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User Topic: OW has cancer
how2forgive
New Member
Member # 39153
Default  Posted: 10:10 AM, May 2nd (Thursday)

Dday was 5 months ago. We've been in counseling, we've been spending time together. I believe he has kept his word about no contact till last week. When dday happened he gave me his phone and I texted the OW to not contact us again, we changed our numbers and it has been hard but we have been getting better day by day. OWs "sister" found his new number and called sometime last week. She called to give him an update on OW. Why? Because OW has non-hodgkin's lymphoma and she thought he should know she was ill. So now I'm drowning in rage again. I don't care if she dies-I am disgusted with myself for being able to say that. That I could actually say-I don't care if another person dies says just how far they have pushed me. I don't know myself anymore. I think the sister is manipulating him and he doesn't see it. He said he wanted to get updates on the OWs condition. I said no-I see this all starting back up again with just one phone call. So by the end of an awful day-crying and feeling betrayed and rejected he said I was right. He would do what I asked and not have contact-he just wants to be contacted if she dies. I looked it up- non-Hodgkin's is also known as aids related-lymphoma the OW was a prostitute. He says it started as pay for play and then he fell in love with her! He says it's over but he still cares about her. I got HIV tested-I'm fine and not fine. No infection but wondering how he can be worried over her condition and not consider what it could mean for my health or even his own. He says he loves me, that he told her he would never leave me. So confused - I don't know if I believe in my marriage anymore. I wonder if he ever really loved me. I wonder why I still love him.

Posts: 2 | Registered: May 2013
KeepCalm_CarryOn
Member
Member # 33374
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, May 2nd (Thursday)

Honestly? Don't feel bad. I wouldn't. More importantly, I'm not sure I'd believe this. It's not beyond an OW to claim cancer or pregnancy or whatever else may get some attention. I would demand he maintain NC.


You are not dealing with rational people or situations. Normal thought processes won't work...story of my life.

Me- BW, 28
Him- fWh, 34
Mostly R'd, minus a few scars...bought a house and got a puppy...And baby makes 3! She arrived August


Posts: 2009 | Registered: Sep 2011
NeverAgain2013
Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 10:41 AM, May 2nd (Thursday)

Um, ok... how the hell did OW's "sister" just happen to 'find' your husband's NEW phone number???

I seriously have my doubts that these two stopped all contact. As it usually happens, the clear majority DON'T go no contact - they simply get a whole lot sneakier after a D-Day.

Is OW's "sister" a telephone operator for your cell phone carrier, or does she work for the CIA? Because I don't know any other way she'd be able to magically "find" your husband's new cell phone number unless he shared it with her and the OW.

I don't blame you one BIT for feeling completely betrayed yet again with this latest nonsense. I don't wish death on anyone, but when you're a prostitute, you know DAMNED well that you're playing Russian Roulette with your life and this prostitute happened to get the chamber with the bullet in it. I'd be absolutely petrified to touch your husband knowing he was carrying on with this diseased woman. Ugh. And I agree with you - how dare he play Russian Roulette with YOUR sexual health? Just more of the rotten betrayal these cheaters visit on innocent people.

You didn't deserve this utterly CRAPPY hand that he chose to deal you. I'm so sorry you find yourself here. Be good to yourself.


[This message edited by NeverAgain2013 at 10:43 AM, May 2nd (Thursday)]


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1723 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
mchercheur
Member
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 10:43 AM, May 2nd (Thursday)

Welcome to SI, how2forgive. I am so sorry you find yourself here, but if you are going thru this trauma, this site will be a big comfort to you.

First of all:

I don't care if she dies-I am disgusted with myself for being able to say that.

I would bet that 99.999% of us BSs feel the exact same way. Matter of fact, if I heard that the OW in my sitch had cancer, I would buy a bottle of champagne. However,on this site, they say that the goal is to get to a point where you don't care what happens to the OP. I am a long way from getting to that point, & I am 2 yrs out.
What you are feeling is normal. OW & your WH have taken a knife & stabbed you in the stomach. Why wouldn't you want her to feel as much pain as she caused you?

Next:

I think the sister is manipulating him and he doesn't see it.

The sister, or OW herself, going thru the sister. IOW, she's fishing.

He said he wanted to get updates on the OWs condition.
....
he just wants to be contacted if she dies..... He says it's over but he still cares about her

Why? Has your WH ended it in his mind or not?
To me, these are big red flags.
Sorry to say this, but to me it sounds like he may have stopped contact with her, but still feels "connected" to her in his mind. Sounds like he still has one foot in each relationship.
He had better make a choice right now, you or OW. Loving wife or disease-infected low life whore.

Lay out your boundaries, put them in writing if you have to.
Focus on taking care of yourself.
Sending you strength & hugs.

[This message edited by mchercheur at 10:48 AM, May 2nd (Thursday)]


together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1363 | Registered: Dec 2012
LivingALie
Member
Member # 17217
Default  Posted: 10:44 AM, May 2nd (Thursday)

We’ve heard this story before on here – OW has cancer. If the OW is past child-bearing age –that’s usually the line they’ll pull. The OW in my situation suddenly developed colon cancer when she found out I was having a hysterectomy. Wow- what a coincidence. She needed some attention. Well, turns out she never did have cancer. So – believe me, they will stoop to anything.

And I understand how upset you are over your H’s reaction. I was beyond livid when my H was upset about OW having pretend cancer – I said and meant all those awful things too – hoped she lingered good and long – but yes, he admitted to being upset about it.

I don’t have any advice for you – just want you to know you’re not alone.


Me: BS
H had LTA with co-worker
Both mid-50s
Two sons - grown and on their own
DD - April 2010
Please note registration date is not correct. See my profile for details
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 1260 | Registered: Nov 2007
TrustGone
Member
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 11:06 AM, May 2nd (Thursday)

OW will use anything and everything to get the WS to break no contact and feel sorry for them. WH#2's slut also texted him amd said she had cancer and needed to borrow some money for chemo treatments. She never had cancer, don't know if it was him lying about the text or her. It didn't really matter either way becuase I knew it was a lie. She is pathetic, just like your WH's slut. Just like I told WH#2 last week, there is a special place in hell for people that intentionally bring this kind of hurt on their spouses and the AP is a sick, selfish, crazy individual for getting involved in a relationship with a married person. In the end it does nothing but cause pain to everyone involved.

Don't believe anything he tells you at this point. I agree that they can't get his # unless he has called them at some point. I am here with you hoping that she does have cancer, losses all her hair, and develops big bed sores before she dies an angonzing death. Now that would be Karma in my book. (((HUGS))))


BW-50
WH#2-51
M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
FieldsOfLavender
Member
Member # 39154
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, May 2nd (Thursday)

I would NOT care if the OW died. I would enjoy if the OW died a slow painful death.

Posts: 190 | Registered: May 2013 | From: East Coast, USA
NeverAgain2013
Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, May 2nd (Thursday)

I recall telling my now ex that I hoped his fat, ignorant tramp died a slow, painful, agonizing death by fire ants.

Yeah, I'm a bitch like that.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1723 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
PeaceLove187
Member
Member # 33559
Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, May 2nd (Thursday)

If it makes you feel better, I'm a born and bred peace-and-love kind of gal. Heck, it's in my name! But my H's AP had cancer as well and if she wants to go ahead and die from it, that's just fine with me.

Peace.


BW--Me, 57
FWH--Him, 59
Married 35 years
Empty Nesters

Posts: 637 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Midwest
mchercheur
Member
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, May 2nd (Thursday)

Hope the cancer spreads to her clitoris.


together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1363 | Registered: Dec 2012
rcantbleveit
Member
Member # 30476
Default  Posted: 11:33 AM, May 2nd (Thursday)

Wow.... I can't imagine anyone pretending to have cancer! As devastated as I was over the affair & divorce, I couldn't ever wish cancer on OW or anyone else.

I was diagnosed last year, had surgery & about to have a second surgery. Since I haven't had to do chemo or radiation (Praise God), OW has implied to X that I'm faking it just to get attention or to get him back. X has even questioned my son as to rather or not I have it and I think my son even questions it sometimes because I'm not consumed with worry. The surgery was delayed twice due to the Surgeon having an emergency surgery and the next time, he was out with the flu.

This has added to their suspicions but I can promise this..... Faking Cancer is nothing to play with!


Posts: 227 | Registered: Dec 2010
Darkonius
Member
Member # 39135
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, May 2nd (Thursday)

I would bet that 99.999% of us BSs feel the exact same way. Matter of fact, if I heard that the OW in my sitch had cancer, I would buy a bottle of champagne.

I'll drink to that!!


Me:BH/Madhatter 39
Her: WS 42
Children:None
DDay#1: 1995
DDay#2: 1999
DDay#3:3/4/2013
Married:19yrs
Status: Working towards R

You never truly know what Shit creek looks like until you find yourself sitting in the middle of it without a paddle.


Posts: 76 | Registered: Apr 2013
sunshine226
Member
Member # 38851
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, May 2nd (Thursday)

curious as to how sister got his number, perhaps she fished around and got it that way, it is possible

An ex of my WH called our place one time and this was over 20 years ago so she didnt get the number online. The phone was in my name and i am pretty sure she didnt know my last name.

One evening she called our apartment, he doesnt know how she got the number. I will always say WH's sister in law (who was friends with her) gave it to her. This the same sil that has added OW as a friend on FB, her husband (wh's brother) added OW a year ago

So dont assume your WH is still in contact just because OW sister contacted him, they have their ways.

And as for OW having cancer, that is not your husbands concern, he didnt give it to her. OW is just trying to reach out and get him to come back to her. DONT FALL FOR IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Me-BS (44)
Him-WS (47)
DDay 1/1/2012, common law for 22 1/2 years when he began A in September 2011
Status: moving on without him

Posts: 234 | Registered: Mar 2013
emmawa
Member
Member # 32154
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, May 2nd (Thursday)

2 years out. Never did meet ow/ one night stand whore. Don't even know her last name. But if I did find out her health was suffering I would blame it on the toxic person she is. I would not care one iota. She did not care about my children or me and she knew. I would be right there beside the many others in breaking out the bubbly. Yes they have pushed us that far! Don't feel bad. She downright does not deserve the space in your head or sympathy. Don't let your wh contact her. She is just trying to fish IMO.


emmawa

Posts: 97 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Washington state
stretch13
Member
Member # 26894
Default  Posted: 12:14 PM, May 2nd (Thursday)

your feelings on OW and how it makes you see yourself?

I would bet that 99.999% of us BSs feel the exact same way.

yep. the closest thing i have to a religion is believing that Love is our imperative. Love the good, the bad, ourselves. do everything from a place of deep Love and you'll probably be a positive force in the world.

after dday, i heard about an ethiopian airlines plane that went down with no survivors right around the time the OW and OC were flying to her native country, ethiopia. i didn't recognize myself. i was seriously hoping they were both on it.

it's ok. and i am largely back to my Loving self again. don't judge yourself.

Hope the cancer spreads to her clitoris.


it's ok to laugh. it's good to laugh. even mean laughter right now is cathartic. you won't always feel so dark. again, don't judge yourself. laugh at yourself (or her) instead.

(((((how2forgive)))))


http://www.facebook.com/hardheadpress
http://www.amazon.com/Eli-Ely-Ezekiel-Tyrus/dp/0986042900/

http://hardheadpress.com/

life must be rich and full of loving--it's no good otherwise, no good at all, for anyone - j. kerouac


Posts: 3929 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: east coast
BaldwinBeauty59
Member
Member # 35507
Default  Posted: 12:34 PM, May 2nd (Thursday)


I would bet that 99.999% of us BSs feel the exact same way. Matter of fact, if I heard that the OW in my sitch had cancer, I would buy a bottle of champagne.

I'll drink to that!!

Me three!!!!


Me - BW (53)
Him - WH (56)
OW - skanky whore coworker
Married 33 years
DDay1 8/10/11
DDay2 8/15/11
DDay3 8/28/11
2 grown children
Status - in R

Posts: 978 | Registered: May 2012
Holly-Isis
Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 12:58 PM, May 2nd (Thursday)

Not caring if she dies is where you both should want to be actually. It's not a bad thing.

Imagine leaving your house, driving down the street, take the first left, a right, another random right...a left...then pick the first house you see with a blue car parked in front of it.

That person...his or her life means nothing to you. If you heard through the grapevine of a death, there would be a sadness for a moment. Mostly for the loved ones left behind. But when it comes down to it, besides being a fellow human that person would mean nearly nothing to you.

So should OW. As long as your WH shows concern for her then he's showing a callous disregard for you and the pain he brings you by holding onto affections for the person who helped cause you anguish and betrayal.

FWIW, I agree with you- this might be them trying to get attention. OW have lied like this before.

ETA- yeah. If either xOw in my sitch got very sick or died, a small part of me would feel better. I know I shouldn't..but there it is.

[This message edited by Holly-Isis at 1:04 PM, May 2nd (Thursday)]


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11134 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
Safeguard
Member
Member # 38899
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, May 2nd (Thursday)

My *Hinkey Meter* is going crazy. OW should be *dead*, to HIM already! What if it were three, five or ten yrs out? Would he still need updates about the state of her health?

Also, ow didn't care about your health and well being. I would have a hard time feeling bad about her health, if I were in your place. Not very generous perhaps, but a very human response...


"since your actions don't match your words, excuse me while I stop believing you."

Posts: 143 | Registered: Apr 2013
Its Better Now?
Member
Member # 34802
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, May 2nd (Thursday)

I totally agree with Safeguard's *Hinkey Meter* theory. And my I also confess: If WW's AP were to contract and die from cancer or any other disease process.... what I would leave on his grave would in no way qualify for flowers....


OK; It's Brass Tacks Time

Posts: 124 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Lost and Wondering
Vulcanized
Member
Member # 33523
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, May 2nd (Thursday)

OWs "sister" found his new number and called sometime last week. She called to give him an update on OW. Why? Because OW has non-hodgkin's lymphoma and she thought he should know she was ill.

Find it tough to believe that OW's sis went thru the trouble of finding your WH's #. IF A is over, then the state of OW's health is non-issue.

He said he wanted to get updates on the OWs condition.

NC = NC.

He says it's over but he still cares about her.
In lurve with a hooker? Yikes. Is this the only A he has had?

Also, I agree with others who have said that this may all be a fishing expedition.

((how))


Me: MH 40s; Him: MH 40s (I had RA)
OW: 30s, moron; one of many
M: 8 yrs
3/13: D'd
-----------------------------------------------------------
Everything is as it should be.

Posts: 738 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Vulcania
refuz2bavictim
Member
Member # 27176
Default  Posted: 3:33 PM, May 2nd (Thursday)

He said he wanted to get updates on the OWs condition.

This is the real problem IMO. I like to think of NC not only as NO CONTACT, but also as NOT CARING.

Whether she lives or dies, wins the lottery, grows an extra breast or becomes a nun.....she needs to be buried in the past of his regret and remorse.

She is fishing, and he is taking the bait.



BS:ME DDay: 7/18/09 Last of TT 7/11/10
MOW's EA/PA all were my "friends" but one


Posts: 2372 | Registered: Jan 2010
NoraLee
Member
Member # 37922
Default  Posted: 10:35 PM, May 2nd (Thursday)

This would be a deal breaker for me. His reply to the sister should've been, " your sister's health is no concern of mine. Next time please call someone who gives a damn." NC includes head space...and if he's still in the A mentally, R AND your healing can not happen. Hopefully this is a glitch you can get over...there's been glitches in my R process too - and it took my making H see it from a healthy perspective to see the err in his thought processes.


Me - BW - 44
Him - FWH - 42
Married 16 years
D day - 1/2 truth - July 2012
Full disclosure - August 2012
EA with skanky waitress coworker
3 kids - 14, 16, 21
In R

Posts: 791 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Canada
cosmicjoke
Member
Member # 39159
Default  Posted: 10:57 PM, May 2nd (Thursday)

Sounds like a pathetic plea for sympathy to me. Even if not.. Who cares? Why does your hub need to know....?

refuz: 'I like to think of NC not only as NO CONTACT, but also as NOT CARING'.........
Perfect!! Thanks for that..!!


Posts: 166 | Registered: May 2013
willowiris
Member
Member # 5372
Default  Posted: 11:10 PM, May 2nd (Thursday)

Honestly, I am wondering if this is even true. There has been OW with made up fatal illnesses here in the past. I think it might be the second oldest ploy in the book (after faking pregnancy and then miscarriage)

Please, get tested for HIV again. Twice (6 months apart) is good. Although, her lymphoma could be from something else. I work in a cancer clinic. Most of our cases of cancer are NOT from HIV, but from...cancer. People get cancer. Good people, skanky people. all kinds of people.

It is NOT wrong to wish her dead. she intentionally inflicted horrible pain on you without regard to you.

As for your husband, no contact means NO CONTACT. No, he cannot get information on her. NO, he cannot talk to her. YOU are the priority. She is now nothing, and he had better act like it.


D-day 09/2004
Filed for divorce 9/2006

We accept the love we think we deserve. "The Perks of Being a Wallflower."


Posts: 12326 | Registered: Sep 2004 | From: Margaritaville
karmahappens
Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 11:19 PM, May 2nd (Thursday)

I would bet that 99.999% of us BSs feel the exact same way. Matter of fact, if I heard that the OW in my sitch had cancer, I would buy a bottle of champagne.
I'll drink to that!!

I am drinking now, just in case I missed the call....


I kid, I kid...

Seriously though, don't feel bad. I am sure we have all felt this way (((hugs)))


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3793 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
RidingHealingRd
Member
Member # 33867
Default  Posted: 12:48 AM, May 3rd (Friday)

He said he wanted to get updates on the OWs condition.

Really??? A remorseful WH shouldn't give a shit what her condition is. Not very remorseful now is he?

I don't care if she dies-I am disgusted with myself for being able to say that.

I would hope that she dies - I am NOT disgusted with myself for being able to say that!


ME: 54 BS
HIM: 61 WH
Married: 28 years
D'Day: 10/29/10
in R 3.5 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.

The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.


Posts: 2109 | Registered: Nov 2011
Diva0702
Member
Member # 32309
Default  Posted: 4:34 AM, May 3rd (Friday)

I would actually say VERY LOUDLY.... "Would you mind dying quietly please"!!!!!


Me: BW 53
Him: FWH 47
4 wonderful grown children
2 beautiful grandchildren
Married 20 years
Together 23 years
Dday March 10 2010. 4 yr A.
Me: RGN(ret), N.Dip.,BA(Psych),MA (Psych),BA Music.
OW: 55 year old taxi driver

Posts: 333 | Registered: May 2011 | From: UK
mchercheur
Member
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 8:14 AM, May 3rd (Friday)

Yes--stop wasting the world's oxygen supply.


together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1363 | Registered: Dec 2012
Ascendant
Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 8:28 AM, May 3rd (Friday)

Early after DDAY, my wife gave me the craziest look ever when I told her that if POSOM ever got hit by a bus (karma- or otherwise), or fell ill, or killed himself (plz, plz, plz), I would throw a party. And I really would. I would have a raging kegger, and I'd probably invite his family and friends.


I refuse to let a wound ruin me.

Posts: 2039 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
LonelyHusband
Member
Member # 34145
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, May 3rd (Friday)

I'm not saying tomorrow will be the same, but today i couldn't give a flying fuck about the OM. Don't think I'd feel anything at all if I heard he had cancer. It would just register as gossip and then pass me by.

I'm taking this as good news. A few months back I'd have thought something similar if not worse than you, so don't feel bad about it. It's natural to feel the desire for revenge or justice. It's adult to restrain from acting upon those thoughts.


BS ( me) 41
fWS (OktoberMest) 35
D day #1 29/10/2011, D day #2 15/112011, D day #3 15/03/2012
Reconciling.
“It’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all”, is inadequate consolation when you vacuum up a child's hamster'

Posts: 1290 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: UK
Topic Posts: 30