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User Topic: how do you get used to an empty house?
savvy
Member
Member # 39102
Helpless  Posted: 7:06 PM, May 2nd (Thursday)

I have never live alone in my life. I am having a hard time coming home to an empty house. He texted me yesterday to say good luck on a test at school he knew I had. And of course we have texted during day about the business. I can't help hoping he will text me to see how I am but no he won't.
I hate sitting here at home by myself when I know he is out with one friend or another. I feel so pathetic! How do you get used to an empty house? I'm sorry I keep coming on here and rambling, I have had no one to talk to about this today and I know tomorrow will bring the same. I actually made myself eat something tonight now I feel like I'm going to be sick. Is it wrong to just wallow in self pity once in a while or does it make it worse?
I never wanted on this ride please let me off!!


me-BS (49)
him-WH (49)
2 children 21 and 19
Together 30 years
Ow-(30)and she knew me knew he is married.
D-day 1 4/24/2013
D-day 2. 7/9/2013. Day after anniversary
D-day 3. 8/12/13.
Filing for divorce

Posts: 135 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: connecticut
sadtoo
Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 7:54 PM, May 2nd (Thursday)

First of all you make the house your own. Remove all things that remind you of him.

Rearrange the furniture. Switch bedrooms. Paint. Frame photographs.

Through this process you will be so busy you won't have time to be lonely or miss him. And you will end up with a brand-new "looking" house without spending much money.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7992 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
LeapofFaith04
New Member
Member # 39150
Default  Posted: 8:23 PM, May 2nd (Thursday)

Hi savvy - I am trying to get used to the same thing. I agree with sadtoo - get rid of all things that remind you of that old life. I destroyed some things and put others away for when I am better able to handle it. Sometimes, when I know I will be home alone, I try to go to a friend's house instead. I have no family here (not anymore) so my friends (both of them) have opened their hearts, homes, and ears (especially ears) to me. I have just started a kickboxing class, and also work voluntarily at a horse ranch - I do these JUST to keep busy and to stop myself from learning anymore about the WH or his GF. It is a rough road, and it sucks. You will lose weight, lose hope, lose sleep, and feel like you are on the crazy express. There is no bypass here - just dig in and allow yourself a cry, a scream, a four-letter word.

This site has helped me tremendously and I love it. I read these posts just to make sense of the senseless, and also to help time pass.

Remember, God never gives us more than we can handle. But He cannot stop us from searching for more hurt. That is on us. Prayers to you. You will get through this - and so will I.


BW - 35 (me)
WH - 36
DS - 4
Married - 2004 (together 11 1/2 years total)
D-day - 1/27/13

Posts: 8 | Registered: May 2013 | From: leapoffaith04
Williesmom
Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 8:29 PM, May 2nd (Thursday)

((Savvy))

It's tough, I'll agree. I don't have children, and I'm 5 years out, but I can tell you that it gets better.

The best thing about my living situation is the dogs. Whenever I come home, a party breaks out. They are so happy to see me that it makes me feel good.

Create a new life for yourself. What did you always want to do, but never had time? I spend a lot of time in the yard, reading, or walking the dogs. I work a lot also-I figure I might as well use my boredom to advance my career.

Try to stay busy. It helps..


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7420 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
savvy
Member
Member # 39102
Default  Posted: 8:32 PM, May 2nd (Thursday)

Such good ideas. I think I will start on the bedroom this weekend! I also spend time with horses. My daughters horse is at my brothers house about a half hour away while she is away at school i go every other day just to visit and groom her and my brothers horse. It is therapeutic!! And I guess I can start to remove some of his things. He hasn't taken everything I will start to box it up
This website is the best definitely makes me feel so not alone


me-BS (49)
him-WH (49)
2 children 21 and 19
Together 30 years
Ow-(30)and she knew me knew he is married.
D-day 1 4/24/2013
D-day 2. 7/9/2013. Day after anniversary
D-day 3. 8/12/13.
Filing for divorce

Posts: 135 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: connecticut
papoula
New Member
Member # 39079
Default  Posted: 8:34 PM, May 2nd (Thursday)

savvy you are not alone. I don't like living by myself either and I believe this is actually one of my problems. Because I can't be myself or alone I keep staying in bad relationships and putting up with a lot of crap from partners. I'm a bit dependent and terrified of being alone.

I keep telling myself that I have to learn to be alone and be enough to me but does anyone really can do that? I mean, I look at really young children and even animals, they can't rationalize things and they all want company and companionship so I believe this is our nature. I see people staying in bad relationships all the time (I've been there) and that's because it is hard to be alone. I admire people that can do it and I wish I could learn.

I know with time you will find a new routine without him, with friends and things to do that will fill out this gap. It might take time but like I said I've been there and things do get better.
Allow yourself some time to grief and learn a new routine without him.

You just had all your dream and security crashed, everything is new and it needs to be adjusted and it takes some time but it will get better.


Me: 32
WH: 36
DD: 04/21/13
Married: 4 months - together 2 years
No children
Status: Trying to figure out what to do

Posts: 42 | Registered: Apr 2013
savvy
Member
Member # 39102
Default  Posted: 8:38 PM, May 2nd (Thursday)

Part of my problem is that I don't have a lot of friends. I have devoted my life to my children ,husband and our business. That's my fault. Lost sight of me. I guess it's time to rediscover me


me-BS (49)
him-WH (49)
2 children 21 and 19
Together 30 years
Ow-(30)and she knew me knew he is married.
D-day 1 4/24/2013
D-day 2. 7/9/2013. Day after anniversary
D-day 3. 8/12/13.
Filing for divorce

Posts: 135 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: connecticut
EasyDoesIt
Member
Member # 29514
Default  Posted: 8:51 PM, May 2nd (Thursday)

Part of my problem is that I don't have a lot of friends. I have devoted my life to my children ,husband and our business. That's my fault. Lost sight of me. I guess it's time to rediscover me

Same here, and I spent all of my adult life (from 19 to almost 49) married and being cheated on.

Finding yourself is a process, not an event. Some days will be overwhelming, others will be too wonderful for words. If you feel like you really can't snap out of it, and AFTER you've done all of the natural remedies (getting sunshine, exercising, eating right) and still find yourself too depressed to function, please see your doctor about it.

I'm living alone for the first time in my life and I'm loving it. I can't say that it wouldn't be wonderful to have one of the kids walk through and leave their glass on the table, but I'm pretty sure that I cannot ever go back to that either.

Keep coming here. Read and post all you want. We all understand. <hugs>


Anything less than full disclosure and total transparency is pure bullshit. WARNING! No emotional pollution allowed.

Posts: 3686 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Georgia
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 9:00 PM, May 2nd (Thursday)

I guess it's time to rediscover me
Absolutely, savvy.

Can I suggest you taking a peek down in New Beginnings? It's all about discovering yourself and starting the journey of your new life.

Some people there are dating, but plenty are focused on going back to school, taking up hobbies, making new friends, changing careers, and yes, reclaiming their homes.

And, by the way, it's ok to sit with pity now and then. Just don't linger too long, ok?

(((((savvy)))))


You can call me NIK

Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something.
- Plato


Posts: 24394 | Registered: Aug 2011
sadtoo
Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 9:04 PM, May 2nd (Thursday)

Ahhh! If you have access to horses, you have HALF the battle won!!

Horses are so good for the soul. And with spring coming on (maybe..we had snow this AM ) you will have lots of time to spend.

Get involved with a riding club. Go on trail rides. Maybe show a little.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7992 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
crossroads2010
Member
Member # 30213
Default  Posted: 10:16 PM, May 2nd (Thursday)

Lost sight of me. I guess it's time to rediscover me

Me too...you are doing great for so early on...try to hang in there with school...I understand that struggle...I admire you for not caving in and separating...in the long run it will help your situation...he knows you won't stay with an unfaithful partner...the fog will lift sooner and one way or the other you will get through this fast....strength to you.


Posts: 572 | Registered: Nov 2010
traveldad
Member
Member # 34047
Default  Posted: 11:35 PM, May 2nd (Thursday)

You've already been given a lot of good advice. Besides making it your house and changing it up a bit, I might suggest that you spend as little time as possible in your house. Get involved in a singles group at a large church or with a group at the school you attend. Join a gym. Exercise has been proven to be a great was to inhibit feelings of depression. You've obviously been a person devoted to everyone else in your life, now it's your turn to pay a little attention to your self. Good luck


DDay January 2010
Divorced July 2010...broke up 2 families
Contented single dad of 2 grown sons and two daughters.
XW talks to kids about once a year

Posts: 54 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Southwest
devastatedone
New Member
Member # 39093
Default  Posted: 12:01 PM, May 6th (Monday)

It's hard...very hard. One thing that helped was to redecorate my bedroom; I sold the bed, repainted, got new bedding, and decorated the room for me. It still feels strange but each day is a little easier. ((Hugs))

Posts: 3 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: California
Jada52
Member
Member # 38984
Default  Posted: 1:49 PM, May 6th (Monday)

Will be facing the same issue soon I am afraid. Right now he is in guest room.

I hate the thoughts of a lonely house. I feel for you. It is not easy.


Silly Slut, husbands are for wives - get your own man B*tch!

Posts: 114 | Registered: Apr 2013
Ashland13
Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 5:14 PM, May 6th (Monday)

HI Savvy and Everyone,

Yep, this is me, too.For a long time, hearing the door shut behind DD as they went on their happy visits or hearing STBXHs vehicles go, were massive triggers for me.

Doing the changes to your house will help over time, in my opinion and have helped me.

When I read about the dogs I smiled-thanks-as I have a little elder cat who greets me happily when I return and sits with me the entire time I'm home. She hasn't once rejected me and though I don't enjoy the chores from a pet, there is nothing like their company. And the arguing is pleasant!

One thing I do now that is therapeutic is to call it "MY" house, because in all reality, it is! And so is yours!

There are some things that are okay about being alone and though it's not easy, it gets better. I too lived solely for my marriage and daughter, so I don't even really know myself as a single person anymore.

One thing I do besides the in-house changes mentioned on your thread, is I make myself get up and go out whenever it strikes me, when DD is out visiting. Even if I simply walk a track or the mall, I can say to myself later that I had the freedom for absolutely anything I wanted. There is peace in that.

I also leave the tv on or play the radio constantly, so the silence isn't so defeaning. Ever so slowly, I find being alone isn't all that bad, for it's only myself to argue! I can be sloppy and could not before, I can leave doors open I didn't before, I can do whatever the he..I want!

Now I like to play the music really loud or put a movie on and turn up the base really loud and there's no one around for a few acres to complain!

Maybe once you find some things you like and a routine, I bet it will slowly change to being ok. Another thing is that inviting over the few people I know, also helps make it mine. DD has many friends, so I am trying to let her invite more of them over and fill up the house with kids some days. The noise is good and they keep each other busy, though they frown when I do the Wii Dance (lol)with them! They tell me, "It's time for snack!"

I finally have a dream again for the house if we got to stay, and it's to make a hang out room for them in the basement somehow, as they are rapidly approaching "tween age"(money!) so that it will keep being a house they want to "hang out" at. .


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess


Posts: 2134 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Ashland13
Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 5:16 PM, May 6th (Monday)

One therapeutic thing is playing the piano at 2:00 a.m. and banging (in a nice way, can't afford a new one, lol) as loudly as I can!


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess


Posts: 2134 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Topic Posts: 16