SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Reconciliation
User Topic: Now what
changedibr
New Member
Member # 39119
Default  Posted: 3:42 AM, May 2nd (Thursday)

We were suppossed to have a trial separation but last night my w said she doesn't want one because if I leave she'll never want me back. I told her I only wanted to leave cause she wanted me to and I tried to make things better. I apologized, told her I regretted what I did and I told her some things I will do to keep our marriage alive.

So we went to bed last night ( I'm still sleeping on the couch) not happy but better than before.

But now when we woke up she seems to hate me now more than before! She wouldn't even let me make her a coffee or anything.

I understand everyday and even every moment a bs has to go struggle with the thoughts of the A but was last night just a fake R. I think I'm going to have to do something quick before things get worst


Posts: 25 | Registered: Apr 2013
OptimisticWife
Member
Member # 36587
Default  Posted: 7:18 AM, May 2nd (Thursday)

Your BS is probably experiencing a lot of confusing emotions. She loves you but right now she probably hates you just as much. She's most likely torn between feeling woman enough to even consider R but then also being angry because she may feel weak for not kicking you out. I remember feeling angry and sorry for myself because I was in a world of pain that I didn't deserve. We as BS's have to live this excruciating pain second by second. It's tough.
She will blame herself, hate herself and then continue to blame you and fantasize about how to get even and hurt you.
I feel all these emotions and thoughts are common as a BS tries to understand the shock and pain caused by the A.

Hang in there. Try and be supportive by listening, taking full responsibility, asking how she's feeling and what she may need from you. Make her feel safe to discuss her feelings and questions anytime she wants to. Don't defend your A or your AP.
Be sincere and realize that although you caused this pain, you have a big role in helping your W heal.
Be proactive and buy the book titled "How to help your spouse heal from your affair" and/or "Not Just Friends".
Show your wife how serous you are about R by being consistent and honest in your interactions with her. Make her feel safe by offering her complete transparency. She may still remain angry for a while yet but if your consistent, she may begin to feel safe enough to open herself up to you again little by little.
Its not false R. Its your W just trying to process all she is feeling.
Good luck.


Posts: 190 | Registered: Aug 2012
SuperDuperWonderboy
Member
Member # 34716
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, May 2nd (Thursday)

I agree with what Optimistic said.

I understand everyday and even every moment a bs has to go struggle with the thoughts of the A but was last night just a fake R.

Careful here. Just because your wife is giving you the gift of reconciliation doesn't mean that she is going to be filled with love all the time. And man, I sure wouldn't accuse her of Fake R. That just seems like a defense mechanism.

To me, it seems like you are blaming her for being mad at you for the lies and betrayal. If you want to really work at R, you have to drop the defensivenes. She doesn't hate you more than before, you're at the home aren't you? Take that as a positive sign. Follow through on the things that you discussed last night.
Understand that she has every right to be angry with you (not abusive..but angry as hell).
My wife used to get defensive when I would get angry...all that does is make a BS angrier. Try apologizing..not with just an "I'm sorry" but an actually apology that is meaningful and expresses that you understand the devestation of your actions. (there is an article on this in the healing library).

Good luck on this. Just remember..it is not steady progress. Lots and peaks and valleys.

[This message edited by wonderboy at 8:38 AM, May 2nd (Thursday)]


My Friends call me Wonderboy--That's Mr. SuperduperWonderboy to you Tred.


Posts: 1296 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Everett
changedibr
New Member
Member # 39119
Default  Posted: 9:08 AM, May 2nd (Thursday)

I screwed up even more. Now she says she wants a divorce it's over. She asked me what I would do for her and I guess I didn't answer good enough. I'm kind of dumb when talking. I just said I'm sorry I'll do whatever it takes. That's when she said I didn't have anything to say and I wouldn't do anything so it's over.

I wrote on a paper eight things I would do and gave it to her and I got no answer.

I don't know what to do now. She blamed me before for giving her space. I found out she didn't want space but for me to be persistent but what about now should I give her any space or stay stuck in her face?

For now I'll let her be by herself in the room and go in and check on her every few minutes to show her I'm there

[This message edited by changedibr at 9:37 AM, May 2nd (Thursday)]


Posts: 25 | Registered: Apr 2013
OptimisticWife
Member
Member # 36587
Default  Posted: 9:38 AM, May 2nd (Thursday)

It sounds like she wants to see you fight for her. Maybe she feels like it would make her feel that she's worth something to you.
Tell her how stupid your choices were and tell her that in hindsight you know that there is no reason/excuse good enough to justify your actions. Tell her she means the world to you and that you will fight for your marriage because she means everything to you. Give her specifics and tell her why she is your everything. Make it about HER. Things only she has done for you or given you. Specific things about her that you love and don't want to live without. Being specific makes your words more believable.
Only say things you truly feel and believe though. Lying or misleading your BS is in the past and it will only kill any hope of R.
Pour your heart out, take responsibility and make her hear how and why she is special to you.

There will be many peaks and valleys like wonderboy said. How you learn to ride those ups and downs will impact your W's ability to keep moving forward. Just remember, don't get angry. Don't get defensive and always validate your W's feelings.

[This message edited by OptimisticWife at 9:41 AM, May 2nd (Thursday)]


Posts: 190 | Registered: Aug 2012
sunshine226
Member
Member # 38851
Default  Posted: 10:12 AM, May 2nd (Thursday)

Fight for her, dont give up. I know as a BS, I have said some things to my WH, not because i really meant them but I wanted him to fight for me, fight for us

Maybe this is the same for your wife.

The world for a BS is a never ending rollar coaster, ups and downs, twists and turns. It hard to know what to do, our emotions are just all over the place

I hope it all works out for you


Me-BS (44)
Him-WS (47)
DDay 1/1/2012, common law for 22 1/2 years when he began A in September 2011
Status: moving on without him

Posts: 234 | Registered: Mar 2013
Random thoughts
Member
Member # 2959
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, May 2nd (Thursday)

If you want your wife and your marriage you fight until you sign the divorce papers and even after that you fight for her.

Show consistency in your behavior, show compassion when she has a meltdown trigger.

Show her that you are changing even if you two don't make it because you want to be a better person.

Ask her questions and be prepared for her hurtful and painful answers and take it as it is because right now what you are going through is nothing compared to the movies running through her mind or the fact that you shared your body with someone else.


Those three words are said too much and not enough.
Chasing Cars-Snow Patrol.
FWW

Posts: 1608 | Registered: Dec 2003 | From: Some where in New Jersey
LivingALie
Member
Member # 17217
Default  Posted: 10:27 AM, May 2nd (Thursday)

BS here. You sound very much like my H did – he had good intentions – but honestly, I really don’t think he had a clue as to what he should be doing – sure, he could say the words “I’ll do whatever it takes” – but he had no idea what that really meant – and he’d think if we had *one* good conversation – that meant – things were great now – and we could move on and live happily ever after. All forgiven and let’s not talk about it anymore.

You need to hang in there for the long haul – that’s really the bottom line. You need to hang in there when she’s happy AND when she’s ranting and raving that she hates your guts. You need to be there for her during those awful times – and take it like a man. That’s just one part of doing “whatever it takes”. That’s just the beginning. What have YOU initiated in terms of reconciliation? What exactly have you DONE? Not talked about or written down on paper – but actually DONE? Ask yourself that-

False R? Are you serious – are you saying “she’s” not in TRUE reconciliation because her emotions are all over the place? Please…don’t be so full of yourself and try to put yourself in HER shoes for one minute.

I feel myself getting worked up now..so I better sign off.

[This message edited by LivingALie at 10:32 AM, May 2nd (Thursday)]


Me: BS
H had LTA with co-worker
Both mid-50s
Two sons - grown and on their own
DD - April 2010
Please note registration date is not correct. See my profile for details
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 1265 | Registered: Nov 2007
Finally10
Member
Member # 36900
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, May 2nd (Thursday)

Changed;

WS here. Reconciliation is not an event. It's not like when two guys piss each other off, apologize, shake hands and say "all good?" "yep", and then you go fish. Reconciliation from a traumatic event like infidelity is a process of ups and downs, forward progress, back sliding and every other way a relationship can move and change.

According to your recent posts, the infidelity was 2 years ago. Something brought this back to the top of her priority list, so figure out what that is. So many questions come to mind; Have you reverted to old habits, old communication patterns, things that seemed eerily or scary familiar to her? What was happening two years ago at this time?

And finally, what have YOU done during the last two years to progress reconciliation? Just ride it out and hope she forgot or have you been proactive, in IC/MC, self evaluating, actually developing your weaknesses you discovered over the last 2 years? The last 2 years may have just really been a limbo state for her, waiting for you to show your commitment to her. Evidently she didn't get what she needed... Its up to you to figure out what that is, recognizing that what she may be saying is that your A was a deal breaker that she tried to overcome for 2 years but could not. If you have genuinely put in 2 years of real work, heavy lifting, IC/MC and have really done everything you could possibly do, this may be where you are.

"I understand everyday and even every moment a bs has to go struggle with the thoughts of the A but was last night just a fake R."

^^^This^^^ makes me think...

That perhaps there might be more work you should do.

[This message edited by Finally10 at 12:07 PM, May 2nd (Thursday)]


Posts: 113 | Registered: Sep 2012
Finally10
Member
Member # 36900
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, May 2nd (Thursday)

I don't know what to do now. She blamed me before for giving her space. I found out she didn't want space but for me to be persistent but what about now should I give her any space or stay stuck in her face?

One of the really wise folks posted here that when this happens, turn toward her, seek her out, let her know that even when she is raging at you you are there so she can get her feeling heard. As painful as it might be, letting her get those feelings out is far better than the alternative.


Posts: 113 | Registered: Sep 2012
changedibr
New Member
Member # 39119
Default  Posted: 3:55 PM, May 2nd (Thursday)

First let me say i didn't mean to say anything gainst her with fake r. I wasn't blaming it on her what I meant is I was happy thinking we are starting our r and then it just went awayas if we never started it. Now it's bed time here and its been a horrible day. She's been leaving and coming back. Basically in the end she left and I went to go get her. I finally had something to say. Sat her down and told her real things but it seems to be too little to late. After speaking with her I went to play with my son. I've been checking on her popping in and telling her I'm sorry I'm here for you I don't want the marriage to end and now shes going to sleep and I went to check on her and I said I love you and she said shes sick of me saying that I don't remember the wors exactly but basically she got more angry at me. It's not a good day. I will continue doing what I can and be persistent and consistent. I realized saying sorry I love just sounds like a line so I'll stop saying that and think of a more authentic way to show her my feelings for her

Posts: 25 | Registered: Apr 2013
OptimisticWife
Member
Member # 36587
Default  Posted: 4:44 PM, May 2nd (Thursday)

Maybe you could be more specific in your apology and say exactly what you are sorry for. I use to want to punch my WH (and sometimes did ) when he gave me a general I'm sorry. Tell her WHAT you are sorry for exactly. It really does help.

[This message edited by OptimisticWife at 4:45 PM, May 2nd (Thursday)]


Posts: 190 | Registered: Aug 2012
changedibr
New Member
Member # 39119
Default  Posted: 2:44 AM, May 3rd (Friday)

Woke up today said good morning to my wife and tried to make her breakfast and of course she wouldn't let me. She can't stand seeing my face or hearing my voice so I thought I would send her an email;

Good morning. I just wanted you to know that I'm still fighting for this. I don't know exactly what makes you upset or happy. I know you want o be persuade and so I am doing that. But I'm staying out of your face because I know it makes you upset. I know just because I'm not cheating anymore doesn't mean you're not hurting. You may spend the rest of your life hurting and tryingj to get over this. I will be here to say I'm sorry and being faithful and being whatever you need me to be. I had everything and am loosing everything if you leave me. 
And she replies;
I hate seeing ur face in front of me all the time cuz ur not doing or saying anything right. I'm in the hearing state now. If I don't hear the right things im not staying then. I don't get shit from u. I don't get shit and I'm angry. playboys and porn actors probably say better and do better than you. Every time I c u I think the revolution is about to happen. But ur showing me the same person, ur sayin the same thing.

I don't know what to do! I said everything there is to say. I will call some places today to see if I can get an IC. But when I told her about IC she even got mad at that saying I'm still only thinking about myself. I understand I'm suppossed to be persistent and consistent but it seems I'm making things worse. I'm lost!


Posts: 25 | Registered: Apr 2013
changedibr
New Member
Member # 39119
Default  Posted: 5:15 PM, May 3rd (Friday)

Wow you! It's a good night tonight. Talking and sitting together. What's next! Can't wait

Posts: 25 | Registered: Apr 2013
changedibr
New Member
Member # 39119
Default  Posted: 5:16 PM, May 3rd (Friday)

Wow hooh! It's a good night tonight. Talking and sitting together. What's next! Can't wait

Posts: 25 | Registered: Apr 2013
Topic Posts: 15