SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Reconciliation
User Topic: How do I stop myself?
cloudyskies
Member
Member # 36228
Default  Posted: 1:24 PM, May 2nd (Thursday)

We've had a couple of good months the other week I actually felt happy with him!
He got a new job which means he doesn't see OW anymore YAY!!!
It was a huge leap of faith to do it but he did it for me, for us because I told him that's what I need to fully heal.
Yesterday we started talking after his IC session it took an ugly turn for the worse and he told me I always throws what he did in his face. He's looking to our future while he tells me I'm stuck in the past. I am stuck because I'm still traumatized! He got very upset and frustrated with me and I went on and on and on how he hurt me. He also told me that apparently we haven't made any progress whatsoever...we need to focus on the future and not the past. We can't change it.
I want to get "unstuck" and not throw it in his face but how???
How do I not throw it in his face all the time?????

Cloudy


Me: BS 33
Him: WS 40
Married 6 yrs, together 8 yrs
1 child

2 drunken ONS, on-again/off-again 1 year Affair
D-day Feb 2012
OW co-worker (they still work together)
Status: He killed our marriage! Working on a new one...


Posts: 120 | Registered: Jul 2012
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, May 2nd (Thursday)

Depends on what you've done to heal....

Is your H NC, honest (does he answer your questions, share his thoughts and feelings), transparent (keeps you informed of his whereabouts and companions), in IC? How does he help you? Has he fully acknowledged his responsibility? How has he changed the thoughts and feelings that allowed him to cheat and lie?

Do you ask the questions you need to ask? Are you in IC? MC?

Seeing ow could really slow your healing down, so his work could have been an obstacle.

Also, IMO you really need to focus on the present much more than the future. His A may be in the past - though not completely if he still sees, or just recently stopped seeing, ow - but your trauma is in the present.


fBH (me) - 65+, fWW (her) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9753 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
cloudyskies
Member
Member # 36228
Default  Posted: 8:33 AM, May 3rd (Friday)

Thanks Sisoon for responding.

Yes they stopped seeing each other last August. H has not been NC due to that he was her restaurant manager but when I used to ask he always told me if they worked together and what was said. Strickly business related. It has been really hard for me in my healing process knowing the work status. He tells me anything I want to know and he is in IC and so am I. We haven't started MC yet. I feel it in my gut thar he is been honest with me but still I have a lot of trust issues with the man. He's actions are matching his words! I'm just tired of talking about all of this I wish it all just went away! We have really good days and then the rollercoaster dips big time.
But that is to be expected I just hope I'll be able to at some point move on from this...I hope but it still hurts... Why don't they think about the consequences of their actions more? This could all have been avoided...
I'm done with the past but feels like I'm in quicksand!

Cloudy


Me: BS 33
Him: WS 40
Married 6 yrs, together 8 yrs
1 child

2 drunken ONS, on-again/off-again 1 year Affair
D-day Feb 2012
OW co-worker (they still work together)
Status: He killed our marriage! Working on a new one...


Posts: 120 | Registered: Jul 2012
m334455
Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 8:43 AM, May 3rd (Friday)

Ah. You'll stop throwing it in his face when (if) he gets it enough to hug you and profusely apologize and swear up and down he'll never hurt you again, and also be consistently behaving that way...

Because the anger response to your pain is still all about him. He's inconvenienced and uncomfortable that you're hurt? Too bad.

Honestly? It took my WH more than a year and a half to really get it. And even then, we had to have a big crisis happen before it got his attention.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
Topic Posts: 4