7:05 PM, May 2nd (Thursday)

Theradin makes a good point,
With a death, there's finalization. You can grieve and move on. You don't have to wonder "why" they died, and if they're going to *die* again.

It was also pretty darn cold of your wh to add this to your plate, when you were facing a life threatening condition...


"since your actions don't match your words, excuse me while I stop believing you."

Posts: 143 | Registered: Apr 2013
What2Thnk
Member
Member # 37863
Default  Posted: 7:16 PM, May 2nd (Thursday)

With a death, there's finalization. You can grieve and move on. You don't have to wonder "why" they died, and if they're going to *die* again.

^^^THIS^^^

I think it's common. I know I've done it. After all, you'd be free of all the worrying and fearing that it will happen again. Sometimes that just seems like it would be...nice.

That said I know that I don't really want him dead. Usually.


Me (BS) 42
Him (WS) 43
DD #1 7/19/10 2 year LTA EA/PA w/MOW - HSXGF#1
DD #2 6/6/12 4 mo EA (PA?) w/HSXGF#2
DD #3 12/15/12 3 week EA with random stranger
A whole crapload of gaslighting, minimizing, blameshifting, rugsweeping and TT.

Posts: 183 | Registered: Dec 2012
RightTrack
Member
Member # 36976
Default  Posted: 7:38 PM, May 2nd (Thursday)

It was with great trepidation that I posted this. I'm really relieved to see that this is normal. Last night he came home (safe ) and was very especially nice to me. I felt like a total fraud. I felt like he could see what I had been thinking. Today is already better, I am looking forward to him coming home so we can have a date night. I'm actually impatient! Thanks for all your understanding and input.

Posts: 621 | Registered: Sep 2012
sailorgirl
Member
Member # 38162
Default  Posted: 7:56 PM, May 2nd (Thursday)

Thank you for posting this.

WH is my best friend, we're totally compatible, we had a great marriage before the A, and he's a model of R, and a terrific dad.

Yet, I have "daydreamed" about him dying. Of course I do not really wish for this at all. I think it comes of feeling like I don't have any good options. I can't divorce him because of kids, finances, family, friends, and the annoying fact that I love him. So, they only way for me to get out of living intimately with my betrayer is if he died.

I know intellectually that it would be 1000 time worse than this if he died. But my heart is in so much pain that emotionally, it seems like it would be a relief on some level.

I don't think these thoughts are a sign of anything other than the human heart dealing with betrayal.

If it helps, my WH sometimes thinks of death (not suicide because he knows that would be incredibly selfish and he's not actually suicidal). As time goes by and the reality of what he did sinks in, he is in more and more pain. I'm not ready to be compassionate, but he truly would rather dead sometimes than feel the loss of his integrity and face the pain he caused me.


Married 14 years, three amazing kids
H had 17 month EA/PA
D-day 1/5/13
Reconcilling

Posts: 787 | Registered: Jan 2013
BaldwinBeauty59
Member
Member # 35507
Default  Posted: 11:18 PM, May 2nd (Thursday)

What everybody else said^^^^^^^


Me - BW (53)
Him - WH (56)
OW - skanky whore coworker
Married 33 years
DDay1 8/10/11
DDay2 8/15/11
DDay3 8/28/11
2 grown children
Status - in R

Posts: 978 | Registered: May 2012
RidingHealingRd
Member
Member # 33867
Default  Posted: 1:03 AM, May 3rd (Friday)

Impossible isn't it? To really love someone and work to reconcile with them but to wish them dead?

Not impossible...I do it, wish him dead that is. I am currently working to increase his life insurance ~ Hmmm, is that wishful thinking?

I am one of the *fortunate* ones. I have an extremely remorseful WH; a model WH really...but a WH nonetheless. I hate him for what he did, that is the man I wish death upon.


ME: 54 BS
HIM: 61 WH
Married: 28 years
D'Day: 10/29/10
in R 3.5 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.

The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.


Posts: 2109 | Registered: Nov 2011
ItStillHurts
Member
Member # 33617
Default  Posted: 11:33 AM, May 3rd (Friday)

Another common thread for SI'ers, who'd have thunk it! Truly, I really did not think about 'this" but I did recall telling H it would have been preferable that he died, there is dignity in death, this, not so much.

And, funny thing, he brings it up now. When he has a cold or doing something at work that puts him at risk. " ISH, you still wanting me dead, might happen today" and then sometimes I say don't do that and sometimes I tell him I will think about it and let him know. (Why lie)


The cruelest lies are often told in silence (RLS).
DD: December 24, 2010, when she called me from a pay phone pretending to be someone else.
Me: BS (53)Him: WS (56) OW: 63 yr old Husband hunting predatory whore

Posts: 361 | Registered: Oct 2011
doggiemom12
Member
Member # 36041
Default  Posted: 1:15 PM, May 3rd (Friday)

Mine did die - killed himself last year before the divorce was final.

I had wished him dead many times. And I am not sad that he is. He was a very sick and abusive man and is not missed by me at all.

And now I have all the money and the dogs which is exactly what I wanted all along.

But I didn't kill him - he did that all on his own. Wasn't even living with him at the time. No guilt here.

Starting now to make a new life.


White bird must fly or she will die . . .

Posts: 268 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: in divorce land
Zayda1
Member
Member # 35387
Default  Posted: 2:30 PM, May 3rd (Friday)

So glad there are many of us who think this way. I donít.think it all the time but after a rough trigger patch I can't help but think "it would make all my anxiety go away".

This is a strange new world


Married 9 years, together for 11 years
2 children (7 years & 4 years)
Discovery of PA 04/15/12 (It only lasted a "couple of weeks" but it still shattered my world.)

Posts: 465 | Registered: Apr 2012
Bikingguy
Member
Member # 38103
Default  Posted: 2:36 PM, May 3rd (Friday)

That same sentiment was in "Not just friends" and when I read that it was strange because OM's BW said the exact same thing to me during an early post D day discussion. However now I see others have had the same thoughts.

I must admit to being a bit selfish and have not wished that as it scares me to think about raising 3 kids without WW.

Now if we are talking about OM/OW that's another story.


Me: BH, 44
Her: WW, 43
D day. January 12, 2013

Posts: 672 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Socal
Topic Posts: 27